2 weeks later….

Seo stared at the pregnancy kit she secretly bought during her lunch break.  She made sure Tiffany finished using the bathroom before she locked herself in the cubicle.

“No….please no…”  Seo could her heart beat roar in her ears.

The blue lines weren’t changing even as she blinks her eyes.

“Oh please… oh please….”  Seo felt like throwing up.

She wasn’t feeling any symptoms just like the last time. True she was sometimes dizzy but then again Seoul was in the middle of a heat wave in August as per the weather forecasters. Like everyone else she ate cold watermelon, sweet peaches and cold noodles.

CNBlue was in Taiwan for 2 nights after than they would head directly to Kuala Lumpur for 1 night  then Hong Kong for 1 night and 1 free day. Yonghwa would be gone for 6 days including travel time.  Seo didn’t know if she should be relieved that he wasn’t in Korea.

With shaking hands she dials Dr. Ra Miran’s office only to be told that the doctor was in the US attending a week long conference.

What if it’s like the last time?

How would Yonghwa Oppa react?  

How would CNBlue and FNC react?

The fans?

CNBlue was once again on solid footing in the Kpop world. They were talking about a North America tour and an English album.  Yonghwa wanted to go back to school and take his Master’s. He was going to read for a new drama soon and his CF for a Japanese men’s cosmetics line was in the works.  He had so many plans in his life. Marrying and having a child were not what she wanted for him right now.

You have only 1 functioning ovary so your eggs are limited.

Have at least 1 child before you’re 35.

Not ruling out ectopic pregnancy from happening again.

Seo almost drops the pregnancy indicator when she hears Tiffany calling out to her.

“Yah, Maknae - Myungsoo is looking for you already - your meeting started 5 minutes ago.”

“Coming!”  

Seo replies and splashes cold water on her face and quickly repairs what little makeup she had on for the day.  She runs out the bathroom and crams the kit in the deepest part of her handbag and locks it in her desk drawer. She was just glad that she’d prepared all the materials for the meeting before she went out.

When she goes to her meeting, L had a frown on his face, he was stickler for punctuality and Seo was usually punctual.

“Mianhaeyo Sunbae.” Seo bows and puts all the folders that they needed for the meeting. Efficiently she distributes the folders and sits down with her tablet.

Lately Seo was always assigned information gathering with L.  At first she wanted the active assignments but since there was no one to assist L - she had slowly taken on the job of assisting him.  Afterwards, she began to get interested in gathering information and building security strategies with L and the other senior bodyguards. Besides it meant more peaceful days with her Oppa. She was just in the office and that suited Yonghwa just fine.

Her latest assignment was a cyber attack on the security system of one of the biggest banks in Korea, Daehan.  The bank’s Board of Directors wanted an outside agency to handle securing the IT floor and finding out the source of the cyber attack. Dongwoo and L were heading this assignment with Seo.  Taecyeon handled the physical security aspect - together with Sooyoung - liaising with the bank’s security personnel.

“So you’re not ruling out the possibility of an internal leak?”  Taeyeon asks. “Have you checked out all the officers and personnel that have direct access to the security system in the main office?”

“Deh, Sunbae.” Seo responds. “All officers and personnel who have direct access have been vetted by the senior management.  However given your suspicious nature we’ve almost finished our own background checks.”

Taecyeon gives her a thumbs up. “You’re learning well Maknae.”

“I’ve been in touch with the company that made the bank’s security system - so far so good. There were no dismissals and the same team that made the system is still intact. Like Seo said we’re running our own background check on the software company - we’ll let you know if anything stands out.” Dongwoo adds.

“The cyber crimes unit is interested in this assignment of ours but I’m holding off on  giving them the entire story until we have looked into all the possible causes of the leak.  It’s a big issue if ever it becomes public - Daehan will lose a lot of their clients especially the big ones.” L tells the group.

“You mean the probably that the cyber attacker will show all the dirty laundry?” Sooyoung asks.

“That’s not a far assumption - we are still checking if the cyber attack was aimed at Daehan or if it’s aimed at one of the conglomerates that are the bank’s clients.”

