Ren’s POV

I sat on the couch on the first floor inside of Minhyun’s elaborate apartment, blankly staring out of the large floor level window to my left and into the lighted night skyline of Seoul. After having chased JR outside without any luck of finding him, I had called Minhyun in tears, not knowing who else I could talk to at a moment like this. Minhyun generally wasn’t the first person that popped into my mind when it came to sharing feelings with, but he was the only person mature enough to at least hear me out. It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried to help me deal with my feelings before in the past. He had still been at the party when I called him, begging him to allow me over. He didn’t even hesitate to say yes and shortly left, having Aron drop him off by himself instead of allowing him to spend the night over. When I arrived on his doorstep he let me in and as soon as we made eye contact I started to sob my heart out. Minhyun had wrapped his right arm over my shoulders and led me into the living room where he sat me down on the couch and gave me a glass of red wine. He poured one for himself then sat on the armchair across from me, leaning back and folding his legs over one another as he took a small sip. After a short lived moment of silence in which he waited for me to settle down, he finally spoke up.

“It’s still your birthday; why the tears? I’m assuming something happened after you left?” He inquired, holding the neck of the glass between his fingers and rocking the wine from side to side. I stared down into my own glass. I didn’t even know how I should begin to tell him what was wrong. I was at a loss of words. Minhyun frowned. “Is it JR?”

I glanced up at him. “Is it that obvious?”

“The relationship between the two of you? It’s completely obvious. But then again, I have a little detective on my side who has been filling me in on his suspicions about you and JR.” Minhyun replied, probably referring to Aron. I shook my head.

“There’s nothing – we’re nothing.” I painfully replied. Minhyun stared at me.

“Is that right, then?”

“What do you mean?”

“It seems like to you it must have been something, wasn’t it?” He asked. I lifted the rim of the wine glass up to my lips and tilted my head back, taking a larger than normal sip and nearly drinking half of the glass’ contents before resting it back down on my knees.

“Yeah...” I murmured. “But who cares?” I dejectedly replied, feeling empty and bare on the inside. Minhyun scoffed.

“You do, you idiot.” He retaliated. “Clearly you do.” As he called me out on my true feelings I felt my bottom lip start to tremble. I pushed back the tears that threatened to fall once again.

“He was such a big part of my life… Despite both of us being busy and not getting to see each other often like how we did in the beginning, he was all I ever thought about. He was the one person I looked forward to talking to at the end of the day. He was my best friend. But now… after tonight, I might not ever get to see him anymore…”

“If you don’t mind my asking, what exactly happened?” He asked. I shifted my gaze down into my lap again for a brief moment before dryly laughing and glancing outside of the window again.

“He didn’t care as much as I did…” My voice bitterly trailed off. “It feels like all of this time he’s had me on a rope. He pulled me in when he wanted to play with my heart and then threw me back out when it came time to take responsibility for his own feelings. There came a point in our relationship where I even I couldn’t tell where and what we were… We were more than friends, but did we even qualify to be each other’s lover?”

Minhyun took another small sip of wine before placing the glass down on the small table to his right. “At the risk of being called ‘cruel’ again, you need to hear this. If you can’t figure out where you stand with someone, it might be time to stop standing and start walking. This isn’t the first time JR has made you feel this way. At this point you’re just torturing yourself with all of this needless heartbreak. JR seems like a decent enough guy, but let’s face it, Ren. He’s not relationship material. There are just some people in this world that aren’t. It might hurt to have to see it this way, but he might not be right for you.”

“You’re right, it does hurt to see it that way.” I replied, unable to push back the tears from the corners of my eyes. Two wet streams rolled down the sides of my face before I brought the sleeve of my black sweater up to my cheeks and wiped them away.

“There’s no easy breakup – even the mutual ones have their baggage. But this is the part where you find out who you are. Do you need him? Do you feel like you’ll die without him?” Minhyun asked. I took another large sip of wine, drinking the glass dry. When I realized I was out, I shamelessly held the glass out towards him. He paused for a second before pursing his lips together in slight annoyance and standing back up. He leaned over and took the glass from me, disappearing with it back into his kitchen briefly and then returning with a full glass. He handed it back to me and then sat back down. I took another sip then glanced across the room at him.

“That’s the thing though; we never broke up because we were never officially together. It’s so stupid, isn’t it? It’s only been an hour, but I already miss him. I miss him so much, I feel like I’m drowning.”

“Do you really miss him, though?” Minhyun asked, suddenly frustrating me. It was probably a mix of the wine, having an empty stomach, and feeling utterly heartbroken that was turning me into a volcano of emotions just waiting to explode at any given moment. I narrowed my eyes at him.

“I just said I did!” I replied, irritated. Minhyun continued.

“Or is it the feeling you had when you were with him that you miss?” He asked, bringing forth a new light to his question that forced me to pause and think. When JR had walked out and didn’t return despite the fact that I threatened him that I would never see him again, I had been hurt. But in that short, brief moment, the question of why I was hurting hadn’t occurred to me. I remembered feeling at a loss more so than my emotions being played with or feeling used. I didn’t want for him to go because I didn’t want to be alone anymore, whether we were friends or something more. I just wanted the comfort of knowing he was there, and now that I knew he wouldn’t be, I felt lost. But it wasn’t just one thing-

“It’s both.” I replied, taking another large sip before placing the glass back down. I paused for a moment when my thoughts started to feel a bit fuzzy. “We went through good times and we went through the bad… and even then we were always able to fix things between us.”

“Were you always the one to initiate the reconciliation?” Minhyun asked. I frowned.

“Yeah… but the thing is, JR’s shy-”

“It doesn’t matter. When something is broken, the natural thing is to try to fix it. From what you’re telling me, that’s something JR’s never done.” He replied. I narrowed my eyes at him, not liking the way Minhyun was talking down on JR. He didn’t know him as well as I did.

“He’s not a bad person.”

Minhyun scoffed. “He ripped your heart into two.”

“He had to have had a reason!” I desperately replied in frustration. I took another sip, nearly finishing off my second glass. Minhyun gave me an annoyed, quiet stare before sighing and standing up. He disappeared into the kitchen once again before returning with the entire wine bottle. He leaned forward and placed it on the small coffee table in front of me then sat back down.

“When has there ever been a good reason to break someone’s heart, Ren?” He asked. Now it was my turn to scoff.

“You’re one to talk!” I exclaimed, starting to feel the effects of the wine. “You broke Aron’s heart when you broke up with him!” I was met by an unfazed look in return.

“I already told you; I did that to motivate him. Aron was incredibly lazy and had grown too comfortable where he was at in life. He didn’t see the same potential I saw in him and so I gave him that extra push. I agree, what I did could be considered cruel and unreasonable, but it worked. He woke up. And look at him now. He’s trying apparently so well to even garner compliments from Mr. Kim himself. I look at you and I don’t see the same thing in you as I did Aron – you are his complete opposite. You’re full of motivation and determination. But I don’t believe JR hurt you to give you a wake-up call.” Minhyun replied. I shook my head and lifelessly stared down at my knees.

“… He said it was to protect me.” I replied. Minhyun furrowed his brows in confusion.

“Protect you? From what?”

“I don’t know… I got angry and upset at him when he said that and ended up telling him that he was the one I needed protection from, the way he kept playing with my heartstrings like that… And then just like that, he left, even when I told him that if he didn’t come back that I would never see him again. Before in the past this type of thought would terrify him, but… Oh god, I really must have hurt him when I said that…” I began to drunkenly sob with my chin tilted down into my chest. Minhyun suddenly stood up and walked around the coffee table then sat down next to me. He awkwardly extended his left arm and slowly started patting me on my back to console me. It was obvious that this was probably his first time ever comforting anyone. It was my guessing that Aron hardly ever gave Minhyun this level of emotional distress to work with.

“You need to pull yourself together.” Minhyun sternly replied. “He’s the one that left. As far as I’m concerned, you didn’t do anything wrong, so there’s no use in beating yourself up over it. You need to be strong and stay true to your words: don’t see him again. If you run back there to his place, you will only end up looking pathetic. And you’re better than that, aren’t you?”

“It’s too hard not to…” I continued to sob.

“Take a look at yourself and where you are; you could have gone running to JR’s residence right after the fight but you didn’t. You called me and now here you are.” Minhyun reassured me. “See? You need to give yourself more credit. You’re much stronger than you believe you are.” He said, surprisingly being genuinely nice to me for the first time since I met him. Although we had put our differences aside and had become friends, it had always seemed to be a challenge for Minhyun not to be sarcastically nice to me. Once again he had revealed a new side of himself, a side that I was extremely thankful for at this moment. Without any further warning, I turned to my right and latched my arms around his waist, burying my head into his chest while I continued to sob. I felt Minhyun’s body uncomfortably stiffen as I embraced him. A few seconds passed by before he finally relaxed and continued to awkwardly pat my back.

“You were the last person I expected to find a friend in… Thank you so much for not turning me away…” I said as I continued to cry into his shirt.

“… Surprisingly, same…” Minhyun quietly replied then continued to slowly pat me as he waited for me to cry it all out. He must have let me sob into him almost a full hour until the tears came to an end and I couldn’t cry anymore. When I finally calmed down, Minhyun placed both hands on my shoulders and slowly pulled me away from him then stood. “It’s late and you’re clearly in no state to make it home. You’re staying the night. You can have the couch.” He replied then walked away, stopping at a closet down the hall. He returned with a folded blanket which he threw on me. Before parting ways with me to go up to his room upstairs, he stood beside the couch and extended his palm out to me. I blinked then glanced up at him.

“What are-”

“Phone.” He shortly responded. I furrowed my brows, wondering why he was suddenly demanding my phone. Minhyun sighed in annoyance. “It’s for your own good so you don’t do anything you won’t regret.”

