“Stop pushing will you?!” Cindy shrieked.

You giggled, enjoying the fact that you were able to snag a good seat while your best friend was forced to sit next to the screaming fan girls. You were currently at one of Jongin’s many dance rehearsals and Cindy decided to tag along. The dance team which consisted of: your boyfriend, Yixing, Taemin, and Jonghyun were in the midst of practicing the routine that they had planned to present at the annual Talent showcase. This was an event that was held by the university and many students were encouraged to participate. Since it was known that there would be talent scouts present, most students began practicing months before. Although the show wasn’t for a while, there was a mini-showcase in a week and you had promised Jongin you would be there. Of course you would be, there was nothing you loved more than watching him dance.

“I wish my boyfriend was a hot dancer.” Cindy sighed.

“YAH! I’m sitting right here!” Chanyeol yelled. His big monkey-like ears reddening with anger. She continued her long groan, secretly smiling at how her boyfriend was shooting daggers at Jongin.

“Are you guys fighting again?” you rolled your eyes. They fought a lot, though it was mostly about trivial things such as; Chanyeol ordering pizza with mushrooms on it, forgetting the fact that she’d rather eat dirt than touch a mushroom. Or fighting over whose turn it is to do the laundry or go to the grocery. It hadn’t been a month since they had moved in together and they were already fighting like a wrinkly old couple.

“Not fighting, quarreling.” He said, raising his finger.

“Seriously, I can’t believe you said Yoona from SNSD is prettier than I am!” she huffed, crossing her arms. **Breaking the fourth wall like no tomorrow, sorry I had to do it >.<**

“I didn’t say she was prettier, I said she was as pretty!” he threw his hands up in the air.

“Well then go date her, leave me alone.” She pouted. He reached over and tried to kiss her but soon realized it wasn’t a good idea as his face now had a slap imprint.

You rolled your eyes and focused your attention back to Jongin. He was dancing to ‘Danger’ by Bangtan and you couldn’t keep your eyes off of him. He really looked like a different person when he danced; every move of his was intentionally articulated to make the hearts of girls flutter. He wasn’t meaning to have that effect, he was just an amazing dancer. Or so you thought.

“KAI!  KAI!” The fan girls chanted. He glanced over at them and smirked, pushing his sweaty hair back and moving his hips in a way you thought should be illegal.

Maybe he really was trying to make their hearts flutter.

He glanced at you and bit his lower lip, enjoying the reaction that followed. You glanced down at your feet, trying to veil your crazy heart that was about to jump out of your chest any minute now. He chuckled and adjusted his snapback while walking over to his water bottle. He took a sip while the screams from the fan girls continued, although there weren’t many of them you were surprised at how loud it had gotten. He drank most of the water and poured the remaining bit on his face, smiling like a fool at the thought of you gazing at him. And sure enough, your eyes were glued to that idiot. It was obvious that he was teasing you, he had done it many times before and you should’ve been immune to it by now. But of course every time you thought you were, he would do something that would once again crumble your resolve.

Once the boys had finished the rehearsal, the audience had been asked to clear out. As you made your way out of the studio you felt someone grab onto your wrist and pull you into one of the storage rooms. It wasn’t difficult to guess who it could be.

“Did you like the rehearsal?” he smiled, resting his hand on the wall next to you.

“Mmm.” You hummed, looking everywhere but at him in order to avoid his piercing gaze.

He chuckled and placed a finger under your chin; shifting your face to meet his. “How was the routine?”

“Good.”

“Just good?”

“It would’ve been better if you weren’t trying to seduce those girls.” You said under your breath.

“What?” he questioned. “Did you say seduce?” a smirk formed on his lips.

“No? Did I? Hmm strange.”

He laughed and tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, admiring the pleasant scent that had reached him. He then leaned in and pressed his lips to your cheek, giving you a warm but much needed kiss. He was obviously still in ‘Kai mode’ which meant your nerves were at their peak. “Maybe… I was trying to seduce you?” he whispered, his warm breath tickling your ear. He was, well not literally. He had wanted to impress you, to make your heart pound with his every move. Little did he know, you were already far past that stage.

Your insides felt like they were on fire, Jongin had definitely gotten a lot more courageous over the years. Back in middle school he used to flush like an idiot every time your hands accidently brushed up against his. And now, you were the one blushing.

“Careful, someone might mistake you for a tomato.” He chuckled, pulling on your heated cheeks.

