Chapter 14
Complicated LoveA/N:
ohmigoodness... just wanted to make an update because i don't think i will be able to for the couple of weeks because my exams are coming up... T ^ T
but after june i'm out school and i'm out of high school so i have a lot of time to make updates for you guys!! HOLLA!!!
so here's another chappie from me... (some might like it, some might not)
- immaLocket029
KEY
I decided to stay at Jonghyun's house for the rest of the week, borrowing some of his clothes because I was too scared to go home and face Onew hyung when I told him that I haven't broken up with Jonghyun yet. It sounds ridiculous actually, being conflicted between two guys that mean so much to me. I don't want to lose both of them but it seems like the longer I keep this up, this indecisiveness that I just couldn't stop. Sooner or later I will lose either one of them. Just thinking about it happening in reality scares me so much and I may be selfish, but I want them to be with me.
I know it's impossible to be with two people at the same time, to feel attraction to both and choose one when you felt like your heart and mind are owned by two different people. My heart belongs to Onew hyung but I couldn't stop thinking about Jonghyun. Looking back so many weeks ago, no one was there for me when I was hurting. No one really cares about how I feel and then right now two guys were fighting over me
"Hey," I turned around to see Jonghyun walking towards me with a smile on his face. It actually makes me happy to see him smiling all the time after I chose him over Onew hyung.
Honestly speaking, living with Jonghyun for a couple of days felt comfortable and cozy. There were times where both of us would feel tension between each other but other than that everything was going smoothly. I received calls from Onew hyung multiple times after sending him a brief message about how I'll be staying at Jonghyun's house. The first reply I got from him, he was absolutely mad about it. I didn't give any reply though, because I knew he would be telling me to come home and just be with him.
"He gets to be with you during the days, Key. At least let us be together during the nights. Please."
Those were his exact words the last time he texted me. I can both imagine and hear him say those words to me, pleading that I stay. Jonghyun in the day, Onew hyung at night, is that how it's supposed to be for me? Be divided into two halves just so each of them can get a piece of me?
I was brought out of my reverie when I felt my body enclosed in an embrace, Jonghyun's musky scent reaching my nose and I feel so at home whenever I smell him. It's kind of weird actually, finding myself getting so used to being around him most of the time and seeing him wherever I look. I thought I would feel a little bit uncomfortable living with him for a couple of days, but it turns out to be quite comfortable and different than I what I expected it to be.
Neither of us brought up anything about Onew hyung, and whenever there was something that would lead us to that topic we would stop talking and just let it slide. Jonghyun was obviously trying his best not to reach the boundary I set between us, which the same goes for me with his. He respects my privacy and he knows when things are getting too far. He knows when to stop and he knows how to make things right when he made mistakes. I've seen sides of him I've never seen before and I was thankful that he's showing an effort in our renewed relationship.
"Do you want to go somewhere?" I heard him ask.
Just like before, even when we were still pretending, Jonghyun would take me out and bring me to different places. I felt like he's spoiling me again, and even though I kept telling him he doesn't have to take me out on dates he just doesn't listen.
"Do you have anything to mind?" I asked him back. He nodded and took my hand to get ready for our date.
Half an hour later, we were both dressed and ready to go out. Good thing that the weather outside was nice, not too sunny but not too cloudy, my perfect kind of day. Jonghyun told me that we were going to the beach, with the reason that it's going to be our last chance because summer is almost ending. I agreed with him considering I haven't been there in so long and I think getting some fresh air is what I needed after going through so much with my love life.
We packed up a couple of things for our little getaway - lunch, snacks, towels, etc. mostly things necessary for an outing at the beach. Jonghyun seemed really excited about this trip, and it just makes me smile that he's been happier compared to when he came back from visiting his mother. The past few days, I couldn't help but think over what I've been doing not just to myself but also to Jonghyun and Onew hyung. I know I was hurting both of them with what I'm doing, but I just don't know what to do to fix all of this without losing either of them.
Jonghyun's been doing so much for me and I can honestly feel how much he loves me. He kept doing things that would make me happy, things that he knew would make me smile. Even after that huge fight we had after he came back he became a different person in a good way. What I did with Onew hyung was too much I admit, and I regret it because it wasn't right. Even if I say that I did that because I love him, it was still not acceptable.
The next day of my stay at his house, I could tell he was still mad at me. It was kind of difficult approaching him even after I told him that I wanted to be with him instead of Onew hyung, seeing how his eyes would sometimes show me pain in them. In order to show him how really wanted to be with him, I just ignored every calls and texts from Onew hyung and basically stopped using my phone and turned it off. I haven't turned it on again yet, and I'm kind of scared what I will see the moment I use it again.