Seo was busy taking down notes on her tablet.  Her mind was busy going thru all that was needed to be done. It was a good thing that Yonghwa was out of the country - she could go home later than usual.

“Seo is going to be swamped with everything we need her to do - Sunny will be coming in to help her starting next week.” L tells the group.

“Oh, the security detail for the Prime Minister’s wife is finished Myungsoo Sunbae?” Seo asks. “I thought it would be another week.”

“Madame has decided to cut her trip short - their eldest daughter is going to give birth soon and like any first time grandparents they are nervous so she wants to be present at the birth.  The Prime Minister will continue to stay in Myanmar with the delegation. Of course Seulong will still be with the Prime Minister.”

They were heading out of the conference room when Seo suddenly feels light headed.  She touches her temple.

“Yah - you alright?” Sooyoung asks. “Still getting headaches?”

“Ani -” Seo replies.

“You’re terrible at lying Seo Joohyun.” Sooyoung puts her arm on Seo’s shoulder. “How about Unnie treating you to taro ice cream?”

Seo’s face lights up and she nods enthusiastically. It was a current favorite among the female bodyguards and Tiffany.

“But Unnie it’s so hot outside how will we get the ice cream?” Seo asks.

“Leave it to me.” Sooyoung smiles and opens her mobile.  Seo just had to chuckle when her Sooyoung Unnie does a lot of aegyo so that her Kyung Ho Oppa would buy the ice cream and bring it to the SJS office.

“Wah - you’re shameless.” Taecyeon remarks.

“So you don’t want any ice cream Sunbae?” Sooyoung asks.

“Er - of course I want ice cream.” Taecyeon exclaims. “I meant it in a good way - you’re shameless in a good way.”

“I thought so.” Sooyoung replies.

Kyung Ho came and had a gallon of taro ice cream and a box of wafered cones. He was in a hurry to go a client’s office in a nearby building and told them to enjoy the ice cream.  Everyone in the office got their share but Seo took the ice cream container and finishes the ice cream.

“I’ve never seen you eat that much ice cream before.” L looks at Seo.

“Mian. I was just hungry.” Seo the spoon.

“Didn’t you go out for lunch?”  Dongwoo asks.

“I had some errands to do Sunbae - didn’t have time to eat lunch.” Seo replies.  It was true she didn’t have time because she drove to the farthest pharmacy she could find on the map and bought the pregnancy kit from there.

“What’s wrong? You’ve become pale Maknae.” Tiffany looks at Seo’s face closely. “I think you ate too much ice cream.”

Seo nods and clamps a hand on .  She all but ran to the bathroom where she vomited half of what she ate.  When she steps out of the stall she was shaking all over. She must be very careful or else  everyone would notice.

What am I going to do?

When she steps out Tiffany hands her a bottle of cold water. “Drink up - taro ice cream is not a substitute for lunch! I have kimbap in my lunch box go and eat some! Myungsoo is probably overworking you!”

“Am I overworking you Seo?” L asks when he goes by her table. Seo had just finished eating 3 slices of kimbap and told her Unnie that she was already full. Truthfully, Seo was just afraid to throw up again.

“No Sunbae - forget what Fany Unnie said. I was just too greedy for taro ice cream.” Seo looks at him and smiles. “Not to worry. Kyung Ho Oppa feels guilty enough as it is - don’t add.”

She worked steadily until 6 PM - putting her nagging thoughts at the back of her mind.  Time enough to focus on what was happening to her body when she gets home.

Dubu greets her enthusiastically when she comes home.  She gave the big dog food and water and took her downstairs.  Seo really didn’t have an appetite but she forces herself to eat. She made kimchi rice and saved a portion for her lunch the next day.

She was already in bed when Yonghwa calls.  He holds up a piece of paper.

Did you have a good day in the office Jagiya?

“Uhm I had a good day - did you have good day Oppa?  Everything all set for the concert?” Seo asks.

He scribbles on the paper then holds it up.

Everything is set.

He smiles.

“That’s good.  I saw the pictures on the internet - CNBlue had quite a crowd greet you in the airport. At least your security was adequate.”

