Fanfiction Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/125706/thank-you-for-saying-yes-comedy-drama-romance-tragedy-ulzzang

Title: 4.5/5

it catches the attention of the reader. It isn’t a long title that gives anything away. So you’ve done well there. However don’t feel you need to put symbols in the actual title but it’s up to you whether or not you keep it. Also one doesn’t need to capitalize all the words, just do the first, last and the important words so it would look like:

Thank you for saying ‘Yes’.

The comment about the symbol isn’t a big deal which is why only half a mark was deducted.

Forewords: 3/5

Wow it’s all so fluffy and colourful. At least the description of the story is only two lines but, they do give away what the story is about so consider changing it so that it gives a peek into the story without giving too much away. I can’t think of any examples right so I’ll let you decide since it is your story.

Ok that’s the good part. However I only deducted two points for the following reasons:

1.      You don’t need to put a character profile up for the whole cast. Isn’t that the purpose of the story? Make it exciting by hiding their traits, likes and dislikes until certain points in the story. Otherwise the potential readers will see it and think they already know the possible plot outline just from the character profiles

2.      The whole information area. No you aren’t the only one who has actually done this for their fanfic but it isn’t strongly recommended. If it’s rated then there should be that logo M in the foreword. By saying there is cursing and what not is a chance to spoil the plot and the readers would know what to possibly expect whether it’s rated or not. If you want an example of how the information is used wisely I would suggest taking a look at ErisChaotica’s fanfics. Here’s the link to one of them. If you still want to have the information area then I will suggest what you could keep in it:

-         Genre:

-         Rating (just the rating no other additional warnings)

-         Credit to the person who made the banner, poster, background etc

-         Length (I’m not to sure about this one so don’t take my word for it)

Plot:  12/15

 I was very pleased when I found that you didn’t actually use kpop stars in this one and that you choose ulzzangs/models. Though I do feel that putting ‘soundtracks’ in the beginning of the chapters can affect the appearance of the story especially if the music really isn’t suited to the theme of the chapter.

If you want to keep it then you can put it in the foreword and make an official soundtrack. An example of this can be found in SM five: the perfect mystery. 

The plot itself seems fair enough. There’s conflict already at the beginning which helps keeps the readers interested as they want to know what happens with JiHo. But who in the world keeps a gun in their home? Instead of a gun why not a knife? They have to eat so maybe he will go to the kitchen and take the biggest knife. Other alternatives can be, trying to hang himself with a couple of guitar strings or even overdosing on Chi Hoon or Tae Jun’s medication.

It also doesn’t seem to make sense that Ji Ho would give Dasom up so easily. If he was in love with her wouldn’t be more willing to fight for her? Instead he tells the president to take care of her and gives up. This could be changed so that he gives up for now to only put up a fight later on or he could plan to punch the president, strangle him and then tell him he can have her:

His hands tightened around the collar. The president’s face went blue as the air began to get cut from his throat. JiHo watched as his girls’ other man slowly started to lose consciousness. A thought came to his mind, he glared at the president. He released his grasp as the man slumped down catching his break.
“Enjoy her while you can,” he sneered. “Before I change my mind and take her back!” He slammed his fist into the open button door and stormed out of the lobby.

Flow: 6/10

Hmmm I didn’t want to be too nit picky but I’m finding that there aren’t really any paragraphs in your fanfic; mostly just one liners that are put by themselves.

So I’ll give you a regarding paragraphs:

-   Paragraphs are the subsections in a story, due to their size one paragraph alone isn’t enough to cover for a chapter which is why there are about thirty to forty (I will have to check this) to make up one chapter. In a paragraph a small area of the plot is covered, a small scenario; like for example in your story the one where we are introduced to the main character or in dialogue where one character starts to speak when the first person talking has concluded.

So here’s some fragments from chapter one:

She stepped out of the shower and wrapped a clean pink towel around her body.

She walked to her room and dressed herself into a white tank top which was covered with an over sized red hoodie jacket. She wore black skin tight leggings and furry, black ankle boots. She dried her hair and styled it to her liking and went downstairs to open up the shop.

Hye Ju admired her surrounding of blooming flowers with their fresh, sweet smelling auroma. She walked between two rolls of breathtaking flowers of all types. She walked to the door and flipped the open/close sign to We're Open!

Consider putting these three segments into a paragraph so it reads:

She stepped out of the shower and wrapped a clean pink towel around her body. She walked to her room and dressed herself into a white tank top which was covered with an over sized red hoodie jacket. She wore black skin tight leggings and furry, black ankle boots. She dried her hair and styled it to her liking and went downstairs to open up the shop. Hye Ju admired her surrounding of blooming flowers with their fresh, sweet smelling auroma. She walked between two rolls of breathtaking flowers of all types. She walked to the door and flipped the open/close sign to We're Open!

Doesn’t it look a lot neater? Now I can’t say that every split sentences can be put into paragraphs the only other comment I can make on this is the running of the sentences. In other words, sentences which are too long.

She blinked a few times before looking to her left, where she had to photo frame on her nightstand that displayed a photograph of a couple with bright smiles on their faces.

So this is one sentence but it’s nearly three lines long? Hmm what can be done to fix this? Simply you break it up:

She blinked a few times before looking to her left. She had a photo frame on her nightstand that displayed a photograph of a couple with bright smiles on their faces.