On our way down to the parking lot I never expected to see a familiar face waiting for us. He was there inside his car looking at our direction, his expression of pure hatred and anger. Our eyes locked and his expression turned to pleading. Even from meters away I can clearly see his face, and even though I haven't seen Onew hyung for days, for some reason, I don't feel like I've missed him. There wasn't that urge to drop everything I was holding and run to him, hug him and stay by his side. Instead, I kept walking beside Jonghyun while holding his hand with our fingers laced and never let my gaze move from his.
Jonghyun didn't notice him even if there were only a couple of cars down from where his car was and I was thankful he didn't. We walked up to his car, opened up the trunk and put the small cooler away and placed the other things at the back seat. I got to my seat first at the front and after a minute Jonghyun came in. He didn't start the car immediately and it confused me a little. I thought he was just checking something but instead he was looking at the side view mirror beside him, his expression almost unreadable.
"Why is he here?" he asked his voice low and controlled. I tried to follow where he was looking and it landed on Onew hyung.
He was out of his car, leaning against it while he was looking at our direction. I looked at Jonghyun again and noticed he was gripping the stirring wheel, his expression turned serious and angry. I placed my hand on top of his, taking them into mine. "Let's just go, Jonghyun. Don't bother with him, please," I told him holding his hand tighter in one hand while my other went up to his face trying to divert his gaze from Onew hyung. I managed to get him to look at me straight in the eyes, cradling his face gently, "Don't worry about him, okay? I'm not going anywhere because I'm staying here with you."
"When was the last time you talked to him?" he asked, his eyes searching for something in mine. I knew he was still feeling upset about this whole thing between the three of us, and the only thing I can do is assure him that I want to be with him.
"More or less than a week ago, before we had that fight it was the last time I talked to him. I haven't my phone yet and I don't think I want to," I told him honestly.
It was true though, I don't think I want to use it again just in case Onew hyung tries to call or text me again. It was hard trying to avoid someone you love, someone you've been in love with for years while you knew that deep down you wanted to be with that person so much. But I'm not going to let myself give in. I suffered because of him, endured pain and sadness and now I want him to feel the same thing. I want him to feel everything I felt before he realize his feelings for me, I want him to realize what I've gone through wasn't easy for me.
"Jonghyun, you have to trust me about my decision, okay? Don't worry about him."
He closed his eyes and breathed a couple of times every exhale of his breath seemed to help him control his anger. Just before he opened his eyes, I quickly leaned in and gave him a kiss. I made sure that Onew hyung can see it even from the distance, through the small space between the seats and through the windows. I stayed still with my lips pressed against his tilting my head a little bit and I felt him respond. For some reason, I don't feel sorry for doing it in front of Onew hyung.
Why should I? I wasn't doing anything wrong at all. Jonghyun's my boyfriend here not him. Onew hyung and I were never in a relationship - a brief affair sure, but that was it and I actually regretted doing it. Jonghyun said he already forgave me, but the guilt was still so strong that I was starting to hate myself for letting it happen in the first place. Maybe I was too caught off guard by Onew hyung's advances that day, my weaknesses used against me that I lost. But I'm not going to let it happen again.
We broke the kiss and Jonghyun started the car, his free hand still holding mine. I turned to look back to where Onew hyung was and saw his car leave. On the way to the beach, neither of us said a word. Jonghyun was holding my hand almost the whole time, only letting me go when he had to change gears and then holding me again. It felt a little uncomfortable at first because of the silence, but when I look at him and he would look back with a smile, it kind of relieves me that he was making an effort just as he promised to me.
We arrived at the beach and I was thankful that there weren't that many people. He unpacked our stuff and found a perfect spot where we laid down our towels and other things. There was enough sunlight to brighten the sea in front of us, the light blue clear waters glistening from the sun, and the delicious smell of the salty ocean air.
I was stretching myself a little from being seated the whole ride, feeling my somewhat stiff muscles untangle the knots. It felt good to be out like this, fresh air and beautiful scenery equals the perfect relaxation. I turned around to find Jonghyun already lying down on his back under the beach umbrella he planted on the sand beside where our laid out towels are. His shirt was already gone, his shades covering his eyes and his hands resting by his side.
My eyes landed on his torso - taut and glistening with sunscreen even under the shade. I've seen him before, but it was the first time I was looking at him carefully. Not wanting to get caught checking him out, I decided to lie down next to him and wore my oversized shades, closing my eyes and just let everything drone out. I can feel his presence beside me, our arms brushing against each other once in a while, and then I felt his fingers tracing my palm. It felt ticklish so I stopped him, holding his hand and just let it like that.
