Ren’s POV

I walked with Baekho towards the blinking tunnel of lights, completely awestruck by its simple beauty. To be honest, I was surprised that someone like Baekho would bring me here. Either way I looked at him, he was still Mr. Kim, the person responsible for House of Kim. He ran a fashion empire and lived in a heavily guarded, wealthy neighborhood in an exquisite mansion filled with luxuries. Although Baekho lived a completely different lifestyle than I did, I still managed to find similarities between us. This was a free event open to the public, but Baekho didn’t look out of place and seemed comfortable, not how I would imagine someone like Mr. Kim to react. I had been expecting for him to look anxious or even apprehensive about being here surrounded by normal people, but he seemed to just hop right in to the festivities. I thought back to what he had said about the time before House of Kim came to be and when he didn’t have money and it was just him barely managing to get by. Did he still live with this mentality? Possibly, and possibly not – I mean, he rented out a yacht the other day for me. But perhaps there were still traces of his humble upbringing left in him, something which I found to be somewhat of a relief since it meant that I wouldn’t need to spend any effort trying to impress him and could instead just be myself.

As we reached the end of the tunnel, Baekho came to a stop and released my arm. I slightly tilted my head to the side and glimpsed at him before he turned directly in front of me and placed both of his hands on my shoulders. He stared directly in my eyes. I grew slightly flustered, not understanding what was going on or why his attention was suddenly fixated on me. Finally as if to answer my unasked question, Baekho spoke up.

“Want to know a secret about this place?” He asked me. I stared back at him, wondering just what this secret could be. I gave him a skeptical look then smirked.

“A secret about here, a makeshift light tunnel that comes around yearly?” I joked. Baekho slowly nodded.

“Do you know it?” He asked, smiling. I shook my head.

“Of course not.”

“That’s because it’s a secret.”

“Tell me!” I pouted as he continued to tease me. Baekho nodded.

“Since I brought you all the way here, I’ll tell you.” He said almost as if he were doing me a favor. “Rumor has it that if you stand at this end of the tunnel, hold your breath and close your eyes until the count of ten, when you open them you’ll see the one person you wish to see the most standing at the opposite end.”

“Heyyy…” I chuckled, not believing in a word he was saying. He was just trying to pull a fast one on me, wasn’t he? I wasn’t that gullible…

“It’s true! Do you want to try it?” He asked me. I laughed and rolled my eyes at him before nodding after he had piqued my interest. Baekho continued. “Ok, close your eyes, hold your breath and count to ten.” He instructed. I closed my eyes and held my breath, slowly counting to ten in the back of my mind. When I finally finished counting, I exhaled and opened my eyes to find Baekho standing on the other end of the light tunnel with both of his arms extended in the air beside him. “See?!” He shouted from across. I snorted, trying to suppress my laughter but it was no use. I covered my mouth with my hand as I began to laugh hysterically.

“I didn’t know you were this lame!” I shouted back, smiling. Baekho ran back and rejoined me.

“I told you it would work.” He insisted. I stared at him before playfully hitting him in his chest, feeling rather embarrassed about the whole thing. Baekho smirked. As he was about to say something further, his phone suddenly rang. He reached down and removed it from his pocket. A distraught look slowly spread across his face. “It’s Jason.”

“Answer it. It’s work calling. I understand.” I replied.

“Thanks for being understanding.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll wait right here.” I reassured him and watched as he silently mouthed the words ‘I’m sorry’ before answering the call. I nodded before he turned away and hurriedly exited the tunnel of lights to tend to business matters. Once he was gone I loudly sighed and forced a smile across my lips, trying to remain optimistic about my outing with Baekho tonight. To be honest, I didn’t know what to expect when I showed up on Baekho’s doorstep. Why did I promise him that I would spend Christmas Eve with him? Wasn’t spending a holiday together too soon? It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be here with him – I just wasn’t sure what would happen. Before Baekho had suggested that we go outside, I was worried about being alone with him inside the privacy of his big mansion. By me being there, was Baekho expecting something from me? And if he was, should I give it to him?

I shook my head, trying to rattle these dirty thoughts from my head. I supposed anything was possible at this point. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t physically attracted to Baekho’s body. In fact, I’m sure this was something he already knew about me but modestly kept quiet about, being the person that he is. And it had been a long – I mean a really, really long time since I last slept with anyone. If the moment was right, who knew? But I wasn’t planning on it. My self-esteem had taken a beating that night JR had told me that he regretted kissing me. If a person like JR, normally shy and quiet, would reject me, then what about someone powerful and charming like Baekho? Although at this point I had seen enough to know that Baekho probably wouldn’t reject me, the fear was still there. But there was something else that was preventing me from possibly making a move tonight – the fear that if something more occurred, it might change our relationship status. What was so scary about becoming Baekho’s boyfriend? Nothing really, except it would mean that I was no longer single. It meant I was both unreachable and untouchable for anyone else… and that’s what really scared me the most.

I continued to watch the blinking lights in front of me as I waited. I thought back to mere minutes ago when Baekho had managed to trick me into falling for his little joke about the person I wished to see the most suddenly appearing at the end of the tunnel if I did that lame, crummy little game of his. Although it was fake, the childish side of me had awoken. The first time I had done it, Baekho had rigged the results and appeared to me on the other end of the tunnel. I wondered that if I did it again, for real this time, if the result would appear the same. To test this secret rumor of his, I closed my eyes and held my breath, slowly counting to ten. I came to a decision. If Baekho was there when I opened my eyes, I would go to him, meaning he had a 50% chance. If Baekho wasn’t there, then I was going to take it as the universe’s way of telling me that it wasn’t meant to be. I would put a stop to wasting his time waiting for me.

When I finally came to ten, I slowly opened my eyes. Although my vision was a bit blurry and hazy, I saw the outline of a person’s figure. Baekho? I squinted my eyes to get a better look. Not Baekho. Then who was this? A stranger that had wandered inside? I continued to stare, noting the two Styrofoam cups he appeared to be carrying. He was dressed from head to foot in black winter clothing. When I scanned down to his feet and spotted a pair of converse I paused for a moment, recalling someone from my past that used to own a pair just like his. My eyes suddenly grew wide and shot up from the floor and to his face. I immediately thought to look for blonde hair, however his hair was covered by a black beanie, making it impossible to detect. I glanced down, searching for his next distinguishable feature – his jawline. When I noticed the same strong, chiseled chin, my jaw dropped in disbelief.

J-JR?

I pointed across the tunnel at him, hoping that he would stick around to speak to me. I wasn’t sure what I would say to him at this point, whether I’d scream my lungs out at him and blame him for everything or beg him to come back, but something was telling me to investigate. My heart was pounding. As I started to take a step forward, he quickly spun around and speedily walked off. I started to run after him. Time felt as if it had come to a still. No matter how big of a step I took or how fast, it felt like time was working against me. When I finally came to the end of the short tunnel, a massive group of people crossed in front of me. I furrowed my brows and held my breath as I desperately tried to look above the crowd and search for him. When they finally passed, I ran forward a couple of steps then stopped when I realized that he was gone and it was pointless. My heart sunk and my body felt a new paralyzing sensation of numbness. In fact, it felt worse than the numbness I felt when he had originally left me. My legs gave out and I sunk to the ground on my knees. My bottom lip trembled. Why…? After having such a good time with Baekho…

The game…

I had played it, fully expecting to see Baekho standing at the other end of that tunnel, not JR. Was this fate’s way of telling me that Baekho and I weren’t meant to be together, and that I should keep waiting on JR? The thought of being told to wait again was too much to bear for me at the moment. By now my heart was nothing but a pile of broken glass shards. JR had never told me what I was waiting for, other than for him to become somebody important. But why did I need to wait for that? Why was becoming someone important so crucial to him that he not only threw away our relationship, but friendship as well? Fate was so cruel. Hadn’t I already suffered enough in this lifetime? And now I had to see him again right when I was taking steps to better my life? I just wanted to be happy. After JR left, I was determined to work hard and find happiness by myself. I hadn’t planned on Baekho confessing, nor had I planned on JR suddenly appearing before me again as well. Well… I couldn’t say that I hadn’t been hoping… Of course I wanted to see JR again, but he made it painfully clear that he didn’t want to see me, first by completely disappearing and becoming unreachable and again by running away just now… And besides, there was still the matter of my feelings for Baekho that were starting to grow stronger by the day. My head hurt. JR… why do you keep doing this to me...? If you don’t intend to speak to me and explain everything, then just stop appearing before me! Please…

Reality suddenly rushed back to me and I realized that I must have looked strange and pathetic sitting around on the floor in public. In fact, there were a few people standing around staring at me, questioning whether or not to get involved and check on me. This was embarrassing. I shakily stood back up and took a moment to recollect myself. Breathe, Ren. You’re ok. You’re not going to cry. I glanced back over towards the light tunnel. But… JR… why did I see you? I paused when I spotted Baekho returning to the entrance of the tunnel and step inside shortly before reemerging and looking around for me. I walked over to him from behind and reached for his right shoulder, startling him. He spun around and gave me a concerned look.