“You think I’m going to text JR?” I asked, my head spinning from the mix of crying and having drunken so much wine.

“No, I know you’re going to text him once I leave you alone. When you’re drunk it might make perfect sense to get it all out at him, but trust me, it’s something everyone regrets the morning after.” Minhyun warned. I stared at him.

“Are you speaking from experience?” A strange expression briefly spread across Minhyun’s face as I asked this. He quickly replaced it with a stern poker face.

“Of course not, don’t be ridiculous. Now hand it over.” He replied, sounding somewhat embarrassed. I stared down at his outstretched palm before sighing and taking out my phone and giving it to him. He immediately closed his hand and turned his back to me, carrying it with him upstairs. “You will get this back in the morning.” He replied as he reached the top of the stairs before disappearing into his room and shutting the door behind him, leaving me all alone in the living room.

“Tcht… Like I was going to text JR anyways…” I drunkenly murmured before looking around Minhyun’s apartment from the couch. Several minutes had passed by in silence before I finally pouted. This . Although my head was swimming, I wasn’t physically tired. Besides, I doubted I could go to sleep even if I wanted to, at least not after all that had happened today. What had started off as a good day had ended up being the worst, and on my own birthday, of all days. I thought back to the bus ride, trying to think of at what point everything went wrong. My consciousness desperately needed to know whose fault it had been. If it had been mine, I needed to take responsibility. But if it was his… then I didn’t really know what to do. Should I make good on my word like Minhyun said I should do and never see him again? JR had left willingly…

I suddenly remembered the turning point where everything started going downhill. It had been when JR had apologized for us not getting around to doing anything that we had originally planned. I had told him that it was really ok, but then he startled me when he had asked if I still wanted him to come over. What I had initially misread as asking for an invitation to come up to my apartment for something more intimate was actually one last major cram session of hanging out before he had to disappear again. Had I been wrong not to hide my disappointment? Was that where everything started being my fault? No… it’s human nature to be upset at something you don’t like. I clenched my fists down on my knees, feeling anger, hurt and betrayal for JR all over again. How could he do this to me…? Especially today…

I reached forward for the wine bottle that Minhyun had left sitting on the coffee table in front of me. I wasn’t sure if he had left it on accident or on purpose, but I was taking it. If it upset him so much I’d buy him another bottle later. I didn’t even bother with pouring the wine into the glass and lifted the rim of the bottle up to my lips and threw my head back. Over the course of the night, I somehow managed to finish the rest of the bottle off all by myself. I sat alone in Minhyun’s living room, feeling numb. When I lifted the bottle one last time to find it completely empty, I shakily sat it back down on the coffee table then sighed. I started swaying from my left to my right, my eyesight completely hazy with the room spinning around me. I somehow managed to lose my balance while sitting and tumbled onto the floor. As I fell flat on my stomach, I buried my face into the floor and cried. I felt ashamed of myself. I knew that drinking wasn’t the answer to any of my problems at the moment and that it was only a temporary fix, but why did I keep doing it when I had promised myself to cut down? It was all because I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to face the pain JR had dealt on my heart.

I angrily slammed my fist down on the floor. “It’s all his fault!” I roughly whispered out to nobody but myself in between cries. He had clearly turned me down when I had asked him to come up to my apartment. If that was the case, then why did he walk me up to my door? He should have just left me there! If he did then none of this would have happened. He would have never kissed me and we would have never made out on my couch and he would have never torn my heart apart when he called everything a mistake right to my face! I angrily shrieked then slammed my fist down on the floor again, unable to cope with my emotions anymore. He said all of those hurtful things and then just walked right out of that door and here I was, an emotional wreck… It wasn’t fair. It seriously wasn’t fair. I couldn’t bear the thought that I might be the only one crying and feeling so much like this. I needed to do something to help fill the empty hole where my heart used to be. I abruptly stopped crying and paused. Food. I slowly climbed up onto all fours and started crawling my way through the living room and to the kitchen, sitting down on the floor in front of Minhyun’s refrigerator with my legs folded over one another. I pulled open the door and drunkenly looked inside and blinked.

“He only has healthy food…!” I threw my head back in dismay and continued to pathetically sob, leaving the refrigerator door open. In the midst of my crying fit I leaned forward and pulled open one of the drawers, taking out a head of lettuce and munching on that instead, tears still streaming down my face like a pathetic mess. How could he not have any junk food? Did Minhyun even call this living? I took the head of lettuce and tucked it into my left arm, carrying it with me as I crawled back into the living room and sat down on the floor in front of his big screen TV. I continued to tear off leaves of lettuce and munch on them as I flipped the TV on and watched some late night shopping channel network where a group of women were selling some ridiculous gadget that no one in their right mind in this world might possibly need. I stared at the number on the screen. “I NEED THAT THING.” I reached for my pocket and paused when I felt that it was empty. I suddenly remembered. I glanced upstairs at the closed door to Minhyun’s room. I needed to get my phone back…

I tucked the head of lettuce into my left arm again and managed to crawl on my hands and knees and up Minhyun’s staircase, a task that would have easily taken seconds if I had not still been drunk. By the time I managed to reach the top I was gasping for breath, strained as if I had just climbed Mount Kilimanjaro when in reality it was only a standard staircase inside of an apartment. I sat the head of lettuce on the ground beside me and took a couple of minutes to calm down before picking it back up and crawling over towards Minhyun’s door, pausing outside of it while eyeing the doorknob in the same fashion Indiana Jones eyed the golden treasure in the movie. I can do this. I can open a door. I suddenly gasped. But what if it was locked? I was too far gone to make a Plan B. I might just have to give up… I glanced back up with a look of determination written on my face. Quitting was for quitters!

I slowly inched both hands towards the doorknob. I clasped my hands around the shiny metal handle and cautiously began to turn it. My eyes grew wide in shock as I heard the door slowly prop open. Success! I devilishly grinned before carefully pushing the door forward several more inches, just enough to fit through and crawl inside. When I entered Minhyun’s bedroom I found him lying in the dark under his covers inside of his king-sized bed on the right side of the room. I could hear the heavy sound of his breathing, indicating that he was fast asleep. I quietly crawled over towards the side of his bed and at his night stand where he had his own phone resting on top of and plugged in, recharging. I glanced over at the objects beside it and nearly burst out laughing when I found a small picture frame of Aron sitting beside his alarm clock, finding it humorous that a cold person like Minhyun would have something so sentimental at his bedside when he clearly didn’t seem like the type. I quickly dropped the head of lettuce on the floor and covered my mouth with my hands to muffle my drunken laughter, worried that he might have heard me and woken up. The sound of Minhyun’s heavy breathing continued. I sighed with relief before returning to the search for my phone.

I carefully pulled the drawer to his nightstand out, peeking inside. To my delight I found it next to a book. I froze. Don’t tell me Minhyun slept with a bible next to him in his bedside drawer. Jeeze, I really was seeming to find out a lot more about my mysteriously quiet friend. As I reached inside to take my phone I noticed that the book didn’t even have so much as a title. I furrowed my brows. If not a bible, then what, a journal of some sorts perhaps? A drunken, mischievous grin spread across my lips before I took both the book and my phone, replacing them with the head of lettuce that I had stolen from Minhyun’s refrigerator before crawling back out of his room. Once I was out, I carefully closed the door behind me then sat down on the floor beside his door frame. I put the book down on the floor and immediately my phone. I paused as a thought occurred to me: why did I need my phone again? I suddenly realized that I couldn’t remember to save my life why I so urgently needed it and snuck up here in the first place to retrieve it. I sighed then unlocked my phone, checking to see if there weren’t any missed messages, possibly from JR. My heart sank once again and I frowned when I realized there were none.

“Y-you…” I angrily whispered before opening up a blank text.

(1:37 AM) ‘No missed message? Are your fingers broken?’

I hit send then waited about a minute with no response. More anger boiled through my veins before I sent a series of mad texts.

(1:38 AM) ‘Do you think you can just ignore me? Do you think I’ll just go away?’

(1:38 AM) ‘Hey!’

(1:39 AM) ‘What are you doing that’s more important than answering me?’

(1:40 AM) [Frowny face emoticon]

(1:40 AM) ‘Do you know what you did to me?’

(1:40 AM) ‘You need to take responsibility!’

(1:41 AM) ‘You think you can just charm me by being so handsome and cool? You’re not that cool.’

(1:43 AM) ‘Dammit… you turned me into an idiot…’

(1:51 AM) ‘Is your phone out of battery???’

(1:52 AM) ‘Recharge your phone!’

(1:53 AM) ‘HEY!’

I finally had to bring myself to stop. I had grown so frustrated by his lack of a response to any of my texts that I threw my phone across the floor and watched as it slid to the top of the staircase. I angrily huffed and folded my arms across my chest, throwing a temper tantrum fit for a child. As I glanced down I spotted the book that I had taken out of Minhyun’s drawer down at my side. I paused and blinked for a minute before snatching it and opening it up onto a random page. I immediately noticed that it was a book full of mostly blank pages, save for a few that had been written on by Minhyun himself. I was right; it must have been a personal journal of his. Even though in the back of my head I knew it was wrong to be reading this behind his back, my personal judgement had been occluded by all of the wine I had consumed. I scanned through the most recent passage that surprisingly talked about Aron and Mr. Kim. Most of the entry contained his concerns and insecurities about his place at JA Style, which surprised me. I knew that Jason had threatened to kick them out before numerous times, but I had no idea the extent to which those words had affected Minhyun. Apparently he had an ominous feeling about the JA Style x House of Kim collaboration fashion show being his last – a fear mostly foreshadowed by Mr. Kim himself.

