Chapter 15
Complicated LoveA/N:
hey guys!! sorry for the short haitus and now that i managed to write a new update i hope it won't happen again...
the new chap may disappoint some of you but please don't unsubscribe it's the end yet... XD (just saying..)
so, here's chap 15!! enjoy!!
- immaLocket029
KEY
One whole week. I sighed.
No calls, texts, or anything at all. When I finally decided to open my phone I wasn't exactly surprised to find what I think were a hundred missed calls, voicemails, and texts from Onew hyung. I listened to all of his voicemails, and all of them were pleading for me to come back to him. The first ones of his voicemail I could tell he was drunk by the way his words were slurred. The last few ones, I could barely understand what he was saying until there was nothing at all but the sound of his crying.
I didn't tell Jonghyun about it though because it doesn't really concern him and since we agreed that there are things we didn't have to discuss - specifically anything that relate to Onew hyung. We've agreed that we weren't going to talk about him and so far we managed to do it. And then when I read Onew hyung's texts, I felt heart broken. I tried to call his phone once but he wasn't answering. I tried to call him again over and over but instead I was directed to voicemail and after a whole week I heard his voice again.
Jonghyun left early this morning because he and Minho were going to meet up at the gym, and he might get mad at me for my decision but I decided to go out for a bit and go to Onew hyung. I want to know if he's okay but there is a high chance that he isn't with the way he sounded through his calls.
I chose not to tell Jonghyun that I was going to Onew hyung's because I knew that will try to stop me. I turned off my phone and concentrated on driving. My palms started sweaty because of nervousness, and just like that my heart started beating faster. I don't even know what I will do the minute I see him because honestly speaking I haven't thought everything thoroughly.
I want to know what to say when I see him again. I don't want to stand there unable to say anything especially when I see him crying because of me. Hell, I might not even be able to look at him because of what I did to him couple of days ago. I felt ashamed knowing that I purposely did all those to him the past couple of days. Just remembering how he looked that day when we saw him outside of Jonghyun's apartment looking hurt because of what I did. I thought of returning back but then that would make me a coward. I thought I had a lot of time to think more but then someone knocked on my window. I looked up to see a stranger looking down on me with an almost concerned looked on his face.
"Yes?" I asked, half-confused half-dazed. When I looked up again I realized that the cars beside me were all moving except for me.
"Are you alright? You stopped moving and there are other cars behind you. I thought I should check if there's something wrong," he replied.
"Y-yeah, I'm alright," I apologized quickly and started my car again. When I looked at the rear view mirror I saw the line of waiting cars behind me and the angry expressions of the drivers.
Ever since I started going out for real with Jonghyun, then finding out that Onew hyung finally realized his feelings for me, problems kept arising not just for me but also for both of them. I chose to be with Jonghyun not because it is the right thing to do but also because I wanted to. I've had enough waiting for Onew hyung and even when he told me that he loves me, I don't want to risk anything besides me getting hurt again. I started the car once again and prayed silently that Jonghyun will understand what I'm about to do.
Suddenly I felt like I'm doing something so wrong. But why though? What's so bad about visiting someone that I cared - or I guess used to care - for when I know that he might not be doing that well after what happened. And it just doesn't make sense that I'm feeling so nervous. I only wanted to know if he's okay, after that I'll leave that's it. I tried to control my breathing, making sure that my heart was no longer racing like it was just moments ago and got out of the car. It hasn't been that long since I was last here but it sure felt different already. I noticed the broken wall lamp was finally fixed after being ignored for so long by the maintenance - someone probably had had it and reported it to the management - and there's even a carpet placed from the automatic doors towards the elevators.
Every time I pass a floor and the closer I get, the fluttering in my stomach that I only noticed when I stepped inside the elevator kept getting stronger. I felt nervous, I felt anxious, but I also felt that small tinge of happiness inside me. I definitely need to sort out my feelings. It's already chaotic between Jonghyun, me, and Onew hyung and it’s been giving me headaches because I kept worrying about so many things all at once. I kept my eyes locked on the glowing red numbers, each time it changes and brought me closer I tried to practice what I'll say when Onew hyung sees me. I already have a feeling that its going to be one hella awkward moment for us.
