Written by: "Bunny" 

Pairing: Myungjong

Prompt: I can neither live with you, nor without you 

Words: 3,330 

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Please don't find me, don't look upon me...

 

A tear rolled down his cheek.

 

Just remember me as how I used to be...

 

He felt the piece of paper crumpling in his grip. There were sweat drops on his palm, seeping through the thin sheet of paper.

 

I know I've changed, but...

 

The words after that were scribbled, illegible lines that could not be understood.

 

But what? What are you trying to say? Why did you disappear just like this? Myungsoo? Myungsoo where are you? I need you, don’t just disappear like this, I’m here for a reason… What can’t be solved between us? We have been together for so many years...

 

The questions were screaming at him, screaming their lungs out in his head, making it hurt. His ears were ringing, and his hands flew to his ears in an attempt to shield the voices out, but to no avail.

 

He remembered the expression etched on Myungsoo’s face before he left. It was an expression of contempt, the smirk plastered on his face was something entirely foreign to Sungjong, who knew Myungsoo as a shy and dorky little boy, who became more and more reserved as he grew up.

 

What happened to you? Why can't you tell me anything?

 

"Sungjong, I can't live without you, but I... I can't live with you either"

 

"Why not?"

 

"So that you can be safe from me."

 

"Why?"

 

"I can't tell you."

 

Bits and pieces of past conversations joined the questions, as the pain in his head intensified. Something was wrong, and Myungsoo wanted to keep the problems away from him. It hurt him inside, simply because Myungsoo's decision made it seem like Sungjong could not be trusted, or need not be burdened with his problems.

 

But Sungjong wanted to know about them. He needed Myungsoo too. He needed Myungsoo to be safe, he needed Myungsoo to be happy, therefore he was willing to help, no matter what it took.

 

He took a deep breath, before reading the letter again, with the belief that he could find out what was wrong from the letter.

 

Nothing came.

 

He sighed, before burying his face into his pillow, tears staining his reddened cheeks.

 

Please just tell me, what's wrong?

 

Of course, there was no reply, and Sungjong was left alone with his thoughts.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Myungsoo wandered around the deserted streets of the small district, his arms tightening around his thin torso, the cold wind beating mercilessly on his small frame.

 

It was already the second day without food. He was cold and hungry, and he was sure that at the rate that he was going, he was going to lose control of his body. He did not want that to happen, but there was nothing much he could do.

 

Myungsoo, you can do this. You can handle this alone. Remember? You created him, therefore you can control him. As long as you’re in charge, you’re fine, he doesn’t dare to do anything to you.

 

His mother's voice ran through his head as he took another step forward.

 

Yes, that's how you do it. L is you, you are L. You can control L. L is just a small part of you. You are a lot more.

 

His steps were getting laboured, but he did not want to stop. Stopping meant quitting, and quitting meant admitting defeat to L. He did not want that.

 

L was a cannibal. L was a ruthless killer. L could not feel. L was like a super robot gone wrong, fearless and unfeeling, running uncontrollably everywhere, destroying everything in its way. Therefore L did not deserve to win, but destroyed.

 

L killed his parents, L killed his best friend, and he had to stop L, before he killed Sungjong too. He could not fathom life without Sungjong. Sungjong was all that he had left, or rather, Sungjong’s family was the only people he had, the only people he cared about. Myungsoo knew L. He knew L well enough to know that L would kill every single one of them, as long as they knew about his existence. But Myungsoo had to tell them about L, or they would be defenceless against him.

 

L was him, he was L. He created L, but L ended up controlling him. He did not like that.

 

Myungsoo's mind was in a mess. He needed food to keep going, before L appeared and killed someone to satisfy his hunger, but there was no food in sight. At that hour, there was nothing but the empty streets and a few lonely lampposts standing a few meters apart from each other. He felt the energy slipping away from him, as his knees came into contact with the icy asphalt ground.

 

He woke up in a dark room, which had a mirror spanning across one side of the room, and a dim red light shining from the other end.

 

“Ah, Myungsoo, you’re finally here.”

 

His reflection in the mirror smirked at him, the right side of his lips dragged halfway up his cheek.

