Just breathe.

I had to remind myself several times of this that morning, it was all about to be over. My dream of ditching this white walled prison was about to be realized, so why was it that I felt hesitant? Since when did my jail cell become my sanctuary? The outside world had seemed so welcoming from my upstairs window, why is it so scary? Dumping out the contents of my duffel bag I repacked, I had lost count of how many times I’d pack this thing, somewhere around ten or twenty sounded right but no matter how many times I did it, it felt sloppy and in need of fixing. I hadn’t seen anyone all morning, when I’d rushed downstairs to have my ritualized chat with Youngbae I found that the older man wasn’t there. There was no toast or juices waiting for me on this morning, no farewell breakfast as I’d been expecting.

Maybe they’re glad to see me go.

Certainly that was true, lying was a game that everyone played and who’s to say the guys weren’t really good at it. Maybe all this time I had been apart of an elaborate lie to make me feel more welcomed, or maybe it was so I would become the house toy. I brushed the negativity aside, I couldn’t think like that anymore. I was supposed to be leaving this place because I had improved enough to handle my inner demons. Dr. Lacava saw a promise in my future that the man hadn’t seen in over three years of therapy, there was no way I would ruin that confidence now. Grabbing for my worn pair of denim jeans I smiled at the rip in the knee. When it had happened I was more than just a little pissed at Seungri, we had been roughing around, as was usual for us, and he had managed to trip me just in time to snag my pant leg on the side of the shed. I grumbled and complained about how expensive they were, and how I wouldn’t be able to replace them for who knew how long. Seungri didn’t seem to pay me too much attention, but when he turned around to defend himself Jiyong was the voice I’d heard.

“Damn Seungri! Look what you did?”

“I did! She's the cluts not me,” he waved me off.

“You pushed me.”

“Prove it,” he came closer to my face, his dark eyes glittering with ideas of challenge, the old me might have backed down but not now. Now I was different, matching his gaze I spoke softly with a smirk.

“You asked for it.”

“I think they look better that way,” Jiyong ran a careless hand through his bright hair. He was lounged out along the porch bench enjoying the sunshine on a cool fall afternoon.

“What do you mean better? There’s a huge gash in my knee,” I pointed to the mentioned tear and he only smiled nodding his head.

“It adds a sense of edge to your otherwise boring look,” he grinned at my frown.

“See I was helping,” Seungri mocked, earning a punch to the arm.

“Fashionable or not, you owe me money,” I huffed at him, earning a laugh from the man hooking his arm over my shoulders.

“If it’s money you want, its money I’ve got.”

I tucked the item away grabbing for another and another until my clothes were neatly packed in the small duffel. The sight of my duffel bag made it hard to ignore the truth, I was leaving this place. Hopefully for good, but more importantly I was leaving behind the comfort of the facility. Sure the building was restrictive and you felt like a child stuck in a play pen, but in all the time I spent here I never once felt like an outsider. Miserable, angry, emotional these were feelings I’d had here, but I never felt as though I wasn’t good enough to be there. In a sick way that made the time more bearable. I finally fit in with people, crazy and erted as they might be the guys made me feel welcomed. Zipping the silver zipper I counted the sound of my heart, I wasn't prepared for the rapid banging ringing in my ears. 

I'm not ready

I could feel the panic start to eat away at the protective barrier I'd built up, and soon all I could do was breathe heavily gripping at my chest. My vision threatened to become blurry and just when I thought I would collapse from the lack of oxygen I noticed his familiar hand reach for the tattered strap of my duffel bag. "How are you always just in time?" 

"I'm good at rescuing. It's sort of a hobby of mine," Daesung grinned, resting the bag over his shoulder he offered his arm to me. Gladly accepting it, we made our way down the hallway. Daesung and I had done this walk many times, chatting about random problems or joking badly, this time it somehow felt different. As though he was releasing me from a dark cage I'd been trapped