Fanfic link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/386700/pretty-dresses-genderbender-sohee-hunhan-xiuhan-xiuchen

Title: 5/5

• Does it relate to the plot?

Yes it did it’s to do with dresses that are pretty.

• Is it a good length so between one word to one short sentence?

Yes it is two words is a good length.

• Are there any errors in capitalisation

None that I can see so good job

• Are punctuation marks used correctly?

There are none so it’s fine.  

• Is the grammar and spelling correct?

Yes
 

Forewords: 3/5

• Did it get my attention? 

Not particularly sorry. I think it’s because too much was revealed.

• Was the length feasible (between two sentences to two paragraphs)?
  
  It was a bit long so perhaps consider cutting it down.
   
• Were the colours and the style/size of the font easy to read?

Yes thank you for not using ridiculous colours in this.

• Did it tease the readers or tell them what was going to happen?

I think it did give away a bit too much so maybe cut it down to a few sentences? Let me give you an example:

“You just gave me a great idea,” Lu Han grinned as he grabbed Xiumin and pushed him onto the bed.

“What are you doing?” Xiumin nearly screamed as Lu Han roughly grabbed a dress and threw it at him. “You could have ripped it!”

 “Oh, hush,” Lu Han said as he rolled his eyes. He grabbed a pair of heels and threw them at Xiumin. “You know how to walk in them better than Sohee does,” he said as he pointed at the stilettos he threw.

“I know I do, but that doesn’t mean that you should try to kill me with them!” Xiumin exclaimed as he put the items onto his bed.

Plot: 8/10

• Did the story start of on a weak or strong foot?

I think there could be a little bit more happening but otherwise you did rather well.

• Were there any twists or turns?

Yes I honestly thought Xiumin would take Jongdae back so I was surprised he didn’t. Neither did I expect the other confession or Sohee becoming nicer.

• Was the plot mostly unpredictable?

Yes I didn’t really expect any of what happened to happen. It’s good to see this wasn’t a story where the couple breaks up and get back together straight away.

• Did the characters fit in with the plot?

Since the story isn’t finished from what I can see they are playing their roles out well.

• Did the settings and the themes tie in with the story?

Yes it was a good idea to make Xiumin interested in fashion designing so he wasn’t just a dude wearing dresses. I think there could have been a bit more detail Jongdae learning he was gay so if you do re-write maybe think about that for a bit.

Flow: 6/10

• Was the pacing steady enough to keep it going or did it lag or speed up in sections?

I felt that it was rather fast paced which means that the readers can go through each chapter in a daze. Consider adding a little more detail in.

• Did the story end too early or drag out too much?

It isn’t over yet so this doesn’t matter.

• Did each chapter have a good length or was it too short/long?

I felt that if you took away a lot of the spacing the chapters would be rather short. Please refer to my comment about the detail above. There’s nothing wrong with more detail but having a lot can water down the plotline and having too little makes it lacking.

• Did the plot get resolved or left hanging? If it was left hanging is there a sequel

It hasn’t been resolved yet but I hope that you do end this well. You can choose whether it’s realistic or not but either way make sure that it’s written how you would like it too.
 

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/10

• Correct spelling

Aside from one ‘enjoyable’ that I caught everything was spelled correctly.

• Grammar

From what I can see the sentences there were a lot of commas where they weren’t needed.

"I don't want to wear heels today," Xiumin mumbled as he slipped the top of the dress off so he could put the bra on.

This sentence by itself is rather long. Instead of a comma we can use a full stop to break the sentence into two.

"I don't want to wear heels today." Xiumin mumbled as he slipped the top of the dress off so he could put the bra on.

Other than this there wasn’t anything that stood out to me about your grammar so well done.

• Vocabulary

I felt that while it wasn’t extremely basic it could have been improved in some instances. I’ll provide you with a few examples.

"My head hurts like a woman in labor. Get up or we'll be late to class," Xiumin said as he scratched his stomach.

"Ew, you're still wearing the dress, you idiot. It just looks weird now that you're not wearing a wig," Lu Han stated as he wrinkled his nose.

Here I just changed the word ‘said’ since I noticed it come up a lot. I’ll give you some synonyms of said to get you started.

• Stated (to declare of assert, it can be in a matter of fact way)
• Retorted
• Snapped (when the character is cranky or annoyed)
• Moaned (if they are dreading something, someone or are not feeling well)
• Exclaimed
• Yelled
• Cried (can be used if they are actually sobbing or to say that they spoke loudly like yelling)

If you ever get stuck on a word to use consider a thesaurus. Your local library should have some or go online.

• Could I get a basic idea of what was written?

Yes well done I didn’t have to try and decode it or ask for a friend’s opinion.

• Correct use of tense?

Yes I couldn’t see any changes in the point of view so well done.

