Chapter 17
Complicated LoveJONGHYUN
Sometimes, I feel like things aren't as they seem to be between me and Key. Sure, he looks happy with me but, there are also times when it's just him and there's sadness on his face that I feel like everything's not enough. I want to do everything for him to make him happy but whenever I see him from the distance and there's a longing look on his face, it only makes me want to figure out what else I have to do. I know he loves me but there's still something missing for our relationship to be complete, for it to actually last.
But what is it?
"Hey, Jjong," Key called from our room.
"Yeah?"
"I'm going to the grocery, do you need anything?"
He walked out of the room and sat beside me on the sofa, taking hold of my hand. Just like every day, there's a smile on his lips with his eyes glistening as light reflected on them. Why do I keep doubting him when this whole time he's also trying to make our relationship work out? I should be happy, content, and even glad that he's with me - that he's chosen me - but why am I still looking for more?
"Jjong? I'm asking you if you need anything." He shook me and I realized that I still haven't given him an answer.
"Uh, no," I told him. "If... If I do need something I'll just text you."
"Can't, my phone's charging. I guess I'll just buy them later if I'm not feeling lazy or maybe just next time if I am feeling too lazy."
He stood up from the sofa and I followed him as he walked towards the door. "Do you want me to come with you?" I asked, helping him as he tried to balance himself on one foot trying to wear his shoes.
"Nah, it's just for a couple of minutes and besides, it's not like I'm going to carry heavy things. Just a few food items, some necessities for the bathroom, and maybe other things I find on the way. Why, are you going to miss me?"
He wrapped both arms around my neck and pressed our foreheads together, his lips lingering on mine. Automatically, my arms went around his waist and pulled him closer to me, something that's slowly becoming the second most natural thing for me to do. "I'll always miss you, you know that."
I felt his fingers brushing the back of my head and neck, a shudder running through my spine. I've learned to love it whenever he does it to me - the feeling of his fingers on me, the two of us close together even when the space around us was big enough and yet we still prefer being like this, and then the sound of our breathing reaching our ears. Each time we're like this, maybe it's because I'm in love with him so much, that I always forget about the rest of the world and all I can feel, see, hear, and smell is him. And each time, I always wish that time would stop and we'll never have to part to continue life, to do things we're supposed to do.
"Did you know time started moving again a few seconds ago?" He whispered, his tone playful and teasing.
It no longer surprises me when my eyes closes without me realizing it whenever we're like this, and when I opened my eyes moments later and looked at him he was smiling at me. He knows what I'm thinking, I thought to myself. "How'd you know I was thinking about time stopping?" I asked though I already know the answer to it.
"Because we think alike," he said simply, a knowing look on his face. "Though in your case, you always get caught up in it. But! I'm not complaining. If only those things I have to buy weren't so important I would've pulled you back to the sofa with me. Too bad we have to eat and take a bath so I have to."
"Alright, alright. Just come back soon, okay?"
"Oh, and while I'm gone can you go find a movie we can watch later? I looked online to see what movies are currently playing in the cinemas but nothing sounds good. So I was thinking let's just have a date here at home. Besides, it's cheaper, much more private, and much better than those uncomfortable seats that always bring me back pains."
"Got it, what do you want though? Rom-com, action, or suspense-thriller?"
He smiled and leaned in, "Surprise me."
He gave me a quick peck on the lips and left, the sound of the door lock clicking into place. When things are like this, it doesn't feel like things have been rough between us. Those fights we had, the jealousy, and the trust issues, I feel like they never happened. Even though those things started mostly on my part, it relieves me that Key always forgives me that I start thinking how am I going to be able to make it up to him and how to become a better boyfriend for him. From the beginning, I know I've disappointed him, made him sad and even angry, and yet I'm the one who feels like things was not my fault.
And to be honest, I believe that all of this, is no other than but Onew hyung's fault. It took him so long to know about Key's feelings for him, and when he did it was already too late. I've let him take Gwiboon from me, I'm not going to let him do the same thing to Key. It doesn't matter if he's one of my best friend for years and it doesn't matter if they'll go to waste. I just know that he's the one who severed what we had, and there's nothing that can mend that. If I start being better for Kibum, if I can prove to him that I'm better than Onew hyung, I know for sure that he'll never leave me. And if I start treating him better - getting rid of the doubts and the jealousy - Key will start getting rid of his feelings for Onew hyung once and for all.
If that happens, then I'll probably be able to finally trust myself completely as the right one for Key.
Once I was finally able to function again, I started looking for a movie that Key will like. Row after row of DVDs and VCDs, I picked out something I haven't watched in a while. I placed it inside the player and waited until Key arrives, walking around the house looking if there was something else we needed. It makes me smile knowing that even though he's only been here for a little more than two months and yet he's already so attentive about everything. Sure he's been here before many times but now that he lives here, everything's so organized and well kept that I feel like he's been living here for so long.
Before he moved in, the house is a complete mess. My bedroom that used to be all over the place has now become one of those dream bedrooms. When it was just me, I never really fixed my bed after I woke up, I'll just leave it like how it is until I have to sleep again. My dirty clothes used to lie everywhere I threw them, my laundry hamper ignored in the corner of the bathroom. Even my other things were scattered all over the room that I once accidentally stepped on my phone and broke it, cracking the screen that I had no other choice but to get a new one.
Though from what I see, the one in the house has changed so much is the kitchen. Back then, there's really nothing in the fridge except for eggs, kimchi, and left overs from take outs along bottles of juice, soda, water, and cans of beer. The cooking utensils that I seldom use hang on the walls as if they were nothing but decorations. But now that Key started living here with me, everything is in order and things are in their rightful places. Our bed is always made every morning, our clothes are in the hamper and there's always someone in the kitchen using the pots and pans, home cooked meals always on the table instead of pizza or Chinese food. Even the fridge is filled with all different kinds of food - meat, poultry, fish, vegetables, fruits, and everything else that I don't have before even sweets.
