Daehyun diary.

 

Day 88.

 

I'm tired of this. Not knowing. Not knowing what was happening right here. 

I started to lose patience. The doctors wouldn't tell me why I can't go outside.

Why I can't see them. 

88 days. 3 months. 3 months that I'm waiting. If I knew that I could meet them, I would be happy and glad. But they didn't say anything. Not even a chance. Just nothing. They leave me in the dark.

I think I'm going mad. I think I'm losing hope. I didn't want to. I didn't want to give up. But I sense that something dark is happening. And it feels so frustrating that I can't know what. 

I was upset yesterday. I've shouted all the people who went into my room. I'm tired of this too. Many people, doctors, nurses, went in my room and I know none of them. There is only a few person that I want to come back, but there are too many person who I don't know who are here. When I shouted, they locked me in my room and I wasn't allowed to get out of my room.

It was boring walking in the cold corridors of the hospital, but now I can only see the walls of my room.

It was like they were scared of me when I got upset. I was always kind and comprehensive, I might surprised them. Now it's like they fear me. They fear what I can do. They check if they closed the door when they come in my room. They leave my meal on my table and don't even say me a word. They used to talk freely, reassuring me, telling me that all's gonna be alright. But now they just pass by. Like I don't exist.

 

It's sad. Feeling alone. But not suddently. There isn't something happening one specific day, but when I look back, it's so different.

I miss the smiles of the doctors, the laughters of the nurses. Even if I didn't knew them, they were lightning a little my ordinary day. Made me thought that I had my place on this world. Made me considered.

But know it's like no one cares. Even me. I'm lost in my own mind. I don't know what to think.

Hoping that I will see them again.

Or accept the fact that they forget me.

I can't choose. I'm tired of this. The best thing to do is not thinking. 

 

What feels remember nothing.

 

I want to remember above all. I don't want only smiles, faces, names. I want to know our precious moments. Even if they remind me what I've lost. 

 

It's the only thing I can have with me. Memories. These blurred memories I want to keep in me. It's the only thing I can do against the darkness which tries to keep them away from me.

I can at least remember what I haven't forgot. 

 

I don't know why I'm still breathing. Maybe, against myself, I'm still hoping. Maybe there's something human in me. 

I'm laying in my bed. Stupids programs on TV. My life was like this. Breathing. Eating. Sleeping. I don't know if it's called living. 

I don't want to lose hope. I don't want to lose the part of humanity that didn't left my body. I want to be human. I want to have a reason to live. I don't want to forget what made me who I am. Even of it's painful. Even it is making me cry. Nothing will erase this. 

 

I don't want to let you go.

You're so precious to me.

Don't want to let you go. Don't want to loose you. Don't want to forget you. 

 

I just want to remember.

 

 

---

 

 

I didn't think it could be worse.

 

The old man is dead. 

 

He's dead. He didn't woke up this morning. There is only a white cover on his face. But it's like he was sleeping.

 

I can't retain my tears. He was the one I knew the most here. He was the one I could talk freely of my thoughts. He was the one who stayed on my side. The only one.

I drowning into my uncontrollable tears. Why is it so unfair ? He was the only person left. The person I could open my heart with. But he isn't here anymore. He's gone.

 

Gone.

Gone.

Gone...

 

Gone like the others. Why ? Why ? Why didn't they have to leave one by one ? Why can't they stay with me ? Why have I to break their lives ? 

Why I have to be the one they had better to never meet ?

 

And ?

And...

 

If I didn't met them ? If they didn't crossed my way ? If I didn't know them ?

 

Maybe ?

Maybe...

 

Maybe they didn't had to be broken. Maybe they could live without pain. They could spent their lives together. Together but happy. Together but without me. Maybe it was better for them to never know me.

 

I'm the one who broke their lives.

 

Because of me, they were sad. Because of me, they cried, they shed tears, they felt guilty. I'm the reason of all their pain.

I'm the only one to blame.

I'm the only one who have to suffer.

I'm the only one who have to be broken. 

 

 

---

 

 

I'm alone now. They took the body of the old man this morning. I saw his pale hand over the sheets. I could only seeing him leaving, powerless, inutile. 

I didn't want him to die. I wanted him to stay on my side. I wanted him to keep saying sweets words in my head. I wanted him to keep smiling. This beautiful and bright smile I want to keep in my mind. I will never see it again.

And if it was my fault ? If he died because he crossed my way ? If they avoided me because they thought that I was bringing pain ? And if he was the only one who stayed ?

Cursed. Am I an alive curse ?

Am I only showing to the death the way to destroy lives ?

 

A pretty secretary came in my room. I didn't even looked at her. I've learned that. If I ignore them, they will feel less guilty of fearing me. Nurses, doctors. I didn't even give them a look. I give them a reason to consider me as an objet. An object they just have to check if it's still there. 

Usually, they just pass by. They give me what I need and leave. And I think it's better for me. I'm used to solitude now. 

But the secretary seemed to want to talk to me. I straightened in my bed with an angry groan. 

It's weird. She seemed worried about me. She had pretty bright eyes. And a name on her jacket. "Jieun".

- Hello, Jieun.

She smiled. She had a lovely smile, as if she wanted to light everyone's day with it.

- The old man wanted to give you this.

She was holding a white envelope and give it to me.

Before leaving, she added :

- He gave us this when he arrived. It always was destined to you.

 

The paper was trembling in my hands. I opened it slowly, as if it was a dangerous bomb. 

The writting. It feels like I can recognize the writting. But I can't remember whose is it. The first words stopped my heart.

 

 

Wait. She said that he gave them the letter when he arrived. But he didn't knew my name. He asked me when he was in my room. And she said that it was always destined to me.

There's something wrong.

- Jieun ! Jieun !

I tried to call her, but she was already gone. 

 

I was trying to understand what was happening now. Something important. Something which will change all that I was thinking from the start.

I started reading the letter, my hands shaking. I tried to stop them, to calm my heavy breath. The lines blurred in front of my eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

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Author's note.

 

Yaaaay there ! There is only a few comment on this story, and I want to know what do you think of it.

It's the 13th chapter, and the 19th will be the last. 

If you don't understand all the story now, it's normal, it will accelerate the next chapters ^^.

Don't hesitate to leave comments, I really want to know what do you think about my fic. 

Thank you if you read until here !