The elevator dinged and I got out. The walk towards our apartment isn't that long, but right now it felt like its kilometres away. But somehow it does felt like that until I reached the familiar looking door of our apartment decorated with a white board that has my and Onew hyung's name on it. I still have my keys that I hid in my wallet for safe keeping. The door clicked and I twisted the handle, opening the dark wood door and the moment I set my foot in I knew that my day is going to be much more difficult than I expected it to be before I came.
The strong smell of alcohol filled my nostrils as soon as the door opened, when I walked into living room everything was a mess - empty of cans of beer scattered on the floor and table, clothes lying everywhere and then there's Onew hyung sleeping on the sofa with a knitted quilt as a blanket on him. Even from a couple of feet away I can tell he's been drinking the night before not just because of the smell in the air but with how exhausted he look with the dark shadows under his eyes. I haven't seen him like this in years and I never thought - even though there were times that he might have without me knowing - that I would see him like this again after our senior year in high school when his parents divorced.
I walked closer towards him and tried to avoid the empty cans littering the floor beside the couch from making any sound. He definitely messed up and after living with him for years, I've learned how to clean up after him. It has always been like that even when we started living together, he creates the mess I clean it up. And now I feel like I'm back years ago since I last cleaned up his mess but this time I caused it so it is only right that I clean it up myself. I sat down at the end of the bed where his feet were and shook him awake. "Onew hyung? Hey, wake up."
He groaned and covered his eyes with his arm, mumbling something. He turned his body around and faced the back rest but I kept shaking him awake. He shooed my arm away from his leg and ignored me, and I thought that he knew it was me the reason why he was ignoring me. "Hey, you gotta wake up its already past afternoon." Annoyed, he sat up all too sudden for me that I almost lost my balance.
"What?" He yelled, and then just seconds later groaned, "Argh, what the happened? My head is pounding," His fingers massaged his temples in circles, his eyes tightly closed that his face scrunched up.
"You were drinking last night so obviously you have a massive hangover right now," I told him. He finally looked up and our eyes met, and I almost looked away from him but I controlled myself. For once second he looked shocked to see and then the next there was nothing. I can tell that his headache was bothering him but other than that he was just looking at me plainly. In the end I eventually looked away, the intensity of it breaking the little confidence I have the moment I started the car and made my way here.
"What are you doing here? Why are you here?" He asked, his mind probably finally adjusting from sleep and the bright light when his expression showed how shocked he was after seeing me.
"I live here, too, in case you forgot already. This is also my house."
"Seriously? Are you seriously saying that right now to me? Because as far as I remember Jonghyun sent me a message saying that you two moved in together, meaning this isn't your house anymore." I should've been pissed that Jonghyun did that, but seeing Onew hyung looking at with such hate and anger it disappeared.
"I..." And this is exactly what I feared, not knowing what to say. "I came here because I'm worried about you," I tried to make my voice from shaking and it did, but I hope he didn't notice it.
"Yeah, right." He smirked at me - although pained - before he tried to get up from the couch but in the end sat back again after a wave of vertigo hit him. "You're saying you're worried about me after you ignored and avoided me for days? I've had it, Key, please stop."
"I wasn't ignoring you, okay? I was just..."
"Turning off your phone clearly meant you were avoiding me. Not answering my calls or messages clearly meant you ignored me." He stopped talking for a while and breathed deeply a couple of times. "Not even bothering to give me a chance before you left clearly meant you just don't care."
"So you're going to be like this because I ignored you? You're going to keep drinking and become a drunkard just because I chose him instead of you? Is that it? You're going to live your life like that because of me?"
"It's not just because you chose him, Key. It's because you chose him without even letting me prove you anything. It's me losing a fight without even actually getting a chance to fight. I didn't even get a chance and I just lost."
