Chapter 17.

Daehyun diary.
Day...

80 years ?
80 years...

It means that...

It means that I was right.
That it was just hid in a corner of my head.
That I knew it. I just didn't want to believe it.

It means that...

They are gone.
They are dead.
They aren't in his world anymore.
They... Are... Just... Gone...

Gone since the start.
Gone before I wake up.
Gone...

I woke up into a nightmare.

I couldn't believe it. But they gave me proofs. Newspaper.
Breaking news.
"Moon Jongup, former member of BAP, was found drowned in the Cheonggyecheon river. Accident, criminal and suicidal hypothesis.He died a few weeks after is friend, Daehyun, involved in a car accident. He was on his way to see his friend at the hospital, and he couldn't say him goodbye [...]"
"Choi Junhong, known as Zelo of BAP, committed suicide early this morning. Overdose of pills. We suppose that he couldn't accept the accident of his friend Daehyun, two years ago. People are talking about a curse on those 6 men. The 3 members left, Yongguk, Youngjae and Himchan were so much affected by the death that they couldn't attempt at the official ceremony [...]"
"Yoo Youngjae, a former idol, died this morning at the hospital. It was found that a significant quantity of his brain cells was missing in his brain. It could be the result of an illegal operation. Since the accident of his friend, Jung Daehyun, in coma since 3 years, Youngjae stopped his career and started living in a small unhealthy flat, separated from any form of social life. He gave up in the world [...]"
"Kim Himchan, compositor in his own company, was found dead 2 days after his disappearance. He died from exposure and dehydratation of these cold winter nights.Remember that he disapear after the 50 anniversary of Jung Daehyun's accident. He was oppressed by an invented curse created by michiavellian people. Unfortunately, Himchan believed it and died by condemning himself [...]"
"Bang Yongguk, famous rapper, died of old age this night. He was on the side of Daehyun, his friend kept in coma since 80 years. The story of these 6 men who didn't gave up on the hope of seeing their friend is going right across the whole world.[...]"

And I didn't burst into tears. I didn't fell down. I just held my breath.
But my mind knew. Since the start.
It's just that I would accept the truth.

It explains a lot.
I've the answers now.
And what did the truth brought me ?
Pain. Pain and only pain.
The answers destroyed me.
Maybe never know should be better.
But I know I'll couldn't living without. So I had to be broken if I wanted to live.
But how can I live without them ? They were all I had. The reason for not giving up. The hope that filled my sky, anywhere I was. They were the ones who made me who I am.
And it will never change.

They were my life. And they are gone.

Have you ever felt like life is no longer for you ?
I can't destroy what destroys me. Because it's the most precious thing I have.

I have to let you go.
Accept that you are gone.
That I will never see you again.
That I will never say "Hello" again.
That I will never feel the weight of you hugging me.
That I will never say how much I miss you. How much I love you. How much I will.
I think it's time I let you go. And that's so hard to do because all of myself will miss and love you for the rest of my life. But the daydreaming, the running in place, it's not healthy. So, this is me, cutting the cord. This is me doing what I should have done months, years ago. Saying goodbye.

When I thought you were near, you just fade away a long time ago.
We never know the last time we'll see a person.
I’m letting go of the people I haven’t been able to forget. I’m raising up the people who I haven’t been able to be with. Time passes like water flows. There are memories that I couldn’t hold onto. It’s the reason why I look beyond the horizon again today. The flowers and trees of my heart are withering. The memories are buried too deep, I can’t take them out. It is beautiful that they are asleep in that place.
Just the way they are.
It’s sad, it’s sad.

I'm not sure this is a world I belong anymore. I'm not sure that I want to wake up.

It's hard. It's hard. I can't. But I know I have to. Have to let you go.

I will never see you again.

I used to say that I was unbreakable. But I can't hide it. Now, I'm just broken. I can't stop my tears.

I miss you so much. I miss you every day even stronger. You're keep in me. It hurts so much. Reality, truth hurts so much. I never lost that little steam of hope hid in my heart.

It's alright to break down sometimes. Humans are strong. But they aren't unbreakable. They have the right to be sad. But I hope you weren't too hurt be me. I can't deny it. I've hurt you. I've hurt you so much that I know you were broken.

The thing with broken clocks is you can always tell exactly when they stopped ticking.
With people it isn't so easy, and sometimes you can't even tell
They're broken.

Memories are the only thing which keep you near me.
Memories which reminds me what I've lost.
But you're here. You're keep here.
There is something I can do. I can at least remember you.
Even if our promise is broken.
Our promise to be together forever.
I can make it on my own.
You're, all of you, keep in my heart. There is a place where we can be together.
Because you're here, in my heart, my mind, my memory.
You will always be here.

I can remember some part of a song which was important. Very important for us. But I can only remember the verses. Maybe because the refrain was only for all of us. For us together...

Along with the lights that turn off one by one
The hope in my heart
Disappears slowly as well.
In this world where everything has stopped
When I feel like I’m alone,
I think of you.

You protected me in this sad darkness
When you smiled brightly.
Because of you, I’m here.
I will protect all of your memories.

I’ve ran without rest
When I missed you, I held it in.
But, everything means nothing
If I'm not with you.
You’re the last button that will fill my heart.

If you’re lonely, I’m lonely too.
No one can replace you.
All day, I only think of you,
How about you?
You and me, if we’re together,
Everything is OK.

But I know it will never happen again.

You’re the one who saved me from this deep darkness.
I remember your precious tears.
I want to hug you from behind.
I will protect all of your memories.

When you’re tired and suffering, I’ll hug you.
If no one’s on your side, I’ll embrace you.
Trust me.
So we can meet in our dreams.
I’ll love you forever.

The doctors came in my room this morning. I never saw them as worried as they were now.
The sat next to my bed, and, with that frightening sadness in their eyes, they told me :

- Daehyun, we have something important to tell you...

I smiled. The doctors and their
precautions... Nothing could break me more than I have endured.

- We, we...
The doctor took a deep breath, and continued with a trembling voice :
- Daehyun, when you were sleeping, we couldn't stop your vital functions. Your heart was beating in slow motion, but he beat during 80 years. And it seems that you have... You have a heart failure.

I held my breath. Maybe it was just...
The doctor continued :
- We can do something... We, we can do an operation, we can do a heart transplant...
But only if you want to... I know it's hard but...

The doctor didn't end his sentence.
My heart skipped a beat. My mind slowly escaped.
Death could be sometimes a gift. For some people, it's just a delivrance. Only people who have nothing to loose. No one they can make cry.

I looked deeply in his eyes :
- I think we can just end here. I have nothing to loose. But nothing to prove. Nothing to add in this world. Nothing to do for making it better. Do you know why I keep breathing ?

- N-no.

- I promise I'll remember them. I will always. Until the end.

The doctor stood up, stuttered some words and left.

I was alone.

I closed my eyes and thought. Thought of them. Thought of the hope of seeing them just one last time never existed.
That they were lost. Forever.

This is the end. The end and we're not together. We dreamt about it. This lost destiny where we could living on each other side.

This is the end. I don't know if there's any world after. But I don't care. The me who is living now will be the one and only me. I'm glad that I've known all of you. I don't want to end my life forgetting with the excuse of living with you in a better world.

I don't think there is any world after. It's like this. Our moments together ended a long time ago. And it's lost. It will never happen again.

This is the end, and we're not together.

295... I don't know. And it doesn't matter anymore.