"I wish we could do this all the time," he said suddenly. I didn't open my eyes, but I can tell he was smiling.
"Yeah," I replied, "It felt so nice - the calmness, peacefulness, and the sound of the waves is just so relaxing." Each time the waves would come ashore, I feel as if my problems were being washed away. One by one, they would leave my mind, everything that has been happening to me for the past few days slowly leaving me.
"Key," he called softly and I hummed in response, "Do you want to move in with me?"
It shocked me a little, just a little, but I was kind of expecting that he would ask me that. We're together as a couple, but technically I still live with Onew hyung and I knew he doesn't like that because of what happened. I haven't been home for the last couple of days, and I can't keep borrowing Jonghyun's clothes the whole time. But knowing myself - my confusion between the two of them and my indecisiveness - if I go home and face Onew hyung, I might not be able to leave the house and come back to Jonghyun.
"Do you want me to move on with you?" I asked him back, feeling slightly stupid for doing that.
"Yeah, I want you to. I don't want you living with him anymore, Key. Not when I know everything that happened between the two of you."
Mixed emotions flooded me - frustration, irritation, guilt, but most probably sorry - after hearing what he just said. Even before it was probably hard for him to know that I live in the same house as Onew hyung - before hyung realized his feelings for me, before all these problems arise, and maybe even while it was just pretending between the two of us because he knows how much I was hurting deep inside.
I was frustrated and irritated because he had to bring up this topic again. We talked about it over and over again before. I told him that he doesn't have to worry about anything anymore. I knew he was still feeling slightly insecure because of my true feelings, about my decisions of choosing him over Onew hyung and being with him. But he needs to keep in mind that this is what I want for myself, that I wanted to be with him and not with Onew hyung, and that I wanted to give us a chance.
I feel guilty because I've been hurting him ever since he confessed his feelings for me. I haven't been able to do something for him, something to show that I appreciate everything he's done for me until now. All I've done is selfishly hurt him and only thought about my own problems and my own pain, not realizing that it's not just me who's suffering and crying. This moving in thing is probably the least I could for him, and maybe it can also help both of us to strengthen this relationship between us.
Heaving myself up, I rolled onto my side and faced him, letting go of his hand temporarily to support myself and my other hand held him again. He turned his head to look at me even with his glasses on, but he didn't say anything. I just looked back at him and found myself inching closer until I was inches away from him. Through the dark lenses of his glasses, I can sense his gaze towards me. It felt intense in a kind of way that pulls you towards the person looking at you. It kind of did, I guess, when I felt something soft against my lips.
It was just my face at first that I felt getting pulled, and then my body came next I slowly got on top of him. There was nothing inappropriate about it, just kissing. Does displaying such affection in public considered to be inappropriate? No right? Lying on top of him, my legs on either side of him as he held me by the hips, we don't seem to care at all who sees us like this although I can feel gazes behind me.
"So are you moving in with me or not?" he murmured after we stopped for a little while to catch our breath. I can feel his fingers creating circles on my thighs as I stayed sitting just above his hips.
I thought about it but I already made my decision after he asked me the first time. So giving him my answer, I leaned again and gave him a chaste kiss, "Does that answer our question?" I asked him, leaving only a small space between our faces that our noses were still touching and I could feel every exhale of his breath hitting me.
But I couldn't see his eyes because of his glasses, so I took them off and did the same thing with mine. Now that I could those big brown eyes looking back at me, I can clearly see the sincerity behind them. Our faces were so close to each other that I could even see my reflection on them. This was probably how it feels like to be with someone who loves you so much, someone that treats you like you're everything they have in life because they didn't want to lose you.
The gentle sea breeze blew over us, and even though I was still wearing my shirt it made me shiver. He smiled when he felt my body shake from the breeze, putting his arms around me hugged me close to him. I let my head rest on his chest my ear pressed against him and heard the steady thumping of his heart. Faint vibrations started to reach my ears, and I realized he was humming. It felt comforting and everything just felt right to me.
"Do you want to make sand castles?" I heard him ask. I looked up to see him smiling at me and I immediately agreed.
We got up and walked towards near the shore to start. It's been so long since I had a chance to create sand castles and I was pretty excited to do it again. I wasn't exactly good at it but it was fun making them. The feel of powdery sand slipping fingers, moulding them into towers and making them damp enough to stick together to take shape. It's also a way to relieve stress for me, the way it feels when squeezing them in my hand.