I furrowed my brows, thinking back to the ill relationship between Minhyun and Baekho. It was no secret that they didn’t get along, probably more so than the relationship between Minhyun and Jason. As I continued to read along, I read about the scenario that seemed to happen earlier in the day at the weigh-in when Baekho had complemented Aron right in front of him before practically sneering in his face. I frowned. That didn’t seem like the same person that I was slowly beginning to come to know. But I supposed it was possible. I could see it every time on Baekho’s face whenever he was around Minhyun that he was fighting to keep himself calm and composed even though it looked like he wanted to deck him in the face. And it was true that Minhyun did have that way about him that instantly rubbed people in the wrong way, speaking from previous experience. But would Baekho really be so unprofessional as to let his personal feelings for a model interfere with both of their careers? I shook my head. Baekho was better than that… I mean, he was the designer for House of Kim! He could do no wrong… right? Minhyun’s passage went on to talk about a surprising new topic: that of his fear of Aron being used by Baekho. I froze. Why would Baekho use Aron…? And for what reason? Minhyun seemed to believe that Baekho was playing with Aron by giving him false hopes just to personally irk him. He wrote that although Aron had been improving ever since the breakup, Aron would probably never make it as Top Model and he hoped that he wouldn’t. That last part confused me. But wait a minute… hadn’t Minhyun challenged Aron to try and take his spot from him? Then why… If they were dating, wasn’t it his job to support Aron? Why would he go through all of this unnecessary pushing and shoving to motivate him to work harder if he didn’t believe Aron was Top Model material? It just didn’t make sense.

I glanced back over my shoulder and up at the closed door, starting to question their relationship. Did Minhyun really care about him like he said he did? I thought back to the picture frame he had of Aron on his nightstand, feeling utterly confused. How could one care about someone but not support them? Was that even possible? I turned back down into the journal and continued to read. Apparently Minhyun seemed to have an answer for all of my questions as if he somehow foresaw me reading this. Minhyun did care about Aron, in fact, so much that he wasn’t worried about his own spot being taken out from under him more so than worrying about whether or not Aron could handle being in such a stressful position. He explained that ever since becoming the glamorous face of JA Style, he barely had any freedom. He couldn’t eat, drink, or do anything without Jason’s approval. He secretly met with a trainer six times a week and on most days would work out until he threw up. He also took a variety of pills to supplement the deficiencies he lacked due to not eating as much. He wrote that his hair had thinned and his skin became dry and scratchy and he actively took treatments to cover it up ever since taking control of the coveted Top Model spot. Minhyun didn’t want to subject Aron to the same harsh realities that came with being number one, especially when he himself could barely handle it. But then… wait a minute… didn’t he want me to replace him?

I tightly pursed my lips together as I sat on the floor feeling somewhat dumbstruck by this sudden thought. So it was ok to wish to subject me to these same horrors, but not Aron? But why? I continued reading and felt my jaw slightly drop in shock when I read Minhyun’s explanation for why he felt this way: he believed I could handle it. He wrote that I was stubborn and hardheaded enough that none of the pressures that came along with the job would be enough to break me the same way it had been slowly breaking him. He believed that if anything, I could possibly bring a much needed and welcoming change to the modeling industry. After reading his entry I closed the book, not wanting to read any more. I couldn’t bring myself to feel hurt or betrayed by what he had written like how I originally felt after finding everything out. I just felt… stunned… that he would hide all of that without ever mentioning how he really felt to anyone. The image he projected was far different from the way he seemed to feel on the inside. On the outside he looked confident and almost cocky; I never would have guessed that he was stressed out and miserable. After reading all of this, it almost made me want to reconsider wanting Minhyun’s spot after all and even question if I really wanted to continue with modeling. It frustrated me when I couldn’t eat what I wanted to and it would drive me insane to have Jason monitor every aspect of my life. Maybe Aron should take the Top Model status… Maybe Minhyun’s trust in me was misjudged. I couldn’t see for the life of me why he didn’t believe Aron wasn’t qualified for the job. Aron was about as hardheaded as I was. But then again, I didn’t know Aron as well as he did, did I? Even still… Aron, who was actively trying to live up to Minhyun’s challenge, believed in himself, didn’t he?

I leaned my head back against the wall and closed my eyes, feeling an odd combination of drowsy, empty and conflicted emotions. After reading Minhyun’s first hand account of being the Top Model, I was scared. But at the same time… I still wanted it. It was a difficult situation to express other than simply just wanting it. But I wanted to earn it. Top Model status wasn’t just a position to be handed down; it was an honor and a sacrifice that went to those who were worthy enough of carrying the title. I understood that Minhyun had hopes of me replacing him once he left, but I knew that I wouldn’t be happy if the title just fell on my shoulders because he was gone and I wasn’t. I didn’t want to wait for him to retire, I wanted to take it from him based off of my abilities and I wanted to continue this competition for it between me and Aron. I opened my eyes and sullenly glanced over at my phone that had been tossed towards the top of the staircase several feet in front of me. After all… it wasn’t like I would be having any future distractions anymore…

 

 

The next morning I was roughly jerked out of sleep when I felt something with an odd texture hit the side of my face. Frightened, my eyes snapped open to see Minhyun angrily standing beside me with both of his hands on his hips and glaring down at me. I quickly glanced off to the side to see that it was a head of lettuce that he had thrown at me that had bounced to the floor. I furrowed my brows while trying to recall the events of last night that had led me all the way up here. I tiredly took a look at my surroundings; the entire second floor was covered with scattered leaves of lettuce, followed by a book which was sitting beside me. As soon as I laid eyes on the book everything suddenly came back to me in a flash. I panicked and leaned forward for the book when Minhyun intervened and snatched it up before I could. He shot me the dirtiest look I had seen yet from him. He crouched down on both feet and slowly leaned in closer to my right ear before screaming at me.

“What the hell were you doing last night?!” He angrily scolded me. I shut my eyes to try to tune out the frustration in his voice as I leaned forward and suddenly wrapped my arms around him, embracing him. Minhyun stiffly froze, being taken off guard. I felt him blink several times before he tried to pry myself off him. I held on tight and refused to let go.

“Are you ok?” I asked the one question that probably no one had ever thought to ask him before, making Minhyun pause again. Several seconds passed by in silence before he finally brought himself to speak.

“You read my journal!” He snapped at me again, trying to shift the focus off him. For as long as I had known him, he was never one to talk about his own emotions. He had opinions whenever asked, but he rarely every shared them when it came to how he personally felt. It was evident that my asking about him definitely made him uncomfortable. He brought his hands up to my sides and tried to shove me off without any success.

“Are you ok?” I repeated my question, ignoring his last statement. Minhyun’s arms limply fell down to his sides before he lowered his head down into his chest. He knew how stubborn I could be and that there would be no winning this. His body language revealed that he was fighting to keep himself collected.

“It’s none of your concern, is it?” His voice slightly shook as he spoke. “You’re the one hurting right now, isn’t it? Let’s focus on that instead.”

I shook my head. “But you’re the one that’s been hurting secretly all along, isn’t it?” I asked. Minhyun remained silent. A sudden thought occurred to me. “Does Aron know?”

Minhyun kept his head downwards. “Does he know about what?”

“Everything; the hair loss, the dry and itchy skin, the depression? Does he know? And what was that about not wanting him to be Top Model? You don’t think he can do it? And what about-”

“One question at a time!” Minhyun exclaimed. I slowly let go of him and sat back against the wall, quietly staring at him as he struggled with his internal emotions. Minhyun roughly sighed before rubbing his eyes with his hands. He finally glanced up at me and met my gaze. “No, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know about any of this because he doesn’t need to know. It’s my problem, my burden. There’s a medicine for everything nowadays – none of those are problems that can’t be treated with a pill.”

“But you can’t take a pill and hope Aron won’t someday rise to become Jason’s next Top Model.” I replied. “What’s really going on here? Is it really about not wanting to subject him to the same conditions you suffered? You chose me… What makes me any stronger than Aron?”

“Maybe nothing. But time is neither on my side or his. Our careers are practically over soon.”

“Even so, don’t you want him to experience the honor of Top Model before he has to step down?” I asked, trying to understand him. Minhyun frowned.

“At least not through Mr. Kim…” His voice trailed off. “I don’t trust that man. Differences aside, there’s something about him that strikes me as unusual for a designer.” He replied. I gave him a strange look.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s his apparent lack of knowledge that continues to astound me. He’s very unprofessional, and that’s saying something – I mean, look at who we work for. Jason is the most unprofessional person I’ve ever met, but even he seems to know what he’s doing. Mr. Kim seems to move around without any direction. He seems lost half of the time I see him up there at JA Style. The fact that he told me that he wanted me out and even went so far as to compliment Aron in front of me… it has me worried. It’s true I don’t want Aron to go through what I have, but if he does, the recognition at least needs to come from Jason himself. I don’t want him to be named Top Model through Mr. Kim, because if he does, Aron will only be a joke. The same goes for you as well.”

“It sounds to me that you’re just using Mr. Kim as an excuse for not believing in Aron yourself.” I accused him. It wasn’t that I was taking Baekho’s side. It really did just seem like Minhyun was making excuses. There were a few things that he had said about Baekho that I myself had noticed, but that was a different topic altogether.

“Is that what it sounds like?” Minhyun slowly asked, taking a minute to consider this option. He frowned. “I believe in him and I believe in you. Why else would I have pushed the both of you to succeed?”

“But you wanted me to succeed more over Aron. I can believe that you don’t want Aron to suffer the way you did and that’s probably why you would prefer me over him to take your spot, because at least that way it doesn’t hit as close to home. But regardless of whether Aron can handle it or not, you need to support him just in case he is named the next Top Model. Mr. Kim isn’t going anywhere and even if he does replace you with Aron out of pettiness or as the result of some cruel joke, Aron needs to know that you have his back. Do you?” I asked him. Minhyun stared at me.