I wanted to argue with him but I couldn't figure out what to say back because even I knew that it was somehow true. I made my decision without even telling him about it and just left him, ignoring him for a couple of weeks. And it must have angered him more that I came back and couldn't even explain myself properly to him, but I wasn't lying when I told him that I was worried. I stood up and started picking up the empty cans, taking the empty box of pizza lying on the table and put them in a garbage bag. I can feel his eyes following me wherever I go but I tried to focus cleaning the mess he created.
In the kitchen, there were piles of dirty dishes occupying the sink and counters, empty packs of instant noodles and takeouts. I couldn't help but sigh in frustration with what I'm seeing in front of me. I feel upset and disappointed for some reason even though I made him to be like this in the first place and its not right for me to blame someone else. I tried to ignore the fact that I still wasn't able to work things out between us no matter how much I try to explain things to him.
"Can you just go please? I don't need you here," he said.
I already started washing the dishes after throwing the garbage away, and even though he kept telling me to go home I didn't stop. He kept repeating again and again that I've had it, knowing that he will only stop if answer him back. "You don't need me here?" I turned off the faucet and put down the dishes on the side and went back to the living room. "By the looks of this house it definitely meant that you need me here. Why can't you just let me do this? I caused this mess and I want to clean it up."
"Why can't you just leave?" he retorted back and the tone of his voice almost made me flinch. "If you still care for me even just a little bit, you'll leave now and never come back. You can do at least that much, Kibum, just that."
"I'll leave when I'm done," I said, my voice somewhat stern. "I still care that's why I'm here, hyung. I'm worried and sorry and even though I'm not going to change my mind about my decision I still want to be here for you - as a friend. And I know it hurts because honestly I'm hurting as well, but I'm trying to get through it. You're important to me, and I know it may seem too late but I don't want anything to change between us. I want us to be back how we were before, and I know it's hard, but I want to forget."
A pained bitter smile appeared on his lips and as he sighed, I wondered why am I forcing myself to be somewhere I'm clearly not wanted. "I have no idea how you do it, Kibum, say those things so easily like it was nothing. I feel like I got played, you know. I feel like you just played me. It's like you purposely led me on and dumped me when you like felt you've satisfied yourself."
"What?" I asked, perplexed and almost unable to speak with what he just said. "You think I used you? , hyung, do you honestly think of me that way?!" I felt hurt, but more importantly I felt mad that he think I used him.
"Then what if you didn't use me? I confessed to you and you accepted me even when you were still in a relationship with Jonghyun. And then a couple of days later you told that you chose him instead of me like what we did were nothing. You said you were in love with me for years and yet you chose him over me. Now explain it to me how is that not using me, that I shouldn't feel or even think this way."
The way put it almost made me think that it might actually be true. I've told him that I love him and yet I chose to be with someone else instead. I've turned my back to someone I love to be with someone I also care for and possibly starting to love. "I'm going to say this, and I'm not going to say it, hyung. I loved you, I really did. But I never used you. What happened between us, sure it made me feel guilty but I don't regret it. And I'm not going to lie, but even if I still have feelings for you I admit that I think I'm starting to love Jonghyun."
He stared at me, letting me clearly see that pain in his eyes because of what I said. I expected him to get mad or even cry, but for minutes we only stared at each other without saying or doing anything. He's letting me see how hurt he was, and in return I'm letting him see how completely honest I was being when I said those words.
Before, I thought that Onew hyung finally realized his feelings I would be happy. But when it did happen I couldn't even find anything that will make the pain it brought to go away. I only expected Jonghyun to be there for me as friend, and I never thought that he will fall in love with me. And most of all I never thought that I would love someone else other than Onew hyung. I’ve always thought that I would love him from afar, and then someone came along that ended to both of them trying to be right one for me.
"Do you understand what I'm trying to do here? I'm trying to make everything work out for all of us but what you're doing right now is making it difficult. Gwiboon left Jonghyun to be with you, and you want me to leave him to be with you as well? I'm not going to the same thing to him for the second time, hyung. Just let me be with him, please. It's not fair to him that everyone he was taken away by you if I chose to leave him. Please understand that."