He nods his head and gets another piece of paper.

Miss you.

“Miss you too.”

Love you.

“Nado.”

He scribbles once again and holds it up.

J J Hyung has a present for you.  It’s with Manager.

“Really? He’s so sweet.”

He pouts and shakes his head.

“Alright you’re the only one who’s sweet. He is kind.”

He smiles and nods his head.

Just then they hear a knock on the door.

“Time for you to go Oppa.  Be sure you change your shirt between sets. I’ll check with manager.”

He nods his head and holds up his palm to swear.

“Bye Oppa - love you.”

He puckers his lips and gives her a kiss.

When they end the connection Seo starts to cry.  They would never have the same life that they were living now.  It would change drastically.

She opens her laptop and once again reads up on ectopic pregnancies. The chances of it happening again was less than the chances of her having a normal pregnancy - it calmed her a bit.  She read the medical notes that Dr. Ra Mi-ran gave her. Seo was very lucky that during the laparoscopy procedure the doctor also widened her tubes making it safer and more possible for the fertilized egg to be correctly placed in the womb.

Seo holds her stomach protectively. There was no doubt in her mind that if it wasn’t ectopic she would continue with pregnancy.  This may be her one and only chance to have a child.

Oppa’s child.

She still didn’t know how she would tell him.  He was so busy right now. He would sometimes come home tired and irritable. Seo knew that he always went out of his way to make time for her - even just for a few hours - like the week before he left for Taiwan.

“Oppa are you home?” She looks at the sneakers at the foyer. Her Oppa had a lot of shoes so she wasn’t always sure if he was wearing this pair today or if he’d just forgotten to put this pair away and wore another pair.

Dubu barks and runs to the bedroom door - her paws scratching at the door.  Seo peeks inside and sees Yonghwa sleeping.

“Appa must have gotten home early.” Seo pats the dog’s head before heading to the kitchen.  Dubu’s bowl showed that she’d been fed and the water in the drinking bowl was half finished. “Appa fed you already.  Did he take you out? Ah - he also made dinner. Hmmm...the bulgogi stew looks tasty.”

Dubu barks and goes to her basket and holds the tennis ball  between her jaws.

“Ah no - when Appa wakes up maybe he can play with you.”   Seo takes her phone out and looks at her calendar. Yonghwa had to go back to FNC after dinner to check on the tracks for the 2 new songs he was working on.

“Jagiya are you home?”

Seo hears him and goes to the bedroom.  “Oppa, you didn’t tell me you were coming home early. Thanks for making dinner.”

“Didn’t want to bother you. Heat up the stew already I’m hungry.”  Yonghwa said. “But before that come here and let Oppa kiss you.”

Seo was smiling as he gathers her in his arms. His body was warm  and she kisses his neck. “You smell nice.” She whispers.

“Took a shower after cooking then slept.  I’ll be home late Jagiya. Hopefully the tracks are now okay - I wouldn’t want to have to re-do everything.”

Yonghwa had thrown a fit when the sound engineers told him that the tracks they’ve been working on had issues.  They were on a tight schedule and messed up tracks delayed them considerably. But being Yonghwa, he apologized for his outburst and bought food and coffee for everyone.

“Uhm - I know.” Seo replies. “Now I’ll set the table while you dress up.”

“I’m going at 10 so we can still watch 2 of your dramas.” He holds out his hand so he could pull her up. They have their usual quiet meal - with Seo complimenting Yonghwa on his cooking skills. Yonghwa ate the fruits that she peeled for him even as he kept making choding  remarks about the dramas that Seo was watching until she got very cross with him.

“Oppa don’t watch anymore!” She points the paring knife at him.

“Now - now don’t get violent - see this is what happens when people watch dramas - they get dramatic!”

“So I won’t watch any of your dramas then!”

“I didn’t mean that! Seo Joohyun stop being cross - I was only teasing.” He laughs and puts the paring knife at the edge of the table and then takes her hand - not stopping until he puts his arms around her.

“Oppa  always teases me!”

