Despite what had transpired, Kim Dong-Hyub was not comfortable with the thought that Han Tae-sun was with Park Hyun-ki that night.  He always knew his feelings were one sided and he was ready to deal with whatever came his way till Han Tae-sun turned around but he realized it was that easy.  He felt hurt and it was not healthy for him to continue to think it will work out with Han Tae-sun.

He knew he owed an apology to Han Tae-sun. Han Tae-sun had never deceived him.  He had always been straight with him.  Too honest and direct to the point it had hurt Kim Dong-Hyub.  So, it was Kim Dong-Hyub’s own fault that he had persevered thinking he could change Han Tae-sun.  He had failed miserably.

He had felt the connection in the cab when Han Tae-sun reached out for his hand.  He had felt the connection and the heat when they had kissed breathlessly.  It had felt pure at that time.  No doubts.  He wanted Han Tae-sun.  His heart, soul and body.  And just when it was feeling great, Kim Dong-Hyub had decided to freak out.

He needed to apologize and then move on. 

It was three days since that had happened.  Kim Dong-Hyub finally accumulated his courage.  He was not sure if Han Tae-sun would take his call.  So, the safest way was to text him.  At least he could get this off his chest. He sat on the bench at the campus.  Breathed in deeply.  Started typing everything he wanted to say. 

“I am always apologizing to you.  I am sorry again.”

“I did not anticipate my own lack of readiness.  It is my problem and I will figure it out”

 “I won’t be bothering you again.”

Right there, his heart ached.  He closed his eyes again and breathed deeply.  How vulnerable he is going to make himself?

If he was not going to bother Han Tae-sun again, then why not tell him he loved him?  What did he have to lose?  It was already over.  He needed to say what he needed to say.  It will help him move on without any regrets.  And, just in case, Han Tae-sun felt anything at all, at least he knew what Kim Dong-Hyub had felt.  There was nothing to lose except his own pride.  His pride did not matter.  He was certain Han Tae-sun would not hurt his pride.  Worse thing he will do is keep quiet.  Best thing he would do is say something sarcastic.  If he did say something sarcastic, all will be good with the world.  Kim Dong-Hyub was not sure if he was kidding himself.  But he liked it when Han Tae-sun was sarcastic.  It was a front.  When he attempted deliberate sarcasm, he was hiding underneath it and with Kim Dong-Hyub it would be his feelings.  Kim Dong-Hyub was very sure of that.  So, he let himself type the last text.

“I loved you and everything I felt was real and that is why this has been hard”

There.  That was over.  Now, he will have to figure out how to get over this. 

He went looking for Colin.

….

Han Tae-sun did not even register when Park Hyun-ki left that day.  He was too deep in his misery.  Kim Dong-Hyub was trying to reach him and he was not ready to talk to him yet.  Han Tae-sun was feeling too much and he did not want to feel it.  He just wanted Kim Dong-Hyub off his mind. 

Han Tae-sun did not hear from Kim Dong-Hyub him again after that night.  Han Tae-sun knew he should have reached out to him but he needed to deal with his own daemons.  ‘We are both adults and we will deal with our own problems.’ 

But there was a part of Han Tae-sun that wished Kim Dong-Hyub would try again.  One of them had to start the conversation again but he simply did not feel up to it.  It was too hard to take that initiative.  He had lost the courage to take the initiative after everything he had gone through.  But if Kim Dong-Hyub tried again, he felt he would just jump in.  But he had not heard from him for three days.

He was glad he got busy because of the upcoming deadline with album release of an idol band.  He could not go to all his regular classes in the art school.  Because of his background and professional work, they did not mind.  They were proud to have him attend the school.  They were happy to give him the concessions. 

His phone was off most of the time because he spent his time in the studio.  He did not expect a lot of calls.  People who were in his circle knew he was busy.  He would normally check his phone during breaks.  Sometimes he even forgot to check. 

….