"I don't know if I'll be able to," he said.
"It was already too late for us to start to begin with, Onew hyung. As much as we want to, we can't be together."
He sat there without saying anything back, and the tension and awkwardness that was tolerable awhile ago became too much that it felt suffocating. I decided to come here to see how he was and I don't even know in all honesty what I am doing now. I wanted to make amends with him but saying all those things doesn't seem to be doing it. Eventually I went back to the kitchen to finish washing the dishes and as I turn on the faucet I heard the sound of his footsteps.
Initially I thought he was going to the kitchen that I anticipated feeling his presence near me, but when I heard the sound of the door closing I realized that he either went inside his room or the bathroom. Then the sound of the showers going off echoed inside the apartment and I tried to think something else to distract me. In the end nothing worked for me that I stopped. When I finished washing the dishes I remembered seeing empty cartons takeouts and empty pizza boxes and I wondered just how many days has he been eating junk food?
I thought of cooking some food for him but when I opened the fridge there was nothing at all except for cans of beer and bottles of water. Is he planning to survive with beer and water for the rest of his life? I feel annoyed and irritated that he was being like this to himself, but then I already knew the reason why. He still hasn't finished up in the bathroom so I decided to do the groceries. I tried to leave the house as quiet as possible and even though I know that he will realize that I was gone I didn't exactly want him to know when.
I was glad that the store was just below our apartment that I didn't have to go somewhere blocks away. Even without a list I have in my head what I needed to buy, and since I've been making food for the both of us for years, I've memorized everything including what he hated and what he likes to eat. Item after item, I was able to finish the groceries in less than half an hour. When I came back everything was quiet though I couldn't see him anywhere. I went to the kitchen and started taking out what I needed so that I can cook already.
I already forgot how much I miss cooking. Since I've been living with Jonghyun for the past two weeks he was the one who had been cooking for the both of us. Whenever I try to cook, he's always pushing me out of the way although sometimes he only lets me help cut or clean the vegetables but never cook. Cooking like this makes me feel better, adding the fact that I'm using my own utensils and I'm in my own kitchen, I feel like I can move freely. I became so immersed with what doing that I forgot about the time.
By the time I finished cooking it was already almost dusk. I've cooking so much that when I looked at the table it was filled with food. I may have overdone it with the food, but on the bright side he'll have home cooked for at least a couple of months. I placed them in plastic wares and put them in the fridge so they won't spoil. I cleaned up everything I used and threw away the garbage, and when I'm done I went to my room grabbed my duffle bag and started taking out my things from my closet that I left behind.
I didn't notice it until I actually looked, but it seemed as if my bed had been used. The sheets are messy, the pillows are everywhere, and when I grabbed one and smelled it, it definitely had Onew hyung's scent all over it. Has he been sleeping in my bed for the past few days? Different thoughts occurred in my mind but one of made me look under the bed to see that if I was just being paranoid about this whole thing. I reached for the bed skirt and lifted it, then appeared empty cans and more garbage just hiding from me.
Seeing it made me feel mixed emotion but I can definitely tell that frustration is one of it. I want to scream until my throat becomes sore. I want to cry until I have no more tears left. I want to hit something and hit it repeatedly until my hands bleed. But then something keeps stopping me from doing all those things though I have no idea what. Instead I just tried to focus on cleaning the mess he left in my bedroom, setting aside my bag and even though I was starting to become paranoid that I've been away for too long I just couldn't leave things here the way they are.
I've been so focused in cleaning my whole room that once again time has passed by without me realizing it. By the time I finished cleaning my room the sun was already gone, a barely visible hue of orange at the end of the horizon. I threw away the garbage from my room and put away everything I used, once again seeing my old room that I'm starting to miss. I picked up my bag and giving it one last look, I closed the door of my bedroom that contained so many memories - mostly painful ones - which I don't think I will ever forget.
