Chapter 12 pt. 2
Complicated LoveA/N:
hey guys!! i'm back with another update!!
this is the 2nd half of chapter 12 and i am so sorry for taking so long to update it...
just a few more month and i'll be able to update more often... (gotta finish school...)
so, here it is and enjoy!!
- immaLocket029
ONEW
"Are you trying to blame all this on me, Key? That all this is my fault?" I asked him. I can't believe he's trying to put all this on me, rubbing to my face that Jonghyun's been there for him when I wasn't. I already know my mistakes but does he really have to be like that to me?
"No, I'm not. I'm just saying the truth. I'm trying to make see you that what you're planning to do will only make things worse." I looked at him incredulously.
"I'm trying to make things straight, Key. You're the one who's worrying about these things but you don't care if we're both lying to them."
"I'll tell you one thing, hyung, and you better think about it thoroughly. If I break up with Jonghyun, do you have any idea what or how he would feel? Right now out of the four of us, his situation is the worst, worse than mine when you don't know anything. You took Gwiboon away from him and he was obviously upset about it. And now, you want to take me away from him after finally being able to move on from his failed relationship with her. Don't you think you're being a little selfish?"
The way Key looked straight into my eyes tells me that he was serious and all that he said was probably right. But what can I do though? I love him and he loves me, the two of us are supposed to be together and yet we're with different people. I just want us to be together. I already wasted so much time believing that the person I want to be with was the same person I really love. I don't want to make the same mistakes again, but how can I avoid that when Key doesn't even let me?
"I just want us to be together, Key. I just want to prove it to you - my feelings for you," I said, my voice obviously showing that I lose this argument.
"I know you do hyung. I do, too," he sighed as he nodded his head a little bit.
"Can I ask you something though?" he only shrugged and I took it as a yes.
"Are you starting to have feelings for Jonghyun? Just the slightest bit?" I don't even know why I'm asking him this question. He already told me that he still loves me but with the way Key is trying to defend his relationship with Jonghyun made me think that there might be something more between them than I thought there is.
I'm guessing he got caught off guard with my sudden question, his eyes narrowing at me slightly but his expression stayed blank and calm. "You're probably doubting me now, aren't you?" he sighed again, looking away from me and broke our eye contact, "I can't blame you, though. But please don't think that what I said before are lies, because they're not, hyung. I'm always sure of what I feel and you know that my feelings for you are still here."
He put his hand on his chest, just above where his heart is and shame is the only thing that I can feel right now. I don't any right to judge or doubt Key's feelings for me, especially after all what he had endured because of me. I should be the one believing in him, not thinking that maybe he was only lying to me just to make me see how stupid I was for treating unfairly for years.
I looked away from him then, my eyes moving around the room but seeing nothing in particular. I guess I deserve this kind of thing happening to me. I was selfish, insensitive and foolish. Neither of us talked for quite sometime; he was still sitting on the floor with his legs pulled up and his chin resting on his knees while I'm sitting on the couch leaned backwards, my head resting on the back rest and my eyes boring onto the ceiling.
"Onew hyung," he called lightly. I only hummed in response to him and he continued, "Please don't break up with Gwiboon."
I turned my head and looked at him then and saw him looking at the floor with a sad expression on his face. "Why?" I asked back on the same tone as his.
"I don't want her to get hurt because of me. I'd rather see her happy with you than see her sad and hurt because of us. I don't want the same thing to happen to Jonghyun either; he's important to me, hyung - both of you."
Key finally decided to look at me, our eyes meeting and I noticed that those chocolate brown orbs of his were starting to become glassy as tears started pooling on them. "So you’d rather be with someone you don’t love, that you’d rather see me with someone else when you know that I’m in love with you and not with her. Are you stupid? After all those years of waiting for me, now that I’m here, you’re going to give it up just like that? You’re not even going to fight for it?”
“I’m not giving it up, hyung. I’m only doing what is right. You can call me whatever the hell you want, but I'm not going to end things with Jonghyun. That's my final decision. I'd rather make others happy before thinking of myself."
