Ren’s POV

I made my way towards the train station where I purchased a ticket to Busan. When it was time to depart I climbed on board and took a window seat. I plugged my earphones into my phone and started playing music as I waited for the train to take off, quietly slipping off the radar from Jason and everyone else. The reason why I had opted for Busan rather than the exotic China was because I wanted to disappear. I wanted to run away from all my problems and all of Jason’s influence, even if it was only for a little while. At least in Busan I knew I was safe and that no one would be able to find me. Although I had once told Baekho that Busan was my safe place, I much doubted that he would come looking for me, not wanting anything to do with me anymore. I could hardly blame him, but even so, it didn’t make it any less painful.

I stared out the window at the snow that was slowly trickling down from the sky. Juniel’s ‘Pisces’ was playing in my ears. Even though Baekho was part of the reason why I was running away from Seoul, I couldn’t stop thinking about him as the lyrics and Juniel’s soft, soothing voice poured out of my earbuds. I thought about the night he had taken me out to the boat on the ocean to confess. I had been so afraid of accepting his feelings at that moment. I felt like I wasn’t good enough to be with ‘Mr. Kim’ – that, and I was still holding out hope for JR. I had been so blinded at that time. It might have been a slow process, but I had developed feelings for Baekho. I trusted him. With him I felt loved and safe. But after putting together all the pieces that both Minhyun and Minseok had laid out for me and discovering that Baekho couldn’t be who he said he was in addition to finding out who he really was, my heart was suffering. Although I knew he was lying not just to me but the whole world, I wanted to believe in him. The person he had shown me was good, not someone who purposely deceived others. He had to have had a reason for doing what he did.

I thought back to the Christmas Eve when I had spent the night in Baekho’s arms. They were warm. They were comforting. I had felt… wanted. Suddenly my thoughts traveled back towards the last night I had spent with JR. My heart dully ached. It had been my birthday. Wait – why was I suddenly thinking about this? Oh… that’s right. It had been the last night I somehow managed to feel both wanted and undesirable at the same time when JR and I had passionately made out on my couch before he ran and left me. And then that’s when Baekho stepped up, almost as if to try and take his place. I was sure that wasn’t Baekho’s obvious intention, but that’s when I suddenly started picking up on the hints he was dropping. I was just too busy hurting over JR to really give it any thought. And now that I had, the news of the accident occurred right when I was about to prepare myself to go to him. Why…? Why did this happen? It all seemed to hit at once. First Baekho was the son of the couple killed in the accident, next he wasn’t Mr. Kim, then Baekho went on TV and announced a secret apprentice, and lastly now he was avoiding me.

Baekho… was this fate’s way of telling us that we’re not supposed to be together at all…?

I clenched my fists and shifted my gaze down into my lap. I didn’t want to accept this though. I liked Baekho. I wanted to be with him – I was sure of it. Before the dinner after the show I was going to pull him to the side and accept his feelings. If only I hadn’t of been late. No, I knew that wasn’t right. Once he met my brother all of us were bound to find out sooner or later. What happened was unavoidable. But… could any of this be taken back or overlooked? Could Baekho accept me being the one in the opposite car involved in the crash? My body felt numb as I imagined the worst, having to go the rest of my life with Baekho ignoring or hating me. I suddenly paused. What about myself? Could I put this news aside and still love Baekho the same, or would it hold me back? I didn’t trust myself. My hands started trembling. This wasn’t supposed to happen. The two of us were supposed to be happy, not… this. I brought my shaking hands up and covered my face. What was I supposed to do now?

JR, this is all your fault.

My chest started to grow tighter as I thought of him again. If JR hadn’t of run out that night, the two of us would have been together, I just knew it. Then I would have never gotten as close to Baekho as I was now – I wouldn’t have allowed myself to. I would have never found out this horrible truth between me and him or at least if we did, it wouldn’t have hurt so much. But JR did run away. I did grow close to Baekho and even started falling for him. But… why does my heart still hurt so much whenever I think about JR? Why did I constantly wonder where he was or what he was doing and why in difficult situations would I try to imagine how he might respond? I couldn’t still love JR. It was either one or the other – I couldn’t love both. But yet… why did it feel like I did? Was I just that confused? Was I just that hopeless? Baekho and JR both started out as my friends. Maybe that was why I felt so attached to the two of them. It still didn’t make sense though. Romantic love and love from friendship were two different things. I removed my hands from my face and stared out the window after the train had started moving. I had to ask myself a difficult question that was hard to answer: which love was it that I felt for Baekho? I tightly pursed my lips together. I would have to think about it some more. Luckily I had several hours of sitting in the train to ponder and think about the answer to myself.

 

 

By the time I had arrived in Busan after riding the KTX, it was already late into the night. When I knocked on my grandparents’ front door my grandfather was already in his pajamas. I was met with a strange, confused look when he saw me. It had been years since the last time I had paid them a visit. The last time he had seen me was way back before the accident. It came as no surprise that he didn’t recognize me – I had changed a lot since then. I was taller, thinner, and even had blonde hair now. It took him almost a full minute of staring before a big smile slowly spread across his face and he reached outside and embraced me in a warm hug, taking me by surprise. Lately my world had seemed to come crushing down and narrowing in that I thought I was going to suffocate. It was amazing how much the effect of a simple hug could alleviate some of the stress. I slowly hugged him back, somehow finding myself missing him even more despite the fact that he was right there. My grandfather smiled at me again as he pulled away and took my suitcase from me, rolling it inside the doorway.

“Minseok! My grandson! Come in, come in!” My grandpa insisted, somehow mistaking me for my older brother.

“I’m actually Minki, grandpa…” I awkwardly replied.

“Huh?” He asked, looking confused.

“Dad’s second son.” I replied and watched as he froze for several seconds before a look of recognition lit up on his face.

“Oh! Minki! Is that you? My goodness, it’s been a while! Look at you! You’re all grown up now!” He paused again, staring at my hair. He blinked several times to focus his gaze. “Is your hair on fire?”

“No, grandpa. I bleached it.” I had to hide my amusement. My grandfather was from simpler times, it seemed.

“Why?” He asked, not understanding why someone would go through the process of changing the color of their hair.

“I did it for my job.” I simply replied.

“And what’s that?”

“Modeling.”

“Huh… Do you like it?” He suddenly asked, catching me off guard. I stood frozen in place on his porch outside his front door. I forced a smile on my lips.

“I’m not so sure anymore…” I honestly replied. My grandfather waved his hand at me for me to come inside. I awkwardly nodded and politely bowed before entering. I slid out of my shoes and placed them off to the side. As I entered the living room I took a look around. Everything looked the same from when I had last been here, almost as if nothing had ever been touched or moved around. I poked my head to look down the hallway, wondering why my grandmother was yet to come out and greet me. I turned to my grandfather. “Is grandma not home?” He suddenly tensed up.

“Minseok, take a seat.” He darkly replied.

“Actually it’s Minki-”

“Sit, sit.” He ignored and sat me down on the couch in the corner of the living room. Once I was seated he began. “Your grandmother passed several years ago, don’t you remember? It happened about a year after your accident… And I thought my memory was failing me!” He tried to lighten up the depressing atmosphere. My eyes grew wide in shock and my heart ached as I heard about her passing for the first time.

“She… died?” I nearly stuttered. I was so startled that I couldn’t even think straight. He nodded.

“Yes, she went calmly in her sleep. Remember, you even attended the funeral.” He replied. I stared across at him, completely dumbfounded. How could I have attended the funeral of someone whom I didn’t even know was dead? Unless… had Minseok attended? It appeared that my grandfather was still mistaking me for my older brother, despite everything that I had just told him. Due to his old age he must have been experiencing dementia now with his short term memory failing him.

“A-Ah, that’s right.” I replied, playing along with him to see if I could find out more information about Minseok and my grandmother’s funeral and why nobody had ever bothered to tell me about it.

“I’m surprised to see you so soon. I wasn’t expecting you until the weekend, but I’m glad you’re here now.”

“Weekend?” I asked.

“You’ve been delivering my groceries and helping me around the house every weekend since your grandmother’s passing! You really don’t remember?” He suspiciously asked.

“I remember…” I continued, furrowing my brows. Was this true? Did Minseok really travel down to Busan every weekend to help our grandfather out? Why didn’t he tell anyone about this?

“Minki was still in physical therapy and you were going through a tough time. I told you to take care of yourself and your brother first, but you said that coming here helped you relax. How could I stop you then?” My grandfather explained, leaving me speechless. To be honest I still hadn’t known what Minseok had gone through during that time, even after all these years. The other day I had only just now heard his version of the same accident and it was downright terrifying. I had out, but Minseok? He had witnessed the whole thing. I couldn’t even imagine… My grandfather suddenly spoke up again. “How is he now? Your brother?” He asked me. I stared at him with stunned eyes. Silent tears threatened to spill from the corners as it hit me that none of what I had told him had stuck to his memory. I forced a smile on my lips.

“He’s good. I hear he’s a model now.” I said, referring to myself in third person. It was painful to keep this charade up. It felt as if my heart was slowly ripping in half. My grandfather’s face joyously lit up as if this was his first time hearing about me, despite the fact that I had told him this only minutes ago.

“A model! Look at that! He must have gotten those looks from his mother’s side. His father’s pretty ugly.” He joked about his own son. I laughed through my tears.

“Yeah, must be.”

“Are you here to relax again?” He asked me. I stared at him.

“Relax?” I asked in return. Just what did Minseok do here aside from helping our grandfather out? Unless helping him was his form of meditation… My grandfather looked around and spotted my bag which he had left near the front door.

“I don’t see any groceries with you, so I take it you’re here to unwind again. It’s fine! Take all the time you need. I won’t bother you.” He reassured me, patting me on my right shoulder before standing back up. I reached out and grabbed onto the hem of his shirt like I child before he could walk away, making him stop in his tracks. As soon as he turned back around to face me I leaned my forehead against his left hip.

“I’m sorry…” My voice trailed off. My grandfather blinked.

“Sorry for what?” He asked, sounding confused.

“For not visiting sooner… for not knowing that grandma had passed… I’ve been so selfish all these years. I was so busy growing up that I forgot you and grandma were growing older and I missed out on so much… I didn’t know. I would have gone to the funeral if only I had known-” I started talking as myself. I felt so betrayed yet again. It was bad enough that Jason, Baekho, and JR were all lying or keeping secrets from me, but to learn about my own family doing it as well? I never felt so small and insignificant before in my entire life. I felt like I wasn’t worth people’s time or being explained to. My grandfather gave me a strange look.

