Chapter 4.

Himchan memories.

The boys woke up this morning without enthousiasm. They didn't speak too much since the accident. Yongguk tried many times to ask Youngjae what happened this night, but he never answered. Everybody was living each other on their side, and only talk to each other at the meal. Himchan was tired of this situation. Seeing the boys in that state made him exaspered. But he knew he couldn't do anything if he didn't want to be bashed by the members.
They could just wait. Wait. Even if it wasn't what they wanted.
Himchan laid on the sofa with a cup of tea when to phone rang.
The members froze. The ringtone resounded, like a mortal echo, which stopped everyone's heartbeat. Yongguk was the first to react. He took the phone with his trembling hands and put the speaker on :
- I'm sorry. We couldn't do anything. It was already too late.
BAP's members retained their breath.
- He's dead.
 

Himchan woke up roughly. The sweat rolled down his cheeks. His heart was beating faster and faster. He tried to breathe slowly.
- Hyung ?
Zelo was woke up by Himchan's heavy breath.
- This nightmare again ?
Himchan nodded in the dark room.
- Why did you always relive this scene ?
- It haunts me.

The two members went to the kitchen. The rays of the sun weren't here yet and the room was dark. Just the light of a candle.
- Sorry Zelo if I woke you up. It's only 6 in the morning.
- It's okay hyung. I wasn't sleeping.
They both sat on the table, looking at the sun rising in the landscape of Seoul. Zelo, without quiting the run of the sun in the sky, asked Himchan :
- Hyung, I'm scared.
- Don't be scared. Things happen if they have to happen.
- And if it wasn't was we expect ?
- We have to hope. It's the only thing we can do.
They were interrupt by Yongguk appearing in the room.
- Hello my friends. Why are you waking up that early ?
- Himchan did a nightmare.
- The same ?
- Yes...
Yongguk sat down near the members. He was preparing coffee when Youngjae came in the room.
- Hello people-who-always-wake-me-up-early-when-I-want-to-sleep.
There was a few moment silence, and the members bursted into laughter.
Yongguk smiled and served the coffee.
- Sit down Youngjae. It's good seeing you like this.
They both sat on the chairs, and Yongguk added some candles. The ambience was very cosy. Yongguk sat down and took a long breath.
- Guys, I'm proud of you. You were strong in this difficult times. And we are together. I'm happy that we give strengh to each other. We have to be strong again and again. But remember that we're not alone. We can count on each other. It's why We are together.
Zelo looked at his feet. He wanted to confess what he always wanted to day. Himchan saw it and encourage him.
- Zelo. You can say what you have in your heart. Today, more that any other day, we are listening.
Yongguk looked at him with a approving look.
Zelo started to speak, his voice shaking a little.
- I'm proud of my hyungs. Hyungs always were here. Here when I smile. Here when I cry. Here when I need. I want to say thank you. Thank you my five irremplacable hyungs...
Zelo couldn't retain his tears. Youngjae hug him tightly and the silence fell down on the table. Youngjae started to speak, his voice shaking a little, filling the entire room :
- Hum I... I sincerely want to say that I don't know what I be like if you weren't here. I mean... I was so depressed after the accident and you helped me to didn't break down. Thank you for being here.
Yongguk looked at Himchan, and, without a sign, they burst into laughter.
- Youngjie is confessing I can't believe it !
Youngjae replied a bit irritated :
- Ya ! Every time I'm in a good mood you make fun of me !
- Because it's too funny ! Look at your face !
Youngjae mumbled and smiled. Zelo smiled too, and they stood up for a giant hug.
- Zelo, you strangle me.
- Himchan, get your hand out of there.
- Yongguk I'm eating your hair.
- Oh god Youngjae stop starring at me like this it looks like you want to kill me.
Himchan smiled. It was good recovering this complicity. Even if they weren't six, they will fight against death. They had to gave him the courage he need to have.
He looked up at the sky which couloured in pink in the morning.

I hope you became our angel. But now you have to fight your demons.

 

They ordered pizza for the lunch, and they were all laughing and smiling. Himchan silently put the phone in vibrating mode. He didn't want it to break the good mood. Zelo opened quickly his pizza box and ate greedily a part. Youngjae pated his head :
- What the hell Zelo you're a piggish !
- If I was really piggish, I would have a tummy like hyung.
- Ya ! If you continue you will see where I'll put your pizza you punk !
And they started to laugh like nothing happened. Like nothing's wrong. But the ringtone of a phone brought them to reality.
Youngjae took the phone and his eyes froze. He articulate hardly :
- The doctor called us. He left a message.
Himchan heart stopped :
- What did he said, Youngjae ?
Youngjae swallowed and said with a voice full of fear :
- We have to go. Now.