Key finally stood up and went to his room, not giving me another glance. I can only sigh and think about everything he just said. Maybe I was being a little too selfish, thinking about my own happiness rather than thinking about how others would feel. But how am I going to do it when the person I love is hurting, too, and I can't do something about it?
Eventually I gave up with it and made myself busy doing something else to keep my mind off of it. I went to my room and picked up a random book on the shelf, started reading a couple of lines and threw it on the floor. I'm so bored and there's nothing to do inside the house. It was just past noon, the sun bright outside and I don’t feel like going out. Maybe coming back here is mistake after all. If I only knew that this is what’s going to happen after I confess to him then maybe I shouldn’t have come back. Maybe I should’ve stayed far away from him, or better yet left the country.
Why does it have to be like this? Maybe everything really is my fault. If I hadn't told and made myself believe that I'm in love with Gwiboon, if I hadn't gone out with her and accepted the fact that she was starting to feel something for me more than as friends, if only I didn't let myself be blinded by false hopes and instead opened my eyes to everything around me then I would have been able to see how Key felt towards me.
I don't know how long he's been in love with me - years, maybe - but if it was like that then how come he didn't say anything and showed anything that there was something. He kept himself isolated from us whenever we're all together, sitting all alone by himself and not talking. I noticed it a few times but all he said was "I'm fine" with a smile and he would tell us to go back to what we were doing. Maybe I really was that stupid for not noticing anything from the beginning.
I should've known that he was hurting, that all those times he was trying to hide the pain away from all of us with a smile far from real. If only I realized things sooner then maybe I should've been the one he's with right now, and Jonghyun would still be with Gwiboon just like how it's supposed to be from the beginning. There are so many possibilities in this situation that it made me realize that from the very beginning, I should've made the right choices and thought things rationally instead of being impulsive and thoughtless. Now I wish I could back in time and change things the right way, but sadly, I can only wish and face the present time, hoping that someday everything will be fine.
For the rest of the day, I can tell that Key was avoiding me although he tried not to show it. My phone rang a couple of times but I ignored it. I was way too affected from what happened earlier and I can only sit around doing nothing. The last time my phone rang, Gwiboon's face was showed on the screen and it made me thought of calling her back.
It actually made me feel awful and guilty that I was leading her on. She was such a nice girl, and knowing that I'm in love with someone made me look as the bad guy. Which I guess I am in a way, since she's the one calling me by I only ignored it. And add the fact that I wanted to break up with her without even considering what she might feel when she finds out that the reason I broke up was because I'm in love with Key.
Inside my head, I can already see what will happen when I break up with her - her eyes full of tears, their rims red from all the crying, maybe that cliché line, "It's not you, it's me. Maybe we can still be friends" will be used at some point. That line is just really crappy, seriously. Will I be able to do it to her without feeling guilty or bad about it?
At some point during the week, I finally decided to meet up with her. I already had everything planned - what I will say to her, how to deal with the crying and the possible hitting from her, and when Key finds out that I broke up with her maybe a few more hitting. I gave this break up a lot of thought - considering everything especially Gwiboon's feelings and all - and decided that I really can't go on with our relationship. Although until now I'm still battling with myself if I should tell her about the fact that I'm in love with Key, but I won't tell that Key also felt the same thing and that it's a one-sided thing from me.
"Where are you going?" I turned around to see Key looking at me with curiosity.
He was sitting in the living room with his laptop in use. It was probably the first time he talked to me again after that discussion we had. I can't believe things are being the same as it was before the truth started coming out of the surface. Everything was awkward again between us, we barely talked, we never stay in the same room, and we can't even look at each other without finding the other looking back. Well that was mostly me towards him because I kept looking at him and I really want everything to be normal around us and he's making it difficult by ignoring me.
"I'm meeting up with Gwiboon," I replied, making my way towards the door and started slipping on my shoes. I heard his footsteps follow me and when I stood back up he was leaning against the edge of the wall with his eyes narrowed at me.
"You're not going to do it. You're not going to break up with her." The way he said it sounded so much like a command it made think that I shouldn't continue my plan but I quickly pushed the thought out of my head.