“There’s only the 2 of us here - who else will I tease? I’ll tease Dubu! Dubu-yah from now on Appa will only tease you!”

“Oppa! Choding! You made me miss their conversation -”

His only response was to keep kissing  the tender skin behind her ear until she was laughing and telling him to stop.

“Alright I’m not irritated anymore - Oppa give me the paring knife….”

He gets the paring knife and smiles at her. “Say please.”

“Please.”

“With a kiss….” He puckers his lips.

“Ah cham...Jung Yonghwa!” Seo exclaims but she kisses his puckered lips anyway.

It was almost daybreak when she comes to a decision. She needed time to think about how she would tell Yonghwa.  She needed to be alone - to plan, to reason out, to placate, to argue.

“Mustn’t be a burden to Oppa. To Samchon. TOP Oppa and Dara Unnie.” She whispers as she puts the collar on Dubu.  “You need to stay with Samchon first Dubu-yah - Omma has to think about many important things. Be good alright?”

Seo files for a leave of absence for 3 days via email.  She knew Tiffany would ask why so she reasoned that she had to do some things for Yonghwa’s parents.  She hated having to lie but she couldn’t tell the truth - at least not just yet. She would come back but maybe not in 3 days she felt sad because they would be disappointed with her.

Next she uploads all the files that her Myungsoo Sunbae would need in the coming days to their shared server.  Being Seo - she was meticulous and detail oriented - all the information that L and Dongwoo needed were already available. She tells him that she was sorry for having to leave abruptly and would accept any scolding when she comes back.

She packs lightly - she could make do with just plain everyday wear. It was still dark when she takes Dubu to her Uncle’s house - his long time housekeeper just nods her head as she takes Dubu’s lease.  Seo thanks the old woman and reminds her not to feed Dubu food scraps.

In the early hours of the morning she had already decided on where she wanted to go so that she could think.

Daegu - were her mother and uncle were born and spent their early childhood years before her grandfather moved their family to Seoul.  So Ji Sub still maintained the old traditional farm house in Dalseong County. Seo last visited there with Dara when they were recuperating from their injuries from the car crash.

The sun was just rising when Seo heads out of Seoul for Daegu. The 3 hour drive would be good for her - the quiet time with just herself for company.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

“What do you mean Seo took a leave of absence? Is she sick?” L looks at Tiffany.

“She said she had things to do for Yong’s parents. It was quite sudden. Besides she uploaded everything in the server.”

“That she did.” Dongwoo sits on L’s chair. “I saw it this morning - she uploaded at 2 in the morning.”

“My chair. My desk. My computer.” L looks at Dongwoo.

“Ah mian. I don’t have a desk of my own here. I’ll sit on Seo’s chair for the mean time.”

Everyone was busy that day and no one really found Seo’s absence strange.

TEXT : Oppa I’m texting you because I don’t feel well can we talk tomorrow before you leave for KL?

TEXT : Okay. Take care of yourself.  I sent photos of JJ Hyung and myself to your phone.

TEXT : Ara - I saw. You were still in the shirt you wore for the entire concert! I can see the sweat ! You forgot to change your shirt! Again!

TEXT : Ah - Oppa thought you were sick.  

TEXT : I am.  Don’t change the topic.

TEXT: Jagiya - it’s after 1 AM there - sleep now.

TEXT: Alright. Let’s not quarrel.

TEXT: Jagiya - 4 more days then I’ll see you. Bogoshipo.

TEXT: Nado. Saranghae Oppa.

TEXT: Saranghae Seonah.  Good night.

Seo closes the mobile and wonders how long she could keep up the charade that she was in Seoul.  

Not for very long.

Text :  Seonah - Oppa cannot video call tonight.  We’ve been requested to have an impromptu meet and greet at Bukit Bintang.  Have to sleep early. Sweet dreams - take care of yourself for Oppa. Saranghae. Talk to you when we get to Hong Kong.

Seo closes her phone.

Reprieve.

“Why is Seo still not here?  It’s been 3 days right?” L looks at Tiffany.

“Do you need anything?” Sunny asks. “It’s only been 2 days.”

“Not really - just curious. Is she still in Busan?”  L replies.

