Today Byung Hee and I are going back to Seoul. He left my room at dawn. I knew even though he lightly pressed his lips on my forehead and slipped out from my bed silently. I can’t sleep at all, I keep thinking about the chances over and over again and finally made up my mind. I’m gonna take it back. I’ve done useless thing when I already know that I still can’t forget that man and hurt other man because of that.

The room phone ringing, I picked it up. It’s Byung Hee. He’ll be here in thirty minutes to pick me up for breakfast. I slipped out from the bed then went to take a bath. It’s nine am when I walked to open the door for him. He kissed me then we walked to the café. I didn’t talk much this morning and he seems not aware. I only answered when he asked something but when we’re on the way back to Seoul, he began to suspicious.

“Hye Rin ah.”

“Hm?”

“You look different today, something wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong.”

“Do you” he paused for a while “regret for what happened last night?”

“No, I don’t regret it.”

“But you look so quiet today.”

“I just need to think about something.”

“Mind to share it with me?”

“I don’t think so.” I smiled to him. “It’s about me and I have to solve it by myself.”

“Okay, but I want you to know that you can share your problem with me anytime. Don’t try to solve it alone.” He touched my cheek.

I nodded. He didn’t ask me again but I know he’s still curious about the sudden change. I keep debating with myself whether I should continue this relationship or not. My heart said no but my head say yes and I couldn’t ask Ga In about it because she’ll definitely push me to Byung Hee’s side. She’s been subjective these past few months. We arrived at Seoul around evening. He insisted to take me home. When his car pulled over at my apartment, I told him it’s unnecessary to send me to the door.

“Byung Hee ssi, you must be tired too. I can walk by myself.”

“Are you sure?”

I nod.

“Okay then, see you tomorrow at the office.”

I waved to him until his car disappeared from my sight and walked into the apartment. I confused when the lift didn’t move up until I realized that I haven’t press the destination floor button because I got so many things in my head right now. I even forgot the door combination again. I pressed the bell and Ga In opened the door for me.

“Well…well. Is there any good news between you and Byung Hee?” She looked anxious.

I walked pass her by. “I don’t want to talk about it now.”

She grabbed my arm and held me on the way. “Woahhh, what’s going on here? I thought you’re okay with him.”

“Ga In ah, please. I need some time to be alone, okay? And don’t ask me anything unless I told you by myself.”

She looks unwillingly to let me go but when she looked at my stiff face, she released her grip on my arm. I walked to my room and locked the door. I go to bed earlier, expecting to have a fresh mind in the morning to make a fair decision but I hope too much. I still confused about what should I do with Byung Hee but I had a better mood with Ga In. She acted like nothing happen and talked to me like the usual.

In the office, I tried to avoid Byung Hee. I don’t want his presence affected my decision making but it really so hard. I have to create hundreds of excuses for him. I know it won’t last long, someday he won’t accept my excuses anymore. It’s Friday, I already had enough time to think and I guess it’s best to talk to him. I asked him to take me to a restaurant a bit far from the office.

“Byung Hee ssi, I know you might realized that I’ve been avoided you since we’re back from Busan.”

“Yes and I want to know why.”

I took a deep breath and looked at him.

“I…I don’t think I can continue this relationship. If I don’t say this now, it would be unfair for both of us and I’ll end up hurting you and myself.”

He looked calm when he heard it but I’m sure he wants to know the real reason, which I can’t tell him. I tried so hard to move on but I still can’t do it for now.

“Can I know the reason?”

“I’m not ready for a new relationship right now. I hope you understand. I’m sorry for giving you false hope.”

“Are you sure that’s your main reason? No other reason?”

“Yes, that’s the only reason.”

“Okay, if you say so. But I want you to know even though you said that you can’t continue this relationship, I want you to still give me a chance. I know I was kinda rushed things before and I want another chance from you. This time I’ll do it step by step.”

“But—“

He cut me fast. “This time, if you still can’t give your heart to me I’ll back off. And don’t feel guilty about hurting me, just follow your heart.”

I didn’t reply him cause I don’t know what to say. I still think that this is the best decision for us but he think otherwise. I decided to tell Ga In about it tonight. Since I came back from Busan, I always go home with her. When we got home and already cleaned ourselves, I asked her to come to my room. I dragged her to my bed and we’re both sit, facing each other.

“Ga In ah, there’s something I need to tell you.”

She didn’t say anything but I saw her face full of curiousity.

“I know you must be wondering what happened between me and Byung Hee in Busan.”

“So, you’re ready to talk about it now?”

“I guess you have the right to know since you’re also involved in it.”

“Okay, I’m listening.” She folded her arms. I took a deep breath before start talking.

“I know you’ve been work hard to make things worked for me and Byung Hee and I really appreciate it. But it doesn’t work out so well. I can’t continue this relationship with him.”