It was 7pm and Han Tae-sun was tired.  He yawned.  It was a tiring day.  He had not checked his phone today.  So, he put it on finally.  Barrage of texts.  Several missed calls.  He rifled through them lazily while yawning again.  Nothing looked important till he saw Kim Dong-Hyub’s number.  He was too scared to read.  His stomach dropped and heart rate increased. 

He breathed deeply and opened the first one.  Read each one twice and finally reached the last text. 

“I loved you and everything I felt was real and that is why this has been hard”

Han Tae-sun could not breathe for a second.  He went back to previous messages.  Sorry message did not mean .  What mattered was the message after that.

“I won’t be bothering you again.”

He looked at what time the message was sent.  It was sent in the morning.  !

‘He loved me?’

What exactly did he do for Kim Dong-Hyub to love him?  He could not think of one thing.  All he remembered was being his surly self, thwarting every move Kim Dong-Hyub made to reach him.  Despite that Kim Dong-Hyub loved him? 

This had to be an infatuation, exactly the one he had felt for Oska.  He was sure Kim Dong-Hyub was physically attracted to him and he had translated that into love. 

What should he do? 

Should he just be honest instead of feeling this constant insecurity?  How did Kim Dong-Hyub feel so comfortable sharing everything he was feeling?  He was coming out for s sake and confessing to a guy who kept discouraging him?  If Kim Dong-Hyub had that courage, why was Han Tae-sun being such a coward? 

It was hard for Han Tae-sun to let go of the shell he had built around himself for many years.  Each disappointment in his life had created a layer of the shell and it was thick now.  It felt uncomfortable to come out of that shell.  It made him feel too vulnerable to a world of pain.

At the same time, it felt frustrating that he wanted to come out of it.  He had felt great joy when he had let himself enjoy those moments with Kim Dong-Hyub that day.   The feeling that he may be in love again gave him the butterflies that put a smile on his face.  How short lived will it be?

‘Ahhhh’  Han Tae-sun was screaming inside.  Should he take this risk? 

May be, he did not have to jump in completely.  Why did he have to think only of the ending?  May be he could just enjoy the beginning and let himself get used to it.  He could let this happen gradually.  ‘Perhaps, it will become easier if I continue to spend time with him.’   It was ridiculous for him to think he will never love again.  It would be too lonely.  Here is a guy who appeared to love him for whatever he was.  Warts and all.  Why was he resisting it?  Even if it is infatuation, why not enjoy it? 

With great trepidation, he sent the text.

“You just loved my body.   Clearly it was too much for you.”

…..

Kim Dong-Hyub stared at that text unbelievably.  He could not believe how that one line could make him so ridiculously happy. 

He replied back immediately with a stupid grin he simply could not get rid of his face. 

“Clearly!”

Han Tae-sun had not expected an immediate reply.  The fact that he got that put a grin on his face. 

Then he remembered that evening.  How it had made him feel till the time of the freak-out.  Since that day, he had already rationalized Kim Dong-Hyub’s freak-out and did not fault him at all.  But he recalled how he had run to Park Hyun-ki and had not picked up repeated calls from Kim Dong-Hyub.  He also recalled Kim Dong-Hyub had called Park Hyun-ki.  ‘Hang on’ he suddenly sat up straight.

Kim Dong-Hyub had called Park Hyun-ki when Han Tae-sun did not pick up his calls and Park Hyun-ki had told him he was right next to him. 

Han Tae-sun had told Kim Dong-Hyub that he had a sleeping arrangement with Park Hyun-ki.

‘Hmmm’

“I did not sleep with Park Hyun-ki if you were wondering.  It did not feel right. ” Han Tae-sun texted back.

He felt it was important to clarify that.  It was too easy to assume otherwise.  If he was planning to get into this, he might as well be sincere about his obvious failings.

When Kim Dong-Hyub saw that text, he was not entirely sure how to react.  Han Tae-sun was always brutally honest.  The fact that he felt the need to state that moved Kim Dong-Hyub.  He knew Han Tae-sun still cared. 

“Do you think we can try again?” Kim Dong-Hyub texted back.

