There are so many life lessons my father had given me throughout the twenty one years I roamed on earth. I didn’t put half of these into practice though, sadly, but anyway I was always able to recall them, and my father was satisfied with it when I would repeat every one of them when I was too depressed or when I was in a severe mental breakdown. ‘It’s okay’ He would say, patting my back, chuckling as I would cry my lungs out, cowering in a corner as would a desperate housewife watching a sappy old drama of some sort. ‘At least you remembered’

It took me long enough that he was meaning to say that whatever the bad thing which happened, happened because I wasn’t applying his valuable lessons into real life situations. However it might be though, I never found myself doing that. It isn’t any good, honestly, and I almost always got into trouble. Conversely, it wasn’t anything that I could stop myself from doing; for I was so used to overlooking things myself.

What my father told me, in regards to the situation I was in, was that there was always a reason behind everything that happens in one’s life. This was evident, though we constantly tend to overlook this; and once something happened, we don’t regard as to why it happened, but moan and whine about the fact that it did happen. I’m not certain whether it makes perfect sense; however, at that moment (not exactly then, like said, it totally slipped my mind) I realized that whatever which happened to Sung Gyu did happen for a reason. There’s something my father used to call it; but I could never come to recall it; this particular phenomena. What’s needed to be resolved was as to the reason why he tensed up before his uncle, given that he’s never tensed, around not even the most severe matters, but was awfully petrified in his uncle’s presence.

I regarded his uncle’s face, and recalled what Myung Soo said earlier that day; about how their uncle would cause troubles whenever their sister’s in-laws would. It was difficult to make connections though. I was never a bright person anyway, and mind wasn’t on its right track either. All I could do right then was give up on it all together and survey the situation with a step taken aback.

There was silence in the room, only the languid sound of the door creaking close behind his uncle was all which came, the atmosphere becoming thick and somber by seconds which passed. I lowered my head after taking a split of a minute to regard the new person in the room and conclude that he was not much older than forty years. He resembled Sung Gyu the slightest, probably the nose which he had seemingly inherited from his father but the rigid, detached features differed him completely from Sung Gyu and his father; this wasn’t a man whom I’d admire, instead, I realized, this was the kind of a man I’d despise my entire life.

“Get everything in order, I don’t want to have a decent conversation in this mess” Said his uncle, and without another word, he settled himself in the peach-shaded sofa, the two men who were accompanying him stood on the either sides of him. The room, again, sank in utter silence, and from the corner of my eyes, I could see Sung Gyu nervously fiddle with his fingers; he spoke to me after a moment, and it was evident, the convulsion in his voice, though he was trying to keep it steady. Underlying in it was an infuriated tone; something shattered inside me as his words came.

“Eunji-Ssi, can you please leave? Take the twins with you, if you may, I’ll contact you later”

He sounded as though he was addressing to an employee of some sort, and I realized that he probably didn’t want to stand the sight of me. Thus, with a quick bow, I made it towards the other room where the twins were still sitting, stiff as stone and grabbed both their bags in one hand and gestured at them with the other. As would a pair of trained puppies, they trotted their way towards me, and silently I made my way towards the door, bowing to his uncle on the way with a quick apology. Just as I had reached the door, Sung Gyu called out to me. I stopped and turned around, expectantly.

“Tell my secretary to send in a cleaner” was all he said, and I left the room without another word, the two boys following behind me.

At that moment, the audacity, the determination I had, began to shatter into million pieces as would a fragile sheet of glass; all hopes gone, all expectation dispersed, I made my way down towards the cafeteria; making sure myself that I hadn’t let a single tear to fall.

I was sure that I was much stronger than that.

When the three of us finally entered the café which was less crowded, only the employees enjoying a tea in the late afternoon were lingering around; their cheerful chatter filling the ambiance with warmth. Sung Jong was cleaning the tables with his left hand bandaged, Yeosob was nowhere in sight while Sung Yeol sat at the counter, eyes focused elsewhere, deep in his thoughts. Chorong unnie was probably still crying in a corner over her broken relationship and Sung Yeol was probably still sulking over it; only the rest of the waitress girls were still cheery, flirting with the young employees in the vicinity.

My head was ringing still after all that happened and the impact of the iron frame; the wound still hurt but the blood had dried on my skin, and no longer dripped. I had this great desire to view myself on the mirror but I couldn’t bring myself to. Seeing how messed up I was would only convince me of how weak I was. I didn’t believe myself to be weak, thus I didn’t wish to see myself in such a state.

The twins were being civil, finally, guiltily hanging onto the material of my cloths, their perplexed eyes moving hither and tither around the place, lips twisted as though they were about to cry. The strange thing was; even their expressions were almost exactly the same. I felt quite bad for them though; they were still kids, and I should have been more considerate not to anger their uncle due to our own personal problems but there was nothing I could do about it other than somehow making it up to the two.

The moment Sung Yeol caught my eyes, his pupils widened as though he witnessed a terrible robbery of some sort. He abandoned the counter, leaving a sapped Yeosob in charge who had just emerged from the kitchen and approached me.

“Oh my…you look like !” He said, surveying me with utmost concern. “What the hell happened?”

I shrugged, but from deep inside, there was something building up inside me; that great sorrow, that great urge to pour it all out and seek for relief. “Nothing” I managed, avoiding his eyes and made it towards a round table with a cushion seat, the twins and a confused Sung Yeol following behind. The twins sat on the cushioned seat as though they were trained to do exactly that; I placed the two bags in a corner, let out a heavy sigh, feeling that very feeling coming up my throat, making a tight knot in my throat and closed my eyes. It was terrible, to feel rejected, dejected, especially by someone who always treated you so dearly as though you were the most important person on earth. Behind my closed eyes, snippets of memories we shared began to flash as would a replay of a movie and sorrow constricted my heart. I realized that I really really needed a release.

