March 20th 2009, Friday

Heyy, it’s been awhile that I didn’t write here. Hum, spring has come. Finally I’m in 11th grade. Nothing has changed. It’s still bit cold and my blood pressure is still really low. I hope I could attend school more. Mom is being overprotective. I hate it :(

Did I just say “I hope I could attend school more”? I didn’t usually say it, did I… hehe… I still have no friends, which is not my fault, everyone is just stupid. Well, except my movie club buddies, I kinda like them. Especially this new comer. Well, there are three of them, two girls, one boy. Those girls are in drama club too, so they hope movie club will help them improve their acting. Park Soojoo is the tall, gorgeous, by gorgeous, I mean really gorgeous, she’s other worldly gorgeous, if I were a girl, I’d like to be Soojoo. She’s tall… ah, I already said it. Now I’m exposing my insecurities ~_~

The other girl is Park Jihye, she’s cute, outgoing and such, no wonder boys like her the most. Ah, that’s the difference between Jihye and Soojoo. Though she’s friendly too, Soojoo has this cool aura around her, you can’t really touch her, she’s like your majesty! Uh, I think I’m officially her fanboy right now. But wait, her beauty is nothing compared to this 3rd newcomer. His name is Ahn Daniel. Other students will definitely laugh at me if they hear me saying this, but Ahn Daniel is totally beautiful. I’m not sure if it was because his face features or he has this dazzling charisma radiated from him? He was so natural around people, though he’s my junior and practically new in this club, he could carry himself so well. I have weak spot for extroverted people, I guess... I really want to talk to him. Today I just introduced them to the other members, explain our program and such. What should I do… I have to talk to him in the next meeting!!

March 27th 2009, Friday

Today…. Finally….

I TALKED TO AHN DANIEL.
BUT
 not in a conventional way. Aaaah why am I such a babo?!
When I was moving away one table so I could sit on the chair behind it, I accidentally hit Daniel. On his hip! Ouch, couldn’t imagine how hurt it wasㅠㅠ. He then automatically yelled at me 
“YAH, be careful!”, he said that so rudely ㅠㅠㅠㅠ
I know it must be really hurt ㅠㅠ
Daniel, I’m really sorry ㅠㅠ
I’m always so oblivious around people, moving table so ignorantly like that…
I couldn’t say anything once he yelled at me. I hope I showed him a remorseful face but I think my face couldn’t express nothing but upset. I hate this face~! People always misunderstood me.

Jihye noticed that Daniel yelled at me and with uncomfortable atmosphere between us, Jihye whispered to him; “Hey Daniel, he’s our senior”
I was like; “Really?! Ahn Daniel you didn’t know that I’m your senior? DIDN’T I INTRODUCE MYSELF YESTERDAAYYYY” ㅠㅠㅠㅠ

Daniel then looked at me filled with guilt. Hehe, the way his eyes widened and he opened his goby lips hehe so cute…
“A~! hyung, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to be impolite”, he said while he casually rounded his arm on me!. He’s too friendly. I was going to die.
You know what Daniel, no one, none of my junior ever called me with hyung in the first meeting. No one ever rounded his arm on my shoulder in first meeting… I guess you’re just different, aren’t you?

I really couldn’t think straight so I just shrugged and showed simple reaction; “It’s okay”
I don’t know… I think I was still frowning hh
But when I thought I’m totally screwed he said;
“I thought you’re in the same year as me, really… Look at you, you’re so cute. Don’t you think, guys?”, he even spared his time to look at his friends for approval… but he just wanted to tease me, didn’t he?

Me: “I’m short right… that’s what you want to say?”
Daniel: “YEAH, YOU’RE TOO SMALL. BUT I THINK IT’S CUTE”



He grinned so widely like he could my soul away with it… what is it, I can’t even find the perfect metaphor to describe it. Ah, Daniel… It’s love at first sight, right? Now that I know you like to tease me like this…. Made things way harder for me, you know

April 17th 2009, Friday

SOOJOO LIKES TARANTINO. I mean… how many people in my life that actually know Tarantino?!?!?!. Well, Jeongmin knows Tarantino but he doesn’t know Tarantino the way I know Tarantino and Soojoo is like… waaay cooler than him.

Today we watched Godard’s Le Fou, it’s Soojoo recommendation. Hum, I always want to watch Godard’s… Soojoo likes classics doesn’t she. Ah, she’s just…………. Out of my league.

 Out of my league since……………

Daniel likes her………….