Minutes later, I found myself having fun and so was Jonghyun. We were laughing as he tried to make his tower stand up firmly without toppling over, the unusual shape at the very top looking deformed from its supposed to be pointed look. I accidentally hit his other tower with my foot, and being the playful jerk he was, he "accidentally" tripped over my castle and squashed it. For the next hour we were rebuilding our castles that we both destroy before they could even take shape, creating such a mess around us with lumps of sand everywhere. Even our bodies were covered in sand from our small wrestling match.
We laid out on the sand panting from our wrestling match, feeling the cool ocean waters touch our feet every time it would come ashore. It felt nice feeling the cold touch our heated bodies, cooling us down after being under the moderate heat of the sun. I turned to look at him, seeing how his sweaty body shimmers from the sun, the glittery beach sand adding extra effect. To me it seems like he was doing some kind of photo-shoot at the beach, his pose and posture very model-like.
"Key," he called.
"What?"
"Do you know why I brought here?" He opened his eyes and looked at me, and even though his gaze seemed adoring and soft, there was something else that I couldn't quite point out. I shook my head as "No" to his question, and he continued, "Remember that time back in our senior year when we all decided to go to the beach?" he prompted.
I nodded, "Yeah, I remember that. What about it?"
"I saw a picture of the two of us few days ago, back at my parents' house, after I heard you and Onew hyung on the phone. I was heartbroken, and I was just looking at our pictures when I found this," he reached the pocket of his shorts and held out a picture and handed it to me.
It was a picture of the two of us and I immediately knew what we were doing. Just like right now, on the picture we were doing sand castles and the present pretty much looked like it. I examined it carefully, my fingers tracing our faces on the glossy sheet.
"You know what I noticed about this picture, Key?" he asked once again, and again I shook my head. "That time when that picture was taken, I was in love with Gwiboon. I always show that clearly to everyone. But looking carefully at that picture you're holding, I noticed that maybe I was and have always been in love with you."
I was shocked to hear that from him raising my gaze and saw he was looking at me with a serious expression. I tried to search in his eyes that he was joking, that he was just trying to make laugh. I thought he would faze with me scrutinizing him, and I realized he really was serious with what he just told me. "What?" I asked dumbly, still shocked. I tried to say something else but it was the only word I could manage to get out.
"I always notice that whenever I look at Gwiboon before, there was that special gaze that show in my eyes and it only shows when I look at her. But with you, seeing our pictures together, ones were I was looking at you, that special gaze was clear in my eyes and they were all directed towards you and no one else, Key."
I decided to stay at Jonghyun's house for the rest of the week, borrowing some of his clothes because I was too scared to go home and face Onew hyung when I told him that I haven't broken up with Jonghyun yet. It sounds ridiculous actually, being conflicted between two guys that mean so much to me. I don't want to lose both of them but it seems like the longer I keep this up, this indecisiveness that I just couldn't stop. Sooner or later I will lose either one of them. Just thinking about it happening in reality scares me so much and I may be selfish, but I want them to be with me.
I know it's impossible to be with two people at the same time, to feel attraction to both and choose one when you felt like your heart and mind are owned by two different people. My heart belongs to Onew hyung but I couldn't stop thinking about Jonghyun. Looking back so many weeks ago, no one was there for me when I was hurting. No one really cares about how I feel and then right now two guys were fighting over me
"Hey," I turned around to see Jonghyun walking towards me with a smile on his face. It actually makes me happy to see him smiling all the time after I chose him over Onew hyung.
Honestly speaking, living with Jonghyun for a couple of days felt comfortable and cozy. There were times where both of us would feel tension between each other but other than that everything was going smoothly. I received calls from Onew hyung multiple times after sending him a brief message about how I'll be staying at Jonghyun's house. The first reply I got from him, he was absolutely mad about it. I didn't give any reply though, because I knew he would be telling me to come home and just be with him.
"He gets to be with you during the days, Key. At least let us be together during the nights. Please."
Those were his exact words the last time he texted me. I can both imagine and hear him say those words to me, pleading that I stay. Jonghyun in the day, Onew hyung at night, is that how it's supposed to be for me? Be divided into two halves just so each of them can get a piece of me?
I was brought out of my reverie when I felt my body enclosed in an embrace, Jonghyun's musky scent reaching my nose and I feel so at home whenever I smell him. It's kind of weird actually, finding myself getting so used to being around him most of the time and seeing him wherever I look. I thought I would feel a little bit uncomfortable living with him for a couple of days, but it turns out to be quite comfortable and different than I what I expected it to be.
Neither of us brought up anything about Onew hyung, and whenever there was something that would lead us to that topic we would stop talking and just let it slide. Jonghyun was obviously trying his best not to reach the boundary I set between us, which the same goes for me with his. He respects my privacy and he knows when things are getting too far. He knows when to stop and he knows how to make things right when he made mistakes. I've seen sides of him I've never seen before and I was thankful that he's showing an effort in our renewed relationship.
