Chapter 8.

Himchan memories.

It will never be as before.

What will you do if all the world around you is crashing down ? And if you're not able to do anything ?
That it's too late ?
And the only thing you can do is watching the persons you cared for slowly breaking down.

Himchan put down his glass on the table. He looked with empty eyes at the candies in a bowl, almost empty. He wasn't hungry at all. Yongguk was doing one hundred steps in the room, looking at his feets. Zelo was sitting on a chair, his eyes without any trace of life. They were waiting Youngjae at their rehearsal room. Which didn't look like as before. It was cold, empty, lifeless. There were only memories here. Not even a future. Time just ended here. Like nobody left this room. There were clothes on the floor, bottles of water opened, white towels scattered. Like a abandoned battlefield, they didn't end their fight. Their fight against fate. Against death. They didn't end it. And their were thinking that they've already lost.
In that space where memories linger.
In that place where they were together.
In that place which didn't broke into pieces.
They were only destroying their tomorrow.

The door opened. Youngjae came in the room, his face froze as if it never knew how to smile. Yongguk stopped his walk and Zelo didnt even looked up.

Never as before.
It broke.

They knew that they will never be together again. They will quit the room as one person. Alone and destroyed.

Youngjae was the first to speak :
- I think we can't continue like that.

Silence. Silently seeing all their hopes fly away.

Yongguk was a person who didn't give up. He tried to reason him.
- Youngjae. We said we never give up. Even if...
- Even if what ? Even if we left one by one ? We said we always be together. Why can't you bring them back.

- They... Are... Gone...
Words hurted Yongguk's throat. It will always be painful.
You can't live as if they one day will come back.

- It's why I said we can't continue.

Himchan roughlty stood up. Seeing Youngjae giving up made him angry.
- Ya ! Why are you giving up ? I thought that our hardships made us stronger.

Youngjae didn't even looked at Himchan. He looked at his feets, containing his pain.
- I'm not strong. I'm not unbreakable. I thought I was. The group don't need me. I'm too weak for the fate. I'm broken in too many pieces. I thought I was stronger than all could happen. I was wrong.

Himchan couldn't believe it. All that they were building during all these years was crashing down. Their future was dissapearing. Their lives lost their meaning. Himchan stood in front of Youngjae.
- It's happening because of Daehyun.
Himchan shook the shoulders of Youngjae, lost in an evil destiny.
- Why won't you tell us ? What happened this night ? Answer Youngjae. Answer !

Youngjae looked at him with empty eyes, as if his words just passed away in his mind. Yongguk reached them in a few seconds and pushed Himchan away.
- Are you crazy ? It isn't the moment to fight. We don't need that. Please stop. Stop...

Yongguk knelt down on the floor and his voice died in his throat. His world was falling into pieces. He wispered, like the last trembling of a flame before it dies in the darkness.

- We had a future. We had to spent our years together. We had a life together. I was your leader. I had to make us stronger. I have to make us the best. I have to make us happy. I have to realize your dreams.
I'm sorry. I couldn't.
This destiny we dreamed of is lost forever. I know that we will search for a smile all our lives. Why can't we do that together ? Is our world that destroyed ?
But it had to be like that. The fate is just doing what it had to do.
We had to be strong. We tried to. But if it was planned like that ? If we just have to fall ? If it's that, I'm proud of you. You fighted. Against what you couldn't win.
I'm proud of being your leader. But I'm not anymore.

I'm sorry.

Youngjae is right. We can't continue like that. We can't fight against what had to pull us down. We can't win.
We have to be separate.
We are humans. Humans live and die. Humans leave and cry.

We had to fall together. Don't let the death have this pleasure.

Our group is too painful. It only reminds together. Thinking of what we've done just makes me sad. Because it will never happen again.

Thank you for being in my life. Even if you remind me what I have lost. Even if you just remind me that one day we were together.

Just let's be memories. Memories which remember us how much we fought against what we couldn't win. How much we have been strong. How much we denied that we were humans.

Let's be each other hide strength. That remember that we were together in the past. That we one day have a destiny. That one day we dreamed of a better world. That one day we believed in future.

Let's be a painful past. Which remember us that we were strong. Which remember us what we have overcome. But we always be humans. Humans who suffers. Humans who breaks. Humans who dies.

Let's be human. Let's live. Even if we're not together. Let's live.
As persons who deserve to die one day.

Let's live. Let's cry. Let's regret. Let's miss. Let's erase. Let's forget.
Let's remember. Let's die.


I'm proud of have been your leader.
I hope we will meet again.
Under a brighter sky.
I hope I will see again.
Your precious smiles.

Until then, I promise I will never forget you.


The steps of the one who were their leader resounded in the dark room.

Is it really ending now ?

Tears rolled down to Himchan's cheeks. It was the end. Inevitable. Hoping was vain. From the start, there wasn't hope.
Hope was just in their minds. A lost destiny. Which will never happen.

Their together ended here. Where they often be all here. Where they used to laught, win and hope. Where the shattered pieces of their hearts were scattered. Where they will never come again.