"I'll see you later," I simply said, avoiding his question and his gaze as I left the apartment.
I knew he'll be mad at me for this; he'll blame himself if Gwiboon gets hurt. But I already made up my mind and this is something I need to do. I want to make everything right; I want to make the right decisions this time around. When I arrived to where Gwiboon and I decided to meet, I already saw her waiting for me, a tall glass of drink placed in front of her on the round table. I waited for a minute inside the car, making sure that I won't make a mistake when I come out. Just before I got out, my phone rang and I saw Key's picture on the screen. I knew he was still trying to change my mind so I decided to ignore the call and leave my phone inside the car when I got out.
"Oppa!" I heard Gwiboon called as I neared her table.
She stood up and hugged me when I stopped beside her. She was obviously happy to see me after being gone for quite sometime. It actually made me feel bad and guilty as I remember that I never called her once nor did I picked up her calls. I smiled at her and we sat down, never letting my hand go.
"I missed you, oppa. Where we're you and why didn't you call me?" she asked, her eyes softly looking at me in worry and relief with her lips tugged at the corners in small smile.
"I'm sorry, Gwiboon-ah. I was just taking a break from something. Uhh, can we talk about something?" her old on my hand loosen a little bit and her expression changed a little bit as her smile faltered.
"Okay, what is it?" Eventually she retrieved her hand and placed her hands on her lap. She looked at me, a slight frown already forming on her face.
"Can we go somewhere more private? I want to talk to you with less people around us."
Her frown deepened slightly but she nodded anyway and stood up from her seat, slinging her bad to her shoulders and started walking ahead of me. I also stood up and followed her, walking behind a few steps. We stopped at a secluded area in the park, only a few people hanging out and an old couple sitting on the shaded bench.
Gwiboon sat down at the other shaded bench and waited for me. I sat down, leaving a small gap between us before starting, "I think..." I paused to look at her. I guess she already knew what I was going I say next when she looked away from me and her lips quivered. "I think we need to break up," I finished, letting out a sigh as I lowered my head and closed my eyes.
"Why?" she whispered.
I don't want to look at her. I don't want to see her crying. But it's for the best and she deserves the best, including the freedom to find the right guy for her.
"I kind of fell in love with someone else, I didn't mean to, but it just happened. Or I guess I was already in love I just never realized it from the beginning. I never want to hurt you, Gwiboon, but I can't lie to you."
I gained enough courage to open my eyes, and just as I was about to look at her, I heard sniffling and I knew she was already crying. I turned my head towards her direction, the tears running down her face and she never bothered to wipe them away. She was looking in front of her rather than me; I guess I understand she doesn't want to look at me. "Do I know her? Or do I know him?"
When her words left , she did finally look at me straight in the eyes. They looked blank and empty, her eyes void of any emotions that can tell me what she was really feeling. At first I was just repeating her words, never really understanding them until it hit me. "Do I know her? Or do I know him?" Suddenly I was at a loss for words. Should I tell her the truth? I guess my mouth decided for me before I could even think about it.
"Yeah, you've known him for quite sometime," I replied.
"Is it Key then?" It shocked me, I must admit but I nodded, our eyes still locked with each other but she turned away. She closed hers and let more tears fall.
Maybe it's time to tell everything how I feel for the past few days. "I realized I've been in love with him all along, Gwiboon. I was just too oblivious to notice anything. I left because I was hurt and I couldn't stand seeing him with Jonghyun. And when I came back..."
"Does he know?" she asked. Her tone actually surprised me. She sounded sympathetic instead of angry and frustrated.
"I... I did tell him when I got back."
"And? What did he say?"
"He said..." Should I really tell her? "He said he can't. He can't leave Jonghyun."
"But he's in love with you, isn't he? He feels the same way about you," she stated, confidently and surely.
"What?"
"I noticed it, oppa. The way he looks at you when we're all together. Actually, I felt bad when we started dating because I thought that he still had something for you. But he was dating Jonghyun so I thought maybe he moved on already."
I thought I had to tell her, but I guess she figured it all out on her own. At this time, her tears already stopped flowing from her eyes. Instead, there was a smile on her face. "Are you mad at me, Gwiboon?"