It may sound as if I'm making Key as my maid but no, he was doing all these things on his own will. And I'm grateful to him because I am now only realizing that I've been living wrong. I've only cared about other things except myself and it's because of Key that I'm starting to take better care of myself. Ever since then I was the rebel within our group - the stubborn one - but now I've changed not just because of him but because I was willing to change because I know it will make him happy. And making Key happy is the only thing that matters to me now and nothing else.
brr brr
I stood up from the sofa and grabbed my phone lying on the coffee table, Taemin's name showing on the screen. "Hey, Tae. What's up?"
"Hey, hyung. I just wanted to ask if you and Key umma want to come with me and Minho hyung for a short vacation this weekend at his parents' pension house near the seaside. The weather's getting cold so we can just stay inside the house and do something else instead of going for a swim in the ocean. We can do karaoke, play games, and then for dinner we can have barbecue if you guys want. Besides, it's been so long since we were all together and I mean, all six of us. So, what do you say?"
As if on cue, I heard the door open and Key walked in carrying two blue-coloured plastic bags in each hand while an orange Popsicle dangled in his mouth. Cheater. He placed the bags on the counter and started putting the groceries away. "Who's that?" he mouthed, curiosity on his face.
"He's here now, why don't you talk to him?" I said instead, handing Key the phone.
"Hello?"
"Umma!" Even when the phone wasn't on speaker I still heard Taemin yell from the other end of the line.
"Yah! Lee Taemin!" Key scolded though there was playfulness in his voice. "How dare you yell at me?"
"Sorry, umma. But I've been calling you for like a gazillion times. Where were you?"
Key eventually put him on speaker phone and laid it on the counter as he started chopping up vegetables and put them in the pot to cook. Like a lost puppy I followed him in the kitchen and sat on the chair as I watch him move around as if he owns the place. "Sorry, baby, but I just went to the grocery and my phone's charging so I didn't have it with me. What do you need though?"
"Well, I already asked Jonghyun hyung if you two wanted to come with me and Minho to his parents' pension house for a short vacation. And honestly I can't remember the last time we were there for a get together and the last time we're all complete. During your birthday Onew hyung was MIA and we haven't been together since then and I really miss the old times - you know, back when we were still in high school and even during university."
The minute Onew hyung's name was mentioned I saw Key stopped whatever he was doing, his body rigid. Carefully, he put down the knife he was using to cut the meat and slowly faced me. "Does that mean that Onew hyung and Gwiboonnie are coming as well?" he asked, his eyes staring right into mine.
"Yes, and I know what you're thinking so don't you dare reject me. This is a great opportunity for the four of you to fix whatever has been going on. I'm also talking to you, Jonghyun hyung, and yes Key umma, your boyfriend told me what happened to you guys. So think about it. Are we really going to let our friendship go to waste just because of some dumb joke Cupid brought us with his always-failing-love-archery thing that made the four of you fall in love with the wrong person? What about all those memories that we all share, the good times we had, and the bond we have. Our friendship is nothing like others and it would really if we let it break apart completely."
"Tae, it's not that easy," Key sighed, taking steps towards the chair next to me and sat on it, leaning his head on my shoulder. "The whole thing's just too complicated and I don't think if I can do that right now. If possible, I'd rather just forget about the whole thing and that it even happened in the first place because honestly it's really tiring. So, I don't think I can - or want - to come."
"Bull!" Taemin exclaimed. "Just until when are you going to let this go on? When it's no longer complicated? What kind of nonsense is that?" His voice became louder and lost its politeness that even though he wasn't clearly talking to me I was the one who felt insulted instead. Just who does he think he is for talking like that?
"Yah, Lee Taemin," I called him. "He already said he doesn't want to come, okay? Will you just back off?"
Silence followed though we could still hear Taemin from the end of the line. "Fine, we'll cancel this. Instead I want us to meet up - Key hyung, me, and Gwiboon noona. Just the three of us and the two of them better talk or I swear I'll make both of them forcefully. This thing has gotta end and it better end soon."
When he hung up and ended the call, I stood up and took my phone, turning it off so no one will be able to call. I knew that the minute after he mentioned Onew hyung's name that that conversation wasn't going anywhere near good. And somehow I couldn't help but feel that that bastard was the one who planned this, that he only made Taemin say that he and Minho thought of it when it reality he made them to in hopes that Key will agree to come and he'll see him again.
"Jjong..." Key called, walking behind me as he placed a hand on my shoulder. "It's okay, I'm not offended. You know how Taemin's temper is, don't you?"
"Yeah, I know but doesn't mean he can talk to you like that, Key. He's still younger than you and even if he's upset or mad he's still obliged to be respectful to you. I can't let him be like that even if you're not offended by what he did." I turned to face him and saw that there really wasn't any hint of him being offended or even upset, he was just looking at me as if in understanding.
He wrapped his around my waist and rested his head on my chest, "Just let this one go, Jjong, please. I understand his point and if I was in his place, I think I would feel the same. We might not have noticed it but I think Taemin and Minho are also affected by this - by what has happened between us, Onew hyung, and Gwiboonnie."
"Does that mean you're going to meet up with them?" I asked him, my hands going around his body as I rested my chin on top of his head.
"I don't know," he said in a low voice, tightening his hold on me. "Honestly, I do want to fix this so we can get it over with. But not now, I don't think I'm ready yet. I don't want to see either of them yet. Gwiboonnie, I don't want to see her yet because I don't know how I'll face her. I feel guilty, relieved, and so many other things with just the thought of her. And Onew hyung, you know how it is, Jjong. I just don't want to see him yet."
He pulled out of our embrace and continued what he was doing, his back to me. "Then don't go," I told him. "No one's forcing you to go, Key. If you don't want to then don't. It's not their decision and they can't force you to do something like that when you don't want to. And besides, don't you think Taemin's meddling with our business? Fine, let's say that he just wanted to help but who the hell does he think is to make such decisions for us? Seriously, that kid has got to stop poking his nose into other people's business."
"Taemin's intentions were for the good, Jjong. He doesn't mean anything bad with what he said. If... If it's just me, Taemin, and Gwiboon, I can go. I'll manage if it's just going to be the three of us. I'll be able to talk and say whatever I have to say."