“Where were you? I thought you had left-”

“Can we just go back to your place?” I need to get out of here…

A startled look spread across Baekho’s face. “My place? Are you sure? I can drop you off at your place if you want-” Not wanting to hear those last words, I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my face into his chest. I thought I was going to be ok and be strong, but that brief encounter had shaken me more than I convinced myself to believe. When I suddenly saw Baekho, it felt as if all of my emotions were about to emerge all at once and I couldn’t hold myself together anymore. I started to sob. Baekho’s body tensed up from beneath me. “Ren…? Did something happen?”

“Not there, not anywhere… just someplace he won’t appear.” I cried into his shirt beneath his hoodie. I couldn’t go home. Home was a place where I couldn’t escape from all the traces of him. The hole in the wall, the couch we made out on, the suit still sitting in a trash bag in the corner of the living room floor that I just couldn’t muster up the courage to throw away… I just couldn’t go back there, not after that experience. I couldn’t –

“It’s okay, he’s not here. He’s not here, Ren. There’s so many people here. Whoever you saw, it wasn’t him.” Baekho tried to reassure me as he looked around, scanning the crowd. I paused when I realized his words. Was he telling me that seeing JR tonight had been nothing but a figment of my imagination?

“It was him…” I cried, refusing to believe it. My imagination couldn’t be that cruel… could it? I had certainly set myself up for it when I closed my eyes and held my breath, wishing for the person I missed the most to appear. And he did, just like magic. Unless that’s all it was… imaginary magic, an illusion of my breaking heart.

“Let’s go.”

“No!” I immediately pulled back and away from him, shoving him backwards with both hands. “Don’t ask me to go back to that place covered in nothing but memories of us… Please… Don’t make me go home…” I pathetically begged him in tears. Baekho suddenly grabbed me by my wrist and started dragging me with him. My eyes widened in horror and I fought him, purposely dragging my heels into the ground and making myself heavier. No, I can’t go back home, I just can’t –

“I’m not asking you to. I’m taking you back to my place.” Baekho said as he glanced back at me over his shoulder. As I heard his words I stopped fighting him and followed him back to his car in the parking garage. He unlocked the doors and opened the backseat door for me. I paused beside his car, covering my face with my hands in shame. I knew what I must have looked like in front of him and I was embarrassed of my own actions. I had thrown a scene in public, something I couldn’t go back from. I only prayed to god that there were no reporters around to have caught it. I didn’t care about damaging my reputation – I was still a nobody. But Baekho… he was Mr. Kim. It was scandalous enough to be considered possibly dating one of his models, but even worse knowing that he couldn’t keep them in line.

“I’m sorry. I’m such a mess…. Imagining people that aren’t even there…” I replied, utterly humiliated. Maybe it was an illusion. After all, did it make any sense for JR to appear here out of nowhere at a time when I was trying to move on?

“I’m here though.” Baekho suddenly said, startling me. I slowly looked up at him, staring at his strong, furrowed dark brows that looked worried about me. It was then when it hit me. He was right. He was here for me, just as he had always been. Looking back at it now, there had never been a time where Baekho wasn’t and never a time where he had caused me any hurt. Baekho was the complete opposite of JR. Baekho wasn’t going to hurt me, that much was clear now. But then again, when I first met JR, I would have never believed just by looking at him that he would end up hurting me this much either. Maybe that was my own downfall. JR had been as big of a mess as I was, if not even bigger. He had so many problems and he was so anti-social, despite warming up to me. What had I expected from someone who chose to live in a world of silence as opposed to someone like Baekho, a sociable person who was forced into living in one because he was a public figure? But… that was one of the reasons why I had liked JR. Because he wasn’t perfect, like me…

Stop thinking like this.

He’s gone. He’s really, really gone. And now you have someone like Baekho, who’s seen you at your worst and stuck by your side to help build you back up. He’s torn you from your apartment when you felt like you were dying and he occupied your mind with fun activities to make the thought of living seem more tolerable. He’s done everything right and all for you. There are probably hundreds of women or men that are coveting your spot, dying to be you but yet you’re still so blind… No, I’m not blind. I see his efforts. I see the way he cares about me, the way he looks at me. It’s the same look I’ve seen Aron give Minhyun hundreds of times and vice versa. Aron and Minhyun were deeply in love. If that’s the way Baekho’s been looking at me all this time, then… I really was foolish. I couldn’t believe that I had told myself that I would leave Baekho alone if I hadn’t of seen him when I opened my eyes for a second time at the tunnel. I needed someone like him in my life, someone who supported and cared deeply about me, even if he wasn’t the person I originally wanted it from.

“Yes… you are.” I softly replied. Baekho gently placed both of his hands on my shoulders and lowered me into the car, closing the door behind me. For a couple of seconds he lingered outside before walking around the car and climbing inside. He sat, buckled his seatbelt and started the car, pulling out of his parking spot and leaving the garage. We drove out onto the streets of Gangnam for several minutes until Baekho pulled up to the front security gate where he cleared his credentials and was allowed entrance back into his neighborhood. A couple of minutes later we drove through the front gate at his mansion where he parked his car out front. When the car turned off, Baekho climbed out and shut the door behind him while I continued to sit motionless with my head held down until he circled around and opened my door. The entire car ride back I had been going back and forth in my head about my emotions towards him. I hadn’t even noticed that we had arrived until I found him squatting outside the open door on the ground in front of me. Baekho glanced up at me with his kind eyes and smiled.

“Cheer up. We’re back now, away from all of those people per your request.” He said then paused. An awkward smile spread across his lips. “Maybe that’s not reassuring to you either?” He joked. It was clearly evident that he was nervous about bringing me back to his place this late at night.

“You know who he is, don’t you?” I asked him. I had never directly told Baekho who it was that had broken my heart and plagued my thoughts, however, the way he seemed to look for him back when we were at the Christmas light exhibit demonstrated that he knew. Baekho was silent for a minute as he struggled to come up with the right response.

“I’m not going to lie to you, but yes, I do.”

“I had kept it a secret for so long that not even Minhyun and Aron knew until recently. So how did you-”

“There were signs. Do you remember the day you went jogging and you walked in on our interview? The way the two of you communicated, your body language – you didn’t need to say it for me to have known.”

“But you never said anything.”

“I thought it would be unwise of me to bring it up, especially not after the way I’ve seen you suffering lately. I knew better than to say anything each time you indirectly mentioned him. That’s why I never brought up his name. Seeing you hurt like that… it tore me up inside. I hated seeing you like that.” Baekho replied. I stared at him with wide eyes, touched.

“The way you selflessly care about me-”

“It’s the same way you care about everyone else.” Baekho said, surprising me.

“What?” I asked. Baekho smirked.

“I’ve seen the way you treat Minhyun and Aron, Jason even. There hasn’t been a single one of them that weren’t hard on you at one point, but you treat them as if they hadn’t. You don’t make enemies, you make friends. You’re an amazing, good hearted person.”

I humbly glanced down into my lap, feeling flattered. “It’s not something I do on purpose. It’s just something I do because it’s just-”

“A part of who you are.” Baekho said, smiling. “You care. It comes naturally, just how making time and doing all these things for you comes naturally to me. It’s because I care about you.” He replied. I felt my face growing warm and I faintly blushed. I slowly glanced back up at him. My heart was fluttering and my thoughts were clouded. I suddenly felt overwhelmed by my emotions. His words had reached me. At this moment all I could think about was him. The way he spoke so effortlessly about his feelings, the way he made me feel as if I were the most important person in his world… The answer to my own feelings about him was starting to become clearer now.

“Hey… Baekho?” I called out to him.

“Yes-” I cut him off when I reached forward and grabbed both sides of his face and pulled him closer to me, about to kiss him when he quickly slid his right hand in front of his mouth. I paused when I felt my lips caress his palm and then pulled back with the same startled look he had on his face. I glanced down at his hand in front of his lips then back up at him.

“Why…?” I asked, upset. Baekho finally removed his hand and nervously grinned.

“I like you. And I would like nothing more than to kiss you. But not like this.” He nobly replied. I stared at him in slight hurt.

“You like me, but you just… rejected me?” I slowly asked, starting to feel old wounds slowly reopen. Baekho remained staring up at me.

“I hope you’re not mad.” He replied. I breathily scoffed in disbelief before turning my back to him in my seat. I couldn’t believe he had the nerve to say something like that after the stunt he had just pulled on me. Baekho frowned. “Oh, come on now.” He said as he reached inside the car and managed to slide me back around to face him. I felt somewhat humiliated about how easily he had turned me. Apparently I didn’t weigh as much as I thought I did. I folded my arms across my chest and turned my head away from him.

“I’m not mad, I’m upset. There’s a difference.”

“And I understand. But it’s not me you’re upset about… you’re upset about someone else.” Baekho’s tone suddenly grew serious. I paused then slowly glanced back down at him. He continued. “I would be a horrible person to take advantage of you in a situation like this. Right now you’re upset, you had a rough night, and I happened to be the one around. But what you’re experiencing right now might not be how you truly feel about me.”

