Chapter 16.

Yongguk memories.

The gravel crunched under Yongguk's feet. The night was cold. The shadows were long. The distant echoes were fading in the mourning twilight. 

Yongguk saw the barriers of the cimetery and stopped. His old heart was banging against his chest. His hands were trembling.

It's been a long time...

Yongguk entered in the cimetery, step by step, the mist of his breath shaking in the cold night. Snowflakes were slowly falling, bringing a bit of light in the darkness of the place. Yongguk closed his eyes and reached what he was looking for. The graves. 

They were here. The graves. Cold. Empty. Empty of any trace of life that used to filled them. There weren't any trace of them left in this world. They were gone. Just gone. Gone like the dust dancing with the wind. Gone like they never existed. 

Yongguk knelt down in front of the first grave. The oldest. The words on it were barely readable.

Jongup. One more angel reached the sky.

Yongguk voice was trembling :

- Jongup... I wish that you reached the sky and you're watching me now. If in a way you can see me, I want to say that I miss you too much. That I keep thinking of you since the day you're gone. I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss the days we spent together. They're too far now. I want to remember your voice. It fade away in my mind. You're erased, Jongup. My mind is erasing you, Jongup. Why can't I at least remember the persons the most important. I don't- I don't want to forget you Jongup. You're so precious. I don't want to loose you. Don't leave me... Why are you blurred in my mind ? Why can't I remind the shape of your smile ? Why ? Why can't I keep you near with me ? Jongup... Jongup, will you stay on my side. A little more. I don't need years. I just need a few days. Please, stay in my mind. If I remember you a little more, there is a way. There is a way to be together a brief moment. Can we do that ?

Tears were rolling down his cheeks, like an unstoppable river. The echo of his question resounded in the dark silence. Nothing but silence. Suddently, the trees trembled behind him. Yongguk saw like a white lightning behind him. But it fade away as quickly as it appeared. But Yongguk still felt a presence.

- Jongup, is that you ?

It was like the wind in the fallen leaves answered him.

- Am I going mad ? 

Yongguk smiled.

- It doesn't matter. If it's the way you can stay with me, it's alright. If it's the way we can be together, it's alright.

He closed his eyes. And it was like the ghost nooded. 

The tears didn't stopped falling when he moved to the next grave.

Junhong. Left the world too early.

His voice was full of regrets :

- You- you were my little Zelo. The one I had to protect above all. And now you're here. Nothing else but blood and mud. I just have to prevent you to be hurt. And I've just failed. I have to take your hand when you were lost. Be on your side when you were alone. Be here when you needed it. And now you're gone. I haven't been able to protect you. You left this world because of me. Because I wasn't able to see your detress. I wasn't able to confort you. I wasn't able to dry your tears. 

I wish that you could forgive me one day. I wish that you could find happiness in another world. I wish that this world exist. I won't support being the only one to break your life. I wish that, wherever you are, you find that light which used to illuminate your eyes. I wish that if we're in the same world after, I'll could see your smile that I missed too much. 

It didn't had to happen. You didn't have to be broken. You didn't have to give up on life. The fate is cruel. But I hope it will gave you another chance. Another chance to find happiness. In another life. Or in a peaceful end. A beautiful end.

Will you forgive me ? It's all that I want. Look in your eyes and see them shine. Can you do that ?

And once again, Yongguk believed that a ghost answered.

It was like the next grave was calling him. Like the ghost inside was waiting him. Like he had to slipped away.

Youngjae. Always miss you.

Tears won't stop falling. Night won't stop growing darker. His heart won't stop remembering his sad past.

- Youngjae... Why can't I hold you in my arms ? I remember your eyes which kept looking at the reality. You never gave up. Your were thinking differently. You've understood what I've found only a few years ago. You've understood before all of us.

You never thought a second that you could be together.

You simply abandonned this dream. And you had the strength to keep it as a secret. You knew that you will never see him again. And it was what gave you the courage to save him.

Oh Youngjae... I wish that I could help you. But I didn't see anything. Will you forgive me for being blinded. I want to hug you. I want to make your eyes shine again. I don't want to leave you alone. I hope that you're not now.

But I didn't forget. I will not make your death vain. I have to suffer a little more. You made me promise to take care of him. I will.

Youngjae... I don't think I could tell him one day. It's so... painful. It's so painful knowing that he will know the truth. That he will cry because of us. He will suffer of the reality. 

But finally, here it is. He will wake up soon. And will never know who I am. 

I'm here... I'm here, but he can't see me. I'm here, but I just can't hold him tight in my arms. Is just near, and I can't even touch him. I'm cursed to keep this secret until I die.

But in a way, I've never lost that hope. That hope of seeing his smile a last time.