“Is she answering your emails and texts?” Tiffany asks.

L, Dongwoo and Sunny all nod.  Seo was in contact with them - responding to texts even late at night.

“She’ll be here the day after tomorrow.” Sunny tells them.  “Maknae is very responsible.”

That day in Daegu, Seo was feeling decidedly unwell.  Like she was coming down with the flu. Once again she calls Dr. Ra Mi-ran’s office but this time making an appointment as soon as the lady doctor returned.

She postponed her morning and afternoon walks and just stayed in bed. She also tried not to answer emails from the agency as soon as she got them - she was supposed to be busy in Busan.

By the early evening she was beginning to get worried.  There was cramping again but no bleeding. Seo willed herself to relax  and distracted herself by watching CNBlue fan clips on YouTube.

“Silly - silly Oppa.” She murmurs as she watches Yonghwa make his usual funny faces to the crowd.  She lets his voice soothe her - that raspy and clear voice - eliciting applause and chants from the fans.

Could he still continue if he had a wife and child?

Would the fans leave?  

Minhyuk, Jungshin and Jonghyun - would they resent her?

Seo’ s face was still wet with tears when she falls asleep.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Agassi...Agassi….” The nurse holds Seo’s cold hand. “The resident is coming.”

At 4 AM the next day Seo had driven herself to the nearest hospital. In a rapidly tearful voice she told the emergency staff that she was afraid she was having a miscarriage.  She was quickly made to lie down.

“Miss Seo...can you tell me how far along are you?” The female resident asks Seo.

“Not sure….I...had an ectopic pregnancy….6 months ….ago.” Seo said thru trembling lips.

“Is there anyone we can call?  Your doctor?”

“She’s in the US for a...a...conference.  Dr. Ra Mi-Ran.” Seo hands her a folder.

“Ah - maybe the OB-GYN  Department Head knows her...let me check.”  The young woman quickly dials a number.

“Ssem - annyeonghaseyo - mianhaeyo for bothering you so early in the morning.  We have an emergency patient here who says that she had an ectopic pregnancy 6 months ago….deh… she has cramps she said but no bleeding….yet.  Deh, she has papers with her. She had a laparoscopy - deh, by Dr. Ra Mi-Ran. Should we wait for you Ssem? The patient is very worried. Deh, Ssem...kamsahamnida.”

“Dr. Chae Shi-ra will be here in 30 minutes Miss Seo. Are you comfortable now?” The resident looks at Seo.  “Don’t stress so much - you must be so anxious to know about the pregnancy - I’m sure we’ll be able to know as soon as Dr. Chae comes and looks at you.”

Seo wills herself to relax.  The nurse had already come in and asked for her guardian but Seo put her off and told her that she would wait for the doctor to tell her if she should be confined.  

After 30 minutes, a stylishly dressed woman comes in followed by the resident and 2 more residents.

“Miss Seo? I am Dr. Chae Shi-ra.”

“Deh annyeonghaseyo.” Seo whispers.

“What are you doing here in Daegu?”  The lady doctor looks at Seo. “ I called Mi-Ran as soon as I got off the phone with the resident. She’s very worried about you.”

Seo felt her face heat up.

“Now - there is no bleeding according to the record here.  Schedule a transl ultrasound right now. Let’s know what’s really happening  - I promised Mi-Ran I’ll call her as soon as the result comes in.”

When they wheel her into the cold sterile room Seo felt her heartbeat accelerate. She dreaded hearing the same words again : "It’s ectopic - I’m so sorry."

“Don’t be afraid.” The resident holds Seo’s hand.

Seo nods. “Thank you Dr. Bae.”

The resident smiles and squeezes her hand. “Call me Dr. Woohee.”

“Now hold still and there maybe discomfort - I’m sure you’re familiar with the procedure.” The lady doctor tells Seo.

Seo takes a deep breath and tries to hold still.

“You’re trembling so much - let’s not get ahead of ourselves - Mi-Ran told me that you have only 1 functioning ovary - I understand your fear - relax - relax….”

