Fanfic Link:  http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/439704/1/orange-garden-pop-collection-jiyeon-myungsoo-oneshot-romance-baekhyun

Title: 5/5

the title is more than fitting with this story so I’m not going to deduct any marks.
 

Forewords: 4/5

Since it’s a one-shot you don’t have to share a lot for the foreword because it would reveal a large percentage of the story. However I see nothing wrong with you using the section you did because it doesn’t give away anything important.

Plot:  12 /15

I did expect them to reunite in the rain as the title gave that away. But Myungsoo’s proposal was not which I thought was a bit of a nice change. However it seems a little weird that she said yes to him despite him leaving her bitter and angry at him. Also because there is no indication given as to whether they were still talking or not makes the proposal seem a little out of place.

My suggestion is why not lengthen the story so that they reunite but he asks for her hand later down the track so it seems more natural and fitting for the scene?

Flow: 8/10

The pace was good and not much unnecessary detail in the areas where it wasn’t needed. The part with Myungsoo and Jiyeon meeting again could be longer to draw out more of the longing feeling they may have felt and cause the readers to experience it.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15

The vocabulary I found was written well you had some great examples of metaphors and similes’ which worked brilliantly in describing the sky and how the rain fell on things. Some of the words used could be replaced with words that would work a little more effectively.

One example is Jiyeon squealed in pleased surprise. If your boyfriend whom you haven’t seen for a while proposed out of the blue, thought of you as hot then being pleased seems a little of an understatement. What about changing it to delighted surprise or joyous surprise?  

Also there were sentences that could be shorter in length. One example is:

The light showed her slim figure, her long legs and her already tight jeans were like a second skin to her.

It can be kept this way and just split into two sentences like this:

The light showed her slim figure, her long legs. Her already tight jeans were like a second skin to her.

Or if you wish to keep it to one sentence then we just have do some re-wording.

The light showed her slim frame, her tight jeans clung to her long legs like a second skin.

This way we can see that she is thin with long legs and the tight jeans are clinging to her.

There was nothing major I could see wrong with the spelling so the only marks lost were for some grammar.

Characterization: 6/10

It can be hard to characterise people in a one-shot so I will go with what I could notice in this story. Jiyeon seems to be how she appears in normal life, rather cynical and unfriendly at times which could be seen here when her boyfriend appears to him. I was kind of hoping that she would put up more of a wall but I guess it would drag the story out more if she did.

Myungsoo, well I was expecting him to be colder than he was in here. Though if I was him and wanted to see the person I loved the most then being cold would be the last way I’d act.

Well done on expressing their feelings through their dialogue and actions so keep doing it in the future as well.

Originality: 6/10

It’s hard to mark this area because clichés get recycled again and again. Jiyeon getting told off for day dreaming and her bitterness at Myungsoo leaving are normal actions so I’m glad you didn’t take us to fluffy rainbow clouds where the story feels as though your eyes have consumed a bowl of sugar.
 

Overall enjoyment: 4/10

As I’m not a fan of the pair I can’t lie and tell you that this story is a favourite and always will be. But you do well with this pair and having read one of your other stories before I think you’ve really improved.

Overall Score: 57/80

Well done and feel proud my friend and submitter. Come to me if you have further questions or for one redo.