• Sentence structure correct?

With the speech I felt that the sentence structures lacked variation. I’ll give you an example of how it can be written to break up all the dialogue. Here is what you wrote.

“How do I look?” Sohee asked as she gave another twirl. Xiumin wondered if she ever got dizzy from twirling around so much. “Minseokkie, how do I look in this? Does it make me look fat?”

“You look fine,” Xiumin said instead of voicing out his honest opinion.

“Are you sure? I mean, I’m going to go out with Jongdae in a bit so I just wanted to know if it would be alright to wear this,” she said with a shrug. Xiumin began chew his inner cheeks at the mention of that person.

“Yeah, it’s fine. I’m sure he’ll like it,” Xiumin smiled before leaving the room. His smile fell as soon as he reached his own room. He was tempted to slam it shut but he ended up just shutting it gently and quietly like how he always did. He knew that Sohee knew who he liked. Everything that he wanted, she got. He sighed again as he pulled out his phone and called his best friend.

Now here is an example of what can appear if it’s re-written and had some re-arranging.

Sohee gave another twirl. “How do I look?” She asked. Xiumin wondered if she ever got dizzy from twirling around so much. When he gave no response she raised her voice a little. “Minseokkie, how do I look in this? Does it make me look fat?”

 Xiumin was going to express his honest opinion but ended up saying the opposite. “You look fine.”

“Are you sure? I mean, I’m going to go out with Jongdae in a bit so I just wanted to know if it would be alright to wear this.” She told him with a shrug. Xiumin began chew his inner cheeks at the mention of that person.

“Yeah, it’s fine. I’m sure he’ll like it,” Xiumin smiled before leaving the room. His smile fell as soon as he reached his own room. He was tempted to slam it shut but he ended up just shutting it gently and quietly like how he always did. He knew that Sohee knew who he liked. Everything that he wanted, she got. He sighed again as he pulled out his phone and called his best friend.

• Suitable punctuation and capitalisation?

Yes this was all correct so nicely done.

Characterization: 9/10

Three characters will be assessed and the points given accordingly

For the mains

• Could one relate to them?

I don’t think many people on AFF can relate to Xiumin’s struggles but for Luhan and Jongdae I would say that they are experiencing situations that do indeed happen regularly.

• Did they have their strengths and weaknesses?

For Xiumin his weakness is how he’s easily persuaded. Jongdae can be quite rude and impatient yet be rather charismatic. Luhan is supportive but biased towards his friend whom he has romantic feelings for.

• Was one drawn to liking them or loathing them appropriately?

Yes I think that the readers can like the main characters and the antagonist (which is Sohee and Jongdae at intervals) is disliked at the times that they are horrible to the main lead.

• Did their behaviour align with their character?

I think so. For an impatient guy Jongdae sure acted on impulse and Xiumin didn’t have to be told many times to do something before he acted on it.

For secondary characters

• Did they support any of the main characters?

Yes they did whether it was Kris who was Jongdae’s support, Sehun who was Luhan’s or Sohee for her brother Xiumin.

• Did they have suitable mention to not completely blend in to the background?

Sohee could do with a little more mention and Sehun will probably appear more towards the end of the story.

If there's only one main then the characters will be assessed differently and the score having to equal about or less than 10

Originality: 6/10

• Were there too many clichés?

I only noticed one cliché which is the best friend falling for their other friend. Otherwise there wasn’t anything else I picked up on.

• Did the story stand by itself?

Depending on how the story progresses and whether it drags out or is cut too short will determine whether this story can stand by itself. I gave you 2 marks here because it is too early to say.

Overall enjoyment: 3/10

• Is it a story I could read again?

Unfortunately I am not really a big fan of EXO so the most I could do is recommend it to friends that like the pairing. Otherwise it isn’t a story I would subscribe to and read again sorry.

• Could I relate to the characters?

Not really to any of them and I’m sorry for that. I think it’s because I haven’t cross dressed before or had a best friend confess their love to me.

• Was the length suitable for me? (between 20 to 60 70 chapters)

It hasn’t been completed yet so cannot say.

• Did I feel any emotional pull from the story?

I laughed at some of the things Luhan said which is good and I honestly felt sorry for Xiumin regarding the way that Jongdae dragged him about. Poor guy no one likes being taken somewhere against their will.

Overall Score: 48/70
Overall percentage 68%
 

I actually feel really bad about how low I marked you on overall enjoyment and hope that you won’t take it personally. Do keep writing the story and feel free to contact me if you have any areas of inquiry or other comments. Thanks for requesting once again.

Attention interested people if you do want a review then I will be opening up for another 5 spaces at the start of January so you can leave your request in a comment if you would like to and I’ll get onto them as soon as I can. In the meantime check out the stories reviewed or some of my own.