Everyone knows……………… It’s obvious ㅠㅠ

The way he looked into her eyes, oh God, those beautiful cat eyesㅠㅠ. The way he opened the door for her, the way he protected her from the crowd every time they walk together. The sincere face he showed every time he laughed at her jokes. I’m no one compared to Soojoo, if Soojoo was a warm tropical beach for holiday, I’m just a rustic old hut in the forest. No one wants to visit me… now I feel so pathetic hehe. I am pathetic… It was confirmed then, his words about me being cute was pretty much nothing. Well, yes indeed! BYUNGHUN-AH! Wake up! He just teased you. You’re both guys
ㅠㅠ

Why do I love to watch Niel so closely like that though?
Ah. Did I just called him Niel…. it’s cute isn’t it? NIEL… hehehe

NIEEEEL
NIEL-AAAAAAH
Niel… Nielie… Nieeliiieeee

If I called him Niel, would it be weird? I should try it though? Hmmm let’s see… I rarely meet him outside the movie club. Well, I always see him in corridor somewhere, I don’t know why I automatically avoided him every time I saw him with his friends. He… I mean, they looked really annoying together hahaha… it’s like popular gang walking around and told everyone that they’re the cool ones you know, showing off. But he always flashed his eyebrows every time he noticed me hehehe Niel… just a simple eyebrows flash can make my heart stop. Seriously, this . Totally .

April 24th 2009, Friday

School is BBBBoOOOoooOOOoOoORiiiing. 
If I couldn’t get any attention when I presented my research about Joseon Dynasty, is it my fault? The teacher liked it. But the class liked Jeongmin’s presentation more, and he was really humble about it… it made it more annoying, since I was the one who helped him doing the research~! Aaang… I should be less helpful but he’s my friend~! I shouldn’t help him that far I guess?. Friendship is complicated. I should learn more about it. Or should I just abandon this so called friendship?

Is it better that way? I like being alone but the feeling of being excluded is bit… hhh. Mom, I think the time when I can be happy with just collecting rocks is actually better. I don’t know what human interaction was or what it had to do with our personality and such back then. But you always say that I should make some friends, right? Now that I tried to make some I got hurt. What is it. What are these tears. I’m crying for useless thing like this. I should just tell Jeongmin about what I feel but he’s gonna hate me… Smiling was way easier and socially acceptable. That’s it, isn’t it? “socially acceptable” who made such rules which one is acceptable and which one is not.

I’m babbling right now. When I was older and read this journal, I’m just gonna see the sad, miserable teen me, right…

The only thing that keep me going today is probably the thought of seeing Niel in movie club in the evening. But he wasn’t there, Soojoo told me that he had a detention with his friends. What on earth that fish was doing! I overheard Soojoo’s conversation with Jihye, I think the school caught him and his friends smoking near the gymnasium. Hmph. I know that’s his fav spot. So after watch Jim Jarmusch’ Coffee And Cigarettes today I know that;
1. Soojoo LIKES Jarmusch. Even Jeongmin doesn’t like Jarmusch. God, can you switch Soojoo with Jeongmin as my classmate pleaaaase
2. Soojoo also LIKES Niel. I think yesterday Niel asked her to eat somewhere but Soojoo already had an appointment with her friends so she had to say no. Jihye said that it was very cruel to push and pull like that. I’m just a creep that overheard their conversation, but I know that Soojoo seemed sincere with her reasons. Now I’m defending her (in this journal) what did I do… I like AHN DANIEL. Soojoo, if you had second thought with him you can give him to me…

I actually saw him later in the day… went out from detention room. Should I talk about this? I should just forget him, shouldn’t I? It was really a fate between us, wasn’t it? Mom hadn’t pick me up and I just walked to the infirmary to rest, and there he was, walking alone and he noticed me.
“Hyung~!”, he called me when I pretended to be busy with my mobile.
“You must be going to the infirmary huh, your fav place”, he smirked.
“Yeah”, I just answered him short. He…. knew…. I was in the infirmary… a lot. But well, yeah, gymnasium is near the infirmary, so…

He just giggled at me like usual and waved me a goodbye, I saw his back shone by the sunset and… maybe because I was upset with Jeongmin issue that I finally called him;
“NIEL~!”

He didn’t turn his back at first.

“DANIEL! NIEL!”, I called him again. And he turned his back; “What? Did you call me, hyung?”, he threw his cute confused face to me.
“Niel~!”, I called him again. He smiled like he knew I was playing with his name.
“WHAT?!”, he chuckled.
“NielNielNiel… I just want to call you that”

It was probably just a half minute long, but it felt like forever, I had to tell myself to keep looking at him when he looked at me unsurely. 
“Tsch, you’re weird”, he chuckled and he walked away. Just like that. He called me weird.