“But I kissed you.” I corrected him. A small, sad smile stretched across the corners of Baekho’s lips.

“You’ll probably thank me for this later.” He replied. I shifted my gaze down into my lap, feeling a bit ashamed of my rash actions. When I had leaned in to kiss him, it had been sporadic – completely unplanned. To be honest, I didn’t know what I was thinking. He wasn’t wrong. With JR suddenly appearing before me and Baekho actually being there for me, my emotions became confused.

“Thank you.” I quietly murmured. Baekho smiled at me.

“So soon?” He asked, sounding amused that I had come around so quickly. I sheepishly nodded.

“You’re right… I am upset about-”

“Hey, it doesn’t matter anymore. You’re here now. Let’s just focus on the present – for instance, like getting out of the car.” He teased me, trying to lighten the mood. I pursed my lips before finally dropping my arms down to my sides and climbing out with Baekho standing back up and shutting the door behind me. He started walking towards the front door of his house while I lingered in the background. After unlocking the door he glanced back at me, surprised to see that I hadn’t followed him. He turned back around to face me. “Sleep on it.”

“Huh?”

“The way you feel right now – if you still feel the same way in the morning as you do now, we can always try again. I’m sorry… but I’m also looking out for my own heart too, here. Can you try to understand me?” He asked. I quickly nodded.

“Baekho, I told you before that I don’t want to hurt you. What I did just now – it was stupid. I’m so stupid. I don’t know what’s going on with me. You just have me feeling so confused lately.” I admitted.

“Is that a good or a bad thing?” Baekho hopefully asked.

“Good! I… think?” I nervously replied. Baekho raised a brow.

“You think?”

“The way I feel about you… I’m attracted to you, Baekho.” I said. A stunned look flashed across Baekho’s face before he slowly grinned.

“Is that what it was, then?”

“Huh?” I started to panic.

“Am I just so attractive that you couldn’t contain your lips?” He teased me. I felt mortified. Why was he suddenly doing this to me?

“No – yes – I don’t know!” I ferociously blushed. “I just… I’ve done some thinking lately. And I realized how much you seem to really care for me. To be honest, I’m just touched. I don’t really think I’ve ever had someone care about me to this level – I mean, I thought I did with him. But that was different and I turned out to be wrong, it seems... I’m scared to move on because I keep wanting to give that person one last chance, but so much time keeps passing and with it nothing. I keep selfishly waiting, failing to see what’s in front of me.”

Baekho quietly stared at me. “And what is in front of you?”

“Something that’s always been there. A good-hearted guy and a busy fashion designer who’s always comforted me in my moments of need.” I softly replied. Baekho smiled, appearing touched. I continued. “I mean, I don’t know how you do it all.”

“As I said, it’s about making time for the things and people you care about. It comes naturally.”

“What about House of Kim?” I asked, surprised. “Shouldn’t you be focusing more on it than someone like me?”

“House of Kim is fine. It’s ok to focus outside of it every now and then.” Baekho jokingly reassured me. “Trust me, I think I know what I’m doing.” He replied. I awkwardly smiled at him while in the back of my head I questioned him. Did he really…? I appreciated his dedication towards making time for me, but at the same time I was worried about it. Baekho seemed overly confident about House of Kim, almost to the point that he didn’t even seem to be concerned about it at all, which didn’t sound right. Although popular JA Style wasn’t as famous as House of Kim, even Jason always seemed concerned about it. In fact, I didn’t think there was a moment where he wasn’t thinking about it. He was always looking for new ideas on how to better his company, which was why he always appeared to be in a hurry or scatterbrained. But Baekho didn’t look anything like Jason – he always appeared well rested and calm. Maybe I was overthinking things again, but it just seemed strange… Perhaps Baekho had hired staff that took care of most of the things Jason probably couldn’t afford to hire staff for. Actually, that sounded more right. But if that was the case, where was all of Baekho’s staff? There was never any mention of an official office or warehouse. I also never saw anyone ever approach him or run errands for him, in fact, I always saw Baekho do it himself. I suddenly felt rather unsettled. I forced a smile on my lips.

“Why wouldn’t you?” I replied, falsely reassuring him that I wasn’t questioning his management. I finally joined him at his door where he stepped to the side and allowed me to enter first. Once inside, we both removed our shoes and entered the living room again where I sat. Baekho removed his hoodie and asked for my leather jacket, taking it and hanging it on a coat rack. When he finished he sat down on the same couch with me, only at a distance, trying to be considerate and giving me space. I tilted my head to the side and stared at him. “Do I have cooties?” I asked him. Baekho’s eyes grew wide.

“W-What?” He sounded embarrassed, as if my question had caught him off guard. I scooted closer before turning my back to him on the couch and lying down, resting my head on his lap. I stared up at him.

“I promise I don’t bite.” I . Baekho nervously laughed.

“I hope not.”

“You’re not into that?” I joked. I felt Baekho’s body tense up from underneath me before he glanced back at me with a strange look in his eyes.

“You really are blunt, aren’t you?”

“I was joking, but now you have me curious. Answer the question?” I replied, testing his reaction. I knew that if I had asked this question to JR, he probably would have turned as red as a tomato and fled the room, possibly even country. But with Baekho, I wasn’t so sure how he’d handle it. Probably not the same, right? Baekho was more confident in himself. At times he was reserved and carried himself like a gentleman would, but Baekho was aware of his looks and he wasn’t afraid to flirt, at least from what I remembered from the boat. But that hadn’t ended well for me. The moment he had seductively whispered into my ear I out and fainted. I stared up at him and waited for his response. The surprised look on his face slowly disappeared, replaced by a sudden mischievous one.

“You’d be surprised. I’m into a lot of things.” He boldly replied. Woah, woah, woah…. I felt my heart suddenly start racing as my face grew flustered. What was going on here? I was only playing around, but it seemed Baekho was starting to get into it. No, don’t let him see he’s won. Get a handle on this situation. Show him you’re in charge.

“Like what?” I pretended to ask in an unimpressed tone while staring up at him from his lap.

“Maybe one day you’ll find out.” He seductively replied. Dammit, he’s winning…

“Is that so?” I nervously cleared my throat, a bit disappointed in his response. It was kind of like dangling candy in front of a child and then throwing it away without giving it to them. He couldn’t just tease someone like this…

“Why?” Baekho asked, clearly amused. “Disappointed?” He called me out. Well, since he knew, it was no use hiding.

“A bit. Why don’t you give me a sneak preview?” I dared him, determined not to let him be the victor. Baekho suddenly grew quiet.

“The best things are worth waiting for.” He replied. I smirked. I won.

“Do you really think so?” I asked him. I felt his eyes on me for a brief moment before he finally responded with a sad smile on his lips.

“I do.” He replied, puzzling me with his reaction to my question. I paused for a moment to think. Baekho had said that he had fallen for me the very moment he first saw me, but at that time I had been preoccupied with JR. Technically we weren’t dating, but at the same time I wasn’t available. Had Baekho been waiting this whole time on me? I stared at him, stunned. As I was about to say something, Baekho spoke up. “See? It’s true.” He said as he realized that everything had just connected with me.

“Baekho…” My voice cautiously trailed off. “Do… I have to sleep on it?” I suddenly asked him, now starting to grow more sure of my feelings for him than ever. “What if I think I might already know?” I said, staring at him intently. Baekho softly smiled at me and nodded.

“I just want you to be sure of it. You can tell me tomorrow, ok?” Baekho asked. I slowly nodded, feeling slightly disappointed even though I could see his point. Maybe it would be for the best to wait even though my feelings were starting to travel more towards him and I was starting to feel more confident about going to him.

“Okay.” I replied, suddenly yawning. Baekho grinned.

“That eager for tomorrow to come?” He teased me. I paused as his comment suddenly occurred to me.

“I’m actually genuinely tired, thank you very much!” I defensively shot back, sitting up from out of his lap and folding my arms across my chest.

“You could lie and humor me anyways.” Baekho continued grinning as he stood up and motioned with his hands for me to get up and follow him. I quickly stood and trailed closely behind him down one of the long narrow hallways until he stopped in front of a door which he opened. My eyes grew wide in shock as he revealed a bedroom in front of us. I gasped.

“I thought you said tomorrow!!!” I sputtered. Baekho paused for a moment before turning to face me with furrowed brows. He stared at me before smiling and rolling his eyes. He placed his left hand on the back of my head and lightly pushed me into the room. I immediately turned around to face him.

“I told you that you could tell me your feelings tomorrow, not something else… Heh, someone’s anxious. Just what were you planning?” Baekho grinned, thoroughly enjoying teasing me. Finally he cleared his throat, becoming more serious. “But in all seriousness, get your mind out of the gutter. It’s a guest bedroom, not mine. It’s where you’ll be sleeping tonight.”

“OHTHANKGOD.” I thoughtlessly blurted out.

“Excuse me?”

“NOT… that I didn’t want to sleep with you, it’s just-” I started to ramble while Baekho blankly stared at me. After about a minute of allowing me to thoroughly embarrass myself further, Baekho smiled again and finally interrupted me.