“Of course I do…” He solemnly replied. “You’re right. These were all thoughts which I shouldn’t have had. I shouldn’t have doubted Aron… It appears that I’m not as perfect as I would like to be. Even I make foolish mistakes.” Minhyun replied, looking rather ashamed. I softly smiled at him.

“Hey, you’re only human, right?” I reminded him. Minhyun paused then smiled back at me.

“I suppose you’re right.”

“I’m sorry for reading your journal.” I guiltily replied, hanging my head down in shame. Minhyun stared at me.

“Is that all you want to apologize for?” He asked, glancing down at the mess I had made both upstairs and downstairs in disbelief. I nervously laughed.

“I’ll help you clean it all up???” I awkwardly replied. Minhyun glared at me. Before he could speak we were both startled by the sound of his front door unlocking and then opening, followed by Aron loudly entering.

“Hey, Min – woah, what the hell is this???” Aron paused at the end of the entrance hallway as he examined the loose leaves of lettuce that lined the living room and trailed up the staircase. “Did you get ransacked by the Easter Bunny or something???”

Minhyun suddenly snatched the journal away from me and quickly stepped inside of his room to put it away. Seconds later he reemerged then sighed, walking to the top of the staircase. “No, just an alcoholic.” Minhyun teased. I jokingly narrowed my eyes then nervously laughed, knowing that deep down I really did have a problem. I stood up and walked over towards my cell phone on the floor, scooping it up and placing it inside of my back pocket without so much as looking at it. Aron glanced up at us from the first floor.

“Did Ren spend the night???” He asked, eyeing me suspiciously before glancing back at Minhyun. “Is that why you didn’t want me to stay?” Aron suddenly huffed. “I thought we agreed that we’d share him in a three-way if one of us got lucky!” He exclaimed. My eye twitched.

“Wait, what?”

“Oh, shut up. No one got lucky.” Minhyun scolded Aron as he left me to go downstairs.

“Ok, that really doesn’t help.” I replied, following him and joining the two of them in the living room. Aron pursed his lips together, looking extremely annoyed.

“I mean, what the hell? I’m the one that suggested it! I at least thought that I’d be the one he picked.” Aron murmured.

“Wait, you guys talked about it???”

“Well, Min was hesitant at first but eventually he came around and agreed out of pity. I mean, you surely aren’t getting any-”

“He’s lying. If you fall for that, you’re only feeding the troll.” Minhyun scolded, folding his arms across his chest. Aron smirked at me.

“How do you know he’s not the one lying about it? On the surface he looks calm and collected, but in the sheets this guy is wild. I mean, have you ever heard of ?”

“I will murder you and your entire family.” Minhyun collectedly threatened him. Aron briefly shifted his gaze from me to look at Minhyun and smiled in amusement before glancing back my way when I suddenly spoke up. Call me crazy, but during that brief second in which he had looked at Minhyun, I could see the amount of love Aron had towards his boyfriend. The way he looked at him was different than the way he looked at me or anyone else. But it was harder to tell with Minhyun, who was the difficult one to read.

“He made me sleep on the couch.” I said, coming to Minhyun’s aid in hopes that Aron would stop for everyone’s sake. Aron suddenly gasped while dramatically looking over at the couch in shock.

“So you two did it on the couch instead?!”

“Alone! I slept alone!” Make him stop, please god, make him stop…

“I thought that was our spot, Min!” He’s not stopping… I awkwardly glanced over at the couch. All of the hairs on the back of my neck rose in disgust at just picturing the two going at it on a regular basis on the place I had been previously laying on last night. I suddenly felt very dirty.

“… Thanks for having me over, Minhyun. I think I need to go now and take a year-long bath in disinfectant spray.” I replied, walking towards the door. Whatever plans those two had to further harass me with I didn’t want to be a part of. Aron latched onto my left arm and snickered.

“Oh, relax! I was just pulling your leg! God, we haven’t even slept there… yet.”

“I don’t need to know this!” I wildly exclaimed. Please stop telling me everything…

“I know, but now you do and there’s no erasing that.” Aron proudly grinned, pulling me with him into the living room where he shoved me down on the couch. As soon as my rear hit the cushions I bounced back up in attempt to make my grand escape when Aron suddenly stretched his right arm out and threw me back into the couch. For good measure he even sat down next to me, throwing his arm around my shoulders. I pouted. I didn’t want to be here anymore, at least not now that the two of them were here. As a couple, they didn’t seem to have boundaries around other people whenever they were together. The conversation we just had seconds ago was proof of that. Aron loudly sighed. “So why are you here?” He asked then glanced at Minhyun. “And why didn’t you want me knowing last night?”

Minhyun pointed at me. “It’s his story to tell if he wishes to tell it.” He replied. Aron glanced back at me, waiting. I hesitantly paused.

“I was pathetic enough last night; clearly the evidence shows.” I waved my arm around the room to the trail of lettuce leaves scattered around the living room towards upstairs, the empty wine bottle, and all of the furniture I had managed to move out of place in my drunken stupor. “I don’t want to be pathetic anymore. I’m done. I can’t do it anymore.”

Aron paused. “It was JR, wasn’t it?” He asked and watched as both Minhyun and I froze. After gauging our reactions Aron removed his arm from around my shoulders then suddenly clapped his hands. “I’m right, aren’t I? Let me guess, let me guess… something happened, didn’t it? Something… after you guys left…” His voice trailed off. “You had a fight, didn’t you?”

“Aron.” Minhyun warned, sensing that Aron was going too far.

“It’s ok.” I replied then solemnly nodded. “You’re going to find out anyways, I guess… Yes, we had a fight. And that’s the last we’ll ever see of each other anymore.”

“What?” Aron frowned. “That can’t be right… You guys seemed like a perfect match. I was even going to try to hook you up.”

I dryly laughed. “Yeah… so did I.” I patted Aron’s right knee. “But you’re a bit too late for that now, unfortunately. We were finally getting somewhere and then…”

“And then what?” Aron asked.

“And then he said he had to leave and then left.” I simply replied, summarizing the messy and complicated fight in the span of just a few words. Aron furrowed his brows.

“Did he at least give you a reason?” He asked in disbelief. I shifted my gaze down into my lap.

“He said it was to protect me.” I replied. Aron gave me a strange look.

“Protect you from what?”

“I don’t know, Aron!” I snapped in frustration. Aron gave me a startled look before pursing his lips together in thought.

“Well, he’s gotta have a good reason for doing it then.” Aron replied as if it were so simple. Minhyun folded his arms across his chest, shaking his head in disagreement.

“He’s clearly playing with Ren’s emotions. Remember, this isn’t the first time JR has abandoned him.” Minhyun insisted. Aron defiantly shook his head.

“No, there’s definitely got to be a good reason behind it.” Aron insisted, refusing to let it go. Minhyun sighed in annoyance.

“Don’t tell me you’re going to try to find out what it is-”

“I’m going to find out what it is!” Aron proudly exclaimed, accepting the challenge that he self-appointed all on his own. I shook my head and flailed my hands around.

“Please don’t.” I pleaded. “It’s over. I need to accept that and I need your help and support in order to do that.” I begged Aron not to stick his nose where it didn’t belong. Minhyun walked up to me and patted me on my back.

“You have my support.” He reassured me. Aron quickly stood up and stopped in front of me.

“You don’t have mine.” Aron declared. “Because I’m more than certain he has a reason. Think about it; we all do things for a reason. Nothing is ever aimless, especially when it involves love. Accept that it’s over? Give up? When has anyone in this world ever given up on something like love? No one. And you want to know why? It’s because it’s what we as humans do best: love. Even if it is crazy or it doesn’t make sense – we all need it more than we would like to admit. Because love doesn’t have to make sense. What matters is that it’s there in each of our lives.”

“Aron…” My voice trailed off, leaving me speechless. It was amazing to see how much Aron had changed ever since breaking up and getting back together with Minhyun. It must have really shaken him, giving him the wakeup call that Minhyun had hoped it would deliver.

“At least try to think about what he’s trying to protect you from. There has to be something going on behind the scenes that none of us know about. If that’s the case, you’ll feel awful foolish later on if you just give up now and ‘accept that it’s over.’”

“Maybe you’re right… But right now, I need to make the choice that’s best for me in order to live. And I can’t live like this, living in constant pain… I want to be successful. In order to do that, I need to move on. From now on I just want to work. I want to prove to Jason and I want to prove to the world that I can do it; I want to get my face out there and my name known. I can’t do that if I’m hurting.”

“And that’s not exactly a bad thing – getting your name out there, I mean.” Minhyun came to my aid while staring at Aron. “If it’s what he wants, you need to respect his decision.” He sternly warned him. Aron stared at the both of us before frowning.

“Ok.” He replied, finally agreeing to let it go and let me move on. He deeply sighed in front of us to show that he still disapproved of my decision. “Man, that really though. I was really starting to root for you guys ever since he came to me asking for my help. But I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.”

“Exactly.” Minhyun replied. I nodded.

“Yeah.” I said before my attention was suddenly snatched away by the sound of my phone chiming, indicating that I had just received a text. I felt my heart stop as I suddenly remembered the string of drunken texts that I had sent to JR last night. Was he finally responding…? A wave of panic laced with anxiety washed over me. Should I look at it? Would it even make sense to after having just declared that I wasn’t going to care about JR anymore? I paused. The fact that I was even just considering reading his response was proof enough that forcing myself not to care about him was going to be harder in practice than theory. I couldn’t take it anymore. I finally pulled my phone out of my pocket and turned it on.

“Oh my god, you texted him last night, didn’t you?!” Minhyun asked in annoyance. “Damn it, Ren, I took that phone away from you for a reason-” He continued on but I tuned him out. My eyes suddenly widened in horror when I opened up my message history and realized just who it was that I had been texting last night instead of JR.

