Chapter 13
Complicated LoveA/N:
hey guys!! my update is early this time, isn't it?
well, since the drama is starting, ideas just kept coming into my head therefore i just kept writing and writing...
so, here's chap 13... enjoy!!
- immaLocket029
JONGHYUN
After hearing them on the phone, I felt... I felt my heart broke into pieces. In the way I see it, it was like the same way my phone crashed onto the wall when I threw it - I was Key and the phone was my heart. He threw my heart away just like that as soon as Onew hyung came back without him even thinking about it. He doesn't even know that I heard everything they said, about what they did.
I don't even know since when Onew hyung came back and how long they've been doing it behind my back. I don't know how long it has been since I've lost to Onew hyung, how long Key have forgotten about me, and how long it has been since I lost my chance before I even could prove myself. I really thought I had a shot with Key. I really thought I had a chance to be with him. I can't believe that I lost it just like that when I'm not even there beside him.
"Jonghyun-ah," I heard my mom called outside my room.
Good thing I always lock my door before I go to sleep at night, otherwise she would've come in and see me crying after finding out that my boyfriend had been cheating on me with the man he's really in love with in the first place. My mom kept knocking on the door calling my name but I chose to ignore her afraid that I might choke out and tell her everything. I just told her yesterday about my break up with Gwiboon and how Key and I started dating. I can't tell her that Key's cheating on me with Onew hyung, even though I wanted someone to comfort me right now.
Eventually, my mom stopped knocking on my door and I heard her footsteps walking away. As I lie back down on my bed, I cried harder clenching whatever my hand could reach as tight as I can. Tomorrow, I'm going to have to come back. I'm going to have to face Key again. But I don't even know how I will be able to do that without crying or remembering what I heard between him and Onew hyung?
My brain then started forming images of the two of them, looking happy with each other while I just watch them from a far. , life is cruel. Two heart breaks within just a couple of months from the people I really loved. And to think that both of those people were in love with the same guy and here I am being the forgotten third wheel.
I didn't feel like moving at all, my tears had stopped for quite sometime already and I feel like crying more but I think I already ran out of fluids inside my body there's nothing coming out. Instead, I just kept my eyes locked on the wall across from me.
Against that wall was my old study table. On top of it were the books I used to read, the glass jar of paper cranes I folded when I was still in high school - each of them containing everything I wanted to do when I grow up and dreams I wanted to achieve - pictures frames of old memories from high school and university. I studied each picture seeing our faces - Onew hyung, Key, me, Gwiboon, Taemin, and Minho.
All of us had been together for years, experiencing hardships and challenges that we all managed to get through. The first picture was after a year we met Taemin, his baby face and mushroom haircut was probably the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. The next one was a picture of the six of us at the beach, with Minho, me, and Onew hyung buried in the sand all the way up to our necks because we lost the competition we had against Taemin, Key, and Gwiboon - guys versus gals swimming competition.
The next one was a picture of me and Gwiboon. It was actually a stolen picture of us during our time at the beach. We were sitting on the sand with me behind her as she leaned against me, my chin resting on her right shoulder and my arms wrapped around her waist. It was already sunset and the air was getting cold so there was a blanket around us. Her head was turned towards me, our lips almost touching but we were talking that time, both of us have smiles on our faces. Taemin gave me the picture one week after, saying it was a treasure he found and took, so he had to give it to the rightful owner. Even until now, I'm the only one who knows about the picture.
As I continued looking through the pictures, my eyes ended on a picture where Key and I were playing and joking around. Both of us were laughing that our mouths were wide open and Key, being part of his habit, was clutching on my arm as he tried to hide his face from the camera. I remember that before this was taken, a bug flew to Taemin's hair and he and Minho had been trying to get it off. But since Taemin was busy running around and screaming, it almost took them half an hour to get it off, realizing that it was already gone afterwards so the screaming and running was pointless in the end.