“What are you talking about? You were there…” That’s right, he still thought he was talking with Minseok…

“I mean Minki… He’s sorry.” I spoke in third person again for his sake. He still believed that I was my brother and now it suddenly donned on me as to why that was. Minseok was around a lot more, or at least long enough to leave a lasting impression on my grandfather’s long term memory. I wasn’t. To my grandfather, I was just another short term memory. He remember ‘Minki,’ however, he didn’t remember who I actually was. My chest tightened with guilt as my grandfather shook his head.

“It’s ok. He was going through enough at that time. Your mother and father and I all agreed that it was best not to tell him. Remember, you were opposed to it but you did as we asked.” He explained. So that was why no one had told me. I thought back to that time. I remembered the thought about dying crossed my mind at least once a day while I was subjected to physical therapy. I thought that if I were to just give up then, nothing else would matter anymore. I wouldn’t feel hurt or pain or anything. I would just disappear into a dark abyss. Those thoughts also scared me. I still had things I wanted to do in life even though at that point I wasn’t sure what much I could do. I had to keep pushing myself forward. Eventually I got here, where I was today. Though I wasn’t sure if ‘here,’ as in my place at JA Style, was where I wanted to be anymore – or even doing modeling, for that instance. But if I had known at that time that my grandmother had passed away, knowing myself well enough, I probably wouldn’t have made it. Learning of her death during that dark time would have been the last blow and bit of encouragement I would have needed to actually die. I suddenly found myself feeling grateful that they had chosen to hide this from me back then.

“You don’t hate me – I mean him, Minki, I mean…?” I asked him.

“Of course not! Why would I hate either of you?”

“So many people hate me right now.”

“They’re a bunch of idiots. Don’t mind them.” My grandfather said as if the thought were blasphemy. I pulled away from him and glanced up at him. “You’re both good kids. Things happen beyond our control – that’s life. You shouldn’t live the rest of your life worrying about trying to please others, nor should you feel guilty or apologetic either. Forever is a long time. That boy from the accident is bound to forgive you and so is Minki. You need to live too.”

I released my grip on the hem of his shirt and stared down into my lap as I thought about my older brother. He had been secretly coming here for years to relax, and during that time he must have told our grandfather everything about how he felt. Minseok knew that he couldn’t talk about it with me – I was always pushing him away, not wanting to think about it. Both mom and dad were busy trying to live their own lives while paying the mountain of debt we had put them in from both of our medical expenses, most particularly mine. Who else did Minseok have to turn to? All this time I had assumed that he just kept everything bottled up. He was good at that. He rarely ever showed any negative emotions. He always wore the same smile on his face. Back then I mistook that smile as him not caring or having been affected deeply enough by the accident as I was. Now I realized that his happy-go-lucky personality was a mask. I found myself being faced by a shocking question: who was my brother really? How much of him was Minseok, the professor, and how much was the mask? How hard had he had it back then and now? And how much was he still suffering? I really had been selfish all these years.

“Go to bed, Minseok. It’s late.” My grandfather replied, pointing to one of the bedrooms down the hall which I assumed my brother usually stayed in when he visited. I nodded then thanked him, watching him enter his own bedroom and shut the door behind him. Once he was gone I went back to the front of the house and rolled my suitcase down the hall with me until I reached the empty bedroom where I stepped inside and closed the door behind me. I took a look around the barely furnished room. There was a wardrobe case in the corner and a desk beside it. On the far left corner of the room sat a western style queen sized bed. I placed my suitcase down on top of it and ped it, undressing and climbing into a pair of pajama pants and a long sleeve t-shirt. I sat down in the middle of the bed and stared at the one picture frame hanging on the wall, containing a picture of my brother and I when we were kids. He had his arm wrapped around my shoulders and we were both laughing and smiling into the camera. I frowned. The time that picture had been taken was probably the last the both of us had ever laughed like that together.

I laid down on my side and let my face hit one of the pillows. No wonder why all of these horrible things were happening to me. It was definitely karma. I was never a bad person, but I was never a good person either. I wasn’t perfect and I had a lot of flaws. I supported my friends up until I betrayed them. I was ok with my brother up until whenever he mentioned the accident. I chased away one love interest and lost the other through fate. In other words, I was just a mess. But did I still deserve all of this? Maybe… It seemed like my career wasn’t the only thing I needed to change about myself. I needed to make things right again, not just with one person, but with everyone. Only then could I go on and live with myself. If I didn’t I would go crazy. I needed to feel like I was being productive – I needed something to do. I reached down for my phone and held it up in front of my face as I selected Minhyun’s number. I knew that it was already late, but I also knew that the later it was, the higher the chances were of Jason not being around to eavesdrop. Hopefully Minhyun wasn’t still mad at me, but even if he was, I needed to fix this. I was the only one who could. The phone rang several times before he finally picked up.

“Ren?” Minhyun calmly asked, surprisingly not angry or annoyed at me.

“I’m sorry for calling so late-”

“Better late than never.” Minhyun replied, making me pause.

“Did you speak to Jason?” I hesitantly asked him.

“We did.”

“…And? Did he tell you anything?” I cautiously asked. I was met by a long pause on the other end of the line. I bit my bottom lip until Minhyun finally spoke up once again and finally answered me.

“He came clean and confessed about everything he did to you, Aron, and me.” Minhyun replied, almost as if he had been purposely prolonging my torment. I immediately sat up in the bed. I was too shocked to be upset with him.

“He did?” I asked in disbelief. Jason had caved in that easily? I thought back to the last few times I had seen him. Each time he appeared to be down. Jason must have really been going through something lately that seemed to be softening him up. I wondered what it was…

“I understand now… why you never answered us.”

“Minhyun-”

“It’s not the first time that weasel has tried to pull that stunt. It probably won’t be his last either. Both Aron and I have been subjected to Jason’s scheming in the past before you got here. It’s almost torn us apart a couple of times… Although it doesn’t change what you did and how much you hurt us, at least we can understand your reasoning for it because we’ve both been there before.”

“I’m so sorry, Minhyun.”

“I know and so does Aron.”

I paused. “Are the both of you okay…?” I worriedly asked. They couldn’t have taken the news of being used lightly. Minhyun heavily sighed.

“It’s thanks to Aron that I’m not in jail right now or else I would have successfully strangled Jason. I’m mad and he’s upset, but we’re going to be alright. There’s no other option, right?”

“You mean you didn’t quit?” I asked him.

“Quit?” Minhyun sounded surprised. “Why would we quit? Our time is almost up there anyways, however… we did manage to secure ourselves a safety net for once it is over.” Minhyun replied. I furrowed my brows in confusion.

“A safety net?”

“Reparations for what he did. That was the last straw. Aron and I both threatened to go to the police for blackmail and distortion and we were going to drag you there with us. Although we have our own stories of what kind of mess Jason has tried to pull on us, having a third person there would have sealed his fate. Surprisingly he didn’t put up much of a fight.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, he just sort of sat there and let us scream our heads off at him. He seemed somewhat broken down and defeated… Perhaps it was because you had turned in your resignation?” Minhyun asked me. I frowned.

“I don’t think so. Remember, he was already down when he had first walked into the office this morning… And besides, he didn’t accept it. He won’t terminate my contract and I don’t have the funds right now to break it, so for the time being I’m still a part of JA Style, whether I like it or not.” I depressingly replied. “Instead of letting me quit he sent me on a vacation.”

“I’m not surprised. That sounds like him. So then something else was troubling him?” He asked. I paused.

“I think… it might have had something to do with the articles coming out about Mr. Kim’s secret apprentice around the same time as his fashion collaboration show. I think they might have overshadowed JA Style.”

“Interesting… It very well may have. Mr. Kim didn’t even deny those rumors himself.” Minhyun replied. I shifted my gaze down into my lap when he mentioned that particular name. I wasn’t sure if I should tell him about his original suspicions of Baekho being right all along. Was this something I should talk about or keep my mouth shut? Right now I was probably the only other person aside from Minseok that even remotely knew the truth, and Minseok would never tell. If I told, who knew who else Minhyun and Aron might tell. What if it reached the media? Baekho would be in trouble and suffer all because of me. The last thing I wanted was to cause anymore hurt towards him. I had already done enough damage to his life… Minhyun suddenly spoke up. “So where did Jason send you?” He asked, sensing my depression and trying to change the subject. I forced a smile on my lips.

“China.” I replied, hiding the fact that I was secretly in Busan. I knew that if I mentioned where I really was, they might try to pay me a visit when all I really wanted right now was to clear my head and be alone.

“That must be nice. We should have asked for a vacation too.” Minhyun sighed.

“What did you ask for?”

“He doubled our salaries and is getting us more overseas work, packing the rest of our remaining time at JA Style with schedules. Needless to say if we work hard now, when our contracts expire we can still live lavishly without ever having to work again if we’re smart.”

“That is very smart. I thought you might have opted to lengthen your contracts instead.” I said. Minhyun scoffed.

“And spend more time chained to that bastard? No thanks.” He bitterly replied. “Besides, we know we’re nothing but a couple of old washed up models and our time is up. There’s nothing remotely special about us. We stand out in a normal crowd, but not a crowd of models. We’re nothing like you. But there’s nothing we can really do about that other than to accept it, can we?”

“That’s not true-”

“Ren, it’s okay. Becoming a supermodel isn’t every model’s dream. For some of us, just getting this far is good enough. Sometimes being a Top Model is as good as its going to get. And now that Aron and I have both experienced it, we can let go of this industry without any regrets.” Minhyun said reassuringly.

“But I’m not even sure I want that anymore either…” I replied, upset. Minhyun paused.

“Is this all because of what you did to Aron? Ren, Aron’s fine. It wasn’t really your fault and he realizes that. He’s cooled down. Call him and find out for yourself.” Minhyun tried to persuade me.

“It’s not just that. You said that wasn’t the first time Jason has done something like that. What if he tries to do it again? And what if it’s not just him, but other designers that do that too? Backstabbing and betraying people just to climb all the way to the top… I can’t… I can’t live that way.” I was near tears.

“You’re right.” Minhyun suddenly replied. “Jason’s not the only designer that makes absurd requests from his models. I’ve served plenty of other designers that have asked me to do similar things as well. And like you, I did them. I told you before that becoming a model isn’t all about luxury, fun and games. It’s hard work. Not everyone can do it.”

“I don’t want to do it anymore.”

“Then don’t.” Minhyun bluntly replied. “No one said that’s what you had to do.”

“But what am I supposed to do next? There’s not much I can do-”

“That’s up to you to decide. I can only provide you a listening ear.” Minhyun said, quickly cutting me off. I frowned. I knew he was right. Whatever my next step was, that was all up to me and no one else. Jason wasn’t going to control me anymore, contract or no contract.

“I know…” My voice apologetically trailed off.

“Get some sleep. It’s late. And let us know when you’re back in Seoul, alright?” Minhyun asked, sounding somewhat concerned about me.

