They decided to hang out at a bar they both knew. 

Han Tae-sun did not like drinking as much.  Kim Dong-Hyub did not mind drinking.  Neither of them thought they were here for drinking anyway.  They ordered a pitcher of beer and some buffalo wings. 

“I heard you met Lee Pil-suk” Han Tae-sun asked.  They both had tried to be cool and both of them still awkward.  

‘This needs to get better’ Kim Dong-Hyub thought.  But he always felt too much emotion when Han Tae-sun was next him and he had to keep resisting his need to touch him. 

Some awkward exchanges which were all too polite and felt too weird for both of them, Han Tae-sun had finally decided to start somewhere.

PIl-suk was a good excuse to start with something.

Kim Dong-Hyub had always felt guilty about that.  It looked like Lee Pil-suk had told him.  ‘Good!”

“I am sorry I did not tell you.  She was not sure if I should and then I was not sure myself” Kim Dong-Hyub said.

“What did you guys talk about?” Han Tae-sun asked.

“Hmm…. I felt she was vetting me really.  I tried to make a good impression.” Kim Dong-Hyub said.

“You are not telling me what you talked about.” Han Tae-sun said.

“Nothing much really.  Are you upset about that?”

“I don’t like the concept of that” Han Tae-sun said.  “Plus you never mentioned.”

Kim Dong-Hyub could sense a certain amount of annoyance.  But it did not look like much. 

“I am sorry I did not mention it.  It’s not like we have had a lot of normal conversations.  Plus I like her.  She is really nice.  Okay, I feel a little guilty” Kim Dong-Hyub finally said.

Han Tae-sun was not sure if he wanted to dwell on this.  It did not look like it affected anything.  Only he would make it uncomfortable for everyone.  “Whatever!” he said in his characteristic fashion.

Kim Dong-Hyub latched on to whatever.  No way was he going to speak one sentence about any of it.

They sipped their beers.  Han Tae-sun spoke again.  “You said you wanted to know about me.  What do you want to know?”

When asked this directly, Kim Dong-Hyub was not sure exactly what to say.  “Well, I want to know everything.”  He said.  ‘What do I ask him?  How is he this direct?’ 

Kim Dong-Hyub immediately thought of Oska.  That was the only thing Lee Pil-suk had mentioned carelessly and had immediately sounded concerned as she had too much.  He had looked up details about Oska since then.  All he knew from what he had read online was Oska was married.  He had tried ‘Han Tae-sun+Oska’ on search engines.  It had made him feel guilty but he wanted to know.  The only thing he found that Han Tae-sun had produced some songs on Oska’s 7^th album.  The fact that Lee Pil-suk had blurted out Oska’s name when she was clearly buzzed told him there was something very important there.  But there was no way he was going to ask Han Tae-sun about this directly.  From whatever little Lee Pil-suk had said, Oska seemed to have mattered and it was not a conversation he was going to bring up despite how curious he was. 

Han Tae-sun said “I don’t like to talk about myself.  If you ask me specific questions, I will answer if I feel comfortable” 

‘Gosh.  Why is it that I am the one who has to try this hard?’  Kim Dong-Hyub found himself exasperated.  He was feeling a little frustrated.  It was like pulling teeth. 

Perhaps he could start at the beginning and see if Han Tae-sun was comfortable talking about something that must have been really difficult. 

“What was it like to come out?”  Kim Dong-Hyub asked.

“It was not good.” Han Tae-sun said. 

KDH sighed.  ‘Exactly how was this evening was going to go?’

Han Tae-sun noticed Kim Dong-Hyub looked a little exasperated.  He knew he was not making it easy.  But he simply did not like to talk about those days, no, ‘years’ he corrected himself.  It was hell and I don’t want to talk about that.  It adds no value. 

“They were hard years for me and it is not something I like to think about.  I am sorry, but I can’t really talk about it.”  Han Tae-sun wanted to make sure Kim Dong-Hyub understood. 

