Fanfiction Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/338577

Title: 5/5

this is probably a great example of a title done well. It’s short, catches the readers attention alone making the readers wonder what the meaning behind it is.

Forewords: 5/5

The foreword was short; it drew the reader in and was done well. Forewords are the appetiser to any story and this was indeed that. Well done. 

Plot:  14/15

Be careful that the story doesn’t end in a way where all of them escape as that may make the story unrealistic but if they all die then the readers will either be really pissed or super pleased depending on their personal preferences.

I gave it high marks for the fact I couldn’t pick out a lot of the turns the story was taken and so every chapter was a surprise for me. Plus for the beginning chapters it shows that there is something amiss without giving the story away and gives the angst/thriller feel without being too full on at the beginning.

Like Hitchcock’s film ‘Psycho’ make sure the readers get comfortable while slowly bringing in the creepy sensation through the setting, the way the character acts before suddenly swooping them with a dramatic scene. It will keep them stunned for a moment and appreciate the sudden adrenalin rush.

Flow: 9/10

Keep up with the cliff-hangers as it is a great way to keep the readers drawn and will ensure that you end each chapter without being too long or short. As far as I’m aware you can use them as much as you want but at the same time make sure you create different ones so the reader won’t feel or notice them.

It’s not fast and it’s not too slow. Careful you don’t add too many characters at once, give appropriate time intervals so that they can keep developing and adjusting to the new faces.

Using twists will help keep the readers entertained but if they’re overused then the readers can become discouraged and struggle to read on through the confusion. Throw them in from time to time but it’s usually best to make sure they follow the plot. An idea is a few small ones to trip up the readers so they have to stop and think before they read on and then near the make the biggest twist occur.

Watch out with this, for readers can tell if a twist is unrealistic.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15

It was hard to find any flaws with the grammar or vocabulary so I’m going to give you a good score for this. There are a few mistakes which are not a big deal because they aren’t that noticeable so I decided that deducting marks for each was pointless:

“Give up, there is no way to get out of here,” he said with a deep voice.

Consider putting a full stop instead of a comma as a break. The sentence is already rather long so it can go there or after the ‘here’.

“Give up. There is no way to get out of here.” He said with a deep voice.

You can use two full stops or one. Either way I think it works.

“Of course, you’re saying that! You bastard!”

The ‘you bastard part’ is a bit awkward. Better to remove that exclamation mark before it so that the sentence isn’t choppy and the comma or the break at the beginning so that when the reader comes across that sentence it flows when reading it:

“Of course you’re saying that you bastard!”

Unfortunately there was noting.

Unfortunately there was nothing.

“Why…The…Hell…Did you do that?”

The extra pauses are not needed, for normal speech people don’t pause like that unless they have trouble breathing for instance, a guy being chased finally catches up to his friends would be panting the moment he stops and tries to explain what happened.

“Why the hell did you do that?!”

The exclamation mark at the end is there to show that the speaker is not only asking the main character about her behaviour but also to express his agony.

He asked while faking to be concerned.

If you want to still keep the word concerned then write it something like this:

He asked, pretending to be concerned.

Here the word ‘while’ gets omitted and a comma is placed to suggest a spot where the reader would stop for a second before continuing on. I changed the word from faking to pretending because personally it sounded awkward. If you want to keep the word ‘faking’ then maybe write:

He asked, faking his concern.

But overall I think for a non English speaker you did rather well. Most of these mistakes are easily fixed and won’t affect your plot so good job.
 

Characterization: 8/10

Sumin isn’t a typical Mary Sue but if a character is too strong then it can also be a flaw to the story. For the sake of this review I’m going to call the overall strong character Roxy Hart which doesn’t quite fit thanks to my reference to Chicago (now children do not watch if you’re underage) but will do for this.

I was a bit confused though as to whether the name Sungjung was meant to be Sunjong from Infinite or another OC in the story. As a supporting character he doesn’t stand out as such like Myungsoo or Bang Yong Guk but because the story isn’t yet finished I’m letting it slide because there’s still time and opportunity for his character to be further developed if you would like. A good trait that you showed is that he can be caring.

Bang Yongguk reminded me of a character that is not the typical hero. He wants to get out, tries to be realistic without taking crazy chances and uses his brain but is happy to voice his opinion if something doesn’t sit right. You can decide whether you can make his character stronger mentally, physically or cause him to become weaker. Either way what you do with him will effect the way the story progresses and if a love line can be developed between him and Sumin.

I didn’t see much from Daehyun to really say if he contributed to the story or not. It seemed a bit too unrealistic to have a medical student appear almost immediately after someone broke their nose and he would have had to have carried a large case with him full of antiseptic etc to be able to cure someone. Like I said before I didn’t read much about him to say whether or not to keep him but maybe give him limits with his abilities. For example maybe make him work in a specialised field such as trauma so he doesn’t know how to give proper massages like a physiotherapist.

Dasom is the other female lead but she didn’t really appear much during what I’ve read. She seems to be the polar opposite to Sumin so feel free to add to that. If Sumin has good morals then maybe twist Dasom’s so she ends up becoming a bit deranged due to being imprisoned at the will to escape or paranoid from the events that continue to unfold.

For Myungsoo I could sense that you’d stepped away from the L/Myungsoo persona he usually haves which means that he stays as the one person in the story. He’s extreme with his rage and can be psychotic which was interesting to read. For the gloomiest character in the story you didn’t limit him to having a pessimistic mood and he had different feelings at appropriate intervals. Just be careful that you don’t make him change to become happy all of a sudden as it would not be realistic.

One of the dangers with using two groups in a fanfic is that it can be hard to create convincing unique characters that have enough input into the storyline to be able to have their own difficulties, revelations and growth. Next time maybe focus on one group to make it easier.

Originality: 10/10

Typically there are probably a few stories based on the idea of being trapped as well as the alleged use of ‘chucky dolls’ which are seen in a lot of horror films, shows as being the scary doll. I haven’t watched enough horror to make any comparisons with the storyline but I cannot see it being cliché overall and you made it your very own.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10

I’d never read anything quite like your story so I didn’t have anything to compare it to regarding plot or the concepts but it kept me intrigued the whole time whether it was over the characters starting to appear, wondering where the brother is and if he’ll survive.

Overall Score: 74/80

Well done for your score, thanks for requesting, don’t forget to credit and enjoy writing. Remember it’s not about the overall result, it’s about loving your story ^_^

Edit: sorry I miscalcuated before XD