“You should get some rest.” He suggested, seeming not to take any offense to my comments. I slowly nodded, mortified of my words and actions from today.

“Ok.” I shortly replied. THIS WAS SO AWKWARD. Baekho waved at me.

“Goodnight, Ren.” He said. I forced a smile on my lips and feigned an upbeat attitude.

“Goodnight, Baekho.” I said, watching him reach forward to shut the door in front of me. I stood still, waiting as I heard his footsteps travel further down the hall on the other side. Eventually he stopped at a room at the far end of the hallway and opened and closed the door behind him, finally calling it a night. Once he was inside of his room I heavily sighed then turned around and scanned my surroundings. Even for a guestroom it was elaborately decorated with designer furniture and paintings. I sat down on the foot of the queen sized bed and stared at my reflection in the large Victorian style mirror on the wall across from me. Despite being dead tired, I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep so easily inside of Baekho’s house, especially knowing he was just a short distance down the hallway. My heart was racing. I was nervous – not just about being here, but about my feelings for Baekho in general. After imagining JR appear before me and just as quickly disappear, I realized something. Enough was enough. He had already turned me into a mess of a person with leaving, changing his number, and even moving. But now that I was hallucinating about him – I had enough. I would not allow myself to become a crazy person too, as if I wasn’t crazy enough already. And besides, Baekho was here. Baekho was someone who cared about me. If I wanted to have any hope of being happy again, Baekho might be that chance.

I pulled my phone out and the screen, checking to see how much time had passed since Baekho had stepped inside his room. Apparently I had been lost inside my own thoughts for quite a while. It was already close to midnight. I turned off my screen and slid my phone back into my pocket and pouted. I knew I needed to sleep. I had a busy day tomorrow. Although tomorrow was Christmas, it was far from my mind because it just so happened to be the day before the big fashion show. I already imagined how busy Jason was going to keep us with preparations for the following day. I needed my rest, if not just to be able to keep up but to also avoid Jason commenting on the heavy bags underneath my eyes from crying and a lack of sleep lately. But I just couldn’t fall asleep. I was used to listening to music at night, however, I didn’t bring a phone charger with me and I couldn’t risk my battery dying and missing a potential important call from Jason. I glanced around the room again, searching for perhaps a random book lying around. When I didn’t find anything, I thought about the book case I had seen in Baekho’s living room before. Surely he wouldn’t mind, would he?

I climbed off the bed and quietly traveled towards the bedroom door where I pressed my ear against it and paused. When I determined the coast was clear, I slowly opened it at a snail’s pace and crept outside into the hallway where I sneakily tiptoed into the living room, careful not to disturb him. When I finally made it into the carpeted room I deeply exhaled, somewhat relaxing and traveling easier towards the book shelf where I stopped in front of it. My eyes scanned all of the titles on the shelf. Several of the books were in English with about a quarter of them in actual Korean. I found myself deeply impressed with Baekho’s knowledge of English. Back in high school I had practically used my English textbooks as a pillow to sleep on during class. That wasn’t to say I didn’t know it – I knew practical phrases, but not their actual use in conversation. In fact, I didn’t know much English at all. I’d probably manage to get my kicked if I were ever to travel to a predominantly English speaking country. But that really wasn’t something to be proud of or brag about, was it? My eyes continued to scan the rows of books and came to a stop as I spotted a book that had looked recently disturbed. It didn’t have a title on the binding. Curiosity getting the best of me, I pulled the rather large book from the shelf and held it in my arms to discover that it didn’t have a title on the front either. I furrowed my brows. What type of book was this?

I opened the book to a random page and looked. My eyes grew wide as I spotted several sketches of fashion designs along with tedious notes to their sides. I paused for a moment. Was this a book of Mr. Kim’s drawings? I hesitated on whether or not to turn the page. I knew that Baekho didn’t like talking about work outside of it, but it was also that sole reason that had me utterly curious to look the most… But looking at something as top secret as a designer’s sketchbook was wrong on so many moral and legal grounds. It wasn’t like I was going to steal or run away with any of his ideas, was I? I fought myself on whether to continue or not but ended up subconsciously turning to the pages towards the back of the book. I was surprised to see that a large portion of the back was simply handwriting. I quickly scanned a page and froze after realizing what I read wasn’t notes but pre-written interview questions and answers instead, as if the book was some sort of guide. But… why would he –

I flipped back towards the front of the book and observed the detailed notes beside each of the sketches of the most recent line from House of Kim. Everything from the fabric and stitches used to piece together each garment plus their construction time was almost too conveniently listed, as if the book itself were indeed meant for someone else to study.  Was this really a study guide? But why would Baekho have something like this… Was he planning on stepping down from House of Kim and passing his knowledge down to somebody else? I felt my heart sink down to the bottom of my stomach with a sense of dread. It was all too horrible a thought to imagine Baekho ever stepping down. Who else but the original Mr. Kim could run such a company? And if Baekho quit, who would make the designs? A House of Kim without Mr. Kim wouldn’t be the same, ever. Even having notes to go by, the designs would never be a Mr. Kim original. I paused as a sudden thought occurred to me. What was with those pre-written interview questions in the back? Those questions and answers didn’t make sense. It almost sounded like he was intending for someone not only to take his place at the company, but to actually replace him as a person as well. Unless… this book belonged to someone else?

“I’m still not sure about Mr. Kim.”

“What do you mean?”

“I really do believe he’s underqualified to be who he says he is.”

“Minhyun, are you trying to say that he’s not the real Mr. Kim? Come on, be serious here. What are the odds of something as crazy as that happening?”

I kept on hearing my conversation with Minhyun in the back of my head. The way Minhyun had painted him, along with this book I wasn’t so sure I should even be looking at, it almost seemed as if Baekho wasn’t who he said he was… No, I was definitely starting to sound crazy now. But… With Baekho seeming clueless and unprofessional at times, not to mention not recognizing his own line of clothes or ever wanting to talk about work… it didn’t seem too farfetched an idea for Baekho not to be who he said he was. If that were to be the case, then who was the hypothetical real Mr. Kim and where and why was he hiding? I shook my head. No, this was all too insane and difficult for someone to pull off. I mean, if this were true, then we would be talking about replacing an actual human being here. Unless the book was Baekho’s and he really was planning on training someone else to replace him. My head started spinning from all of these complicated thoughts, neither of which made any sense. I wondered though… how did Jason fit into any of this –

I froze when I heard the sound of Baekho’s bedroom door open, followed by the sounds of his footsteps traveling down the hall towards the living room. I scrambled to place the book back on the shelf and grabbed an English titled book in return and opened it to a random page to make it seem as if I had been reading it. I stared down at the foreign print. What the hell was this? I heard Baekho’s footsteps come to a halt in the living room doorway. I nervously glanced up to see him tiredly staring at me. He was dressed in a loose fitting black tank top, revealing all of his tattoos again, and a pair of black pajama bottoms. He yawned then stretched his arms out beside him.

“What are you doing up?” He asked.

“I couldn’t sleep.” I replied, guiltily closing the book. “Sorry for going through your things-”

“You know English?” Baekho stared at me with intrigue. He hadn’t questioned or noticed that I had seen that strange book of his. I awkwardly nodded before placing the English book back up on the shelf and turning back to face him.

“Y-Yes? A little bit. I was up for a challenge anyways.” I painfully lied my way out of the situation. Baekho smiled.

“It’s fine. They’re all books that were given to me anyways.” He admitted. I paused.

“All… of them?” I wearily asked. Baekho gave me a strange look.

“Yes?”

“I see.” I replied, still thinking about the handwritten book of secrets that I had found just moments ago on his shelf. Was that really not his? Should I ask about it? No. What if it was given to him by the real Mr. Kim? Then that made him an imposter. But if it really was his, then that meant he was secretly preparing it for someone else to replace him… I was now beginning to understand why he never wanted to talk about work. Either he simply didn’t know or he was preparing to do an ultimate switch himself.

“Why?” Baekho suddenly asked. Oh .

“Uhhh, nothing really…” Think, Ren, think. “You just have a lot of English titles is all!” I nervously stammered. Good, Ren. You did good.

“A lot of those were actually gifts from Jason.” Baekho said, surprising me.

“Jason?” I asked, not even hiding my shock. Why would Jason have given him all of those books? Baekho paused.

“Is it that strange?” He asked.

“No! I just thought that you two… you know, didn’t get along that well.” I replied. An awkward look flashed across Baekho’s face before he reached backwards and scratched the back of his neck.

“The two of us have known each other for a while. We’ve been around in this business for the same amount of time, in fact, it’s how we met. Since then we’ve always been helping one another out behind the scenes. It’s really nothing – this collaboration is me doing him another favor.” Baekho seemed to cautiously explain. I blinked, thinking back on the conversation I had overheard of theirs when Jason had been in the hospital.

“The way that you had talked down on Jason that one time-”

“Think of it as a conversation between two really old friends, or brothers.” Baekho almost seemed to strain himself on those last few words of his.

“But…” My voice trailed off, still unsure. He had an answer for everything…

“But what?” He asked.

