Fanfiction Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/315094/forgive-me-child-angst-beast-junhyung-mblaq-romance-sliceoflife-yangseungho

Title: 5/5

No problems with it, it’s short and it sticks in your mind.

Forewords: 4/5

Foreword seems to be fine. Shame there wasn’t a small segment from the story though what you’ve written in red is enough to intrigue possible readers.

The trailer was alright, the transitions were a bit choppy though but I’m not going to critique it further :P.

Plot:  14 /15

It’s a very poignant story (yes I like that word and I will butcher the use out of it someday). When reading it you are taken into a story of a man reminiscing over his recently deceased wife and the journey he takes through her diary. It has romance, family, and friendship as the main themes as well as the journey the main character takes to discovering herself through her behaviour and her relationship with her favourite celebrity.

Most of it is written in first point of view except for the transitions between the letters and the characters, her husband Seungho, his close friend Sang hyun and Junhyung who read them.

Very moving; its light hearted in places but about 70% of it is family issues, struggles and a lot of other unexpected twists and turns. If you like happy cutesy stories then this won’t satisfy your appetite. I’m sorry this story is for those who can manage food that is more filling with more health benefits. Don’t misunderstand me Kat if I had to compare stories to food then I would say stories such as this one as well as maybe ‘Yesterday’s Fanfic’ is multigrain sandwiches or meals.

If there is anything to be concerned about is the purpose of the story. If you want to get recognition then it could be tricky considering the age of a lot of the users here and the sorts of stories they read but since you’re already a popular author, recognition should come a lot easier. But write for you because you’re the one that creates the blend of characters, plot and themes which make a story that applies to your own tastes.

Flow: 7/10

It wasn’t fast pacing but at the same time I felt some parts dragged on a bit at certain points. An example is the description in the first chapter as well as the sister Teresa part which I felt could have been omitted since it didn’t pop up again. I think it’s due to the description found in large chunks. Description is good in doses; in desserts it’s like the chocolate sauce on a sundae but have too much of it and then the customer are just eating sauce with some ice-cream on the side.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15

The first chapter felt full on with the description, there was a lot to take in. If one is writing for adults then this is fine but for a younger audience then don’t feel obligated to include too much. But since I know you Kat I know you write for yourself and so whatever you decide to do after this is your own decision and I don’t want to convince you to do something in a particular way just because it’s what I would do.

Your grammar, spelling and vocabulary is rather good, the only mistakes I found were a few ones with tense and choice of words.

“Coming,” he stood there and walked towards his cried daughter.

The sentence is understandable but the word ‘cried’ is past tense for ‘crying’ which is present. It’s a complicated thing at times, something even I struggle to understand so I’ll change the sentence to how I would write it.

“Coming,” he stood there and then walked towards his crying daughter.

His daughter is still crying from the sounds of it so I changed ‘cried’ and added ‘then’ because he walked to his daughter in addition to standing at the gravesite.

Sanghyun pushed one plate full of beef stake and another one, smaller, full of kimchi.

What we have here is a tricky word which is known as a homophone. This means it’s a word that sounds the same as another but are spelt differently. The ‘stake’ you have here is the stake you would use to pierce the heart of a vampire whereas ‘steak’ is the kind people eat. I’ll give a list of other examples:

Bear – endure, a furry animal: Bare – , unadorned
Sweet – kind, a confectionary: Suite – a fancy set of rooms
Great – excellent, better than good: Grate – a tool used to finely shred vegetables or cheese.

Don’t stress, these mistakes are minor and can happen to all of us which is why I only took off one mark because really they don’t weigh down the story as such or detract the interest in it.
 

Characterization: 8.5/10

I felt for Lyn Da during the story. To be bullied in school and break up with someone by cheating on him really does make one have sympathy towards her. Though she wasn’t physically in the story through the letters and accounts the readers get an idea of her character which is a unique but effective technique in this case. At times I didn’t understand why she did things the way she had but every reader doesn’t always relate to the main characters easily so I won’t be too critical for the other characters as well.

Lyn Da was a blend of a damsel in distress and also a girl torn in parts by the circumstances of life. At times I felt she was a little irresponsible when it came to her pregnancy and some other childish behaviour but it seemed part of her personality so I am not critiquing it heavily.

Seungho was a jerk throughout most of this. I liked him and then I disliked him and then I didn’t understand him. He sues a girl for stealing his and then a few chapters later he asks for her hand. I’m surprised he didn’t think it over a bit more but I think he did that because he knew it was the right thing to do. In the end he’s likeable as he seems willing to make it work with Lyn Da and so I finally liked him. He was moody, firm in what he chose in life and tried to do the best for everyone which can be seen with his affair with Gyuri though it was wrong he didn’t want her to die.

Junhyung I found was alright at times. His clinging onto Lyn Da in an unrequited love was sad at times and I expected him to move on and try again at the end but he stayed in a childish mindset which I wasn’t fond of. I found his character almost pathetic in some ways and not really contributing much except for when he stays with Lyn Da after she’s left Seungho.

Thunder was good for his minor role as the friend of Seungho and LynDa with him reading the letters to his friend. If he was meant to be a main character then there could have been more of a back story to him or glimpses of his life but if not then what was included was fine.

The other characters didn’t have much to worry about in my eyes and did their parts to have their small cameo.

Originality: 9/10

There were some borrowed themes in there such as the unfaithful husband trait and the love triangle but otherwise the story was woven well and the themes personalised and altered to work with the overall plot. I can’t see why this shouldn’t get more recognition so be happy with that.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

There was a lot for me to take in while reading and I had to go back to chapters a few times just to make sure I hadn’t missed any details. I’ve probably missed aspects in this story which would help the score so get a second opinion on it but otherwise it was a moving story that really gets you thinking about a lot of things, would you steal your biases /eggs?

Overall Score: 70.5/80

I found this review difficult but I tried my best to get everything I could down and give it the best score I could. I think the fact we’re friends made me worry that by scoring it low it would be a kick to your confidence as well as our friendship. However you have really improved over time and so I didn’t have to be too worried in the end.