“Careful, someone might mistake you for road kill.” You spat, stomping on his foot. He laughed and you noticed how it echoed through the room.

“Yah! We still have to clean up! Can you stop trying to kiss her every chance you get?” Yixing groaned from the other side of the door.

You glanced at Jongin and he raised a brow. “We’re doing nothing of the sort!” you retorted, embarrassed at the accusation.

Jongin took a step forward and placed his other hand on the wall next to you. “Although that doesn’t sound like a bad idea, yeoja-chingu.” He smiled, locking his gaze on your lips. He leaned in and just as his lips were about to brush yours, you placed your hand over his mouth.

“Behave.” you said, trying to keep a straight face. But in reality your heart was pounding to the point where it was almost excruciating.

His eyes lit up and he kissed your palm, inciting the butterflies in your stomach to no end. “Don’t forget about the concert. I hope you’ll be there.”

You smiled and pulled on his ear until the blonde boy attacked your sides with his tickles.

I will.

It was strange, the feeling of being in love that is. If someone had asked you to describe it, you weren’t sure if you would be able to give them an accurate description. It was like watching the rain fall in late August, admiring the pitter patter as it washed away the warmth of the summer. Or maybe it was like discovering a tropical rain forest in a town that knows nothing but the cold touch of winter. When you first notice the forest, you’re hesitant. You’re afraid of what may linger in the dark of the night. But as you make your way deeper through the luscious green trees, you begin to observe the darkness fade into light. The forest is made up of dreams and it has everything you find beautiful. Although the journey is rough, the end result is all worth it. The trees open up into a magnificent waterfall, the colors of the rainbow sparkling in the water.

It still flustered you when you thought about it, but the truth was difficult to deny; Jongin was your utopia.

✥✥✥✥

You picked up the brush and gently glided it along your cheek bones, satisfied with the rosy tint that it left behind. Today was the day of the concert and you couldn’t contain the excitement that was building up inside you. It was the first real time you were going to an event as Jongin’s girlfriend. Soon you would see your boyfriend on stage, doing what he loved to do. Later, you would meet his friends at the after-party and he would introduce you as his girlfriend, his girlfriend, only his. Was it lame that you had been waiting for this moment ever since you began dating a month ago? Yeah it was lame, but at the same time it felt right. Truthfully, you wanted others to know that Jongin was yours, only yours. It was difficult being in a relationship with somebody who was so popular. Everyone at Royal Oaks knew of him; he was talented, handsome, and loveable. The prince charming of every girl and the enviable opponent of every male. And you? Well you weren’t anything special. You had an ordinary face, ordinary body, and ordinary personality. Sure you had a strong mind, but nowadays everyone did. It had always been like that. Jongin was the one everybody wanted to be friends with.

During your younger days people always wondered why the hot exchange student suddenly began to talk to you, infact you were wondering that yourself. After that day at the park, Jongin was always somehow beside you. Whether it was in the classroom or in the cafeteria, he would soon appear and sit down next to you like it was no big deal. But, it was a big deal; it was a huge deal for the popular kid to sit next to the poor helpless loser. He didn’t care though, it actually seemed like he had no idea. And soon, the whispers and giggles faded away, people lost interest. And what was left? Just you and him, friends for what you hoped was a lifetime.

But soon you began wishing for more, your heart shamelessly knocked down all the hurdles you had set up. Every smile, every laugh, every accidental hand brush accumulated inside your heart to the point of detonation. You liked Jongin, you really liked him. How could you not? He had made it impossible for you to look away every time he spoke, to ignore any message of his that came your way. He was dangerous, so utterly and profusely dangerous. But you couldn’t turn away. No no, it was far too late for that.

As you finished the last of your makeup, you glanced at your phone. Still nothing from Sehun. It had been weeks since you had last spoken to him and you weren’t sure how to approach it. That night he was slightly drunk and you were stressed like hell from your workload. Neither of you were in the right state of mind.

It’s all his fault.

You had told him not to come over, you weren’t ready to speak with him yet but Sehun wasn’t the type of boy to give up. Every word of yours was like a challenge to him, and perhaps he had taken it too far. But perhaps you had overreacted, he was your best friend of course he would try to make things right if they weren’t.

No, it’s my fault too.

You two had been friends for a long time. He would never intentionally do something to break your heart; he just wasn’t that kind of person. He was happy with your happiness, he had said so himself. So why hadn’t he called? This wasn’t like him. There had been a fair share of squabbles in the past but he would always turn up a few days later with a smile.