“You say your relationship is more like ‘friends’ or ‘brothers,’ but… why does it seem like he’s the one ordering you around?” I asked. Baekho froze for a moment before awkwardly grinning.

“I thought it was obvious just by looking at me – he’s older.” Baekho explained.

“Is that really it?” I asked, skeptical. “But your company is clearly the most well-experienced-”

“I know standing inside of this house right now might make what I’m about to say sound hypocritical, but I try to live modestly. It wasn’t until I was told to reveal myself to the world did I start living like this. All of this that you see around you? It was all for the sake of other people, not me. None of this is me. But my real self wasn’t enough for the face of House of Kim – that’s why I hid for so long.”

“Then what is your real self?” I asked, staring across the living room at him. A sad, sullen look seemed to flash across his face. My question had clearly touched a soft spot and bothered him.

“Nothing like this.” Baekho replied, shifting his gaze down towards the floor. I started to feel guilty about the sudden downward change in the atmosphere. I walked over and stopped in front of him.

“It’s okay.” I reassured him, reaching up with my left hand and gently caressing the side of his face. Before I had come out of my room, I had already made the decision in my head that I would give Baekho a chance. But after reading those passages from that secret book of his, I started having some doubts and feeling rather uneasy about him. He was the whole package – tall, attractive, sweet, he could cook fairly well, oh, and he just so happened to be my favorite designer – well, supposedly. He had several of the traits that I looked for in a guy. But were any or all of these traits false? Or was I just overthinking things again and possibly ruining another shot at happiness that fate was throwing at me? I was fairly certain that I liked Baekho enough and I didn’t want to risk giving in to my crazy delusions. Besides, I also wanted to know more about that book. It was always best to do more research before blaming someone who might be completely innocent. I smiled at Baekho. “That’s something I can find out on my own.” I replied. Baekho immediately glanced up.

“You seem to have really made up your mind.” He replied. “Are you sure it’s me?” He cautiously asked. I laughed.

“I tried kissing you and even had a flirting game with you. I have a pretty good idea.”

“But… are you certain?” Baekho asked, sounding concerned. “I know you had a rough night. Seeing someone important from your past – be it an imaginary or real event, always stirs complicated emotions.”

“You were always there for me.”

“But is that enough?” Baekho suddenly asked, startling me. I paused as his words reached me. Was being there the only important thing that seemed to matter in my life? My parents and my older brother hadn’t always been there for me in my life, and yet, I still loved them, didn’t I? Then why was I being so critical on JR, who hadn’t always been there either? Was that really all that mattered to me? Not the many good times we had, or the things we bonded over, but simply not being around? But then again, my family had never thrown me around like a rag doll either like JR had done consistently. My hand fell down to my side from Baekho’s face. I gave him a hurt look.

“It almost feels like you’re trying to push me away.” I replied. Baekho quickly shook his head.

“I’m not.”

“Then why won’t you believe me?” I insisted.

“Because I don’t think you believe yourself.” Baekho replied. I narrowed my eyes and glared at him, somewhat offended and not liking his answer. It was true that he had liked me for a while, but he still barely knew me. In fact, we were still in the ‘talking’ phase and learning things about one another. But for him to make an assumption like this… it didn’t sit right with me.

“Do you really think you know me that well?” I shot at him.

“I don’t. But I do know you tried kissing me after experiencing a rather heartbreaking event. I don’t want to be a replacement or become some sort of tool that you use to try to get over someone else. I don’t. I just want you to see and like me for me – I want you to like me for the exact same reason I like you.”

“For god’s sakes, he’s out of my life. He changed his number, he moved – all because he doesn’t want to deal with me!” I snapped, frustrated with the fact that all conversations always went back towards the topic of JR. I paused as a sudden thought occurred to me. “I think… that might be the reason why I must have imagined seeing him tonight. Not because I missed him, but because of how much hurt and shock I experienced when I came to learn about these facts.”

“And how did you come to learn about these facts?” Baekho asked with a grim look on his face.

“Aron.” I replied.

“Aron?”

“Aron was his friend too… sort of. Aron must had tried getting a hold of him and failed – I don’t know. I didn’t ask him to tell me, he just did. I’ve been trying to live my life ever since JR left. And then you came along and started stirring my emotions…”

“And you’re attracted to me.” Baekho added. I glanced up at him and narrowed my eyes at him.

“Now’s not the time to tease me!” I exclaimed.

“Which is it, Ren? Do you like me? … Or are you just attracted to me?” Baekho asked a difficult question for me to answer.

“I think… a little of both.” I reluctantly answered. I certainly was starting to feel something towards him. Attraction had been there since day one, I believed. Slowly by slowly, through the things he did and said, I was starting to fall for him – not the fantasy or notion of being with Mr. Kim, but him. But these feelings still weren’t very strong yet. I assumed that with time, they would. After all, I hadn’t been madly in love with JR the first time I saw him or the first time we started talking. It started with attraction too and then skyrocketed after we started hanging out more and more. I was willing to try that now with Baekho though.

“You think?”

“I never imagined a situation where you would fall for me, and so the thought of you and I never occurred to me until you flat out admitted your feelings towards me. Only then did I start to question it and slowly picture it. Before then and even now it’s almost like a sort of forbidden thought. But the more I think about it, the less I think of him. The thought of you and I… excites me in way that I haven’t felt in a long time. I think… that the things I did and said today might be a result of years of unreleased ual frustration, and I think everything just came out the way it did because of how important and special you made me feel… I feel closer to you… and I feel like I’m open to the idea of getting even closer now. Anyways, if I made you uncomfortable, I’m sorry.” I apologized after explaining my behavior, however, it seemed like Baekho had only heard part of what I had said. He looked away from me, seeming somewhat flustered.

“You mean you never…” His voice trailed off unnervingly. There was a moment of awkward silence between us before it finally clicked what he was trying to ask.

“Slept with JR?” I asked the question that Baekho seemed hesitant to ask first. I disappointedly shook my head. “It never happened.” I quietly replied. Baekho slowly started turning to face me with a curious look on his face.

“And it’s been years?” Baekho asked. I glared at him.

“Alright, now you really must be making fun of me.” I huffed then folded my arms across my chest and turned my back to him. Baekho reached for my right elbow and quickly turned me back around to face him, startling me. I stared across at him with big, wide eyes.

“…You said that I excited you?” He asked, looking me straight in my eyes. I paused. My heart start to race as I felt his hand on my arm. I nervously bit my bottom lip and timidly nodded, wondering what might happen next. When Baekho noticed me staring down at his hand on my arm he awkwardly released it and let his hand fall down to his side. He glanced back up at me. “What… about me excites you?” He suddenly asked, making my heart start to race again.

“Well… you’re sincere.” I nervously said.

“I am?” Baekho asked.

“What, you didn’t know?” I laughed, starting to somewhat panic while wondering where this was going. “And um… you’re s-y too...” I replied, slowly taking steps backwards as I noticed Baekho taking small steps towards me. We came to a stop as we traveled the short distance and my back hit the wall of the arched doorway frame.

“… What about me is y?” He continued to press while staring at me with a seductive, lustful look in his eyes. It was as if a completely different person seemed to awaken inside of him.

“Your tattoos.” I sputtered out the first thought that came to mind. Baekho glanced down at the tattoo of a star on his chest – just one of many, before glimpsing back up while biting his lower lip. I didn’t know why but this image of him sent bumps across my skin. He was just so handsome, so perfect… Judging by the small grin in the corners of his lips he must have liked my answer.

“Keep talking.” He replied, edging closer to me.

“A-And your body.” I started to feel my own body tremble from our dangerous and close proximity.

“What about my body?” He hungrily asked, moving in closer to me and nuzzling the side of his face against the right side of my neck. I suddenly felt his warm lips brush against my collarbone. My eyes widened in shock and I slightly gasped before melting into his touch. I closed my eyes and threw my head back.

“I-It’s very muscular… a-and toned…” I tried to compose myself enough to say before breathlessly starting to pant as I felt Baekho start to on the skin on my neck. “B-B-Baekho, what are you doing? I thought – tomorrow-” I said while desperately fighting the strong, rising urge within me not to just take him right here and now. The ual side of me that had been resting for so long was reawakening and I was finding it harder and harder to resist the more he touched me.

“It’s already tomorrow.” Baekho whispered before returning to my neck. It was then when it occurred to me – it was already past midnight. I gasped as I felt Baekho reach down, grabbing each of my thighs and raising my legs up onto his hips while propping me against the wall. He planted a trail of wet kisses leading up my neck until he reached my lips where he used his tongue to part them and enter my mouth. I didn’t fight him. Instead, I craved him. I brought my legs up and firmly circled them around his waist as I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around his neck, tilting his head upwards and crushing my lips on his, shifting my weight off of the wall and onto him. Baekho stumbled backwards a few steps before regaining his balance and carrying me off down the hallway and into his bedroom where he threw me on top of his king sized bed. He remained standing in front of me just long enough to pull off his own shirt over his head, tossing it somewhere in the room behind him. Following his example I started to reach down for the hem of my own shirt, grabbing it with both hands when Baekho also reached forward and grabbed a hold of it, helping me raise it up and over my head and tearing it away from me. Baekho seductively crawled on all fours on top of the bed and climbed on top of me with the movement of a tiger hunting its prey. He provocatively smiled down at me but then stopped, almost as if he were testing or teasing me by making me wait, or so I thought. Baekho’s eyes suddenly grew wide in shock as the smile on his lips slowly dissipated. He almost seemed to blank out for a moment. I furrowed my brows and froze. A dreadful sensation spread over me as old wounds and fear resurfaced yet again.

