Written by: "Star"
Pairing: MyungYa

Prompt: reservation, n. 

There are times when I worry that I’ve already lost myself. That is, that my self is so inseparable from being with you that if we were to separate, I would no longer be. I save this thought for when I feel the darkest discontent. I never meant to depend so much on someone else. 

(from the lovers dictionary)

Lets Wishing On A Satellite We Thought A Star

(2,320 words)

Howon checks the accounting files once again before finally setting it to the piles of other files. He rests his back on the lush, comfortable leather seat and drops his arms on the arm rest. Relaxing his mind and muscles from all the reading and planning for the future project of Lee Industries. He remembers meeting with a representative from Jang Company, Nam Woohyun, and discussing about having a cooperation regarding the stock sales, and he remembers having a late dinner with Kim Sunggyu, an ambassador for his company's new products – but when was the last time he took a break from all of this? From working too hard? When was the last time he didn’t indulge himself with his work?

Howon knows perfectly when that was.

“You still think of him,” Sunggyu, the ambassador a.k.a his best friend had points out during one of their dinners, and Howon is instantly taken aback by it before he could finally relax again.

“Yeah...” I can’t stop thinking about him.

And Sunggyu doesn't miss that sweet smile at the corner of his lips as he says the one lone word.

That’s why he works too hard.

It is just one of his ways to forget him. Even just for a while, it is the only way to not think about him. Because if he did, then he would be drowning himself with missing him even more.

Kim Myungsoo.

The person he always seems to miss. He misses him a little. He misses him a little too much, a little too often, and a whole lot more each day.

It's a clear, nice day, when he's called to meet his dad.

The outline of his dad’s figure is still the same. Still that hard man that wants control in everything; even with Howon’s life. But Howon is used to that, having been adapting himself since he was young. He remembers when he was forced to take music classes, when all he wanted to do was hang out with his friends. Speaking of which, even his friends were selected. One was from the Jang family, Dongwoo. But Dongwoo is okay. He’s a spirit lifter and his family has always been nice to Howon too.

His father doesn’t even ask for his opinion. He doesn’t even care to look at him as he places an envelope at the space in front of Howon, like all his plans for Howon are the best and there’s nothing Howon could do to oppose them. Carefully, Howon tears open the envelope and finds a picture of a girl, a beautiful and lovely girl, but Howon still likes men. No, he likes that one certain man.

He's set to meet the girl that night and he ought to please her and her family so the date for their engagement could be set. Howon really doesn’t want to, he promised someone that he’ll go out tonight, so Howon throws some random excuses, but none of it buys his father's attention. The cold man puts a stop to their conversation by reminding him again about the dinner tonight and Howon is left with a heavy heart.

Still, he attends the dinner.

And all he wants is to backtrack to day one.

Howon remembers that day as if it was only yesterday. He was in the last year of his degree life and desperately trying to finish his study in International Business. His life was nothing more than waking up, going to classes, doing too many assignments with the limited time given. On that particular day, Howon was walking down the aisle of bookshelves, trying to find a certain book for his assignment – Ethics in Business (or so it was called). It was quiet with only four students and Howon couldn’t see the librarian ... so maybe she was not there ... he didn't really care. Howon was still walking in between the aisles, his eyes skimming the bookshelf, trying to find his desired book. He stopped when he found the book he was looking for and reach to pull it out from the others.

It was then, when he fully pulled the book out, that he saw someone on the other side of the bookshelf. The person had his head ducked a little and in that little space between books, Howon could see the guy, as ethereal as someone can be, finger tracing a chain of words from the books. The guy seemed to be too engrossed with what he was reading to actually notice Howon at him; his eyes were slightly covered by his bangs anyway.

Howon still wasn't done listing all the little things he found so beautiful about the guy across from him when the guy shut the book and looked up. He had a feline pair of eyes with orbs as brown as coffee, and it was so beautiful that Howon couldn’t take his eyes off of those eyes. But the guy didn’t strain his eyes like Howon did him. He simply looked up and left, leaving Howon spell bound as if their joined eyes in that second cast a spell on him.

It was the next day that Howon found out the guy’s name.

Kim Myungsoo.

It was Lee Jieun, the stranger that he had to spend the evening with back then.

Howon attended the dinner with a heavy heart. He just hoped for an early end to the dinner so as to keep his promise to Myungsoo – his boyfriend by then.

Lee Jieun was a nice girl. Pretty in that white dress with pink laces on the hems of the sleeves, and cute stilettos too, but nothing compared to the simple black T-shirt Myungsoo loved the most. Jieun had her hair tied in a bun with a single strand of hair curling gracefully at the side, framing her sweet white face, but all Howon wanted to see was Myungsoo with his messy bed hair in the morning as sunlight peered into the bedroom.

Jieun danced with Howon the first time they met each other; she seemed so pleased with him as her future husband. She told Howon that he was charming and that she wouldn't mind spending her whole life with him. Howon didn't say anything back. Just that his heart was reluctant and heavy.

He twirled her before catching her with his hand at the small of her back, stared into her eyes with a message in his own, as if trying to tell her to save him. But she didn't understand; she was too happy and excited for her promising future. But Howon was troubled; he felt like he was cheating because all his heart ever wanted was Myungsoo.

And in times like those he needed Myungsoo the most. He needed to feel Myungsoo under his skin. He needed to look into Myungsoo’s eyes and have those eyes looking back into his. He needed to tell Myungsoo that he loved him so much, and he needd Myungsoo’s way of telling him that he loved Howon too.