“Sure.” I replied then we both said our goodbyes and hung up. After the call had ended my phone returned back to my list of contacts and suddenly displayed a list of frequently called numbers. As my eyes happened to glimpse across at Baekho’s name I quickly looked away, my heart stinging and aching on the inside. I turned my phone off and laid it down beside me on the bed before I rolled onto my side and turned my back to it, forcefully shutting my eyes and waiting for sleep to take me. Baekho, why haven’t you contacted me back yet…?

 

 

The next afternoon I joined my grandfather for his daily walk around the park. Despite the weather still being fairly cold with snow still sticking to the ground he didn’t let it stop him from doing what he enjoyed. I remembered back when Minseok and I were younger we used to join him on these walks, although back then our grandmother was around and she used to accompany him as well. It used to be just the four of us back then whenever we were in town. Now it was just my grandfather and on this rare occasion I was here too. I trailed further behind him, following him just like how I used to do. He seemed to be lost inside of his own little world as he walked. When we neared the middle of the park he finally decided to take a brief break and sat down on one of the wooden benches on the side of the path. I sat down on the opposite end of the bench beside him.

“Is your mind at any more ease now, Minseok?” He continued to call me. I slowly turned to glance at him with a sullen smile. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t hurt every time he called me by my brother’s name instead of my own. But that was my fault.

“Yes, somewhat.” I replied, only partially telling the truth. Being out here on my own away from everyone back home was in itself relaxing. And after that phone call with Minhyun last night and learning that he and Aron forgave me after finally getting Jason to talk, it was one less burden to carry on top of my shoulders. But I still had many more weighing me down. There was the whole modeling thing and worrying what to do next. Not to mention – where was Baekho? Where was JR? And what were my true feelings between them…?

“Is Minki still weighing you down?” My grandfather worriedly asked me. I stared at him. It pained me to hear him say that. I knew that I was the source of a lot of my brother’s grief but I hated thinking about it. I slowly shook my head.

“No, grandpa, it’s not Minki.” I replied.

“Then is it about the other boy?” He asked, making me pause. The image of Baekho’s smiling face suddenly flashed before me before quickly dissipating. My grandfather seemed familiar with him. I wondered how much Minseok had talked to him about Baekho. Silent tears once again formed in the corners of my eyes. I took deep breath then slowly exhaled.

“Yes.”

“Are you worried about him again?”

I painfully nodded. “Yes…”

“Why? You’ve been watching him for so long. You said he’s doing fine.” My grandfather replied. I bit my bottom lip while I shook my head from side to side.

“It’s not that I’m worried about… I’m worried… that he’s going to be all alone again… and that loneliness is all of my fault.”

“Because of the accident?”

I shook my head again. “Not only just that, but… I did something bad to him. I got involved with him… I allowed myself to get too close.” I painfully admitted, placing my hand over my heart. He stared back at me, confused.

“Involved?”

“Grandpa… I’m gay.” I cautiously replied, not sure how he would take it. If the thought of bleaching my hair had freaked him out, how would he handle the idea of me liking other men? He blinked. My words almost seemed lost on him.

“What’s that?” He asked very seriously.

“I like men.”

“Why?” He tilted his head slightly to the corner. He suddenly paused. “Wait a minute… Minki?” He asked as it just occurred to him and he finally recognized me. It must have connected with him that out of my brother and I, I was the only gay one and that Minseok had dated plenty of women before in the past. I awkwardly nodded then shrugged.

“Yes, I’m Minki. And I don’t know, grandpa. I think I was just born this way. And I couldn’t help but get close to him. It just sort of happened at work. We spent so much time together and he ended up falling for me first. At first I wasn’t so sure, but the more time I spent with him, the more I became confused and the more I found myself falling for him too… I didn’t know… that he was that same boy from the accident. And I think he didn’t know who I was either. And now… I’m sad because we do know and he hasn’t contacted me since. I feel like I hurt him all over again.” The silent tears that I had been suppressing finally trickled down the sides of my face.

“I don’t really care about the gay thing. Love is something that anyone is fortunate enough to come by – doesn’t matter with who. But it sounds to me like after the two of you found out it was the same accident you both went back and forth between trying to accept it and deny it.” He surprisingly replied. “One part of you probably feels like waiting for him to come around while the other part of you feels like you have to do something out of fear in case he doesn’t. You’ve probably been wearing your mind out ever since, haven’t you?”

“Grandpa…”

“There’s no ‘if’s, ‘and’s, or ‘but’s. It happened. You were the one in the car and he was the child of the folks in the other. Rather than try to deny what happened, the two of you just need to accept it. Let it sink in and try to do the hardest thing not to: nothing. You might return to that feeling of having to do something once again, but you need to stop it. Stop filling your head with the idea that you have to fix everything, especially something you have no control over. There is no ‘supreme being,’ other than God. You’re just you.”

I shifted my gaze down into my lap. I felt like I was being scolded. But I needed to hear this. After I had backstabbed Aron and Minhyun, I felt as if I needed to repent and change myself, even though it was Jason that had forced me to betray them. It was my fault though. I had a choice. But with Baekho, I never did. It was an accident, something out of my hands. When I found out it was him, my first thought aside from ruining his life had been ‘what can I do for him now?’ And when I tried to contact him countless times to no avail, I felt miserable because then I really couldn’t do anything for him. “I know, grandpa…”

“Life can be downright tough sometimes, but you know what? Love softens it.” He replied. My heart stung when he mentioned that particular word.

“Love? How? He doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore…” I miserably replied. My grandfather smiled at me.

“Love isn’t black and white – there’s a grey area in between.”

I glanced up at him. I could see the reason why Minseok chose to come here to visit our grandfather whenever he was feeling stressed or down. He really did help to put things into a new perspective. “Do you really think so?”

“If you were really that important to him at one point, there’s no reason for him to abandon you. Give him some time to think, just as you’ve had for yourself, alright, Minki?” He asked, finally calling me by my name. I nodded.

“Okay.”

 

 

Baekho’s POV

[ONE WEEK LATER]

After delivering the speech about Mr. Kim’s secret apprentice being the new designer and CEO of LOTUS Designs, I had locked myself up inside of my house and completely disappeared from the public for a week. I had managed to pull myself together long enough to attend the press conference, but after I needed to be alone. I kept my phone off and had even gone so far as to place the back of a chair underneath the front doorknob to keep Jason out. I wanted peace and quiet so that I could recollect myself and sort through my own dark and complicated feelings and thoughts about Ren. Before I had been so confused. I toggled back and forth between wanting nothing to do with him and running over to his apartment right this second. I felt guilty towards my parents for still wanting to see Ren and at the same time I felt like I was doing them justice by not going to him, even though I knew that’s not what they probably would have wanted for me to feel. Before I knew it, a week had passed until I finally returned to my senses. I almost couldn’t believe how long I had been out of it. My heart had stung when I finally my phone to see no new or missed messages from Ren. It was almost as if he had given up on me. With as much time that had managed to pass by me, I didn’t exactly blame him either.

I tried calling Ren’s phone only to be automatically sent to voicemail. It appeared that he had turned his phone off. If I couldn’t reach him through the phone, I would have to run into him by chance. There were still so many things I needed to discuss with him. After showering, I quickly dressed in a pair of black designer jeans and a white dress shirt. I rolled up the sleeves and wore a thick silver watch on my left wrist and several silver bracelets on my right. I spiked my hair up and threw on my coat and sunglasses before stepping out the door in a pair of black loafers. As the sunlight from outside hit me I squinted my eyes, even underneath the pair of sunglasses. Today was the first time in a week that I had actually left the house. I shook it off and climbed inside of my car, speeding down the street and exiting the gated neighborhood towards my next destination: the JA Style studio.

I parked my car in the parking garage across the street once I arrived. I climbed out and locked the doors behind me before making the short walk. When I stepped inside of the shop level of the studio, I was greeted by his assistant who seemed surprised to see me there again. When I asked if Jason was in, she nodded then informed me that he was upstairs in his office. I slightly bowed my head then climbed the stairs. To be honest asking to see Jason was just an excuse to hopefully bump into Ren upstairs, however, I didn’t see him. I checked both the locker room and the practice room to find every other model but him. Maybe Ren hadn’t arrived yet. Damn, that meant I really would have to speak with Jason. I spotted the redhead sitting at his desk, hunched over and furiously scribbling something on a piece of paper. I approached the outside of his open office and stood for a couple of seconds in silence before bringing my right knuckle up to the wall and knocking, immediately drawing his attention towards me. A surprised look spread over his troubled face. I smirked.

“Happy to see me?” I asked him.

“Looks like the bat finally came out from his cave.” Jason murmured before turning back to the page of scribbles on top of his desk. He stared down at it then groaned while grabbing the hair on both sides of his head and slamming his elbows across his desk, frustrated. I stared down at him, wondering if he had tried calling or visiting me during my week of silence. Judging by his response he probably had.

“Trying to come up with a new design?”

“More like trying to come up with a new plan.” He corrected me.

“Uh-oh.” I frowned. Jason shook his head.

“No ‘uh-oh.’ There is none. I’m worn out of ideas.”

“That sounds like a good thing, but I’ve got a feeling it’s not.” I replied. He finally glanced back up at me between his palms.

“What do you want, Baekho? You really shouldn’t be here.”

“You finally asked.” I rolled my eyes. “Ren’s not answering his phone.” I replied. Jason furrowed his brows then lowered his hands down onto his desk and sat back in his chair. He gave me a strange, surprised look.

“Good god, are you only just now calling him?” He asked me. I tilted my head to the side.

“Why is that?” I defensively asked. I wasn’t about to tell him the reasoning to why I hadn’t spoken to anyone this past week. It wasn’t any of his business.

“If you find that he’s not answering his phone, there’s a reason for that. I’ve sent him away on vacation in China for the next couple of weeks.” Jason replied. Ren was in China?

“Do you know how I can get a hold of him?”

“Why is it that he’s all that everyone ever mentions these days? Why? What business do you have with Ren that can’t be said through me, his employer? From what I hear the two of you aren’t dating.” Jason protectively shot back.

“Did Ren say something?” I asked, stunned. Jason scoffed.

“He didn’t need to. The fact that you don’t know where he is suggests it.”

“Don’t act like you know everything. I need to talk to him.”

“To win him over?” Jason laughed. “Sorry, I might have helped you before, but I have zero interest in playing matchmaker for you anymore, especially now that I’ve seen it’s had little effect on JR at all.” Jason replied. I narrowed my eyes and glared at him. I knew it. I knew this had been the reasoning behind Jason’s attempts at trying to push me towards Ren. But me trying to chase him had nothing to do with Jason or anyone else. I chased after him because I wanted to. I wanted Ren. I gripped my right fist down by my side but then lessened it when I realized it was pointless to fight Jason on this now, especially when I had known all along.

