I’m such an IDIOT!

Scrubbing the caking of BB cream, primers, shadows, and whatever else Nurse Bom smothered on my face off I did all I could to catch my breath; my heart raced in my chest causing my arms and legs to shake with nerves. “This can’t be happening. It just can’t be,” I whispered to my reflection in disbelief, the state of my face now a dripping mess of makeup and liner running along my cheeks and chin. How had I gotten here, how could I have allowed myself to be taken up with such a stupid idea, and over a vice. No that didn’t sound like me at all, and yet as I tightened the sheet around my form I knew very much that it was me.

Earlier that day

Dr.Lacava had been in overdrive lately, perhaps upset that his subjects were taking so long to recover, he had toughened up the program to include twice daily group discussion, several partner activities to complete in a week, and, my personal favorite change..not, forcing us to endure meditated quiet hour in which we sat in our rooms and spent an hour listening to Dr.Lacava drone on and on about the healthy self. I had endured it for as long as a month before I spoke with Daesung who, in all his brilliance, had learned that by placing my pillow against the speakers and wrapped my blanket around the whole radio, the sound was practically gone.  So long as Nurse Bom the radio and heard us listen to it for a couple of minutes she would leave and expect that we’d listen to the whole thing, a poor move on her part if I may say.

We had been sitting in our first group discussion of the day, prattling away about the inner feeling of anger, when a knock startled us to attention. Looking over my chair I noticed Nurse Bom walk in followed by a thin blond haired lady, her face a pale high cheeked structure with curves and lines that resembled what I assumed to be european beauty; and beautiful she was. Quirking a brow I wondered if she would be joining us from now on, she didn’t seem like a woman that had any real problems, but then again the skin was only surface deep. Real scars are buried deep inside the soul oozing with red hot venom. Giving her a once over I noted the white nightie she was wearing, her loose pants practically falling off her hips as she gave a tender smile to the room. A gesture not gone unnoticed by the other men looking at her as if she were some kind of goddess. 

“Mr. Kwon it’s time for your test,” Nurse Bom gave him a nod while the blond haired woman reached a hand out for Jiyong. Turning my head to look at him I scrunched my face in confusion. What kind of test required a woman to be apart of it, I had never heard Jiyong talk about a blond lady in his life. Did he know her? Was she the reason he was in here?

Why do I care so much?

I frowned, feeling my heart clench in my chest when Jiyong grabbed the girls hand, giving her one of his suggestive smiles while he kissed her hand before disappearing from the room. Sitting back in my chair I did my best to focus on the discussion, trying to contribute little things here and there but my mind was elsewhere, filled with questions that I wanted answered, needed answered. After group I headed to the kitchen grabbing for some rice and kimchi I contemplated the feeling rolling around inside of me. What was this new sensation? Why had it bothered showing up at such an inconvenient time?  I was mid bite of a large spoonful of rice when it occurred to me that I might be jealous.

What! Impossible. Why on earth would I be jealous. Of Jiyong no way.

That guy was one of the five constant stresses in my life, and the very last person I wanted to be alone with.

Well second to last, but still at the bottom!

I tried to convince myself that I was just feeling nervous about what would happen after the test. Jiyong might return the same as all the others had, defeated and feeling worthless. I had managed to help them all one way or another, except Youngbae, he was the type that just wanted to suffer alone, but Jiyong I’d never seen take a test before, he had never been given one much like I hadn’t been given one; so I had no idea what he would come back like. Sad? Mad? That’s what it must be. This new feeling has to be that.

Right?

Shaking my head I tried to ignore the little voice inside me and instead moved to sit with the guys in the lounge. The lounge was a nicely furnished room, the only one in which the walls were painted a normal shade of lilac and looked as though it was done by a modern designer. Dr. Lacava had spent a good deal on this room, equipping it with a flat screen tv, several different game consoles, a bookshelf, some board games, and a nicely sized pool table. Youngbae and Seungri were in a middle of a pool match, Youngbae seeming to be in the lead judging by Seungri’s face, while Daesung sat on the floor watching some drama I couldn’t identify. Moving to sit next to Seunghyun I found the tall man took up most of the couch; his legs stretched along the cushions as he read a black binded book peacefully. Clearing my throat I waited until he gave me a lazy look before speaking.

“Can I sit here please,” jestering to the cushion that his feet rested on. Seunghyun gave a nod patting his lap motioning for me to join him.