“May be take it slow this time” Han Tae-sun texted back.

He felt lighthearted.  A melody came to his mind suddenly and he knew he needed to put it on paper.

“I have to write a song.” Was the next text Kim Dong-Hyub got from Han Tae-sun and then he did not hear from him again for two days.

Kim Dong-Hyub did not mind.  He knew they had a chance again and though he could not write a song about it, he felt like singing anyway.

Colin found him humming the next day and told him he could not carry a tune.  He laughed.  He was happy.

….

The first time

“Back in campus.  Lunch?” Han Tae-sun texted Kim Dong-Hyub.

Kim Dong-Hyub called back.  “Would have liked to see you now”

Han Tae-sun “Let’s not go overboard.  Lunch is in 3 hours”

Kim Dong-Hyub was already walking towards the music department.  It was not very far from where he was.  He wanted to see Han Tae-sun now.  It’s been full three days since he had said he loved him and though Han Tae-sun had not said it back, Kim Dong-Hyub knew he had felt enough for this to go somewhere.  For now, he was just happy that they were talking again and he simply could not wait for another 3 hours to see him.

“Where do you want to go for lunch?” Kim Dong-Hyub asked.  He just wanted to keep Han Tae-sun on the phone till he saw him.  He did not care where they were going.

“Hmmm..Cafeteria should be romantic” Han Tae-sun said.  Kim Dong-Hyub laughed and then there he was.  His red head!  Well, not yet but he would be.  As he watched Han Tae-sun grinning at the phone, Kim Dong-Hyub was determined as ever, that soon, they would be together and Han Tae-sun would feel for him as much as Kim Dong-Hyub felt for him.  He took his breath away.

“You should be aware of your surroundings more.  If you grin like that, I might have to fight with more people than just you for you.  At least now, they run away from you” Kim Dong-Hyub said.

Han Tae-sun looked up at the voice that was so close.  Kim Dong-Hyub was chuckling.  Han Tae-sun was an expert at hiding what he was feeling.  All Kim Dong-Hyub saw was very slight smile that was very quickly masked by the bland face.  Han Tae-sun looked at him thoughtfully.  He had forgotten this feeling.  Immediate warmth that filled you up at the sight of someone. You felt slightly weak in your knees.  Perhaps the pain that came later would be worth it he thought.  It was time for him to feel this way again.  It had been a while. 

Kim Dong-Hyub disconnected the call while looking at Han Tae-sun. They were probably looking strange staring at each other on the steps.  Kim Dong-Hyub still could not break the spell.  Fortunately for both of them Han Tae-sun’s friend came buy and loudly said “Hi.  I still don’t your name”.  Kim Dong-Hyub woke up from his trance and looked to his left.  It was that bubbly girl Han Tae-sun kept hanging out with.  “Hi, I am Kim Dong-Hyub” he grinned as he bowed politely.  “I am Lee Pil-suk.  Han Tae-sun’s friend”.  She bowed smiling.  She looked at Han Tae-sun.  “Why are you just standing there?” 

Han Tae-sun looked at her fondly.  She was the only one who could soften his face.  He had not shared anything with her yet.  He was not sure what he wanted to tell her.  For now, till he sorted himself out completely, he wanted to keep this to himself.  Standing here staring at Kim Dong-Hyub was probably not helping.  “He keeps stalking me” he said to Pil-suk.

“Want me to call the police?” asked Pil-suk.  Kim Dong-Hyub laughed again.  He was feeling very good and this girl was funny. 

“Okay, I am going away” he looked at Han Tae-sun.  Han Tae-sun said “wait”. 

He told Pil-suk he will see her inside.  Pil-suk waved at both of them cheerfully and left. 

Han Tae-sun walked to Kim Dong-Hyub.  “Could not wait?”

“Nope” said Kim Dong-Hyub.

“I am not very good you know.  You need to protect yourself” Han Tae-sun said.  “You will get hurt”.

“May be you should not hurt me then.”