She frowned. “What makes you think like that?”

“Well, something happened in Busan and it makes me realized I can’t do this to him.”

“What things are we talked about here? Don’t make me confused.”

I sighed and looked down, playing my hands. “I slept with him.”

I still looking down so I didn’t see her face but I know she must be upset with me cause suddenly she slapped my upper arms.

“Ya!”

“Ouch! That hurts.” I rubbed the place she slapped.

“You know that hurt then why did you do that to him? Are you crazy? What is on your mind?”

“But—“

“You’ve slept with him and now you said that you want to break up, does it make any sense to you?”

“I—“

“How can you treat him like a doll that you hugged if you like then throw it out if you already bored with it?”

“Stop, okay? Listen to me first.”

“Fine, let’s hear your argument this time.”

“I know I shouldn’t do this to him but I can’t help it. I admit that I was wrong. I don’t know what possessed me at that time until I slept with him. I guess I was trying to prove to myself that I can forget that man but I was wrong. I’m blaming myself for using Byung Hee like that. That’s why I want to break up with him. We both will get hurt if we continue this relationship.”

“How did you know if he’ll get hurt if he stays by your side? Have you asked him before?”

“I…” I can’t answer because I never asked him.

“See, you can’t answer that simple question. You never asked him but you already draw conclusion about his feelings.”

“But it’s not fair for him.”

“It’s not fair because you can’t let go. You drowned yourself with your memory with Chang Sun.”

I closed my ears with my hands and closed my eyes. “Don’t say that name in front of me!”

“You have to hear it.” She pulled down my hands. “I won’t let you run every time I mentioned his name. I just don’t understand what are you thinking all this time? During these four months, it’s Byung Hee who always stays by your side and never made you cry but you still expecting the man that didn’t even care about you.”

“He doesn’t know I came.” I reminded her about the agreement on the airport.

“That’s not an excuse. If he loves you, he’ll do anything to win your heart back but did he ever do something? No. Did he ever call you even once? No. So why did you still act like this?”

“I tried to overcome this feelings but I can’t. That’s why I decided to let Byung Hee go. I’ll end up hurt him if I keep him by my side.”

“You know what, you didn’t try that hard to forget Chang Sun and open your heart for Byung Hee. You’ll end up hurting every man if you continue behaves like that.”

I felt something warm spilled down through my cheeks. “I know that but what can I do? I really wish that this stupid heart would open for Byung Hee.”

“Sshh, that’s okay.” She wiped my tears and hugged me. “You just need more time. Maybe Byung Hee and you both rushed things at first, he with his happiness and you with your attempt to forget Chang Sun.”

“He asked for second chance.”

“Then you should give him. Trust me, you’ll forget Chang Sun as time goes by so don’t waste this opportunity to find your happiness.”

I still sobbed at her shoulder, she patted my back.

“Remember how you so crazy about Byung Hee when we first came to Seoul?”

Right, I smiled. I used to have wild thoughts about him whenever he’s around and my heart would beat faster but now it’s gone. I want those feelings back and I want to give him second chance so badly but I don’t trust my heart. What would I become if I hurt him again?

*****

Two weeks has passed since she talked about the break up and since then she totally avoided me. I know she still can’t let Chang Sun go and I respect her decision but right now I need someone I can talked to, only to share and the only one I can think of is Ga In. I looked for my phone and start dialed her number.

“Ga In ssi? There’s something I need to discuss with you, can we meet today?”

I listened to the voice across the line.

“Okay, what time?” She mentioned one place. “Great, I’ll meet you there.”

I grabbed my car key and walked to the basement where my car was parked. We promised to meet at Four Clover Coffee Shop around two pm. I walked to my car while hoping that today the coffee shop is not too crowded cause it’s gonna take a long time talking about this matter. I arrived there in twenty minutes and managed to get a good spot. Ten minutes later, I saw Ga In walked in through the front door and her eyes scanning the room. She saw me when I raised my hand up and walked to our table.

“Have you been waiting long?” She smiled while she pulled out the chair.

“Not really. Do you want to order something?”

“Ice latte please. Thank you.”

“Food?”

“No, thanks.”

I walked to the counter and make an order. I get myself an ice espresso. A minute later, I took the drinks to our table. Ga In start asked me.

“So, what do you want to talk with me?”

“How’s Hye Rin doing?” I answered her question with question.

“Fine. Why? Both of you were in the same department, don’t you see her?”

“She has been avoiding me for two weeks and she turned around immediately if she saw me.”

She smirked. “That’s so typical of her.”

I smiled. “Well, that’s good if she’s okay.”

She let out a deep sigh. “She’s okay but I’m not.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just don’t understand what he has done to her until she can’t let him go like this.”

“Are you talking about Chang Sun?”

“Yeah, who else. That guy really make me upset.”

