Youngjae memories.

 

Youngjae was walking on the snow, his feets leaving deep traces in the white of the street. His breath was making a light mist in the cold air of winter. His hands were trembling, so he walked faster.

The blue letters of the hospital were hid by the snow felt on it. 

Youngjae, while putting his gloves in his pocket, pushed the door of the hospital. A young secretary welcomed him and asked him :

 

- Hello Mr.Yoo, it's cold this morning, isn't it.

- I'm lucky, I will not care in a few hours.

The secretary looked at him with wide eyes. 

- Hum, okay... You're looking for doctor Kim Minseok ? 

- Yes please.

- He's in consultation room.

- Thank you Jieun. Goodbye...

- Wait Youngjae !

Youngjae stopped. He slowly turned back. Jieun was about to cry, her chin trembling. 

- Jieun...

Youngjae reached her and hugged her tightly. Her warm tears wet his shirt. 

- Don't cry. I don't want you te be sad because of me. 

- I know but...

Youngjae looked at her teary eyes and took her cheeks in his hands.

- Jieun. There is something I want to ask you. Can you do something for me ?

Jieun barely nooded, bitting her lips to not let her sobs filling the room. 

- Please Jieun. Do that for me. Be the light. Be the light which brighten everyone's day, everyone who is coming at you in front of this desk. Give them your most beautiful smile. Be the reason which let them think that, even in this place where there is too much despair, there's still hope. Please love. Be loved. Be happy. Be the light of hope which shine in the darkness. Please...

- I will. Don't worry. I will help you to left a print on the world. To shout that there's still hope. I will be the light of your hope, Youngjae. That hope which saved him. Thank you, Youngjae. Thank you for making me important. Thank you for making me that star. That star which reminds hope in this world. That star which will show you the way to the sky.

 

They hugged again. Youngjae reached the door, but before he could, he heard a voice. 

- I will miss you, babo. 

He turned back. She was smiling. He smiled at her and opened the door. 

 

 

The room was so quiet. The doctor was surely preparing the bloc. 

Youngjae sat down and took a deep breath.

It was the last time he could see the world.

 

He remembered the first time he came here. When he found out that he could be saved by brain cells. That his brain was compatible. That they had a chance to save him. 

The first time they withdrawed him his cells. When he felt asleep on this iron bed. When his dreams of seeing him could be realized. When he woke up with this horrible headache. 

He remembered the anxiousness when they told him the results of the operation. When they told him that it succeed. The relief he felt swamping his whole body. 

 

All the day he spent imagining the day he will finally see him. He will finally the smile he missed too much. When they will hug again. When they will cry in their warm embrace, together. Together. They will be together. 

Breathing the same air. Laughing in the same time. The same time... Living in the same time... Yes. It will be great. 

 

He remembered when they said that he needed more cells. When he came again on the iron bed. That headache waking him up again. 

The days and nights he spent next to Daehyun's bed. Playing musics he used to like. Singing songs they used to sang together. 

 

You breathe inside of me.
I’m looking for you.
I want to hold you.
Since my heart is burnt up,
I can’t hold back any more, because I might die.

 

And tears fell down Youngjae's cheeks. Why didn't he wake up ? Why didn't he open his eyes ? Youngjae started to loose hope. But he always thought of why he did that. And, drying his tears, he continued to sang.

 

He remembered that day. Six months ago. When they told him that it wasn't enought.  That the cells on the surface of his brain weren't efficient enought. That they need to go deeper in his brain.

 

- You know what it means ? said the doctor.

 

He didn't thought too much. He made a decision. 

He had to live. Daehyun had to know happiness. Daehyun's heart wasn't as broken as his own. 

Daehyun will live for Youngjae. And Youngjae will die for Daehyun. 

Daehyun will wake up when Youngjae will die.

Daehyun will open his eyes when Youngjae will close his.

 

Whatever they could do, they never be together again.

 

 

---

 

 

The thoughts of Youngjae came back in the cold room. As remember all these things, tears had falling down his cheeks. 

 

Together.

He hoped they will be together. 

He hoped that they could spent a lifetime together. 

He hoped they could care for each other through the years they spend laughing, smiling, crying. That they could age hand in hand, reminding the time when they were young.

 

It could never happen. They haven't any future. A lost destiny. A broken dream. A cruel fate.

 

And he was here now. He will die without seeing his smile one last time. Without seeing the last thing which could warms his cold heart. The only thing he fought for during all his life.

His life will end when Daehyun's will start.

 

He said goodbye to the world. Goodbye to the persons he will never meet again. The sky he will never see again. The sweet flowers he will never smell again. The warm of the sun on his skin he will never feel again. 

Goodbye to hope. The hope that he could see his smile a last time. A lost hope. A lost future. A future they can't be together. 

Goodbye... 

 

 

Suddently, a door opened behind him. The doctor saw him crying, and asked him, worried :

- Youngjae ! Are you alright ?

- Yes, yes, it's... It's just that I'm a bit sad now. It doesn't matter. 

The doctor patted his shoulders and whispered :

- You can see him a last time if you want... 

He was showing a door at the back of the room.

Youngjae's heart tighten. He didn't thought that it was a good idea, but he opened slowly the door.

 

Always that angel laying on the bed. His friend. His precious friend. His friend who will live. His friend he will save. 

 

Youngjae sat next to the bed. Same smooth and pale skin. Same nose. Same lips. Like nothing changed. His breath was heavy and weak. Tears started to appear in his eyes. Youngjae closed them and grab the cold hand left on the side of the bed :

 

- I-I don't know how to start. It doesn't feel... like I'm telling you goodbye. I think I have to tell what I haven't the courage to say before.

 

Hum... I'm happy being a part of your life. Be a person who brought a bit of happiness in your life. Even if leaving you is painful to death, I will never regret knowing you. Because your one of the greatest thing that came in my life. You teach me how to not give up. How to always get back on my feet. How to always hope. You were that light that shone my way, even if you weren't on my side. That light is still there. I will keep our precious moments deep inside. Because they mustn't be forget. They have to be remember. I will. I will keep it here with me. I will take them with me. My heart will always remember. Even if it burst into ashes. There is something I haven't told you as much as I wanted to say. I've walk on this road alone for a bit. And now I'm seeing the end. And I will show you my everything. 

 

I love you, Jung Daehyun. My one and only true friend. I wish I could tell you again and again. But now it's too late. I can only blame myself. Please, just remember. Just remember that I love you, it doesn't matter what can happen. Okay ? Just remember that you're not alone. I will leave this earth. Not your heart. Don't forget. Even if I'm no longer on your side, I always be in your heart. I'll always be there. 

 

I miss you so much I can't even know how it's so painful. Knowing that we will never be together breaks my heart.

 

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You're breathing in me. I'm living in you. Don't worry. I don't leave forever.  I will keep living in your memories. In you. I'm here... If one day you miss me, don't look back, look at what you can do. You're not alone. You will never. Because I'm... With you...

Until the day we met again.

Don't forget that I'm here with you.

I never leave. I'm always here. Your heart his what keeping me alive. 

 

Please... Daehyun... My... Precious... Friend... Dae...