“It has nothing to do with winning him over. I have an important message to relay over to him.” I replied. Jason suddenly paused as if something deep had occurred to him. He slowly glanced up and stared at me with an almost defeated look on his face.

“Are you planning on meeting him…?” He strangely asked.

“Perhaps if I can even get ahold of him, which is why I’m asking for your help.” I replied, curious as to why he was asking if I was going to meet Ren. Jason frowned.

“If I tell you how you can reach him, will you do something for me?” He asked in a serious tone of voice. I stared at him for a moment, trying to study him and looking for even the smallest hint of trickery or deceit.

“It depends on the nature of what you want me to do.” I stated, not willing to do any more publicity stunts for him. I was putting my foot down now that Jason seemed to be raising his and pulling away. Perhaps JR’s indirect threat really had shaken him to the point of actually giving up. He had said that he was done, but knowing someone like Jason, I couldn’t help but suspect him. I watched as Jason heavily sighed then reached down and pulled open one of the bottom drawers underneath his desk and reluctantly removed a large manila document envelope that was sealed by a single metal prong. He seemed to take forever to actually take it from his drawer before tossing it across the surface of his desk.

“That.” He replied, sitting back in his chair and swirling around to his right, purposely looking away from me. “I need you to deliver that document to him. I’ll give you the address and room phone number of the hotel he’s staying at.”

“You know where he is. Why don’t you mail it to him yourself then?” I asked. Jason shifted his gaze down into his lap.

“Because if left up to me, I would never send it.” He vaguely responded. I stared down at the envelope.

“Just what exactly is inside of there?” I asked. Jason slowly spun around in his chair to face me. He heavily sighed.

“Just make sure he gets it. Here.” Jason replied then grabbed a post-it note from the side of his desk. He scribbled down the information that he had promised to give me then stuck it on top of the envelope. “Have fun in China.” He murmured without much enthusiasm. I reached forward and took the envelope along with the post-it note from his desk. I slightly nodded my head goodbye then carried it outside of his office. I stopped in the middle of the lobby on the second floor to pull my phone out, not wanting to wait until I got home to call Ren. I had already let far too much time slip from my hands. I dialed the number to the hotel in China. The phone rang several times. When the front desk finally answered, I was greeted in Chinese. I awkwardly paused for a moment before answering back in Korean. When the attendant recognized what language I was speaking they promptly switched me to another attendant that spoke Korean.

“Hotel Eclat, how can I help you today sir?” The female attendant asked me.

“Can I be connected to room 807, please?” I asked back.

“Just one moment.” She replied. I could hear the sound of her typing away at a computer keyboard in front of her as she pulled up the guest information. I was met by slight hesitation. “My records indicate that room 807 was booked for two weeks but never checked into. May I ask who is calling?” She asked. I furrowed my brows in confusion. Never checked into? I felt my heart suddenly sink down to my stomach. If Ren had never checked in, where was he? Did something happen? I started growing worried.

“Thank you.” I replied before quickly hanging up, ignoring her last request. As I got off the phone I was suddenly approached by Minhyun who had stopped me in my tracks as I was about to turn and hurry down the stairs. Since Ren hadn’t checked into the hotel in China and he wasn’t answering his phone, I was hoping that maybe he had never left in the first place and had locked himself away inside of his apartment like I had for the week. I glanced at Minhyun from underneath my sunglasses as I waited for him to tell me what he needed to say. Minhyun defensively folded his arms across his chest and tightly pursed his lips together before finally speaking up.

“It appears I owe you an apology, Mr. Kim.” He surprisingly said, catching me off-guard. I stared back at him, stunned.

“An apology?” I asked, my thoughts not exactly in the right frame of mind at the moment. What was he talking about?

“Don’t act so surprised. The things I said to you about my suspicions regarding bumping Aron up to Top Model… It seems I accused the wrong person all along. Jason told us everything.” Minhyun replied. “Anyways, I have my pride too, but I’m man enough to admit when I’ve done wrong.” He continued. I stared at him in confusion.

“Everything?” I asked. Now it was Minhyun’s turn to look confused.

“Yes, about moving Aron forward and myself backward in order to make Ren stand out the most at the fashion show.” Minhyun stated.

“He did what?” I asked, removing my sunglasses from my face to stare at him eye to eye. Minhyun furrowed his brows.

“You mean you didn’t know?” Minhyun asked, surprised.

“I was told that Aron was moved up because of his improved skills. Jason explained how he had been keeping an eye on his progress and led me to believe that he deserved Top Model status…” My voice trailed off. I angrily narrowed my eyes and clenched my right fist down by my side as a sudden thought occurred to me. “He lied to me. He tricked me.”

“You really didn’t have a hand in this… It makes me feel that much more apologetic for pinning the blame on you.” Minhyun regretfully replied, guiltily shifting his gaze downwards.

“No, I’m sorry. I suspected all along that he would try to pull something insane like this…” I paused. “Ren – where’s Ren? How did he take this?” I asked. Minhyun hesitantly glanced up at me and met my gaze.

“Not very well, as you can imagine. When he tried to quit, Jason sent him to China on vacation to ease and try to change his mind. It’s been about a week since he’s left. When I last spoke to him it sounded as if he was done with the whole modeling industry. He asked me for advice, but what more can I tell him that he doesn’t already know? This industry is like that. Jason and many more other designers are like that… It’s almost somewhat surprising to hear that you’re not like that too.”

“I’m no saint either, Mr. Hwang.” I honestly replied. “I’ve done my share of things that I’ll spend the rest of my life paying for, but I’ll deal with it when the time comes. First I need to find Ren. If he tried to quit, it must mean he’s in a dark place right now-” And I was sure the added news of the accident didn’t help either…

“Find Ren?” Minhyun asked, concerned.

“He never checked into his hotel.” I replied.

“But it sounded like he had already arrived on the phone… I figured that was why he called so late…” Minhyun’s voice worriedly trailed off. “Do you have any idea where he could have gone, or know someone who might?” He asked me. I paused as a sudden name came across my mind. Minseok. I thought back to our meeting a week ago when he had handed me his business card, asking me to contact him when I was ready.

“I think I just might.” I replied, slightly nodding goodbye to Minhyun before hurriedly turning and rushing down the stairs and out of JA Style. I rushed to my car and sped like a demon further into town. When I arrived at my place I tore out from the car without closing the door and entered my room inside the house. I started rummaging through my pile of dirty laundry in search of Minseok’s crumpled business card. I hadn’t thrown it away, so it had to be somewhere in here. After minutes of searching, I finally found it and snatched it up, un-crumpling it to read the number and location of his office at Seoul University. I glanced down at the time on my watch. It was still morning. He was probably still teaching classes, too busy to answer his phone. I climbed to my feet and took the card with me, leaving the house and reentering my car. If I couldn’t call him, I’d wait for him at his office.

 

 

I arrived outside of Seoul University around noon. I awkwardly parked my car in the lot outside of the psychology building where Minseok’s office was located, though I was met with some difficulty actually getting out. Several students had happened to recognize my car and started to wrap around the vehicle, trapping me inside. My windows were darkly tinted, making it difficult for them to see into the car, however, I could see them clearly. Nearly all of the students already had their cellphones out, either recording or getting ready to snap pictures of me once I got out. What a great idea it was to come here. I heavily sighed, seriously rethinking my choices in life. I had done absolutely nothing other than lying to get this famous. Even then fame wasn’t all that it appeared to be. In times like this it was annoying and frustrating. I knew the moment I got out that they would swarm me and prevent me from going anywhere. What should I do? I had already come this far and besides, I still had to find Ren. Minseok, being his brother, was probably the only other person who would know where he might have gone to.

I took my phone out and dialed the number printed on the business card. I reached the voice mailbox of his office phone. Apparently he was away from his desk. Damn it. This was the only number I had of his. I thought about just trying to call or visit again later but when I glanced into my rearview mirror to see dozens of students loitering around my car, I knew I was stuck here. I nervously pursed my lips together. Just do this. You’re Mr. Kim. You’re supposed to be bold and fearless. Get out there and start acting like it. I put my sunglasses back on and closed my eyes for a second, gathering up the courage to step out.

Knock, knock!

I slightly jumped as I heard the sound of someone knocking on the window beside me. I opened my eyes to see none other than Minseok standing outside. I found myself surprised at actually being happy to see him. He was dressed in a fitted navy blue dress shirt and black slacks with a black leather belt wrapped around his waist and black loafers on his feet. Taking one look at him I could tell he was probably popular with the female students and possibly even male. I slightly rolled the window down an inch as Minseok leaned closer.

“Mr. Kim! Are you here to see me???” He had to practically shout above all the other noise surrounding him. I nodded. He leaned in close to the window again. “Don’t worry, I’ve got this!” He replied then turned around to face the crowd. “Anyone who does not steer clear of the area and records or takes any unauthorized pictures will have their names reported to the Dean!” Minseok threatened. Looks of fear and intimidation spread across all the students’ faces as they quickly scattered away, freeing me. Once the last few were gone I finally opened my door and climbed out. I slightly bowed to him.

“Thank you for that, Mr. Choi.” I formerly replied. Minseok gave me a somewhat annoyed look.

“It’s Minseok, but you’re welcome.” He informally answered me. “You’re just lucky I happened to recognize your car on the way back from my lunch break. It’s a good thing I chose to go out today, isn’t it?” He kindly smiled.

“You recognized my car? I thought you said you didn’t watch or read the news.”

“I researched you some more since our last encounter.” Minseok shamelessly replied. This definitely had to be where Ren got his bluntness from.

“You researched me?” I said, feeling somewhat even more violated by him, if it were at all possible. An amused smirk spread across Minseok’s lips as he pushed his sliding glasses back up the bridge of his nose.

“I’m a Ph.D. It’s what I’m best at. Anyways, I’m glad you finally came. Let’s step inside my office and away from wondering eyes, shall we?” He suggested. I nodded then closely followed behind him as he led me inside of the psychology building. We traveled through several hallways until we finally reached his beyond cluttered office. As he entered he took a stack of papers that had been sitting in one of the chairs and moved it off to the side, allowing me a place to sit. I thanked him then took a seat and watched as he closed the door and cautiously climbed over more stacks of books and papers before finally making it to his own chair behind his desk. “Now, how can I help you?”

“Help me?” I asked, confused.

“You’re here about reparation money, aren’t you?” He responded. I paused.

“Reparation… money?” My voice quietly trailed off. I hadn’t been expecting for him to bring that up. To be honest it was the furthest thing from my mind. “I don’t need your money, Mr. Choi.” I replied. Minseok stared at me as I called him by that particular name again. He suddenly removed his glasses and folded them, placing them down on top of his desk. For a moment I was surprised yet again by how much he resembled Ren without them. It was almost as if I were looking at an older, black haired version of him.