Key and I were watching it happen and we couldn't stop laughing. The last one, it was probably my favourite picture of Key and I. It was at the same beach where that picture of me and Gwiboon were taken. Key and I were making - or trying - to make sandcastles. There were just a couple of large bumps of sand between us, our hands trying to form the towers. But, what made me really look at the picture was something that I've never noticed before – the look in my eyes when I was looking at Key.
It was definitely different compared to the way I look at other people, towards my other friends. He was looking at the sand happily, and I was looking at him softly with tenderness and affection as if I was looking at Gwiboon. Has it been that long since I fell in love with him? Do I look at him like that every time? How come I've never noticed it before?
Even though I didn't want to get up, I walked towards my closet and took out the old box where I kept some of my high school and university memories. I looked for every picture I had with Key throwing the ones I don't need. With every picture I found that I needed, I sat down on the floor and moved the scattered pictures aside, carefully setting the ones in my hands on the floor in front of me side by side.
Each picture, I analyzed them all, my eyes scanning them one by one slowly and carefully. I couldn't breathe, as my lungs needed to work overtime to take in more air to circulate through my body. All of them were the same. I don't know why I've never realized it before. All of them showed the similar look with the one on my table - my eyes showing affection and tenderness towards him. It was clear in my eyes every time I look at Key, all of them showed it.
Uncontrollably, I cried even more as I clutched the pictures to myself. What did I even do wrong that this is happening to me? I fell in love only to be hurt by that person. I didn't even mean to fall in love with him it just happened. I'm the one who started the pretend, he went along with it, I got jealous and I fell in love.
I was stupid for even coming up with that idea. I could've just told him that it's okay, that there are other people for him somewhere waiting for him, and comforted him every time he's sad or in pain. But no, I decided to pretend to be his boyfriend, asked him out everyday, fell into a trap I created and now I'm a prisoner.
I was probably way too out of it to notice that the day had come to an end. I was still in my room, on the floor with the pictures on my lap. If someone was to see my right now, they'd probably think that I'm some pathetic guy who cries over heartbreak. I didn't bother coming down to eat anything, I didn't even bother moving from where I am. My mom had been knocking on my door repeatedly but I didn't answer her. I knew she was getting worried about me but I don't want her to see me like this and worry even more.
The next day, I was dreading the time I will see him again. All the way home, I was only staring outside the window while listening to music playing on the radio, trying to forget the pain I was still feeling since yesterday. And as if the heavens are feeling the same way as I do, the raindrops hitting the window in front of me seemed like tears rolling down the surface. I'm tired of crying now, I don't want to let out anymore tears because I was afraid that if I did I wouldn't be able to stop them.
Driving for hours helped me focus a little bit on other things other than Key, but when I finally arrived in front of my house my mind was once again filled with thoughts of him. Since it was still in the middle of the day, I decided to drive around the neighbourhood and went to the electronics shop nearby to buy a new phone.
Hours went by and surprisingly, I managed not to think about him temporarily. Even though it's raining, I decided to take a stroll around the park and fortunately I have an umbrella in my car that I didn't have to buy a new one. There are only a few people walking outside; most of them probably had no choice but to go because of an errand or probably because they like the sound of rain hitting the pavement. Either way, the park wasn't as deserted as I thought it would be.
The air felt chilly and even though I'm a wearing a sweater, goose bumps still managed to crawl into my skin and made the hairs on my arms rise. I haven't done this in a while - walking all by myself in the rain going to nowhere in particular. I used to this before a couple of years ago, whenever Gwiboon and I used to fight and I needed to cool off. For some reason, rain made me feel calm and relaxed that it always made me think clearer and better after a fight or when I'm feeling frustrated.
Now I wonder if the rain will make me feel better after heartbreak, if it will help me think clearer. But now that I think about it, it's as if the rain wasn't really helping me to forget this time, it seemed as if it was consoling me and crying with me. By the time I came home, it was already dark and there's nothing else I wanted to do but take a rest and sleep. And hope that maybe tomorrow, I would be fine like today and for the following days that will follow.
