Han Tae-sun was nervous about today.  He was glad Kim Dong-Hyub had suggested a park swing.  It somehow felt right.  He had to talk and he was never comfortable talking.  Kim Dong-Hyub found it easy to talk.  For that Han Tae-sun glad.  Perhaps he would just follow KDH's lead.

Kim Dong-Hyub was also nervous and anxious.  The last time he had seen Han Tae-sun, he had pushed him against the wall, kissed him roughly and demanded that he did not sleep with other guys.  He had driven himself crazy.  He had been an idiot.  Today, he wanted his rational self.  He wanted to know Han Tae-sun. That was his goal.  He would focus his energy on that.  He would not let anything else control the chance to make up for what a ty guy he was that day.

…..

Kim Dong-Hyub was in deep thoughts and slowly swinging when Han Tae-sun showed up.  It was a hot day and they were both in shorts.  Han Tae-sun had his hands inside his shorts pockets.  He looked weary even as he looked at Kim Dong-Hyub.

Kim Dong-Hyub looked up as he heard shuffling.  Just one look at Han Tae-sun, his heart began to race.  ‘How am I going to be rational if just looking at him makes me feel this way?’

But, no matter what, today, he was going to hear Han Tae-sun out.  He was going to control everything he was feeling and just ask and listen.

“Hi” Han Tae-sun said simply.  It felt good to see Kim Dong-Hyub.  He had come today to tell Kim Dong-Hyub that Kim Dong-Hyub could not just control him despite how Kim Dong-Hyub felt about him. They needed an understanding and Kim Dong-Hyub had to understand that he did not like to be told how to live his life. Kim Dong-Hyub did not know anything about him to earn such rights.    

“Hi” Kim Dong-Hyub said.  ‘Gosh!  This is hard.  I just want to grab him and kiss him’

“Here is the other one” he waved at the swing.  Han Tae-sun walked towards it and sat. 

They were quietly swinging, each trying to figure out the next words to say.

Kim Dong-Hyub started.  “I am sorry I acted like an idiot that day.  I had gotten carried away.  I will do better, I promise.”

“Thanks. “ Han Tae-sun said.  “Just FYI, I am not planning on sleeping around” He again rolled emphasized “sleeping around”.  It was something Kim Dong-Hyub had mentioned once.  It looked like that still stayed with Han Tae-sun. “You kind of ruined that!”

 “I don’t like the feeling of being crowded” Han Tae-sun continued.

“I want to make up my own mind about how I should feel or behave and I don’t want you to tell me how to feel or what I should do.” Han Tae-sun continued.

Kim Dong-Hyub “I get it”

Han Tae-sun “I know your reaction is coming from what you feel.  I have not reached there yet.  But, even if I did, I would still not like anyone telling me who I should see.  I would want you to trust me and what I feel”

“But I don’t know what you feel for me Han Tae-sun.  You have never said anything about that.” Kim Dong-Hyub said.  “Some of my frustration is coming from that.  I reacted the way I did because I don’t know how you feel and I want you to feel the way I do.” 

Han Tae-sun “There you go again. You can’t force this Kim Dong-Hyub.  It’s not going to happen that way.  Right now, I don’t know myself what I feel okay?  I need time”

Kim Dong-Hyub fell silent.  “So, when you take this time you ask of, are we going to continue to see each other?” he finally asked.

“I would think so, if you don’t want me to sleep around” Han Tae-sun replied. 

Kim Dong-Hyub finally felt relief.  He was perfectly okay with that. 

“Good” he said. “You will have to give me space” Han Tae-sun said.  “I will” Kim Dong-Hyub promised.

Han Tae-sun “you have just come out and I am your first.  Don’t you want to know more people?  Why do you want to be stuck with me?”

“You keep talking about this.  It is annoying me.  Do you want me to sleep with someone else?  I won’t. “

“Why?” Han Tae-sun asked. “Because I love you, you jerk” Kim Dong-Hyub said.  “How can I sleep with someone else when I love you?”  KDS was exasperated with this conversation. 

“I don’t want you to worry about me.  Stop asking the same question hundred times” Kim Dong-Hyub said.

Han Tae-sun gestured at himself.  “I am damaged goods.  I might look good on the outside, I am not that good on the inside”

“Why is it that that you keep pushing me off?  What if I told you I like you every which way?”