 

“Why did you give Sungjong the uncompleted letter?”

 

“Why would I expose my existence? I certainly do not want to be gotten rid of.”

 

“And you just left, leaving me alone on the streets without a coat, hungry and without money?”

 

“Makes it easier for me to take over in future, doesn’t it?” The reflection folded his arms as he clicked his tongue at Myungsoo. “I can’t believe that you created me but I’m smarter than you.”

 

Myungsoo felt his nails digging into his palms.

 

“And I can’t believe that I am the one taking care of the body better than you are.”

 

“You have no morals, you deserve to disappear!”
 

“You were the one who did not want me to have morals, be thankful that I am the one protecting you. Please count your blessings.” The reflection was surprisingly calm, as the smirk stayed stuck on his face.

 

Myungsoo wanted to wipe that smirk off, maybe with detergent, or maybe bleach, or turpentine…

 

“You do realise that those products can do nothing to me right? Since I live in your brain.”

 

Right, they could read each other’s thoughts. Myungsoo almost forgot about that.

 

“I know you want to keep that Sungjong boy safe.” The reflection continued, as a bloody looking red rose appeared in his hand. “Well, I will not kill him, or anyone around him for that matter, but it means that you are not supposed to tell him about me.”

 

“Quit playing around.”

 

Myungsoo stated, quietly in contrast to his outburst a moment ago.

 

The reflection the rose lovingly. “And to be honest, I have taken a liking to him the last time I met him.”

 

“L!”

 

“What? Afraid that I will do anything to your lover boy? Don’t worry, I will preserve him so that…”

 

His voice was cut off as the mirror shattered into many pieces, falling unceremoniously onto the ground. His fist drove into the wall behind the mirror, creating a large dent in it. His hand hurt, as if a sword pierced through it. He tried ignoring the pain, but to no avail.

 

Blood trickled from his hand onto the ground, resulting in red flowers blooming instantly where the drops of blood fell. He felt his energy slipping away from him slowly, his eyes fluttering shut. There was nothing left in him to resist the darkness that came after that. L had taken over. 

 

The first thing L did the moment he took over the body was to hunt for his food.

 

He cursed himself for not finding a more populated place before he gave the body up to Myungsoo. The problem was no longer about people discovering his existence, or Myungsoo successfully getting rid of him, but about survival of the body itself. Without food, the body was not going to survive, and his survival in the body was only possible if the body was alive. L did not know if his thoughts made sense anymore, since he was too hungry to think rationally.

 

A female caught his attention as she strode past, her red stilettos making loud clicking noises against the asphalt road.

 

Finally, a human.

 

He loved human meat more than anything else, because the flesh was tender, and the metallic taste of fresh blood was beyond appetising, at least for himself.

 

He crept up behind her, after noticing that she had two white wires plugged into her ears, ensuring that she could not hear him approaching from behind.

 

He felt as if he was destined to do this. Nothing satisfied him more than the feeling of human brains slithering down his throat, therefore he felt the need to consume them from time to time.

 

Also, humans were beyond beautiful when they are preserved in their original form, without bacteria tainting them from the inside out. He was fine being the cleansing medium, willing to consume the materials while helping others at the same time.

 

The female was oblivious to her surroundings -- her head bobbing to the music only she could hear, through the two wires plugged into her ears.

 

He hastened his steps towards her retreating back, before springing into a leap.

 

There was no screaming.

 

There was no shouting.

 

She lay on the ground.

 

Defenceless.

 

Unconscious.

 

Dead.

 

A satisfied smirk replaced L's otherwise emotionless expression as he dragged the corpse towards the park, which were full of overgrown trees and scrubs. A perfect place to enjoy my meal, together with Myungsoo, alone...

 

He made sure that his trails were covered seamlessly before settling down onto the ground in the middle of a few large bushes in the park, together with the lifeless body.

 

"I'm sorry that I don't have access to a kitchen right now, or I would have tried preserving your skin and bones... I guess I'll have to eat the skin this time too… Maybe I should pack and bring those bones home to grind them… Oh wait, I can just chop you up and bring you home...”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Myungsoo’s eyes fluttered open, and he was rather surprised to find himself back on the bed of his own apartment. He rubbed his own stomach, frowning slightly after realising that it was full, first time in a long time.