"No, why would I be? I would never be mad at you for falling in love, and also for telling me the truth. Falling in love isn't a mistake, especially when you found the right one. And right now that just proves that you're a great guy, Onew oppa. Although you're not the one for me, I still want to be friends with you," she turned to look at me and continued, "If that's fine with you, of course." she smiled widely and a big weight was lifted off my shoulders.
Instead of answering, I grabbed her shoulders and enveloped in the tightest hug I could give her. I can't believe this girl is not meant for me. She's too nice, too forgiving, and I don't even know why I didn't fell in love with her instead. But I'm not regretting anything with my decisions; I want everything to be right. And this is a part of it. "You want to watch movie?" I asked when I let her go. She nodded her furiously and off we went to the movie theatre.
By the time we finished, it was already dark. During the whole time, we were laughing, playing games, making fun of each other, and everything that friends do when they hang out. One time, when we were playing Truth or Dare and Gwiboon chose dare, I dared her to get a free ice cream sundae by flirting to one of the guys working at the ice cream shop. I saw her use her flirty face on as she batted her eyes at the guy and flipped her hair lightly and almost immediately, the guy nodded as he handed her the sundae with extra sprinkles and chocolate syrup on top.
"How'd it go?" I asked as she went back to our spot carrying the large bowl with three scoops of ice cream in three different flavours and two pink plastic spoons stabbed on top.
"I have a date this weekend with a soon-to-be artist and he promised that we'll go to his agency to see if he can get me in as well, as according to him and I quote "the potential to be one of the great and successful artists in the country" within me." She smiled proudly as she started eating the ice cream between us.
Surprisingly, even though we used to be a couple just hours ago, the atmosphere between us was very comfortable. We can even joke about our love life and the relationships we've had in the past. She was always smiling and I can tell that it wasn't forced or a pretend. I'm glad that after all that, we can still be friends and have everything between us back to normal.
As I walk her home, the silence between us was nowhere near uncomfortable. We talk in a while, laugh sometimes, and by the time we stopped in front of her house there was a lone tear that escaped her eyes. "I'm sorry," she said, wiping the tear away with her fingers and smiled. "I don't know what suddenly got into me. It must be my allergies acting up."
I hugged her and rested my head on top of hers. "Its okay, Gwiboon, you can cry all you want, I'll be here for you." I rubbed her back soothingly, although I can feel a prickling sensation behind my eyes as I forced myself not to cry.
"It hurts oppa. It really hurts," she cried even more on my chest but I can't blame her. It hurts me, too, but I had to do it. It's the only way to start making things right.
"I know, but it will get better sometime, Gwiboon. Once it does, you'll find the right guy who can make you truly happy and love you with his whole heart and be with you forever. Maybe it's the guy you'll be seeing this weekend." I let go of her enough to see her face under street lamp. The orange glow making the tear tracks on her face shine and glisten.
"You're right. There're a lot of guys out there for me and I just need to find the right one. Maybe I'll try my luck this weekend." She broke out of my hold and wiped her face once again, breathing a couple of times before smiling once again. "I'm going to make myself forget, make myself stronger, and make sure that I get my happily ever after. I'll also make sure that I won't regret letting you go. But just remember, if Key doesn't take you, you know you can always come back to me," she declared proudly as she walked up to me and gave me a peck on the cheek before going inside her house.
I waited for a few minutes before leaving, putting my hands on my jeans pocket and started walking home. It will probably take me at least half an hour to get home, considering that it's really late and there aren't probably any buses running at this time. Besides, it might give a time to think about all the things the happened today and the things that will happen in the future.
When I got home, the house was dark except for the light from streets lamps outside. Maybe Key decided not to wait for me and went to sleep. I took off my shoes and walked towards my room, noticing that the door was slightly open when I clearly remember that I closed it when I left. I walked inside and saw Key sitting on my bed, holding the book I was trying to read a couple of days ago. "Did you break up with her?" he asked immediately, putting the book down on the bedside table and looked at me.
"Yeah, I did," I replied, heading towards my closer to take some clothes to change. I took out a pair of sweatpants and an old shirt.