I was in the living room watching a rerun program of some sitcom when I heard the doorbell rang. I didn't think anyone would come over today and I wasn't expecting any visitor either. So when I opened the door, I had to fight myself from slamming the door to his face and lock myself inside my room in case he managed to get in.
"Hi," Key said cheerfully, a big smile on his face.
I only stood there by the door, noticing how different his smile looked compared to whenever he's with me days ago. He looked happier and more cheerful than when I last saw him. It was probably because he'd been screwing Onew hyung behind my back that he's looking like that. A feeling of disgust came over me and I almost let myself show it to him. "Aren't you going to me let in?" he asked with his brows raised.
Reluctantly, I stepped aside and he walked in after giving me a peck on the cheek. The feeling of his lips on my skin felt like an electric shock, and even though he was already a few feet away from me the feeling was still lingering on my skin. I followed him slowly, eyeing how he seemed so comfortable with everything as if nothing was wrong. He sat down on the couch and patted the spot beside him, still smiling at me widely.
I felt like wanting to shout at him, to hurt him and get mad at him for acting all innocent around me. Instead of sitting beside him, I sat at the chair farther, one where he wouldn't be able to reach me or touch me. I saw the change in his expression, his cheerfulness turned into confusion and... Hurt? He just sat there staring at me with those eyes he always use when he's sad or hurt and it's definitely affecting me.
I could feel myself wanting to be beside him and hug him. But I was too mad to even let myself get close to him within an arm's reach. So instead I just turned my gaze away from him and continued watching TV. "Jjong," he called, his voice soft and low and it definitely sounded as if he was about to cry. "Jjong," he called, louder this time and it quivered a little bit. "Kim Jonghyun, will you please talk to me? You didn't even call me when you said you would. You wouldn't even pick up my calls because your phone's turned off and now you're ignoring me?"
"What are you doing here?" I asked, turning my gaze towards him and I made sure that he sees that I'm not in the right mood for whatever he wanted to do. He blinked at me, his eyes narrowing a little.
"I am here because I wanted I see you, but apparently it looks like I came at the wrong moment and I'm not wanted here," he stood up and was about to leave when, against my own will, I stood up and grabbed his wrist pulling him to my chest and hugged him.
I don't even know why I'm doing this, I want to be mad and frustrated because I'm hurt. But thinking that he will come home to Onew hyung when he leaves my house it will hurt me even more. I already lost Gwiboon to Onew hyung; I don't want to lose Key to him, too. I felt like I'm not capable of keeping someone beside me, it felt like I'm not suited to be with the one I love.
Was Onew hyung really better than me that they are leaving me just to be with him?
"Jjong, what's wrong with you?" I heard him ask, his hand giving me a pat and a rub on my back as his breath washed over my ear. "Please tell me."
"Just stay here with me, Key," I told him. I feel like I'm crying already, the stinging at the back of my eyes increasing as I try not to let the tears fall.
He returned my hug, his hands going down to my waist and pressed our bodies close together. He leaned his head on my shoulder, his nose almost nuzzling against the skin of my neck and his warm breath sending Goosebumps on my skin. I wanted to tell him that I knew, I wanted to make him explain himself to me - that he didn't mean all those words I heard from him and that he was joking with me. I want him to tell me that he chose me over Onew hyung and that we'll be together.
But no matter how much I wish for all those things to happen, I knew it would never come true. I would never be able to win his heart against Onew hyung, especially when I never had a chance to win this battle from the very beginning. He let go of me and took my hand, leading both of us towards the couch and he sat me down. He kneeled in front of me as he cupped my face and made me look at him. "What's really going on, Jonghyun?"
"Why do you want to know, Key? Why do you care about what happened to me?" I asked, looking straight into his eyes.
"Because I'm your boyfriend, your friend - your best friend for years - so of course I care about you. Jjong, whenever you're sad, in pain, or hurting, don't you know I also feel the same?" he said, his voice full of concern and tenderness that I'm starting to hate myself for giving in so easily when it comes to him. "I want to help you, Jjong. And I wouldn't be able to do that if you don't tell me anything."