“I would say you are very delusional” Han Tae-sun said. 

“If you continued to think like that, how would you get anyone in?  Are you going to be like this rest of your life?”  Kim Dong-Hyub asked.  Han Tae-sun sounded too afraid to be loved. 

“I don’t know” Han Tae-sun sounded honest that very second.  “I have not had such conversations with anyone in a long time.  The fact that I am actually having this chat should tell you I am trying” he said that with irritation. 

“You have to make up your mind” Kim Dong-Hyub said.  “But, I will let you dictate the pace okay?  Whatever you want”. 

Han Tae-sun was not sure what he wanted.  It all just frustrated him.  Of course he wanted Kim Dong-Hyub to love him.  This was the first time he had someone that said that to him. ‘What am I feeling exactly? Why is it that I am like this?’ 

Kim Dong-Hyub waited for Han Tae-sun to say something.  He was trying to be as reasonable as he could.  All he wanted to do was just pull Han Tae-sun to him and say ‘don’t worry about anything. I will take care of you’.  But clearly, Han Tae-sun did not want that.  If he just kept quiet, he might get more clues on what was going in Han Tae-sun’s head.  At least that was what he hoped.  But it was not going that way.  Han Tae-sun just looked more miserable.  ‘What the did he want?’

Finally he blurted out.  “What the do you want Han Tae-sun?  Tell me so I can give it to you.”

Han Tae-sun did not answer.  He kept looking down.  “Do you want me to leave you alone? I already did that.  You called me.  What do you want?”

Han Tae-sun said “Stop!”

Kim Dong-Hyub went quiet.  ‘What was next?’

They both stayed quiet.    

Han Tae-sun wanted to clear his mind.  He was getting too confused.  Perhaps, he should not think he was being controlled.  If he felt that in the future, perhaps he could just fight against that.  It could not be worse than this right?  They would be already in a relationship.   People in relationships fought all the time.  Did he expect to get into a relationship that had no conflicts? 

Han Tae-sun sighed, looked at his watch.  “We should go.  My apartment is closer.  Can you drop me off then?”

Kim Dong-Hyub “You did not answer my question.  What happens next?”

“I will call you.” Han Tae-sun said. 

“And you want me to just wait around?” Kim Dong-Hyub said.

“That is your choice.” 

“You are not being very fair Tae-sun”

“I know.  But this is the only way it will work.  I need time”

“Okay.  I also wanted to ask you some stuff but I am not sure if this is the right time”

“What is it?” Han Tae-sun asked.

“Well, I don’t know much about your life.  You know, I wanted to just know more, that is all”

“What do you want to know?”

“Hey, I don’t want to interview right now.  Let it happen when it happens.  I just wanted you to know that I want to know more about you.  We have not really just sat and chatted.”

“You already know more about me than most of people around me but whatever”

“Don’t you want to know about me?”

“It will happen in its time Kim Dong-Hyub.  Let’s not force this.  We have barely met.  One nights cannot be rushed into a relationship” Han Tae-sun snapped.

“Gosh, you really have a way with words…” ‘One night ?’  Is that what he thought this was?

Kim Dong-Hyub had had enough for today.  Han Tae-sun wanted to take those words back.  He knew that hurt Kim Dong-Hyub. But he stubbornly did not say sorry.

Let Kim Dong-Hyub feel he could be a bastard.  ‘Didn’t he say he loves me every which way?’

Kim Dong-Hyub said, “I am going to now”. 

This evening did not really end well.  Kim Dong-Hyub was hurt and he did not want to stay around. 

“My apartment is closer.  Want to come?” Han Tae-sun asked.

‘What the is his problem?  Why is he constantly giving me conflicting signals?’

“I don’t feel up to it right now.  I am just going to go.  May be some other time.” Kim Dong-Hyub said.  He did not have to always do what Han Tae-sun wanted either.  He also needed some semblance of control.  “Bye”.

“Okay, bye” Han Tae-sun felt let down.  Well, he had asked for it.  He could not be a bastard one minute and expect Kim Dong-Hyub to just follow him.  Kim Dong-Hyub made the right call.  May be things would get better from now on.

Han Tae-sun stayed in the park for some time.  Despite their chat not going all that well, he at least felt he had communicated at least what he was feeling.  Now, Kim Dong-Hyub had to make a decision. 

…..