“Then what is it that you need from me?” Minseok asked. I stared at him in silence for several seconds, simply studying his face. Although there was a slight smile on his lips, the serious look in his eyes said otherwise. I also noticed something odd about his behavior. His hands which were resting on top of the desk were shaking as if he were nervous and he seemed to be sitting straight on the edge of his chair. I glanced back at the stern, firm look on his face to try to decipher him more. When he caught me staring he softened up his gaze and smiled even wider – but it looked fake. It almost seemed to appear as if Minseok were wearing a mask to disguise his own pain at seeing me here.

“Listen, before I tell you what I came here for, I just need to ask. Are you… ok?” I questioned him, catching him wildly off-guard.

“Huh???” He asked, his eyes growing wide with shock. His mask was temporarily broken.

“Are you ok?” I repeated myself. Minseok stared at me for a while before forcing a painful smile on his lips.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” Minseok responded. It was an obvious lie. I could see it in his actions that seeing me here like this face to face was as much of an emotional rollercoaster for him as it was for me. It wasn’t easy being here. I had to set aside personal feelings just to come here and ask him for his help in finding Ren. I should have known that it would be impossible to do so without first bringing up the past and the real pain between us. But maybe it was a good thing for the both of us that I was here. We had both lived for so long with the torment and guilt eating away at us. Wasn’t it time to finally put a stop to that, now that fate had somehow managed to force us to meet again? It couldn’t have been without reason.

“Because it took me a long time to finally be ok after the accident. Even now I sometimes find myself questioning whether I’m still ok.” I replied. Minseok continued to smile at me before shifting his gaze off to the side of his desk where a large water tumbler sat on the corner. It must have been at least half a liter and full to the rim, as if he had filled it up recently. He suddenly picked it up and held it out to me. I stared down at it before glancing up at him with a questioning gaze. He continued to insist that I take it and so I finally did. I took it with my left hand. Just as I was about to bend my arm he stopped me.

“Hold it just like that for a moment for me.” Minseok instructed. I paused before hesitantly nodding and agreeing. Minseok glanced down at my arm and then up at me. “How does that feel right now? Is it heavy?” He asked me. I shook my head.

“No, not at all.” I replied.

“But what about if you held it for five consecutive minutes? Do you imagine it would feel heavy then?” He asked. I paused once again to think it over.

“I imagine it would.”

“What about after an hour? Would it feel even heavier?”

“An hour of holding on to this? Definitely.” I replied. Minseok blankly stared at me, his smile gone.

“That’s what it’s felt like all this time.” He said while reaching out to take the water tumbler back from me and setting it down on his desk again. “The guilt, the regret – It’s just gotten heavier and heavier over time.” Minseok admitted. I was stunned by his metaphor, not even realizing that I had just been subjected to one of his little psychology experiments.

“The guilt?” I asked for clarification.

“From ripping apart two families.” Minseok replied. “I took away something from you that can never be replaced and I never got to formally apologize to you. I’m sorry.”

“But you said two families – do you mean your own as well?”

“At the time everyone had been concerned about Ren and understandably so. After all, he took the brunt of the impact and had suffered the most out of the two of us. I not nearly sustaining as many injuries – I was overlooked. I never said anything because I didn’t want to be selfish, but it was something that ended up distancing me from my family. Our parents only ever saw Ren. In fact, there were times where I suspected that our parents were angry at me, as if they believed that I had somehow caused the accident. They wouldn’t ever say it, but I could tell by the way they looked at me. That look of disappointment and hurt… I can’t ever escape from that memory no matter how badly I want to.”

I shifted my eyes down into my lap. “So you remember everything then?” I asked him. Minseok hesitantly nodded.

“Some parts more than others, unfortunately.”

“Can you tell me something then? Something that I’ve been dying to know since the accident…” I gripped my fists, squeezing my knees. Minseok quietly stared at me, waiting for me to ask the question I had waited so long to hear the answer to. “Whose fault was it?”

“I’m not quite sure, Baekho. A lot of research went into the accident and truthfully not even the police were able to determine who caused it. It’s possible that both drivers just weren’t paying attention… I’m not going to shift the blame. I know I played a part in it, but it had happened so fast… to be honest I want to know the answer to that question too.” Minseok explained, only adding further to the unsolved mystery. I frowned. I guess it was something that we would never really know…

“Ren told me the extent of his injuries. What about yours?” I asked him. “You said you were hurt too?” I was met by a startled look before Minseok forced another smile on his face.

“You really don’t need to worry about me… I really don’t deserve it.” His smile slowly disappeared, replaced by a look of emptiness.

“Ren and I weren’t the only ones affected by the accident. You told me so.”

“Really, Baekho, this isn’t necessary-” He uncomfortably replied but I cut him off.

“You already know about me. About how I was left parent-less and had to take all sorts of odd jobs up until now just to survive… this one included.” I finally admitted to someone for the first time, not caring about the consequences that might arise. It was funny how much I had feared the man the last time I had seen him and now here I was about to tell him everything. Besides, Minseok didn’t seem like the type to talk and from what it looked like he had already figured the truth out about me anyways.

“‘Kim Baekho’ is just another job for you, isn’t it?” Minseok asked. “None of the accomplishments of House of Kim are really yours, are they? It’s just a façade.” I nodded.

“He is.” I replied. Minseok grew quiet for a moment.

“A person always has their reasons… Survival is always a strong enough reason. I won’t delve any further than that… As for the answer to your question, yes… I had been hurt too. I had a broken wrist and had several stitches in my leg from the accident… but those healed far quickly than Ren’s wounds.” Minseok hesitantly replied. I stared at him.

“Your pain is just as real as mine and Ren’s. Don’t belittle it.” I said, startling him.

“It’s hard not to, that’s the thing. It was hard to live with myself after surviving all of that. That’s why when I was able to, I dedicated my all towards my brother, doing whatever it was I could to help him while watching you from afar too... But Ren hated me for a while… Whatever help I wanted or tried to give him he’s never accepted. In fact he’s only recently let me come back into his life since then. And this is my first time reaching out towards you, who I have no idea how to help or where to even begin to make things right with, if it’s at all possible…” His voice sadly trailed off.

“You said your wounds have healed, but not all wounds are visible. It’s clear to me that not all of yours have healed. You being a psychology professor, I think you know that.” I replied. Minseok shifted his gaze down to his desk before softly smiling.

“You’re the first, you know that?”

“The first what?”

“To ever ask me if I was alright.” Minseok replied, leaving me speechless. I furrowed my brows. The first? I couldn’t have been… It had been years since the accident. Was he really telling me that no one during that time frame had ever even bothered to ask him if he was okay? I couldn’t believe it. I shifted my gaze down into my lap. Right as I was about to say something, he continued. “Thank you…”

“I’ve had to live with the guilt of not being there able to help for my entire life… But I can’t imagine living with the type of guilt you had to.” I replied, slowly looking back up at him. Minseok deeply exhaled while turning his head away from me and to the side to avoid making eye contact with me. I was surprised when I heard him sniffle before finally turning back to face me with red and watery eyes.

“I know I did something wrong. There’s no denying that. In order to live though I had to accept it or let it completely consume me, and so I did. I admitted to being human.” Minseok replied, surprising me when he used that last phrase that I must had heard at least a dozen times from Ren. I could almost recall each time Ren tried to comfort me, telling me that I was only human. Was this where he had learned it from?

“You know, I didn’t think that there would be a single thing that the two of us would share in common, but there is.” I replied. Minseok looked at me.

“And what is that?”

“Nobody asked me either.” I replied. “There was no one around to ask me that or check in on me.” Minseok shot me a deep sympathetic look.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been able to do anything for you up until now. My plan had always been to get myself established first before I could finally reach out and truly do something meaningful for you. If it’s not money you want from me, what else can I possibly offer you?” Minseok asked. I sat back in the chair inside of his cluttered, messy office and folded my arms across my chest, sighing heavily.

“Peace of mind.” I replied. “I think it’s about time to put all of this to an end between us, like you said, in order to live.”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand-”

“I forgive you.” I said straightforwardly. Minseok’s eyes grew wide in shock and he suddenly froze. After a couple of seconds of realization had passed, he leaned his right elbow on the desk and brought his hand up to his forehead while covering his mouth with his left. Silent tears trickled down the corners of his eyes, pouring down his cheeks as his shoulders behind him began to noticeably tremble. “You don’t have to worry about me anymore. You’re free.”

“… It can’t be that easy…” Minseok managed to speak between his tears. It sounded as if he refused to believe that I would let him off the hook without really asking for anything in return. But it was true. What I wanted was something he nor anyone else could give me – my parents. But since that was impossible, I wanted to ask for the next best thing, which was to finally be able to move on. I knew that’s what my parents would have wanted.

“I don’t know about you, but I spent a lot of time feeling angry and sad about something I couldn’t do anything about. My parents weren’t the type of people to ever hold a grudge and neither am I. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being angry at you or Ren. What’s done is done-”

“There has to be something!” Minseok slammed his right fist down on the desk and stared at me with urgency in his eyes.

“Move on. Be happy. Finally allow yourself to live the life you always wanted, rather than spending the rest of it trying to make amendments that I don’t want or need with me. I’ll be fine. Even when the Mr. Kim stunt is over, I’ll still be okay. As angry as he might be with me right now, I don’t think the real guy would ever let anything bad happen to me. And besides, I’ve managed to make it this long, haven’t I? I just know that I can’t live knowing that someone else is beating themselves up over me and something that happened a long time ago. So for my sake – to help me move on too – will you finally allow yourself happiness?” I asked, sitting up straight and leaning forward in my chair. Minseok stared at me in silence for several seconds. He tightly pursed his lips together. I could tell that he was internally debating whether or not it was okay to accept my forgiveness and ultimately forgive himself. I watched as he slowly nodded his head up and down, still seeming unsure.

“Okay.” He lifelessly replied, staring down at his desk. The two of us sat in silence for the next couple of minutes, slowly letting everything sink in. When I had finally uttered those three words ‘I forgive you,’ it felt as if a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t feel as heavy anymore and the air around me felt cleaner, making it easier to breathe. Even the world around me somehow seemed that much brighter. I glanced over at Minseok. If this was how I felt, I wonder what he must be feeling right now. When he finally looked up from his desk he paused and made eye contact with me. A small, soft smile slowly swept across his lips. “Thank you… Really, thank you…”

“Thank you too.” I replied, surprising him. He furrowed his brows in confusion.

“What for?”