The thought of him being with Gwiboon didn't help get rid of the doubts I had after that conversation with Taemin. If it's just going to be the three of them, it should be fine. But instead I'm feeling something else - a familiar one - and I know that today is also going to be just like those other days where I would say something and that promise of making Key happy would crumble to pieces.
"How about I go instead?" I told him.
He turned around and faced me, a look on his eyes that somewhat made me think that I have probably - or already - stepped over the line. "Why? I mean, are you worried about me? I... I understand if you are but really, Jjong, there's nothing for you to be worried about. It's not like I'm going to meet up with a couple notorious criminals. They're my friends - our friends."
"I know that, Key." I can see that he was getting upset, irritation showing in his eyes as he stood there looking somewhere else other than me and his jaw locked in a way that tells me he's only holding himself back. "But you can't blame me if I feel this way because you don't know how painful it is to be betrayed by two of the closest people in your life. I don't want you seeing either of them, Key. They're the reason why this happened in the first place so it's only appropriate that they are the ones who should do something, not us and especially not you. We didn't do anything wrong, they're the ones who wronged us."
"I just hope that you do know that if it weren't for them, we won't be like this," Key said in a low voice as he looked at me in a way I couldn't understand. "You and I... We would still be just as best friends. If it weren't for them, neither of us would realize the feelings we have for each other." He turned off the stove and left the kitchen without another look towards me, the bedroom door slamming close.
As I stood there, contemplating what I just did, I asked myself once again why do I keep letting things like this happen. If I couldn't even stop myself from doing thing that would only hurt and saddens Key then just how in the world can I expect him to be happy with me? The things I say, even though I'm only trying to say what I think, why does it keep coming out of my mouth as if I'm contradicting what's right? I didn't mean anything wrong when I suggested that I go instead of him, when I voiced out my reasons, but why did it end like this once again? The day hasn't ended and yet I feel like it has, another fight that I don't know how long will last.
I took my phone from the counter and turned it on, waiting until it started working again and dialled a number I had to recall from memory. I waited as it ringed, my heart surprisingly beating fast in my chest. When the other end kept ringing, I thought of hanging up and forget about why I even tried to call in the first place. Just as I was about to press 'END' someone picked up.
"Hello? Who is this?"
Hearing her voice once again brought a sharp pain in my chest, my hand tightening its grip on my phone. "Gwiboon, it's me, Jonghyun. I want to meet up, we need to talk."
When I walked inside our room Key was there lying on the bed, hidden from me as the comforter covered him up to his head. From the years we've known each other, I've already memorized his traits that lets me know what he was feeling. With the blankets all over him, I knew that he wasn't mad but rather he was sad. And underneath those blankets, I am fairly certain that he's crying. I can hear him sniffling, and just like that I feel like the biggest in the whole world for making him cry.
"Key," I called softly, taking a seat beside his form. "Key, I'm sorry." He didn't move nor remove the blankets covering him, lying still on the bed beside me. "I called Gwiboon," I went on and saw him stiffen after mentioning her name. "I'm going to meet her later and she agreed to talk with just the two of us, and if things went well then this whole thing can finally be fixed. I want to make you happy, Key, you know that. And if it means that I have to set aside my pride then I will, as long as it will make you happy and I see you smile."
Slowly, the blankets moved as they went lower until Key's eyes appeared, those pair of eyes that I'll never get tired of staring at glistening with tears. "You'd really do that?" he mumbled against the blankets covering his mouth.
"Of course, anything for you," I told him.
He pushed away the blankets as he sat up and embraced me, his arms tightening his hold on me. "Thank you, Jjong," he whispered. "You have no idea how much this means to me. I swear if only I'm strong enough to fix this I would've done this sooner. And if only I was able to make the right choices as soon as things became chaotic between the four of us, then I wouldn't have hurt you."
"After this, my meet up with Gwiboon, that is, let's put everything in the past, Key. I don't want us to fight anymore, I don't want to make you sad, or upset, and cry anymore because it hurts me whenever I see you like that. Just like right now. And I'll be honest with you... I don't want to doubt you anymore. I want to stop thinking that I have to be cautious of what I do because I keep thinking that if I do something wrong then you'll leave me - that you'll go to Onew hyung once I made a mistake. I really love you, Key. I love you so much that I'm going crazy because I keep thinking such things about you even though I shouldn't be. I want to be the right one for you, and I want to be perfect just for you."
He pulled away from stared at me, his face neutral though his gaze narrowed. "What will make me happy is when you fianlly stop comparing yourself to Onew hyung because even if you try over and over again, it's not going to change the fact that you two are completely different and that there's nothing you can do to change that. I fell in love with him for a reason and that reason is not the same why I love you. You don't have to be perfect, Jjong. You just have to be yourself to me. I love you just the way you are right now so there's nothing for you to be worried about or doubt because even if you made the smallest mistakes, sure it might make me to leave you if you keep doing it, but it's not going to make me go back to Onew hyung."
"But I don't want to make anymore mistakes, Key. It's why I want to be perfect for you because I don't want to disappoint you anymore. Just like what happened earlier. Today was supposed to be a great day for both of us but somehow it ended up with you crying. I don't want it to happen anymore but I just don't know how to prevent it from happening..."
He silenced me with a kiss, pulling away a few seconds later but never let go off me. "Shut up, okay? That's enough. Stop worrying about so many things that doesn't even matter. Just trust me, please. Be how you were back then, Jjong - that , cocky, and uber confident Kim Jonghyun - that made every single girl in our school swoon and I promise you things are going to be better. Stop worrying about Onew hyung and these stupid fights that we keep having will stop."
As he kissed me once more, somehow, it made me feel relieved that he believes and has his faith in me unlike what I've been doing to myself. Through his kiss, I could feel his love for me and it made me regret for wasting so many chances by being bothered of something that doesn't even really worth being bothered for. He already made it clear so many times that he wants to be with me much more than him but it's like I've been playing deaf this whole time that I keep making him repeat it over and over again.
And this time, I'm going to be different. I'm going to get rid of this Jonghyun that does nothing but be insecure of himself after getting hurt. This time, I'm going to prove to myself and to everyone that I've changed. For me. For Key.
