Kim Dong-hyub was trying to figure out why he was feeling what he was feeling.  Why did he feel attracted to a guy?  Even though he dated a few girls, he only had one serious relationship.  It had lasted almost 2 years.  They had broken up just a year ago.   He had recovered from that breakup pretty quickly surprising even him.  He had gone out with girls a few times but no one really had interested him enough to ask for second date.  He was always friendly and girls knew he was not very serious right from the beginning.  He had not slept with anyone since his last relationship.  He did think and talk of .  Spending time with Colin you could not escape talking about and .  That guy was always talking about girls.  His own lack of interest in any specific girl had never bothered him as much as it bothered him these days.

Especially after Han Tae-sun said he was gay.

It made him suddenly look at himself.  It scared the out of him.  Is there anyone he can talk to about this?  Just explore what he was going through?  There was no chance in hell he could talk to Colin about this self-examination.  His other friends were all regular guys.  That is what he thought he was before Han Tae-sun said he is gay.  Now when he thought of Han Tae-sun, which appeared to be taking all his free time, he wondered if he is in fact a regular guy. 

How do I find out?  I can’t be thinking this when I am already 24.  If I was gay, I would have already known about this long ago.  You don’t just turn gay randomly one day.  Is it possible that I have suppressed that part of me?  Could it be why I don’t have interest in girls?  Is it possible my relationship broke up because of lack of passion? 

This inner dialogue went on for several days.  It was suffocating.  He was ready to explode.  He tried getting these thoughts off his mind by hanging around Colin and listening to his usual chatter about girls, latest music he was listening to, listening to him strumming songs he was writing etc. etc. 

Kim Dong-hyub realized he was no longer enjoying any conversations.  Now that he was very aware of the red head, each time he saw red hair, his heart would flip.  Most times, it was not even Han Tae-sun.  Other times it was Han Tae-sun.  He was mostly alone with the same lonely expression and head phones.  Sometimes he was with that girl. 

Kim Dong-hyub would quickly look away.  But it would put him in his funk the whole day.

Colin continued to be oblivious to what was bothering Kim Dong-hyub.  He just knew there was something serious going on as he had become very broody all of a sudden.  He knew he was getting no answers though god only knows he tried many times asking Kim Dong-hyub.  Kim Dong-hyub simply said it is something personal that he did not want to talk about and Colin let it go.  ‘When he is ready to talk, he will talk’ Colin thought.  He knew Kim Dong-hyub only since he had joined the college.  Apart from whatever Kim Dong-hyub shared during their random chats, he really did not know the guy or his life before college.  ‘There may be things in his personal life that he is not yet comfortable sharing.  Ah, Just as well’.  Colin shrugged. 

Meanwhile, Han Tae-sun was anxious for several days after he told Kim Dong-hyub he was gay.  He wondered how many people he would have blabbered about this.  How many people may be whispering behind his back.  When he heard laughter around him, he would wonder if they were laughing at him.  He had developed a thick shell but it still hurt sometimes.  It reminded him about lost friendships.  Middle school bullying.  Friends who thought he had betrayed them, when all he needed them to say was it is okay.  Even though it hurt sometimes, it had gotten much easier.  So, his face never showed the anxiety he was feeling inside.  And he escaped in his music.

After his friends had told him he had betrayed them, he had learnt his lessons.  No more friends.  Pil-suk was the only friend that survived him coming out.  She was the only one who was supportive and listened to him cry desperately and held him when needed.  He trusted her completely and felt at ease with her.  He could let his guard down only with her and could share his life’s stories. 

He had exactly four male friends.  Two of them were gay and two straight but they were in the fashion industry him being gay barely registered with them.  Even they thought he had a bad personality.  But they laughed at him knowing him too well.  He laughed with them knowing himself too well.  He did not need more friends.  If anyone tried, all they got was a guy with a bad personality.  He had become really good at it too.  Barely anyone approached him anymore.  If anyone did, they got a very cold shoulder. 

It was only Kim Dong-hyub in recent times that had persisted.  Till he told him he was gay.  Now Han Tae-sun was anxious hoping against hope that his peaceful existence in the college could continue.

….

Several days had passed since that chat and nothing had changed around him.  Everyone still ignored him which was always good.  Perhaps his judgment was right.  It looked like Kim Dong-hyub was not a blabbermouth after all.  That made Han Tae-sun like the guy a little better.  ‘If he talks to me again, I am going to act civilized’ he thought to himself.

He did get glimpses of him time to time.  One time their eyes met and Han Tae-sun was about to nod and give a smile but Kim Dong-hyub looked away very quickly.  Han Tae-sun just sighed to himself.  ‘Even if they are okay with it, it always makes them uncomfortable.  Well, he is still very good looking though’ he admitted to himself while chastising himself for admiring someone who is clearly very uncomfortable about him.

Some days he watched him laughing with his friend Colin.  That just gave him some pangs.  He shook them off. 

…..

Kim Dong-hyub was going crazy with this constant state of angst.  He needed to get this off his chest.  All he could think was one person who might understand and advice.  ‘But how exactly am I going to bring this up?  May be I will be just honest and see where it goes.  He can’t be such an that he will laugh at me.’

So, he decided to talk to Han Tae-sun.