“It can’t be nothing” Sung Yeol was saying, perched on the cushion beside me, his tall, lanky figure leaning against the back rest. “You don’t look like real crap on regular basis, Eunji”

“I just-,” I tried to argue, and restrained myself when it all almost came pouring out from my heavy heart. I honestly wanted to discharge it all onto someone, but I wasn’t sure if Sung Yeol would be the right one. He had his own personal troubles to deal with, given that Chorong unnie was also having one of her episodes, and two crying women there would be more than a handful for him; he wouldn’t be able to handle it. “Nothing just…it’s been a long day” I croaked and leaned back, feeling completely wasted. “But Sung Yeol-ah…can you treat these two with whatever they’d like? They’re…” I hesitated and mustered out; “His…nephews. Cut it off my paycheck”

Sung Yeol stood up. “It will be all on the house. Take a rest, Eunji. You need that cut treated, I’ll get to it, hmm?”

I managed a nod, and tried my best to get my head around things while Sung Yeol called the two kids over, who followed him without a word.

It was a moment later that I heard the very familiar voice exclaim in utter horror. “Eunji? What happened to you?”

I fluttered open my eyes only to find Woohyun in a close proximity, his widened eyes regarding me as though I was a victim of a hit and run accident. He smelled nice at that time, which I found extremely comforting, and there was concern etched all over his face, and his hand quickly edged towards me, checking my temperature before looking at the wound on my brow. “Eunji what’s wrong? What happened?”

I shook my head, and he swiftly pulled away. “Hang on a minute, I’d get the first-aid kit and come”

He scurried away from me all the way to the staff’s unit where he was quite familiar hanging around in since he had befriended rest of the waitresses, and I, realizing that it wasn’t any good for him to treat my wound in public scampered after him after I had dragged up my wearied body with such effort. Woohyun was already fumbling in the drawers, searching and muttering to himself while one of the waitresses, whom I knew as Bomi who was the only friendly one out of the rest, searched in the cupboard where the spare uniforms were. I was too tired to join the search that I settled down myself on the edge of the bed; no sooner, Bomi located the first aid kit chucked among a stack of shirts and handed it to Woohyun with a smile before disappearing out the door. Woohyun hastily washed his hands from the staff’s restroom, wiped them with a fresh towel, came to me and regarded me from head to my clasped hands as would a doctor gaze at a puppy with a lost eye. “Eunji…I’m not sure if I should ask you what happened but-,”

I didn’t want him to drag me into an emotional speech about feelings and life and all that crap that were the last of what I wished to hear, for I was in the brink of falling; one push, I was certain to blast into tears.

“I’m fine” I muttered, trying to smile. “Let’s just get on with the-,”

“No you’re not, I can feel it…look at you…it’s not only the cut, Eunji, you’re wounded and it’s there on your heart….”

I felt a sudden stab of despair conjuring all that I was trying to keep within myself, something warm and dark rushed through my veins, and I realized that he needed to press one button, one button to get me started.

“Eunji, you’re keeping it all pent up. Listen now, it’s okay to cry”

And just like that, I began to do exactly what he meant, and unlike any other time, there was no Sung Gyu to offer me another one of those embroidered handkerchiefs with flowers or cats with his name threaded in fine detail; a sudden horrendous jolt of pain consumed me, and I realized that the Sung Gyu I loved was slowly floating away from me, like a farfetched dream, away and away from me and; and what’s worse was I didn’t even have the strength to reach out and hold on like I did before, boldly stand up for it. All I could do now was sit in the staff’s unit’s bed, completely wretched, helpless and utterly clueless of what exactly had happened and cry until the pain would subside.

But only, I didn’t believe it ever would. It felt a lot terrible than it was when I realized I couldn’t trust Myung Soo anymore. This pain, it was a whole lot similar to what I felt when my mother died.

Attachment, this was how it felt when they began to cease.

As though on cue, Woohyun’s strong arms reached me, his breezy scent of aftershave lingering strongly in my breath. His warmth enclosed around me, in a rather fatherly manner and I was soon being held in his secure embrace, my face buried into his chest, his hand was patting my back the gentlest, his voice muttering over and over again that things were going to be fine.

The entire situation, I realized was oddly too familiar for me. Snippets of memories hit me hard.

I wasn’t going to be fine, I knew.

It took me longer than I thought to compose myself, and even after I do, I was still hiccupping with endless sobs. Although not embroidered, Woohyun pulled out for me a clean white handkerchief and carefully dabbed the corners of my eyes and my cheeks, muttering something about dripping blood and I caught a glimpse of crimson on the cloth which he quickly disposed of before returning to me with a smile.

“Now that you seem better, we’ll see to this, shall we?”

I forced out a smile, and he quickly got down to work, singing some old time classic as if treating wounds was a run-on-the-mill situation for him. I began to feel a tad bit better, although Sung Gyu’s voice seemed to rerun on my mind as if it was a devilish cursed cassette; and as though to distract me from my thoughts, he dragged me into a noncommittal conversation about rather mundane things; I began to feel so much better.