I got out of bed carefully while I let Key sleep, bringing the blankets up to his chin. Gwiboon and I were supposed to meet an hour ago but I really couldn't leave when Key's the only one I could see, feel, and think of. I got dressed and gently kissed him goodbye on his forehead, leaving a note on my pillow saying that I will be back as soon as I could.
I drove to the place where Gwiboon and I agreed to meet as she suggested - a place we used to frequent. I don't know why she had to choose that of all places. Maybe she thought that it would be better for us to meet up in a place where we had good memories together back when we still in a reationship. I haven't been there in a while not just because I was avoiding it but also because of the fact I still can't get over and move on even when I've already fallen in love with Key.
Gwiboon and I have been together for years, and I actually thought that we were going to get married in the future. I got ahead of the present and planned out everything for us only to pulled back harshly and end up with how the present currently is. I'm not complaining about it though. In fact, I'm actually grateful that Key and I end up because now I know that some things aren't just meant to be. If my relationship with Gwiboon continued longer, I don't even know the things that might have happened. From the beginning, even though we really loved each other, we were always fighting about so many insignificant things. An on-off on-again kind of relationship, that was what we had though none of friends knew about it.
There were times where she and I would scream at each other, at times we threw things out of anger, and those times we hurt each other. But eventually, a few days later we would make up and everything would be back to normal. That was how things were between me and Gwiboon, and somehow I feel like things were the same between me and Key because of me except for the throwing and hurting though I guess I've already hurt him during those times I've made him cry.
When I arrived at the cafe, Gwiboon was already there patiently waiting. She took a sip of her drink - most probably her favourite caramel macchiato - and looked at her watch. Knowing that she and Onew hyung had already broken up didn't lessen the hate, betrayal, and anger I feel towards them both. As I sit inside my car and watch her, it made me think why she hadn't left when I'm already almost two hours late for our supposed meeting. That wasn't like her. In the past, she would be extremely mad if I was only a few minutes late and it would take hours to make it up to her and for her to forgive me.
My phone began to ring and I saw her number on the screen. Instead of answering I turned it off and left it in the car as I got out and made my way towards the cafe. Each step I took that brought me closer, I was able to see and realize that she was sitting on our usual spot - the very corner beside the glass wall of the cafe. She was sitting where she sat the last time we came together and suddenly those memories that I've already pushed to the very back of my mind came flooding back. They were painful - that kind of pain that can make you clutch both of your fists together and you had to restrain yourself from screaming. I was deeply in love Gwiboon. I loved her so much that losing her felt like dying.
But I was able to ignore it and keep walking, thinking that I'm not meeting her because of me but because of Key. She saw me and our eyes met. She smiled at me briefly and we both averted our gazes soon after. I opened the glass door and walked towards where she was, hoping that things would end up the way Key wanted it.
"Hi," she said - her voice soft and gentle - when I was finally seated across from her. "I was actually surprised when you called me earlier, you know. I thought you've already forgotten about me - that I still exist. I..."
"I didn't call you because I want to, Gwiboon," I cut her off, unaffected that I sounded harsh. I saw the hurt in her eyes and it almost made me laugh in disbelief. "I called you because of Key. Taemin called us earlier, something about the six of us going on a small vacation. And you know, the minute I heard your and Onew hyung's name I knew that that conversation was going to end up bad. And that's what happened. He wants to fix this problem we have and honestly, I think Onew hyung was behind it - that he only asked Taemin to do his dirty work because he's doing everything he can to see Key again. I don't want that, Gwiboon. I don't want them to see each other again. But I don't want to hurt Key that's why I'm doing this. Besides, didn't the problem started between us? So I thought why don't we just fix this by ourselves and get it over with."
"When Taemin called me about it and he said he was also planning to call you and Key, I already expected that you're going to say no," she said. She leaned back and placed both of her hands on the table, spinning her cup as she looked at it. "You know, when I found out that you and Key are in a relationship, sure I was hurt, but I sincerely wished that you'll be different towards him. I don't want him to see that Jonghyun I dated for more than ten years - that possessive, control freak Kim Jonghyun who tried to control my life. And from the way you sounded and from what you just said it seems you're still that same guy that I'm starting to feel sorry towards Key because he's now stuck with you."
"I was only controlling you when I think it's necessary." She looked up at me and her gaze has changed. "You were out of control back then, Gwiboon. It was hard to keep you still even for a moment. From high school until university, you kept trying to get other people's attention - especially the guys. You always want their attention on you, every second of every day. Do you have any idea what other people were saying when you're not around and I could hear them talking like that about you? They hurt, Gwiboon, they were hurting me. But I agree with one of them - you're attention . And as your boyfriend wasn't it right if I try to tame you? I mean, no guy would want their girlfriends to be out of control and the center of every gossip."
"Do you want to know why I want their attention, Jonghyun?" she asked. "Because I was suffocating. All of your orders - the do this, do that; don't do this, don't do that - I was sick of it. I want someone to help me get through it because even if I was going through a hard time I don't want to leave you because I love you..."
"So you went to Onew hyung?" I cut her off. "You came to him and told him that you're having a hard time because of me? And then what? You two decided to go out because he wasn't controlling you and stab me in the back as your payback for what I did? If you really loved me then you wouldn't have done it in the first place, Gwiboon. Ten years. Ten ing years and you didn't even had the decency to tell me about what you were really feeling. You could've told me that I was making things harder for you, that you're hurting. I would be able to understand. But instead you just did what you've done and didn't even bother cleanly breaking up with me before you go off dating someone else." I could see the tears welling up in her eyes but it doesn't affect me. The hate I have towards her outweighed the pity and understanding I should be feeling right now.
Sometimes, I feel like things aren't as they seem to be between me and Key. Sure, he looks happy with me but, there are also times when it's just him and there's sadness on his face that I feel like everything's not enough. I want to do everything for him to make him happy but whenever I see him from the distance and there's a longing look on his face, it only makes me want to figure out what else I have to do. I know he loves me but there's still something missing for our relationship to be complete, for it to actually last.
But what is it?
"Hey, Jjong," Key called from our room.
"Yeah?"
"I'm going to the grocery, do you need anything?"