 

The room was quiet and white. As quiet at the first time. But they're was something different in the atmosphere. Strange. Scaring.
Daehyun didn't move of a millimeter. His eyes closed. The deep wound in his blond hair. His pale skin. Nothing changed. But the doctor came with that worry in the eyes.
He looked sadly at the members, like it was the last thing he wanted to face. He cleared his throat and say :
- Your better sit down. I haven't very good news.
The members looked at each others scared of what will happen. Himchan saw that detress in Zelo eyes. He went next to Himchan and slowly whispered :
- Hyung. Please. Tell me that he will come back. Not like the last time.
Himchan didn't answered like Jongup. He had a foreboding. A bad foreboding.
Please, make it wrong. Make it wrong.

The doctor let his eyes looking down at the paper he was holding. He didn't like announced bad news. It was always him who have to do that.
He kept his eyes on the paper, to not see those broken faces when he read what was written on it :
- I'm sincerely sorry. We couldn't find any celebral activity. He's keeping alive artificially. We have to unplug him soon. I let you give him a last farewell.
He quickly get out of the room. He hated hearing sobs and tears.
Oh god, why did you let these things happen ?

 

Himchan heart stopped.
No, no, no. It can't happen.
Youngjae burst into tears, crying, screaming, falling on the floor. Zelo was curled up on the floor, sobbing louder. Yongguk looked at Himchan, his tears filling his eyes.
You knew.

Like a silent thought which was kept in them, they hugged each other tightly. Yongguk painfully wishpered in Himchan 's ear :
- Why can't I kept them together.
Himchan felt the despair and the culpability of their leader :
- Yongguk, don't say that. You're a perfect leader. You take care of us like nobody does.
- And why can't I keep them in security ? They trust in me. I was their protector. It's all my fault.
- Don't say that !
Himchan stood up and looked deeply in the eyes of Yongguk. His sad eyes filled with tears. Himchan didn't want to see those eyes which always smile in that state. Which always rose them up. He took a deep breath and let his emotions go :
- You always be with us. You gave us strenght. When we were about to break down you were here. Here to make us stand up. You were the only one who help us when we fell. You are our precious leader and forever be. You protected us. Don't forget that You are a person that I'll always trust. You are more than a leader. You're a father. A brother. A friend. A person that we wouldn't lost for anything. You're the person who made us what we are now. Who made us proud. What happened is not your fault. You told us to never give up.

Tears rolled down their cheeks. But we didn't hear a sob. Their were all concentrate on the words which resounded in the room. Words of esperance. True words. Beautiful words. Words that made them trust that life didn't end here.

- We never gave up. You gave us the strenght. You were here for us. We will be here for you. You made us a group which never separate. Even if pain comes many times.

Silence settled the room. It's like everybody was listening. Everyone in this room.

- Do you remember ? That song Daehyun sang for us. Now it's us who sang it for him. Because he doesn't deserve to see us sink.

Himchan got closer to Daehyun bed, with teary eyes.

- This is my farewell Daehyun. A promise. A promise that even if you're not in our side, you'll always be in our heart. You can go. You don't have to worry. We will keep you in our mind. And be strong for you.

Himchan closed his eyes and sang, slowly, as if his voice could reach the sky :

We won't ever break
We won't ever fall down
Even if the storm tried to swallow us
We're unbreakable
Even if we die we won't break
Even if you die we won't give up
Even if ours wings are trembled into the darkness
You know we're unbreakable.

And he smiled. Himchan was proud of is farewell. It's that Daehyun have to recieve. Words of hope. Not words of despair. Words he simply need. He don't deserve to see how much he will give them pain. Yes, he knew. He will give them so much pain. Yes, they were unbreakable. But not pain killers. They were only humans.

