Chapter 19
Daehyun diary.
Last day.
Last page. Last words.
Nothing last forever. Life. Love. Memories. They all be forget. You can say everything, but death erase all. Memories are keep a few times. But past centuries, nobody will remember you. There are 14 persons dead for one alive. However, is there someone remembering the name of your past past past grandfather. No. Or that person is dead. And will be forget when no one on earth had one day know her.
But what is forever ? Is it until the end of time ? Until the world doesn't exist ? Until the sun dissapear ? It isn't important. I don't need be remembered forever. Forever is not mine. Forever is not yours. Forever, I don't even know if it exist.
I don't want a forever. I just want to be remember by the ones I love. I'm not scared of death. I'm not scared of being forget. Even if there isn't something after dying, I'll be happy to have shared a lifetime with those fantastic people. Even if past thousand years I'll be just dust running through the world.
If you read this in 10, 100, 1000 years, it will be the same message. Tell the people you love that you love them with everything you are. Enjoy your happy moments and give some to the others. Remember them. Because after it's too late. When you say forever, it's already too late.
Time. Time is a second. Time is a lifetime. Time kill, and can't be killed. It's something humans can't destroy. Time separe people, kill, make cry, make sad, make die, be the reason everybody forget one day. But time also give life, give hope, give love, give smiles. Time is just in our heads.
If you read this last page, you understand why I write that. You know what is time for me. I finally understand what happened. The worst feeling in the world is that. Don't remember. Don't understand.
I could finally write that last page, understand why am I here. It was the last thing I would do. Time was against me. But in reality, I just had to let him tell me what he had to say. Give time a chance to heal the wounds it cut in your lost mind.
Hum, I divagate. It's not what I wanted to explain. Yes, it's my last page. My last words. Please don't blame for what I did. What I was. If I gave you pain. If I gave you hope. I'm weak. I was just an human. An human who would fight against time. An human who didn't know he had not any power.
This diary... I write it since the day I wake up. With my sincere feelings. With all the emotions I had when I related my vague memories. The things I always wanted to tell them, but know it's too late. I can say that I will remember them for eternity, but I know it's wrong. Wrong by my fault. I had to tell them before I go. Before they go.
The persons I most want to read this diary will never open a page. Will never know how much I miss them now. Will never know how much I'm feeling guilty. Will never know how much I want to see them one last time. I know I will never see them again. They gave me all they had, but I only gave them pain and tears. You don't know how much I blame myself. I've hated me so much. For not remembering. For abandon them. For making them cry. For not being here. I mean here with them.
It's just a matter of time... Like it always was.
And oh, I was about to forgot. How silly I am. There is a little thing I have to write before I close this book.
And never open it again.
Can we talk about that promise ?
How can I have been so idiot ?
We can't. We can't make the promise of staying together forever.
Because it's impossible.
There's something which doesn't work the way we want to.
But it's like that.
People leave.
People forget.
People die.
But there's a thing people will always do.
They remember.
Remember the past.
Their faults.
The things they couldn't do. Couldn't say.
The people they didn't say goodbye to when they weren't gone yet.
Memories are part of yourself until the end.
When it's the end and you have... nothing.
One day the doctors asked me if I was affraid to die, and I answered : Aren't I already ? There isn't any part of me living here now. It's gone.
Maybe it was right. Or maybe I said it because I didn't want to bring them pain.
Whatever. Does it matter now ?
Because I can breathe for at least a day, the sadness that I must take on fills my two eyes. My memories spread over me in a moment like a hot fever. But never again, never again. I won’t look back. The exhausted scars that have been cut and cut again. They won’t heal, they can’t be forgotten. They remain in my sad heart. The words that I can’t tell you. Those words.
This night, I can’t openly call out to you. This thick, settling silence tightens my heart. If I become a world-traveling wind some day, then I will call you, then I will call you.
I will call out your name.
Though it’s almost stopping, this rain won’t stop falling. Though I beg to the skies. Even if it’s in my dreams, even if it’s just one day, that I can go back. All the remaining images of myself. Please don’t hate them, please don’t erase them.
Is it wrong if I miss you ? Is it wrong if I long for you ? I can’t let you go. I try to see you but I can’t see you. You keep calling out to me from
somewhere. You’re hiding behind my
tears from a corner of my heart. I can’t find you. As if I could touch you with my fingers. As if I could see you with my eyes. I keep thinking of you so I stop in place.