Seo nods her head and once again feels the warm hand of the resident. In that cold sterile room she really could not calm herself.  She starts gasping for air when she feels the wand enter her - she was so afraid of knowing. Tears leak from her eyes.

Dr. Chae looks at the resident and nods her head. “She’s hyperventilating - make her relax.”

The resident puts a small cotton pad under Seo’s nose.

“She must be so scared.” Woohee looks at the OB-GYN.

“Have you contacted her guardian yet?” Dr. Chae asks.

“The patient said she wanted to wait if she was going to be confined.”

“All done - let’s take her to private room.”

“We’re confining her Ssem?”

“That’s what Dr. Ra Mi-Ran wants - regardless of the outcome.”

“Very well Ssem - I’ll make the arrangements.”

- - - - - - - - - - - -

“Hello this is Dr. Ra Mi-ran can you put me thru President So please.”

“He’s in a meeting in Jeju and will not be back for the 3 days. Do you have message Ma’m?” Tiffany asks.

“This is my number - please have President So call me at once.”

Mi-ran grunts when she closes her mobile.  Then she calls her secretary again.

“Yebin! Why didn’t you tell me that Miss Seo called twice already? She might be - ah - never mind - just call the hospital and ask if they have the contact number for her guardian. I already have President So’s number - I need another number - yes, that guardian - and do it discreetly - in 10 minutes - my flight is going to be called soon.”

“Hang in there - hang in there….” Mi-ran sits down and dials another number. “Tim! It’s Mi-ran - I need a favor….”

-- - - - - - - -  - - - - 

“Deh, this is Jung Yonghwa’s phone.” Manager Bruce answers the call.  The phone already had 4 missed called from the unknown number.

“This is Dr. Ra Mi-Ran - can I talk to Jung Yonghwa please?”

“Uhm - the concert is still ongoing - can I know what this is about? This is FNC Manager Bruce.”

“Tell him Dr. Ra Mi-Ran called and he needs to call me as soon as possible. Urgent. Do not forget!”

2 hours later…..

“Yong...Yong….”  The FNC managers took hold of Yonghwa’s wrists as soon as CNBlue left the stage.  CNBlue had 3 encore numbers and the their frontman was sweating so much.

“What?”  He asks as they usher him into the dressing room.

“Everyone out!”  One of the managers tell the staff.

“Yong - uhm ….call that number.”

“But….”

“The lady said she said you should call her - anytime…..she said she will answer.  Also Seo’s Uncle called - is there anything wrong?”

“I don’t know….did the lady leave her name?”

“Dr. Ra Mi-ran.”

Yonghwa stared at Bruce and clutched at his mobile. “Dr. Mi-ran? Dr. Ra Mi-ran?”

“Yong!” The managers chorus  as Yonghwa turns as white as a sheet. “Sit down! Sit down!”

With trembling hands he dials Dr. Miran’s number but could not connect.

“Yong - call President So….”

Yonghwa just nods - for some reason he was starting to feel afraid- he could not think straight.

“Sir - it’s Yonghwa -Dr. Mi-Ran called me….what? Where is she? What happened? No - she didn’t tell me….what? I didn’t know….” Tears run down his face. “I’ll take the first flight home Sir - please go to her….tell her I’m on my way….”

Yonghwa closes the phone and starts to sob.

“Yong- what is it? What happened?” The managers crowd around him.  “Tell us….”

“Open the door! Hyung! Open the door!” Outside - Minhyuk, Jonghyun and Jungshin took turns banging on the door.

When one of the managers opens the door the 3 rush to Yonghwa.  “What happened? Hyung! Did something happen?”

Yonghwa was so overcome that he couldn’t speak - he couldn’t stop crying.

Why? Why?  Why did you not tell me?

Seonah!

How could you just keep this to yourself!

In a voice thick with emotion Yonghwa tells his managers to bring him home to Seoul at the earliest flight.  His things could follow later - he wanted to leave for the airport right now.

“Yong - we can’t just -”

“Now - I want to go the airport now.  Bring me there or I’ll call a cab - I’ll buy the ticket there - no one needs to go with me. I have to go!” He tells the