Chapter 5.

Daehyun diary.
Day 19.

They said we can't hear the voices. Our brain didn't recognize the sounds. We are lost. It's already the end before we blow our last breath. There isn't hope. I'm not a person who believe in hope.
But let me tell you something. There is a little piece of my mind which remember. This little piece didn't forget. But I don't know how much time I will remind it.

​29480.

Daehyun memories.

Black.
Black.
Black again.

I don't feel anything. I am really alive. Why have I to live ? I can't see the light of the sun. I can't hear the sound of the birds singing. I can't feel the sweetness of the sheets. I can only remember.
Remember that I will never see them again. But above all, if they were here with me, I couldn't even know. If they were crying, I couldn't even hear. How can someone live like this. I don't live. I'm just breathing. And reminding what I've lost.
I've lost their smiles. I've lost their happiness. I've lost their hope. Why did I have to break their lives ?

I want to say them goodbye. I just want one more chance. A last. I want to tell them what I didn't say as often that I should. I just want one more second. Please. Just a second...

I just want a farewell. Even if we don't spend the rest of our lives in the same world, let me at least hear their voices a last time. Hear a world. I want to keep them in my mind. But why ? Why ? Why are they becoming blurred in my head ? Why I can't remember their voices. Is that the death so cruel ?
I will remember that I had friends who will never forget me, but I'll couldn't even draw their faces in my mind. Did I will always remember that I lost something, but didn't even know what ?
Forget. Just forget. I'm scared forgetting one day.

I just want to remember.

 

Black.
Black.
Black again.

My head buzzes. It seems like everything around me is muffled. I know I am less and less aware these last times. Last hours I think. Maybe it's near the end. I can't support breathing that way, half alive. Why death want me to suffer so long. I think it left me the time to remember. I know how much I've destroyed lifes. Why did it still keep me alive ?

Clac.

I am not dreaming. I've heard a sound. I can recognize. A door. And something softer...

- doesn't deserve...

Voices. I heard voices. I can't believe it. I can hear them ! Did I will wake up ? Did the death let me a chance to see them again ?

-... This is my farewell Daehyun. A promise. A promise that even if you're not in our side, you'll always be in our heart. You can go. You don't have to worry. We will keep you in our mind. And be strong for you...

A farewell ? No Himchan. No. I can hear you. Don't give up. I will get well soon...

-...We won't ever break
We won't ever fall down
Even if the storm tried to swallow us
We're unbreakable
Even if we die we won't break
Even if you die we won't give up
Even if ours wings are trembled into the darkness
You know we're unbreakable...

Why Himchan ? Don't be sad. I will not die...

Silence. I start feeling sad. Why did he had that despair in his voice.

I will not die, don't I ?

It's Yongguk who is coming. Please leader. Please tell them that I will be alright.

-... You don't have to worry Daehyun. You were the one you always have to be. You gave us happiness. You gave fans emotions. You gave to the group a meaning. You gave the music an unforgetable voice.
And you finally gave the world an angel.
Be proud of you. You deserve it. I'm proud of been your leader. I'm proud of known you. Please don't be sad, wherever you are. We only hope that you are happy in your world.
You will be keep in our minds. We will never forget the light inside your eyes. They is a light still here, even if you're gone. It's just the time for to to shine to end now. I won't tell you to don't go. You don't have to suffer anymore. Thank you being in our lives. Thank you being the one you wanted to be. We will never forget you. I promise...

I said I don't believe in hope. Because of that. We hope that I will not die. They hope that I will wake up. I hope that I'll could finally hug them as much as I missed them. But all this hope were vain.
It's why I dont believe in hope. It makes us trust in something which will never happen. And makes us suffer even more.

Yongguk... Please don't cry for me. I don't deserve it.

-...Hyung. Hyung. You always told me that one day, all of us will become dust. And I always wanted this day to never happen. But today, I've realized that this day wouldn't be the same for all of us. I never thought that you will leave this world so soon. But I can't stop you reaching the stars. I don't want you to feel sad. If one day you regret leaving us that way, just remember that we're happy that you've find a better world. You don't need to be keep in a word you don't see a single color, you don't hear a single sound. You deserve to go in the world you can be our most beautiful memory. In our hearts. Where you'll always be. Where you'll can't escape. Where you'll can't be forget. Thank you being my hyung. Thank you being Daehyun. Thank you gaving us all your love. I promise I will keep it deeply in my heart. I called you hyung. If one day I become older than you, I'll always call you my hyung. My precious hyung who took care of me. Hyung, if in a way you're listening to me, just remember a thing. Even if you're not on our side, you'll always be in our hearts...

Our little Zelo. Can't believe that you've grown so much. Yes I hear you. I hear all of you. But I can't answer...


So I'll really die.


Wait. Someone is reaching the bed. Youngjae ? Jongup ?
Suddenly, I felt rought hands shaking my shoulders.

-... - Ya ! Why won't you wake up ! Wake up ! Wake up !

Youngjae ! I missed so much your voice.
I want to wake up. But I can't even move. Why is there so much despair in your voice ? Why can't I open my eyes and give you a goodbye. At least, why can't I tell you how much I want to stay ?
Youngjae. Youngjae...

-... Youngjae stop ! It's not his fault !
- Why he doesn't wake up ? They said he could hear us !
- Youngjae ! Calm down. It's over. It's over.
- No.
A hand grabbed a bar of the bed, make it trembling a little.
- Hey Daehyun. I'm here. You can wake up. I'm here...

I'm here Youngjae... Why can't you hear me ? Am I already so far ? How much I call your name, it seems that you can't hear me.

I want to say all of you goodbye. That I love you so much. I really want to say how much you're precious to me.
You deserve to know. I can't shout it. I can't ever blow a whisper. Why those words are keep in my throat. Why ? Why ? Why can't I say you goodbye ?
I don't want to leave you like that. We had a future together. And now it's lost. Lost forever.

-... Youngjae. Listen to me. You have to say him goodbye. You will never see him again. Come back on earth. He deserves a farewell.
- No ! He can't die. He said we will be together forever. He promised. He can't go...

Steps.

- Daehyun ! You don't deserve a farewell. You have to live. I won't say you goodbye. You promised. You promised that we'll be together forever. You don't had to break it.

And the door slammed.

Youngjae ? Are you really gone ? Youngjae ! Please come back. Don't left me like that. I don't want to die with your deseperate voice in my head. Youngjae...

Tears started filling my eyes.

Can you live a second with the sadness of your friend ? By your fault ? Be the reason of all their tears. Be the one who erased all their smiles. Be the one who killed all their hopes. I rather never have lived. The only thing I did while living is making their pain stronger when I die. Dying is easier than living with the culpability on your shoulders.
Why the persons the most precious in our lives are leaving so soon, while person like me wait the stars to burn and the sky to fall for suffer. I'm so miserable.

I will never forgive me leaving only sadness and despair on my way.

So this is the end. With tears. Without farewell. But it just an end like many others. It had to be like this.


It felt. One tear. It felt.

36.