 

Then a thought crossed his mind. The food… Who… What… Sungjong!

 

He shot up into a sitting position, causing a sharp pain to shoot up his back. Where am I? I need to find Sungjong…. Quick!

 

He found himself running out of the room, sighing to himself in relief after realising that he was in his own apartment, which was situated not too far away from Sungjong’s. He slipped his foot into a random pair of shoes, before bolting towards Sungjong’s house.

 

“Sungjong… Sungjong please… Be safe, I can’t live without you…” He chanted to himself, the soles of his shoes scraping against the gravel ground, his hair flying up behind him in a crazy manner.

 

He reached the door of Sungjong’s apartment in a matter of seconds, pounding on the door frantically, totally not caring for the fact that it was late in the night.

 

“Sungjong! Open up! I need to talk to you! Right now!” There was no time for him to catch his breath as his fist rose up again, this time however, colliding with the skinny frame of the male standing in front of him instead the solid material of the wooden door.

 

“Myung… Soo?”

 

The two males stood opposite each other, their faces mirroring each other's’ wide-eyed expressions.

 

“What are you…” Sungjong started, his hands balling into fists as he turned away from the other male, biting his lip.

 

“You’re safe.”

 

Myungsoo felt that he had finally started breathing after a long time as his chest started heaving up and down rapidly. He clutched onto the doorframe for support before taking in the situation they were in.

 

His hair was disheveled, in not too big a contrast from Sungjong’s, but he was quite sure that Sungjong still looked more glamorous than he did, despite the fact that the other male was only in his pyjamas.

 

“I am. Why did you…”

 

Slightly exasperated by the way Myungsoo was acting, Sungjong started, only to be cut off by a sweaty body pressed onto his.

 

“I’m sorry, I should have told you everything earlier…. I was so afraid… I wanted to…”

 

Sungjong could no longer bring himself to stay angry at Myungsoo, especially since he was in such a pathetic state, in his apartment, clinging onto himself.

 

“Hey relax, tell me what’s wrong. I can’t understand anything. First you disappeared, then you reappear more than two months later in the middle of the night…” He rambled on and on, failing to notice that Myungsoo had started staring at him with the dorky smile he had missed so much.

 

“Can we sit down?”

 

He looked at Myungsoo, who was scratching at the back of his head with a sheepish smile.

 

And that was how the two ended up sitting at the coffee table, a warm cup of coffee shared between then at 2 am in the morning.

 

“So, will you tell me what happened? Even the letter you left me was half-written.”

 

Myungsoo had calmed down by a fair bit by then, a small smile hanging by the edge of his lips, while Sungjong had settled onto the couch, after pinning his long fringe up.

 

Myungsoo bit his lip, as his expression turned serious. “I wanted to save you.”

 

“Why? From what?” Sungjong was never one to be patient enough to wait of others to finish their sentences.

 

“From my other personality.” There was a moment of silence, as Sungjong tried absorbing the information. “I have split personality disorder. I wanted to tell you that… But I guess I was a little tired during that period, so my other personality took over when I was writing the letter, and I guess he sent it to you.”

 

It was the first time Myungsoo had said so much to Sungjong at a given time, and Sungjong found that he liked it a lot. He nodded, showing that he was still paying attention.

 

“I was trying to control him, but I guess I fail, so he took over for a period of time. He knew about us, and that I was going to tell you about my disorder. He was afraid that you will help me get rid of him, so he wanted to get rid of you first. I was so worried… I…”

 

“I understand.” No I don’t. Why did you have to handle all of this by yourself, you should have stayed to let me see your other self…

 

As if answering Sungjong’s unasked question, Myungsoo continued, “No you don’t. He wanted to kill you before you knew anything, and I was so worried that he had already did that when he took over… But you’re fine… Thank god. You wouldn’t want to know how he gets rid of people.” He shuddered internally, before taking a quick sip of the coffee. “I just hope you’ll understand. I love you, it’s just that… Good things all come to an end, don’t they?” His voice had to betray him at that moment by cracking, as tears started to pool at the edge of his eyes.