“You can’t blame them for being so in love.”

She squinted. “Love?” She laughed at the word. “If he loves her, he wouldn’t let her suffer like this. I’m sure he already got a new girl right now.”

“I think Hye Rin really loves him.”

“Loves? I think she should change from loves to loved, it should be past tense now.”

I smiled. She sipped her coffee then continues complaining.

“She told me she broke up with you and you know what the reason is?”

“She said that she’s not ready for new relationship but I knew the main reason behind it. She still can’t forget Chang Sun.”

“Correct and she also told me that she doesn’t wanna hurt you. She’s so full of consideration of others but also so stupid. When she told me that, I really want to hit her head with hammer but too bad I don’t have one.”

“I’m glad you don’t have it in the apartment or you’ll lose your best friend forever.”

“You’re right. It’s just—I can’t just stand still looking at her destroy her own future. Someone must make her understand that if she can’t let go, she’ll never move on and her heart will remain closed forever. That’s why I want you to take her out.”

“And it turned out not so well but maybe it was my fault. I was too excited when she decided to gave me the chance but I didn’t consider her feelings. So I respect her decision to break up.”

“Hey, be optimistic okay? If you failed on the first attempt, it should be your motivation to do better on the next.”

I was thinking maybe Ga In’s right. I shouldn’t give up so easily. I also asked her to give me another chance and I’m gonna make it success this time.

“Look, I’ll try to convince her but you must also work hard and don’t give up. This time you’re on your own, I don’t want Hye Rin mad at me again for helping you.”

I nod. “I got it.”

I still have no plan right now but I’m sure I can think of one someday. We continue talking for the next one hour then we walked out from the coffee shop. I offered her lift to the apartment but she told me to drop her at the nearest subway, she still needs to go somewhere. After I dropped her, I drove my car to my apartment.

A week later, someone called me.

“Hyung.”

“Hyeok Soo ya, how’s it going? I thought you’re still on tour with your band.”

“I’m back. Say what, I’m having a mini concert next week. Will you come?”

“Really? That’s great, of course I’ll come.”

“Thanks, Hyung. I’ll send the ticket to your house tomorrow. See you next week.”

Hyeok Soo’s band, The Snaps, is one of the best indie bands in Korea. He was one of my best friends during high school. His music is really worth listening so I think I’m gonna refresh my mind from all this messed for a while by going to his concert next week.

*****

“Hye Rin ahhh…..go with me, will ya? I already bought two tickets for us.” She pleaded.

“No, I already told you I wanna get some rest tomorrow.”

“You can rest during the day.”

“Can’t you go with Tae Woo? He must be pleased to go with you.”

“We broke up two days ago.”

I stared at her in disbelief. “Huh? Already broke up?” I shook my head. “Then you go alone. I really don’t feel like to go out tomorrow.”

She frowned. “The concert starts at eight pm and it’s gonna end around ten pm. It’s late and you told me to go alone? I only asked you to accompany me and you refused. I guess you really have changed a lot.”

“I didn’t mean that.”

“That’s okay. It feels like I don’t know you anymore. The old Hye Rin was always ready to help me every time I need her.”

“Ga In ah….”

I took a deep breath and looked at her, she looks disappointed. I know I changed a lot but it wasn’t on purpose. I took her hands and make her looked at me.

“Fine, I’ll go with you tomorrow. Don’t angry again, okay?”

She smiled and hugged me but her embraces were too tight until I need to gasp some air. As planned, we leave the apartment at 6.30 because the place where the concert held was a little bit far from our apartment and this is Saturday. We don’t wanna be late because of the traffic. We arrived one hour later. The place looks like a café, with tables and chairs but it’s not. Ga In showed the tickets to the gate officer, she lead the way looking for the best spot to watch. I was looking around when someone call my name. I turned my head to the voice and widened my eyes, its Byung Hee. What is he doing here?

“Hye Rin ah, it’s a surprised to see y ou here. Are you coming alone?”

“N-noo…I came with Ga In.” I turned around looking for her, she still searching for the seat. “Ga In ah.”

She turned around and looked shock seeing Byung Hee beside me.

“Byung Hee ssi, what are you doing here?”

“Of course to watch the concert, you knew this band too?” He asked Ga In.

“Yupp, it’s my favorite band. I’ve seen their live performances ever since I was in Busan. You? Are you their fans too?”

“Kind of, but actually the vocalist was my junior in high school.”

“Really? You should introduce me to him.” She smiled so widely.

He laughed. “Okay, no problem. Wanna go inside? I’ve been given the best spot to watch, wanna join me?”

“Of course.”

I let Byung Hee walked first while I grabbed Ga In’s arm and make her walk with me. I stared at her and half whispered, “Are you planning all this?”

“What? Byung Hee? No, it’s pure coincidence. I didn’t know he would be here.”