I couldn't contain my tears any longer, letting them spill and flow from my eyes. "Be honest with me, Key," I told him and he nodded, "For once, did you ever feel the same way about me? For once, did you even love me the same way I do towards you?"
"Jjong..." Key dropped his hands to his lap, his head hung low as he avoided my gaze. He didn't say anything for a while and neither did I. I waited and waited for him to answer but he just looked down at his hands and kept his mouth shut.
"Please, just leave me alone, Key," I pushed him away slightly and left him still in the same position. I went inside my room and locked the door, not wanting to be bothered by anyone or anything. I heard the faint thud of the front door opening and closing, and I just couldn't stop myself from letting the tears fall.
As the pain continued to overwhelm me, I didn't even realize that I'm wasting myself crying over something so stupid. If he doesn't love me then why am I trying so hard by throwing myself at him? Simple: because I'm the idiot in love with someone who's heart was already owned by someone else. Why did fate even decided to play such a cruel game on me? I was perfectly happy with Gwiboon, with whatever I have and then all of a sudden I'm a loner who lost everything just because of love.
If Onew hyung and Key are together, then what about Gwiboon? Is Onew hyung cheating on her then if he's with Key? I can't believe I let her be with someone like him. I never thought that Onew hyung would be someone like that. After he's done with Gwiboon he went after Key. What if he did the same to him? Should I still give up and let Key be with him? I don't even know what I should do; I don't even have the nerve to tell Key about it or anyone at all in particular.
For the next couple of days, Key kept coming to my house trying to make me tell him what's wrong. If I tell him that I knew about him and Onew hyung, it might end things between us and I don’t want that to happen no matter how much it hurts to know that his heart belongs to someone else. I tried so hard not to make myself cry in front of him whenever he’s with me. Sometimes, I thought that maybe he really was trying to make me feel better but sometimes, I feel like he’s only feeling sorry for me.
“Jjong, seriously, you have to tell me what’s wrong,” he told me one time as we sat in the living room during one of his visits, “Why won’t you tell me?”
I can tell he’s already getting frustrated with me because of how he easily gets impatient and mad at me whenever I don't talk or response to whatever he's saying. Even today, I wasn't really saying anything as he did all the talking about random things. He was obviously trying hard to make me open up to him, but it was still hard whenever I remember their conversation on the phone. So as we sit on the couch side by side, he was facing me with a frown and pout on his face. "Jonghyun, if you don't talk or say anything I swear I'll leave immediately and you'll never see me again."
You'll never see me again.
Those simple words sent a strong pang towards my heart. Never see him again? Will I really let that happen? Of course not, I would fight for him and for us no matter what happens. "Do you really not know or you're just pretending that you don't know?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at him as I waited for his answer.
"I... I guess I do know why but I wanted to hear it from you, Jjong. I want to know if the reason is the same as to what I think it is," he answered softly, looking down on his lap and the frustration in his voice and expression was gone.
"Why don't you tell me first what do you think it is," I challenged him. I don't know why, but making him feel bad about what he had done to me is decreasing my anger because I knew at least that he was feeling guilty. Does that mean that he was feeling something for me after all?
Just like before whenever I challenged him he would be unable to answer immediately. "I think it was the day before you came back. I actually got a call from you but I missed it. Is that why you're mad at me? Because I didn't get to answer your call?" He looked up at me, his eyes showing his guilt that I knew was slowly building up inside of him as minutes ticked by.
"So I see that you knew that I called," I said, turning my gaze away from him and looked at something else instead. "What else do you think made me mad, Key?"
Instead of answering, he just shook his head at my question. "Are you saying you don't know or you don't want to say it?" I asked again, my anger increasing because he won't admit what he had done wrong.