He walked out of the room and sat beside me on the sofa, taking hold of my hand. Just like every day, there's a smile on his lips with his eyes glistening as light reflected on them. Why do I keep doubting him when this whole time he's also trying to make our relationship work out? I should be happy, content, and even glad that he's with me - that he's chosen me - but why am I still looking for more?
"Jjong? I'm asking you if you need anything." He shook me and I realized that I still haven't given him an answer.
"Uh, no," I told him. "If... If I do need something I'll just text you."
"Can't, my phone's charging. I guess I'll just buy them later if I'm not feeling lazy or maybe just next time if I am feeling too lazy."
He stood up from the sofa and I followed him as he walked towards the door. "Do you want me to come with you?" I asked, helping him as he tried to balance himself on one foot trying to wear his shoes.
"Nah, it's just for a couple of minutes and besides, it's not like I'm going to carry heavy things. Just a few food items, some necessities for the bathroom, and maybe other things I find on the way. Why, are you going to miss me?"
He wrapped both arms around my neck and pressed our foreheads together, his lips lingering on mine. Automatically, my arms went around his waist and pulled him closer to me, something that's slowly becoming the second most natural thing for me to do. "I'll always miss you, you know that."
I felt his fingers brushing the back of my head and neck, a shudder running through my spine. I've learned to love it whenever he does it to me - the feeling of his fingers on me, the two of us close together even when the space around us was big enough and yet we still prefer being like this, and then the sound of our breathing reaching our ears. Each time we're like this, maybe it's because I'm in love with him so much, that I always forget about the rest of the world and all I can feel, see, hear, and smell is him. And each time, I always wish that time would stop and we'll never have to part to continue life, to do things we're supposed to do.
"Did you know time started moving again a few seconds ago?" He whispered, his tone playful and teasing.
It no longer surprises me when my eyes closes without me realizing it whenever we're like this, and when I opened my eyes moments later and looked at him he was smiling at me. He knows what I'm thinking, I thought to myself. "How'd you know I was thinking about time stopping?" I asked though I already know the answer to it.
"Because we think alike," he said simply, a knowing look on his face. "Though in your case, you always get caught up in it. But! I'm not complaining. If only those things I have to buy weren't so important I would've pulled you back to the sofa with me. Too bad we have to eat and take a bath so I have to."
"Alright, alright. Just come back soon, okay?"
"Oh, and while I'm gone can you go find a movie we can watch later? I looked online to see what movies are currently playing in the cinemas but nothing sounds good. So I was thinking let's just have a date here at home. Besides, it's cheaper, much more private, and much better than those uncomfortable seats that always bring me back pains."
"Got it, what do you want though? Rom-com, action, or suspense-thriller?"
He smiled and leaned in, "Surprise me."
He gave me a quick peck on the lips and left, the sound of the door lock clicking into place. When things are like this, it doesn't feel like things have been rough between us. Those fights we had, the jealousy, and the trust issues, I feel like they never happened. Even though those things started mostly on my part, it relieves me that Key always forgives me that I start thinking how am I going to be able to make it up to him and how to become a better boyfriend for him. From the beginning, I know I've disappointed him, made him sad and even angry, and yet I'm the one who feels like things was not my fault.
And to be honest, I believe that all of this, is no other than but Onew hyung's fault. It took him so long to know about Key's feelings for him, and when he did it was already too late. I've let him take Gwiboon from me, I'm not going to let him do the same thing to Key. It doesn't matter if he's one of my best friend for years and it doesn't matter if they'll go to waste. I just know that he's the one who severed what we had, and there's nothing that can mend that. If I start being better for Kibum, if I can prove to him that I'm better than Onew hyung, I know for sure that he'll never leave me. And if I start treating him better - getting rid of the doubts and the jealousy - Key will start getting rid of his feelings for Onew hyung once and for all.
If that happens, then I'll probably be able to finally trust myself completely as the right one for Key.
Once I was finally able to function again, I started looking for a movie that Key will like. Row after row of DVDs and VCDs, I picked out something I haven't watched in a while. I placed it inside the player and waited until Key arrives, walking around the house looking if there was something else we needed. It makes me smile knowing that even though he's only been here for a little more than two months and yet he's already so attentive about everything. Sure he's been here before many times but now that he lives here, everything's so organized and well kept that I feel like he's been living here for so long.
Before he moved in, the house is a complete mess. My bedroom that used to be all over the place has now become one of those dream bedrooms. When it was just me, I never really fixed my bed after I woke up, I'll just leave it like how it is until I have to sleep again. My dirty clothes used to lie everywhere I threw them, my laundry hamper ignored in the corner of the bathroom. Even my other things were scattered all over the room that I once accidentally stepped on my phone and broke it, cracking the screen that I had no other choice but to get a new one.
Though from what I see, the one in the house has changed so much is the kitchen. Back then, there's really nothing in the fridge except for eggs, kimchi, and left overs from take outs along bottles of juice, soda, water, and cans of beer. The cooking utensils that I seldom use hang on the walls as if they were nothing but decorations. But now that Key started living here with me, everything is in order and things are in their rightful places. Our bed is always made every morning, our clothes are in the hamper and there's always someone in the kitchen using the pots and pans, home cooked meals always on the table instead of pizza or Chinese food. Even the fridge is filled with all different kinds of food - meat, poultry, fish, vegetables, fruits, and everything else that I don't have before even sweets.
It may sound as if I'm making Key as my maid but no, he was doing all these things on his own will. And I'm grateful to him because I am now only realizing that I've been living wrong. I've only cared about other things except myself and it's because of Key that I'm starting to take better care of myself. Ever since then I was the rebel within our group - the stubborn one - but now I've changed not just because of him but because I was willing to change because I know it will make him happy. And making Key happy is the only thing that matters to me now and nothing else.
brr brr
I stood up from the sofa and grabbed my phone lying on the coffee table, Taemin's name showing on the screen. "Hey, Tae. What's up?"
"Hey, hyung. I just wanted to ask if you and Key umma want to come with me and Minho hyung for a short vacation this weekend at his parents' pension house near the seaside. The weather's getting cold so we can just stay inside the house and do something else instead of going for a swim in the ocean. We can do karaoke, play games, and then for dinner we can have barbecue if you guys want. Besides, it's been so long since we were all together and I mean, all six of us. So, what do you say?"