“Okay, why don’t you tell me something about you then?  Whatever you feel comfortable with”.  Kim Dong-Hyub asked.  He did not have specific questions.  He just wanted to know everything.  He did not know what to ask.  He kept it open ended.  All the while hoping Han Tae-sun knew what he was trying to do.  ‘I love you Han Tae-sun, I just want to understand you.  Please help me’

Han Tae-sun thought about what he could share.  “I am the only child.  We were kind of middle class.  My parents knew I was different.  They tried to help me but we were all uncomfortable.  I was scouted when I was 16.  I started modeling after that.”

Kim Dong-Hyub had not heard anything so dry and completely devoid of any real information. 

“So, that is what you want to share about the 16 years of your life” Kim Dong-Hyub said. 

“That was all to it except for coming out and that is not something I want to talk about.  It was tough and that is all.”  Han Tae-sun wanted to make sure he was very clear.

Kim Dong-Hyub realized it was all he was going to get.  Instead he decided to talk about himself.

“I have an older brother.  Just the two of us.  My parents are both doctors.  So, you know, we have money.  That apartment is actually my parent’s.  My brother is married.  My family has a lot of friends.”

Han Tae-sun wanted to know.  It sounded like a very different life. 

“I have not yet told them” Kim Dong-Hyub said.

Did he know how it was going to be?  Han Tae-sun wondered.  “Are you going to anytime soon?”

“I don’t know.” Kim Dong-Hyub had thought about this a lot.  He was not really sure how his family would feel about something like this.  He had been pretending everything was just the way it was even after he found out this about himself.  The fact that he had to even talk about something like this with his family bothered him. 

“I need to become independent” That thought just occurred to him and he just blurted it out. 

Han Tae-sun forgot about all his angst and doubts.  No matter what their relationship would turn out to be, he had to help Kim Dong-Hyub.  In whatever way he could.  No one had helped Han Tae-sun.  He had to do everything on his own.  Lee Pil-suk had listened but she could not really help him practically.  He was just lucky he was scouted and was able to make it.  It had brought its own set of troubles but he had managed to survive.  He could help Kim Dong-Hyub by making it easier.  He had not had the opportunity to help anyone else.  He was too involved with himself to care.  But he wanted to make sure Kim Dong-Hyub could deal with everything.  ‘I will make sure.  I will not be a jerk”.

“That is generally the first step.  You can’t be dependent financially on anyone.  You have no choice then.  You want to walk away but you can’t” Han Tae-sun said.  

“Was it that tough?” Kim Dong-Hyub asked.

“Yes.  I was suicidal” Han Tae-sun said.  It slipped out.  This was not something he had shared even with Pil-suk.  He had cried on her shoulders for sure but he had not told her he wanted to slit his wrists and she had saved him by listening.  “Lee Pil-suk saved me in a way.  She was there and it helped me survive” 

‘This is what happens when I drink’ Han Tae-sun said to himself. 

“I think I love her right now as much as I love you” Kim Dong-Hyub said. 

“We are both drunk” Han Tae-sun said. 

They were both emotional.  Neither of them was really drunk or anyway close.  They were still on their first glasses and were using the excuse to remove the awkwardness and the depth of what they were feeling.  Kim Dong-Hyub found it easy to recover.

“So, anyway, I would have to tell them one of these days.  My mom keeps talking about someone or the other from another rich family.”

“You said you had a girlfriend for two years.” Han Tae-sun asked.  Kim Dong-Hyub had already told him she had ended it and there was probably no passion.  But he wanted to know how it affected the family.

“Actually, she was not from our circle.  We happened to meet because she was with her friend who was a friend of a friend in our circle.  I don’t even remember”. 

“You slept with her” Han Tae-sun said accusingly.  Even he felt childish when he said that.

“I have slept with her and at least, hmmm, three more women” Kim Dong-Hyub said.

Han Tae-sun just felt irritated.  “How do you know you are gay then?” he asked.  Making his distaste very obvious. 

