Fanfic Link:  http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/543164/dark-ties-dark-romance-snsd-taeny-taeyeon-tiffany-yuri

Title: 5/5

Short, simple, easy to remember, no errors in capitals therefore this title hits all the marks so well done.

Forewords: 3/5

the description is definitely compelling although you can probably cut down on this to add a little more mystery into the story. One example of the part you can use is:

Both girls lived with monsters for half their lives. Both suffering, both lamenting, both oblivious to each other’s pain. What happens when fate decides to step in? Pushing them into each other’s lives… Will they end up in each other’s arms?

Another thing I would recommend is getting rid of the character profiles. It prevents the readers from finding out about their personalities through the story which is a bit of a buzz kill for some but not all. If you prefer then keeping the pictures up would be fine, just remove any detail about their personality and what happens when they meet the other.

Plot:  13 /15

For this story I did not expect a lot of the twists and turns that came or the cameos of other well-known SM Town artists so pat yourself on the back. I also liked how you brought in Jessica to save the day. It gave for a very much pleasant change.

Based on a reader’s point of view we expect them to fall in love based on the thoughts of each character as their point of view so nothing really to critique badly. So let me give you some suggestions to reel the readers in to keep them subscribed and reading.

1. Yuri. You have the chance to utilise another ship into your story to bring conflict. Why not make it that Yuri has feelings for Tiffany that she reveals soon? It would send Taeyeon into a spin and make her react on her attraction to Tiffany sooner than you can say instant macaroni.
    
2. Tiffany’s family. Why not put a really extreme twist on the deaths of her sister and brother? Maybe her parents were in a car nearby that caused the accident but to keep Tiffany under their wraps they pretended they had nothing to do with it.
    
3. Siwon, Taecyeon or Yunho. Have them reappear in the story kidnapping Tiffany or even Taeyeon with a high price to pay. Or even pick one of them to develop feelings for one of the two which would mess with the other (a chance to play with ual attraction identity crisis)
    
4. The past comes back to haunt them. Michelle or Leo actually survived the crash; the man Taeyeon thought was once dead turns out to be alive. They both deal with this together, one supporting the other.

As you can see you can have a lot of fun with the continuation of the plot. Have a good think and decide if any of these suggestions or one of your own would work best. Throw it in towards the end so the readers are thrown off guard after thinking your story is coming to a close.

Flow: 4/10

Just going to quickly mention here that you don’t need the large spaces between the paragraphs, for spacing usually just pressing enter twice would be plenty, especially if your paragraphs are only two to three sentences at most.

I feel that you could have added more to the chapters, such as description of how the characters behave and more to their conversations.

In the chapter with the flashback it felt as though it was being told instead of shown so maybe go back to that part and start to think of how would it feel if it was being shown to someone. What would the person see? What noises would they hear? How would they feel when witnessing and experiencing such a horrific event? Once you put yourself in Tiffany’s shoes it will not only help you draw out more for depth but also create more of an emotional pull as well.

Detail would also be appreciated in the areas that are menial regarding the storyline but would flesh out the plot in a whole (if that makes sense which I hope it does).

In regards to the romance I’m glad that you are taking your time with it and not going full throttle with it near the beginning. Keep it up because it keeps the readers reading.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15

Vocabulary I found little wrong with.  A few words could be substituted but otherwise I couldn’t notice anything that would affect further deductions.  Let me show you some I picked up on and walk you through some effective ways of changing them to make the story sound and look better.

Her aura made people tremble with fear, of their lives, but for me, it makes me feel strong.

Throughout your story you have some sentences that are rather long.  For this one it can be broken off between the lives and ‘but’; here’s how it would look if this was done.

Her aura made people tremble with fear, of their lives. But for me, it made me feel strong.

Long dirty blonde locks flowed perfectly past her shoulders.

Usually when you are list items whether its types of food, people etc then you would place commas between the different categories shared in the sentence. So here’s how it would look if you added these in:

Long, dirty, blonde locks flowed perfectly past her shoulders.

Note that I didn’t put a comma in after blonde because the list had been concluded at this point and was expressing the topic of the list. Does that make sense?

"Remember me Hwang?" applying force to the boot.

There’s a capital ‘a’ missing in applying and the sentence itself sounds a little awkward. Why not change it a little so that we get the full picture? This will show the readers that Taeyeon is pressing down with the shoe.

“Remember me Hwang?” She sneered, applying force to the boot.

Or if you didn’t want to keep ‘she sneered’ then it can be simply removed.

“Remember me Hwang?” She applied force to the boot.

"I'm gonna pay back what you did to me and Tiffany five years ago. And when I'm done, you won't even have the strength to say you're sorry," her voice menacing. 

We’re missing something at the end of the sentence and in the beginning. The best thing to do when it comes to writing is to re-read your work back to you starting from end to finish. That way you can pick up on things you may miss the first time you read.

“I’m gonna pay you back for what you did to me and Tiffany five years ago. And when I’m done, you won’t even have the strength to say you’re sorry.” She threatened, her voice menacing.

At the end of the day your readers understand what you were trying to say so don’t be too hard on yourself. Something that may help is to consider hiring someone to edit or get a beta reader. They can pick up on little mistakes that may slip through the cracks. I’ll also give you a link to a friend’s story which goes through grammar and writing in general.

Characterization: 5/10

I’m glad that for these two girls you gave them different causes from their pain such as Taeyeon’s past traumatic events with mobsters and Tiffany’s guilt from the loss of her siblings.

From what I can see you distinctly made Taeyeon rather sarcastic and cold from her pain whereas Tiffany is softer from her hurt and more vulnerable split into two personas. The two are almost opposites which I feel works well. Don’t forget to keep including their quirks such as Tiffany’s babbling and Taeyeon’s sharp tongue because it will help with the contrast between the two. Give us strong reason to love the protagonists and to dislike their parents and anyone else that stands in their way.

Originality: 7/10

Although the themes of abuse and gangs are common in the darker side of Asian Fanfics the way they were weaved in made me forget that they are commonly found. Well done there isn’t much for me to say here.

Overall enjoyment: 6/10

So far I am finding the story interesting to see where the two end up at the very end. You have a lot of options with the ending whether you want it to be on a happy or sad note.

Overall Score: 55/80

Congratulations on your score. I hope this has enough detail for you and if not then let me know where you would like more information.

Side note: I’m closing shop in 3 requests from now. It will only be for 2 months because well I’ve got a lot of fics to finish and a competition I’m helping out with so be patient and if you still want to request then you can and I’ll get back to you when I have time.