Truth to be told, Woohyun was like an older brother for me, a very overprotective one who could have done your diapers when you were a baby and probably try helping likewise even at this age. I adored his jovial persona and how he always adorned a smile; a very genuine one. I loved it how he never failed to let his presence be known without doing much less a smile (Myung Soo did it by just standing there like a block) and how he wordlessly implied that he’d be by your side through thick and thin. I was never lonely and awkward in his presence, even if we were in a rather awkward position; he could blend into situations so well and make the best out of it. Woohyun was…Woohyun, and I would never take it any other way.

Woohyun was a big brother I have never had whereas Sung Gyu was a lot more than that for me; Sung Gyu was the person that I wanted to love, cherish and spend the rest of my life with.

“You know” He was saying, adjusting the piece of gauze on the wound and I learned that my vision from this particular eye was quite cloudy and blurred. “Wounds on faces of girls are pretty nasty stuff”

I recalled Myung Soo mentioning that to me; to be honest though, it was his face he was talking about and except for all the vital organs, Myung Soo swore that he’d never have anything else on his face. Remembering Myung Soo made me feel a little better but suddenly the memory of Sung Gyu mentioning it hit me hard like a thunderbolt. I felt bad even more and felt like crying again.

“You can do with a skin colored plaster though” he said, and pasted an ordinary surgical plaster on the piece of gauze he had placed. “But not until it’s all healed”

I nodded, forcing out a smile.

He stepped away after a while, a satisfied grin playing on his lips and carefully replaced all the items he had taken out in its exact order. I watched his hands as he did so; though he wasn’t as orderly as Myung Soo was-who wouldn’t miss an inch-Woohyun seemed quite methodical in his own way. Once he was done, he chucked it into where it was found and sat on the bed beside me.

For one awkward moment, we both sat in utter silence, searching for words to begin with. While we were at it, I stared down at my hand which had a few scars of ripped skin then and there, and I realized that they had actually gone pale. I didn’t exactly feel physically strong either, since I hadn’t had much for lunch and more than hungry, I needed something to boost my energy; however, even though Sung Yeol let us have anything on house, I didn’t even have the strength to make up something for me let alone stand and walk to the kitchen. I felt like a road kill struggling to live.

After a while, Woohyun cleared his throat and I could feel his eyes on me. Of course he was going to ask me what happened to me since I didn’t say a word when I let the waterworks all over his shirt; but reminding me of his cold, stiff voice when Sung Gyu spoke as he would to a mere employee, or more less, a cleaner lady was one of the worse memories I had ever had in my life. I could be physically a little stronger, strong enough to muster a punch or two but morally I had always been weak. My therapist warned me about this once I had slowly come out of my trauma that it would be difficult to me to handle mental blows and that I should be all ready for it.

I never even thought that it would be this hard.

Just as he called my name, I managed to shake my head. “Don’t ask” I muttered and looked away. “I don’t want to answer”

The silence emerged again, and the sound of the cheery clutter of evening visitors became prominent. I could almost feel Woohyun’s mind working, running through all the possibilities, the reasons why I was being this way; his eyes were focused on me, while mine were focused on my fingers, myself being clearly aware of his attention; I suddenly wanted to shrink and disappear. I felt like I was being seen through as would an x-ray, and a sudden fear consumed me. I didn’t want anyone to know how weak I was, I didn’t want Woohyun to know that I was a weak soul despite the façade I put up, trying to be brave. I don’t want him to know that he and I more or less belonged to the very same element. 

Just as I wished I could dissolve into thin air, Woohyun awakened his voice, and by the tone of his, I was befuddled, I had never expected him to sound this way.

I never thought that he would unleash his feeble side in front of me. More than that, I never even could have guessed he would say the things he was telling me then.

“You know…Eunji, Sung Gyu hyung….he, once was hurt really really badly.” He was saying, while I watched my hand, mortified.  “I know…I shouldn’t be telling you this; it’s him who should but he….he has this habit of throwing everything under the rug and move on like nothing happened. He’s got this habit of pretending like everything was alright. This irked me, even; how he could look so…unaffected when everything around him is a total labyrinth…” He went silent and one of the waitresses; NamJoo walked in and put her phone on charge like we were invisible and quickly scampered away. I stay still as stone, trying to get my head around things.

Of course, I had overlooked so many things. I hadn’t noticed how he did that, throwing things under the rug. I had, as always, been so naïve.

Woohyun continued.

“In the end I realized, he wasn’t being unemotional or stupid or crazy….he wasn’t pretending. Sung Gyu hyung, he was simply being strong…whenever something big and wrong happens to him, he would freak out and be emotional for the moment, but the next day, he would be back to normal and even when I asked if he was alright, he would smile and say ‘No, Woohyun, I need a little downs. My life has always been too perfect’ but trust me Eunji, it has never been. And still he says that”

As though on autopilot, memories I’ve had with him began to roll out by themselves like a rerun of a sappy drama. That time when we first kissed, the next day he seemed completely normal like nothing happened although he reacted so befuddled the moment it happened; and the time I brought up something unnecessary that day on which ‘Puppy’ went missing, he seemed crestfallen but the next day, he seemed perfectly well. He had been pushing everything under the rug all the while, and I hadn’t even taken notice of it.

But then again…after what happened last night he was still not up to par. He was still gloomy, still upset; sudden confusion engulfed me.

What wrong did I do for him to never cut it off and throw under the rug? What is so wrong in loving him that he had to cut me off his life completely instead?

And then I realized, I didn’t want him to throw it under the rug. They were my feelings, I would never forgive him if he acted like it never happened. My mind suddenly started to dig my brain for reasons why he wouldn’t forget it and be like it never happened, I wanted to know why he was still being sullen and cold when he could have simply forgotten it like he always did.

