Fanfic link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/374115/the-equation-of-time-kimjongkook-runningman-yooneunhye-songjihyo-spartace

Title: 5/5

No words to really express how this is well put. It’s unique while keeping into the basic idea.

Forewords: 2/5

While it doesn’t give away what happens in the story at the same time I was expecting a bit more. Maybe later on take a segment from a chapter just a short paragraph or event and place it here. I don’t care about colour choices so I don’t have complaints with that.

On a side note maybe cut down your description. Maybe use the second last sentence of the blurb. Just a thought so it’s up to you. 

Plot:  11/15

So far nothing to really nit pick over. However at the same time I am noticing some possible clichés which could result in readers feeling like they’ve already read that story. I’ll be brief here:

• His girl dying and it just so happens she is pregnant
• Him marrying but being unfaithful to his wife

Though I wouldn’t say it’s going to end up cliché. Right now it’s hard for me to say if the story will end up becoming predictable or not. The beauty of writing fan fiction is you can always go back and change things if you please. Maybe Eun Hye died some other way instead of a car crash or maybe she was going to have a baby but miscarried shortly before? Maybe make his daughter not-so sweet later on as she gets older.

Flow: 8/10

Nothing wrong with the flow as such provided you keep going at a steady pace and don’t suddenly rush it. For Jongkook and Jihyo their relationship is likely to remain stale for quite a few months before any chemistry is sparked between them again.

Keep reasonable time frames for each event and don’t skip on the small events for they may help with character development. Also change the length of your sentences so that unnecessary detail (e.g. going on and on about the make of a teapot, the colour and the pattern unless the person sells chinaware) doesn’t get in the way.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15

There are a few errors but not a lot to really cause a hassle to read. These ones do affect the presentation of the writing (e.g. how the viewers look at it)

As soon as he opened the door, the woman placed her arms around him, rubbing herself onto him, she tried to pry open his robe, she hungrily claimed his mouth, while letting her hands roam his manly muscles.

Whoa 38 words in a sentence. I can see how it’s important for it describes her actions but lets break into two or three sentences:

As soon as he opened the door the woman wrapped her arms around him and grinded against him. She claimed his mouth while trying to open his robe, her hands fondling his muscles.

This is a sensual scene but this is not a cheesy romance novel you would find in a library at the same time. The readers know Jongkook is a man so I took away ‘manly’ for I felt it wasn’t necessary and changed ‘roam’ to ‘fondling’.

Jongkook arrived at the lobby, the staff greeted him warmly. He smiled at them awkwardly but the truth is he wanted to hide, as he was embarrassed with his current self.

We know he’s embarrassed but we don’t need a lot of emphasis on this. If you want to still mention this then compact it down into one sentence which would fit in with the paragraph describing the city.

Jongkook arrived at the lobby and smiled at the staff awkwardly. The sight he saw when he went through the front doors and outside amazed him.

The only other thing is not having a capital letter at the start of some sentences. Most of the time this kind of mistake is one that is easily missed if the writer’s rushing or is overly tired so not really a big deal.

Characterization: 9/10

From what I’ve seen you’ve portrayed Jongkook close to what he is like in real life (this is only important to me whereas other reviewers may not agree). He’s a soppy romantic at heart, a bit shy and also loves kids. Bingo all of that is written within the story. He’s likeable which is good and goes to show you know what he is really like outside of Running Man.

Not saying anything about Eun Hye due to lack of character (sorry)

Jihyo has every right to act the way she has been in this story. Keep her this way until she can finally see how nice Jongkook is to her. Don’t make her wishy washy to please your readers and maybe some of her violent tendencies can come out?

I can see why you put Jade in there; if we were to compare this to a running man episode he would be the ‘PD’ who announces the mission.

Hyo Jong is cute for a daughter but be careful to always refer to Hyo Jong as a girl and not a guy at times. She doesn’t need to be so sweet all the time so let her have a tantrum or two. Don’t swap or twist her personality to a large extent LOL.

Originality: 5/10

There were some things about this which took down the score. For the pros you used people outside of the kpop industry as the main characters. Also there was reason why Jongkook was into the future and it wasn’t just a random event and Jongkook wasn’t being unfaithful to Jihyo with only one woman. The use of the hour glass is also something used well. In stories where one of the symbols can be ‘time’ people tend to use clocks or watches so I wouldn’t change that. 

Cons however; the adultery storyline: the sweet almost too good to be true daughter, the know-it-all guide and the tragedy which occurred before him arriving in the future.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10

Sue me because I love Running Man and this is the first Running Man fic I had to ever review. I really have been enjoying it and will continue to read on until the end.

Overall Score: 62/80

Good job, get a second opinion if you want and I look forward to seeing how the story plays out.

(Sorry if this isn’t as detailed as the others or seems rushed, I finished this later than I promised)