(9:57 AM) ‘We need to talk. Meet me at Jason’s studio in thirty minutes. Don’t be late.’ – Kim Baekho

My jaw dropped open and my heart sank. ! My entire face turned red in embarrassment and humiliation over the huge, drastic error that I had made last night. How did I… When did I… WHY DID I?!?!?! The texts which were meant for JR’s eyes only ended up being sent to my boss?! Why did fate hate me so much?! I was a good enough person, wasn’t I? Oh god… he wanted me to meet him at JA Style soon. I started to panic even more. What do I do? Thirty minutes wasn’t enough time to go home, change, and meet him. I was 100% sure I looked like a mess – and not a hot one either. Dammit! …I shouldn’t go. He was probably going to fire me anyways, friend or not. That wasn’t even a tiny mistake that I made but a big one. My phone suddenly chimed again.

(10:00 AM) ‘Don’t think about running and avoiding this either.’ – Kim Baekho

DEAR GOD, HE KNEW. I was near tears now that the aspect of running away was impossible. Never mind the fact that apparently everything I did was so predictable that even someone like Baekho could read me like a book. My favorite designer was either about to fire me or murder me – or both. Minhyun furrowed his brows and gave me a strange look after noticing my odd behavior.

“Is it JR? Did he respond?” He curiously asked. I shot up from off of the couch and dashed towards the front door, stopping in the hallway to kick on my shoes.

“IGOTTABESOMEWHEREBYE!” I shrieked then tore the door open and ran off down the hall. Back from Minhyun’s apartment I could hear him yelling at me about cleaning up the abandoned mess I had made. Sorry, Minhyun, I’ll make it up to you later if Baekho doesn’t kill me… When I made it down into the lobby I dashed out like a madman to the side of the street, hailing down a taxi which I instructed to take me all the way over to Jason’s studio. The entire ride was spent in complete dread and I was sweating bullets. I was so dead. There would be no coming back from this.

 

 

JR’s POV

“I’m sorry.” I immediately pulled myself off of Ren and sat on the opposite end of the couch. I watched as Ren slowly brought himself up and stared back at me with a disappointed look written across his face which he tried to replace with a forced smile, trying to pretend as if he was ok. I had to look away from him. I felt guilt and shame running heavily through my veins. It seemed as if once again I had lost control of my actions around Ren, something which had only happened one other time in my life, that time being when I kissed his hand. I hadn’t planned any of this. When I had agreed to walk him back to his door, it was my intention of doing that and nothing more. But then what happened? The argument we had – for some reason my body had naturally felt drawn to him and before I knew it, we were kissing. 

“You didn’t do anything I didn’t want you to do. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Ren nervously tried to reassure me, however, he was wrong about that. I had just done something wrong. I had led him on too early. I was supposed to say my goodbyes to him for now in hopes that the next time we were able to see each other that we could continue our relationship from there. But I had just taken several steps forward in the plan, something which probably I couldn’t even fix. I was coming closer to achieving my goal of stepping out into the fashion world as a real designer and not some shadow of one. I had my company established, my employees transferred, the designs drawn and even production started. I was already in talks with fashion magazines and was currently in the beginning stages of arranging my first runway show. It was only a little while longer until I could finally reveal myself to the world and become someone more compatible with Ren. But I messed up by acting too soon with him. During the remainder of the time it would take to finish setting everything up, I wouldn’t be able to give him the time that he would want from me or even deserved. I was a horrible person.

“I did do something wrong… I didn’t even know what I was doing. I’m so sorry… Forgive me, please… I shouldn’t have done that… God, I shouldn’t have done that…” I said all too thoughtlessly. A pained expression spread over Ren’s face.

“That’s incredibly hurtful, JR…” Ren’s eyes turned red and tears started to form in the corners. Hurtful? Oh no, what did I just do? I panicked and turned to face him in fear.

“That’s not what I meant-”

“Do you view me as some sort of mistake?” Ren asked me. I felt my heart sink down to my stomach. Mistake? Ren? Never!

“No, Ren, I think you’ve misunderstood. That’s not it-” I tried to explain myself but got interrupted again.

“Misunderstood? The first thing you said was ‘sorry,’ followed by ‘god, I shouldn’t have done that.’ Tell me what I’m supposed to think after the person I just got done making out with, the person I’m absolutely crazy about, said those kinds of things to me.”

“I didn’t want to do this now-” Stop interrupting me, please, let me explain!

“But you did. You can’t take that back…” Ren’s voice shook as he spoke. I paused as a sudden thought occurred to me: could I explain it to him? Was it even possible without giving away too much? I was faced with a decision to make: tell Ren everything I was planning now and hoped he forgave me, or stick to the plan and tell him later. In either scenario I would still come out as a bad guy.

 “You don’t understand. This wasn’t supposed to happen until later.” I replied, my voice shaking as well. I was near tears. I had never wanted to hurt him like this. This wasn’t the type of person I was. It was evident that I was painfully inexperienced when it came to handling my own feelings and emotions, let alone towards another person. I didn’t know what I was doing at all, but even I knew that I had just screwed up. Why couldn’t I hold myself back and wait? Why did I keep losing control of my body whenever it came to Ren? I was aware that I was being cruel without actually meaning to be, but why couldn’t I just stop? Just stop, JR! You’re ruining everything! My eyes started to flood with the tears that threatened to fall. There was another long moment of silence between us. Ren leaned his forehead into his palm and rested his elbow into his knee. He looked tired and defeated.

“If not now, when?” He calmly asked.

“I can’t… tell you.” I hesitantly replied, knowing it sounded a thousand times worse out loud than it did inside of my head.

“JR, I’m trying to hold my patience with you and be understanding but you’re not making it any easier. Why? Why can’t you tell me?” He slowly asked. I shifted my gaze down into my lap.

“… To protect you.” I finally said at the risk of him suddenly piecing together everything and figuring out what I had been doing behind his back. A conflicted look spread across Ren’s face and he stared at me almost as if in disbelief before finally speaking up.

“… For me?” Ren skeptically asked. The calm temper he had once held with me was gone now and replaced with irritancy. I felt horribly guilty. How could I explain to him that Jason had taken everything away from me and was even blackmailing me into working with him at the risk of Ren losing his dream job? Did it even sound believable? I would have never believed it either. And with Jason presenting himself as a caring best friend towards him, Ren would never believe my story anyways, despite it being the truth.

“It’s not something I can tell you right now, but if you wait-”

“Enough!” Ren snapped, startling me. I froze. There had been many times Ren had yelled at me, but never before had he ever sounded so ultimately pissed off at me. Seeing him this angry with me was almost frightening. It was an indicator of how much I had royally messed everything up. Ren continued after taking a moment to recollect himself. “I have always considered myself a patient guy. I’ve spent most of my time waiting. Waiting to recover, waiting to become a model, even waiting for love. Everything – everything that I have ever waited for I’ve always considered worthwhile, you included. You always tell me to wait and I do, but why… after being told so many times that I can’t see you, I can’t hear you, you’ll see me later – why can’t it ever be now? You have to protect me? What is there to protect me from other than you?! You’re the one that causes me constant heartbreak…” Ren screamed at me before breaking down into tears. That last statement of his… I stared at Ren, feeling crushed. My bottom lip trembled as I attempted to speak.

“… Do you… really think that?” Tears streamed down my cheeks as I waited for Ren’s response. Here it was, the moment of truth that I was unprepared for.

“Right now, at this moment right here and now – it hurts more than the accident and surgeries combined.” Ren replied in tears. His words were like a brutal slap to the face. For as long as I could remember since meeting him, I had tried my absolute best not to become a burden for him. In fact it had been one of the things I had feared about becoming and had halted me from wanting to get close and becoming friends with him. But as time had passed, I began to grow more comfortable with Ren, who constantly reassured me that I was never bothering him. Finally at some point in my life I had brought myself to believe that I wasn’t the burden I grew up thinking I was, that I too had some value. However, to hear that I had hurt him more with my carelessness than the car wreck that had turned Ren’s life upside down forever… I suddenly realized the weight my presence had on him. I was like a poison, slowly killing him. Me – I was the cause of all of his pain… I knew what I had to do now. I shakily rose to my feet from the couch and turned away from him before silently making my way towards the door. I suddenly heard Ren call out to me from behind. “What are you doing???”

I paused as I gripped my hand around the door handle. My heart was heavy and aching. I glanced back at him over my left shoulder. “…I have to go…” I had to stop in the middle of my sentence as the sobs that I had been desperately trying to suppress began to escape. My shoulders trembled from fighting to be strong, but I was weak. I cleared my throat and continued with my original message. “I have to leave you alone… so that you can be okay again…”

A look of horror washed over Ren’s face. “You can’t leave!” He exclaimed as I turned away from him and pulled the door open and stepped outside. “We have to fix this!!! JR!” Ren desperately screamed as I shut the door behind me. “Kim Jonghyun, if you leave like this, I’ll really never see you again! I swear it!!! Come back here!!!”

I froze for a couple of seconds as I stood out in front of Ren’s doorway, his words weighing heavily in my heart. I glanced back over my shoulder, picturing the devastated look on his face after watching me walk out on him. If I left now, Ren would want nothing to do with me anymore… but maybe it was for the best. I brought both hands over my face and started to sob into my palms. I didn’t want to go. Every inch of me was desperately fighting the urge not to turn around and march back in there. But when I thought about the effect I had on Ren’s life, hurting him and causing him so much pain… I knew it was irresponsible to go back. I had wanted to be his friend and then something more, not the toxic virus I had become on his heart. I pulled my face out of my hands as I suddenly heard the sound of Ren’s feet rushing towards the door. I quickly jumped down several steps of stairs until I reached the bottom of the staircase, running around the side of the building and hiding as I watched Ren run out and to the side of the street. He spun around, searching everywhere for me and when he didn’t find me, he brought his right arm over his eyes and began to sob out loudly. From the side of the building I had to place my hands over my own mouth to muffle the sound of my own sobs as I watched him. With my back pressed against the brick wall I slid down to the floor and leaned into my knees, sobbing quietly until neither of us could cry anymore. When I finally realized how quiet it had become, I glanced over from the side of the building and noticed that Ren wasn’t there anymore. I shakily climbed to my feet and walked away from Ren’s apartment, sullenly looking back as I passed it and realizing that after tonight I probably wouldn’t ever be seeing it again.