 

Sungjong turned his attention to his fingers. “I want help you, even if it means killing myself… I don’t want you to suffer your…”

 

He was cut off by Myungsoo, who had grabbed onto his wrists without him noticing. “I’ll suffer more if you’re hurt! I… I love you, don’t you understand?”

 

“I don’t! If you do love me, you will accept my help! I can’t do without you!” Sungjong screeched, pulling his arms out of Myungsoo’s wrists. “Don’t you know how much I suffered without you?”

 

There was another round of silence, with a heavy weight of tension held between the two of them.

 

“Don’t suffer yourself.” Sungjong decided to break the silence first as he whispered quietly, a drop of tear staining his pyjama pants. “Go get help, even if it’s not from me.” The last part was barely audible, as he stood up. “Feel free to stay for the night. I’m going back to sleep.”

 

What he failed to notice however, was the arrogant smirk on Myungsoo’s face, which simply meant that the one sitting in front of him was L, not Myungsoo.

 

L what are you trying to do? Stop whatever you are doing right now! Return my body to me right now!

 

L had a wide grin on his face as he leant onto the back of the couch, his arms folded in front of his chest.

 

You shouldn’t have broken down just now if you really wanted to stay in charge of your body.

 

He replied Myungsoo’s voice in his head and waited patiently, until soft snores were heard from the room Sungjong disappeared in.

 

How wonderful, everything is going by plan. That guy is certainly a good addition to my collection.

 

He tiptoed into the room, eyes trained onto the figure curled into a fetal position on the bed.

 

L!

 

He stared at Sungjong’s long limbs, moving slightly once in awhile in his sleep.

 

L! Stop whatever you’re doing now!

 

He raised an eyebrow, before walking calmly to the kitchen, before pulling a screwdriver from the top drawer.

 

No!

 

L chuckled at all the screaming Myungsoo was doing in his head, before quickening his steps back into Sungjong’s room. He raised the screwdriver up above his head, getting ready to plunge it into Sungjong’s head.

 

You’ll die too! If you kill him…

 

His hands froze in mid-air, as he felt his head throbbing uncomfortably.

 

You were created, with the help of him. Don’t you get it? He only wants the best for us, because we are one person!

 

The screwdriver fell from his hand, landing onto the bed, the tip missing Sungjong’s torso by barely an inch. He stirred a little, but thankfully did not wake up.

 

If not for him, I would have been dead by now, and you wouldn’t even have existed!

 

L frowned, before running out of Sungjong’s house, clutching at his hair in a desperate attempt to mute out Myungsoo’s voice which was reverberating within his head.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Ten years ago…

 

“It burns! Don’t touch me…” Myungsoo cried, his tears streaming down his face endlessly, eventually landing on the gravel ground as he sat at the curb at the roadside. “I’m so scared Sungjong, I don’t want to go to school anymore…”

 

“Myungsoo relax… everything is fine, I’m around, Mr Kim can’t do anything to you with me around…”

 

“No! Seeing him makes me scared… I’m afraid…”

 

“Myungsoo, you are my strong friend, you can’t break like this…”

 

“I can’t help it. It hurts…”

 

Sungjong sighed deeply. The scene would have been rather funny if not for the situation, especially since both of them were barely the age of eight. “Myungsoo, I read somewhere that you can actually pretend that you’re another person whenever you are afraid. I don’t know how well it works, but maybe after doing that you won’t be afraid of Mr Kim anymore.”

 

Myungsoo wiped his tears off his face with his palms before looking at Sungjong seriously. “Really? He wouldn’t touch me in weird places if I become a different person in front of him? I won’t be scared of him anymore?”

 

Sungjong nodded. “And you can give him a name too, something that make you feel strong and unafraid.” He was relieved with the way Myungsoo cheered up slightly, as he squatted down opposite him. “So don’t cry anymore, alright?”

 

Myungsoo nodded. “Can you think of a good name? Or can I just use a name that I like?”

 

“Anything that works.” Sungjong flashed a mega-watt encouraging smile at Myungsoo, who returned it apprehensively.

 

“What about L?”

 

“Sure! Nice to meet you, L.”