Fanfic link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/345883/

Title: 5/5

So far I can see nothing wrong with the title, the right words are capitalised and it isn’t overly long either. 

Forewords: 3/5

My concern with the foreword is that while it is the right format I’m worried that it gives away the main point of the story. Consider putting something where the readers have some if not a small idea of what will happen without being too revealing. When you've written more of the story then you can change this as you go.

Plot: 8 /15

Here we have a story which can end up being cliché if the author doesn’t take care in creating a storyline with unique twists and turns. Here we have the protagonist who has been in a challenge for however long to try and win the heart of a particular girl due to his cousin suggesting upon an agreement that if he failed he had to do what was requested of him.

At first I was afraid of how it would start. If it had begun with Taemin setting the challenge for Myungsoo then my interest in the story may have dropped. Fortunately it didn’t begin like that and starts somewhere in the middle where he’s tried to woo her and failed. The beauty of this is that it makes the readers curious as to what is going to happen in the story, how the challenge came about and why Jiyeon wanted to break up with her current boyfriend. It’s a good set up to a possibly very sweet love story.

It’s too early to say if the plot is bad or good so I’m giving just over half because I feel at the moment so far so good.

Flow: 5/10

The pace of the story seems to be going rather fast I was hoping for more of a back story between Myungsoo and Taemin before jumping into meeting Jiyeon and her boyfriend. Maybe add more to the first chapter where Taemin and Myungsoo meet up and have the break up of Jiyeon and Joonmyun in the next chapter. It would provide a cliffhanger and bring the readers to go to the next chapter.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15

Vocabulary is well done so you got 5 for that. Spelling is 5 as well. However on the grammar this is where there are a few mistakes.

For the first time in his life, he did a very shameful action: kneeling down and begging a girl to be his girlfriend.

The change of tense tripped me up a little bit is it meant to be in present or past tense? If it was past tense then maybe write it to be:

For the first time in his life he’d done a very shameful action:  kneeled down and begged someone to be his girlfriend.

Because I struggle with tense as well I am being a bit of a hypocrite here so shoot me people! I checked out the use of the colon and it’s been used correctly which is good. I removed the comma to make the flow a bit steady when reading it.

"Taemin, I don't think it turns out she is an idiot girl." Myungsoo cut him off.

Nothing wrong with the spelling except it was confusing to read. I’m guessing that Myungsoo’s telling Taemin that he doesn’t think a particular girl is stupid.

"Taemin, I don’t think she’s an idiotic girl." Myungsoo cut him off.

That’s just one way it can be written or:

“Taemin, I don’t think she’s an idiot.” Myungsoo cut him off.

The word girl is redundant which means you don’t really need it. ‘She’ already implies that he’s talking about a female so ‘girl’ can be removed. If you want to keep the word girl then perhaps try with:

“Taemin, I don’t think that girl’s an idiot.”

Play around with the sentence and any others and see what you prefer. The possibilities are endless.

"Isn't she absolutely silly girl who asked me to give something that no one would ever be able to give it?"  

The beginning of this sentence is missing something. I think it may be the word ‘an’. In English terms the use of ‘a’ is normally put before a single item or term that stands alone.

For instance instead of just writing: “he was goose” you would put, “he was a goose,” but there are times when putting an ‘a’ would not work: “he was stuffed.”

 The complicated part though is if a word starts with an ‘e’, ‘a’, ‘I’ or any other vowel you put ‘n’ after the ‘a’ so it becomes ‘an’. “He was a introvert.” “He was an introvert.”

Characterization: 8/10

I liked the bickering brothers in this. You have the opposite relationship of the normal brother relationship where instead the youngest one appears to have more wisdom or knowledge than the older.

There’s not really anything negative as such to say about Taemin for he has his morals here but isn’t afraid to be a bit aggressive if he feels the need to. Coming from someone who likes SHINee Taemin looks as if he would never hurt a fly so to see him portrayed differently was quite interesting.

As an Inspirit Myungsoo doesn’t really talk but as the main character having him silent would do no good to the story. The only concern I have with him is if he ends up dramatically changing like in the Japanese Drama Hana Yori Dango. It will be interesting to see what you decide to do with his character and how you develop it.

Jiyeon seems similar to her real life persona (I’m sorry T-ARA fans but something is off about her) and so far all I can say about her character is that the pairing between her and Myungsoo would be interesting. However I do realise that in the story she’s being honest, she expresses she cannot stand Myungsoo and with the two boys meddling in her love life well I would be annoyed too.

I’m not sure what to say about Joonmyun. Seems he’s sorry for what he did to Jiyeon and she wants to let go of him. He has rational actions, and his behaviour is normal for someone who had his conversation eaves dropped on. Whatever role he will have I feel that he’s a character in which you can have the freest reign in. You can take him out and have him come back in. Whatever you do is your choice and will because he’s flexible to use.

Originality: 6/10

The combination of idols is quite different from the usual ones. You have one idol from four different companies instead of a whole heap of stars from SM, JYP etc. It’s hard to say much else with only a few chapters but at the moment I would say that you don’t seem to be delving into really any clichés but one. Don’t change it just because I said that we all write with overlapping ideas at times.
 

Overall enjoyment: 4/10

Personally this isn’t the kind of story I would re-read again but that’s due to personal taste. Don’t take it personally please for there are a lot of readers out there who would really love this story more and already do.

Overall Score: 53/80 (can be changed)

It was hard to score it high due to there only being 2 chapters so if you wish when you’ve written more check back again soon and I can revise it so you get a better score. I did my best to focus on your characters over the other bits and pieces as requested. Thanks for subscribing by the way.