“I am a package deal” said Han Tae-sun.

“Looks like so far I love the package” said Kim Dong-Hyub.  Han Tae-sun sighed. 

“Stop looking at me like that!” He snapped at Kim Dong-Hyub.  “We are at campus”. 

“How am I looking at you?” Kim Dong-Hyub asked.  He knew what Han Tae-sun was talking about but this was too much fun.  He was not being very sensible.  Han Tae-sun sighed again.  “Stop advertising” he snapped again.  “You know, you are looking at me like that too” Kim Dong-Hyub said. 

Han Tae-sun looked down.  ‘Damn it”.  May be they should just sleep again to get rid of all this tension. 

“I gotta go.  Let’s not do lunch.  It’s too awkward.”

Kim Dong-Hyub was disappointed.  But he understood what was going on. 

“Should we go out in the evening then? Get a beer?” Kim Dong-Hyub asked.  Both of them knew they were not really talking about getting a beer.

“What happened to taking it slow” Han Tae-sun asked.  Kim Dong-Hyub was frustrated.  ‘What does he want from me?’

“We need to start somewhere.  I don’t want to argue with you.  Tell me what to do and I will do it.”

“I will come to your apartment when I am done.  Just don’t attack me!” said Han Tae-sun.

Han Tae-sun was sending too many conflicting signals and Kim Dong-Hyub was having difficulty keeping up.  Han Tae-sun then turned around, did what looked like a ‘go away’ wave with his hand and said “I am gone.  Later”.

Kim Dong-Hyub was left looking at Han Tae-sun’s back with his mouth open.

‘This is becoming a roller coaster ride’ he thought.  ‘Well, might as well enjoy it’.

He had the evening to look forward to. 

…..

Sometime during the day, they decided on the time.  Han Tae-sun was coming over around 7.

Kim Dong-Hyub went to his apartment carrying with him some food and beer.  He thought maybe he should buy wine and then decided that was too corny. 

He reached home, put the beer in the fridge, and food on the dining table.  Then he showered, changed into simple tshirt and long comfortable shorts and waited impatiently for 7.  He did not know where the evening would go but he wanted it to be as casual as possible despite all the he was going through.  It was going to be very hard not to attack Han Tae-sun when he came in.  But he was going to use all the self-control he could muster to keep his hands off. 

Han Tae-sun was late.  He reached 15 minutes late.  Kim Dong-Hyub was going crazy waiting.  He tried distracting himself watching a replay of a drama but he could barely contain himself.  Then he heard the knock and he almost yanked the door but then breathed a calming breath and opened the door. 

Han Tae-sun had changed as well.  He looked freshly showered, Tshirt and Long shorts.  He came in, refused to look Kim Dong-Hyub in the eyes, directly went to the couch and sat down.  Kim Dong-Hyub closed the door and stood there slightly shaken.

“What are you watching?” Han Tae-sun asked.

“I have no idea” Kim Dong-Hyub said while looking at him.  Finally Han Tae-sun looked up at him.  Kim Dong-Hyub looked very unsure.  He was still at the door with his hand on the handle.  Han Tae-sun decided to end his torture. 

“So, where is the beer?” he asked.  Kim Dong-Hyub shook himself, went to the fridge, took out two beers and walked to the couch and handed one to Han Tae-sun. Han Tae-sun opened his.  He sat on the armchair instead of the couch. 

“So, how is your movie coming along?  Still looking for the music?”

So, they were going to chat.  Kim Dong-Hyub tried to relax. 

They chatted about the movie.  Mostly Kim Dong-Hyub talked.  Han Tae-sun was not much of a talker.  He asked some questions and mostly listened.  Then there was a lull in the conversation.  Kim Dong-Hyub knew he was trying too hard.  Silence just added tension. 

Then Han Tae-sun said impatiently.  ‘Do you have some food?”  He was feeling restless.  He was not sure why he did not just grab Kim Dong-Hyub and kiss him senseless but the memory of the last time kept holding him back.  What if Kim Dong-Hyub had another freak-out?  Was he ready? 

