It is so much like Haerin to overthink things.  Since when has she become such a sensitive person? She cursed at Kyungsoo through a text because she’s doing all this thinking as a reaction to his stupid question the other day.  To pile up on it, she hadn’t seen Kai after getting caught making out.  Sure, he called her and texted her and told her that he had seminars to attend with his dad and that their relationship got slightly better, but it doesn’t help her speculations when she doesn’t see him in flesh.  She isn’t exactly one who would make false assumptions and all but it’s frustrating to actually realise that she’s coming up with weird scenarios in her head. 

And she did not expect to see herself in front of Kai’s house in the evening just to know what he’s up to at the very moment.

“What the is wrong with me?” She stomps at the ground in frustration but stays in place, hesitating whether to step up to the doorstep and ring the bell or not.

When she hears the bell buzz overhead, she sprints away from the gates and hides behind a wall by a hook, heart thumping wildly in shock.  “Stupid bell,” She wheezes.  After a moment, she peeks for a glance at who was coming out and her eyeballs almost popped out of her sockets when she sees Kai linking arms with a girl.

Jealousy wrenched at her gut—and yes, she lowered her pride enough to admit that it’s jealousy—and she finds herself clenching her jaw tightly.  Damn it.  Kyungsoo’s question and that little talk with Nara made her realise things she had been avoiding to realise.  She has feelings for Kai, and all this time, she has been guiltily revelling in the way they are connected solely by their heated want for each other under unlikely circumstances.

And now she realises that she wants to know what Kai and that girl are up to.

She didn’t know she had a stalker mode to her brain because she got on a taxi and practically said to the driver to ‘follow that car over there’ which was, who else’s, but Kai’s. This is unbelievable.  She’s so out of control.  She’s not properly holding herself back.

“Excuse me, sir, stop the car please,” She frowns to herself.  She hands him a handful of cash and mumbling a quiet ‘keep the change’, gets off and plops down on the closest bench she can find, eyeing the back of Kai’s car that was getting smaller and smaller by the second as it drove far into the distance.  She’s regretting her decision to stop stalking Kai, because now she’s never going to find out what he’s up to and who that girl is and why she hasn’t been seeing him as often, but that doesn’t beat her newer episode of realisation.  

They’re not attached.  She and Kai are nothing.  They are, as they have agreed, not bound in any sort of relationship because they both agreed on it.  She doesn’t have the right to come up to him and ask him who that girl is or what he’s doing with her or what he’s been doing all this time away from her.  She doesn’t have the right to ask him anything or demand anything from him.  She feels like she can rip her hair off from the exasperation.  It’s not a good feeling.

She decides to call Kai anyways.  She swiftly fishes her phone out of her bag and presses one on her speed dial.  The phone rings twice, thrice, on and on until she is sent to voicemail.  She tries again, and once more, she enters the voicemail.  

Cursing, she tosses her phone roughly into her bag and trudges angrily away from the bus stop.  Why didn’t he pick up? Is he that busy? Is he giving that girl what he has always been giving Haerin? The same words? The same smile? The same touches, even? Does he really not feel any attachment towards Haerin? All those questions, but no answers.  All the time she decides to have feelings for the opposite gender, things just go unfinished and she ends up with the loose ends.  She hates it to her core, but she’s also human.  She still has feelings.

Suddenly, her phone beeps, signalling an incoming text.  She takes it out begrudgingly and reads the text, which appears to be from Kai.

‘What’s wrong?’

“What’s wrong?” Haerin scoffs, making a face at her phone screen.  “You’re what’s wrong,”

‘Are you okay?’

At that second text, she immediately softens, fingers gliding over her screen to type back a reply. 

‘I’m fine.  Where are you?’

‘I’m out.  What is it? You need me to come over?’

As she was about to text another reply, her phone rings and Kai’s name pops up on the screen.  With a sigh, she picks up.

“Hello?”

‘Haerin? Is everything okay?’

Haerin’s eyes sting at the way his voice rings with worry.  She puts a finger to her lips in an effort to stop the trembling and quietly answers.  “No,”

‘Hey, hey, what is it? Where are you? Home? I’ll come over right away,’

She’s the one who rushes home the moment the line ended.  Her body and her heart were all longing for Kai, Kai and Kai.  Bursting out the elevator, she has just realised that her tears were streaming down her cheeks the whole way home and that the sight of Kai with a girl behind him did not help.  She could have fallen onto the ground if Kai had not rushed over to hold her up.

“Haerin? What happened?” He frowns, voice high in panic.

“I t-thought you left me alone,” Haerin answers, clutching at his shirt like a lifeline.

“I what?” Kai looks down at her incredulously.  “Haerin, wha— oh, noona, you can go, it’s fine, she’s fine but I’ll be staying over just in case,”

“Hm? Okay,” The girl stands on tiptoes to kiss Kai’s cheek and walks away into the elevator.

Kai brings Haerin inside and kicks the door closed before setting her down on the couch and handing her a glass of water.  Haerin gulps down the contents, but water couldn’t actually douse away the fact that that girl kissed Kai on the cheek.  More scenarios, more speculations, more thinking.

“Hello?”

