http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/77074/my-boyfriend-or-my-butler-comedy-ljoe-romance-you-youngmin-kwangmin-boyfriendband 

Title: 3/5

The good thing is that it is not unrelated to the actual story itself however it does give the plot away that it’s about a boyfriend and a butler.

Forewords: 2/5

First of its very long; there is the plot mentioned, heaps of posters and other information that may be seen as spoilers. Maybe stick to the main poster you will use consistently and find somewhere else for the other posters to go. Keep the contents page for the chapter as well as the graphic and the other reviews and maybe put the ‘Inspiration’ part in a first chapter so it’s not as long.

Plot: 10 /15

It’s an interesting plot with some good key points. One of them being the reference to the Novel ‘Beastly’ which I would prefer to be mentioned than Twilight or Harry Potter. I was worried that it would be a typical master and his maid similar theme but the idea of her having to choose the right guy

Flow: 8/10

It is a bit fast at one point (I think the kiss between Kwangmin and Sekyung could have come later) but the overall plot is steady and there’s a few interesting story arcs to give depth and make things more interesting. If I say anymore then I may end up giving away too much.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15

"All guys only likes me because I am your daughter!" You told him. 

Now this is a simple case of mistaken plurals and singulars. The noun‘Guys’ is plural for more than one guy and then you have‘likes’ which is more than one like. Do all guys possess many‘likes’ for that one girl or are they many guys who all‘like’ one girl?Does that make sense? There’s a difference between what is being said here and what the actual sentence could appear like:

“All guys only like me because I am your daughter!” You told him.

This is a simple mistake which many make so I won’t go overboardyou’ve made it clear that English isn’t your first language which means I can be a be lenient than if English was their first.

I've been to a school, Daddy- do you call that a change?

Commas are used for times where people take a breath and then read on. So this sentence would be read as ‘I’ve been to school’ (take a breath) daddy (breath) do you call that a change? Consider writing it to sound like:

I’ve been to a school daddy, do you call that a change?

The hyphen (-) is dropped, thecapitalD goes because it is not at the start of a sentence and isn’t the name of a person place or thing(a noun).  

You almost fainted when you saw 2 guys.

Consider writing the actual word format of the number out instead of writing it numerically. It looks better so here it would be:

You almost fainted when you saw two guys.

However if you would prefer choose to write it as‘2’ then you may do so as long as you don’t jump between thetwo and remain consistent.

"Daddy - This?"

Is this a pause between the words?Otherwise do ellipseswhich is the(…). It is a dramatic pause between words.

“Daddy…” then stop and say

 “- this?”

 And written it would be:

“Daddy…This?”

I don't care if Daddy payed them to be with me or to go to school with me. *sighs*

The way you’ve spelt ‘paid’ is how you would write ‘pay’ as in they haven’t actually received the money yet. So it would be:

I don't care if Daddy paid them to be with me or to go to school with me. *sighs*

But not a big deal (English can be very confusing so you’ve done well to write in it!) So just be careful of writing in the past and the future tense. Here’s an example I’ve picked up:

I pouted. /He didn't told me./ - Instead this would be ‘tell’ because he hasn’t said anything to her yet.

/He told me./ This is fine because this is past tense and he has said something to him.

Here’s a quick guide:

Call (future) becomes Called in past tense.

Say (future) becomes Said in past

So a hint could be: if is done then you steal the first letter of done and add it to the end of the adjective which is an action or a doing word; if it hasn’t been done then leave the word as it is. (Man that makes more sense in my head than here).
 

Also be careful about plurals. We wear two shoes instead of a shoe.

Characterization: 8/10

This is the part I enjoy. Sekyung appears to be very sweet. A bit naïve (despite wearing heels and having ‘y’ clothes) and acts spoilt sometimes as well as being a cry baby she is just a shy girl who has a crush on a guy like a lot of us have on one kpop idol at least.

I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to recognize the twins (I have enough trouble as it is in real life to remember the blonde one is Kwangmin and the brown haired one is Youngmin but at least they have different personalities. Kwangmin is more reserved and sweet while Youngmin is impulsive (he is the elder out of the two right?) So it helps to tell the difference and it gives flair to the story. If I can go off the topic of kpop for a moment it is like having a Yuki who is quiet and slightly sensitive and a wild Kyo who acts more than thinks. This gives flair and different flavors for them both instead of having two twins who act and think the same way all the time which can appear confusing and even boring at times. I also like how they are able to act how the other twin would which is only something twins can do but not many people can covey it clearly in their writing so well done.

I don’t know which twin I like more. They are like salt and pepper so it’s a good thing they stuck together.

Little Joe seems like the typical jealous ex boyfriend who will do anything to irritate Sekyung. With Victoria I thought she was an ex best friend but I realize that she is a at times but is still nice to Sekyung.

Originality: 9/10

While there were elements that seemed like they came from other stories, the way they were weaved in made it unique and the author's own.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10

It’s a fun cute story and it’s the first ‘Boyfriend’ fan fic I’ve read so I give points for being the first one and for asking me to review it for her.

Overall Score: 70 /80