Daehyun diary. 

 

Day 23.

 

Maybe I'll find it into my memories.

Maybe I'll find why I am alive.

Why I am here.

Why I am alone.

Why I can't see them.

Why I keep breathing.

Or maybe I'll never know.

It's probably better.

But I'm human.

I want to remember. 

 

 

 

 

Daehyun memories.

 

Everything is black. How many days passed since I closed my eyes ? It seems so long.

However, it seems like it was yesterday. Yesterday, I've broken their lives. Yesterday, I've left the print of pain in their hearts. Yesterday, I've understood that I will die. 

But why am I still alive ? Why death didn't took me yet ? My head hurts even more each time my mind get out of my sleep. Death is killing me in slow motion. But I think I deserve it. I've stolen their chance to be happy. I know I will never forgive myself. And death understood that. It suffocate me from the inside of my head. The darkness is filling my mind slowly. These littles moments when I'm half conscious are more and more rares.

But when I can barely think, the pain is struggling in my head. Stronger and stronger. It feels like my head is about to explode. 

I'm always agonizing. 

Each time the throbbing pain of my brain is making me suffer like a dagger, I think it's the end.

Each time I try to remember. But each time the pain is stopping me. I wanted to remember at least the ones who made me who I was. The ones who used to engrave a smile in my lips. Who were my reason to live.

But each time, I couldn't. 

Their faces, their laughter, their smiles. They all dissapeared in the mist which filled my mind. Only their despair, their tears, their voices full of regrets came into my mind. At first, I wanted to absolutely keep our best moment in me, but death decided otherwise. Now I let it remember me what I've lost. I deserve it. Remember all the pain I left on this world. That I've killed the odds and ends of their hopes. That one day meet them was the worst decision I've ever made. That knowing me was the worst thing which could happen to them.

I'm just waiting the moment death will decided to shorten my suffering.

 

Another throbbing pain slashed my head.

 

Black.

Black.

Black again.

 

Pain.

Pain.

Pain again. 

 

It's insupportable. It feels like my head is crushed by the weight of the darkness which filled it. I can't...

 

Black.

Pain.

Again. 

 

Take it...

 

Again. 

 

Anymore...

 

Again...

Again...

Again...

 

 

---

 

 

 

I hear steps. Am I dreaming ? Or am I dead ?

I hear a voice. A voice so familiar. It rocks my heart. Feels so sweet in my ears. Maybe it's an angel. An angel flying slowly to bring me where I can be forget. 

Please, bring me to a place where I will never bring pain. It's all that I want.

The voice is getting closer. The words are soothing my burning mind. Maybe it's that death ? Maybe after suffering, there was a few seconds of peace in our heads. Maybe all was ending here...

It's like the voice went into my head. It so sweet and relaxing. I feel like I'm flying. But it's... It's Youngjae !

It's the voice of Youngjae ! 

I feel suddently sad. My friend. My precious friend I couldn't tell how much he was precious to me. 

 

Youngjae... When I came in the group, you were my only friend, and the person I could talk to freely, even until now, is only you. And since we're both in the band, we have talked about a lot of things. If things are hard to me, I always talk to you about it. In the future as well, I hope that you continue to take care of me. I love you.

 

It was what I said on this radio. In the future... This broken future where we can't be together. You will never... Because I leaving now.

 

There is so much things I want to tell you. But we will never be together again. The only thing I want is being with you now. But this is the only thing I can't have. We had so much things to do. To live. We had to see seasons passing until our last breath. We had a future together. We had to be happy. We had to live on each other side. We had to spent our lives together. I'm sorry. I'm the one who broke the promise. I'm the one who will bring pain. I'm the one who dies, and you're the one to stay. I don't want you to suffer. But I can't erase the memories of me in your mind.

If you remember, you will suffer.

Sorry for destroying your life.

 

 

The voice is only a whisper now. Dying with his voice in my head is the best way to blow my last breath. I want to die like that. With what reminds me how I became myself. 

The darkness is slowly filling my thoughts. I feel like I will fall asleep a umpteenth time. I'm losing myself. I wanted to hang me at the last memory of their smiles, but what came in my mind was only the echo of their tears.

 

---

 

 

The darkness left my mind. The pain got out of my head. Am I dead ? But everything still black. I hear voices again. 

-... It works. His heart rate is stable. He's saved.

 

Saved ? I'm alive ? What happened ?

 

My head wasn't hurting. I can think whitout any throbbing pain ripping my head. I have to remember what happened. 

I remember...

A voice... Youngjae's voice. Rocking my burning mind. A light of sweetness in the dark.

But... If it wasn't a dream ? If Youngjae was really here ? My heart beats faster. Does it means that he didn't forget me ? That he came here to save me ?

 

Youngjae. I'm alright now. Where are you ? You can come here. You can come back. The thought of seeing your smile warms my heart. I don't want to die if you never forget my name. I won't left you alone. I'm here with you. Please don't leave my side. I need you more than everyone else. Don't leave me alone. Not now, when we are so close. We are so close but I still can't feel you. Why can't I tell you that I love you with everything I am. Youngjae please...

 

Please remember. That song we sang together. The only song I'm able to remember. 

 

You breathe inside of me.
I’m looking for you.
I want to hold you.
Since my heart is burnt up,
I can’t hold back anymore, because I might die.