But to my great disdain, he was utterly clueless of what happened between us, and I too had no strength to up and be honest about it. All I could do was hopelessly listen to him as he driveled to me the unspoken.

“And I think that strength of him is contagious in one way or the other” He went on, mumbling lowly that only I could make out his words. “I don’t know if you’d believe me but I have loads of downs in my life; you see, we might be sons of rich businessmen, and we might have all the materialistic things in life, but nothing is perfect there. Everything is complicated, screwed up; only Sung Gyu hyung is handling things so well. So whenever I feel…out of place, I talk to him. While he was in states he would call me every five seconds and talk me around and when he’s here….he would come running for me no matter where he was. Pretty amazing isn’t it?”

I gulped and mustered a nod. Truth to be said, It was too much for me to take in at once, so much of information and emotions but Woohyun didn’t seem to stop; it was as though he was reminiscing memories that he had deemed to be precious.

“You must be wondering why I even tell you all this…Eunji, I don’t know…what happened to you and I don’t suppose I should know but remember one thing; whatever happened; don’t let things drag you down. There are people who have much worse things happening in their lives but still live through them, they are able to smile through their tears and that is not pretense, that’s being bold. happens, we all screw up; but who can tell? Sometimes the best come out of the worse of your life. Hang on there and wait…” I looked up to see him and realized he was watching me. As would a really affectionate big brother, Woohyun reached out and squeezed my hand. “You are a wonderful girl, Jung Eunji, and you have a wonderful life ahead. Whatever happened, don’t let your guards down. Screw them all and just smile. You look the prettiest when you smile”

I felt a jolt of slight delight and sorrow, recalling a morsel of my memories from somewhere not too long ago; we were at his house, myself sitting on a stone bench, he crouched before me, his embroidered handkerchief in my hand and I had cried. ‘Woohyun, he loves it when you smile…’ I suddenly felt unguarded before him, remembering what Sung Gyu’s true intentions were; I wondered why things suddenly changed their routes but then again I decided to forget it, maybe throw it under the rug like he would and move along like it never happened.

Before even I could venture out a reply, maybe a simple ‘Thank you’ which would suffice to his kindness, Woohyun climbed up to his feet and tousled my hair with a smile.

“Sorry about the whole…emotional talk Eunji, but I honestly hope it helped…I’ve got to rush though…important meeting. I’m glad I got to talk to you…it’s been a while.” He shrugged and buried his hands in his pocket, and I suddenly realized that he was in a well-cut black suit matched with a crisp white shirt, tie undone and hanging out of his pocket. He must have come for something important.

“O-okay…” I stuttered and tried to smile. “It was nice meeting you too…Woohyun-Ssi….and I’m sorry…and thank you-.”

He gave me a dashing smile and gestured with his hand as though to brush it off. “Oh, nothing to worry, Eunji. I’m glad to be of any help. Anyway, I’ve got to rush…catch you later, bye!”

And with that, before I could even get up and say something, he quickly dashed out of the room, the door snapping close behind him.

For a moment, I stare at the blank door as though it had all the answers. My mind was in a scuttle, trying to process all that it had been fed and my head began to throb, I suddenly felt drowsy and wished I could sleep but I realized I couldn’t. I had left the little devils with Sung Yeol and all this while it didn’t even occur to me!

I couldn’t let anything happen to them and risk the last of trust I had from Sung Gyu, just this once, I had to take the chance I had and make it up to him. I had to take responsibility of my doing, I had to prove it to him that I wasn’t the weak wreck that I showed myself to be.

I rearranged my clothes, brushed my hair with my fingers for the betterment and reached the door; but as though on cue, it pulled open, a smiling Sung Yeol peeked in.

“Ah, Ji”

Suddenly panicking, I peeked around, my eyes searching for the two little devils. “Sung Yeol where are they?”

He smiled, as though delighted. “Eunji, why didn’t you ever say that he had some awesome nephews?”

I widened my eyes. Awesome? Was he out of his mind? “What?”

“Come and see! I can’t believe they are still six, those two are like totally awesome!”

Sung Gyu’s nephews, despite their tiny, one digited age, were game-geeks. Trust me, the two were.

In pure, befuddled horror, I watched the two of them getting on with it on both Sung Yeol’s and Yeosob’s phones as though the two were trained on it. It was some silly android racing game, the tiny, bright colored vehicles dashing here and there on cyber roads in a split of a second, making my head hurt and the two played it like they’d been doing it since their diaper days. Honestly. I felt so inferior; I couldn’t even score high on this bloody Tetris game! Sung Yeol, Yeosob in spite of his runny nose and even Sung Jong were having a really quality time there, screaming and cheering and I could even grasp Sung Yeol telling something about them playing Warcraft; I suddenly realized that I had been having a really bad impression on them; Maybe the twins weren’t as bad as I thought; although I had never even heard of it that his two uncles played games much, the twins must be having a really good side to themselves.