“… Did I do something wrong?” I timidly asked.

“We shouldn’t be doing this.” Baekho uncomfortably replied. It was almost like a harsh cold slap to the face. My heart sunk at how familiar this all felt, almost as if I was experiencing Deja vu. No, not again…

“W-What do you mean?” My bottom lip trembled as I fought to remain calm. As if sensing my fear, Baekho laid down beside me on the bed, reaching over and wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into a back embrace.

“I treasure you too much to hurt you. I told you that we needed to wait but I was the one that didn’t listen. It’s my fault for this. I lost control when you told me all of those things… It’s no excuse. I’m sorry, Ren.” Baekho apologized. Silent tears suddenly started to flood the corners of my eyes, surprising even myself. Apparently the pain building up inside of me hurt more than I was willing to admit. I quietly suppressed them.

“I don’t want to hear apologies anymore…” I said while blankly staring across the room and keeping my gaze fixated on the wall, feeling rejected. Although Baekho was holding me, it was as if his warmth had vanished and I couldn’t feel him. I couldn’t feel anything it seemed, except for pain.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Baekho suddenly said, startling me and making me pause. He wasn’t… going anywhere? I relived that horrible scene in my head back inside of my apartment when I had threatened JR to never see him again if he left and then watched as he cruelly did. I snapped back into reality to see the wall inside Baekho’s bedroom. That’s right – it was Christmas Eve and I was in Baekho’s house, spending the night. I glanced down at his arms wrapped around me, finally starting to feel their warmth again. I slowly turned around inside of his arms to face him and stared into his dark brown eyes that intently stared back into mine.

“Is that something you can promise?” I worriedly asked. He nodded.

“I wanted to hold you like this for so long. I want to stay like this with you for as long as you can.” He whispered into my ear. I softly smiled through my tears, touched by his words. But there was also something strange about them too.

“As long as I can? What’s with you?” I asked. Why had he said it like that just now?

“Just… stay with me. Like this.” He said, pulling me in closer without answering my question.

“Okay.” I replied, dropping it and scooting closer to him to make myself more comfortable. I shut my eyes and waited for sleep to come. Despite all of the buildup that ended up resulting in nothing, for some reason it felt okay. Normally if something like this would have happened in the past with any of my ex-boyfriends, I would have been angry at them. Calming myself down after something like this almost felt impossible. But this time I wasn’t mad. When Baekho had stopped me, inside of my mind I was already imaging Baekho doing the same thing JR had done and walking away or kicking me out, but he didn’t. Instead he had pulled me in closer to him and told me how much I meant to him while promising not to do the only thing I truly feared. And as crazy as it sounds, despite somewhat doubting him and his credibility earlier, I believed him. It didn’t take long for me to lose myself inside of his arms and finally drift off to sleep.

 

 

In the morning I was awoken by the sound of my cellphone ringing somewhere on the floor within Baekho’s room after it must have slipped out of my pocket last night. As soon as my ears picked up on my familiar ringtone my eyes snapped open mid-sleep and I immediately sat up. I instantly realized that Baekho wasn’t in bed. Before I could question where he was, my thoughts were drawn back to the task of finding my phone. I hazily climbed out of bed but ended up getting my left foot caught in the sheets and crashing to the ground. I whimpered and winced in pain before I started crawling around, searching for my phone. When I finally found it, it had stopped ringing and I had missed the call. When I turned the screen on to see who had been calling, I was startled by the notification of not just one missed call, but several, all from none other than Jason. My heart immediately sank. What time was it? My eyes grew wide as I glanced at the time on the right corner of the screen. It was already close to 9 AM. I was supposed to be at Jason’s studio for practice at 8. Suddenly my phone started to ring again in my palm, startling me and making me shriek. I quickly calmed myself and answered the phone.

“Hello-”

“WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!” Jason’s seething voice screamed at me from the other end of the line. “This is the day before the show! You cannot be doing this to me now! Now where are you?!”

“I-I’m at home.” I lied. I couldn’t tell him where I really was or what I had been doing over at Baekho’s house. “I overslept. Sorry, I’ll be there as fast as I can!”

“Get here, now!” Jason angrily hung up on me. I could just feel his rage. Needless to say, I didn’t need to be told twice to get moving. I recollected my shirt and tugged it on. Once I had quickly redressed, I called a cab and hurried out of Baekho’s room and down the hall where I happened to pass by him standing in the kitchen while on my way to the front door. For a brief second I felt relieved that he was still here – as funny as that sounded. I came to a halt and glanced over at him in a panic. It seemed like Baekho had already been up for a while. He looked showered and completely made up and ready for the day.

“Jason just called. I need to get going. I’m already in a lot of trouble.” I explained. Baekho walked around the kitchen counter and met with me near the front door.

“I’m sorry, I would have waken you if I had known…” He guiltily said, watching me as I pulled my boots back on.

“It’s not your fault, it’s mine.” I dismissed his thought. When I stood back up straight Baekho surprised me by placing my white leather jacket on over my shoulders. I glanced back at him and smiled. “About last night…” My voice nervously trailed off. I knew we still had to have a conversation about everything that had happened last night and pick up on what I was told to sleep on, but I didn’t know how to start it. Baekho returned the same nervous grin as if he somehow felt the same way.

“I’ve never slept so soundly.” He joked in an effort to change the subject. I laughed.

“Me too.” I replied, embarrassed. Baekho laughed in return.

“Glad to hear it.” Baekho reassured me, unlocking and opening the front door. “Do you need me to give you a ride?”

“No thanks. I don’t want to get you in trouble too now. I called a taxi to meet me outside of the main gate. I’ll walk the rest of the way, no worries.” I replied, not wanting to risk any reporters seeing us together. Baekho nodded. There was an awkward silence between us that seemed to last forever until I broke it by finally turning to exit Baekho’s house. Right as I stepped out onto his porch Baekho called out to me.

“I’ll see you tomorrow after the show? Am I still meeting with you and your brother?” He asked me. I glanced back and smiled and nodded.

“Of course. I already called Minseok. He says he can’t wait to meet you.” I replied. Baekho smiled back at me.

“That’s a relief.”

“You were worried? Don’t be. Minseok likes everyone and everyone likes him. You’ll be fine. Anyways, I gotta get going-”

“About… what I told you to sleep on yesterday… have you given it anymore thought? Have you come to a final answer about the way you feel about me?” Baekho finally asked me before shifting his gaze downwards, almost as if he were afraid to hear the answer. I paused for a brief moment, remembering falling asleep in his arms last night, before smiling again.

“I think I have.” I shyly answered. Baekho’s eyes immediately looked up at me to read my smiling expression. His face slowly lit up. Before he could say anything I quickly waved goodbye. “But I’m running short on time! I’ll tell you after practice! I’m late! See you soon!” I cheerfully exclaimed before turning and running outside in the cold winter air, in a hurry to get down to the studio before Jason fired me. By the time I reached the main gate of Baekho’s neighborhood, I was already panting, heaving for air. I climbed inside of the taxi and had him take me home first where I was quick to shower and redress in training clothes before taking the bus back into town and walking the remainder of the distance.

By the time I actually walked inside of the shop level of Jason’s studio, I was already two hours late. The front saleswoman gave me a startled look before rushing me upstairs after reminding me of how late I was. When I entered the practice room all of the models had been walking in a line in the length of the room, practicing the show with the prearranged music. Jason, who had been clapping his hands to the rhythm of the music to keep the models on track, tore his gaze from them and glanced over at me. I could feel his eyes piercing straight through my soul. Not having the time to deal with me, he waved his hand and silently urged me to join the lineup. I quickly ran and took my spot behind Minhyun who shot me a rather shady look before returning to minding his own business and the task at hand. After the run through was complete, Jason ran the show again and again. Practice ended up lasting until deep into the evening. By the time Jason had finally released us, it was already 7 PM. As the room cleared out, Aron collapsed onto the floor, groaning.

“Are you alright?” Minhyun asked, visibly concerned. Aron weakly nodded with a faint smile on his lips.

“Good! Everything’s good!” Aron replied, not wanting to complain even though it was obvious how tired he was after working an almost 12 hour day. He yanked off his shoes and painfully winced as he removed his socks, revealing his blistered and swollen feet. I stared down at them in horror then back up at him.

“Dear god, is that all from today?” I asked. Aron stared at me as if I were stupid.

“Of course not. It’s from weeks of training on a treadmill with Dambi-noona at the gym.” Aron replied. I was stunned.

“I trained with her and I my feet never looked like that.”