“I’ll read to you,” he grinned. Glaring at the man I slapped at his feet earning a chuckle from him as he sat up freeing the cushion. Plopping down I gave a heavy sigh and pretended to watch tv with Daesung, though what was actually happening I hadn’t a clue.

“name what’s wrong?” Daesung asked, craning his neck around to look at me while still keeping track of what was happening on the scene.

“ Nothing Dae I’m fine,” I smiled a small laugh coming from me. Daesung in all my sorrows always knew how to make me laugh. The way he approached things was just light and no matter how mad I was, or frustrated, he always knew what to say and how to say it.

“Like anyone would believe that lie,” Seungri said slamming his pool stick against one of the stripe colored balls watching in anticipation only to curse when he missed the hole entirely.

“Yay, Seungri there’s a lady present watch your mouth,” Youngbae warned him, moving around the table examining his next shot.

“Hyung there’s no lady here, just an annoyance,” Seungri urged throwing a glare my way which I mirrored back to him.

“V,” Seunghyun said barely above a whisper, not even bothering to look up from his book as he warned Seungri. Giving him a satisfied smile Seungri wrinkled his nose the sides of his mouth shaking as he snarled at me.

“I’m just saying that she’s lying. We all know she is,”

“I am not,” I defended.

“You are,” Seunghyun said, flipping to another page continuing his reading.

Who does he think he is? Acting all cool.

Just when I was going to defend myself against Seunghyun the door to the lounge swung wide open revealing a very pleased, very confident Jiyong standing in the doorway. I watched in shock as he sauntered over to Youngbae laying his arm against his best friend laughing to himself as Youngbae shook his head.

“It went well did it. You failed right?” Youngbae stated cracking the eight ball in the slot to win the game, Seungri throwing his stick aside in defeat.

“I wouldn’t count it as a total fail. Sure doesn’t feel that way,” he joked, taking a seat on the edge of the table as he looked at his friend.

“Dr.Lacava isn’t going to be happy,” Youngbae assured him.

“Well it’s his fault anyway, it’s not like I asked him to bring beautiful women in to tempt me,” Jiyong shrugged.

“Does that mean there is going to be another bed out on the lawn again?” Daesung asked. Turning to Jiyong I watched him shrug.

“What does that mean?” I asked confused.

The members quieted at my question, Jiyong looked towards me as though he had only just noticed that I was there. Jiyong frowned at me, his once amused face seemed to be caught in a battle of sadness and anger. Returning the frown I waited for him to answer. Jiyong didn’t say anything instead he patted Youngbae’s back gave Seungri a pat to the face and walked out of the room. I listened to him walk up the stairs until I couldn’t hear him anymore before turning my attention to Daesung. Moving from the couch I planted myself right in front of the man giving him a hard stare I asked him, “what does that mean Dae?” Daesung tried ignoring my gaze moving his face away from mine he looked all about the room. Backing his body away from me I crawled after him until his body was against the couch, Seunghyun laying his hand over Daesung’s chest holding him in place. “Daesung answer me,” I poked at his gut.

“Hey stop that,” he said trying to get away from his Hyung’s grasp.

“Aw come on Daesung please tell me,” I tried acting cute earning a blush from Daesung before frustration kicked in and I grabbed at his hair. “Now Daesung!”

“Ah, alright! You’ve seen all the beds on the lawn right?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, Jiyong, as you might have notice, has a thing for the ladies,”

“That’s an understatement,” I laughed.

“And the ladies like him. So naturally it's easy for him to do pretty much as he pleases,”

“You mean ?”

“No he takes them shopping,” Seungri barked out sarcastically.

“Yay, Seungri why are you like this,” Youngbae demanded fake wrestling with the youngest man.

“Yes,” Daesung said at last, “Well it has gotten to the point where this womanizing has become self destructive. He uses these woman to fill a void he feels, he’s lonely name we all know it even if he doesn’t admit it,” Daesung ran a hand through his hair revealing his saddened eyes to me. Giving him a nod I sat back on my feet, looking to the others that seem to be in agreeance with what Daesung had said.

“So what does the bed have to do with that?”

“Well Dr. Lacava believes that if he shows Jiyong the emptiness in all his flings he will get him to realize that he is only hurting himself,” Youngbae explained crossing his arms he leaned against the pool table. “As you can see it hasn’t really been working,” he finished with a shake of his head.

“So that’s why the beds are there,” Daesung concluded.

“That’s awful there are so many of them, how can that even be? Has he been here that long?”

“No, but he has had that many heart breaks,” Seunghyun co