With swollen eyes I walked all the way down to the corner of the street and waited at the bus station, climbing on board once it arrived and riding it into the city. Once I was downtown I got off and walked the rest of the way towards my destination. I entered the lobby of the luxury apartment complex that Dambi lived at and rode the elevator all the way up to the top floor. Once I had arrived on her floor level, I quietly exited the elevator and stopped in front of her door. I rang the doorbell then waited. About a minute had passed in silence with no response. I reached down at the dial pad on the door handle and entered in Dambi’s code, which she had kept the same for years, using her birthday to keep it easy to remember. The door unlocked and I stepped inside, removing my shoes in the hallway before entering into her living room. I sat down on her long white couch, taking one of the large white cushions into my arms and hugging it, pressing it into my body as I waited for her to return home. As I waited I stared at all of the photos she had of herself hanging on all of the walls. I could look at each picture and remember the day that it was taken, having always followed Dambi’s career. In each of her pictures she appeared bold, confident and y, like she didn’t have a fear in this world. Then I thought back to how terrified she seemed to appear the day I was in the hospital and she had told me that she wanted to go back into the modeling industry. The Dambi I knew wasn’t the person that was represented in the pictures.

I suddenly heard the sound of the front door unlocking and opening, followed by Dambi stepping inside of the hallway. She carelessly kicked off her shoes and stepped into the living room, not having noticed my pair neatly lined by the doorway. When she saw me sitting on her couch she screamed. “Goddammit, JR! You scared me!” She replied, placing her right hand over her chest and sighing heavily, calming herself.

“Noona…” My voice trailed off as I continued to stare at one of her pictures on the wall.

“What?” She asked, sounding annoyed.

“Can you teach me how to look like that?” I asked and was met by a surprised stare. She slowly glanced up at the picture I was looking at before looking back at me.

“You want to look like a model?” She asked, sounding confused.

“Like someone who’s not afraid of anything. Someone who is confident and courageous and belongs in this world…” I couldn’t bring myself to finish before breaking out into sobs again. Dambi immediately sat down next to me and wrapped her left arm around my shoulders, pulling me into her chest.

“Hey now, what’s going on? Why are you here?” She asked, trying to comfort me. I remained silent, crying into her neck. I felt her pause. “Did something happen with Ren?” She asked once again. I nodded into her chest. Dambi sighed. “What happened?” Dambi placed both hands on my shoulders and pulled me away from her. I kept my gaze down into my lap.

“Something bad… Something that was all my fault and now he’ll never see me again.” I murmured under my sniffles. Dambi narrowed her eyes at me.

“What did you do?” She sternly asked.

“Does it matter what I did?”

“It does!” She exclaimed, irritated. “How can I help you if I don’t know what’s going on?” She rationally explained. I guiltily kept my head down.

“If only I had found this courage a long time ago before any of this mess happened… If only I had been a strong person in the beginning, I wouldn’t have lost House of Kim and I could have proudly stepped out as a designer and not have to worry about lying or being good enough for Ren… But it’s too late now. I’ve blown it.”

Dambi groaned, frustrated. “Tell me what’s going on. What happened?” She asked. I was starting to try her patience with me. I slowly glanced up and looked her straight in the eyes.

“I like Ren… I like him so damn much, it hurts…” Silent tears trickled down the sides of my face as I admitted this. The stern look on Dambi’s face softened in worry. I glanced off to the side, heavily exhaling before turning back to face her with a painful smile spread across my lips. “I… I couldn’t control myself.”

Dambi’s eyes widened in shock. “JR, what did you do?” She darkly asked. I shifted my gaze back down into my lap in defeat.

“I kissed him.” I replied in a whisper. Dambi froze for a moment as my words seemed to take time to register with her. When they did, she dropped both of her hands still on my shoulders down to her lap and stared at me with a concerned look.

“And what happened after that?” She asked.

“I realized that I had just made a big mistake and-”

“Don’t tell me you ran away…” Dambi’s voice trailed off in disbelief. I quietly glanced up at her, remaining silent. Once it registered with her that I had, Dambi sighed heavily. “Oh, JR, what am I going to do with you? You don’t just run off after kissing someone, regardless if it was a mistake!”

“I didn’t know what else to do… He told me…. He told me that I was a great cause of all of his pain… I thought the best I could do for him was just disappear.”

“Is that what you wanted though?” She asked. I paused.

“I want… for the person I love to be happy.” I quietly replied, bringing my arm up to my face to wipe the silent tears that couldn’t seem to stop falling.

“What about your happiness?”

“A person as bad as me… probably doesn’t deserve happiness.”

“I want to hit you so badly right now.” Dambi cursed at me and raised her arm but restrained herself from actually attacking me. She took a couple of moments to recollect herself before speaking back up again. “So what is it that you want to do now? Do you just want to walk away and forget that anything happened with Ren? Are you just going to focus on getting Jason back and working on your new company? Is that why you want me to teach you how to appear confident like me?” She asked, irritated. I slowly nodded.

“Yes.” I whispered, still feeling heavily ashamed.

“Bastard.” Dambi coldly snapped at me. I glanced up at her in stunned silence. This was the first time I had ever seen her truly this angry with me. Dambi folded her arms across her chest and sat back into the couch, folding her legs over one another. “If I were Ren, I wouldn’t want to see you either.”

“Noona-”

“Don’t!” She exclaimed, turning her head away from me. “Try looking at it from his perspective – it seems like all you’ve been doing is tugging him along and playing with his emotions. And you have. Even someone like Ren has a limit, and you crossed that limit, JR. Why did you kiss him when you knew you were supposed to wait?” Dambi asked, trying to understand me.

“I already said I couldn’t control myself!” I exclaimed, upset.

“Well maybe you should have!!!” Dambi screamed at me then immediately froze. There was a dead silence between us that only lasted minutes but seemed to last forever. Dambi finally sighed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be yelling at you. What’s done is done. We should be looking for a solution, not creating a bigger mess. It’s just I really liked that kid, JR. He seemed nice – he was perfect for you. Why did you have to go and blow it? Ah, really… Are you sure you really want to give up on him?”

“What?” I froze.

“Right now it seems like you have a choice to make. Either you can go back over there and make things right, even knowing that by fixing things, Ren would still have to wait for you to finish wrapping up your project, or you can let him go and focus a 100% on finally becoming the recognized designer you deserve to be.”

“… What do you think I should do?” I asked, unsure of anything right now. My heart didn’t want to let go of Ren, but even I knew that it was cruel of me to go back now and apologize and beg for his forgiveness when I was only going to ask him to wait on me again.

“It’s not about me.” Dambi replied.

“But if it was… If you were me, what would you do?” I asked. Dambi pursed her lips together.

“Personally? As much as I’d be opposed to it, I’d let him go.” She shortly responded. I stared at her in silence, my heart aching at the thought.

“You would?” I asked. Dambi nodded.

“Because it’s not fair to Ren. I would release him to let him try to find his own happiness, if he finds it. By letting him go, there’s a 50% chance that after you complete your project that Ren might still be single and waiting around for you. But to continue to keep him tied down like that, going back and forth is too cruel. Sure, it was just kissing this time, but who’s to say it won’t be something more the next time? Take a page out of a chapter of my book – believing that you’re someone’s mistake is the worst feeling in the world. It hurts especially worse after allowing yourself to get more physically intimate with the other person. If you know you won’t be able to control yourself next time, then do the kid a favor and set him free.”

I painfully nodded. “I thought so…” My voice trailed off. Dambi had just said out loud what I had been thinking inside of my mind since Ren had told me that I was hurting him.

“Although I hate the way you did it, letting him go was probably the best option.” She sighed in defeat before finally turning to face me again. “Are you going to be ok? Do I need to worry about you?” What she was really asking was if I was about to do something stupid, like try to kill myself. I slowly shook my head.

“I’m going to be ok… I don’t have any other choice from here. There are many things that need to be done. That’s why I need your help. My debut show is nearing and I still feel like I’m nowhere near ready. It’s not the designs or the clothes – it’s me. I’m afraid… When I step on that stage and finally take credit for my own work, I don’t want to continue to be Seoul’s laughing stock.”

Dambi sympathetically nodded. “Then let’s get you ready, ok?”

I stared at her in shock. “Are you really sure you want to help me…?” I self-consciously asked. Dambi nodded again.

“People aren’t saints, JR…. And besides, I’m tired of watching the world step all over you. It’s your time to shine. If I can help you get there, I’ll gladly lend you a hand.” She selflessly replied, leaving me stunned and touched. I knew I didn’t deserve her help, but even still I selfishly wanted it. Even though I had royally screwed up even to the point where I had made Dambi want to punch me, she still accepted me. Why? Because even she recognized that everyone messed up from time to time. But it still didn’t excuse the horrible thing I had done to Ren that I would probably feel guilty about for a long time. I wondered if what Dambi had said had some truth to it. Was it possible that after all of this was over that Ren might still be secretly waiting for me? I knew I shouldn’t get my hopes up – I didn’t deserve to. But I just couldn’t help but wonder about it… The feelings we had for each other were strong, even I wasn’t naïve enough to deny that. But were they strong enough to stand up to the test of time? Deep down a part of me hoped so even though in reality I was already preparing myself to let go.