I thought of just leaving without saying anything to Onew hyung, but remembering how I did the same thing to him two weeks ago in the end I walked towards his room. When I opened the door, I saw him lying in his bed with his eyes closed and his earphones on his ears. Even until now I still hesitated whether to come near him, but what's there to hesitate anyway?
"Hey, I know you're not asleep." I shook him once by the leg but he didn't move. In the end, I tugged his earphones off and tried to ignore the fact that he’s acting like a child with the silent treatment as I sat down on his bed. "I made some food for you. It should last for a couple of days so you won't have to cook. And seeing all those trash I just threw away, you haven't been eating properly so it's good that you'll be able to eat home cooked meals again. I reheated the stew I made so why don't you go out and eat, you haven't all day."
"I'm not hungry," he said monotonously.
"Are you still going to be stubborn, hyung?" I asked. For some reason, I feel like we're just fooling with each other. I try to be nice to him and he's acting like jerk to me. “Why can’t you just be civil even for just a minute? I’m tired of you being all prideful and such when I’m being nice to you.”
He didn’t answer back like I expected he would and in the end I just gave up and stood up from his bed as I headed towards the door. I was almost out of room when I remembered something and even though it may make things worse for today, with the way he treated me made think that he deserves to hear it from me. “By the way, if you want to drown yourself in alcohol and become a drunkard for the rest of yourself, keep your trash in your room instead using mine because if that’s you plan to cope – by using my room as your personal dumpsite – then you’re just making yourself look pathetic.”
Saying those words made me feel so many emotions all at once. I feel bad for saying such things to him when everything between us is already on the verge of falling apart and I still said those things to him straightforwardly. On the other hand, I feel relieved as if something heavy was lifted off my shoulders. I feel weird. I feel like laughing. I feel like everything’s just a joke badly delivered. And even though what I came here for obviously failed, I don’t feel downed by it.
Then I came to a realization that I was just being stupid all along. I’ve been so stupid to think that it was worth worrying about him, that I should be stressing myself thinking if he’s alright when all along it was really none of my business. Even when he was still in love with Gwiboon, I shouldn’t have let myself get so affected that I’ve become a hypocrite by consoling him when he’s hurt because of loving someone else who’s in love with another person when I, on the hand, was feeling the same thing two times more painful than what he was feeling.
I feel like as if all those years of waiting for him to love me back had gone to waste just like that. All those nights of crying, the amount of tears I shed, and the countless heartache I felt seeing him cry because of someone else, I feel like I’ve wasted so many chances of finding someone else for me to love instead of waiting like a fool. If only I realized it sooner, by now I wouldn’t even be feeling so stupid after realizing it.
When I arrived back to Jonghyun’s apartment building, I saw him standing by the entrance with his phone in hand. With the way he looked even from the distance, I can already tell that he’s mad. I was still inside the car when he saw me and when he did, I already knew that even after what happened at Onew hyung’s house, there’s still more to come and that my day’s not over yet.
“Where were you?” he asked as soon as I got out of the car.
After my realization, I figured there’s nothing else for me to lose, that I should just be honest with myself that may clear things up. “I went to Onew hyung’s,” I replied simply while staring into his eyes. With just that one simple sentence, I saw how his eyes change. “Why? I thought we already agreed that we’ll cut ties with him and you went to his house?”
“No, we agreed that we won’t talk about him for a while and we didn’t. No one said about cutting ties with him, Jjong.”
"So you went there because 'a while' already passed? You know if you want to see him so badly all you have to do is ask, not like this, Key. You even have your phone off all day, why? Because you didn't want me to know you're with him?"
Just when I thought that there weren't anyone around, I saw a couple of people looking at us and I just couldn't help but feel irritated at them. "What the hell are you looking at?" I snapped. I almost went to them and humiliate myself even more when Jonghyun stopped me.
"Stop it," he said.
