“I noticed you are very careful when you drink.  You don’t drink much” Kim Dong-Hyub asked one day.  They were in Kim Dong-Hyub’s apartment on a Saturday late afternoon, being just lazy.  Kim Dong-Hyub had decided to take out a beer, had offered one to Han Tae-sun and Han Tae-sun had declined. 

“My early years of modeling, I used drink.  I have learnt the lessons of losing control” Han Tae-sun said.

“What happened?” Kim Dong-Hyub asked.

“Hmmmm.. I am feeling nice right now.  I don’t want to think about it”

How many y experiences had he gone through in his life?  Kim Dong-Hyub wondered. 

“Okay” Kim Dong-Hyub said.

“But you need to have a backup plan if you ever feel like drinking like that.  Have a designated driver or something.  Someone might rob you or worse” Han Tae-sun told him.

“I don’t think I will do that again.  I know it was stupid” Kim Dong-Hyub said.

“Still.  It’s scary.  Also, don’t take drinks offered by someone else.  Especially if it is not poured in front of you.”  Han Tae-sun continued.

“I like my free beers man!” Kim Dong-Hyub laughed.

“I am serious!” Han Tae-sun snapped. 

Kim Dong-Hyub looked at Han Tae-sun.  Han Tae-sun was not looking at him.  His eyes were looking at the TV screen.  There was a movie on and with audio very low. 

‘Did that happen to him?  Did someone offer a drink to Han Tae-sun and then what happened?’

“So, you are not going to elaborate on that then?” Kim Dong-Hyub asked.  “It’s not a normal thing to say to a guy.  Girls may be”

“Well, when you are not in control of yourself and sending gay signals, things like that could happen.”

Kim Dong-Hyub sighed.  “How bad was it?”

“I did not remember much.  Just hazy stuff.  I don’t think it was painful.  I just did not know what I was doing and the guy did whatever he wanted to”

“! Han Tae-sun.  !”  Kim Dong-Hyub could not control what he was feeling.  He was just so angry at whoever had done these things to Han Tae-sun and frustrated that there was nothing he could do.  It had all happened to Han Tae-sun and he had had no one to protect him. 

!  He got up from the couch, looked around for something to throw.  He needed to release this anger that consumed him.  Thinking about people who would beat up a teenager and other people who would take advantage of a naïve innocent person.  He picked up the paper weight that was on the coffee table and threw it down.  It broke into pieces. 

Han Tae-sun “Please, stop Kim Dong-Hyub”

“Stop.  I am sorry I told you.  I am over that life.  Don’t worry.” Han Tae-sun was not sure if he should just hug Kim Dong-Hyub.  Kim Dong-Hyub looked extremely disturbed.  He hoped his words could calm him down. 

“I am so angry at those people Tae-sun.  How could they do this to you?”  And then he was just sobbing. 

Kim Dong-Hyub saw a 14 year old Han Tae-sun, knowing he was gay, not being very sure, telling another boy he liked him and that boy then had rounded up 4 of his friends and beaten the out of him.  Kim Dong-Hyub saw the broken Han Tae-sun crying uncontrollably, shivering on the ground and then walking home.  Han Tae-sun could not tell his parents the truth.  So, he had said he did not know the boys who had beaten him up.

Those boys had then spread the story around.  Then one of his ‘friend’ had come and had asked him if he was gay and why he had not told him earlier.  Did he touch him when he knew he was gay?  Then 2 more ‘friends’ had done the same thing.

Random guys would come at him in school and tell him “I like you” and then laugh with their friends.  He had got beaten up at least 3-4 more times, may me more.  He had stopped keeping a count. 

He had cried, he had sobbed; he had wanted to kill himself.  Lee Pil-suk was with him every day holding him.  She had said that he should complain and even go to police.  But, he had not wanted to embarrass his parents and he had endured.  He could not smile or laugh anymore.  He kept away from everyone in school.  Mostly he cried when he was alone.  Pil-suk would try to spend as much time as possible with him and would try hard when they were together to make it a little more endurable and forget what was happening to him. 

When the modeling agency had called, it was his first chance to get out of this place, go to the city and start fresh.  His smiles were back and he was excited.  He had felt free for the first time.

…..

It was good for the first few months when they mostly trained him.  He met some people he had liked.  There were a few who approached him to ask if he was gay if he would like to go out with them.  He had said yes and that was the beginning of his life.  It was practical .  Seemed to work for all involved. 

Then one year into modeling, he had fallen in love with one of their trainers.  That trainer had always paid special attention to Han Tae-sun, he was older by almost 10 years.  Han Tae-sun had started feeling special.  Trainer was gay and that had made it easy.  He was happy to be in love for the first time.  Trainer had encouraged him on.  He had confessed to his love after they had gone out a few times.  Trainer had said he loved him too.  It was all great for about 3 months.  He was addicted to that feeling of being in love, completely blind to see, trainer was going out with two more guys at the same time.  He was a serial cheater and enjoyed the attention of young models.  Han Tae-sun had accidentally found out about it during a runway show when two models were talking about the trainer.  He had not believed it. 

He had confronted the trainer finally and trainer had said to take it or leave it.  Han Tae-sun was too much in love and too confused.  So, he had actually decided to take it and kept up with him for two more months and then trainer had started seeing others openly as if they had an open relationship.

Han Tae-sun could not endure it and had decided to quit the relationship.  It had broken him completely.  His life had just all through.  He had gotten into a cycle of depression.  He hung around in gay bars, getting picked up by others, giving others s, getting some for himself, jerking random strangers.  It was a self-destructive phase that had lasted for over 6 months. 