They had been served with hot chocolate and red velvet cupcakes, apparently, which remained half-finished and mugs Luke warm on the table. The evening crowd had gone on their ways, only a several of them enjoying their coffee while chatting or watching the hoo-ha going about, and I was so excited that I couldn’t help it but tell one of the female employees that they were actually the CEO’s nephews that I had to baby sit. She seemed excited too, and pretty befuddled; then the next thing I knew was there was a whole crowd circling the kids, cheering them on. When they were done playing the car race, the two played some word game, sang what sounded like a song out of Sung gyu’s playlist, seeming definitely pleased of all the attention, they even played tag with the guys; the day ended with them performing some Tae Kwon-do moves that they had apparently learned at school. At the end of it all, everyone went on their ways, dusk approached, only Sung Yeol and I were left in the cafeteria with the boys sleeping on me. One had his tiny head lying in my lap, the other leaned against my chest and snored soundly. It was such a nice sound, honestly, and I wondered if their uncle snored too which was simply inappropriate

Sung Yeol informed me a while ago that Sung Gyu was going to be late since he was stuck with a board meeting upstairs and I had no choice but wait in the café with the heavily sleeping kids like a homeless mother. Sung Yeol was being really helpful by running the chores by himself, starting from sweeping and wiping the tables to doing the day’s accounting; and while he was at it, he sang a couple of songs I couldn’t really grasp. It was really silent inside, and a bit cold but it felt nice. The air conditioners rumbled on, the sound of the kids’ snoring was reverberating against my skin; the lights were dim, the entire building felt so empty as though it had been squeezed out of inhabitance. It was soothing, honestly, the strange atmosphere, and in no time, I found myself drifting off to sleep. Just behind my closed eyes, what I could see was Kim Sung Gyu, smiling at me that charming one of his.

What woke me up, pretty later were a series of hushed voices, a conversation in the process. They were in whispers, almost but one voice was pretty loud which I recognized as Sung Yeol. I opened my eyes the slightest, keeping them in narrow slits, only to realize that Kim Sung Gyu had finally arrived.

My heart skipped a beat, and another, and another; and I couldn’t breathe anymore.

“She’s asleep” Sung Yeol was saying, and hearing this, I closed my eyes. I decided to keep my eyes shut, pretending to be asleep and make the best out of it. “She’s all beat when she came you know…what did you do to her?”

I could hear Sung Gyu making an exasperated sigh, and the screeching of a chair followed. For a moment I wondered if Sung Gyu was actually planning to murder him by hitting him square with it, but the impact never came; I held my breath then, anticipating his reaction, and for some reason I thought I wouldn’t like it.

“I did nothing!” Came Sung Gyu’s voice a little louder and I could faintly sense denial. There was silence on both parts then, and finally, Sung Gyu sounded as though he was finally giving in. “Okay, she did look really bad in shape; Jesus, Sungyeol, can you not, not pay attention? I said send anyone but her! Not send her!”

Another sigh from Sung Yeol. “Well, you should have been more specific like ‘Send Sung Jong’ or something!”

“How am I supposed to know their names?” Sung Gyu snapped, definitely unimpressed. “It’s your duty…” He trailed off, and I could imagine his reaction, pressing his fists on his temples, muttering gibberish to himself. “Anyway, just tell me, is she okay?”

“Was much better after Woohyun talked to her” Sung Yeol said, still in a whisper. “But he said she cried.”

There was silence again, and there I sat, pretending to be asleep, restraining myself from bursting out since it wasn’t the time yet. There was silence on Sung Gyu’s part, and I could literally imagine the graveness of his face, ugly creases appearing on his forehead. He must be analyzing things, wondering why I would cry and wondering what the hell probably happened there (And I promised myself to not to talk about the twins’ disaster tactics with him under any ways or means) I was half expecting him to come rushing over to me and make a dramatic apology; but it didn’t happen; I close my eyes tighter and pretend to have died.

“Poor girl” Came Sung Gyu’s voice after a while, I couldn’t help but flinch a little. “I should have sent her back”

“I think it’s better to drop her and get her a good nap” Sung Yeol suggested in a loud whisper. “She’d be up and dandy by tomorrow”

“I guess” Sung Gyu said after a while and sighed again. “Sung Yeol-ah…I need your help here though”

“Sure” he replied and I imagined him beam with pleasure.

“I’ll get my car then” Sung Gyu said, and soon, my ears could strain the sound of the glass doors closing behind with a stubborn creak.

A few minutes later the door opened up in a hurry, footsteps followed, and the larky sound of heavy rubber soles hitting the granite resonated in the silent ambiance. Sung Yeol was there the whole time, I could sense him behind my closed eyes; he was probably idly sitting somewhere watching nothingness, thinking about his petty love life. His voice sounded the moment the sound of rubber soles stopped, in a breezy, grave tone.

“It’s here?”

When Sung Gyu spoke, he sounded beat and breathless. I could feel my heart cringe; he was probably tired, and he never had a perfect stamina though he looked like it. I wished I could go and hug him, but on the other hand, I knew it was the last thing he wanted from me.

“Yeah. In the quadrangle…” he said, and there was a pause. “Sung Yeol, we need to carry them”

A sudden joyous bolt through me. I knew I shouldn’t be that way; it was, in fact, my cue to sit up as though I had just woken up, throw a fit, walk out and flag a taxi to go home; but I couldn’t make myself to. Something was telling me that I shouldn’t move a limb, something was telling me that I should be desperate and take this one opportunity, for the chances were that I would never get carried by Sung Gyu again, let alone be driven home. I would soon be out of the picture, he would deliberately wipe me away, and thus it was just right to pretend to have collapsed for good.

“Right” came Sung Yeol’s voice, and I could almost draw in my mind the determination on his face. He told me that he loved Sung Gyu hyung, once. And I knew that he always tried to impress him.

Soon I could hear the two reaching me, the sound of footsteps getting closer and I tried my best to look like a dead woman, restraining myself from making any sort of suspicious action, regardless of how warm I felt that time.