“For the closure. For finally putting an end to my parents’ accident mystery. To be honest that’s all I ever really wanted. I always wanted to know ‘why’ or ‘who.’ One question is still unanswered, but at least the other has been solved. I’m glad that… I finally came to see you. If the person had been someone else and hadn’t shown any sense of guilt or remorse over what they did, I don’t know how I would have been able to live with myself. But seeing you… I can see it. And I believe you. That’s why the least I can do is help ease your conscience and let you free.”

“You have no idea how much it means to me that you’re finally here…” Minseok said as he rose from his chair then stepped off to the side of his desk. He partially cleared the messy floor area and started to kneel down. My eyes widened in shock as I realized what he was about to do. I started to raise my right hand in attempt to stop him when Minseok shook his head. “I’ve been waiting all this time to formerly apologize, not just to you, but your parents.” I froze as I watched him climb down to his knees and lean forward with his hands and forehead touching the floor. This bow was for my parents…? Somehow in my mind I pictured the ghosts of my parents standing behind me as I continued to sit in the chair, watching Minseok properly bow in front of me. I suddenly felt tears build up in the corners of my eyes. I could feel their forgiving nature. I knelt down and tapped Minseok on his left shoulder and helped him sit back up on his knees.

“If they were here, I know they would forgive you too.” I replied, pulling my arm back and wiping the silent tears from my eyes. “Thank you for acknowledging them.” Minseok smiled at me.

“I can’t imagine Ren’s apology was this easy. That stubborn fool.” He lightly laughed, wiping his own tears from his face. I paused.

“I actually haven’t heard from him. I’ve been… busy this past week.” I uncomfortably replied, knowing that it was partially my fault as to why I hadn’t heard from him. Minseok gave me a strange look.

“You haven’t? Just where in the world is he?”

“That’s… what I wanted to ask you about, really. Jason sent him on a trip to China for a vacation but when I called his hotel earlier the front desk said that no one had ever checked in, making me question if he even went.” I replied.

“Hmm… And you’re sure he’s not here?” Minseok asked. I nodded.

“He’s not answering his phone, but he did manage to contact his friend Minhyun about a week ago and he told me that wherever Ren had gone to, he definitely arrived.” I replied. Minseok laughed then smiled.

“He’s in Busan.” He simply replied. I stared at him. Busan…?

“How do you-” I froze when I suddenly recalled a conversation that I had with Ren on the phone a while ago. I remembered asking him where his happy or safe place was, in which he responded ‘Busan.’ That’s right! He had grandparents –

“Our grandfather still lives there. If anything, you’ll find him hiding out at his place. That’s where you would find me if I was ever missing.” Minseok softly smiled, thinking fondly on whatever memories he had of the place. He stood back up and walked behind his desk, reaching for a post-it note and scribbling down an address before handing it over. I stood as I took it from him. Minseok smiled again. “I hope you find him. You two must have a lot to talk about.”

I nodded. “Thank you for this.” I replied, starting to turn around and head for the door. Minseok lightly laughed. I paused and glanced back at him as I reached the door frame.

“No, thank you…” Minseok said back, watching me nod farewell and leave. Once I was alone outside in the hall I glanced down at the address he had written down. Since I couldn’t contact Ren through the phone I would have to make a trip down to Busan, but there was something else bothering me at the back of my mind. I already knew what it was that I wanted to say to Ren. I also had a feeling what might happen afterwards once I did. But before leaving for Busan there was one more person I needed to contact as a precaution. I dug out my phone while making my way out of the psychology building, dialing Jason’s phone number and holding it up to my face. The phone rang several times before the redhead finally picked up.

“What?” Jason said, sounding depressed.

“What’s JR’s new phone number? The old one still doesn’t work.” I replied. Jason scoffed.

“Hell if I know. The bastard’s got a blocked number now.” Jason retorted.

“A blocked number? Isn’t there any way you can contact him for me?”

“I wish! If you can find a way, gladly let me know. There’s something I need to discuss with him too.” Jason darkly murmured. I sighed. How in the world was I going to contact him now? There was no way I could possibly go see Ren without contacting him first. It was crucial that I did. I unlocked my car doors and slid inside, immediately re-locking them. As I started my engine I heard Jason suddenly start talking to someone else in the room. I furrowed my brows while listening in, trying to decipher who was with him. I froze when I recognized the sound of Aron’s voice.

“Is that Aron? Let me speak to him.” I replied, knowing full and well that Aron was close with Ren and had probably even hung out with JR at one point.

“Excuse me?” Jason asked, sounding offended.

“Put him on!” I snapped at him. Jason scoffed once again. I heard the sounds of the phone being passed through the air before finally putting Aron on.

“Yo, this is your boy Aron here. What’s up?”

“This is Kim Baekho.”

“Agh – I mean, hello Mr. Kim. What do you need me for – what can I do for you all of a sudden?” Aron asked, sounding surprised before quickly switching back and forth between formal and informal language and struggling.

“You wouldn’t happen to have JR’s number, would you?” I asked and was met by a long silent pause.

“JR’s number? Why do you want that? Are you friends with him or something?” Aron asked back.

“Not quite. He is a reporter I need to get in contact with though. I know you are close friends with Ren who also happens to be close with JR.” I lied about the reason I needed to contact JR in hopes that it might work. Aron dejectedly sighed.

“Sorry, I can’t help you. I had it at one point, well, up until he moved that is. I haven’t heard from him in months! His old number isn’t working, so even I can’t get a hold of him-” Aron suddenly paused. “But I might know someone who can. I don’t know how she would feel about me giving out her number though…” His voice trailed off, unsure.

“I’m sure if you tell her it’s me she won’t mind.” I replied.

“I guess so. You got a pen?” He asked. I quickly searched my car to find one. When I did I turned to the back of the post-it note that Minseok had given me and I wrote down the number. Aron continued. “Just ask for Son Dambi. If she asks how you know her number, tell her Aron gave it to you. Anyways, good luck!” He replied, handing the phone back to Jason.

“Happy now?” Jason muttered.

“Your were surprisingly quite helpful this time.” I .

“Whatever.” He replied then abruptly hung up on me. I stared down at the number that Aron had given me. Son Dambi? Why did that name sound familiar? Suddenly the image of the tall, thin and beautiful woman that I had seen with JR and Ren before came to mind. It had to be her. Hopefully she wouldn’t mind me calling in the middle of the day. I quickly dialed her number and anxiously waited for a response. The phone must have rang three times before someone answered.

“Hello?” A woman’s voice poured out from my speaker, sounding both unsure and curious about who was calling.

“Are you Miss Son Dambi?” I asked.

“This is she. May I ask who is calling?” She confirmed then asked back.

“Kim Baekho.” I replied and was surprised to hear a small, faint gasp on the other end of the line.

“How did you get this number, Mr. Kim?” Dambi suspiciously asked.

“Aron Kwak told me that I could possibly reach JR through this number.” I replied.

“Did he? And why do you need to talk to him?” Dambi said rather defensively. I paused for a second, a bit started by her strange behavior. For someone she had never met, she sounded somewhat rude. Unless… did she know me? Had JR told her everything about the Mr. Kim persona? It was the only plausible excuse I could think of as to why she would be so off putting with me. And honestly it made sense for her to be on JR’s side.

“You know about me, don’t you?”

“Mmhm. Now tell me why you need to talk to him.” She replied. I took a deep breath before I began. By the time I had finished telling her everything, almost a whole hour had passed. I told her my explanation as to why I had taken on the Mr. Kim persona and everything that had happened in the triangle between me, Ren and JR. I even went so far as to tell her about the accident and having not spoken to Ren in over a week. Although it might have seemed strange to completely pour my heart out to a complete stranger, I felt like it was safe to talk about it with her since she already knew so much from JR’s side. And surprisingly she listened with zero interruptions. It was astonishing at how well she listened and how nice it felt for someone to do that for me, aside from Ren.

“That’s why I need to speak to him before seeing Ren.” I replied.

“To think all of this time I wrongly thought poorly of you… I’ll make sure he gets your message.” Dambi sympathetically replied. “But are you sure this is what you want to do?”

I faintly smiled. “Yeah.”

“If only there were more guys like you out there.” Dambi sighed. “I’ll make sure he calls you.”

“Thanks. Tell him I’m on my way to Busan now.” I replied. Dambi reassured me that she would before we both said our goodbyes and I started the long six hour trip to Busan. I placed my phone down on the passenger side seat on top of the document that Jason had given to me to give to Ren when I saw him. I placed the post-it note with the address that Minseok had given me on top of my dash board and started driving.

 

 

By the time I arrived in Busan, it was already night time, close to 8 PM. When I grew closer to town I plugged in Ren’s grandfather’s address to my phone and followed the directions until I arrived at my destination. I was surprised when I realized just how close the residence was towards the tourist side of town. I wasn’t too far away from the fishing boat port. I parked my car further down the street as to not draw attention to the house just in case I was somehow being followed, which I doubted, but I wanted to respect his grandfather’s privacy. I sat in my seat and tried calling Ren’s phone to give him a head’s up that I was here, but once again I was sent straight to voicemail, meaning he still had it off. Not having any other choice I climbed out of my car with the manila envelope Jason had given me and walked up to the front porch at the house, standing directly in front of the door. I reached forward and rang the doorbell and huddled for warmth inside of my coat as I waited for what seemed like an eternity before someone finally answered. When the door opened I was met by a short and frail elderly man who was staring up at me waiting for me to speak. I kindly smiled at him and bowed.

“Good evening, Mr. Choi. My name is Kim Baekho. I’m one of Ren’s friends that has been trying to get in contact with him for a while. Is he perhaps in?” I asked after introducing myself. The man continued to blankly stare at me.

“Who?” He asked.

“Ren. Choi, Ren.” I replied. He scratched the side of his face.

“There’s no one here by that name I’m afraid…” He replied. I furrowed my brows. Did I have the wrong house?

“Are you sure? His older brother Minseok sent me-”

“Minseok! Oh, what a good boy that one is. He went out for a walk!” The older man happily exclaimed as he recognized that name. I stared at him in confusion. Minseok was here…? The last I had checked Minseok was back in Seoul. There was no way he could have beat me here, well, unless he took the train, but why would he come after sending me here?

“Sir, are you sure it’s Minseok?” I asked him for clarification. He paused for a moment. His face suddenly lit up and he laughed, embarrassed.

“Sorry, this old brain of mine. Minki is the one you’re looking for, isn’t he? I don’t know how many times he had to correct me already… Well, if you’re looking for him, he went out for a walk.” He replied. Minki…? Was that perhaps Ren’s real name? Of course it had to be. When the older man confirmed his knowledge of Minseok, I knew I had the right house. There were only two Choi brothers. If it wasn’t Minseok, it had to be Minki. Now that I thought about it, Ren was too uncommon a name to have ever been his real one in the first place. “You must be the lonely boy… Do you want to wait inside for him?” He strangely said then offered, making me pause. Lonely boy? What did he mean by that? Had Ren talked about me? Deciding to let it go, I politely bowed and shook my head.