“Just watch it. If I knew you lied to me, I won’t let you go so easily.”

We walked to the seat he’s walking towards to. It’s indeed the best spot to watch the performance. She made me sit between her and Byung Hee and I can’t do anything because the other seat already full. No long after we sit, I saw Byung Hee walked out from the room and came back ten minutes later. His face looks different when he came back. A little bit happy, I guess. Ga In and Byung Hee really enjoy the performance while I was really uncomfortable sitting beside him. After few songs, the band is taking a break. While the other members walked down from the stage, the vocalist stayed and made an announcement.

“Alright, someone request to me today whether he can sing one song on the stage for a special person and I granted it. I’m sure you all won’t be disappointed by his voice. Let’s welcome him to the stage by applause.”

Suddenly Byung Hee rise from his seat and walked to the stage. I looked at Ga In and she looked back at me. I squinted, she shrugged and her lips formed a sentence ‘I don’t know anything about this’. I turned back to the stage and see Byung Hee already took position behind the mic and the vocalist went behind the piano.

“Thank you for this chance Hyeok Soo ya, and to all audiences here I hope my voice didn’t disappoint you. I need to do this to prove to someone that she means so much to me and I’m willing to wait her no matter how long. This song’s especially for her, It Might Be You by Stephen Bishop.”

He locked my gaze on him when the music starts playing. I don’t know why but I feel something different in his eyes tonight and the way he sang the song makes me feel like there are only two of us in this room. I flashback all the memories with Byung Hee from the first time I came to Seoul and met him at the office until the last four months, which is the hardest months in my life. The memories are now playing in my head like a movie. I hear Ga In whispered in my ear.

“Look what he did for you. It’s up to you now whether you accept him or not, I’m not gonna pushed you to him again so think about it very carefully. Don’t make the same mistake twice.”

His emotions showed clearly when he sang and I’m fully absorbed into it, I never thought he had such an angel voice. In the middle of the song, he got off from the stage and walked towards me. Before I can do anything, he took my hand and pulled me from the chair. We walked back to the stage with my hand still on his grip. On the stage, he made me sit on the high chair whilst he continues singing. After the song ends, he pulled out two different colors of rose, white and red.

“Hye Rin ah, this time I want you to make a choice. Follow your heart and pick one of these roses. White means you give me chance and red means you reject me.”

I still haven’t recovered from the shocked when he took me to the stage and he adding it with this rose. I heard the audiences yell.

“White….white….white…”

“Don’t listen to what people say. Just look at me and listen to your heart.”

I bit my lips and start raising my hand to the red rose but stop in the middle, I saw he hold his breath. I re-think again my decision. After nearly a month I didn’t see his face this close, I realized I miss him a little bit and there’s a little beat in my heart when I saw him tonight. I know he can bring happiness to me. This time, I’ve made up my mind and I won’t turn back. I smiled to him and with full confidence I took the white rose from his hand. He let out a long sigh and look relieved then he looked at me and smile. He hugged me and I saw the audiences rise from their chair and gave us applause, I also saw Ga In’s happy expression. Then he released his embrace and framed my face with his hands.

“Thank you, Hye Rin ah. You don’t know how much this mean to me.”

I smiled. “I made you shocked for a while, did I?”

“You almost make me got a heart attack if you decided to pick the red one.”

I heard the audiences yell again. “Kiss….kiss….kiss….”

He looked at me and searching for approval. When I nodded, he bent down his head and touched my lips with his. He kissed me lightly, I realized he tried to restrain his need to kiss me passionately and I thank him for that. He ended the kiss not long after and bowed to the audiences before he took my hand and get off from the stage. We walked back to our seats where Ga In already wait with smile stretched widely on her face. She start interrogated Byung Hee as soon as we sit.

“Byung Hee ssi, you’re a genius. How can you think of this?”

“It’s just came to my mind when I saw Hye Rin. I don’t know what possessed me to do this but I’m glad I finally did it.”

“Right, you’ll never know until you try. Congratulations to both of you.” She turned to look at me. “Are you sure with it?”

I smiled to her. “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure it worked out this time.”

I looked at Byung Hee and smiled. It will be long way to make this relationship worked out between us but this time I won’t give up. I’ve been wasting my time for too long trying to forget Chang Sun but still keep the heartache inside of me. It’s gonna take time to forget him but with Byung Hee’s help, I’m sure I can go through it. After the concert ends, Byung Hee took us to the backstage where he introduced the vocalist to Ga In as he promised. I admired her, she can forget Tae Woo so fast and feel happy meet new guy. I really wish I can be like her but now I’m thankful that I had Byung Hee with me. She switched phone number with Hyeok Soo and he promised to call her sometime. Then Byung Hee take us home, it feels like I finally can have a good sleep after so long.