“We’ll get the twins up first” Sung Yeol said, as though he was planning a prison escape. There was silence, and I could catch the faint sound of someone taking the bags. I haven’t even readied my bags, they were still in the staff’s unit and I was still in the uniform; I should be up and gathering them, but then again, Sung Yeol would let me off the hook this time and I could always get them the next day.

“We can’t leave her though” Came Sung Gyu’s voice, and I felt a tinge of joy that he cared. I managed to keep my face straight as I possibly could. “I’ll take one of the kids up, first. You wait here…”

“No” Said Sung Yeol. “Hyung, you look like . Tell me where the vehicle is, I’ll take him up”

There was silence, me praying he wouldn’t accept the idea, but for my greatest disdain, I could hear him sigh. “Okay. If it’s fine. I’ve left the door open, don’t worry, the guards are there”

There came the sound of feet moving and a few grunts; the kid near my chest was soon moved away, I could hear the discomforted grunt from the child, and could sense Sung Yeol carefully heave him up against his chest.

“Be careful Yeol” Sung Gyu said sternly and he grunted in response. No sooner I could hear his heavy footsteps going further and further away from me; leaving a sleeping child on my lap and the possibly irate crush of mine in the vicinity. I suddenly began to feel weird, thousands of emotions surging into me. We were yet again left alone in a room after all that happened during the day, and although I should feel angered or upset, I didn’t feel any of this. I was just tired. I just needed to sleep but it never came.

I realized that it was my chance to escape, my cue to leave. I should probably stand up, look like I was still dreaded and weary and pretend to have slept, look surprised that he was standing there without me knowing and simply throw a hissy fit, giving him a speech about good parenting and treating women with more care and about how stupid he made me feel out there. I wanted them to surface, I wanted for the audacity to come forth; but they didn’t. It was like I was chickening out.

And it felt even weirder.

Why did I feel like I was being watched? Was he watching me sleep? (Or in this case, pretending to be asleep?)

I wanted to toss and turn without looking unnatural but the kid on my lap was stopping me. For a moment too long, I couldn’t help but be convinced that I was being watched. It didn’t feel weird in a bad way though, in a good way, rather; like I was being dearly cared for, although that was what I least expected.

A few minutes later, the door opened again, and in came the hurried footsteps of Sung Yeol.

“Okay?” Sung Gyu asked.

“Yeah…”

“Good” Sung Gyu said briefly, and there was a moment of silence, during which I felt two pairs of eyes surveying me, surveying the situation and I felt really strange, like someone was watching me bath.

“I’ll take Eunji” Sung Yeol said in the end. “Hyung, you don’t look like you can walk even”

“Hmm” he replied, without missing a beat. “I will carry the kid. Let’s hurry, I’ve been taking too much of your time”

Disappointment flashed through me, realizing that my opportunity just passed by, conversely though, it wasn’t over; I’d be travelling home with Sung Gyu and while at that I could probably wake up and throw a tantrum; therefore I decided to go with whatever which came by.

Soon I heard them move around me; the kid on my lap was distinctively hauled up and my heart reacted almost immediately, racing so fast that I felt I could have died. Sung Gyu’s hand brushed against my thighs, his scent was sweet and so close to me.

I could have woken up and grabbed him by his lapels, but I knew the better of myself. I didn’t.

Sung Yeol’s long arms came around my back, the other slithered under my knees, making me slightly uncomfortable and he lifted me up with ease; I tried to act limp, rolling my head against his chest and I could feel the slow, sound beating of his heart. It suddenly felt incredibly nice.

He seemed to find it difficult, climbing up the steps with me in his arms and I honestly felt bad for him. Sung Yeol used to be all skin and bones; although he was meaty now. He said he was working out but I wasn’t sure if he was any better than before; Howon was the physically strongest who could have carried my weight without a trouble though he never had. I wanted to climb down and apologize to Sung Yeol, but I still couldn’t.

“Woman, you’re heavy!” He complained, just as I felt the late night breeze kiss my cheeks. The sound of the bustling street was loud and clear, and I could almost see the bright lights of the quadrangle behind my closed eyes. Sung Yeol was holding me tightly with care, his breathing rigid and even.

“You better start dieting, no more cake on house” He said; I restrained myself from stifling a giggle; honestly, I couldn’t grasp the situation where it required humor, Sung Gyu really wouldn’t appreciate it if I suddenly broke out all laughing and would never speak to me again for being so phony. The doors were probably kept open like he previously said that I was soon placed in what I sensed the front passenger seat; Sung Yeol let out a heavy sigh as though he’d been carrying a thousand pound heavy rock. I made a mental note to mention once more the work out he was bragging about, but I would most likely decide against it; sitting and playing dead like this would be my little secret till I die.

I rolled my head to a side, trying to look sleepy and peaked out slightly to see Sung Gyu making it towards the driver’s seat. My heart stopped at the sight of him, clad in a classy beige suit and his hair tousled and messed up; he was probably the only male specimen on earth who could pull out the iness even while being tired to death, not even Myung Soo looked so attractive when he’s all beat; (He looks like a girl, rather, a woman after labor or something, he wouldn’t stop complaining) I closed my eyes tighter otherwise I would have really done something totally inappropriate. I felt a little sad too, realizing that I was soon to be thrown under the rug; any minute from now.

Sung Yeol put on me the seat belt and lowered the seat a bit until I showed it deliberately that I was comfortable enough; once he was done, he sighed hard. “You stupid woman…taking everything hard on yourself”

I felt bad for Sung Yeol more, he really was a good person.