But I remember that smile. NIEL. NIELIE! I’ll keep calling you that so you can call me weird again, and smile at me. Don’t you know that after you smiled at me I forgot all my sadness before, like right now, I’m writing this, and remember your smile, makes me really reaaally happy already. Hehe, Nielie, thank you.

June 12th 2009, Friday

So this afternoon it was like 20ºC outside, I don’t know why or how that our little auditorium was so cold, someone put the aircon at 16ºC?! who turned aircon at this temperature? Is 20 too hot for you guys? I don’t get it. But seemed like everyone didn’t mind, I felt like an oldman sometimes ㅠㅠ

We watched Jeongmin’s recommendation today, which is… another Scorsese’s crap; Raging Bull. Talking about cold and boring movie -___- but it was so cold that I couldn’t even sleep. I wore the uniform sweater already, it must be awkward if someone saw me layered it up with yet another piece of the exact same uniform sweater. When in fact, I guess no one took a notice on me. But but I was bit late so I sat down in front, everyone could see me right? Hh, so I gathered my courage to walked up and sat on the corner. Niel was on the other side of the room, I took glances at him thousand times, making sure that he didn’t see me putting on another sweater. But then, after I made it, he stood up and went outside. For a good 10 minutes he was gone, but when he was back… guess what…

HE BROUGHT THE AIRCON REMOTE CONTROL AND TURNED UP THE TEMPERATURE.

He then smiled at me and sat beside me. My body was all shivered and he had to sit beside me??? My heart could stop anytime. And he just sat there… teasing me with that big grin. I just slipped my hands between my legs. But ah, that made me looked like a loser, why did I do thaaat? Now small mistake like that could bothered my mind all day… I think I won’t be able to sleep. Because it was awkward if I didn’t say anything and he didn’t say anything first (why didn’t he say anything?) I finally talked to him;

Me: “Nielie, thank you”
N: “Hum? What for?”

Me: “The… aircon?”

N: “Ah, this? It’s too cold for me. So I looked the remote control from the janitor”
Another stupid mistake; why was I so self-conscious, I shouldn’t say thank you before he said anything. I know he probably just trolled me but AAARGH now I indeed couldn’t sleep ㅠㅠ I should make a wittier comment next time but I couldn’t think straight when he near me what to do? It was dead cold too, okay.
Me: "It’s too cold for me too"

N: "Hahaha yeah, I saw you went far to the back just to put on another sweater. You’re weird hyung"
I know I’m weird, could you just stop saying that.
N: "Is 22º enough? Should I just make it to 25º?"
Me: "No… I think people will be angry at us"
N: "Why? It was breezy outside. Look at you…"
He looked down to my hands.

N: "You’re shivering. I brought a jacket if you want to wear it"
Me: "Ah, no. It’s alright now"
I then put my hands on the arm rest and he laughed at me.
Me: "Why?"
N: "Are you sure? It will be silly if you go to the infirmary because of this"
He kept giggling at me. Maybe the film was just too boring and since Soojoo and Jihye had their drama rehearsal he had nothing to do but to pick on me.
Me: "I’m fine"
Niel sighed at my cold answer, I’m sorry I’m not good at giving response I was just… nervous. Niel ㅠㅠ
N: "Alright then, here’s your remote control. Gave it back to the janitor once we’re finished"
He put the remote control on my thighs and went back to his seat to play with his mobile. He must be in real bad mood since Soojoo didn’t come and she just turned him down last week, didn’t she? And now I couldn’t keep him amused. Hh what to do, I don’t know how to start a conversation.

After let out a grand sigh he finally couldn’t take it and stood up from his seat, I watched him as he approached the exit door, he didn’t bother to look at me. I felt really guilty and called him out of the blue;
“NIEL!”, I called him so loud that Jeongmin and others looked at me really annoyed. When he tilted his head demanded an answer from me I just stood there (I don’t know why I had to stand???) my mouth went dry as I stupidly asked him; “Did you… did you still have your jacket?”

Niel finally laughed and threw his military jacket to me and said; “Take it hyung, you need it” and he left. He’s such a generous kid ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ
If it was me I won’t lend anyone my clothes ㅠㅠ
Nielie, I’m wearing your jacket now. I will sleep in it hehe. Hummm I should wash it before I returned it though… Ah I’ll enjoy his scent first. I will record it well in my mind. Nielie smells so nice ㅠㅠ

August 27th 2009, Thursday

First day of school.. I still want holidaaay. Hum. Mom still didn’t allow me to go to the beach though… aaaaang I’ll die without going to the beach. I’m so angry at myself. Aaah. Life is so unfair ㅠㅠ

Today I went to the school just to see the summer festival. I don’t know why should we have festival in Summer... I found something interesting that could be the only reason I was staying at school for quite a long time. Niel was in a play. With Soojoo and Jihye of course, I heard that their male lead was sick couple days ago so they should find a replacement right away. People were upset about the change since the lead actor was the most popular guy in town. He’s an ulzzang, ulzzang! So you could picture how he looks, right?. Boring. Yes.