Maybe this time he wanted you to apologize? To show him that he wasn’t the only contender in this strange relationship you two had built. Well, you weren’t one to back down either. It was time, time to make things right with your best friend. Although you now had Jongin by your side, there was no possible way you could disregard Sehun like that. His long time feelings for you were evident, but he was your best friend for crying out loud!

You scrolled through your list of contacts and stopped at his name.

‘Sehunnie’.

 You let out a small tearful giggle, you really did miss him. Why did it take you so long to realize this?

‘This number is no longer in service’

Huh.

You bit down on your lip and dialed again, surely he hadn’t changed his number without telling you, right?

‘Please try again later’

“Try again later!? How can I try again later if his number isn’t even in service anymore!” you spat, cursing at the automated voice.

Fine Oh Sehun, you want to play it this way do you? You scrolled through the list again, only stopping when you spotted the familiar contact.

"Cind! Why is Sehun's number no longer in service? Did he get a new phone?" you asked, slightly hurt by the fact that he hadn’t thought to call you and tell you about it.

“It’s probably because he doesn't want to talk to anybody." She replied, the heaviness in her tone surprising you.

"Why is that?"

"Huh?"

"I asked why that is? Did he lose another thumb wrestling match with Chanyeol?" you giggled, remembering how the two boys often squared off against each other when playing the stupid game.

"You... don’t know?" she questioned, the awe in her voice catching your attention.

"Don’t know what..."

She didn’t reply. She just sat there holding the phone against her ear. For a second you thought she had ended the call, but when you heard her quiet breath you realized she just didn’t want to say what she was about to say.

You swallowed, fear building up in your chest.

"What is it Cindy… you're scaring me." you finally spoke.

"His…”

“His Hyung passed away a few days ago.”

"Wha-What?..." you croaked.

You heard Cindy sigh on the other line. "You didn't know. Did you.” she frowned.

"I… didn’t."

"I thought you'd be the first one to know."

Yeah. Me too.

“How did it happen?” You asked, your hands trembling with every word.

“He overdosed. They found him lying face down in an alley, he was covered in his own vomit.” She managed to say in intervals of shaky breaths.

“Dear god.”

“There’s something else.” She said. “He left a note for Sehun.”

“What did it say?”

She sighed and wiped away a small tear that had formed at the corner of her eyes. “I’m not sure. All I know is that once Sehun saw it, he vanished. None of us have been able to get into contact with him since. He’s shut himself away from the world. From us.”

“He doesn’t even want to see me.” you heard Chanyeol say in the background. His usual happy tone had been replaced with a low hum of despair. He was upset with himself, his friend was going through hell and he couldn’t do a thing about it. He didn’t even know where the kid had gone to, all he knew was that he was suffering. Alone.

All this had happened and Sehun didn't even think to call. Had your friendship really grown that frail?

No matter what, you had to find him. He wasn’t going to disappear from your life that easily. No matter how much he wanted to.

You gathered your hair into a ponytail. Sabotaging the elegant curls you had worked so hard to style. You slipped an oversized hoodie over your dress and ran towards the door. Though you stopped when you were suddenly reminded of the promise you had made to a certain someone.

You sighed and pulled out your phone.

……………………………………………………….

[My idiot] – 6:00PM June 30^th, 2015

I won’t be able to make it tonight. I’m sorry.

You will do great ♡

 I love you.

………………………………………………………..

I’m sorry.

✥✥✥✥

After running all around Royal Oaks you stopped by the staircase to take a breath. He usually hung around the café on Tuesdays but today, he was nowhere to be found. All of a sudden you thought of something.

“Have you seen him?” you asked.

The group of men glanced at each other, wondering if either of them had seen the boy you were searching for. “We haven’t.”

You sighed and shut your eyes tightly. You were sure one of his business classmates would have an idea about his location since he was always around them, but you were wrong again. You straightened yourself and took a deep breath. Considering his personality if he’d wanted to hide himself from the world, he’d surely go somewhere people would least expect him to be... his apartment?

He was rarely ever home to begin with. It was obvious that nobody would suspect him to be there. Why hadn’t you thought of it before?

After a quick bus ride you were in front of his door. You knocked quietly and brought your hands back to your side, waiting patiently.

“Sehun?”

There was no response, not even a stir.

