Chapter 15.

 

 

Daehyun diary.

Day 100.

 

100th day. What a sad anniversary, isn't it ? 

My days look like yesterdays. I'm just sitting here, waiting something that will never come.

Waiting for the answers.

I don't understand. 

I don't understand the letter they gave me. It was from a "Yongguk". But the old man in my room couldn't be the Yongguk I miss so much. He didn't know my name. There is something wrong.

And he was so old. Like he had 100 years. Yongguk was older than me, but I remember him with his black hair, smiling at me. Even if I slept during a long time, he was surely living a happy life now. 

So the "Yongguk" who wrote the letter wasn't the one in my room. He couldn't be. It's impossible. 

And I don't know if the "Yongguk" who wrote the letter was the Yongguk who were with me before.

There are some strange things in the letter.

He said that he wasn't in this world. And it wasn't possible. Nobody can know when we will die. It's was just a lie.

He said that he saw me. I didn't see anyone except the old man in my room. And the old man didn't know my name.

 

The letter was just a lie.

A stupid prank.

 

But the end... I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop imagining Yongguk writting those words.

Even if it wasn't him, I couldn't erase his painful face in my mind, his tears wetting the paper when he wrote those words. 

No, no. It can't be him. There was something wrong. I try to telling myself that it couldn't be him. 

But why ? Why there that little part of my head that keep thinking it was him. It couldn't. 

He couldn't be so old. He couldn't forgot my name. He couldn't have seen me. He couldn't have... died ?

It's just impossible. 

 

Will I ever know the answers ?

 

I started being familiar with those questions. I started living with them. And maybe I'm just a question myself. Why I am living ? Why is it keeping me alive.

Today, I will say the little steam of hope hid in my heart. I can't deny it. There is a little part of humanity who stayed in me. Just enought to continue to hope. 

Hoping makes you human.

Thinking makes you human. Even if you mind is filled with dark thoughts, this is the proof that makes you human.

Humans think too much. I think I did. But the only thing I want is answers. Even if it destroys me. I just want to remember.

 

A cold wind gave me goosebumps. The window opened, letting the december cold come in the room. Aish, I'm comfortable in my bed. But I'm too cold. I hardly got out of my bed to close the window, but suddently, my door opened. The pretty secretary came. I smiled. She was the first person who came here since days to talk to me. She closed the window and asked with her bright eyes :

- Wow, it's cold there. Do you want another cover ?

- No, thank you. The only thing which could warm me a little is someone who talk to me for another thing that "do you want more potatoes ?"

She laughed. 

Her smile warmed my heart a little. She sat next to me and looked deeply in my eyes. The light in her eyes surprised me. It was a long time since I saw eyes as alive as hers. She asked me :

- Are you alright ?

I didn't answered. Maybe I didn't know. But she continued :

- If you want to tell me something, I'm  here, she said while grabbing my hand. It was warm.

I saw the little ring on her finger. And I tried to smile for her. She was surely happy with her husband. She had a future. A life, maybe children after. 

A future. Something I'm not sure if I will ever know. 

She saw that I didn't take off my eyes of her ring. She sadly put her hand down. And she looked at me with those melancholic eyes. 

- It's all that I have from her. Her name and... This ring. 

- Who are you talking about. 

I was confused. But she looked away, closed her eyes. She let her thoughts go. It was like she liberate her heart while confessing. A single tear fell from her eyes.

- My grandmother. Her name was Jieun. And, before she died, she gave me this ring. This ring and a secret. 

It was a young man who gave her. He gave her before he died. And he tell her something she couldn't forget. 

He told her to be a light. Be a light that shine on every person. Give a smile to everyone who crossed her way. She was. She was a true ray of sun. 

 

Jieun opened her eyes and looked deeply in mine. It was like her thousand-aged soul was piercing me. Like she knew everything about me.

 

- My grandmother died a few years ago. She was a truly light of hope in our family. The world should thanks the sky for sending an angel on earth. I miss her sometimes. But I tell myself that she was what she wanted to be. She did something in her life. She made people happy. She became the symbol of hope. I want to be like her. I want to save lives. I want to save y...

 

She didn't end her sentence. She burst into tears, her sobs filling the room. And I felt like like an idiot. Watching her crying without knowing how to comfort her.

Just unable to do anything. Just inutile. Her tears hurt my broken heart. And I Just let her dry her eyes. I wouldn't her to see my tears. My tears of despair. My tears of reality. My tears of being nobody.

 

Jieun continued, as she just let out all her pain slipped away from her heart. 

- She's just gone. And this reality just hurts me so bad. I can't realize that... She just not in this world anymore. It's like I can feel her ghost next to me. I miss her. I miss her so bad...

 

The sound of people talking in front of the door took me out of my dark thoughts. I just heard some words.

- It's so sad living in a lie... He spent all his life waiting something which will never come... And the man who came here. Yes, the old man. Who died two weeks ago. Did you know that he was a famous rapper before ?

Ah, I don't remember his name... Oh wait ! This is it. His name was...

 

Bang Yongguk.

 

 

My heart just stopped.

I didn't know what to think.

What breaks my heart the most. 

 

I can't believe it.

I don't want to know.

I don't want to understand.

 

This is what was wrong since the start.

What I haven't understood. 

What I haven't notice.

Or what I didn't want to face.

 

No.

No.

It's just impossible.

It's a lie.

 

I clenched my fists. This guy. Telling lies. I stood up and reached the door. Jieun jumped and vainly screamed :

- Daehyun.

But it was too late. I grabbed the neck of the man and pushed him against the wall. He looked at me with wide eyes filled with fear.

Tears started to fill my eyes, but I just ignored them. I shouted, like a despair scream :

- Stop telling lies ! You're a liar ! A liar ! Liar !

The man grabbed my hands and tried to pull them out. But I was like a demon. I tighten my hands over his neck.

 

Lies.

Lies.

Lies...

 

Suddently, the door opened. It was Jieun, tears rolling down her cheeks, and a doctor. His eyes became wide open when he saw my hands on the neck of the man.

One, two seconds. They pounce on me and harshly put my hands on my back. But I continued to struggle, throwing my fists and feets everywhere. The doctor tried to calm me, in vain.

- Daehyun. Daehyun stop. Why do you do that ?

I was out of breath.

- Tell him to stop his lies.

- What lies ? He seemed confused.

- He said that Yongguk is dead.

He looked at me with those sad eyes I hate. He stood up, and stepped back. I've stopped moving, but seeing him leaving just woke me up.

- No ! You don't go any where ! You explain me now !

The doctor stopped, and slowly turned back.

I fell on my knees. All the despair broke me down.

- I don't understand nothing. I'm lost in me. I don't even know who I am. Don't left me in the dark. I just want answers. Even if they are the ones I don't want to hear. I can't continue to live in a such fog. Please, I want the truth. I need the truth. 

I want to know. 

I want to remember.

 

The doctor sat next to me. My heart was banging against my chest. My breath was too rapid. My mind was frozen.

 

The doctor cleared his throat, and hardly articulated :

 

- Daehyun... Daehyun.

It's been years that you had this accident. Many years. In reality, the world in which you lived no longer exists.

 

My voice trembled.

- I, I don't understand doctor.

 

He took a deep breath, and wishpered in a low voice, slow and deep voice :

- Daehyun. Your accident was 80 years ago.