Himchan sat down on a chair, his tears silently falling down. Yongguk went next to the bed and looked down at the closed eyes of Daehyun. Closed until the end. He took a deep breath, as if he would capture the wind in his lungs :

- You don't have to worry Daehyun. You were the one you always have to be. You gave us happiness. You gave fans emotions. You gave to the group a meaning. You gave the music an unforgetable voice.
And you finally gave the world an angel.
Be proud of you. You deserve it. I'm proud of been your leader. I'm proud of known you. Please don't be sad, wherever you are. We only hope that you are happy in your world.
You will be keep in our minds. We will never forget the light inside your eyes. They is a light still here, even if you're gone. It's just the time for to to shine to end now. I won't tell you to don't go. You don't have to suffer anymore. Thank you being in our lives. Thank you being the one you wanted to be. We will never forget you. I promise.

Only one tear fell on the white bed. A single tear. A tear of an inevitable farewell. As if all Yongguk's sadness was trapped in it. Silently, he sat down next to Himchan.

A sad carousel started. Zelo stood up when Yongguk sat down. It was like the ultimate dance to the death. The last choreography before the end.
Zelo approached calmly the white bed, as if it was a cursed object. His eyes were deeply looking at the pale skin. Like a ghost. His tears continued fell down, but only the sound of his heavy breath could be heard. He started speaking softly, like a whisper, as if he was too weak to speak louder :

- Hyung. Hyung. You always told me that one day, all of us will become dust. And I always wanted this day to never happen. But today, I've realized that this day wouldn't be the same for all of us. I never thought that you will leave this world so soon. But I can't stop you reaching the stars. I don't want you to feel sad. If one day you regret leaving us that way, just remember that we're happy that you've find a better world. You don't need to be keep in a word you don't see a single color, you don't hear a single sound. You deserve to go in the world you can be our most beautiful memory. In our hearts. Where you'll always be. Where you'll can't escape. Where you'll can't be forget. Thank you being my hyung. Thank you being Daehyun. Thank you gaving us all your love. I promise I will keep it deeply in my heart. I called you hyung. If one day I become older than you, I'll always call you my hyung. My precious hyung who took care of me. Hyung, if in a way you're listening to me, just remember a thing. Even if you're not on our side, you'll always be in our hearts.

A strangled sound at the end. Some silent tears. As if they wanted to make the farewell as painless as possible for him. As if in that silence, he couldn't hear the smothered sobs.

Youngjae was still curled up on the floor. He couldn't realize that he was leaving them. He couldn't accept it. He couldn't let him go. His tears blurred his eyes. No. He roughtly stood up. The members looked at him with wide eyes.
Youngjae reached the bed. He didn't want to see them. Those closed eyes. Those pale hands. This cold skin.
His tears wet the sheets, lefting traces of pain on the immaculate bed.
Youngjae was focused on this body which will never move again. Was it just a body without soul or a little part of his friend which didn't fly away yet.
But he knew that the Daehyun he used to share happy memories was leaving this world second after second. Was flying to another world without saying a last time goodbye. Will never open his eyes again.

It was too much for Youngjae.
It hurts too much.
He was unable to doesn't break down.
He wasn't unbreakable.

Youngjae opened his eyes. His hands shook on the bed. He couldn't control himself. He shook roughlty the shoulders of Daehyun :
- Ya ! Why won't you wake up ! Wake up ! Wake up !
The cold body move a little, like a broken doll. He seemed even more dead now.
Yongguk and Himchan stood up at the same time. They grabbed his arms and pulled him back. Zelo was dazzed. He looked at Youngjae with wide eyes. Himchan was also shocked.
- Youngjae stop ! It's not his fault !
- Why he doesn't wake up ? They said he could hear us !
- Youngjae ! Calm down. It's over. It's over.
- No.
Youngjae reached a side of the bed.
- Hey Daehyun. I'm here. You can wake up. I'm here...
Yongguk stood in front of Youngjae and grabbed his shoulders.
- Youngjae. Listen to me. You have to say him goodbye. You will never see him again. Come back on earth. He deserves a farewell.
Tears filled Youngjae's eyes.
- No ! He can't die. He said we will be together forever. He promised. He can't go...
Youngjae was now close to the door.
- Daehyun ! You don't deserve a farewell. You have to live. I won't say you goodbye. You promised. You promised that we'll be together forever. You don't had to break it.

And the door slammed.

Lefting a cold room. With three hearts beating too fast. And one which was about to sleep until the end of times. With three persons too broken to cry. And one who didn't know what happened, quietly lefting his body.
Three minds thinking that their friend was finally gone in another world. And one which was patiently waiting for a precious goodbye which will never come.

They wanted him to wake up.
He only wanted a farewell.
Can it be worst ?
Yes. If they both have what they wanted.
And it's what was going to happen.

36.