After a long time, I call out to you with tears. There are words I couldn’t say yet. Words I couldn’t say; I’m thankful. Words I couldn’t say; I’m sorry. The words, I love you. Should I let you go as if the wind is passing ? Should I let you go with a warm smile ? Should I pretend that nothing happened. As if we didn’t know each other and let you go ? There are words I couldn’t say yet.
Words that remain in my heart. Words that I swallowed in thousands of times. I love you.
I think I understand what is forever. Forever is... Forever is the same and different for each other. Forever is a lifetime. I can promise I remember someone forever. When you die, that life that means forever to you ends. You can't say what happened when you die. If there is something after. But I don't care. What matter is what you do when you're alive, you're you when you're alive. So forever is for you all the time when you breathe. When your heart beat. Life is forever. Forever ends when life ends. It's not wrong. It's the reality. It's beautiful. Remember a person forever is the most beautiful promise you can do.
Even if her forever ends, she's keeping in your forever.
Be the forever of someone. It's what make life meaningful. They are my forever.
I'm the forever of nobody now. But I don't care. I'm not those people who want to be the forever of everybody. Even if I'm not the forever of anybody on this earth, my life isn't meaningless at all.
I know. I was the forever of the persons who are in mine now. It's all that I wanted.
Now I think I can use this word with it real meaning.
I will remember forever.
Do you know what are the numbers written at the end of each page ?
Now I'm able to write them.
The days.
The days since I fall asleep.
The days since the accident.
The days since our lives broke into pieces.
Since that day when I just crossed that road, tears blurring my sight.
That day when I saw carlights embracing my shadow.
That day when I was one with the stars.
That day, I should have told you I'm will never coming back.
Because this was the end.
The damage was done. The police was coming too slow.
I would have died.
I would have loved you all my life.
Where have you gone?
My heart is so cold in winter here.
And where have I gone? I wake in december with you near.
Remember the day. Because this is what dreams should always be.
I just wanted to stay.
I just wanted to keep this dream in me.
I wanted to say... That it was the last time I'll be alive.
But now it's too late. I'm remaining this as my life is slowly passing. I can't do anything. And I think it's better like this.
Everything has an end.
Life.
Love.
Pain.
Forever.
But what would we do if there wasn't an end. The world must be very, very sad.
And I'll keep drowning in my pain.
I admit it. I'm slipping away from all this pain. Death could be sometimes a gift. For some people, it's just a delivrance. Only people who have nothing to loose. No one they can make cry. No one on their side.
Sorry. I can't do this anymore.
I'm giving up on life.
I'm giving up on me.
But you, I'm only hoping for you.
I'm weak because death is the only solution I've found to end my pain.
But I'm weak alone. And I can't hurt anyone anymore. Because I'm alone with ghosts and memories.
People who think so lightly of their own lives do not have the right to protect anyone.
It's alright. I'm alone. The only thing I'm protecting is your memories.
And I will never let them go.
I will die with your faces in my mind.
Your voices in my head.
Your smiles in my eyes.
And the death on my side.
Slowly fading away, I'm lost and so afraid. Where is the hope in a world so cold ?
Looking for a distant light. But no one can save me. Living in fear.
That no one will hear me cry.
My heart is filled with broken dreams. Just a fading memory.
Everything's gone, but the pain carries on.
Lost in the rain again.
When will it ever end ?
The arms of relief seem so far out of reach.
Don't worry. I'm fine. I'm dying for you. I'm dying for me. I'm dying from a world where I can't find happiness anymore.
I'm dying relieved that I've know you.
That the world gave me angels in my life. Friends on my side. Smiles in my mind.
You never left. You are here. I know now that you were always here.
We will always be together even if we are far apart.
The night is coming. I can see the moon from there. The cold and lonely moon. She may be sad, alone, up there. I know how it feels now.
But I'm not as strong as the moon, lightning the night sky even if there isn't anyone on it's side.
It's the end.
But I have something to do. The last thing.
I've promised something I'm still able to do now.
I said I will write the refrain.
And I feel it. The little piece of paper in my hand.
With your black stained letters.
I'm giving it to you. Our last song. The last song we wrote together.
Even if I close my eyes.
The light that shined on us is still here.
I will keep our precious times deep inside.
Even if pain comes many times.
The days we promised eternal love.
I will never forget those moments.
Our promise to be together forever.
I will keep it here forever.
Even if I walk alone on this road for a bit.
I will show you my everything.
Even if my eyes are keep closed.
The light that shined on us is still here.
I have kept our precious times deep inside.
Even if pain stay until the end.
The days we promised eternal love.
I will never forget those moments.
I remember.
It's great. It will be great.
I wish we could sing it together. I think it should be beautiful.