Howon needed that little assurance. Or maybe he just needed Myungsoo to always be with him, to ease his troubled heart.

“Yeah..” That lone word catches Sunggyu's attention.

Howon tilts his head to the side, looking out through the window pane and refusing to come face to face with Sunggyu.

It always has been the hardest part. Talking about Kim Myungsoo when he’s not here, not with him. Because all Howon could feel is nothingness. He’s numb without Myungsoo.

And he’s afraid. Because Myungsoo is always there, everywhere, when really he’s nowhere to be found. He’s there constantly in Howon’s mind as well as he’s there permanently in his heart.

Howon looks up into Sunggyu’s concerned eyes, before directing his gaze down to his cold cup of coffee. He doesn’t need that, he doesn’t want anyone's sympathy.

Howon fiddles with the cup’s handle before taking a firm grasp at it.

He still feels Sunggyu’s eyes following his movement as he drinks the coffee and leaves the cup empty—how great it would be if he could drink his love and longing empty too.

Howon shielded his face in defence when a book was thrown in his direction.

“Soo-yah, please calm down,” he pleaded, looking at his furious lover who was picking up another book – a thicker one this time.

“Don’t you dare call me that! Not until you come out to your family about us! And I can’t believe you’re going to marry that girl!” Myungsoo said, anger obvious in his voice, as he reached for everything in his range to throw at Howon, until finally he slowed down, like he was tired, so very tired with everything. The last book in his hand slipped and fell to the floor with a faint thud and his eyes went sad, “Don’t you love me?” he said and his voice came out barely audible; it just echoed in the still spaces. Howon’s heart shattered. He was hurting Myungsoo as well as himself too.

A single tear fell from his eyes when Howon managed only an “I’m sorry” before leaving their secret shared apartment. He managed to hear another thud that he was sure was from Myungsoo falling on the floor, probably crying his heart out. But Howon didn’t turn back, didn’t stop to mend the broken heart. He just didn't.

He thought, if he just tried to suppress his love for Myungsoo, just maybe... maybe he could fall in love with Jieun.

It wasn’t until a few more weeks to his engagement when he realized that he couldn’t.

The day of their engagement, with only family members attending it, Howon had stood up and told everyone about Myungsoo.

“He’s amazing and sweet and funny and I don’t think I could live without him.” Howon had said looking straight to his dad. He was surprised though, when his dad didn’t say anything. There was no trace of anger on his father’s face when he turned to Jieun, next to him, kissed her cheek and whispered to her: 'I’m sorry' but she just smiled and squeezed Howon’s fingers.

When Howon arrived at Myungsoo’s and his shared apartment, the said man wasn’t there.

Later, he received a call from Myungsoo’s bestfriend, Sungyeol – who sounded panicked.

That was when he saw the empty bottle of sleeping pills on the floor.

It was too late.

 “Are you going to be okay?” Sunggyu asks, eyeing Howon as they walk to their respective cars. He doesn’t get any response from the latter though; Howon only reaches to unlock his car.

Opening his car’s door, Howon finally says, “Of course I will,” before getting inside and driving out from the parking lot.

It's always in this moment – alone with no company, that his mind drifts back to Myungsoo, to all the happy memories they shared, and it only makes him want to cry all over again.

He remembers the third winter of his life at the campus. It was the day he went crazy with Dongwoo at the club, drinking until he was drunk and didn't give a damn about anything happening around him. But then he spotted the first year students and Myungsoo was among them and in that short moment all Howon saw was Myungsoo despite the crowds. And then there was the craziest thing he ever did: He walked straight through the crowd, straight to Myungsoo. He spun the guy around and kissed him, breathlessly.

Howon should have felt like the biggest idiot ever, but then Myungsoo had this small smile that clearly said he liked the kiss and welcomed Howon to kiss him again.

Howon forces the memories away when he finally lays down on his soft mattress. The mattress is cold, but Howon likes to think that it’s only colder now without Myungsoo. Not just the mattress but the whole house. Now that he no longer gets to come home to a warm dinner, now that he no longer comes home and the lights are already on. But mostly now that he no longer comes home to a certain someone opening the door and beaming a dimpled smile at him... his favourite smile. There is no longer such a thing; everything is just cold. Howon thinks, so is his heart.

He misses him. He misses Myungsoo a little bit more than too much. He misses telling Myungsoo how much he loves him, and how Myungsoo never outright told him he loved him back. No, he’d never; at least, he'd never tell Howon that he love him with words, like any normal person would. Instead, whenever Howon said “I love you,” Myungsoo would always laugh, shake his head, give him shy smiles and tell him that he’s an idiot. That’s the way Myungsoo always said “I love you.” And Howon knew that.

Howon just misses Myungsoo so much that sometimes, there are moments when he’s worried that he had already lost himself from loving Myungsoo. That is, his self, his soul, is so inseparable from being with his lover that if they were to be separate, he would no longer be. Howon has always saved this thought for when he felt the darkest discontent. He had never meant to depend so much on someone else the way he depended on Myungsoo’s love.

It's when he’s drifting between consciousness and unconsciousness, that his phone rings.

It's Sungyeol.

“He’s awake.”

That’s all Howon needed to hear.

Very soon he finds himself standing in front of the white door, hand ready to slide it open. And he does. And Myungsoo is there on the white bed in a white hospital gown and he swears that his lover is the closest picture to angel, and Myungsoo is looking at him. His eyes and smile too bright. Myungsoo is his angel. Always.

Fin