You grew bold enough to turn the handle and much to your surprise, his door wasn’t locked. Hesitantly you stepped into his apartment, noticing how dark he kept the place. The only light in the room was emanating from the living area which seemed to be drowning in beer bottles and half eaten take-out. As you walked farther into the room, you caught sight of a figure lying face down on the floor. It took a few seconds to register in your mind that the figure was Sehun and that he was unconscious.

“SEHUN-AH!” you screamed, fear enveloping your senses in the most horrendous way.

You ran to his side and dropped down to your knees while furiously checking his body for injuries. There was a small pool of blood surrounding him and you suddenly lost your ability to breathe. “Oh god, oh god, oh god.” Tears began flooding your eyes, what had he done to himself. This was your fault, this was all your ing fault. If only you had checked up on him, messaged him, sent him an email for s sake anything! He wouldn’t be like this, he wouldn’t be hurting like this. But it was too late, the past was unalterable and the damage was done. A quiet sob left your throat as you turned his body around. His bottom lip was swollen and purple, the blood now dry against the flesh. His knuckles were bruised and battered, like he had punched something with all his force. His face so pale and his skin so cold, you felt your heart stop as the realization hit you.

No, it can’t be.

There’s no way he’s… No, no think logically. Check his pulse… yes check his pulse.

With wobbly hands you placed two fingers at the side of his neck. Your eyes widened as you fell back on your heels, your breath still stuck in your throat. Without another thought you gently lifted his head and let it rest on your lap. His sweaty hair was sticking to his forehead and you brushed away the strands. Before you knew it, a tear had slipped past your eyelashes and on to his cheek.

“Sehunnie.” You sobbed, leaning in to rest your cheek against his forehead.”I’m so sorry.” You cried, sobbing hard and fast. The tears stung your eyes as the pain in your chest grew. Your tears were unstoppable; they rained down on his face like a hurricane destroying everything in its path. This entire time he was carrying this burden upon himself, alone and hidden from the world. Sehun had been hurt enough in the past, everybody he knew and loved had left him. All he had left was his Omma and Hyung. One of which was now gone. Were you the cause of this? All he had asked of you was to remain by his side and you couldn’t even get past your own selfish needs to grant him that. Because of your stubbornness, you hadn’t thought of calling him for an entire month. And he, well he was too afraid you would want nothing to do with him after his behavior.  

“… You came.”

The weak voice spoke. Your sobs slowed and your heart rate increased. He was conscious, your best friend was conscious. Although moments ago you had infact felt his pulse, your mind had convinced you that it was an illusion. But once his sweet voice rang through your ears, you were sure. It was real, he was real.

“Se-Sehun.”

“I can’t rest when you’re crying so loud like that.” He said, weakly dabbing his hand on his cheeks that had become damp from your tears.

“Le-Let’s get you up.” You sniffed, the words getting caught in your dry throat. You placed a hand at his back and lifted his torso up, a groan left his lips and his face scrunched up in pain. How long had he been lying on this cold floor? You guessed a while.

“Careful.” you brought his arm around your neck and managed to hoist him up and move him over to the sofa. He sunk down on the cushions and let his head fall back into the soft material.  You then disappeared into his room, desperately looking for the first aid kit. Sehun preferred to keep things clean so it wasn’t long before you returned with the medicines and water. You sat down on the ground in front of him and pulled out the antibacterial spray and ointment. He watched as you cleaned the blood off his hands and applied spray on them. He winced as the chemical seeped into his skin, stinging the damaged flesh.  After you were done with his hands, you stood up and sat next to him on the couch, reaching over to dab at the bruised skin on his lip. He noticed the sadness in your eyes as you cleaned his wound.

“I got into a bar fight.” He explained. “I won though.” He chuckled, though it was quiet and seemed to strain him. You didn’t look up when you heard his words as your attention was focused solely on his discolored skin. If you looked at him now you were sure you’d break down again, and right now you had more important matters to tend to.

After he was all cleaned and bandaged, you fed him the pain killers and water. You then got up and headed for his bedroom with the intention of grabbing him some blankets. But you were stopped.

“Don’t go.” He said, his fingers wrapping around your wrist. You shut your eyes briefly then eased your hand out of his hold, making your way to his room once again.

You covered him with the blankets and began to clean up the area around his living room.