“It’s okay. Can you tell me which direction he was headed?” I asked and watched as he pointed.

“He walked off towards the pier. You’ll probably find him there staring off into the ocean again.” He replied as if it were a normal daily occurrence since Ren had arrived here. Maybe it was. We said our goodbyes for the time being and I walked off in the direction of the pier in the darkness. I walked for several minutes, passing by several boat docks until I finally found the one that Ren was sitting at the edge on, his feet dangling several feet above the water that splashed in waves against the port. As I approached him from behind Ren didn’t seem to suspect a thing. He had earbuds plugged into his ears and he was listening to music with his eyes closed. I almost wanted to scold him for doing something so dangerous outside alone but decided it was best not to. I cautiously tapped his left shoulder from behind, fully prepared to reach forward and grab him in case I scared him and he ended up falling. Surprisingly this was one of the times where Ren didn’t overreact. He slowly opened his eyes and glanced back up at me over his shoulder. When he realized who I was his eyes grew wide in shock and he promptly removed the earbuds.

“… Baekho?” He asked in disbelief then winced and blinked his eyes again just to make sure he wasn’t imagining things. I sat down beside him on his left on the edge of the pier, dangling my legs with him. I forced a smile on my lips, trying to pretend as if nothing was wrong or out of the ordinary.

“You wouldn’t believe how hard it was to find you.”

“How are you here right now…? I can’t… I tried calling you so many times…” His voice trailed off. “I couldn’t reach you-”

“I know. I’m sorry. I had my phone off. I needed time.” I replied. Ren glanced down into his lap and nervously fidgeted his fingers.

“I know how that goes.” He admitted.

“But I’m here now. Let’s talk.”

“I don’t even know where to begin…”

“Then just start with the first thought that comes to mind.” I replied. Ren glanced over to his side at me.

“Do you hate me?” He asked. His words pierced straight through my heart. I was brought back to the confused thoughts that had occurred to me at first when I had just found out the devastating truth. I had debated whether or not to hate him, but I always returned back to the same answer. I couldn’t. I shook my head.

“I don’t hate you.”

“Even after learning about the accident? How can you not? I don’t… I don’t understand.” Ren replied, looking distraught and lost in his own thoughts.

“I don’t hate you because during this long week of silence, I’ve done a lot of thinking. During that time I realized something. Why did this old news suddenly surface now? It had to have been for a reason. I believe that reason being that it was simply just time.”

“Time for what though?” Ren asked me.

“Forgiveness.” I replied. “To move on.” Ren shook his head and looked away from me and out into the ocean.

“I can’t ask you for forgiveness, Baekho. I don’t deserve it.”

“If Minseok could accept it, then so can you.” As I said this Ren suddenly froze. I continued. “Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you’re erasing the past or forgetting what has happened. All it means is that you’re letting go of all the anger and pain and are moving on to a better place. And it’s okay to do that. I did it. I forgave Minseok, you, and even myself.”

“Yourself?” Ren asked, stunned.

“I blamed myself for a long time. Only recently did I just let go. But I know I can’t only give forgiveness. I have to ask for it too.” I said. Ren stared at me with wide eyes and started shaking his head.

“No, Baekho-”

“Do you forgive me?” I asked. Ren’s bottom lip trembled.

“You didn’t do anything wrong!” He protested.

“I’m asking in my parents place since they can’t be here to do that. My side wasn’t the only side that lost something important. I don’t think a particular person was completely at fault during the accident. And I know if they could be here, they would want to tell you that themselves. I can’t be selfish. I can’t play the victim because I know I’m not the only one living with pain since then.” I replied. Silent tears started rolling from the corners of Ren’s eyes and down his cheeks. He gritted his teeth.

“Damn it…”

“What is it, Ren?”

“You’re not the one that’s supposed to be saying sorry, I am.” He replied. I stared at him.

“Then say it.” I simply replied. A shocked look spread over Ren’s face before he apologetically bowed his head to me.

“I’m sorry… I’m so, so, sorry…” He hung his head in shame.

“I’ve already forgiven you… And do you? Do you forgive me and my parents for the time and opportunities lost?” I asked him. Ren continued to hang his head down but he slowly nodded while tears trickled down onto the wooden pier.

“It’s so hard to forgive… I don’t know how you make it look so easy. You’re the one who lost so much, but why is it that I’m having a harder time letting go?” Ren asked me through tears. I raised my right hand and placed it on his left shoulder, consoling him.

“Because I think it’s just your nature. When something goes wrong, you try to fix it. But since there’s no immediate solution to this problem and there’s nothing you can do, you feel resentment – not towards me or my parents, but towards yourself. It’s the hardest first step, but forgiving yourself is one you need to take.” I replied, removing my hand.

“I know. I really don’t hate you or your parents, Baekho. It was an accident. I just hate myself and who I became after.”

“When life presents you new challenges, you overcome them. That’s what I did. And you’ve done great so far.” I replied, referring to losing my parents and getting where I was today. Ren silently shook his head in disagreement.

“I did modeling because it was all I could do. But what if this wasn’t what I was supposed to do?” He asked me.

“I think all things happen for a reason, Ren. You becoming a model led you to me and vice versa. Not only that, but it lead to something even better: closure. Weren’t you secretly wishing for the day that all of this finally came to an end?”

“Of course I was.”

“I believe you’re on the right path. And whatever decision you choose to make from here I believe it will still be in the right direction too.” I replied. Ren finally looked up at me.

“You heard about me wanting to quit?” He asked. I nodded. “Are you disappointed?”

“No.” I replied. “Only you know what’s best for you.” After I said this things grew quiet between us. Ren glanced back out into the ocean again. I had a thousand things on my mind but I didn’t know how to say them. Not knowing what to say next I simply sat in silence beside him, looking out into the water as well. After several minutes had passed Ren finally turned back to look at me.

“Is that why you did it…?” He cautiously asked, making me freeze. My heart started racing. Was this it? Was he finally asking about the real Mr. Kim? I squeezed my left hand into a fist down by my side. It wasn’t as if I wasn’t prepared for this, but now that the moment had finally come I wasn’t as confident anymore.

“Your brother must have voiced his suspicions, I assume.” I said, testing him. When Ren slowly nodded in response I knew I had to tell him.

“Are you really him? Are you really Mr. Kim, Baekho?” He asked me. I stretched my arms behind me and leaned my weight on both palms as I continued to stare at the reflection of the moon in the dark water before me.

“I’m sorry, but I’m not.” I honestly replied.

“… Then who are you?” Ren’s voice started trembling. “Who is it that I’ve been talking to lately…?” He sounded somewhat fearful. I felt my heart sink down to my stomach.

“Me. You’ve been talking to no one else but me. Mr. Kim was a persona that I was hired by the real one to play out in public, but I promise you that the person you connected with was me, Baekho.” I tried to reassure him.

“That’s why you never liked to talk about work, because-”

“I couldn’t.”

“And why you didn’t recognize your own line…”

“I’m sorry I lied to you. I had no choice.” I replied. Ren shook his head.

“You did though. You chose to become Mr. Kim, didn’t you? Was that what was ‘best’ for you?” His voice began to grow heated as he swung his legs from dangling off the pier and folded them underneath him. He turned to face me. “How can pretending to be someone else ever be beneficial-”

“How can it be, Minki?” I darkly asked him back and was met with a wide eyed and stunned expression.

“How do you know that name?” He worriedly asked me, tensing up.

“I spoke to your grandfather just minutes ago.” I said. He seemed to loosen up after I answered him. Ren held his head downwards.

“I’m sorry. I thought that somehow that name had been released through the media… It’s not that I didn’t want you to know it. It’s that I didn’t want everyone else to. I switched to a stage name to avoid the accident being brought up to public knowledge. I wanted attention but never for that reason. You can understand that, right?” He asked. I nodded.

“I’m not going to make excuses as for why I did it. I’m only going to tell you the truth. You’re not the only one who didn’t like who they became after the accident. Losing my parents meant I had to do a lot of growing up in a short amount of time. I became the type of loser who couldn’t even afford to keep his lights on some months and sometimes went days without eating. I took up all sorts of odd jobs that I hated just to barely keep myself afloat. And that’s how I came across this one. I responded to a modeling ad, thinking that it would be a quick and painless way to make a quick buck. Never in a million years did I expect to be offered all that I have just to put up a front and pretend to be the designer for House of Kim. At first I hesitated. I knew it seemed wrong. But I also knew that if I did it I wouldn’t have to go through another dark night, so I became someone else and got paid for it. I didn’t realize until after I had signed the dotted line how much I would grow to regret it though.” I replied. Ren froze.

“You regretted it? Was that why you always seemed so sad?” He asked.

“To become someone else I had to give up who I was. I had zero freedom. That house might have represented endless possibilities towards someone on the outside looking in, but to me it was almost my prison… until I met you.”

“Baekho…”

“The real me isn’t Kim Baekho, but Kang Baekho. And whenever I was with you and away from the public eye, I felt like him again. I fell for you the first moment I laid eyes on you but it was always your ability to bring the best out in people that made me experience what it was like to love and trust someone again.” As I said this Ren leaned over and placed his left hand over my right one.

“It was all real, wasn’t it? I need to know or else I think I’m going to go crazy. Tell me… everything that happened between us – all of that was real, right? It wasn’t just some part that you were playing...” Ren urged me. His small shoulders started shaking behind him as if he were struggling not to cry again. I took my hand out from underneath his and placed both of them on his shoulders.

“With you I was never playing a part.” I reassured him while looking directly in his eyes to show him that I was telling him the truth. It seemed to work. Ren slowly started to calm down and relax again.

“But if you’re not the real Mr. Kim, then who is?” He finally asked me.

“I can’t tell you that. I can only tell you this much.” I replied. Ren paused.

“Is it your assistant?” He asked. I glanced off to the side, wondering if it was okay to even tell him this much. He still didn’t know who my ‘assistant’ was. Nobody did. Until now it was safe, wasn’t it?

“Yes.” I finally admitted.

“But why didn’t he want to take credit for House of Kim for himself? Why did he have to hire you to do it and why did he choose to abandon it and create a whole new company in place of the old one?” He continued to ask me dozens of questions. I slowly glanced back at him and removed my hands from his shoulders, giving him a soft, sad smile.

“That’s just something you’ll have to ask the man for himself if you ever get the chance. I can’t tell you.” I replied. Ren frowned then turned his attention back towards the ocean again. After a couple of seconds passed by he finally glimpsed back at me.

“I’m sorry I never gave you an answer.”

“It’s okay. You not giving me one was an answer in itself.” I sadly replied. A shocked look suddenly spread across Ren’s face. He waved his hands in front of him in protest.