"Do you want to go somewhere?" I heard him ask.
Just like before, even when we were still pretending, Jonghyun would take me out and bring me to different places. I felt like he's spoiling me again, and even though I kept telling him he doesn't have to take me out on dates he just doesn't listen.
"Do you have anything to mind?" I asked him back. He nodded and took my hand to get ready for our date.
Half an hour later, we were both dressed and ready to go out. Good thing that the weather outside was nice, not too sunny but not too cloudy, my perfect kind of day. Jonghyun told me that we were going to the beach, with the reason that it's going to be our last chance because summer is almost ending. I agreed with him considering I haven't been there in so long and I think getting some fresh air is what I needed after going through so much with my love life.
We packed up a couple of things for our little getaway - lunch, snacks, towels, etc. mostly things necessary for an outing at the beach. Jonghyun seemed really excited about this trip, and it just makes me smile that he's been happier compared to when he came back from visiting his mother. The past few days, I couldn't help but think over what I've been doing not just to myself but also to Jonghyun and Onew hyung. I know I was hurting both of them with what I'm doing, but I just don't know what to do to fix all of this without losing either of them.
Jonghyun's been doing so much for me and I can honestly feel how much he loves me. He kept doing things that would make me happy, things that he knew would make me smile. Even after that huge fight we had after he came back he became a different person in a good way. What I did with Onew hyung was too much I admit, and I regret it because it wasn't right. Even if I say that I did that because I love him, it was still not acceptable.
The next day of my stay at his house, I could tell he was still mad at me. It was kind of difficult approaching him even after I told him that I wanted to be with him instead of Onew hyung, seeing how his eyes would sometimes show me pain in them. In order to show him how really wanted to be with him, I just ignored every calls and texts from Onew hyung and basically stopped using my phone and turned it off. I haven't turned it on again yet, and I'm kind of scared what I will see the moment I use it again.
On our way down to the parking lot I never expected to see a familiar face waiting for us. He was there inside his car looking at our direction, his expression of pure hatred and anger. Our eyes locked and his expression turned to pleading. Even from meters away I can clearly see his face, and even though I haven't seen Onew hyung for days, for some reason, I don't feel like I've missed him. There wasn't that urge to drop everything I was holding and run to him, hug him and stay by his side. Instead, I kept walking beside Jonghyun while holding his hand with our fingers laced and never let my gaze move from his.
Jonghyun didn't notice him even if there were only a couple of cars down from where his car was and I was thankful he didn't. We walked up to his car, opened up the trunk and put the small cooler away and placed the other things at the back seat. I got to my seat first at the front and after a minute Jonghyun came in. He didn't start the car immediately and it confused me a little. I thought he was just checking something but instead he was looking at the side view mirror beside him, his expression almost unreadable.
"Why is he here?" he asked his voice low and controlled. I tried to follow where he was looking and it landed on Onew hyung.
He was out of his car, leaning against it while he was looking at our direction. I looked at Jonghyun again and noticed he was gripping the stirring wheel, his expression turned serious and angry. I placed my hand on top of his, taking them into mine. "Let's just go, Jonghyun. Don't bother with him, please," I told him holding his hand tighter in one hand while my other went up to his face trying to divert his gaze from Onew hyung. I managed to get him to look at me straight in the eyes, cradling his face gently, "Don't worry about him, okay? I'm not going anywhere because I'm staying here with you."
"When was the last time you talked to him?" he asked, his eyes searching for something in mine. I knew he was still feeling upset about this whole thing between the three of us, and the only thing I can do is assure him that I want to be with him.
"More or less than a week ago, before we had that fight it was the last time I talked to him. I haven't my phone yet and I don't think I want to," I told him honestly.
It was true though, I don't think I want to use it again just in case Onew hyung tries to call or text me again. It was hard trying to avoid someone you love, someone you've been in love with for years while you knew that deep down you wanted to be with that person so much. But I'm not going to let myself give in. I suffered because of him, endured pain and sadness and now I want him to feel the same thing. I want him to feel everything I felt before he realize his feelings for me, I want him to realize what I've gone through wasn't easy for me.
"Jonghyun, you have to trust me about my decision, okay? Don't worry about him."
He closed his eyes and breathed a couple of times every exhale of his breath seemed to help him control his anger. Just before he opened his eyes, I quickly leaned in and gave him a kiss. I made sure that Onew hyung can see it even from the distance, through the small space between the seats and through the windows. I stayed still with my lips pressed against his tilting my head a little bit and I felt him respond. For some reason, I don't feel sorry for doing it in front of Onew hyung.