“Sung Yeol-ah” Came Sung Gyu’s voice in the form of what of a loving brother. “I can give you a lift”

“No that’s fine, Hyung” he said, in polite rejection. “I came by car”

Sung Yeol did have a car but his license was never around him, resting at the local traffic police at most times.

“Hmm…okay, drive homes safely Sung Yeol”

“Yes” he agreed, and I imagined him smile. “You too hyung, see you tomorrow”

And soon I could feel his presence beside me, Kim Sung Gyu was finally back inside. Although I had gone with him a several times, it was completely different this time around. Things were different, we were different, our relation was different, circumstances were different, and I was frustrated, honestly. I felt like a prisoner being transported to an asylum. Sung Gyu and I weren’t the same anymore.

Although the circumstances were different, Sung Gyu beside me was the same Sung Gyu I remembered from before. He still smelled the same, felt the same, the warmth was the same, for once, while I was in pretend sleep, things felt like nothing had changed. We drove off, Sung Gyu honked once probably to acknowledge Sung Yeol or someone, and we then hit the late Seoul streets, the street lights hitting me point blank even through my closed eyes. He the radio too, ‘Switchfoot’ playing an alternative number which I couldn’t recognize, and he sang alone. It felt so surreal, like we were returning to the old days where everything was so simple between us, where I could look him in the eyes without feeling lost and confused, where I could see him smile with no hard thoughts involved; for once, I wished I could return to those days, but then again, I won’t be in love, I won’t be having those incredible feelings of affection towards him, and I realized, I would never compromise those for anything, not even to get ourselves back on the track and retrieve the days we lost, for I would never regret having fallen for him.

 We drove on for a while, him singing lowly, the twins were probably asleep in the back, and the street probably passed by in a rush, and inside there was a combination of cold and warmth, it was strange and nice; the breezy scent of his was soothing me, I thought I would really drift away but I didn’t. I wanted the moment to last longer.

But it didn’t. Sung Gyu, for my utter surprise, started to speak.

“Silly girl” He muttered, his voice was so low that I didn’t almost grasp it. “You should have left you know…”

At first, I almost thought I was supposed to respond to him, until the next statement came by.

“Look at you now, sleeping like a log….but it’s okay. Its better this way. I can talk all I want and you wouldn’t remember a single bit of it tomorrow…you won’t even know…and that’s what I want right now…”

What was all that about?

“I hope you won’t wake up in the middle” He laughed a bit. “It would be pretty embarrassing…but I guess Myung’s right…when you sleep you’re practically dead!” He laughed again, to himself, and I was so confused. I couldn’t imagine what he was getting at, all I knew was that I shouldn’t sit up now and ruin the precious moment, he was convinced and I was to play along, whatever he was doing.

“That’s really cute though” He said through his laughter, and there’s silence; the song on the radio changes, its ‘life house’ on the roll. And he sighed. “And he’d right…talking to the sleeping you…is such a relief.”

I was honestly surprised. Talking to the sleeping me? Myung Soo was right? Something strange had been happening all this time while I was dead to the world; I felt a surge of tension inside me, running through my veins. Had Myung Soo been telling me things to relief his mind while I was asleep?

How come I never knew about it?

And answering to my doubts, he simply said. “Like he does, I’m going to release all of it on you…it’s been a really hard day, and you were the best getaway that I can think of”

A moment, and I suddenly felt like the air had stiffened around me, freezing me to the spot. It suddenly began to turn into a dream, the two of us pulled into a bubble that could shatter at any time, but I didn’t wish to risk the chances; this was something I had never wished to happen, not even in my wildest dreams, it all felt so surreal like it was a scenario if he and I had formerly taken different routes to reach this point.

The vehicle soundly rumbled, and his driving became slower, like he was pretending to float; I cornered myself as possibly I could; pretending to have died, though I wasn’t sure if I really had.

Sung Gyu began.

“I’m sorry for all he ty things that happened today, Eunji…life suddenly became difficult than before, and I think…I think I vented it all on you. I’m sorry…but I don’t think it would ever change anything”

Silence.

“I hope I could tell you all this when you’re awake…but you see, I don’t know how I would react if I did so. It’s not you…it’s about me. It’s me I’m uncertain of, I have no guts to tell you…in person; I don’t like it…actually. Pour my troubles on another; it makes me vulnerable, it makes me weak; and I don’t want that. I would rather have things…this way”

There’s silence again, I could feel him taking a slow, smooth turn; the pace seemed to go down by the minute; I wondered if he were drunk, but apparently, he wasn’t. This was all a surreal dream.

“My uncle, my noona, her in-laws, my parents, and then me…we’re in a life-long mess. Eunji, I don’t know where it would end-,”

I suddenly recalled what Woohyun told me earlier that day, about Sung Gyu admitting it himself. Sudden anticipation materialized inside me, and I waited for it to come by, but eventually it didn’t.

He sighed instead and breathed out. “-Things happened….it’s terrible, and now we’re stuck. It’s like a curse…I don’t even know…it won’t stop anywhere until one falls out…its complicated…it-,”

He let out and exasperated sigh, and the sound of leather followed; I imagined that he was gripping the steering wheel; there was ‘Shinedown’ playing in the background.

“I’m scared Eunji…I’m so scared. I’ve always thought my life’s all perfect; but it’s all because I’m running away from the truth. The truth is, it’s all messed up, and It’s hard to escape it.”