As if on cue, I heard the door open and Key walked in carrying two blue-coloured plastic bags in each hand while an orange Popsicle dangled in his mouth. Cheater. He placed the bags on the counter and started putting the groceries away. "Who's that?" he mouthed, curiosity on his face.
"He's here now, why don't you talk to him?" I said instead, handing Key the phone.
"Hello?"
"Umma!" Even when the phone wasn't on speaker I still heard Taemin yell from the other end of the line.
"Yah! Lee Taemin!" Key scolded though there was playfulness in his voice. "How dare you yell at me?"
"Sorry, umma. But I've been calling you for like a gazillion times. Where were you?"
Key eventually put him on speaker phone and laid it on the counter as he started chopping up vegetables and put them in the pot to cook. Like a lost puppy I followed him in the kitchen and sat on the chair as I watch him move around as if he owns the place. "Sorry, baby, but I just went to the grocery and my phone's charging so I didn't have it with me. What do you need though?"
"Well, I already asked Jonghyun hyung if you two wanted to come with me and Minho to his parents' pension house for a short vacation. And honestly I can't remember the last time we were there for a get together and the last time we're all complete. During your birthday Onew hyung was MIA and we haven't been together since then and I really miss the old times - you know, back when we were still in high school and even during university."
The minute Onew hyung's name was mentioned I saw Key stopped whatever he was doing, his body rigid. Carefully, he put down the knife he was using to cut the meat and slowly faced me. "Does that mean that Onew hyung and Gwiboonnie are coming as well?" he asked, his eyes staring right into mine.
"Yes, and I know what you're thinking so don't you dare reject me. This is a great opportunity for the four of you to fix whatever has been going on. I'm also talking to you, Jonghyun hyung, and yes Key umma, your boyfriend told me what happened to you guys. So think about it. Are we really going to let our friendship go to waste just because of some dumb joke Cupid brought us with his always-failing-love-archery thing that made the four of you fall in love with the wrong person? What about all those memories that we all share, the good times we had, and the bond we have. Our friendship is nothing like others and it would really if we let it break apart completely."
"Tae, it's not that easy," Key sighed, taking steps towards the chair next to me and sat on it, leaning his head on my shoulder. "The whole thing's just too complicated and I don't think if I can do that right now. If possible, I'd rather just forget about the whole thing and that it even happened in the first place because honestly it's really tiring. So, I don't think I can - or want - to come."
"Bull!" Taemin exclaimed. "Just until when are you going to let this go on? When it's no longer complicated? What kind of nonsense is that?" His voice became louder and lost its politeness that even though he wasn't clearly talking to me I was the one who felt insulted instead. Just who does he think he is for talking like that?
"Yah, Lee Taemin," I called him. "He already said he doesn't want to come, okay? Will you just back off?"
Silence followed though we could still hear Taemin from the end of the line. "Fine, we'll cancel this. Instead I want us to meet up - Key hyung, me, and Gwiboon noona. Just the three of us and the two of them better talk or I swear I'll make both of them forcefully. This thing has gotta end and it better end soon."
When he hung up and ended the call, I stood up and took my phone, turning it off so no one will be able to call. I knew that the minute after he mentioned Onew hyung's name that that conversation wasn't going anywhere near good. And somehow I couldn't help but feel that that bastard was the one who planned this, that he only made Taemin say that he and Minho thought of it when it reality he made them to in hopes that Key will agree to come and he'll see him again.
"Jjong..." Key called, walking behind me as he placed a hand on my shoulder. "It's okay, I'm not offended. You know how Taemin's temper is, don't you?"
"Yeah, I know but doesn't mean he can talk to you like that, Key. He's still younger than you and even if he's upset or mad he's still obliged to be respectful to you. I can't let him be like that even if you're not offended by what he did." I turned to face him and saw that there really wasn't any hint of him being offended or even upset, he was just looking at me as if in understanding.
He wrapped his around my waist and rested his head on my chest, "Just let this one go, Jjong, please. I understand his point and if I was in his place, I think I would feel the same. We might not have noticed it but I think Taemin and Minho are also affected by this - by what has happened between us, Onew hyung, and Gwiboonnie."
"Does that mean you're going to meet up with them?" I asked him, my hands going around his body as I rested my chin on top of his head.
"I don't know," he said in a low voice, tightening his hold on me. "Honestly, I do want to fix this so we can get it over with. But not now, I don't think I'm ready yet. I don't want to see either of them yet. Gwiboonnie, I don't want to see her yet because I don't know how I'll face her. I feel guilty, relieved, and so many other things with just the thought of her. And Onew hyung, you know how it is, Jjong. I just don't want to see him yet."
He pulled out of our embrace and continued what he was doing, his back to me. "Then don't go," I told him. "No one's forcing you to go, Key. If you don't want to then don't. It's not their decision and they can't force you to do something like that when you don't want to. And besides, don't you think Taemin's meddling with our business? Fine, let's say that he just wanted to help but who the hell does he think is to make such decisions for us? Seriously, that kid has got to stop poking his nose into other people's business."
"Taemin's intentions were for the good, Jjong. He doesn't mean anything bad with what he said. If... If it's just me, Taemin, and Gwiboon, I can go. I'll manage if it's just going to be the three of us. I'll be able to talk and say whatever I have to say."
The thought of him being with Gwiboon didn't help get rid of the doubts I had after that conversation with Taemin. If it's just going to be the three of them, it should be fine. But instead I'm feeling something else - a familiar one - and I know that today is also going to be just like those other days where I would say something and that promise of making Key happy would crumble to pieces.
"How about I go instead?" I told him.
He turned around and faced me, a look on his eyes that somewhat made me think that I have probably - or already - stepped over the line. "Why? I mean, are you worried about me? I... I understand if you are but really, Jjong, there's nothing for you to be worried about. It's not like I'm going to meet up with a couple notorious criminals. They're my friends - our friends."