Through thousands (I’m exaggerating) thirsty male students that want to see Soojoo and Jihye I finally managed to get a clear view of the stage. God, Niel has natural talent. I’m probably biased, but I’m a movie buff, ain’t I? I know how to judge someone objectively. And Niel is just… born to be an actor. I didn’t expect this. But he was so good. The script was mediocre at its best but Soojoo and Niel could pull it off. Damn, could they just… date… already ㅠㅠ
I think they have the chemistry.

After the drama play ended the rain fell down, the wind was quite strong. I ran to find protection in infirmary room. Ms. Jung was there, she let me in though she knew I was alright that time. I like Ms. Jung~! I hope she could work in the hospital with Lee Sunho-seonsaengnim hehe, it would be perfect. She even shared her lunch box with me. She gave all her miso soup to meeee… ah I love her even more. The rain didn’t stop until evening, I wanted to look for Niel outside but the infirmary blanket’s warmth insisted me to stay ㅠㅠ Mom would kill me if I caught a cold.

She didn’t appear to pick me at three though~!… I was so angry at her, I told Ms. Jung to go home first but she said she couldn’t leave me alone. I know she had a date with her boyfriend… I felt really guilty… But then, after four she gave up and left me alone. Thank God I brought the infirmary keys that she gave me long time ago, hehehe… infirmary is like the second home for me. So then I waited for my mom for a long long time. When I finally saw something outside…

I saw that hair
That purple hair
Niel.

I hadn’t say this, but Niel dyed his hair purple for his role. And actually school approved this? I guess it was a permanent dye. Everyone should love this kid that much, though he was in detention yesterday, I could see how teachers joke with him every time they met in the hallway.

He looks so good in purple hair. I don’t know why he was standing there in the rain when everyone already went home. His purple hair blended nicely with the hydrangeas near the school gate. He was moving his feet first, like he heard inaudible music in his ears, he must thought that no one saw him so he kept moving his feet, and then it was his legs, his hips! His whole body… he was dancing like a fool, even talked to the hydrangeas hahaha… Nielie~! I saw youuu

He looked so happy. The infirmary was cold but he made the whole room warm. Something ignited in my heart. How could someone be that happy? I think he was born to make other people happy. Just by seeing him… It’s magical. I watched him for years. Seriously, he recited his lines in the play to hydrangeas ㅋㅋㅋ He looked like a puppy with that wet hair. I want to bring him to my home… Heh, what am I talking about…

September 18th 2009, Friday


I’m quite dizzy today… fall will come soon I guess. Hm days of lying in bed will soon come. Aaaa I hate those days. So before those days came invading me I told myself to go to school today. For an obvious reason… I want to see Niel in movie club. But I forgot that today is a working day between two days off, so basically… student like Niel… they didn’t come for school. I didn’t see him anywhereㅠㅠ

Such a waste. My effort today is such a waaaaste… Nieeeeel
I brought your jacket you know, it was freshly laundered. I can’t take this jacket back home, because I probably want to keep it. I already played the scenario in my head to give this back to you, but you weren’t there. Ah… I’m so stupid. So I asked for his address to an administration officer. He luckily didn’t ask me further. Maybe because I look like a good student? So I asked my mom to drop me in a delivery service before we reached home. And I shipped it. I hope it arrived at Niel’s home safely. Hmmmm I kinda wonder what kind of home he lived in. What kinda room he has… Aish. Byunghun~ stop imagining things~!

It’s useless isn’t it.
To keep a feeling for him like this. It won’t go anywhere. It only feed my stupid loneliness. But if it could make me happy, just telling stories about him like this, should I stop?

I SHOULD STOP. I REALLY SHOULD.

I met Jihye and Soojoo today tough, Jihye playfully told me that Soojoo should treat us something since she and Niel are officially dating. My mind went blank that time. I felt thankful, I really did. I’m happy for them but… I felt like my ground was shaking and everything crumbled apart. I fell into a deep pit but, I smiled. I smiled as I joked back; “Ah finally~! But not today though, I think they will have a private dinner date tonight? Niel must be busy prepared that for you since today he was absent from school”

And they just laughed at it. I then looked to the autumn sky beyond the window. Niel… I wanted to run away from school, run through the street against the wind, take the 46 bus and ride to your place. I’ll ring your bell and when you opened the door for me I’d just jump and hug you tight.

I really want to see you

October 10th 2009, Saturday

Been a long time again, hehe. Today is my regular c