But we will never. And maybe it's because of that. Because this song will never be complete. Because we will never be singing any line.
And I don't want to. This song is the symbol of our broken lives. A broken song. A broken memory.
Maybe we will sing it in another life. If there is another.
I'm not hoping for another life. I'm hoping for the end of all the pain. Of mine. Of their.
Let it be. Let it be the end. The end for our humans lives.
But it isn't the end of us. We are leaving a trace. Even though it will not last forever, at least the world will remember a part of us.
But I know it will be one day, the end of our memories. But I don't care now. It doesn't matter.
What matters is that I met them in my life.
What matters is that we had so much bright moments.
And that I can't forget it until the end.
I don't have any regrets. Maybe that's the way it should happen. Maybe that's the way it should end. Maybe I'm just a single piece in this world of giant, without any power.
Maybe I'm the one I should become.
And maybe I was just cursed to live this way. Since the start.
I don't care. I've at least shared my happiest moments with them.
So my life is complete.
I've nothing to add in this world anymore.
I think it's time to let go...
My hand is running on the mask on my face. I... Just have to... Pull it off...
The monitor is making acute sounds which pierces my eardrums. But it's too late.
The oxygen is spilling in the room. It's out of reach. And my arms are too weak.
My strength is slowly escaping from my body.
My eyes want to close. I try to hold it a little. I try to catch all the colours of the world before I can't never see them again. A little more...
Now it's dark.
The sky was blue. I remember it was blue. Blue like the sea. Blue like the mint candies Yongguk used to gave us at the end of the practice. Blue like Jongup's favorite bag. Blue like the cup of Youngjae he used to drink his coffee.
I will miss the blue. But it's slowly fading away in my mind. Even my mind his getting darker.
The last thing I want to remember...
The last thing I want to remember...
I don't want to forget. But why my mind is erasing it all ?
We are...
I think it's tears rolling down my cheeks. They are disappearing.
No... I wouldn't ...
My head aches. My heart hurts. My lungs burns.
It's the end.
And them ? Their faces blurred in my mind. Their memories slipping away.
I wanted to remember them until the end.
And now they are leaving me.
The pain gets stronger.
I can't hold it anymore.
I'm sorry.
I promised.
I'm sorry...
Suddently the pain stops.
And let me alone with my silence.
Alone with my echo.
I'm screaming. I'm trying to move. But there's nothing I can do.
Will I die without remembering them ?
Will I die breaking my last promise ?
My eyes are keep closed, tears drying on my cheeks.
Will we...
I hear sounds. I hear voices. In my head.
And suddently in saw them. In my head.
Am I dead ? Am I dreaming ? Is this the end... Of all ?
I running towards them. I think I'm running as fast as my feets can carry me.
But the distance doesn't decrease. They stay far away.
I can see their faces, but I can't come closer.
They are smiling. They have the same faces when I left them. They are together, on the other side of that strange white world.
But then I see their eyes. That sadness of losing me. Now, they are looking at me with those empty and sad eyes. I look at my hands. They are fading away in a black smoke.
And then I understand.
It wasn't them who were fading away.
It was me. It was me who were disappearing.
I was leaving.
I start to slowly escape from them. I try to do a last thing, a last sign to them.
I smile. I think it's the best image I can leave to them.
It's the image of them I wanted to keep in me.
I come back in my body filled with pain. My dying body.
Finally.
They gave me that chance.
That chance to say goodbye.
That chance to see them one last time.
That chance to remember their precious smiles.
To remember them.
Finally, they gave me that chance.
That chance to keep my promise.
I remember.
My mind is slipping away.
My last thoughts are reaching the moon.
If there is another life.
If we could meet again.
If were just cursed to live far apart.
If we will never meet again.
If our lives just end here.
I'm glad.
I'm glad...
Thank you.
My soul is leaving my body and my human being is fading away.
Maybe forever will start again.
Maybe love isn't just pain.
But I know that our forever... My forever... Are one.
Maybe our path are just two different roads which will cross one day. Or stay strictly parallel.
Maybe the moon is lightning both of our worlds now.
Maybe the light that shined on us will never die.
Maybe...
END
Author's note : Well, I don't know what to say... Reading the end makes me melancholic ^^ I just wanted to say that I enjoy writting this and I don't know what to do now. But I have another idea of fanfic, with much more action. It's "the magician" an exo fanfic that I will update soon :p
But above all I want to thank you, ùy precious readers. WIthout you I will not be here and have that smile on my face... Aish, so keep eating chocolate, lay in bed and read fanfics ;)
And one last time, because I will never do it enought : thank you <3
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