The way he said it made feel as if I'm the one who started this, like I'm the one who caused those people to stare at us in the first place. I just took my arm back away from his grasp and made my way towards the building. When I got inside at the same time the elevator came and I immediately went in without waiting for Jonghyun. The elevator doors was about to close when he hand wedged his hands at the last minute, and being alone with him in such small space and situation is probably the last thing I wanted to happen for tonight.
"Why didn't you tell me? You know I wouldn't even be like this if only you told me first hand, instead of me trying to figure out just where in the world you are."
"And you know that even if I ask you're not going to let me. Let's face it, Jonghyun, when it comes to Onew hyung you'll always be against whatever it is. We both know that you'll just try to stop me or even change my mind so I wouldn't go to his house or to talk to him."
"Because I know what happened between you two and it just scares me so much that you might..."
Even without him finishing it, I already knew what he wanted to say. "Might what, cheat on you? Screw him behind your back? Choose him instead of you? Let me guess, all those were right, aren't they?"
"That's not what I meant, Key."
"But you thought about it. You always think about it even when I'm with you because you're scared that one of those three might come true." He was about so say something when the door opened and when I saw that it our floor I walked out and left without waiting for him. I entered the apartment using the spare key Jonghyun gave me and even though it wasn't really my house, somehow I just felt like it is. I heard his footsteps not far from behind me and turned around to face him. "Just answer me this one question, Jonghyun: are you scared because you're insecure or because you don't trust me enough to believe that I'm not going pick him over you? Which one is it?"
He just looked at me for minutes without saying anything, and despite the tension around us, the way his eyes looked at me made me feel that I'm at fault as well. "I'm just scared that I'll get hurt again," he said carefully and I can tell he's choosing his words. "I don't want to feel like I don't deserve to love someone. I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough to love someone or even make them stay with me for as long as time will let us be together."
"You think I don't know that, Jjong? God knows I'm aware of what happened, and I'm going to be honest with you, that was very the reason at first why I wanted to be with you, why I want to continue this relationship. But I realized it's not just that - I really do want to be with you. I mean do you see this? I'm already moving my things here at your house. It means I'm dead serious about the two of us. Besides, I don't think I'll be coming to his house for a while. I think I just ed everything between me and him and I don't think it's a good idea to come anytime soon."
"I'm sorry." Jonghyun took a step closer and grabbed my hand, bringing us closer together. "I guess I'm just, like you scared, insecure about this whole thing. And I guess I don't trust you completely yet after what happened not too long ago. But I promise I'll try not to be insecure or doubt you or whatever. Just stay here with me. I don't want any secrets between us, please? I want to know where you are when we're not together and who you're with because I'm not a psychic. I can't know everything but I want to so I won't have to freak out like this."
I threw my bag onto the couch, not caring whether something broke because I right now I just want to hug this person in front of me. And I did. With my arms around him and his around my waist, I just couldn't help but feel regretful that I hurt him and even betrayed him at some point. A part of me wished that if only I could, I would go back to that where Onew hyung confessed his feelings for me and instead of accepting him, I should've have rejected him even if at that point, I was still in love with him.
I shouldn't have done those mistakes I did, I shouldn't have ruined Jonghyun's trust, and most of all, I shouldn't have let myself get confused with all these when all along, the answer to all of problems was for me to just move on and forget. If only I did those things in the first place, I wouldn't even be feeling resentment towards myself for being stupid. And if only I wasn't being indecisive, I wouldn't have hurt them both as much as I did already.
"All of this is my fault, you know? I should've straightened myself out and cleared my head instead of just doing things so impulsively and letting things end up like this. I'm not going to do anything anymore that will cause us to fight like this, or even better, I'm not going to do anything that will hurt you, especially anything to do with Onew hyung." I pulled away and looked at him straight in the eyes. "And you know what? I think your idea is a great one."
"What idea?" he asked, his confused puppy eyes making me smile.
"I think we should just cut ties with him once and for all. I've actually come to a realization that even though it may seem too late, I don't want to feel responsible for him anymore. I went to his house because I was worried, but then I realized it was really none of my business. After all these years, I've been so stupid as to let myself get affected by him, worry about him, and even think that all of my efforts will be paid off in the end when everything is just going to be like this for us. I mean I already told him that I can't be with him and yet I keep going to him. That doesn't make sense. It only makes me look like a ing hypocrite. And I really don't want anymore bull to happen so I might as well just end everything between us and move on."