“You only wanted to improve your walk. I asked for the full experience. , you think my feet are bad, you should see hers. Her feet are actually deformed from forcing them into shoes that didn’t fit but making them look as if they did just long enough on the runway. You want to see the prime example of dedication? Just look at her.” Aron replied as Minhyun slowly sat down on the floor next to him, removing his own shoes to reveal his similar purple and blistered toes. His left big toe was curved inwards, almost as if he had broken it at one point but never sought treatment. I thought of my own two feet, feeling guilty that mine didn’t look anything near theirs.

“This is what it’s like.” Minhyun said, staring up at me. “If you thought modeling was all about the glamour and having fun, you chose the wrong profession. This is the reality of it all. Broken, blistered feet, times of little rest, eating disorders and gym-aholics.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked, growing taken aback.

“Why were you late? For what good reason do you have to miss the practice before the big show?” Minhyun judgmentally asked. I paused.

“I don’t have one. I overslept.” I replied. Minhyun dryly laughed.

“Well, at least you’re being honest about it, huh?” He sarcastically replied before pulling his socks and shoes back on and standing. He stood in front of me, giving me an intimidating, icy glare. “Pull yourself together. Tomorrow’s a big day for all of us.” He said then walked off, exiting the practice room. I tightly pursed my lips together, hurt by Minhyun’s comment but accepting of it, knowing that I was indeed in the wrong.

“Meh, don’t let him get to you. He’s just nervous about tomorrow.” Aron replied from the floor. I glanced down at him then offered him my hand to help him up. He smirked then took it. I pulled him up to his feet and he dusted his rear off. “Besides, even if he’s mad, he won’t be mad at you for long. I kind of did a thing… well, you’ll find out what it is tomorrow.” He said, making me wonder what this ‘thing’ was that he did that was bound to upset Minhyun. Since he had said I’d have to wait until tomorrow, I figured it was pointless to ask about and let it go.

“Aren’t you nervous too?” I asked him.

“You kidding me? Noona prepared me well enough for this, I think. If anything, I’m excited. What about you? You nervous?” He asked me. I nodded.

“A bit.”

“Ah, you’ll be fine. Just don’t trip and you’ll be golden. Speaking of golden, I finally managed to get rid of my one invitation.” Aron replied. I gave him a curious look.

“Oh, really? Who?”

“Noona!” Aron happily exclaimed. I paused, feeling unsure.

“Are you sure you want to invite her to Jason’s show? You know as well as I do that the two of them don’t exactly get along.” I hesitantly replied. It wasn’t that I didn’t want her to come – in fact, I’d love it if she did, but it was a little bit weird. Jason was the one that had supposedly put an end to Dambi’s career and ever since the two have been at each other’s throats. I thought back to the first show that I had walked and both Dambi and JR were in attendance. I remembered Jason threating to have security throw her out. What would stop him from actually doing so this time around? Aron shrugged, as if he really hadn’t given their relationship any thought.

“She seemed eager to accept the offer. Hey, come on. You know she doesn’t let personal relationships interfere with other people. And besides, this is like a dream come true. You only know that she’s my hero. It’s an honor to have her come and watch me – and you too, I guess.” Aron joked after reminding me of this truth. It was true that Dambi didn’t let her personal relationships interfere with others. I reluctantly smiled at him.

“Well, as long as she’s okay with it.” I replied, still feeling uneasy. Aron patted me on the shoulder.

“Anyways, take this from your senior. Don’t stress about tomorrow. Just go home, take a rest, and show up ready for tomorrow. You’ll do fine.” He replied, even though I wasn’t too worried. A bit of nervousness was to be expected, but I was in the same boat as Aron was. With all of the preparation we had done so far, I felt as if I was ready for it, not to mention excited as well, despite arriving late today.

“You too.” I said, surprising him. He gave me a strange look.

“Huh?”

“Remember to rest too.” I reminded him. Aron grinned as if he had somehow forgotten about himself.

“Heh, yeah, I guess so. Thanks, man. Good luck tomorrow!”

“Same to you.” I warmly returned before Aron waved goodbye and ran out of the practice room, leaving me all alone. Once it was just me, I glanced around to check just in case before I walked up to the stereo and hit the play button, playing the playlist from the show for tomorrow, taking it upon myself to make up for those two hours of missed practice despite being tired. What Minhyun had said had really gotten to me. What was I doing lately these days? Just playing around? It seemed that I had forgotten the real reason why I was even here – to model. It had taken me everything I had just to make it here. But now I was letting the people around me down all because I had lost focus. Minhyun was right. I was the second lead. I did need to pull myself together because tomorrow a lot of people would be depending on me. I started to practice all of my parts in the show all by myself, imagining the other models’ presence in my head. I had only gotten into the second song when suddenly I noticed a redhead standing in the doorframe of the practice room, watching me with his arms folded across his chest. When he noticed me spot him, Jason entered and walked towards the stereo, turning it off. I immediately started to apologize and explain myself. “Jason, I was just-”

“I know what you’re doing, you don’t need to explain to me.” Jason coldly stated, staring at me. Despite his ill-sounding tone, the look on his face seemed otherwise. Jason actually looked somewhat impressed with me, but I didn’t dare say anything. “If you’re going to make up those hours you missed, it’s pointless to practice alone. The other models weren’t alone when they were practicing, were they?” He asked. I shook my head.

“No, they weren’t…” I replied. Jason suddenly turned the music back on and restarted the playlist. He started clapping his hands to the beat.

“Start from the beginning. Let’s go.” He instructed. I smiled at him and nodded.

“Yes sir!” I cheerfully exclaimed then ran towards the back of the room. As I turned I swore I saw him actually smile at me before quickly letting it fade. For the next couple of hours Jason mentored me, running me through the entire length of the show a countless number of times until my time was up. Although he had been angry with me earlier, he had managed to let go of it while he trained me, clapping to keep me on tempo and directing me whenever I needed it. I felt as if I could keep going the entire night. However, Jason brought the practice to a stop and finally told me to go home. I reluctantly agreed after several failed attempts to stay a little longer. As I was about to leave, Jason placed his hand on my shoulder as I passed him, stopping me.

“You know that out of all the models here, you’re my most important one, don’t you?” He spoke underneath his breath into my left ear, startling me. I slowly turned to stare at him with furrowed brows, questioning the sudden dark change in his tone and behavior.

“Me? But what about Aron? He’s the Top Model… And what about Minhyun? He was your Top Model for years-”

“Ren, let’s get real here. You know how special you are to me. I never tried hiding it. I scouted you off the street off your beauty alone, I gave you a special contract, and I’ve given you numerous chances for your screw-ups, something the other models don’t have or get. You and only you and that fashion show collaboration with House of Kim are what’s going to save me now. I need for you to remain focused enough at least until after the show tomorrow. Don’t mess this up for me.” Jason replied, sounding distraught. I stood frozen in stunned silence. What did he mean by saving him?

“So everything I’ve received here… it really has been special treatment…” I replied, starting to feel my stomach twist itself into knots. “The reason being because you think my looks can save your company?” I asked him, deeply confused. Jason removed his hand from my shoulder and frowned.

“Since we’re being truthful, yes. That’s what it’s always been about. That’s why I followed you that day on the street, even at the risk of being called a ‘ert.’ When I saw you, my immediate thoughts were: he’s the one.”

“And what if I can’t save you? I’m the worst person to have picked for something like this. I just wanted to model, but these days I can’t even seem to do that right either.” This was just crazy. The ‘one’? Save a company? JA Style was by no means suffering. It was still a popular fashion brand worn by idols and celebrities alike. What did it need saving from?

“After tomorrow’s fashion show, JA Style is bound to rise even further on the market. I might even surpass House of Kim’s current stocks. But I can’t do it with the fashion show alone. I needed an ace – a weapon. You are that weapon, dear. You are a sleeping giant – an exotic face that everyone else passed on because they didn’t want to spend the time to see your true potential. Truthfully, it doesn’t matter to me if your personal life is a train-wreck. As long as you do the job well and get it done, that’s all that matters. But if you continue to make things difficult for me, such as showing up late or missing practices, things will start to get difficult for you.” Jason ominously warned. I worriedly furrowed my brows.

“What do you mean by that?”

“You think I don’t know what you’ve been doing with Mr. Kim behind my back?” Jason asked. I immediately felt my heart drop. How did he – how could he know? I had barely even started talking to Baekho myself… unless… did Baekho talk? I suddenly recalled him mentioning their supposed ‘brother-like’ relationship.

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I denied his accusations. Jason scoffed.

“Let’s just continue to live in denial, shall we? Whatever helps people like you and I sleep at night.”

“Like you and I?”

“There are many truths about myself that I don’t particularly like. But in order to live with myself and all my choices, I keep telling myself more and more lies. Eventually it all builds up and then, what do you know? You’re in the hospital.” Jason darkly murmured, folding his arms across his chest. “Spare yourself the trip. You can be truthful with me. I won’t tell anyone else, but it’s something I need to know so that if the public is made aware, I can help you deny it to the end.”