Kim Dong-Hyub saw the impatience and the restlessness.  This heat between them was suffocating.  He waved at the dinner table.  “Some basic stuff.  Do you want to eat?”.  Han Tae-sun walked to the dinner table and he had pass Kim Dong-Hyub on the way.  Kim Dong-Hyub could not bear it anymore.  He grabbed Han Tae-sun’s hand and said “I can’t take this slow.  I am about to explode”.

He then simply pulled Han Tae-sun on his lap and kissed him.  Han Tae-sun was about to explode as well.  He was just waiting for an excuse.  When he felt Kim Dong-Hyub’s lips against him, he simply let himself go.  It was a hard kiss, each on each other’s tongues, with hands on each other’s faces and hair.  It was an uncomfortable position with Han Tae-sun half on Kim Dong-Hyub’s lap and half outside the chair.  He tried getting comfortable while desperately continuing the kiss.  That just rubbed Kim Dong-Hyub’s crotch and he could feel his hardness and Kim Dong-Hyub groaned against his lips just pulling him closer.   “Ah..!”. 

Han Tae-sun moved his lips to Kim Dong-Hyub’s ears.  While pulling them with his teeth he whispered.  “Where is the bed room?”.  Kim Dong-Hyub did not need another invitation.  He slowly moved Han Tae-sun without letting him go fully, stood up, Han Tae-sun lips and let go and walked to the bedroom.  Han Tae-sun followed. 

Han Tae-sun needed the control back so that he could lead what was going to happen next.  So, he hurried behind Kim Dong-Hyub and went inside first as Kim Dong-Hyub opened the door.  He pulled Kim Dong-Hyub towards him, one hand on his back, another hand behind his neck.  “Let me take care of you okay?”  Han Tae-sun said. 

Kim Dong-Hyub nodded.  He was beginning to feel nervous again and when Han Tae-sun said that he started relaxing again and focused on everything he was feeling.  He knew he was going to be okay. 

Han Tae-sun took his t-shirt off and then tugged at Kim Dong-Hyub’s.  Kim Dong-Hyub removed his off as well.   Han Tae-sun took it slow.  He bent down and kissed Kim Dong-Hyub’s neck, while moving his right hand on his chest.  He wanted to feel their skins against each other.  He pulled Kim Dong-Hyub closer and Kim Dong-Hyub was now dropping a trail of small bites on his neck and shoulders.  Kim Dong-Hyub wanted to feel those lips again.  “I have to kiss you.  Your lips…”.  He could not complete his sentence as Han Tae-sun pulled him for a deep kiss.  As he kissed he slowly ed Kim Dong-Hyub’s shorts, putting his hand inside.  Kim Dong-Hyub moaned.  Han Tae-sun rubbed him and Kim Dong-Hyub just wanted to be free of his clothes. Before he could get rid of them completely, Han Tae-sun pushed him to bed climbing all over him.  He helped Kim Dong-Hyub get rid of his shorts and briefs.  While covering him completely with his body, he looked into Kim Dong-Hyub’s eyes and asked “how are you?”.  “I want to see you” Kim Dong-Hyub replied.  ‘You don’t have to touch me if you are not ready”.  He continued rubbing Kim Dong-Hyub and trailing kisses on his chest.  Even as Kim Dong-Hyub wriggled against him all the while “I want to see you”. 

Han Tae-sun got rid of rest of his clothes.  He stayed on top of Kim Dong-Hyub starting where he left off.  He let Kim Dong-Hyub decide what he wanted next. 