“That’s not it at all! Before the dinner – before you arrived to the restaurant first and met with Minseok, I had my answer prepared for you. I really did Baekho, I swear. But by the time I arrived, you were no longer there. Minseok filled me in on what had happened and I even tried to call you several times but you never answered your phone.”

“Were you going to tell me that you wanted to go to me even after learning about the accident?” I asked him, not believing that he could. Even I had gone through a short period of not wanting anything to do with him. Ren had to have done the same.

“… I don’t know what I was going to tell you. All I knew was that I had to see you or at least talk to you but I never got that chance, not until now.”

“And what about now? Do you still have the same answer or do you think it’s changed after knowing what you know now?”

“What about you? Do you still feel the same way about me?” He surprised me by asking back. I froze for a couple of seconds. I slowly shook my head.

“Yes and no.” I bluntly replied. A look of hurt flashed over Ren’s face. He tightly pursed his lips together and stared down into his lap in disappointment as I continued. “Yes, because there’s a part of me that will always want you and no because I don’t think there was a part of you that ever wanted me.” I had to force myself to say. Ren immediately glanced up at me.

“What do you mean…?”

“You can’t force love, Ren. If you have to convince yourself, then that’s not it.”

“But-”

“And I also have to protect myself. I know that if I continue to blindly chase you, I’m just going to end up hurt because you’re in love with someone else.” I replied. Ren shot me a wildly offended look.

“Are you talking about JR?” Ren asked, annoyed. “I’m sick of you trying to tell me how I feel! If you even knew anything, you’d know how angry and hurt I am at JR and how I never want to see him again!” He angrily shot back at me. I blankly stared at him for a couple of moments in silence before reaching into my coat pocket and removing the post-it note that Jason had originally given me with the Chinese hotel’s number. I held it out for him to take. Ren glanced down at it then back up at me with furrowed brows, still somewhat agitated. “What’s this?”

“Turn it over.” I instructed. He finally took it from me and did as I said, revealing more handwriting. A confused look spread over Ren’s face as he stared down at it. “It’s JR’s number.” He froze as I said this before immediately crumpling the note up in his palm. He narrowed his eyes and glared at me.

“What makes you think I want his number?!” Ren snapped at me. “And how do you-” I cut him off as he was about to ask me where I had gotten JR’s number.

“Don’t you?” I asked, trying to shift his focus on the conversation so that I wouldn’t have to answer him. I hadn’t really prepared an answer for that question and if I tried to come up with one now, it would only seem more suspicious. I couldn’t be the one to reveal JR. That was something he had to do for himself. Ren paused.

“I…” Apparently my diversion worked. Ren seemed to have forgotten about it.

“I really wanted this to work, but unfortunately… as much as I hate to admit it, I don’t think I’m the guy that can make you happy. Just think about it and you’ll know I’m right. I don’t think either of us would be happy if we stayed together anyways. I would always feel some sort of guilt towards you and I’m sure you would feel the same way. Even if you don’t intend on ever going to JR, I’m sure the two of you at least have some unfinished business. You should give him a call anyways.”

“How can you say that without even wanting to try?” Ren’s eyes started to tear up again. “It feels like you’re just giving up on me without even trying. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t just let me go-”

“That’s exactly why I’m letting you go. Ren… I’m not quite sure what’s going to happen to me after the CEO of LOTUS Designs steps forward. My fate is ultimately left in his hands. Besides, I’m not sure I’ll have the luxury of being around to be in relationship anyways… And I can’t do that to you. I’m the one that took on the Mr. Kim persona and played a hand in chasing the real one out of House of Kim. I’m also the one that has to pay for my mistakes, not you. Even if the news of the accident had never come to surface, we still couldn’t have worked. I was just being selfish and foolish believing that it would.” I said, my heart tremendously aching. Ren’s shoulders began to tremble and he grew quiet for a while before finally speaking up.

“… Do you ever regret getting this close to me?” He suddenly asked while staring down into his lap.

“What?” I was stunned. “Of course not, Ren-”

“Do you ever feel like it was a mistake loving me?” He squeezed the crumpled up note in his palm. I reached forward and swept the left side of his face with my right hand, tilting his head upwards for him to look at me again.

“Loving someone is never a mistake. You were always precious to me and you always will be.” I replied, trying to be strong for the both of us. Even though none of this was ending how I wanted it to, I didn’t consider Ren a mistake or a waste of my time or effort. Silent tears started streaming down his cheeks. Why was he crying…? I should have been the one crying – and I was, quietly on the inside. I was bearing it for his sake. I moved my hand to wipe them from his face and as I did so Ren suddenly threw himself into my arms and buried his head into my chest. I paused for a moment before slowly pulling him into a hug and patting his back in a comforting pattern. Ren lifted his head from my chest and glimpsed up at me.

“Aren’t you afraid of being lonely?” He worriedly asked me. I forced a smile on my lips to hide my inner pain.

“Being alone isn’t that bad.”

“Liar.” Ren called me out. I lightly laughed before growing serious again as Ren’s question hit me hard. The thought of Ren leaving my life was an unbearable one. Could I still see him? I had already accepted his involvement in the accident. Just because we knew what had happened didn’t mean that we both had to part ways, even though it did put a damper on our relationship. But I knew myself… Although I was letting go, I was still in love with him. Even if we were to meet again some time from now, I knew it  would be impossible not to still look at him the same way I did now.

“Do you think… it’s possible that we can at least remain friends?” I asked even though I already knew the answer. I just needed to hear it from him for the closure. If he told me ‘no,’ it would probably force me to speed my feelings towards him to an end. Yes, help me end this, Ren, because I don’t think I can do it all alone. I felt Ren freeze in my arms before slowly leaning back and pulling himself out. He stared at me with his big brown eyes.

“Can we…?” It almost sounded as if he were asking for my permission. I sat frozen in silence, surprised by his response. Despite all of the things that had happened between us, from my confession to the brief fling and even learning about our tragic pasts, apparently I had made a positive and deep enough impact on him that he still wanted me around in his life. But could I really continue to be his friend? I slowly nodded despite knowing that I couldn’t. If I ever saw him again I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from trying to selfishly grab his hand, even if he was in a relationship or not. My feelings for him were just that strong. Ren leaned forward and wrapped his arms around my waist, resting the left side of his face against my chest again. “Why does it feel like such a hard concept to grasp though?”

“What concept?” I asked.

“Being friends.” Ren replied, completely flooring me. Was the decision to remain friends as difficult on him as it was for me? But… he was still in love with JR, wasn’t he?

“Your answer before the dinner must have been ‘yes’ then.” I joked to lighten up the atmosphere between us. I froze when I felt Ren suddenly nod in agreement into my chest. I glanced down at him. Of course I had a suspicion that it was going to be yes, but even then I also had my doubts about accepting his answer because of JR.

“Maybe it did take some convincing, but it was never because of you. You were always perfect. It was always the idea of letting go of him that took so long. I know my own heart. Towards the end I really did feel something for you and that’s why I was going to tell you yes. But… you’re right… All the guilt I feel towards you – how could we be together? I got mad at you when you tried to explain it because you were being realistic and I was the one stuck in some sort of fairytale, thinking that it might work… But even if we were to both try to look past this, I know I don’t deserve you.” Ren’s words were bittersweet. I paused as I gathered up the courage to ask a particular question.

“You said you felt something for me towards the end… Does that mean that at some point you actually… loved me?” I knew I shouldn’t be asking this. I was setting myself up for more heartbreak, whether the answer was yes or no.

“… Yes.” Ren nervously admitted. My heart started racing.

“When?”

“The night that you held me in my sleep.” He whispered. I was stunned to finally be hearing his feelings about that night, especially because they contrasted so heavily with mine. That night that he had slept over and I held him in my arms I felt like I was losing him. How could we have felt two different things at the same time? Maybe I was making a mistake in letting him go – “I’m sorry…” Ren pulled away from me again.

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because I’m a horrible human being…”

“And why are you a horrible human being?” It almost hurt me to hear him speak about himself like this.

“For being so complicated. For loving two people at the same time… I’m the worst. But I can’t help it. With JR it was a wild and explosive feeling. And with you it made me feel special and shy. Each love was different but it made me feel good.” Ren covered his face with his hands in shame. He loved both of us…?

“But you’re not a shy person, Ren.”

“What?”

“Your personality shouldn’t have to change for the person you want to be with.” I sadly replied, now understanding that I wasn’t making a mistake after all. The love that he described with me failed in comparison to the love that he had for JR. With JR it sounded like romance, and with me it sounded more like… well, friendship. My heart dully ached at this realization. I forced a smile on my lips. “I would never want you to change for me. The way you described your love with JR – wild and explosive – that’s how a love should feel like, where the both of you can be yourselves. If the love that you had with him was that strong… I have no place stepping in the way of that. Call the number.” I insisted. Ren opened his palm to reveal the crumpled up post-it note. He bit his bottom lip.

“If I do this… I really have to let you go…” His voice trailed off. Despite his unsure tone he was already reaching for his phone in his jacket pocket. My heart felt like it was ripping in two. He had already made his choice. I forced another smile on my lips, putting on the charade that everything was fine and that I was ok before pulling myself from the pier and standing up.

“Go for it.” I painfully replied, using everything I had in me to sound cheerful and encouraging for him. I paused as I just remembered something. I opened up my coat and removed the large manila envelope Jason had given me to deliver to him. I held it out to him. Ren glanced up at it while still sitting on the wooden pier then took it.

“What’s this?” He asked.

“It’s from Jason.” I quickly replied, in a rush to get out of here before Ren called the number. A surprised look spread across his face as he learned who it was from. Before he could question it any further I waved my right hand at him. “Goodbye, Ren.” I replied. Ren glanced up from the envelope in his left hand and gave me possibly the saddest look I had ever seen before on his face.

“Goodbye, Baekho…”

I had to get out of here. I rapidly spun around and walked back into Ren’s grandfather’s neighborhood where I parked my car further down the street. It felt like I couldn’t walk fast enough. When I got to the side of the car I unlocked the doors and stood there in the snow lifelessly staring down at the window, my heart immensely aching. My initial fear of walking past Ren on an empty street without so much as giving one another a single passing glance before going on our ways sounded like it was about to become a reality. Loving two people at once… it was strange. Maybe Ren really did. Maybe he did love me, but clearly his love for JR was stronger. If he stayed with me we would have probably both ended up miserable because of the past, not to mention the consequences I faced with the Mr. Kim persona were unpredictable and I didn’t want him to get swept up in it again. I had to convince myself that I did the right thing. Ren already had to go through an untrue scandal with me. If I could prevent it, I didn’t want either one of us to hurt, but that was impossible because at least one person was bound to. Unfortunately that person had to be me. Sometimes it really did to have to pretend to be strong…