Fanfiction Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/46460/dueling-violins-korean-kpop-suju-superjunior

Title: 5/5

It is precise and to the point. This is good when it comes to writing stories. You instantly know from this that it has to do with the musical instrument and not something completely different. Make the v in violins capital though.

 

Forewords: 4/5

The foreword was actually in the description instead of the actual foreword (though I think other people do this too so which is why I didn't score this low. The only problem is that it gives away what the story is about. The idea of a foreword is to draw in potential readers so they have to read your fan fiction to find out what is happening. I would suggest that you pick a scene from it of your choice where it ends in a cliffhanger so the readers decide 'ok I will read this.' Possible scenes could be when Hazel is sitting on the roof in the dorm or even when she and Henry play their violins together. Give them an appetiser in other words so they have to eat the whole meal.

Plot:10 /15

It has different elements but it still is cliche in some parts. The main twists in the story are ones that would appear in other stories. The whole abusive boyfriend, being one of few girls with a whole heap of males, being a target of some group of evil guys. The whole idea of the past haunting her. It was similar to elements in other plots and had some unrealistic events (Yunho and Changmin grocery shopping for one) though the actual story itself was still her own There were some memorable moments such as Ryeowook meeting Hazel for the first time and being trained by members of Super Junior.

Flow: 10/10

Neither too fast or too slow it has the perfect pace.
 

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/15

"11 people huh? Why does Siwon-hyung not live here?"

Hyung is what you call a guy older than you only if you are a guy but for Hazel she would say Siwon-sshi or Siwon-ssi until she gets to know him and then may call him oppa if she wishes.

Better not to write numbers in numeral format but to write the actual word unless your story has numbers written numerically which I have found is the case in this sentence here:

"I know, I know. But I don't think I can get along with your 'fans.' The Strings maybe, the Honeys, and the ELFs, the real ELFs. But Only13s?

Really, Hazel? That’sso mature.

There’s a space missing here XD but it’s not really a big deal.

“Let’s walk? It’s just nearby anyway. About a couple of blocks away from here,” she said.

“I never knew it was just so close to the airport,” I said.

“Meh,” was all she said. I have a bad feeling about this. Hazel has a bad sense of distance. O.o

There’s a lot of use of the word ‘said.’ The repetition can be frustrating for some readers so consider using other words like:

Replied

Answered

Or even cutting out the added ‘said’ example being:

“Let’s walk? It’s just nearby anyway; about a couple of blocks away from here.”

“I never knew it was just so close to the airport.”

“Meh,” was all she said. I have a bad feeling about this. Hazel has a bad sense of distance. O.o

Notice how I took away the ‘said’? One of the rules of grammar is to eliminate any unnecessary words which are what can be seen here.

I was running out of breath and I was tired. Sheesh, I know, I knew better than to trust my sister with judging the distance, but why did I not suggest taking a cab in the first place?!

“Come on, Henry, I promise, just a little more,” she said.

For one sentence there are a lot of commas. Commas are used when you have lists or to indicate where to take a breath. The hi-lighted area can be said in one breath so remove the comma and change it to:

“Come on Henry, I promise. Just a little more,” she said.

I broke it up into two sentences which removed two commas yet enables the reader to still be able to breathe.

And for the first section there are commas which can be removed:

Sheesh, I know. I knew better than to trust my sister with judging the distance. But why did I not suggest taking a cab in the first place?!

Because of how long the sentence was, it is possible to break it up into smaller sentences than to leave it as one huge sentence.

Characterization: 7/10

Now I apologise if I am rather strict in this part but characters play an important role to story telling. The only problem was I didn't know if the author wanted her characters to portray what they could be like in real life or if they all had fictional personalities that are different from real life. So if I am way off when I critique this then please tell me.

For the main character Hazel I found her a little unrealistic at times such as when she screams at Taceyeon when she sees him. In the second chapter there is a claim that Hazel could be bipolar because of a mood swing, however bipolar is something which needs to be diagnosed and just because people's emotions change doesn't always mean that they are bipolar.

With Henry the idea of him being the older brother who didn't know what was happening is a little unbelievable. Seeing as those two are twins Henry should have some idea of when things aren't good with his sister or even suspect that something might be wrong. The fact that learning about what happened to his sister shouldn't come as such a great shock.

Nichkhun's character was fine but it was like he didn't have any schedules throughout the story and starting a fist fight with one of his group mates is something I cannot imagine him to do. As much as I'm trying not to shame Nichkhun and his fans what would have been realistic is if he'd pondered what he'd seen before taking action and then punching Taecyeon when he felt it was appropriate.

Now with Eunhyuk. He is a potential love interest to Hazel except I found out that Eunhyuk is usually shy with girls. Since this is the case he would be awkward with Hazel instead of being so open and friendly, he would even be afraid of going close to her and confessing to her would take longer than it did. I'm not sure if the author prefered Eunhyuk to be the one that Hazel ends up with or if it can be changed but considering the kind of personality he has in this fan fiction I feel that if it was Kyuhyun or Ryeowook in his place then it would be more believable.

Originality: 9/10

While there were elements that seemed like they came from other stories, the way they were weaved in made it unique and the author's own.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10

I liked the sweet moments which she uses as well as the changing points of view with some of the characters that was used sparingly but helped the readers get a different view on things. Also the idea of being a student at Julliard (?) was one that I found interesting. Despite the questionable adult content at one point when we learn what happened with Hazel the story is very clean with most swear words being censored.

Overall Score: 64 /80