Kim Dong-Hyub started moving his hands down on Han Tae-sun’s back.  He reached his but hesitated for a brief moment and then let his instincts take over.  As he squeezed Han Tae-sun, Han Tae-sun shuddered against him and that worked as a fuel for Kim Dong-Hyub.  Suddenly he wanted to be on the top and in control.  He wanted to feel more shudders from Han Tae-sun.  He flipped Han Tae-sun on his back roughly and moved his hand down Han Tae-sun body to feel him for the first time.  He did not feel nervous anymore.  The groan that came from Han Tae-sun was just perfect for Kim Dong-Hyub and just wanted more of that.  Han Tae-sun arched his back as Kim Dong-Hyub pinned Han Tae-sun hands on top with his one hand and rubbed Han Tae-sun with the sole purpose of watching Han Tae-sun come.  Han Tae-sun struggled under him, desperate to be able to touch Kim Dong-Hyub but Kim Dong-Hyub was having none of that.  Han Tae-sun said “This is not fair”.  “I want you to come for me” said Kim Dong-Hyub.  Every groan he heard, every sound Han Tae-sun made Kim Dong-Hyub harder and he felt he would come just watching Han Tae-sun in this state.  Then Han Tae-sun said “I am there” as he arched his back, opened his eyes, looked into Kim Dong-Hyub’s eyes and said “Dong-hyub”.  And he came all over his stomach and in Kim Dong-Hyub’s hands and Kim Dong-Hyub felt pure bliss even if he was in pain himself.  He was rock hard but this sight of Han Tae-sun, completely vulnerable and saying his name as he came was something he wanted to keep in his head.  But Han Tae-sun had other ideas.  He finally got his hands loose, and all he had to do was touch Kim Dong-Hyub for Kim Dong-Hyub to release his load.  He came with big heaves, breathing hard, falling on Han Tae-sun.  Then he said “I love you Han Tae-sun”.  Han Tae-sun did not reply.  He just moved his hands on Kim Dong-Hyub’s back and said “This was my first too”.  Kim Dong-Hyub did not understand what he meant by that because Kim Dong-Hyub knew he was not his first.

Han Tae-sun did not explain. 

They just stayed that way as they breathed in unison, recovering.  Han Tae-sun kept his eyes closed.  He was afraid he would burst into tears if he opened them and looked at Kim Dong-Hyub.

Finally, Kim Dong-Hyub stirred against him.  They were both sticky.  But that movement got them hard again.  Kim Dong-Hyub enjoyed the feeling.  He raised himself up with his arms, their lower body still touching and smiled at Han Tae-sun.  Han Tae-sun still had his eyes closed.  He seemed to be struggling with something.  So, Kim Dong-Hyub simply kissed his eyes and asked “What’s wrong?  You don’t have to say it”.  Then he kissed his lips again, this time tenderly.  “I did not freak out”.  Han Tae-sun was screaming in his head ‘But, I am freaking out Dong-Hyub.  I think I love you too’.  Han Tae-sun was not ready to say it aloud yet.  He did not believe it himself.  He meant what he said to Kim Dong-Hyub. This was his first time where it was not just . This felt emotional, charged, heavy and perfect.  This was his first and he was overly emotional and this was not the time to make rash statements. 

“So, you are ?” he asked Kim Dong-Hyub.

Han Tae-sun never failed to surprise Kim Dong-Hyub. “What did I do?”

“You like to dominate I noticed.  What was with the hand pinning?”

“That was ?”  Kim Dong-Hyub moved suggestively with his hips.  He kissed Han Tae-sun’s ears.

“You didn’t like it?”  It was a serious question.  Kim Dong-Hyub felt slightly anxious.  He had let his instincts take over and he had enjoyed watching Han Tae-sun squirm under him in pure ecstasy, being all vulnerable and his face expressing everything he was feeling.  The fact that Kim Dong-Hyub had made him feel that way, felt good.  Not because he wanted to be dominant, but he had made Han Tae-sun express himself and he was responsible for making it happen.  It was just for him.  It gave him joy.  But if Han Tae-sun did not like that, he wanted to be sensitive.  Han Tae-sun had such a tough exterior all the time but now Kim Dong-Hyub knew how to start getting him out of that shell Han Tae-sun had built around himself. 

 “Did it look like I didn’t like it?”.  He had already started making those sounds again as Kim Dong-Hyub had started moving on him.   “So, I can get kinkeer?”

…….