Instant collapsing took place right on the unblemished floor in Incheon airport.

Thriving for safety, my reflection of myself appeared on the tile.

Unbearable moans blubbered out, hands closed to fists, I try to fight it, I really do.

But why do I always end up loosing?

Thats the thing with cancer, there's no cure...

...So I can't win.

***

I lifted my eyes, the first thing I thought of was that I'm in my usual room in the hospital again back in South Korea.

Things like these: Break downs, heart attacks, malfunctions, etc. Its almost like a everyday thing now ~ I'm too used to it and I always expect to see myself wake up to a hospital.

But then I thought when will it be my real time? When death really overcomes me?

Noone is here currently, not even Bom, usually I'd find her next to me, she's either out getting lunch, taking the kids to the play area or packing new clothes from the house.

My suitcase is nearby, I dared myself to get up and open it despite all these wires attatched and injected in me.

Safely, I took out a box, a compacted one. Its locked, I hid the key close by which I still remember, I opened it to see piles of blank paper and envelopes alongside with my notebook and pen.

Slightly letting out a sigh, I took the pen and mustered up to write the letters.

A good 2 hours later, I sealed 4 of them specially with melted wax from a candle.

The letters were a labelled as 'For Jung Hwan when he enlists in the army.' and 'For Liqui on her marriage day.' Etc.

Lastly, I filled in the very last part of my notebook and locked them all away in this box I secured specially for my family.

Patiently, I waited with the box in my hands, staying in the bed for Boms arrival.

There was a time when Bom did come but that was quite a while after.

"I knew you'd be alive, you always will be." Bom comes in cheerfully as she greets me with a kiss planted on my forehead. "Whats that you got there?" She notices the box I have been holding for the past hour.

"Can I see? I want to see!" the kids jumped up on the bed themselves to get a good perspective of the box.

My lips transformed into a crescant just by watching the kids smile. After they finished scanning the box, they politley returned it to me. "Its for you and the kids." I handeed it to Bom, trusting she'd take care of it in her possession.

"Omma! Open it!" Liqui excitedley hopes for her wish to be granted.

"Do I open it?" Bom had trouble opening it since I gave no key yet.

"No." I took out the key that I hid in my pillow, this time it has a string attatched, the appearance is nothing special but at least Bom will be holding it close.

"When do I open it?" Innocently, Bom smiles, unknowing of what will come.

I signalled her to come closer, she bent her head over so I can place the necklace on her. "You'll know when its time."

"What?" Bom still had no idea.

I didnt want to just bomb it on them, I didnt want to tell them my thoughts - it would crush them. Just one simple question I will ask. "If I disappear, will you still look for me?"

"Yes!" Liqui squeeled with no hesitation, she leaped in for a hug that I didnt expect, wrapping her small arms around my neck as she plunged her body onto mine.

I gaped at Yong Sun who fiddled with his fingers, Did he listen or is he having his own thoughts? I had no intentions of aiming that question at the kids but considering Liquis feelings, I thought of Yong Sun aswell.

"Erm....I got you...err pizza." Bom wiggles her head, acting as if she was dumb. "You remember, right? At the pizza place I used to work part time at around 5 years ago, you said you were craving for it." Rapidly she speaks, bowing her head, avoiding contact with me as she fiddles around trying to find it.

"Where? Do you need any help?" I leant my body to her side and looked down at the floor, scanning where it was located.

"No!" Bom threw a bomb, completely wanting to avoid me at all costs as she shouts it away. "errr..." She stares reluctantly back at me, lifting the sides of her hair behind her ears to rest on. "I must of left it downstairs." Again, she fiddles and scratches her scalp, and runs out the door.

Yong Sun worridley gets off the bed to run after her, I did nothing but watch, his height didnt make the cut to twist the door knob. Its a shame, I really wanted him to check if Bom is okay, despite the fact that he'll be alone in this hospital.

Then it struck me, I remembered I had a camera installed outside my door a few months ago to check my visitors.

At my command, Yong Sun went to get me the remote under the tv which was hung up opposite my bedside.

With Liqui on my lap, my right hand held her waist to keep her stable and I havent used my left hand for quite some time therefore it was difficult to use the remote.

But in no time, I was able to put the camera up on the screen, with that,Yong Sun sat close by.

"Look! I see mommy!"  Liqui points at the bottom of the screen. This wasnt any normal pointing out,it took me to surpise, why? Because Liqui exclaimed in Mandarin, it was one of those proud father moments.

I realised that because of that, I was gone for such a long time, enough time for Bom to teach some of my language.

Back to the point, I squinted my eyes at the bottom of the screen, its black and white, also not in HD but it was clear enough to tell it was Bom crouched down into a ball as many were walking past.

I must've broke her heart...

***

Again, I woke up in the hospital room.

But I felt nothing attatched to me which was strange, none of the beeping of the machines ~ nothing.

My clothing, its white, its my wedding suit im wearing, what is this?

Since nothing was attatched to me, I assumed that my body is okay. Even so, I had to think about this. Cautiously, I got up perfectly with no mistakes, no flaws and no pain.

The mirror was close, I walked up to it, my face, my hair, my body, it's been fully changed, I look exactly like I did 4 years ago on the altar as I watched Bom walk down on her own.

Suddenly, my eyes were locked at my hospital bed on the reflection of my mirror, there's a green cover on it. As if it was covering something. Something big, human-size even.

I had an idea of what it could be but no that couldnt be...

I took some time to think about it but enough was enough, I had to check whats on my bed.

The heel of my pale ivory shoes clicked on the ground as I took steps closer.

Deeply breathing it, my hand hovered over my pillow was located but all I kept wandering is whats on my pillow and under that green blanket?

With courage, I took a firm grasp on to it but my weight pummeled down to the floor, going straight through the bed. I stayed on the same position for the time being.

I can't be dead.

I know I admitted by death coming close but no, not now. I am not ready, I couldnt of died after seeing Bom heartbroken. I would of left after seeing them happy. I would of fought for it.

I had no memory or feeling of pain, the last time I remember was in the airport. I can't be dead. I kept telling myself. The more I keep saying that, the more I believe that its my corpse above me.

My position is still identical, I'm still on the ground.

"You have to let me in!" A feminine voice echoed through the door.

"Family only." A deeper one breathed out. The walls are so hollow that I could hear the reporters flashing.

"I am family! Goddammit, let me in!" Not long until I realised it was Bom. Why didnt I recognise her voice the first time? Because she's provocative and I havent seen that side of her in a while.

Walking through the walls, aproximatley 5 dozen people were outside, three quarters are reporters eagerly taking pictures of the door for the newspapers, ready to tell everyone that the eldest son of the chairman of Wu incoorperated is dead.

I hate reporters. Because of them, my own wife couldnt get passed, she got nudged to the back by force.

"Mommy, why are there strangers outside daddys room?" Liqui held tightly onto Boms hands, asking innocently.

"Are we going to go in?" Yong Sun peaked up. "Why are you crying? Are you sad?"

For the childrens sake, quickly, Bom wipes the liquid away from her sore face. "I'm okay."

Typical of Bom to say that actually. One day, the kids will finally realise that when she says those two words, they'll know something is wrong for sure.

"I want to see daddy." Liquis lips tremble, on the verge of screaming out a painful cry.

"We will, I promise you.." Bom ensured to stop Liqui from drenching out her eyes.

Promises, After myself, I wouldnt trust anyway, I mean- I did promise I'd stay but I broke it even after I thought I never would but the positive outcome was that I was prepared. By prepared, I mean I left letters for them so this isnt my last goodbye.