Why should I? I wasn't doing anything wrong at all. Jonghyun's my boyfriend here not him. Onew hyung and I were never in a relationship - a brief affair sure, but that was it and I actually regretted doing it. Jonghyun said he already forgave me, but the guilt was still so strong that I was starting to hate myself for letting it happen in the first place. Maybe I was too caught off guard by Onew hyung's advances that day, my weaknesses used against me that I lost. But I'm not going to let it happen again.
We broke the kiss and Jonghyun started the car, his free hand still holding mine. I turned to look back to where Onew hyung was and saw his car leave. On the way to the beach, neither of us said a word. Jonghyun was holding my hand almost the whole time, only letting me go when he had to change gears and then holding me again. It felt a little uncomfortable at first because of the silence, but when I look at him and he would look back with a smile, it kind of relieves me that he was making an effort just as he promised to me.
We arrived at the beach and I was thankful that there weren't that many people. He unpacked our stuff and found a perfect spot where we laid down our towels and other things. There was enough sunlight to brighten the sea in front of us, the light blue clear waters glistening from the sun, and the delicious smell of the salty ocean air.
I was stretching myself a little from being seated the whole ride, feeling my somewhat stiff muscles untangle the knots. It felt good to be out like this, fresh air and beautiful scenery equals the perfect relaxation. I turned around to find Jonghyun already lying down on his back under the beach umbrella he planted on the sand beside where our laid out towels are. His shirt was already gone, his shades covering his eyes and his hands resting by his side.
My eyes landed on his torso - taut and glistening with sunscreen even under the shade. I've seen him before, but it was the first time I was looking at him carefully. Not wanting to get caught checking him out, I decided to lie down next to him and wore my oversized shades, closing my eyes and just let everything drone out. I can feel his presence beside me, our arms brushing against each other once in a while, and then I felt his fingers tracing my palm. It felt ticklish so I stopped him, holding his hand and just let it like that.
"I wish we could do this all the time," he said suddenly. I didn't open my eyes, but I can tell he was smiling.
"Yeah," I replied, "It felt so nice - the calmness, peacefulness, and the sound of the waves is just so relaxing." Each time the waves would come ashore, I feel as if my problems were being washed away. One by one, they would leave my mind, everything that has been happening to me for the past few days slowly leaving me.
"Key," he called softly and I hummed in response, "Do you want to move in with me?"
It shocked me a little, just a little, but I was kind of expecting that he would ask me that. We're together as a couple, but technically I still live with Onew hyung and I knew he doesn't like that because of what happened. I haven't been home for the last couple of days, and I can't keep borrowing Jonghyun's clothes the whole time. But knowing myself - my confusion between the two of them and my indecisiveness - if I go home and face Onew hyung, I might not be able to leave the house and come back to Jonghyun.
"Do you want me to move on with you?" I asked him back, feeling slightly stupid for doing that.
"Yeah, I want you to. I don't want you living with him anymore, Key. Not when I know everything that happened between the two of you."
Mixed emotions flooded me - frustration, irritation, guilt, but most probably sorry - after hearing what he just said. Even before it was probably hard for him to know that I live in the same house as Onew hyung - before hyung realized his feelings for me, before all these problems arise, and maybe even while it was just pretending between the two of us because he knows how much I was hurting deep inside.
I was frustrated and irritated because he had to bring up this topic again. We talked about it over and over again before. I told him that he doesn't have to worry about anything anymore. I knew he was still feeling slightly insecure because of my true feelings, about my decisions of choosing him over Onew hyung and being with him. But he needs to keep in mind that this is what I want for myself, that I wanted to be with him and not with Onew hyung, and that I wanted to give us a chance.
I feel guilty because I've been hurting him ever since he confessed his feelings for me. I haven't been able to do something for him, something to show that I appreciate everything he's done for me until now. All I've done is selfishly hurt him and only thought about my own problems and my own pain, not realizing that it's not just me who's suffering and crying. This moving in thing is probably the least I could for him, and maybe it can also help both of us to strengthen this relationship between us.
Heaving myself up, I rolled onto my side and faced him, letting go of his hand temporarily to support myself and my other hand held him again. He turned his head to look at me even with his glasses on, but he didn't say anything. I just looked back at him and found myself inching closer until I was inches away from him. Through the dark lenses of his glasses, I can sense his gaze towards me. It felt intense in a kind of way that pulls you towards the person looking at you. It kind of did, I guess, when I felt something soft against my lips.