 

 

Baekho’s POV

After Ren had given me his number and we had both gone our separate ways for the day, I went home to think. It was a bit depressing knowing that Ren had plans while I didn’t. Of course, I never had plans. I was just somebody who was supposed to always look like he did when in reality I just sat at home watching TV or working out. When I arrived back at the house, I laid down on the couch in the living room and stared at my phone. I wondered how long I should wait before contacting him. If I texted him today, I would seem too over anxious and needy. The general rule of thumb was to wait three days after receiving someone’s number, but did that rule apply to friends as well? Could I even wait that long? I would have to. Whether I liked it or not, I was still ‘Mr. Kim.’ I had an image to uphold. In the meantime I needed to force myself to do something else to keep my mind off the waiting period. I sighed then grabbed my phone, dialing Jason’s number instead. Although he was the last person in the world I wanted to speak to at the moment, I felt like I needed to get something off my chest. Jason’s phone rang several times before he finally answered it.

“What?” He coldly answered.

“Hello to you too.” I sarcastically replied.

“Tcht.” He replied, sounding as if he were in a bad mood. Had I picked a wrong time to call him? Not that any time was a good time, that is…

“Are you that bored that you’re trying to pick a fight with me?”

Jason dryly laughed. “It seems you’re not that dense after all.”

“When are you coming back again?”

“Very, very soon. Why, are you anticipating it?” Jason said, sounding amused.

“You’re funny.”

“And you’re not.” Jason bitterly replied. “What do you want? Surely it wasn’t to ask me that, was it?” He curiously asked, still sounding irritated.

“I want to go outside.” I demanded. There was a pause on the other end of the line before Jason laughed in disbelief.

“Excuse me?”

“The clothing line is close to completion, isn’t it?”

“It’s true since extending the deadline that both JR and I have been making progress… But go outside? When the fashion world believes that you should be theoretically inside, working your off? Ha, I think you’re getting a little too cocky, ‘Mr. Kim.’”

“Can’t Mr. Kim afford to make a few non-public appearances? He’s a person too. Even you occasionally go out when you’re busy preparing for a new show, don’t you?” I asked, determined to get the green light to live again without having to fear the penalty fees of breaking my contract. Besides, I was sure of it that Jason went out. He had a heavy reputation of being a partier.

“Ah… I see what this is about.” Jason paused for a brief moment. “You’re still intent on dating Ren, aren’t you?”

“My personal life is none of your business. I’m going stir-crazy in here.”

“Then fine.” Jason surprisingly said all too simply. “Date. But don’t stick out like a sore thumb.” He replied, ignoring my last statement.

“Are you some sort of pro at it?” I said. I supposed I should be grateful that getting permission from Jason to go out was actually this easy, but I was still suspicious of his intentions. I knew he was hoping to use my relationship with Ren to rub JR the wrong way. Jason scoffed.

“My dear, do you know how many people I’ve been connected to?”

I rolled my eyes. “How many?”

“Exactly!” Jason exclaimed. “You don’t know! Because I was smart about it. You want to go outside? Fine! But do it at a time or place you won’t get caught, dating or not.”

“You were caught hundreds of times in clubs.” I accused him.

“Why do you think I throw so many parties, inviting my models? A celebration is a protective shield; as long as you’re with your models, nothing looks too strange or out of the ordinary.”

“A protective shield?” I asked. Jason suddenly paused.

“The life of a designer is a lonely one. We too need to go out sometimes and get away from the work… but at least if you surround yourself with familiar people, you don’t look as pathetic as being caught outside alone.” Jason dejectedly responded.

“You? Lonely?” I had deeply suspected it about him, but never expected for him to so easily admit.

“Tcht, who isn’t in this world?” He shot back, defending himself.

“You know that’s something you can fix about yourself, don’t you?”

“Jesus, Baekho, not even my own mother back in China scolds me as much as you do. Hanging up.” He shortly replied before delivering on his promise and hanging up on me. I climbed up on the couch and sat up, blinking. Jason had finally given me actual permission to go outside for something more than a public appearance or simply going to his studio. I wondered how I could make the most out of this newfound freedom. Although he had interpreted the situation being about dating Ren when I was simply asking for my own mental health, I couldn’t deny that having permission to go out certainly made things easier if Ren and I were to date. I glanced at the time on my phone. It was only 3PM, still too early to go out without easily being spotted. I leaned back into the couch, throwing my head back and staring boredly up into the ceiling while waiting for the time to go by. I started making all these plans about what I wanted to do, however, my eyelids grew heavy and I ended up passing out instead.

 

 

When I awoke several hours later, I immediately brought myself forward and glanced around my surroundings, momentarily forgetting where I was. The inside of the mansion was dimly lit. I furrowed my brows and grabbed my phone again, checking what time it was. My eyes widened in shock when I realized it was already past midnight. It was too late to go anywhere other than a bar or a club, neither of which I was in the mood to go to tonight. I had literally slept away my first real day of freedom. I stood up feeling agitated with myself and threw my phone into the couch cushions before making my way through the dark into the kitchen. I flipped on the light switch and walked to the refrigerator, opening it up and removing a bottle of water. As I opened it and held it up to my lips, I suddenly heard my phone chime from back in the living room. I paused for a moment, curiously glancing back over my shoulder at my phone laying on the couch cushion. Who would be texting me at a time like this? Jason? I took a big sip of water before screwing the lid back over the bottle and placing it back inside of the fridge. I slowly returned back into the living room and as I was reaching for my phone, my phone chimed several more times. I raised a brow then turned the screen on. I froze as I read the name of the person who was texting me: Ren. My heart started racing. He was contacting me already? What did he want this late? My hands nervously started shaking as I unlocked his messages.

(1:37 AM) ‘No missed message? Are your fingers broken?’

(1:38 AM) ‘Do you think you can just ignore me? Do you think I’ll just go away?’

(1:38 AM) ‘Hey!’

I furrowed my brows once again in confusion as I read Ren’s texts. What in the world…? No missed message? My phone chimed again.

(1:39 AM) ‘What are you doing that’s more important than answering me?’

Ren sent me another message. I slowly sat down on the couch, trying to understand what was going on. Was he upset with me that I hadn’t texted him today when he gave me his number?

(1:40 AM) [Frowny face emoticon]

(1:40 AM) ‘Do you know what you did to me?’

(1:40 AM) ‘You need to take responsibility!’

I paused as I read Ren’s new string of messages. What I did to him? Take responsibility? He really was mad, wasn’t he? But over not texting him? I had thought that by waiting, I was doing him a favor. Apparently that wasn’t the case. What exactly had I done to him though that I needed to take responsibility for? Unless… I froze as a sudden thought occurred to me. Had Ren… fallen for me? Why else would he be so upset with me when I literally couldn’t think of anything that I had done to him other than not sending him a message? My heart skipped a beat and I felt my face become flushed at the idea of Ren possibly liking me back. Then another thought struck me; wasn’t it too soon? And what about JR?

(1:41 AM) ‘You think you can just charm me by being so handsome and cool? You’re not that cool.’

My eyes grew wide after reading Ren’s newest message. My heart was racing. Did he really just call me… I threw the phone across the coffee table in front of me, placing both hands on the sides of my blushing face. Calm down, you’re probably reading too much into this, Baekho. If anything at this hour, Ren was probably drunk and didn’t mean any of this – My phone chimed again. My eyes grew wide again but this time in panic. I slowly leaned forward and glanced at the message on the screen of my phone on the coffee table.

(1:43 AM) ‘Dammit… you turned me into an idiot…’

I dropped both hands down to my sides and sat back into the couch, staring blankly into the wall across the room. A sudden wave of guilt washed over me. Ren had been expecting a message from me after all, and I had made him wait all day… But didn’t he supposedly have plans? Why concern himself with waiting when he had other things to do? And I had told him that if he really wanted to talk to me that he could message me any time, hadn’t I? Then what was the problem? Maybe he was hoping that I would take the first initiative. Although Ren was bold, he seemed to act awkward and rather shy whenever he was around me. A small smirk slowly spread across the corners of my lips. My plan was working. I was having the exact effect that I was hoping to have on him. After a while my phone chimed again.

(1:51 AM) ‘Is your phone out of battery???’

I chuckled, amused at Ren’s unfaltering consistency. I debated on whether to answer him or not. Apparently I took too long to decide. My phone chimed again.

(1:52 AM) ‘Recharge your phone!’

I grinned. This was actually kind of fun. I finally made my answer and decided to instead text him back in the morning, just to . I grabbed my phone and confidently stood up from the couch, taking big strides as I made my way towards my room. I stepped inside without turning on the light and glanced at my phone after it chimed again.

(1:53 AM) ‘HEY!’

I shook my head from side to side with a big smile on my lips before tossing the phone on the bed and tearing my shirt off from over my head. I stripped down to my boxers before slipping into a pair of pajama bottoms and leaping into bed on my stomach. I buried my face into my pillow, feeling as if I were sitting on cloud nine as a result of Ren’s recent behavior. I raised my face up from the pillow, staring into the bed headboard. It was strange though… Why was Ren suddenly acting like this? I thought back to the scene at the café the other day in which JR and Ren were smiling and comfortably addressing one another. They had clearly looked smitten and I was certain that Ren still like JR. So then why would he suddenly tell me to take responsibility after turning him into an idiot? Although I had been discreetly flirting with him all along, during which moment had his feelings changed? Something suddenly didn’t seem right. Maybe… maybe those messages weren’t meant for me after all? Was it simply a case of a mistaken number? My smile slowly faded and my heart sunk from imagining the disappointment of receiving a text that was meant for someone else. There was only one way of clarifying everything, and that would be to ask the man directly himself. If only tomorrow could get here sooner.

 

 

The next morning when I awoke I instantly checked my phone to see if I had anymore missed messages. To my disappointment I had none. I sighed then climbed out of bed and went about my usual morning routine. I showered, dressed, and then forced myself to eat all the while feeling anxious. By the time I had accomplished everything that I needed to, it was already close to 10 AM without any word from Ren. I tightly pursed my lips while sitting down at the dining table with my phone in front of me. I needed to make good on my promise and finally text him back like I said I would. I pulled up the message log between me and Ren which so far only consisted of his messages. I slowly began typing.