I heard sniffing and then I realized he was crying. As silence filled the room, he started crying harder as his guilt got the best of him. I know Key was never the one to do things such as cheating, so what made him do it this time? Was it the fact that his feelings for Onew hyung had been bottled up for too long that he wasn't able to control himself? "Key... How long has it been going on between you and Onew hyung?" I finally decided to ask, figuring that it's time to confront him about it.
His head snapped up as he looked at me in shock, his wide eyes glistening from the tears that were still rolling down his face. "What...?" he started to ask as his voice quivered. Eventually he wasn't able to finish his question even though I already knew what he was going to say.
"I heard the two of you when I called, Key. You didn't miss it; I guess you accidentally pressed it not knowing that it was a call. I heard everything the two of you said, about how you spent the night before and it just..." This time I'm wasn't able to finish as tears started pooling in my eyes and a thick lump started forming in my throat.
"You... You heard it?" he croaked, blinking his eyes repeatedly to make the tears fall.
"Yes, I heard it all, Key - loud and clear," I replied. I tried to make my voice sound firm and steady but I had to swallow back the lump that was stuck in my throat, making me unable to talk properly.
"Jjong, I can explain, please," Key whispered, his hands grabbing my knees as he pulled himself closer to me.
"Explain what, Key? That you've been screwing around with Onew hyung while I'm away? Huh? Is that it?" I shouted angrily as I grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him and making his wide shocked eyes lock with mine. "Key, do you have any idea how much it hurt me when I heard those words come out from your mouth? Do you have any idea how much I wanted to barge inside your house because I couldn't stand the thought of you being with him?"
"Jjong..." he started but I didn't let him finish.
"Shut the up, Key! And don't call me that!"
I pushed him hard on the floor, making him stumble backwards. “You better leave now before I hurt you, Key, because I swear I won’t be able to stop myself from doing it to you,” I told him, trying to calm myself internally as I try to regulate my breathing. He stared at me without moving from his position on the floor. I wanted to hurt him like he did to me. I want him to experience the pain I’m going through. But because I love him I can’t do it. Even though I just pushed him to the floor I already wanted to apologize to him for doing it. He’s too cruel, heartless. He’s playing both me and Onew at the same time and he had the nerve to think I’ll let those things pass. I was so in love with him that I became a fool as he had me wrapped around his fingers.
Slowly, he stood up from the floor and his hands wrapped around his body hugging himself. He wasn’t looking at me anymore; his eyes glued to the linoleum floor we’re standing on. “Jonghyun, I swear I didn’t mean to do it. I just… I just lost it that time but I swear I was trying to stop myself. You can ask Onew hyung if you want because I’m telling the truth. I told him that I’m not going to end our relationship because I don’t want to hurt you. He was even planning to break up with Gwiboon but I told him not to because I also don’t want her to get hurt.”
He wanted to stay in a relationship with me? But why? He loves Onew hyung and yet he doesn't want to end our relationship even though it's one-sided? He sounded so sincere when he told me that but I couldn't see if it's the same with his eyes because they are usually the ones that can tell me the truth about his feelings. We stood facing each other without saying anything and by now my anger has ceases to confusion. "Is it over between the two of them?" I asked quietly, taking a seat once again on the again leaning forward with my hands massaging my temples.
"I tried to stop him but he still broke up with her. He said she already knew all along - about me having feelings for him, that is - so I guess she wasn't really mad at me or him," he replied. I noticed he wasn't crying that hard anymore, but I can still see tears escaping his eyes even though he's looking down.
So they had broken up and now Onew hyung is after him just like that even if Gwiboon isn't holding any grudge against either of them. One of the reasons why I fell in love with Gwiboon before is the fact that she understands everyone completely. We're opposites in some ways like this, and to think that she was ready to end her relationship with Onew hyung because she already knows about how he and Kibum feel for one another. She can accept that fact without throwing a tantrum unlike me.