"I know that, Key." I can see that he was getting upset, irritation showing in his eyes as he stood there looking somewhere else other than me and his jaw locked in a way that tells me he's only holding himself back. "But you can't blame me if I feel this way because you don't know how painful it is to be betrayed by two of the closest people in your life. I don't want you seeing either of them, Key. They're the reason why this happened in the first place so it's only appropriate that they are the ones who should do something, not us and especially not you. We didn't do anything wrong, they're the ones who wronged us."
"I just hope that you do know that if it weren't for them, we won't be like this," Key said in a low voice as he looked at me in a way I couldn't understand. "You and I... We would still be just as best friends. If it weren't for them, neither of us would realize the feelings we have for each other." He turned off the stove and left the kitchen without another look towards me, the bedroom door slamming close.
As I stood there, contemplating what I just did, I asked myself once again why do I keep letting things like this happen. If I couldn't even stop myself from doing thing that would only hurt and saddens Key then just how in the world can I expect him to be happy with me? The things I say, even though I'm only trying to say what I think, why does it keep coming out of my mouth as if I'm contradicting what's right? I didn't mean anything wrong when I suggested that I go instead of him, when I voiced out my reasons, but why did it end like this once again? The day hasn't ended and yet I feel like it has, another fight that I don't know how long will last.
I took my phone from the counter and turned it on, waiting until it started working again and dialled a number I had to recall from memory. I waited as it ringed, my heart surprisingly beating fast in my chest. When the other end kept ringing, I thought of hanging up and forget about why I even tried to call in the first place. Just as I was about to press 'END' someone picked up.
"Hello? Who is this?"
Hearing her voice once again brought a sharp pain in my chest, my hand tightening its grip on my phone. "Gwiboon, it's me, Jonghyun. I want to meet up, we need to talk."
When I walked inside our room Key was there lying on the bed, hidden from me as the comforter covered him up to his head. From the years we've known each other, I've already memorized his traits that lets me know what he was feeling. With the blankets all over him, I knew that he wasn't mad but rather he was sad. And underneath those blankets, I am fairly certain that he's crying. I can hear him sniffling, and just like that I feel like the biggest in the whole world for making him cry.
"Key," I called softly, taking a seat beside his form. "Key, I'm sorry." He didn't move nor remove the blankets covering him, lying still on the bed beside me. "I called Gwiboon," I went on and saw him stiffen after mentioning her name. "I'm going to meet her later and she agreed to talk with just the two of us, and if things went well then this whole thing can finally be fixed. I want to make you happy, Key, you know that. And if it means that I have to set aside my pride then I will, as long as it will make you happy and I see you smile."
Slowly, the blankets moved as they went lower until Key's eyes appeared, those pair of eyes that I'll never get tired of staring at glistening with tears. "You'd really do that?" he mumbled against the blankets covering his mouth.
"Of course, anything for you," I told him.
He pushed away the blankets as he sat up and embraced me, his arms tightening his hold on me. "Thank you, Jjong," he whispered. "You have no idea how much this means to me. I swear if only I'm strong enough to fix this I would've done this sooner. And if only I was able to make the right choices as soon as things became chaotic between the four of us, then I wouldn't have hurt you."
"After this, my meet up with Gwiboon, that is, let's put everything in the past, Key. I don't want us to fight anymore, I don't want to make you sad, or upset, and cry anymore because it hurts me whenever I see you like that. Just like right now. And I'll be honest with you... I don't want to doubt you anymore. I want to stop thinking that I have to be cautious of what I do because I keep thinking that if I do something wrong then you'll leave me - that you'll go to Onew hyung once I made a mistake. I really love you, Key. I love you so much that I'm going crazy because I keep thinking such things about you even though I shouldn't be. I want to be the right one for you, and I want to be perfect just for you."
He pulled away from stared at me, his face neutral though his gaze narrowed. "What will make me happy is when you fianlly stop comparing yourself to Onew hyung because even if you try over and over again, it's not going to change the fact that you two are completely different and that there's nothing you can do to change that. I fell in love with him for a reason and that reason is not the same why I love you. You don't have to be perfect, Jjong. You just have to be yourself to me. I love you just the way you are right now so there's nothing for you to be worried about or doubt because even if you made the smallest mistakes, sure it might make me to leave you if you keep doing it, but it's not going to make me go back to Onew hyung."
"But I don't want to make anymore mistakes, Key. It's why I want to be perfect for you because I don't want to disappoint you anymore. Just like what happened earlier. Today was supposed to be a great day for both of us but somehow it ended up with you crying. I don't want it to happen anymore but I just don't know how to prevent it from happening..."
He silenced me with a kiss, pulling away a few seconds later but never let go off me. "Shut up, okay? That's enough. Stop worrying about so many things that doesn't even matter. Just trust me, please. Be how you were back then, Jjong - that , cocky, and uber confident Kim Jonghyun - that made every single girl in our school swoon and I promise you things are going to be better. Stop worrying about Onew hyung and these stupid fights that we keep having will stop."
As he kissed me once more, somehow, it made me feel relieved that he believes and has his faith in me unlike what I've been doing to myself. Through his kiss, I could feel his love for me and it made me regret for wasting so many chances by being bothered of something that doesn't even really worth being bothered for. He already made it clear so many times that he wants to be with me much more than him but it's like I've been playing deaf this whole time that I keep making him repeat it over and over again.
And this time, I'm going to be different. I'm going to get rid of this Jonghyun that does nothing but be insecure of himself after getting hurt. This time, I'm going to prove to myself and to everyone that I've changed. For me. For Key.
I got out of bed carefully while I let Key sleep, bringing the blankets up to his chin. Gwiboon and I were supposed to meet an hour ago but I really couldn't leave when Key's the only one I could see, feel, and think of. I got dressed and gently kissed him goodbye on his forehead, leaving a note on my pillow saying that I will be back as soon as I could.
I drove to the place where Gwiboon and I agreed to meet as she suggested - a place we used to frequent. I don't know why she had to choose that of all places. Maybe she thought that it would be better for us to meet up in a place where we had good memories together back when we still in a reationship. I haven't been there in a while not just because I was avoiding it but also because of the fact I still can't get over and move on even when I've already fallen in love with Key.