“But you just tried to threaten me with Baekho.” I replied in disbelief. Jason’s face lit up, amused.

“Baekho, is it? The two of you are on a first-name basis? Interesting.” Jason smirked. “It appears I wasn’t wrong about you two then. I’d be more careful of who you refer to him by that name in front of.” So Baekho hadn’t talked. Jason had just been cleverly assuming things.

“What did you mean by making things difficult for me? And how does that involve Baek – Mr. Kim?” I corrected myself.

“Indeed, how does it involve Mr. Kim? I wonder.” He innocently smiled at me. “As long as you are under contract with me, you do as I say. Legal consequences are always a last resort. I have other methods to make you comply.”

“Tell me!” I desperately demanded. I didn’t like this. I didn’t know how to save his company… I had no way of helping him, other than walking the runway for him. And that seemed to be all that he wanted. I was already here for that anyways though. Was it really necessary to do all of this?

“I can drop you just as easily as I took you on.” Jason warned. I stared at him.

“But you just said-”

“That you’re my secret weapon? My ace?” He asked me. I remained silent, somewhat fearful. Jason scoffed. “Just because you’re special doesn’t make you untouchable. Nobody wanted you until I had you. But once word gets out that you’re bothersome to work with, you’ll end up in Minhyun and Aron’s position. They’re only here because nobody else would take them and I needed a couple of seasoned models and they happened to be available. A bad reputation is everything in this industry. The last thing you want is to piss off a designer.”

“I wasn’t trying to. Being late was an honest, careless mistake. I promise.” I apologetically bowed then stood back up. I was shaking with fear now that I was seeing Jason in a new light. He was threatening not only to dump me from JA Style, but to also ruin whatever left of a career I had, ending it shortly. I shifted my gaze down to my toes, unable to face him. “I – I understand that you’re my boss, and I understand that I messed up. But for you to treat me like this-”

“Starting to regret considering me a friend now?” Jason dryly asked. I froze for a couple of seconds before slowly shaking my head.

“There’s never been a person in my entire life that I’ve ended up regretting to have met.” I replied, still afraid to look up at him. Jason suddenly paused, giving me an alarmed, uncomfortable look. I kept my gaze downwards and continued. “Even after all that you’ve said, I don’t regret meeting you, Jason. You’re right. Nobody wanted me until you came along. You’re the one that gave me a chance. Because of you, I’ve gotten the opportunity to live out several of my dreams… I wanted to work hard for you – I still do. Nothing’s changed… so how can I say that I regret meeting you, believing that you were my friend?”

Jason was silent.

“I’m not sure what it is that I can do to help you save JA Style, but I can promise that I’ll do all that I can and my very best, so please… this is between you and I. Leave Mr. Kim out of this. Don’t treat me this way… I’ll do whatever you want, ok?” I tried to bargain with him, ultimately feeling powerless and pathetic in this situation. Jason remained staring at me.

“I don’t like threatening you. Believe what you want, but I don’t.” Jason surprisingly admitted before turning his back to me and letting out a frustrated sigh as he grabbed both sides of his head. “This used to be a lot easier…”

I paused. “What used to be?” I asked. Jason spun around and dropped his hands down to his sides.

“Don’t mind it. I don’t want you to forget what was said here tonight or else you won’t learn your lesson. But let’s not speak a word of it to anyone else, got it?” He asked me. I timidly nodded.

“I won’t.”

“You want to know what it is that you can do for me – for JA Style?” Jason suddenly asked me. I glanced up at him, finally meeting his eyes. Jason continued. “I need for you to go out there and wow that audience tomorrow. I need for you to upstage Aron’s performance.” He replied. I froze, recalling my conversation with Baekho about Aron being selected as the new Top Model. When I had addressed Minhyun’s fear, Baekho had reassured me that it wasn’t his doing so much as Jason’s. After hearing what Jason just said, I had to wonder: was this the reason why Jason had placed Aron in the most coveted, prestigious spot? To make me stand out even more? My bottom lip started to tremble. Minhyun’s fear about Aron being used had come true. It just didn’t sound right or fair. Aron had been practicing so hard for this opportunity... I couldn’t do something like this to him.

“I-I don’t want to upstage Aron. I-”

“You can.”

“I can’t!” I exclaimed.

“Because he’s your friend?” Jason gave me a sour look.

“Because he’s better than me!” I cried. Aron had years of experience on me. How could I possibly outshine him? “I’ll never be better than him, even if I wanted to try!”

“Didn’t you say that you would do anything and everything you could at your best ability?” Jason shot my own words back at me. I froze, stunned. Jason stepped forward and grabbed me by both of my arms and violently shook me. “You’ll do it because I told you to.”

“I can’t believe you did this…” Silent tears started to trickle down the sides of my face. “How could you do this to Aron? To Minhyun?”

“I’m not in the business of preserving everyone’s feelings, Ren! I’m in the business of making business, and making routine changes are necessary to get ahead anywhere.”

“It’s part of being a human-being!” I exclaimed through tears. Jason shook me again.

“Do you job and do it well and I can promise you more exposure.” He suddenly tried to bribe me. I stared at him with wide eyes full of disbelief. Jason continued. “I can get your face in magazines and billboards so far as Milan. All you’d have to do is do what you do best and shine on that runway tomorrow.” He replied. I shrieked then shoved him off me. I threw my arms out to my sides in frustration.

“I can’t outshine the Top Model.”

“Then you’re done here.” Jason threatened, suddenly walking past me and exiting the practice room. I paused for a second in horror as his words reached me. I was done? Just like that? I spun around and ran out after him. I found him in his office, loudly and messily shuffling through the second shelf in his big metal filing cabinet in the right corner of the room. I ran inside and looped around the desk, grabbing him by his shoulders from behind as I realized what he was doing. Jason ignored me and continued searching for the contract that I had signed several months ago when I agreed to join JA Style. When he found it he turned towards the document shredder, holding it above it when I suddenly screamed.

“I’ll do it!” I collapsed to the floor behind his desk and held my head down in defeat as I saw all of my hopes and dreams disappear in front of my eyes. Jason paused and glanced back at me over his left shoulder as he held the contract over the shredder. “I’ll do it…” I cried, not knowing what else to do in a situation like this. Although I couldn’t do it to Aron, and I wasn’t even sure how or if it was possible, I was being forced to try. I couldn’t risk being blacklisted or fired. I had nothing else. Jason silently took the contract and placed it back inside of the filing cabinet. “I’ll do it… please…”

“Please, what?” Jason darkly asked. I pathetically bowed down to him with my forehead pressed against the carpeted ground, hating myself.

“Forgive me… forgive me… I’m sorry… Don’t do it… I’ll do it…” I started to sob into the floor, scared that he might still shred my contract. Jason slowly turned around a knelt down on the floor next to me. He started to pat his left hand on my back consolingly. This double-sided action of his sent chills down my spine. Jason suddenly leaned in closer to my right ear and whispered.

“Don’t ever disappoint me again.” His words were laced with venom. I kept my gaze downward. The situation with Dambi – it was true. It had to be. I felt stupid for ever having doubted her now that I was experiencing it for myself. She had warned me about what type of person Jason was, but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and now here I was severely paying for it. My job, Baekho’s reputation, and my relationship with my friends – it was all on the line. I tried to think of a way out but couldn’t find one. It was clear to me that I was going to have to give something up, my dream or the people around me… I had worked so hard to get here…

“I-I won’t.” I whispered back to him, terrified as Jason sat me up on the floor. He pulled me into his chest in an embrace. I cried, fearful of him and his actions and not knowing what else to do. He started to caress his fingers through the hair on my scalp.

“You wanted to be a model and I signed you up. You wanted to meet Mr. Kim and by now I’m sure the two of you are practically dating. I gave you everything your little heart desired. But what about what my heart desires? Did anyone stop to ask just what it is that Jason wants? Does anyone care?!” He suddenly shrieked, making me jump inside of his arms. He pulled me back into him as I started to pull away. “What I’m asking of you is quite simple, is it not?”

“I-I…” I was afraid of answering him and not telling him what he wanted to hear.

“It’s time to start giving back to me. As you know, nothing in this world is free.” He continued to caress his fingers through my hair. I was paralyzed with fear.

“O-Okay.” I said, trembling.

“You already know what it is that I want. Go out there tomorrow and do it.” Jason ordered before finally releasing me and shoving me backwards out of his arms. My back hit the wall behind me. Jason rose to his feet and stepped over me, walking around his desk and exiting his office without another word. A couple of seconds after he left I placed both hands on top of my chest and started to hyperventilate. I couldn’t remember the last time I had experienced something as terrifying as this aside from the accident that had happened several years ago. I sat for several minutes struggling to collect my breath. Inside my left pocket I felt my phone suddenly vibrate. Still heaving for air, I lowered my left hand and reached inside to pull it out. There was a notification of a missed text message from Baekho. As soon as I saw his name on the screen I screamed in frustration and threw the phone into the corner wall of Jason’s office without having read the text. It was all too much for me to deal with right now. I leaned my head back against the wall, pounded my fists into the floor and heart wrenchingly cried.

What do I do now?