Himchan tried to reach Youngjae. His friend he missed so much. His friend he wanted to hug. But he didn't known that he will never do it again. Youngjae repulsed him. Eyes on the floor.
- You don't deserve to let me hurt you again.
Himchan looked at him with wide eyes. Youngjae wishpered without looking up, avoiding the gaze of the one he often find comfort.
- We end here. Our together ends here. Don't even try to find the pieces of our broken destiny. It's not that they're lost. They just never had existed.
I'm sorry. I hope I'll become the one I wanted to be. Unbreakable. Who will never hurt someone. Who will never bring pain.
I'm not. You're not. We're just humans.
We break.
We fall down.
We give up.
We die.

It's all lies. That we will be happy. That the fate will never catch us. That we were unbreakable.
Humans are not unbreakable.
Because humans die one day.

I don't want to remind you that we lived in a lie.
That we vainly hoped.
That we dreamed of a future which will never happen.
I don't want to hurt you anymore.
Hurt you by being on your side. Hurt you by remind you our painful past.
You don't deserve to see me again. Don't let me hurt you by staying in your life.
Just let me be a memory.
Even if one day you'll forget my name, I've at least been a part of your life. Even if it wasn't the happiest , I'll remember that I'm one of the persons who made you what you are.
I want you to be happy. Please be happy for me, hyung. You deserve it. For what you were for me.
Thank you being a part of my life.

And sorry. Sorry of what I've done. What happen is only my fault. I'm the only one who have to suffer. I'm the only one who have to remember. Please forget me. You don't have to remember what will only bring pain.

The words of Himchan mixed with his heavy tears falling down his red eyes :
- I will never.

Without turning back, Youngjae reached the door. His steps resounded in the room as if the echo could bring him back. Before closing the door that will separate him from his friends until the end, he wishpered :
- I hope you will. If you don't, I will never forgive me.

 

Only two hearts were beating in that room in mourning.

Himchan was crying all the tears of his body.
It can't end here.
We haven't had the time.
The time to be together.
It had to be like that.
Why can't I simply accept it instead of always remind what I've lost ?

Himchan stood up. He walked in the room, searching for the memories he could never see again. His gaze fell on a chair opposite at where he stood a few minutes ago.
- Zelo !

Not a single tear. Not even a gaze. Zelo was frozen in this mask of fatality.

He was just broken inside.

Himchan knelt down in front of Zelo. He tried to find any steam, any spark in his gaze. Empty. His eyes were empty and cold.
- Zelo ?
His voice trembled in the quiet room.
The eyes of Zelo moved a little. And he finally looked right in the eyes of Himchan. Without any trace of compassion or sadness.
Himchan stood up and hugged him tightly. His heart was still beating. He was here. Himchan tried to remove Zelo from his nightmare, but he didn't answer.

But he didn't give up.
Looking at the lifeless eyes of Zelo made him even more sad. But he couldn't give up.

He still could be saved.

In all this darkness, they're were a little steam of hope. This time, it wasn't the fate to decide.
Himchan could do something. It wasn't over. He had the chance to save him. He just had to grab it.
Don't let him sink. Be the one he needed the most right now.

Himchan knelt down and put his hands on Zelo's knees. Zelo avoided his gaze and sadly looked somewhere else.
But Himchan was focused on what was happening now.
Forget the past. He had to save him. Find the words. He had to succeed. More lives didn't have to be broken.

Himchan closed his eyes and let the words heal the bleeding heart of the one who was letting his mind flying in another world.

Zelo. Can you hear me ?
Is that the fate didn't forget to break your wings.
I won't say to not be sad.
I won't say to smile.
I won't say to not cry.
If your mind is dark, let the tears flow. You're an human. Humans have the right to cry. They have the right to be sad.
You can be sad. I will never blame you if you are.
But just remember that you're not alone.
Don't even think a second that you are alone.

Zelo tried to keep his gaze away from Himchan. But Himchan saw his hands shook a little. He continued.

Don't try to be strong. You can let everything out.
I was here when you won, when you smiled, when you laughed.
I'll be there when you cry.
Even if you're in pain now and there's nothing I can do, I will wait.
Wait the day you'll open your heart. Wait the day you'll understand you're an human.

Tears appeared in Zelo's eyes. A single tear which was about to fall. There was finally a little steam of hope in the shadows of his mind. Himchan let the words he wanted to say during all this time out.

Our Zelo. Our little Zelo. Never forget. Even if we are not on your side, we'll always be in your heart. We'll always be here.

Zelo chin shook a little, and he bursted into tears. Warm tears. It wasn't tears of sadness. It was tears of hope. Hope that, behind the clouds, there was the sun. That they can dream of a better world.
Himchan hugged tightly the one he still could protect. He cried quietly in the room which was getting darker.
They cried together. Together, they hoped for a better future. They hoped they could stay together. They hoped that the fate just abandonned them.

If one day we can... Let's be happy. Let's not be hurt.

Slowly, they stood up, as old friends. Himchan wishpered like a promise :

- Let's go home.
- I don't think there is "home" anymore.
- There will always be. It's just that it isn't the same as before. It isn't where we left our precious memories. Is where we'll make new ones.

106.