The difference between the sentence you just wrote and the one I edited is that I put a full stop after the word ‘left’ and then deleted ‘where’ so that the sentence would begin with ‘She.’ Don’t forget to capitalise the letters of the first word in a new sentence.

The final point which I noticed is there is a lot of repetitive use in the sentences. I counted five Shes’ at the beginning of the sentences. I am guilty of this too (check out this fanfic for proof) so I’m not going to be too hard on you. Third point of view can be hard due to the need for further description as the view allows for more scenery, events to be captured and described. I would suggest finding a way to remove at least three of the Shes’ so that when the two do appear then they aren’t close together. 

She stepped out of the shower and wrapped a clean pink towel around her body. Once this was done she walked to her room and dressed herself into a white tank top which was covered with an over sized red hoodie jacket. The bottom part of the outfit was black skin tight leggings and furry, black ankle boots. She dried her hair and styled it to her liking and went downstairs to open up the shop. Hye Ju admired her surrounding of blooming flowers with their fresh, sweet smelling auroma. She walked between two rolls of breathtaking flowers of all types. The last thing that was needed to be done was go to the door and flip the open/close sign to We're Open!

Not the best example I do apologise, but you can see how it limits the repetitive feel but keeps to what the topic of the sentence was about. The last thing I’m going to talk about is the changing in the events in each chapter. It was hard to read with the different flashbacks jumping back and forth. One moment it’s the present and the next we’re looking at something that happened three hours before. I suggest just for the sake of the future readers who may struggle understanding what happens that you put the flashback scenes in a new chapter. The good thing is it will help add length to your story and it will make better sense.
 

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15

Vocabulary wise you have a nice range. You aren’t over the top in the words you use which makes it easy for the younger readers to understand what it is that is being described. Good job.

Spelling wise I couldn’t see anything wrong either. I think this is probably due to me not being able to pick out any that stood out to me so pat yourself on the back, well done.

Though with the grammar I did notice a few things here and there; one is the use of commas. One would use a comma for the following reason:

-         To indicate a space where there is a pause. The pause is when the reader would take a breath if they’re reading it aloud.

Taemin turned his head, (break) his eyes fixed on her.

-         The other time is when there is a list and the use of bullet points isn’t suitable.

Everything about her was perfect. Everything was flawless from her legs, hair, eyes and nose.

The use of commas relates to the previously mentioned issue about run-on sentences.

She started to run through the halls, until she found an opened, empty restroom.

One of the commas can stay while the other can be removed so it reads:

She started to run through the halls until she found an opened, empty restroom.
 

Characterization: 7/10

Now this part is something which I’m afraid needs work. Some of the characteristics just seem cliché to me. While I can see that you’ve tried to not portray Rye Hye Ju as a Mary Sue through the use of a double personality but I don’t quite see the difference between the ‘imperfect’ personality and the ‘little-miss-perfect’ one. Thank God however you didn’t make her overflowing with aegyo; I don’t know how I would have been able to handle it if you had. Take that as a compliment because it is. Consider having more of her ‘darker personality’come out through the story with keeping some of the traits from the miss-perfect one.

Lee Hyang Suk is the antagonist I believe? From what I’ve gathered she’s rather vain and appears to put a high value on a persons’ appearance. Be careful with portraying her because if she is seen too selfish then the stereotype of the typical can be reinforced. Maybe put a reason to why she is the way she is and not because she was rejected by Ji Ho at first. Something like a child-hood issue which led to her being insecure about herself at first which was then transformed through the discovering of The Legends and becoming overly obsessed.

The good thing about Ji Ho is he is not cliché from what I’ve read so far. Usually with the rock star character they tend to be void of any if not all emotions but you’ve given him a soft heart which makes for good development. You could go either way with him, make him colder towards the end of the story or make him more vulnerable so that he wears his heart more on his sleeve.

Lee Donghoon, typical boy-next-door feel. The only difference is that he is in a relationship that seems to be one-sided. Other than that he’s seen as a dream boat for girls, can cook, captain of soccer team, positive attitude. Give him more flaws, maybe have him be a lousy cook though he tries or he screws up somehow causing him to be kicked off the soccer team. At least you can see through his thoughts about Hye Ju that he is human and has someone else on his mind as well.

Lee Dasom is well, I’m hoping for there to be some deep underlying reason why she is unfaithful to Ji Ho and not just because she likes or money. Otherwise the way to justify it would be making her a e.

I didn’t see anything wrong with Seul-Ki because she seems to be a minor character, hence a lot of emphasis doesn’t need to be on her and the same goes for the other band mates in ‘The Legends.’

Originality: 7.5/10

I don’t know why I even have to grade this. So if I consider the clichés I’ve found here I guess there are only 5:

-         The heartbroken boyfriend

-         The cheating girl who still loves the boyfriend she was unfaithful towards.

-         The boy next door

-         The friendly protagonist

-         The vain gold-digger

Half a mark for each one because as far as I’m aware originality is hard to conjure because ideas are always being recycled which means the most original of these aren’t always going be uniquely that of the writers’ and because this isn’t ripping off another story from what you’ve written so far.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

I don’t have a big problem with clichés if I can’t find them so I do find the story interesting and believe that it can do well provided the plot contains twists as well as development of the characters whether it be for bad or for worse.

Overall Score: 62 /80

Well done, feel proud. Don’t forget to get a second review or opinion on your fanfic.