By the time I finished talking I was out of breath as small puffs of air kept leaving my mouth. I didn't expect him to say something immediately, but I also didn't expect that moment of silence where you have no idea whether the person you're talking to laughs at your face or give you a sympathetic hug after ranting in front of them in one whole breath.
"Key, you don't have to do it if you don't want to. I'm not going to force into doing something you don't want to do in the first place," he whispered as he held both of my hands in his. The weather outside wasn't that cold and neither inside the house, and yet his skin feels cold again mine.
What he said almost made my brow twitch, a sign that my irritation level is almost at its limit that I had to keep the expression on my face composed. "Really? You're saying that now? Jjong, you're making me look like the bad guy here if you say it like that."
"I'm just saying," he started, but when his gaze met mine he only ended it with a sigh. "Fine, you can do whatever you want. If you want to cut ties with him, or rather, if you want us to ties with him, then I'll respect your decisions."
Just before I could say something, I remembered what Onew hyung told me earlier back at the apartment. "If you still care for me even just a little bit, you'll leave now and never come back." The voice inside my head kept repeating that sentence, making it sound so strange for some reason. Just days before I went to him he was crying and begging me to come back but when I did go he was telling me to leave. "We both want it, I know it. It's not just me. He even told me to never come back if I still care for him, so I'm going to do what he wants me to do. I'm not going back to him anymore - either because I still care or I just don't want to deal with him anymore."
"Do you still care about him?" he asked. I can see in his eyes that he was trying not to let me see what he was really feeling and once again, I’m seeing this sensitive side of him that sometimes makes it difficult for me to be honest. But if I don’t tell him the truth, the longer I kept it from him, the worse it would make him feel when he finds out.
"Yeah," I replied. "I still do, but it has already come to a point where I'm getting sick of it so I'm not going to anymore. I'd rather just forget that I used to be so stupid so as to spend my whole time looking out for him, worrying about him, and all that stupid stuff when I'm the only who cared what happened to him. He doesn't ever care about himself so why should I?”
"And you really want to do this? Do you really want to end everything between the two of you, for us?"
I nodded. And despite the pain the followed it was surprisingly tolerable. I've always thought that moving on would be the hardest things for me to do, and yet seeing Jonghyun in front of me that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. "I'd do anything for us," I told him. "Because there's also another thing I realized."
"What is it?" His hold on my hand tightened and when I grimaced, he immediately let go.
Since my hands were free, I pulled our faces closer and stared into his eyes. Being honest with him definitely made me much more confident about myself and about what I feel. "I realized that you somehow managed to make me have a change of heart. You actually managed to make me fall in love with you even though we've fought so many times when we started dating because I've been, you know, being an indecisive . You wanted our relationship to work and look at what I've done. I've been making you upset but knowing that, even though it sounds weird, it just shows how much you love me. And I guess that's what made me fall in love with you."
Just like that, a smile appeared on his face and as his arms wrapped around me, even though he was squeezing the life out of me, I didn't mind it. His embrace felt nice, and even though I’ve felt his arms around me before feeling it now that I do have feelings for him made it different. I chose Jonghyun when I still couldn’t let go of feelings for Onew hyung, but now that I’ve admitted to myself that I have to let go of it and instead love someone, I didn’t know it would be this good. Actually, it is much better than I imagined it would be.
Jonghyun loves me and I love him back. Maybe not as much as he loves me but I’m certain it will come to a point where my world will revolve around him and he will be the most important person in my life.
A/N:
it's not as long as i hoped it would be because i was planning to cut it into two parts but since it's only a little longer than my usual chapter i decided to make it as a whole update instead...
so by now i guess some of you hate Key because of what happened but there're still more chapter to come so wait for it!!
- immaLocket029
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