They say there are 5 stages to lung cancer, non-small cell lung cancer that is:

Stage 0 -  It has not penetrated the surface lining of the lungs but is found in certain areas, this is when you start showing symptoms.

Stage I - The lung cancer is confind to the lungs and is surrounded by normal tissue.

Stage II - Lung Cancer has spread to nearby lymph nodes. This is when you start recieving treatments such as chemotharapy, radiation, etc.

Stage III - Lung Cancer has spread to the diaphgram, chest wall or other nearby blood vessels or organs.

Stage IV and above is considered TERMINAL and death is inevitable.

So far, I'm considered to be on Stage II, being a survivor is a priority to me.

But then there are 5 stages of grief.

Stage I - Denial, Making yourself believe that it isnt real, 'This isnt happening.', 'I'm just dreaming' and 'I'm sure im perfectly fine.'

Stage II - Anger, Starting to blame everything on yourself. 'Why is this happening to me?', 'Why me? Why not someone else?' And 'This is all my ing fault.'

Stage III - Bargaining, 'I promise I'll be a better person if...' and 'If I get through this, I'll do whatever it takes.'

Stage IV - Depression, When you dont give a anymore. 'I don't really care.', 'Leave me alone.' and 'I hate everyone and everything.'

Stage V - Acceptance, This is when you're ready for whatever comes.

Me? Well frankly, I don't know what stage I am, I'm not worried about it either.

What I'm worried about is the stage my family is in.

***

December 5th, 2020.

3 years trapped inside the infirmary, 3 years away from home, 3 years...3 years of Stage III lung cancer.

I turned the page where it revealed more vivid pictures compared to the other page, the colours seemed to have gotten the kids attention. "'A persons a person, no matter how small.'" I read off the book, it used to be a favorite book of mine, its called 'The Cat In The Hat' by Dr.Seuss, the twins seemed to like it alot by the smiles on their face.

Both of them had one arm each of mine around them as I laid in the comfort of a hospital bed. "Appa." My 3-year-old daughter crawls up to my chest to make sure I listen to her. "I'm a person," she giggles inside her own world. "and I'm small!" Just by the small things they do, it makes my day.

"Thats right!" I agreed to her satisfaction. Looking over at Yong Sun who was sitting silently under my right arm, had his free index finger pointing at the cat whilst he busily on the thumb of his other hand. "What are you doing there, son?" I patted his head.

"Its a cat!" He points.

"Do you like cats?" I nodd.

He pouts, wanting to avoid them. "No...."

A little, my mouth blurted out a chuckle.

Soon after, Bom opens the door to my room with a bag of Chinese takeway. "I got duck, dumplings and Lo mein." She checks off the list I had given her.

Alone, she prepares the food on the table which hovered above my legs on the bed. "Can you believe that you've been doing this for 3 years?"

"3 years is long enough to get used to it." Finishing off, she takes her seat beside me. "Besides, it doesnt bother me."

Yong Sun openly took a held of the remote nearby, questioning me on how to turn on the tv. "You press the red button." I taught, pointing at the button on the top right corner.

Succesfully, he turns the tv on with the news flashing at us, it appeared with the soldiers of the South Korean army coming home to their families, putting a smile on all of our faces.

"I want to be in the army!" Yong Sun, whos eyes were glued to the screen, babbled.

"No! The army is scary!" Liqui disapproved.

"But look at the cool ahjussi's!" He points at some unlucky soldiers who returned injured, some didnt even make it back. Its possible he understands the situation however its unlikely.

"Are you going to train in the army for 2 years?" I asked as if I didnt know the answer, even though I did ~ its the law to train for 2 years in the army if I'm not mistaken.

"No, I want to fight."

From the corner of my eye, I could see Boms eyes widen alot, even if I didnt see, I could feel it ~ is she disapproving or shocked?

"F-fight? Why?"

Before Yong Sun explains himself, I glanced back at Bom who bit her lip. "Erm...." He hesitates, making us anticipate for his answer. "Because its cool." He finishes off with a twinkled laugh.

I continued to stuff the food into my mouth as the news carried on playing.

"I want to watch Pororo!" Liqui whines, pouting specifically to me and Bom as she ignores Yong Sun.

"Yong Sun, is it okay if we watch Pororo? You like Pororo." Bom gives a friendly smile that even I couldnt deny. Yong Sun willingly gives the remote to Bom after hearing 'Pororo', the twins' favorite tv show.

As Bom changed the channel, the last glimpse of the news that we saw was a graphic and disturbing image of the late soldiers who fought hard for the country but couldnt make it back home.

The twins locked their attention at the show as I continued to eat peacefully but Bom sat silently. Somethings concerning her and I know shes going to speak to me about it ~ its like I could feel it.

"How do you want to be burried?"

Instantly, I dropped my chopsticks, I wasnt careless enough to let it fall off the bowl though. I sat there starring and not stopping until she learns.

"What?" Bom shruggs as if it was nothing. "Theres nothing wrong with planning early." how can she be so careless?

"I said it once, I'll say it again: I'm not leaving. I'm not leaving Liqui, I'm not leaving Yong Sun and I'm not leaving you." I emphasised, reinforcing the fact that I'm staying.

"Appa?" Liqui turns her head to me, she started creating tears which fell slowly across her cheek with nothing coming out of . "You're leaving?" Straight away, tears flooded down her face where cries were being heard now.

I felt someone drop their weight against my chest,its Yong Sun who laid down on me for support. "Appa, I dont want you to go." He mummbles but with no cries.

Bom scurries to the other side of the bed where Liqui was, we both calmed her down to stop the crying. "Liqui," I swipe her fringe to the side to show the potential in her eyes. "I'm not going anywhere."

She smacks her own hand against her face then harshly wipes away her tears where she was left with swollen cerise eyes. "Daddy, when will you come back home?"

"Soon."

"Promise?"

Both Liqui and Yong Sun held out their pinky finger in sync as if their twin telepathy was in tact. Without hesitating, I held both my right and left hand, one for each of them, and sealed our deal with a pink promise. "I promise."

***

15th December, 2021

Another year trapped inside the hospital. Bom and the kids must be tired from visiting every single day without fail but being tired didnt stop them, they were always by my side.

However,

That doesnt mean we talk.

Me and Bom became very distant over the past year, she comes and goes, thats all, we dont communicate, its only me and the kids with our conversations, sometimes I wonder if shes like this at home...its like...she doesnt even care anymore.

Just like every other day, she comes by again and let the kids run around free in the room whilst she reads one of her books.

Its been bugging me lately, I dont know if I should talk about it with her or not, sometimes shes not the type to talk about it and sometimes she is. It all depends on the mood shes in but how do I know what mood shes in if she keeps the same blank face everyday?!

Tapping on the hospital table tray, I had thoughts on how to start the conversation. "Can you stop? Its annoying." She tells me off bluntly. I take my hand off the table and gently pushed it away. "Thanks." She whispers before going back to her book.

I dont understand how my tapping is annoying her whereas there are louder sounds surrounding us like the kids playing tag around the room.

Please Subscribe to read the full chapter