"What happened then? How come you just got home?" He stood up and followed me when I walked out towards the bathroom since I couldn't change inside my own room when he's there.
"She cried of course, but she took it better than I thought. We decided to stay friends at least and that's it," I left a small gap on the door so we can hear each other.
"Did you tell her about us?" He said it way too low but I was able to hear it.
"I didn't have to. She figured it out on her own because apparently she already knows about you even before everything got ed up between all of us. I just had to tell her my side of the story to make everything clear." I stepped out of the bathroom and headed back to my room with Key still following me. I dumped my dirty clothes into the hamper and sat down on the bed.
"Does she hate me then?" I turned to look at him and saw for the first time since I got home the way his face looked. It was mixed expression, somewhere between sadness and concern, maybe a little bit agitated with his left arm resting against his chest while his right hand was on his lips, biting his fingers.
"No, she doesn't hate anyone. But do you know what she told me that made me surprised?" I asked and he shook his head, "She said she felt bad when we started dating because she had a feeling that you like me. I never knew that she was actually thinking about you before we started going out. I mean, she's the one who confessed to me first and I agreed but I'd never thought that she knew what you felt about me before I did."
"She did?" he asked in surprise, his eyes slightly wide.
"Oh," I nodded, "I should give her more credit for being so understanding."
There was silence between us and suddenly Key started crying in front of me, his arms limply hanging at his side with his head hung low. His eyes were closed tightly as tears continued flowing out from their sockets. "Why is she being so nice after all that happened? She probably didn't even screamed at you or hit you, did she? She was thinking about me all this time when I'm only thinking about making myself happy. What kind of friend am I?!"
He stomped his foot a couple of times and hit himself on the head but before he could even hurt himself further, I grabbed both his hands that I didn't notice had turned into fists and held them firmly against my chest. "Stop hitting yourself, will you? If you want to hit something then hit me because you're right, she didn't scream at me nor did she hit me. So now I'm letting you do all that to me. Hit me as hard as you can and scream at me as loud as you can," I challenged him.
He opened his eyes and looked at me, the moisture from his crying leaving stains on his face. "I can't do that to you, hyung. I can hate you, I can be mad at you, but I could never hit you." He shook his head furiously, taking his hands from my grasp and distanced himself from me. "I already caused pain to Gwiboon and I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, Onew hyung."
"But you're hurting me, Key," I said immediately. "Can't you see that? You don't want to hurt anyone but do see what you're doing to me?"
I walked towards him as he backed away from me, the distance between us got smaller until he was against the wall and I was cornering him. I put both of my hands on either side of his head, levelling my eyes and looked at him straight. He was trying to avoid my gaze, moving his eyes everywhere and I knew he was getting uncomfortable with our position. I cupped his face in my hands, making him look at me and pressed our foreheads together. "Why are you hurting yourself like this, Key? You deserve to be happy so why are you doing this?"
My eyes closed and let head fall down to his shoulders, my hands moving down to his waist and hugged him. I didn't realize that I was crying, too, as when I opened my eyes I saw droplets fall from my eyes and down to his shirt. Then I felt his hands on my neck and slowly up to my face as he lifted it and kissed me. As soon as the shock came to me it was already gone as I kissed him back and carried him to my bed. We fumbled for each other's clothes trying to get rid of them as fast as we could. When every single piece of our clothing was gone, the moment seemed to have gone by without us realizing as made love again and again.
Key and I were laying side by side, our lips moulding against each other. He was propped up on his elbows as he faced me while I was lying on my back, my right arm under him as support while my left hand caresses his face as we continued to kiss. Everything felt incredible, his hand creating a soothing motion on my chest and stomach while my right hand started moving on his back. Things were getting heated, but then a sound broke the moment when I realized it was all a dream and Key's phone started ringing. Why in the world would he set his phone in alarm?
"Key~" I shook him slightly, trying to wake him up. I moved a little bit from the noise and covered my head with the pillow under me.
"Ugh!" I forced my eyes to open a little bit and saw Key slam his hand on his phone and it stopped ringing.