(9:57 AM) ‘We need to talk. Meet me at Jason’s studio in thirty minutes. Don’t be late.’

I finally hit send then waited. I had about a million questions that I needed to ask him that I needed answers to. Mostly, I needed to know if any of those messages were a mistake. Were they meant for me, or were they meant for someone else? And if they were for me, I needed to know just how it was that he really felt about me so that I could take responsibility like how he told me I should. I thought about the possibility of him texting the wrong number and tried to think of conflicting factors to render this theory void. He could have been drunk, in which case he could have accidentally texted the wrong number or purposely texted the right one. When drunk, people usually did things that they wouldn’t ordinarily do because the alcohol gave them courage. Several minutes after I had sent my first message to him, a sudden though occurred to me. How would Ren react to seeing my first response? I was all too easily able to picture him becoming too embarrassed to want to show his face to me. I worriedly started typing again.

(10:00 AM) ‘Don’t think about running and avoiding this either.’

I hit send, not wanting to provide him an outlet to run and hide. I put my phone away and stood, walking over towards the front door and grabbing Mr. Kim’s trademark sunglasses before kicking on my shoes in the doorway. I opened the door and stepped outside in a dark grey dress shirt buttoned up half-ways and black skinny jeans adorned with a black leather belt around my waist and a black cross necklace around my neck. I threw on my black coat and sunglasses then climbed inside of my car, making my way down to Jason’s studio. I arrived fifteen minutes later and parked my car inside of the parking garage next door then walked the rest of the way to the studio. As I was approaching the front door to Jason’s shop, I spotted Ren holding his head down and walking in my direction. Upon first seeing him, his state and appearance immediately alarmed me. His usual neatly styled blonde hair and his clothes were a tussled mess. I stopped and waited on the sidewalk outside of the shop, all the while sensing that something wasn’t quite right with him. When Ren finally approached me, he slowly drew his head back and looked at me with puffy red eyes. My jaw slightly dropped at seeing him like this and I quietly grew worried about him. Ren hesitantly spoke up.

“About last night, I think I should explain.” He said.

“… Is everything alright?” I asked, momentarily forgetting about the string of text messages he had sent me and more focused on him right now. Ren gave me a surprised, uncomfortable look as he caught me staring at his red eyes. He tilted his head downward again, shifting his gaze off to the side.

“Mmm, I’m fine.” He replied, even though he clearly wasn’t. A long moment of awkward silence passed between us. I continued to worriedly stare at him. His haphazard appearance, the strong smell of wine, the swollen face… It finally connected with me that something must have happened last night to him involving JR. When he had rejected my plans because he had already had prior ones, I had automatically assumed they were with JR. And overhearing the way Ren had talked about his feelings for JR that one day back inside of Jason’s office, I could only put two and two together. The only thing I could imagine that would cause him to be like this was if the two had fought. Either way, I hated seeing him like this. After a while it was clearly evident that my staring was making Ren feel further uncomfortable and he spoke up. “Um, about those messages-” He started to say when I wordlessly removed my sunglasses and handed them over towards him, making him pause. He stared down at them and then back up at me with confused eyes, not taking them. I shook my head.

“You don’t need to explain.” I replied, trying hard not to show my disappointment after having figured it out on my own that those messages hadn’t been for me after all. I held the glasses up higher for him to take after he still refused to accept them. “Take them.”

Ren stared at me with teary eyes. He sniffled then shook his head. “Those are yours. I can’t take them-” He protested, as I expected he would. Instead of waiting for him to take them I brought them up over his face and rested them on the bridge of his nose. Ren remained standing silent and motionless for a couple of seconds before he finally spoke up, his voice shaking. “I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” I asked. Ren held his head down low, keeping the glasses shielded over his eyes.

“For everything.” He started to softly cry. I frowned then looked around our surroundings to check if anyone was watching us. With no one immediately around, I walked around him and wrapped my right arm behind his back, pushing him forward with me.

“Let’s not do this out here.” I replied. Ren slowly started to walk with me, following me back into the parking garage and out of plain sight. When we arrived at my car we both stopped. I reached forward for the backseat handle and pulled the door open for him. Ren remained still with his head held downwards.

“Is it… really ok?” He quietly asked. I nodded.

“Don’t worry about it and get in.” I reassured him. Ren nodded then slowly climbed into the backseat. Once he was in, I shut the door and walked around and climbed into the driver’s seat and started the car. I glanced back to find him sitting in the right corner with his head still hanging downwards. “Is there somewhere I can take you?”

Ren didn’t move or answer me.

“Can you think of anywhere you would want to go?” I asked, rephrasing my question.

“Can you take me home?” He quietly asked, still not looking at me.

“Understood.” I replied then pulled out of the parking garage, driving out into the street and in the direction of Ren’s apartment. The next several minutes were spent in silence. Ren didn’t speak up and neither did I. When we finally arrived, I parked the car on the side of the road and got out with him. I walked around the car and met up with him, standing directly in front of him. Ren suddenly bowed before me.

“I’m sorry. I’m just a wreck. I’m nothing but bad luck.” Ren apologized once again to me. I placed both hands on his shoulders and raised him back up.

“You’re human.”

“Am I?” Ren sullenly said. “I thought I must be some sort of rag doll these days…” He murmured the last part. I rose a brow, wondering what he could be referring to but understanding nothing.

“Ren,” I started to say but he spoke up.

“About those messages, sorry, I was drunk.” He replied. “They weren’t meant for you.” Although it stung as he said this, I kept a firm look on my face. Besides, it wasn’t as if I hadn’t suspected or known this on my own. It just hurt to have in confirmed right in front of me.

“I suspected.” I said, trying to brush it off.

“I mean, how could I just send those things to you? You’re my boss…” Ren’s voice trailed off. I tightly pursed my lips together and nodded.

“I suppose I am.” I replied, feeling somewhat dejected on the inside but remaining unmoved on the outside. So that was it then. Not even a friend – just his boss.

“I understand if you want to fire me.” Ren suddenly said, making me pause.

“Fire you? Why would I fire you?” I asked in amazement. The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind but clearly it had crossed his. It was funny. Ren was the one who had made the blunder and yet I felt as if I was the one being punished.

“I was out of line.” Ren guiltily replied behind my sunglasses.

“You’re always out of line.” I replied, trying to lighten up the mood by slightly teasing him.

“But this time I really went too far.” Ren replied. I removed my hands from his shoulders and folded them across my chest, taking a step back. I nodded.

“You’re right. You did go too far. But it’s something only you and I know about, something that can be easily overlooked.” I said, trying to reassure him. Ren stared at me beneath the dark frames over his eyes.

“Baekho, can I ask you something?” He asked then waited. I nodded and he continued. “Am I some sort of joke?”

“What do you mean?”

“Everyone keeps overlooking my mistakes. Jason does it, you do it… Why? Before being cast by Jason, modeling recruiters used to laugh in my face or patronize me over my clumsiness or inexperience. And these were agencies that were nowhere near the level of JA Style or House of Kim! I thought that the higher I moved up on the hierarchy of fashion companies, the harder it would get, but so far neither one of you have punished me for any of my mistakes. I mean, come on, I accidentally stole one of Jason’s suits and sent you inappropriate messages and all I’ve been getting is a slap on the wrist. I can’t help but think that if it had been any other model, they might not be here right now… And when you say things like you’re willing to overlook what I did, I almost feel insulted. What sets me apart from everyone else? Why am I any different? I messed up! I can’t keep getting special treatment from everyone around me, that’s not what I want…” Ren exclaimed, visibly upset. I quietly stared at him.

“Why is it that everyone can see it but you?” I replied.

“What?”

“Yes, you’re different. In fact, you’re very different from all the other models Jason or I have ever seen. What makes you special is that you’re a hidden gem. You’re rough around the edges, but admired by many. You’re not something that either of us wants to lose.”

“Admired by many, huh? Then why couldn’t he see it? Apparently not everyone feels that way about me…” Ren dryly laughed. “So I’m pretty on the outside? But what to do about the inside? On the inside I’m a horrible mess. There’s more to me than just a pretty face.”

“I know.” I bravely replied. Ren paused.

“…You do?” He slowly asked before shaking his head from side to side, still upset. “How can I expect to be taken seriously if even you won’t do it?”

“What is it that you want for me to do?” I asked.

“Something, not nothing!” Ren shot back. I had a feeling that this was more than just about modeling. Ren was in a very dark place, one in which I hated seeing him in. I suddenly took a step forward and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him in forward and leaning him against my chest. I felt Ren freeze up against me before slowly tilting his head back and looking up at me from underneath my sunglasses with furrowed and confused brows. I nervously took a deep breath and exhaled heavily.

“Is this enough?” I asked. Ren raised his left hand and lightly hit me in my chest.

“Stop it… I’ll get you in trouble again. They’ll see…” His voice shook as he warned me while trying to pull away. I tightened my hold on him.

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll just sue them if they print anything.”

“Baekho…” Ren’s bottom lip started to tremble again before he eventually allowed himself to break down in front of me. His left hand dropped down to his side and he buried his face with the sunglasses into my chest, quietly sobbing. He continuously apologized in between cries. It seemed like whatever he had gone through with JR last night, it must have marked the end of something that he didn’t want to or wasn’t ready to let go of. Needless to say, Ren was on his own now, alone and broken hearted. And although I wanted nothing more at this moment than to pour my heart out to him, I knew better. I wanted to do this the right way, not become somebody’s rebound. Instead I would have to settle for being his friend, or his boss, for at least a little while longer until he was ready to move on even though on the inside it was secretly killing me.