It was just my face at first that I felt getting pulled, and then my body came next I slowly got on top of him. There was nothing inappropriate about it, just kissing. Does displaying such affection in public considered to be inappropriate? No right? Lying on top of him, my legs on either side of him as he held me by the hips, we don't seem to care at all who sees us like this although I can feel gazes behind me.
"So are you moving in with me or not?" he murmured after we stopped for a little while to catch our breath. I can feel his fingers creating circles on my thighs as I stayed sitting just above his hips.
I thought about it but I already made my decision after he asked me the first time. So giving him my answer, I leaned again and gave him a chaste kiss, "Does that answer our question?" I asked him, leaving only a small space between our faces that our noses were still touching and I could feel every exhale of his breath hitting me.
But I couldn't see his eyes because of his glasses, so I took them off and did the same thing with mine. Now that I could those big brown eyes looking back at me, I can clearly see the sincerity behind them. Our faces were so close to each other that I could even see my reflection on them. This was probably how it feels like to be with someone who loves you so much, someone that treats you like you're everything they have in life because they didn't want to lose you.
The gentle sea breeze blew over us, and even though I was still wearing my shirt it made me shiver. He smiled when he felt my body shake from the breeze, putting his arms around me hugged me close to him. I let my head rest on his chest my ear pressed against him and heard the steady thumping of his heart. Faint vibrations started to reach my ears, and I realized he was humming. It felt comforting and everything just felt right to me.
"Do you want to make sand castles?" I heard him ask. I looked up to see him smiling at me and I immediately agreed.
We got up and walked towards near the shore to start. It's been so long since I had a chance to create sand castles and I was pretty excited to do it again. I wasn't exactly good at it but it was fun making them. The feel of powdery sand slipping fingers, moulding them into towers and making them damp enough to stick together to take shape. It's also a way to relieve stress for me, the way it feels when squeezing them in my hand.
Minutes later, I found myself having fun and so was Jonghyun. We were laughing as he tried to make his tower stand up firmly without toppling over, the unusual shape at the very top looking deformed from its supposed to be pointed look. I accidentally hit his other tower with my foot, and being the playful jerk he was, he "accidentally" tripped over my castle and squashed it. For the next hour we were rebuilding our castles that we both destroy before they could even take shape, creating such a mess around us with lumps of sand everywhere. Even our bodies were covered in sand from our small wrestling match.
We laid out on the sand panting from our wrestling match, feeling the cool ocean waters touch our feet every time it would come ashore. It felt nice feeling the cold touch our heated bodies, cooling us down after being under the moderate heat of the sun. I turned to look at him, seeing how his sweaty body shimmers from the sun, the glittery beach sand adding extra effect. To me it seems like he was doing some kind of photo-shoot at the beach, his pose and posture very model-like.
"Key," he called.
"What?"
"Do you know why I brought here?" He opened his eyes and looked at me, and even though his gaze seemed adoring and soft, there was something else that I couldn't quite point out. I shook my head as "No" to his question, and he continued, "Remember that time back in our senior year when we all decided to go to the beach?" he prompted.
I nodded, "Yeah, I remember that. What about it?"
"I saw a picture of the two of us few days ago, back at my parents' house, after I heard you and Onew hyung on the phone. I was heartbroken, and I was just looking at our pictures when I found this," he reached the pocket of his shorts and held out a picture and handed it to me.
It was a picture of the two of us and I immediately knew what we were doing. Just like right now, on the picture we were doing sand castles and the present pretty much looked like it. I examined it carefully, my fingers tracing our faces on the glossy sheet.
"You know what I noticed about this picture, Key?" he asked once again, and again I shook my head. "That time when that picture was taken, I was in love with Gwiboon. I always show that clearly to everyone. But looking carefully at that picture you're holding, I noticed that maybe I was and have always been in love with you."
I was shocked to hear that from him raising my gaze and saw he was looking at me with a serious expression. I tried to search in his eyes that he was joking, that he was just trying to make laugh. I thought he would faze with me scrutinizing him, and I realized he really was serious with what he just told me. "What?" I asked dumbly, still shocked. I tried to say something else but it was the only word I could manage to get out.
"I always notice that whenever I look at Gwiboon before, there was that special gaze that show in my eyes and it only shows when I look at her. But with you, seeing our pictures together, ones were I was looking at you, that special gaze was clear in my eyes and they were all directed towards you and no one else, Key."
"Why are you suddenly saying all these?" I felt confused, and yet at the same time, it felt there was something much more behind what Jonghyun told me. I felt as if the meaning behind it all was too great, that in front of me Jonghyun seemed to be looking for the right choice of words to say what he wanted without any mistake.
