Chapter 9. 

Daehyun diary.
Day 7.

Truth. Is something you want to know until the day you see it. 
But I can only remember. Remember the truth. 
I remember. I remember little parts of them. A name, a blurred face, a voice. They mean something now.
But why is It too painful ? Why did I have to give them so much pain ?

I hope they will forgive me one day.
I can't wait seeing them again.
I can't wait sing again. I miss singing so much. I miss the group so much. I miss the fans so much. It warms my heart thinking that I will see them again.

But I keep waiting. It will be one week. The doctors said that they will call them soon. But why not now ? I can almost walk normaly. I can speak. I can hear the voices all around me. What is wrong ? Tell me what is wrong.

It feels so good singing again. When I sing, I can express freely my emotions that I had too long retain. I feel like I reborn. But I can't remember the songs I sang before. I wanted to try to find some informations about the band on internet, but the doctors stopped me. 

I can't wait see them again. Hug them so tightly that they can't breathe. Say what I haven't the time to say. Feel the life in their bodies lightning my heart. Smile to the world which gave me the chance to see the light in their eyes again. I miss so much the sparks of happiness they used to throw in my head. 

My heart is empty without them. Each night I think of what I will say to them.

I'm scared. Of what will they do when they will see me again. Will they jump in my arms ? Will they freeze at the doorstep ? Will they don't recognize me ? 
And if I gave them to much pain ? If they don't want to see me ? If they wanted to forget me ? 
I'm affraid. If I made them cry ? If I made them give up ? 

I'm scared of being forgotten. I'm scared of being the reason of their sadness. Of be the only one who brought pain in their lives. 

I have to hope. Hope that they always think that I will wake up.
Or that they already forget me.


The old man is coughing beside me. I give him some water. His hand is trembling. And he seems so weak. His lips shake a little. He's trying to say something... I go closer.
His skin is white and dry. It remains me the crumpled papers Yongguk used to throw above his shoulder when he was writting songs. Songs I can't remember a single word...
The rough words of the old man seem to hurt his fragile throat :
- Come here. Come here. There is something I want to yell you.
I slowly sit down beside his bed. He seems weaker than the previous days. The pain had incised dark circles under his eyes. His dry lips try again to wishper :
- Will you tell me your name ?
- Daehyun...
The old man take a long breath. 
- Daehyun...
I like the sound of my name with his voice. It's reassuring and protective. His rough voice pierce again the silence of the room :
- Daehyun. Will you tell me why are you so sad ? 
I swallow. How can I tell him if myself I didn't know ? But with this man I didn't know, I feel like I can express freely what was in my heart. 
I close my eyes. And remember all of them.
- There are people in this world I miss so much. I don't know where are they. I don't know if they just remember my name. At first, what I only wanted, was that they didn't forget me. That they could quickly come here and I can hug them. That I could finally find a reason of my life here. 
But isn't it selfish ? And if they only suffered by reminding me ? If the persons I wanted the most to protect have been too hurt ? If they lived happily after forgetting me.
I know how remembering is painful. I don't want them to live that. Even more if it's because of me. 
I don't know what to think.

The old man's eyes seem a bit wet. Maybe it was just an impression. But his face is still froze in a mask of pain. Why do this man seems always suffering ? His voice is just a murmur in the cold silence of the room :
- Don't be sad. Do you think that those persons wanted to see you like this ? Wanted to see you crying because you worry about them ? You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you. Don't let them make you sad if they don't deserve to see you suffering. If they loved you with all they were, they wouldn't give you so much pain. Trust me. The last thing they wanted to mean to you is being painfully remembered. You can choose. Let them hurt you. Or let them go. I know it's hard...

No...No...No...

- I don't want to forget them ! I'm so close to see them again and you tell me to give up ? I can't. I can't give up. I can't forget them. I rather wait a little alone instead never hear their voices again. Can't you understand ? I miss them so much. The last thing I want to do before dying, is hugging them a last time. They are the only ones who stayed from my previous life. The ones who keep me alive. What will I do if I know that I will never see them again ? 

The old man looked at me with wide eyes. I realize that I was about to shout.

- Sorry. Sorry I wouldn't shout...

The old man looked away. As if he doesn't want to meet my eyes. His voice seems so weak, as if he was about to cry :

- You have to be strong.

- I don't understand. You are strong, don't you ? You live while the persons you loved are gone.

- It's not being strong. You are strong when you have nothing to loose. You are unbreakable.

- But... And them ? I can't forget. I have to remember.

Sadly, his eyes caught my eye. I feel like I couldn't escape. 

- So, prepare to fall.

 29468.