“You’re mad at me aren’t you? I’m alright see?” he assured, the tone of his voice indicating otherwise. Sehun was not one to express his feelings, he was sensitive sure. Hell, he was a walking talking ball of emotions. Nonetheless when he was miserable he would often put up a façade in order to make it seem like he was just fine. But he wasn’t fine, and you could see straight through his act. After what felt like hours you had finally seemed to clean the place up a bit. There were no more excuses left in order to avoid speaking with him, so you eventually ended up beside him on the sofa. From the corner of your eye you could see that he was staring at you, waiting for you to speak.

 But, you didn’t.

So he didn’t.

The two of you remained that way for several minutes, feeling each other’s quiet breaths and noisy thoughts. Soon you finally broke the silence.

“Don’t ever do that again.”

His body jerked at your words and he looked over at you, your gaze was still facing north and you didn’t dare turn his way. Just as he was about to ask ‘Do what?’ you interrupted him.

“How selfish are you?” you spoke, feeling somewhat like a hypocrite.

He furrowed his brows in confusion and glanced down, then back up again. His mouth opening and closing, unsure of whether it should take its turn or let you continue.

“How could you do something so reckless and not for a second think of the ones who love you and are worried about you. Chanyeol, Cindy, your Omma all love you. I… love you. But you couldn’t care less, could you.”

Sehun swallowed. He was trying to interpret your words without misunderstanding them, though it was difficult considering those three words had stopped his breath momentarily. He wanted to reach over and hug you, to tell you that he was fine. Broken but still alive. But he couldn’t, it was a lie that he just wasn’t ready to tell yet. The sensation in his heart had been troubling him for some time and he wasn’t sure how to suppress it. Sehun never cried, never. He preferred channeling his emotions through other means such as fighting randoms at the bar. He appreciated the taste of tangibility; it was the best way to release his inner demons. But it wasn’t the most efficient method and although it temporarily did the job, in the long term it did nothing for his pitiful soul.

“I feel so alone. So lonely.” He said, the words parting his lips without permission.

That earned him a glance from you, the first glance after two full hours of avoiding his gaze. You shifted your body over so that you were now shoulder to shoulder with him. “Don’t. I’m here. I’m here now.” you said, the bitter taste of regret lingering on your tongue. Sehun dropped his head on your shoulder and shut his eyes, feeling comforted by your scent. “It’s okay to cry sometimes Sehunnie, its okay.” You breathed, feeling your own voice lose its composure. Sehun wanted to cry but he didn’t know how.  When he heard your silent sniffles, a strange stinging feeling was felt in his eyes. It was sort of painful, but at the same time it was relieving.

Once you heard his deep and heavy sob, you lost control of your body. He shifted on the sofa and rested his weary head on your chest, the sobs uncontrollable and painful against his throat. You wrapped your arms around his body and enclosed him in your embrace, feeling the heaviness against your own chest.

That night Sehun cried, and you were the first to witness it. His body so vulnerable, he was like a small child in your arms. A child who had lost his everything.

And he had lost everything. His Hyung was his everything. But now he was gone and nothing could change that. As he lay in your arms that night, slowly drifting away towards the land of dreams, he thought about what life would be like without you.

It was just a thought, yet it destroyed him inside. It was something that the pungent taste of alcohol and battered distended body parts could never wash away. It scared him, the thought of your non existence. And soon he gave into the sweet melody of respite, abandoning his difficulties and anguish. Even if it only was for a short while, there was no other place he’d rather be.

You felt your own wariness cautiously approach you, reminding you of its presence every so often. Sehun was asleep in your arms and you leaned in to press a kiss to his temple.  The thought of losing him brought hot tears to your tired eyes and you let them fall.  You were wrong yet again; your friendship hadn’t grown weak. It never would, you wouldn’t let it. 

From now on you would always be here to catch him if he falls.

Much like he had always done for you.

A/N:

Our favorite maknae recently said in an interview that he feels lonely. Sometimes when we’re so immersed in our busy lives, we often take our loved ones for granted. Then when they’re far away from us we begin to realize how much they really mean to us. Just like Sehun, we’ve all felt lonely and alone at some point. But we shouldn’t forget about the people who truly love us and care for us. He has his Hyungs and family members that will always love and care for him. So next time you feel sad, just think about all those who care so much for you.

This chapter was quite triggering which is why I flagged it as mature! I hope it wasn’t too boring! I’m about to begin my midterms soon but so far everything is going well! Thank you for all your support ♡

Oh! and kindly upvote if you liked this chapter :)