"Because I want to relive those memories with you, Key, I want to see the memories myself with you, and if I could, I want to relive all of our memories together, you and me, side by side." He took my hand in his, pulling us up to a sitting position face to face and squeezed them lightly.
Right in front of me, this man holding me - my best friend and also my lover - what he did just now and what he confessed to me was probably the most romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me. Jonghyun had done so many other things for me, and I appreciate every single one of it, but this is what really touched me the most. It's like he spoke directly to my heart, using the most delicate words and the lightest feather to tingle and make my heart flutter.
I couldn't say anything at all; every word that I could think would come out in as air from my mouth. I want to say something; I want to tell him something. Gulping a couple of times, I noticed that my throat felt dry, too dry that I couldn’t even swallow properly. And then there was my heartbeat, pulsing quickly against my ribs and chest like a jackhammer. I could only stare at him, my mouth opening and closing like a fish.
I guess he found my expression silly when he cracked a smile and let out a short laugh. I bit my lips to close my mouth, and looked down at my lap instead. I felt his fingers touch my chin and made me look back up at him, and felt his brush his lips against mine. The soft warm feeling made me close my eyes, his hand going to my cheek and cradled it like a fragile object. He broke the kiss but only brought a short distance between us faces as our noses touched and foreheads pressed together. "I love you, Key," he murmured.
This time, I initiated the kiss because my emotions got the best of me. It felt so good to hear those words coming from someone who show and let you feel how much they really love you. The sincerity, the faithfulness, Jonghyun had been showing me all this and I've never felt so loved before in my life. He shows it to me, he tells me and he makes me feel that I'm loved.
We decided to go home earlier than expected, and after days of restraining from doing so we made love that night. I guess I should admit that during the whole time, I wasn't thinking of anything else but him. His touch my skin, his kisses, his whispers as he repeatedly tells me he loves me, and his gaze in the dim light that shows nothing but his love. I found myself wanting more from him, wanting to feel him more, and that night I found myself starting to love him.
It felt like I was returning every single thing back to him, returning his kisses back, and at times I even heard myself murmuring "I love you" back to him. Everything was forgotten during all of it. We lay tangled on his bed, the thin blanket barely covering us and before it fall in a heap on the wooden floor, Jonghyun reached for it and covered us property. Against my palms I could feel how hot skin was, the pulsing of his heart slowly steadying its pace.
We didn't realize that it was already night until we found ourselves in his dark room, the orange glow from lights outside the only source of light. I was lying beside him, almost on top, as I face him. His left arm was under my head and neck as a pillow making me almost lean on his shoulder, his other hand connected with mine.
I don't think I've felt something, incredible, I guess. I can't think of any word enough to describe what I felt. It's like a complete change of heart with me towards him. And honestly speaking, it felt much better being with Jonghyun instead of Onew hyung. I don't feel any guilt. I don't feel anything heavy and anything weighing me down. I felt free.
I felt like I did something right in my life, something that I won't regret ever doing. I guess, I was meant to be with someone else. Not with Onew hyung, but Jonghyun. I just hope that I was right, that in the future there wouldn't be anything that would make me regret being with him.
Right now it feels right to be with him, and even though I used to feel the same with Onew hyung, I want cherish this moment more. I have to forget everything that I had with Onew hyung and completely move on because now I have to start thinking of my future with Jonghyun, our lives together in the future.
I can imagine two of us as a happy couple like Minho and Taemin, living together comfortably, etc. I’ve always wanted that kind of life, where you’re always with the love of your life and nothing seems to be going wrong for the two of you and even if there was, the two of you we’ll be able to get through it because you’re together to face and deal with it. I used to be dream about having that kind of life with Onew hyung, but with the way things turned out between the three of us I don’t think it can happen. If it can, it won’t be that easy.
And right now is an example of it. I was in love with him, Jonghyun fell in love with me, and now that Onew hyung was in love with me I was starting to fall in love with Jonghyun. Everything just became so complicated for the three of us. Instead of finding happiness for ourselves, we’re experiencing pain.
Though honestly speaking, if what I’m doing right now with Jonghyun can make things better for the three of us then I’m happy with it. Onew hyung might get hurt more than I did, but isn’t it for the best? I’m doing what I think is right, what I think is how things should be. And even though I used to think that what’s best is to be true to myself, I think I won’t and I’m not going to regret for making this decision.
A/N:
so... how was it?? jongkey stans must be feeling happy about this chapter, huh??
onkey stans... dont hate me or unsubscribe, okie??
there's still a lot of things to come for the three of them so just wait....
SUBSCRIBE OR COMMENT!!! i want to read your comments... (imagine me threatening you guys... lmao)
- immaLocket029
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