Haerin looks up from her glass of water as she hears Kai speak into his phone.  She watches his expression very closely.

“No, noona, it’s fine.  Yeah, thanks for dinner.  Yeah, sure, sure, next week? Why not? You’ll be leaving for the States soon, right? Might as well spend more time with you while I can.  Yeah, I love you, too,” As he hangs up, he looks at his screen longingly and lets a faint smile colour his lips.  “God, I’m gonna miss her,”

Haerin might be the jealous type, but she’s the introvert, inexpressive jealous type.  If she’s jealous or if she’s feeling possessive, she keeps it inside.  So she doesn’t ask.  After all, she doesn’t really have the right to ask.  She averts her eyes away from Kai’s when he looks down at her and comes to sit beside her.  “You wanna tell me what’s wrong?” He reaches for her hand but Haerin reflexively pulls away from him.

“No,” Haerin turns her head away and stands to go and wash her mug.  “You should go,”

“But I—“

“You should go and spend more time with that girl.  She’s leaving soon, right?”

Kai eyes her and a smirk appears on his face.  “Haerin,”

“I told you to go, Jongin,”

“Haerin, are you jealous?”

“What did you say?!” Haerin whips her head to face Kai defiantly but steps back when he approaches her.  

“Are you jealous?” Kai asks again, his smirk turning into a grin

“Of who?” She scoffs, rolling her eyes.

“My sister,”

Haerin’s mouth drops open and she freezes as Kai slips an arm around her waist, trapping her to his body.  “What did you say?” She draws back from his face.

“The girl who was with me the whole day; she’s my sister,” Kai chuckles at her expression.  “She’s studying as a doctor in the States and I thought you were feeling sick so I told her to come along, but you weren’t, so she left.  Turns out you’re jealous, huh?”

“I’m not jea—“ Haerin’s words were muffled by Kai’s lips and in surprise, she drops her mug and it falls onto the rug with a thump.  He pulls away with a sigh and sticks his forehead onto hers.

“God, Haerin,” His breath hits her face as he speaks.  “You had me worried sick,” He pecks her nose, eyebrows angled with worry.

Haerin lets out a quiet whimper at his words and slips her fingers into the tangle of his black hair as she pulls him in for a feverish kiss full on the mouth.  When she pulls away and realises that he had been grinning into the kiss, she slaps his chest.  “It’s not funny,” She dodges his lips.

“It is,” He laughs, nudging her lips with his for continuous, little pecks.  “It is,”

“It’s not.. funny.. I really.. thought.. you—Jongin!” Haerin was getting frustrated by the way Kai is kissing her after every word.

His laughter rumbles throughout his chest again and he tucks her head into the crook of his neck, swaying the both of them back and forth.  “I wouldn’t do that to you,”

Pausing for a minute, Haerin breaks out into a grin of her own and jumps up to lock her legs around Kai’s waist, glad that his reflexes made his arms hold her up by the thighs.  “Really?” She giddily asks, planting kisses along his jaw as he walks towards her bedroom.

“Yeah,” Kai playfully bites at her earlobe and chuckles when Haerin squeals in surprise.  “Know why?” He looks into her eyes.

Haerin playfully looks back and cracks up when he tosses her onto the bed.  “Why’s that, Dr. Kim?” She asks, throwing him a hooded gaze.

Kai hisses and bites his lower lip as he scrunches his nose.  “That’s such a turn-on,”

“Are you going to be like that with all of your patients in the future?” Haerin lets out an expression of mock surprise and giggles when he settles in between her legs and tickles her neck with his kisses.

“Of course not,” Kai shakes his head, still tucked into her neck.  “It only happens when you say it,”

“So is it purely physical, with me?” Haerin lets her eyes wander towards the ceiling as her quiet voice lets out the taboo question.  

Kai pulls away from her neck and looks down at her beautiful, brown eyes.  His fingers push a strand of hair away from her face and his smile had disappeared at the sound of the question slipping out of Haerin’s lips.  “You know it’s not like that,” He runs his thumb under her eye.  “You know it’s not and you know well why,”

Haerin shakes her head stubbornly.  “I don’t,”

“I can’t—urgh,” Kai pulls away from her and sits cross-legged on the bed, facing Haerin as she sits up along with him, their knees touching.  “I don’t know how else I can show you how I feel towards you, Haerin.  Those kisses are the only ways that I know of.  Flowers die.  Chocolates expire.  Objects disappear.  But kisses; you remember them every time I give it to you.  You’d remember the way I touch you and press my lips onto yours, the way I remember how you touch me and kiss me,” He runs a hand through his hair, taking Haerin’s hand in seriousness.  “And I’d always be here to give it to you,”

Haerin says nothing as she eyes him, gauging his sincerity, testing his feelings.

“Can’t you—can’t you trust me? On that?” Kai pleaded, rubbing her knuckles.  

Haerin decides to lean forward to kiss his forehead, squeezing his hands as she pulls away.  “Okay,” She grips at his hand tightly.  “Always?”

“Always,”

And that night, they fell asleep on the same bed, in each other’s arms, with their clothes perfectly intact.

But they know, that their hearts are at its most exposed, vulnerable state when they are with each other.