Then a stranger had offered him a drink with something else mixed in.  Han Tae-sun had raised a toast and drank smiling at the stranger.  Then he had no recollection of rest of the night. 

He had woken up in a stranger’s bed the next day.  He was definitely molested but there were no physical marks on him. 

That incident shook him.  He had to decide what he wanted out of his life and how he had allowed himself to get there.  He needed to really grow up.  He needed to take control.

Han Tae-sun had then learnt to survive.  He started closing himself off from people.  People were a bad idea.   There was no one he could trust.  He had to trust only himself and had to take care of himself.  Modeling would not last very long and he had already realized he did not enjoy it as much.  He needed to get back to music. 

He was just under 19 then. 

…..

He focused his energy on music and started writing songs himself.  Once he started to focus, he realized he could get some contacts in the music industry, mostly because of the people who attended fashion shows.  So, he cultivated contacts, auditioned, was liked for his talent.  Then they found out he was gay, already out of the closet.  That would not work.  But some of them offered to look through his songs and he started writing and producing music on a small scale for other singers.  Mostly idol bands that relied on music written by others.  It was not much but it was start of something.  People within the music industry had started appreciating him.  

He also took control of his modeling career.  Trying to build an image for himself.  He had made himself too cold now but it worked on the runway.  He was getting more gigs.  He was becoming known in those circles.  He was a professional. 

He also decided to take control of his life.  He had already learnt by then that most responsible gays did not just sleep around.  They had understanding with one or two people and they took care of each other.  That is what he did. 

He had also auditioned to some of the exclusive clubs for singing gigs and couple of them offered him jobs for certain days a month. 

That was when Oska had found him. 

…..

After he had left Oska, again heart broken, he had told himself to never go through the pain of loving someone again.  It was too dark, too painful and simply not worth it.  It never worked out for him and it was his own fault.

He had come back to his modeling and writing songs.

One day, when he was sitting in a party thrown by the designer after a runway show, he had sat next to a guy that he as Park Hyun-ki.

Han Tae-sun hated these parties now but it was necessary to attend as it helped getting modeling gigs. When everyone got drunk, everyone made out and it was free for all. He did not get drunk anymore. But looking around had made him and Park Hyun-ki was sitting next to him and he looked alone. So, Han Tae-sun had taken the initiative to simply kiss the guy. He had noticed him before. Park Hyun-ki had introduced himself once and his mannerisms indicated he was gay. They had made out and Han Tae-sun had decided to ask him to be his partner.

......

After almost a year of trying to get himself back into mental shape, another year or doing smaller gigs, small paying jobs, runway shows he did not enjoy anymore, he had realized, getting formal qualification on music from a famous arts school might get him better jobs in the music industry. 

It was the best decision of his life for more than one reason.  He had applied and they had even offered him scholarship.  They had big hopes for him.  Having famous students was good for their school.  Even if he was not very famous yet, he was good looking, had built a reputation as a model, had a lot of recommendation letters from music industry and had potential to become famous.  Oska had written glowing recommendation and he was almost sure his Ajhumma girlfriend had pulled some strings.

......

When in school, a random guy had approached him, introducing himself as Collin and then pointing to his friend.

That friend was right now sobbing in front him.  And Han Tae-sun realized, he loved Kim Dong-Hyub.  

Someone other than Lee Pil-suk was crying for him.  For something that had happened in his past.  Kim Dong-Hyub behaved as if it was happening to him now. 

“I love you Kim Dong-Hyub” Han Tae-sun said.

He realized Kim Dong-Hyub had not heard him. 

This was the first time he had said it when not having .  He did not feel alarmed or scared.  He just felt great saying that. 

“Hey! Kim Dong-Hyub! I love you”.

Kim Dong-Hyub stopped sobbing.  “What?”

“I love you”. 

Then Han Tae-sun went to Kim Dong-Hyub and put his arms around him, put his head on Kim Dong-Hyub’s shoulder and said “Thank you for crying for me.  I love you.”

Kim Dong-Hyub put his hands on Han Tae-sun’s head, made him face him, his crying coming to an end.  He looked at Han Tae-sun, showing everything he was feeling on his face.  “Say that again”

Han Tae-sun smiled.  It did not feel like an effort to smile.  “I love you fool”

And then Kim Dong-Hyub kissed him.

……

After almost 5 hours of showing each other how much they loved each other, Kim Dong-Hyub said.

“They all will burn in hell”

Han Tae-sun agreed.  They will. 

But Han Tae-sun felt, right now, he was in heaven.  If he had not gone through what he had gone through, he probably would not have met Kim Dong-Hyub.  It was a rough journey but today, it felt okay.  He had survived, and Kim Dong-Hyub had been waiting just for him to figure out he was actually gay!

“They will burn in hell but I am done with them!”  Han Tae-sun thought as he cuddled with Kim Dong-Hyub. 

…….

“Hey you want to hear a story?” Kim Dong-Hyub asked.  They were still not sleepy.  They were in bed.  Sometimes in comfortable silence just moving their hands on each other.  Han Tae-sun shared some more bits but he was able to talk about them matter of factly now.  Kim Dong-Hyub did not overreact.  He just listened.  During another comfortable silence he asked Han Tae-sun wanted to hear a story.

“If you insist” Han Tae-sun was nibbling Kim Dong-Hyub’s ears.

“This one is really good.”

Then Kim Dong-Hyub told him about Collin.  Han Tae-sun laughed.

Kim Dong-Hyub knew one day he would see Han Tae-sun like this.  Bright laughter, unburdened, carefree and from the gut.  He looked magnificent!  Just how he imagined it his head.  No, not really.  It was better than his imagination. 

Kim Dong-Hyub said “Wow!”. 

……