Kyuhyun stares through the window in her ward, he leans his body onto the rim while his mind keep replaying all the facts he had missed about Seulri—something he gradually learnt from Taecyeon’s explanations.

So the girl was only a single little candle that tried to kept on showing its light in the harsh thunderstorm called life. Kyuhyun felt the need to stop Taecyeon in every story he told him about her life, he really couldn’t imagine she had to go through all those all alone, when she was so young and fragile. The more he knew about her misled past, the more the got the urge to hurt himself, simply to just make the pain he feels in his heart more tangible.

Seulri has been in her coma for two weeks now. Kyuhyun and Taecyeon take turn to watch for her, both of them had come to an agreement to let her fight this battle, to believe in her and believe in the mercy Heaven could give her. after all of those hardships, Kang Seulri deserves a happy ending, she deserves to be with the person she loves and she deserves to have a restart in her life. But the poor girl just keeps on closing her eyes, sleeping peacefully as if she’s having the best dream.

Kyuhyun comes closer to her, sits on the edge of her bed and takes out three books she given him. He promised her that he’d read it with her and that he will know her heart if he reads it. He doesn’t need to open the books to know her heart, he believes Seulri’s heart is the most sincere thing anyone could ever given him, but she asked him to do this and he’d do anything for her these days.

He always avoid talking to Seulri, because as a doctor he knows she is not able to hear him, other wise her brain monitor would show different outcome. But Taecyeon always talk to her whenever he visits, saying that he didn’t care if medically she couldn’t hear him, he believes her soul coud listen to his words—and with that new perspective, Cho Kyuhyun also starts to talk to her.

“Seul, I’ll read the book you gave me now.” He opens the wrapping, “We’ll read it together okay?”

A piece of rectangular paper falls from the wrapping and Kyuhyun reads what’s written in it.

“Oppa, Happy Birthday! This must be the silliest birthday present I could give you but I know you’re not a person that sees a gift from it’s price, but from it’s value. These books are the things I went to whenever I miss you, some of the things written here expressed my heart perfectly and some just really beautiful to read to. If you notice, I put a lot of marks and numbers in the book. That’s supposed to be the order you read it, but you can just flip it open to any page you like if you want—as long as you read it. Please remember this forever: I love you, in every breath I take in, every step I made, even in every wrong or right turn I chose in life—I always put you first.”

Kyuhyun sniffs his runny nose, he’s not sure what the books contains but her letter alone is already painful for him to read.

“I’ll follow your order.” He put the card aside and take one book she marked with number 1, Lang Leav poems collection titled Lullabies.

He turns the pages to the first page she marked and begins reading it for her.

“I still search for you in crowds, in empty fields and soaring clouds.

In city lights and passing cars, on widing roads and wishing stars.

I wonder where you could be now, for years I’ve not said your name out loud.

And longer since I called you mine—time has passed for you and I.

But I have learnt to live without,

I do not mind—I still love you anyhow.

-Lang Leav, Lullabies.

He thinks he understands why she put it as her first mark, Seulri was telling him the time they were apart from each other. The time when she had to begin her endless fight to her life. Kyuhyun inhales to calm his racing heart. Deep inside he knows this will be a very painful book reading for him, yet he determined to finish what he promised her.

“There was someone I knew, a long time ago. I was so in love with him I couldn’t see straight. The saddest thing is, he felt the same way about me.

It was easy in the beginning. All we had to do was laugh at the same things and love took care of the rest. I had never felt so connected to another person.

He would always say it felt as though I was made for him. How glad he was to have met me. We were so sure of what we felt. We should have held tight, onto that certainty.

There is never one particular reason why two people are pulled apart. All these years later, I have stopped looking for answers. I know better now, that love is never a guarantee. Not when you have the rest of the world to contend with.

Sometimes you have to step back and look at these things from a philosophical standpoint. And I know loving him has taught me something about myself, it has broadened my understanding of the world. And if it has done the same for him, then it wasn’t all in vain.” 

-Lang Leav, Lullabies
 

Kyuhyun tears falls, feeling guiltier than he already is. His mind now wanders to the time when she was all alone doing things even aldults have difficulties to do. His heart aching just to the thought of her loneliness, of her fear, and her hatred towards herself.

He turns the pages again to her next marking, his cries break to the simple sentence written and he has to put down the book once he read the seven letters she always tells him,

“I love you more than love allowed.”

-Lang Leav, Lullabies.

*

He’s seen a lot during his days as surgeon, especially in the emergency rooms. Nobody wanted to be dragged there, nor wanted to see any of their family members to be in it. But in one summer night, just when he finished his shift and got himself ready to leave the hospital, he saw someone he knew being rolled into the emergency room—and he felt like his breath just being taken away from the sight of Seulri’s father in the E.R.

Two doctors came over to take the first actions, doing all kind of traditional checking procedure to any new patients, searching for the cause of why the man on the gurney was there. Kyuhyun didn’t follow his collegue, instead he looked around to see if Seulri followed her father here to the hospital, but she’s nowhere in sight.

“Kyuhyun oppa?” Somebody called his name.

Kyuhyun turned around and felt slightly realieved to see Park Sora.

“Sora-ssi, what’s happening?”

“He collapse out of the sudden, having difficulty to breath and his skin got blueish.” She answered in a rush, “I’ve been calling Seulri oenni but her phone is off, I called her work place but they said she’s taking a sick leave.”

“She’s sick?” He came into alert. She lives above his place but Kyuhyun hasn’t seen Seulri at all for days—since the proposal he did to Jinae.

“According to her friends in the restaurant at least.” Sora nodded. “Have you seen her or talked to her lately?”

Kyuhyun shook his head and dialed Seulri’s number immediately, only to find that his call being diverted to voice mail—like Sora said. He didn’t stop there, he called his sister next, this should be the time when Ahra arrive from her campus.

“Ne oppa?” She answered.

“Where are you?”

“Bus stop, why? Do you want me to buy something from the store nearby?”

“No, I want you to run home.” He hustled her, “Go there and check if Seulri’s home.”

“I thought you broke up roughly with her.” She replied with thick sarcasm in her voice.

“Please don’t give me that attitude now,” He exhaled, knowing his sister was still in Seulri’s side over the break up. “Her father is here in the hospital, she needs to be informed Ahra and her phone turned off.”

Ahra then hang up the phone befo