Gwiboon and I have been together for years, and I actually thought that we were going to get married in the future. I got ahead of the present and planned out everything for us only to pulled back harshly and end up with how the present currently is. I'm not complaining about it though. In fact, I'm actually grateful that Key and I end up because now I know that some things aren't just meant to be. If my relationship with Gwiboon continued longer, I don't even know the things that might have happened. From the beginning, even though we really loved each other, we were always fighting about so many insignificant things. An on-off on-again kind of relationship, that was what we had though none of friends knew about it.
There were times where she and I would scream at each other, at times we threw things out of anger, and those times we hurt each other. But eventually, a few days later we would make up and everything would be back to normal. That was how things were between me and Gwiboon, and somehow I feel like things were the same between me and Key because of me except for the throwing and hurting though I guess I've already hurt him during those times I've made him cry.
When I arrived at the cafe, Gwiboon was already there patiently waiting. She took a sip of her drink - most probably her favourite caramel macchiato - and looked at her watch. Knowing that she and Onew hyung had already broken up didn't lessen the hate, betrayal, and anger I feel towards them both. As I sit inside my car and watch her, it made me think why she hadn't left when I'm already almost two hours late for our supposed meeting. That wasn't like her. In the past, she would be extremely mad if I was only a few minutes late and it would take hours to make it up to her and for her to forgive me.
My phone began to ring and I saw her number on the screen. Instead of answering I turned it off and left it in the car as I got out and made my way towards the cafe. Each step I took that brought me closer, I was able to see and realize that she was sitting on our usual spot - the very corner beside the glass wall of the cafe. She was sitting where she sat the last time we came together and suddenly those memories that I've already pushed to the very back of my mind came flooding back. They were painful - that kind of pain that can make you clutch both of your fists together and you had to restrain yourself from screaming. I was deeply in love Gwiboon. I loved her so much that losing her felt like dying.
But I was able to ignore it and keep walking, thinking that I'm not meeting her because of me but because of Key. She saw me and our eyes met. She smiled at me briefly and we both averted our gazes soon after. I opened the glass door and walked towards where she was, hoping that things would end up the way Key wanted it.
"Hi," she said - her voice soft and gentle - when I was finally seated across from her. "I was actually surprised when you called me earlier, you know. I thought you've already forgotten about me - that I still exist. I..."
"I didn't call you because I want to, Gwiboon," I cut her off, unaffected that I sounded harsh. I saw the hurt in her eyes and it almost made me laugh in disbelief. "I called you because of Key. Taemin called us earlier, something about the six of us going on a small vacation. And you know, the minute I heard your and Onew hyung's name I knew that that conversation was going to end up bad. And that's what happened. He wants to fix this problem we have and honestly, I think Onew hyung was behind it - that he only asked Taemin to do his dirty work because he's doing everything he can to see Key again. I don't want that, Gwiboon. I don't want them to see each other again. But I don't want to hurt Key that's why I'm doing this. Besides, didn't the problem started between us? So I thought why don't we just fix this by ourselves and get it over with."
"When Taemin called me about it and he said he was also planning to call you and Key, I already expected that you're going to say no," she said. She leaned back and placed both of her hands on the table, spinning her cup as she looked at it. "You know, when I found out that you and Key are in a relationship, sure I was hurt, but I sincerely wished that you'll be different towards him. I don't want him to see that Jonghyun I dated for more than ten years - that possessive, control freak Kim Jonghyun who tried to control my life. And from the way you sounded and from what you just said it seems you're still that same guy that I'm starting to feel sorry towards Key because he's now stuck with you."
"I was only controlling you when I think it's necessary." She looked up at me and her gaze has changed. "You were out of control back then, Gwiboon. It was hard to keep you still even for a moment. From high school until university, you kept trying to get other people's attention - especially the guys. You always want their attention on you, every second of every day. Do you have any idea what other people were saying when you're not around and I could hear them talking like that about you? They hurt, Gwiboon, they were hurting me. But I agree with one of them - you're attention . And as your boyfriend wasn't it right if I try to tame you? I mean, no guy would want their girlfriends to be out of control and the center of every gossip."
"Do you want to know why I want their attention, Jonghyun?" she asked. "Because I was suffocating. All of your orders - the do this, do that; don't do this, don't do that - I was sick of it. I want someone to help me get through it because even if I was going through a hard time I don't want to leave you because I love you..."
"So you went to Onew hyung?" I cut her off. "You came to him and told him that you're having a hard time because of me? And then what? You two decided to go out because he wasn't controlling you and stab me in the back as your payback for what I did? If you really loved me then you wouldn't have done it in the first place, Gwiboon. Ten years. Ten ing years and you didn't even had the decency to tell me about what you were really feeling. You could've told me that I was making things harder for you, that you're hurting. I would be able to understand. But instead you just did what you've done and didn't even bother cleanly breaking up with me before you go off dating someone else." I could see the tears welling up in her eyes but it doesn't affect me. The hate I have towards her outweighed the pity and understanding I should be feeling right now.
"I didn't mean to, Jjong," she said. "I just wanted someone to know and help me out. I didn't know he has feelings for me and I didn't think that I was going to develop feelings for him as well."
"It doesn't matter. What's done is done and I don't care anymore what you say because they're are useless. So I'm going to say this to you and you better pass this to Onew hyung - Key is mine and I will do everything for him, anything that will make him happy. And you know what, I think I changed my mind about that vacation Taemin was talking about. If Key wants to go then we'll go. But you better prevent Onew hyung from getting close to him. I know that you also want this thing between us fixed so do me that favour and I'm telling you, whatever happened to all of us will disappear. Maybe not just like that but eventually. What do you say?"
A/N:
i just want to get this posted ASAP but i'm too tired to proofread so maybe i'll do it next time....
ohmygod!!! the SHINee/EXO concert is on thursday and i'm not going to see them.... FML i hate you SM!! but i'm going to SS5 though so that should be lessen the pain..
anywho, have you guys seen that pic of Key during his rehearsal for his musical and he was kissing the female lead?? oh god my heart sank when i saw that but oh well, it's work...
soo.... that should be for now my lovely readers... comment and/or subscribe and/or vote (same goes to my other fics as well if you're subscribed to them)
until the next update... later!!
- immaLockets029
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