Don't worry. I will bring it with me. His precious smile. I will bring it to the sky.

Yongguk didn't care of knowing of what he saw was real. He just saw his ghost running to the others and give them a breathless hug. Yongguk smiled. It was like they met for the first time since years. Since years...

Yongguk didn't know that ghosts could cry. 

He was moving towards another grave.

Himchan. Forever in our hearts.

The ghost were now dancing behind. Yongguk was now crying on the ground.

Here we are, Himchan. I said I will be waiting. Waiting that day you told me to wait. I thought it will never come. But you were right.

I should be here for you, Himchan. I shouldn't let that heavy weight on your shoulders.

You shouldn't be the strongest. You shouldn't be strong for all of us. Because you were slowly forgetting you. You were slowly breaking your soul. I had to be here for you. Had to let you shouting what opressed your heart. But I wasn't here. I left you alone. I should be here. 

You were too strong. But in that strength, you were just hiding your sadness deep inside. While seeing you, I thought that you were really unbreakable. But it was just a facade. People who seems strong are just keeping their dark thoughts deeper. And, at that very moment, they explode. I thought that you weren't sad. But it's just worse. I could only see how much you could retain to break up, but I couldn't see how much you were broken. Broken of collecting the pieces of our shattered future. Of our broken lives. Of our lost forever.

You were the one who saw that. But you were the stronger. Thank you, Himchan. Thank you for being the one who didn't gave up. The one who gave us hope even if you've just abandonned. 

I hope you will forgive me, forgive that I wasn't on your side. But I know that you didn't forget. That I'm always in your heart. I will always be here.

Yongguk slowly turned back. His broken mind gave him a little of hope in that dark night. He saw the ghosts. He didn't care of what was real. He just stood up and ran towards them.

The ghosts were hugging, talking, holding them in their arms. It was like they finally met again for the first time since years. The light of the night fog illuminate their irreal skin. 

Yongguk didn't know that ghosts could cry. But he saw them. The tears of too much sadness keep in them which were rolling down their cheeks.

He stopped a few meters before reaching them. He felt different. He felt excluded. Like he didn't have his place on their side. Because he was alive. Because he still have something to do.

Yongguk turned back to the last grave. But this one was different. There were nothing under it. Just broken hopes. Broken lives. Lost dreams. Lost future. Lost past. Yongguk read the inscription.

Daehyun. We will never forget you.

There was something between them. Because they were alive. Because Yongguk could do a last thing for him. He could gave him a reason to live. Close the curtain. End the scene. Do the last act. 

Yongguk showed his back to the ghosts and whispered, just for the one who could hear him.

Daehyun... I'm coming. The thought of seing your smile warms my heart. We will be together. But you will never know. You don't have to remember.

If we could met again, in an other world, in an other life, I'll be glad to be your friend. I'll be glad to be a part of your life. If we could smile again to each other, I'll be the happiest man of the universe. If we could hug again, I'll will do anything to keep you near.

I miss you, Daehyun. I will always miss you. I'll never forget you.

I will never forget all of you. Of us.

This thick, settling silence tightens my heart.If I become a world-traveling wind some day,Then I will call you, then I will call youI will call out your names.

this rain won’t stop falling.Though I beg to the skies.Even if it’s in my dreams,even if it’s just one day, that I can go back.All the remaining images of myself.Please don’t hate them,please don’t erase them.

They remain in my sad heart.

How are you today?
Are you still crying?
I didn’t know I would hear you crying like that. I know that nothing I do or say can comfort you. You’re not alone without anyone and crying, right ? No. I have to stop convincing myself that you're alright. You're not. 

It's the reality. You're alone.

Do you even see me?
Me, in pain from seeing your tears?
Do you even hear me?
My words that I’m carefully saying?

How are you today?
I start with those words again.
I thought you would remember.
That I am always in the same place, by your side.

Even if we’re far apart right now
Your heart reaches me.
 

Yongguk kept his teary eyes on the grave. The first grave. But the last to be filled. Years of not knowing. Years of hoping. Years of desillusions. Years of asking to the sky why were they leaving one by one.

But in a way, this night, they were together. Together. Even if they didn't know, they were. 

Yongguk closed his eyes and whispered, in a voice he wanted to reach everyone's mind :

You know I'll love you till the end of time.

Yongguk dryied his tears and turned back. The ghosts were smiling. Yongguk smiled too, a smiled filled with tears, but the most beautiful he draw on his face since years. He ran towards them, barely flying on the ground. He reached them, his arms wide open. They were waiting him, calling him. They were together...

Yongguk surrounded the fading echoes of that dark night, looking at the shadows of the ghost slipping away.

 29156.