"Onew hyung already ended his relationship with Gwiboon because of you; but you still wanted to be with me," I said and I saw him nod weakly, wiping the wetness on his face still not looking at me. "Why?" This time I looked at him and waited for his answer. There's a part of me that wished I shouldn't have asked that but another part of me wanted to know why he would rather stay with me even if Onew hyung is no longer attached to someone.
"Because it's not fair to you, Jjong. He took Gwiboon away from you and you were hurt - a lot - and now he's trying to take me away from you, too. It's not fair because we just started and he hurt me for years so I just can't let him get away with it and..." he started babbling but I cut him off.
"But you did let him get away with it, Key. You slept with him multiple times already," I spat and he immediately quiet down. His fingers were fiddling the hem of his shirt, his thumbs wrapping the piece of cloth around and around them. "If you really didn't want me to get hurt you shouldn't have done it in the first place, Key. I know you're better than that, you're smarter than that."
He stood there silently like a kid being scolded for not eating his vegetables or for breaking the rules. Actually, he did look like a kid who’s guilty of stealing a piece of candy with the way his head was still hung low avoiding my gaze. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and thought everything thoroughly. For a couple of minutes or so, silence once again filled the room and I hear him sniffing again. Heaving a sigh and opening my eyes, I stood from the couch and pulled Key to a hug.
I felt him stiffen from my sudden action but soon after I felt relax and return the hug. He buried his face against my neck and he started crying. Burying my face into his hair, I could smell his scented shampoo and I knew that I wouldn't be able to hate him after all he's done to me. Ever since way before, Key had been my weakness as he managed to create himself a soft spot in my heart.
Within our group, he's always the baby - he likes being babied and we like babying him - and no one just can't resist him. Not even my past relationship with Gwiboon can compare how much he influences me. At times, he acts older than Onew hyung; he can be such a cry-baby worse than me; he can be total diva more than Gwiboon; more competitive than Minho; and more childish than Taemin. Whatever we all have, he has it and he can beat us all combined.
"You really don't want to end it with me, Key?" I asked whispering, my arms around his neck as my hands caresses his hair ruffling it a little bit.
He shook his head "No" followed by few more sniffing. I can feel my shirt was already damp from his tears when I felt a quick cold air brush against my skin when he breathed. "I want to give us a chance. I told you that before, didn't I?" he said, his voice muffled as he talked against the skin of my neck.
"You really want to?" I asked again.
"Oh," he nodded slowly a few times, "But can we take it slow? I mean, we started off our real relationship through . Can we just hang out like how we used to and see where that can take us?"
It made me smile and I felt happy that he really wanted to give our relationship a chance, that he's not doing this out of pity after all because I can sense his sincerity. “As long as you stay by my side, Key, we’ll take every chance we can get to work all this out,” I told him, hugging his body closer to me and I felt his arms tighten around my torso. If Key wants to be with me – choosing me over Onew hyung – then I have to make sure that I can make him love me, too.
I know for now he just wanted to give me a chance, and in the future there can only two things that can happened to us: he’ll break up with me because he’s still in love with Onew hyung, or he’d let Onew hyung go because loves me. It’s only those two that can happen and it’s all up to Key to make his decisions. I don’t want to pressure in making them because I know that it won’t do any good. But I also want him to make them as soon as possible because he can’t keep me and Onew hyung at the same time, he’s going to have to choose one eventually and let the other go.
The thought that Key wants to be with me gave me enough confidence in winning his heart. It might sound cruel saying it like that, but now this is a competition between me and Onew hyung. We might have been best friends for years, but I’m not going to let that get me. He had done so many things against me that it gave me almost enough reason to disregard our friendship and think of him as my rival instead of a friend whom I’ve treated as my own brother. I already let him win once, but this time I’m not going to let him win Key.
A/N:
its getting even more complicated, isn't it?
bwahah!! i'm so cruel because i just kept twisting their life..
but i guess in the next few chapters things will start to take its peak so wait for my next update...
COMMENT AND/OR SUBSCIRBE!!! i want to read your comments people!! lmao ^_^
later guys!!
- immaLocket029
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