“Because none of them felt anything close to what I felt when I just jerked off with you” Kim Dong-Hyub said impatiently.  “Getting a hard on with you was different from getting a hard on with them.  I did not get a hard on just thinking about them.  I get a hard on thinking about you.  When you kissed me that day, I felt everything else that had happened in my life was pretend”  ‘Ahhh.  I want to scream’ Kim Dong-Hyub thought.  Did Han Tae-sun understand?

Han Tae-sun had to stop this.  Kim Dong-Hyub was getting emotional and Han Tae-sun was making it harder.  “You want to leave?” Han Tae-sun asked.  “Yes” Kim Dong-Hyub answered.

Han Tae-sun waived for the check and they were off.  “Your apartment is more comfortable” Han Tae-sun said.  “I don’t care” Kim Dong-Hyub said. 

Han Tae-sun hailed a cab.  All this cabbing was going to dent his purse.  But, it did not matter this second. 

Cab was just too much heat.  Han Tae-sun held Kim Dong-Hyub’s hand.  It was not easy to be gay on the street.  You could get beaten up.  He had learnt his lessons.  So, for now, he just allowed Kim Dong-Hyub to hold his hand and he held it back making sure Kim Dong-Hyub felt what he was feeling.

They reached his apartment.  ‘Did the lady who was in the elevator feel the tension?’ Han Tae-sun wondered randomly.  

Kim Dong-Hyub opened the door and Han Tae-sun let himself loose.  Even as Kim Dong-Hyub opened the door, Han Tae-sun pulled him and kissed him.  He had no patience.  He had been holding on for too long.  He had been too patient.  ‘I wanted to have him the first day I laid eyes on him.  Why did I have to frustrate myself’ Han Tae-sun thought even as he just on Kim Dong-Hyub’s tongue and grinded against him.

Kim Dong-Hyub just wanted to possess Han Tae-sun. It had been too long.  All his wants washed over him and he wanted to hear those groans again.

They were groping, pulling at each other’s clothes and not really going anywhere. 

“!  What the hell are you wearing?” Kim Dong-Hyub asked Han Tae-sun. 

Han Tae-sun chuckled despite what he was feeling.  He removed himself from Kim Dong-Hyub’s arms that were pressing on him, kept moving towards the bedroom as he removed his clothes.  “Come” He said even when he was inviting Kim Dong-Hyub to his own bedroom.  Kim Dong-Hyub removed his own clothes as he walked behind Han Tae-sun.  They both stumbled upon their own clothing and on each other’s clothing.  Han Tae-sun kept walking to the bedroom and all Kim Dong-Hyub wanted do was to reach him and just feel that body moving against him.  They were all over each other on the bed.  Their clothes all over the living room.  Han Tae-sun was saying “Do whatever you want” and Kim Dong-Hyub whispering “I want to you senseless” and Han Tae-sun was saying “Do it” and they did. 

It was hot.  It was urgent and then it was slow.  It was everything they both wanted. 

They both felt satiated in the end.  When they were breathing against each other after several hours of going at it, Han Tae-sun finally said “I might be in love with you Kim Dong-Hyub”

Kim Dong-Hyub did not want to believe him.  At that moment, whatever Han Tae-sun felt emotionally was invalid. Kim Dong-Hyub had just confirmed what he had already felt for a long time for Han Tae-sun.  He loved Han Tae-sun, his body, his soul and whatever else there was.  What Han Tae-sun was feeling was a different thing.  Kim Dong-Hyub wanted Han Tae-sun to tell him he loved him when he was not in his bed looking like this.  Han Tae-sun looked spent.  Even as Kim Dong-Hyub moved against him, hugging him from the back on the bed, Han Tae-sun’s head on his shoulders, their heads touching, and his other hand on Han Tae-sun’s stomach, moving lazy circles, he was not sure if Han Tae-sun was sincere.  He wanted Han Tae-sun to tell him he loved him when they were not in bed like this.  He wanted to hear it when everything felt sane. 

“Tell that to me tomorrow” Kim Dong-Hyub said.

…..