Fanfic Link:  http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/381364/of-the-stars-and-those-two-beneath-it-fluff-oneshot-exo-baekhyun-chanyeol-baekyeol-chanbaek

Title: 2/5

it’s a long title but it’s unique. Maybe make it shorter with something such as:

    Two under the Stars

Forewords: 1/5

There wasn’t any text from the story which made me sad. Good that you put a warning in the beginning but a sentence or two from the story would have helped pull curious readers into wanting to read your story.

I’ll extract some samples of some one-liners you could use.

Baekhyun quickly looked up to the sky, a blush forming on his cheeks. “Oh wow, look the stars are so bright now…”

For now just have a think about it and see what you come up with.

Plot:  14/15

For a one shot it’s hard to fit a lot into the story. A lot of this plot was character driven which was shown through the dialogue and the actions. The readers can sense their relationship being a roller coaster which is normal and there are no unrealistic expectations such as them being overly lovey dovey or acting as if they aren’t really a couple.

It’s good in that for being short it gives a good little back story between the lovers. They reminisce about how they met and felt for each other during that one time. I’m only deducting one mark because it would have been nice to have mentioned more information about the stars but talking briefly about Libra and yixing’s galaxy was a good start.

Flow: 5/10

It felt like it was rather fast and so certain details which could have helped were omitted. There’s no real guideline for the ideal length of a one-shot but to have more interaction between them would have been nice.

Otherwise the length wasn’t a problem; it didn’t cut off inappropriately and didn’t go into another event which would have made it drag on.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15

Aside from some sentences being too long I couldn’t pick out a lot to make a fuss over. Grammar is a weak point of mine which is why I suggest getting a second opinion at the end because there are other people that will see what I’ve missed.

Small footsteps was heard, then there was a flickering of lights, and then, the whole room lit up, revealing a grumpy man standing and an awkwardly grinning man on the floor, his smile a bit crooked because of the light pain he was feeling.

What happened to the full stops? Let’s use a few in breaking up the sentence.

Small footsteps were heard, and then there was a flickering of lights. The whole room lit up, revealing a grumpy man standing and his friend on the floor, awkwardly grinning. His smile a bit crooked because of the light pain he was feeling.

I separated it into three sentences and changed some of the wording. The tense in the first sentence I found awkward so I used ‘were’ instead of ‘was’ to fit the past tense.

There was some repetition at parts and a few words you can change as well.

Baekhyun stared at Chanyeol, his eyes a bit dazed. “I’m still half asleep.” he stated plainly, and then moved to the bed. “ off Yeol, I’m going to sleep. I’m tired.”

Chanyeol looked at him, pouting, his eyes widened. “B-but it’s our anniversary, Baekhyun. How could you?” He faked a smile, which made Baekhyun’s eyebrow twitch.

So here is what I managed to change it to and see what you think:

Baekhyun stared at Chanyeol, his sight bleary. “I’m still half asleep.” He stated and then moved to the bed. “ off Yeol, I’m tired. Let’s do it another time.” Grabbing the edge of the covers, Baekhyun climbed back in.

Chanyeol looked at him, widening his eyes and pouting. “B-but it’s our anniversary. Don’t you want to celebrate it?” He fakes a smile which made Baekhyun’s eyebrow twitch in suspicion.

There isn’t much to re-write so consider getting another eye to read over it and give you suggests. Betas are known to be able to do this so maybe search around for one.

Characterization: 9/10

Two very opposite characters who are both in love. I was afraid that the stark differences in their opinions at time would make them seem almost incompatible but somehow it worked. You had two characters which appealed to the audience.

Because I know little to nothing about EXO I asked my friend Music Chilbi for some help on what the two boys are like in real life so I’m comparing their characters based on the description she retrieved from someone.

Baekhyun was indeed whiny. It’s expected that not everyone would jump at the chance to go star gazing and you played it well. He’s also seen to be stubborn, the desire of sleep overwhelming any thoughts of star gazing. He’s also gentle which can be seen when Chanyeol manages to melt away his annoyance with smooth talking while at the same time still slightly peeved that he’s missing sleep.

Chanyeol is definitely determined. He is not going to let Baekhyun say no to star gazing. You can tell he’s intelligent based on the way he manages to stir up Baekhyun just to get some sweet moments between the two. And the clumsy part was nailed simply through him causing coffee to spill on Baekhyun.  
 

Originality: 9/10

you picked a unique activity and built a sweet story between two lovers and gave a balance between the ups and downs.

Overall enjoyment: 7/10

Normally I avoid slash except for reviews but putting aside my prejudice I found it a charming little story, one that a lot of EXOtics would find cute. Also the fact there was no made me pleased.

Overall Score: 51/80

Good job, make sure you get a second opinion and thanks for requesting once again and waiting :)