"Finally," I said, removing the pillow and threw it away from me as I snuggled back to Key, my hand meeting flesh and it sure made my day remembering what happened last night.
I planted light kisses on his shoulders, his neck and his back. Thanks to that damn phone my sleep no longer seemed to be keeping me from seeing this beautiful creature in front of me because I was wide awake.
"Onew hyung, not now. I want to go back to sleep," he whined, stopping my hand from getting any lower.
"Then go to sleep, who's stopping you?" I chuckled, my hand resting on his stomach tracing circles with my fingers.
"Your hand is, that's who. Besides I'm still sore from last night, okay? How many times did we do it last night anyway?" he asked, letting out a sigh when my hand moved to his hips.
I can tell that he wasn't sleep anymore as he rolled over and faced me, snuggling to me. "I don't know. I lost count. I was too busy pounding into you to remember counting." I laughed and I heard him scoff.
"I am so going to kill you if I can't walk properly when I get up," he mumbled slightly punching me on the stomach.
"You can do whatever you want to me, Key, as long as you use your mouth and hands," I teased and he pushed me away, grunting in irritation as he rolled over again and faced the other side, grabbing the blankets to cover himself from me.
"Oh, come on, Key. You know you like it, hm?" I kept teasing him as I went under the blanket with him, the room filling with the sound of screams and laughter. I just hope that this moment will last.
Jonghyun knew that it was too early to call Key, but he already broke his promise when he said he would call as soon as he arrived. But the promise slipped from his mind when things got busy at his parents' house that he was only able to call after days. He woke up early that day and stayed in bed as Key's phone kept ringing and as he was about hang up, Key picked up.
"Hello? Key?" Jonghyun called but no one answered.
"Finally," he heard someone say faintly. Huh, that's not Key. Who was it? Jonghyun asked himself. He felt confused so he looked back at his phone to see if called the right person. When he saw Key's face on the screen, he put his phone back to his ear and waited.
"Onew hyung, not now. I want to go back to sleep."
Onew? He's back? And he's with Key? Jonghyun was starting to feel troubled knowing that the older was back and is with his boyfriend while he was away.
"Then go to sleep, who's stopping you?" When he heard the chuckle, he realized that it really was Onew, that deep bass of his laugh was easily recognizable. Does Key know that he answered the phone and that it was me calling? The longer he listened the faster his heart started beating as his brain filled thoughts of Key being with Onew. He was starting to wait for what he fears the most and then it came.
"Your hand is that's who. Besides I'm still sore from last night, okay? How many times did we do it last night anyway?" he heard Key asked and his heart clenched from the pain.
He can't believe that it did happen between them. His boyfriend sleeping with someone else and what's more, someone who his boyfriend is in love with who's in a relationship with his ex-girlfriend. He'd never thought that it would happen while he was gone for a while. He knew he should stop listening, but he was frozen in place, his hand numb as he held his phone closely to his ear.
"I don't know. I lost count. I was too busy pounding into you to remember counting."
"I am so going to kill you if I can't walk properly when I get up."
"You can do whatever you want to me, Key, as long as you use your mouth and hands."
"Oh, come on, Key. You know you like it, hm?"
Jonghyun finally decided to stop listening as he threw his phone on the wall, watching as the device crashed into pieces before falling onto the floor. He felt wetness falling down on his face and hands, anger and betrayal building up inside of him. His hands clenched to fist as they clutched the blanket underneath him as hard as they can and his knuckles turning white. He screamed again and again, letting out the pain that was brought to his heart. He thought he had a shot with Key, he thought he had a chance to make him happy. But it was all just a lie, a lie he created and made himself believe. And because of that lie, he was in pain and no one would be there to help him ease it away.
A/N:
i felt like crying with Jonghyun... what about you guys...
this is just... sigh...
so, things are even more complicated that before... what is Key going to do next??
wait for my next update, which will probably be a month from now.. maybe a few days late but that's the maximum...
(if youre reading my other fics then you'll see that i update all my fics once a month)
comment and/or subscribe!!!
silent readers... do whatever you want...
- immaLocket029
Comments