Pain constricted my heart, every single detail was casting themselves on my mind like carving on stone. It was all muddled up, but with much difficulty I tried to put bits and pieces together to form the big picture; when half of it was fixed, I could get a better idea of it all. Sung Gyu was in great big pain all on his own, whatever it was, was slowly oppressing him in that cycle which he couldn’t escape, and for the sake of the others, Sung Gyu was putting up with all of it on his own with all his might.

And they were crushing him; he’d be all crushed before he could even realize it.

“For one, I didn’t want to be the CEO, Eunji, I would have been a consultant, analyst, whatever; that is what I specialize in but this…I was forced to, and I had no choice but take it; and now, everything is happening like I wanted it on the first place…is that even right?”

I recalled him still working on wee hours, travelling back and forth, taking two flights a day; the word was that he collapsed in his personal wash-room, Sung Gyu had a poor health, what kept him up was his will power, and that too was slowly vanishing. I wished I could just wake up and hug him, tell him that things will be fine, but that would be wrong, that would stop him from seeking for mental relief.

This is what he wanted to do.

“I can’t even say no, you see. It’s like….like a huge debt I have to repay with all my life and I can’t even complain. I did it to myself, I let it all happen to me, I brought it all upon myself…I…I was a fool once; and what’s done is done…I have nothing to do about it but suffer the consequences…”

There’s silence, and I could sense the strain in his voice. It was like he would fall into pieces the next minute; I really wanted to hold him; but it wouldn’t be right.

“But tell me Eunji, is it wrong to fall? That was the only mistake I did. Regardless of everything else which happened, all I did was liking someone….what justifies it that it’s all my fault? It’s difficult…it’s so…”

Fall? Like? As though on auto pilot, my mind gathered the new pieces of information and attached them to what I had already figured out so far. The picture of that spectrum seemed to blur into color in my mind; there was a girl. A girl who is always sad, a girl who thought coffee wasn’t tea, a girl whom he loved. The handkerchiefs probably came somewhere in between though there were still loopholes. I could almost sense what was going on.

Whatever happened was morally constraining him…

Sung Gyu was afraid to fall in love.

There’s silence, his words hanging in the air from where he stopped, and finally, he let out a sigh. “Nothing good has ever happened to me…Eunji...nothing except-,” He stopped, mid-sentence, and his feet hit the break, slowly then the vehicle came to a halt. The engine was still rumbling, the music was still playing, we were in the middle of nowhere; possibly oblivion and he didn’t seem to care; neither did I. I was still pretending, he still didn’t know; and we were, we both were comfortable of how things were.

The radio began to play ‘Swithchfoot’s ‘I dare you to move’, something pained my heart; but I waited.

He finally spoke.

“Eunji, after Myung Soo, You are the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life”

And then it happened; the time stopped, my heart stopped, the music played on as though it backed a strangely wonderful dream.

“I know I was being cold to you…I was stopping you…being a fool but…you know Eunji, it’s not about you…it’s me…I’m just a cowardly fool…still living in the bloody past but….” He trailed off again, and in a raw whisper, he exclaimed as though releasing something he’s been refraining for so long;

“God! Jung Eunji, I like you”

It was only then that I learned how it was like to have my heart stop for real. Everything blackened out behind my closed eyes, the atmosphere became chillier and my breath constrained. It was as though I was living in a dream which I had never even wished to have walked into, a dream which couldn’t possibly come true;

But obviously had. Maybe I was still asleep, maybe I was still at Sung Yeol’s, sleeping on a veneer cushion with the twins on my sides, him still at the meeting, his mind slowly wiping me away from his world, throwing me under the rug…

There was silence, and the song was still going on as though it was meant to be. And he added.

“No…'I like you' is an understatement…it shouldn’t be that way…it-it...” He struggled for words and then suddenly it came out in a blur like a sudden spring rain on a dried, fruitless earth;

“I love you”

I love you.

He loved me.

He admitted it.

Kim Sung Gyu admitted it. Kim Sung Gyu said that he loved me.

He wasn’t going to wipe me away from his life, tuck me under the rug, sit on it like a bum and pretend I never happened; instead he acknowledged me…

Acknowledging was an understatement; he loved me.

Suddenly I wanted to bolt right up, Throw my hands and limbs at every direction I could, and scream that I loved him too. I wanted to get out on the road, run in circles like I’ve lost my ways, scream and tell the whole world that he said it, admitted it…finally…I wanted to cry a whole river and drown in it and never come back-

I wanted to bolt right up and kiss him on the lips like there was no tomorrow.

I wanted to crash the car.

For a moment I basked in this strange, strange dream, feeling the heavy beating of my heart, pressing my face on the seat trying to stop my tears from popping out. It was so outlandish, so surreal, so…out of a fairytale. One moment I was there, hopelessly crying in my heart for not to let it happen sooner, praying him for not to wipe me away from his life, wishing if we could change routes and go back in time, searching for ways to find a teeniest bit of hope…the next, I was confessed to; him unaware of the stark reality, he confessed to me. He probably never thought I was awake, he probably never even wished that I would be; if he did, he would never have told me the truth; if I was there, sitting beside him all dandy and alive, he would never have uttered a single word to me…

Whatever it was, it didn’t matter to me anymore. He loved me, thus nothing else did matter anymore.

All the hopes I lost, the audacity which abandoned me at the hardest point, they returned to my guts, I was energized, it was as though I was given another chance in life and it took all my will power to not to cry in pure ecstasy like never before.

The song ended then, just as Sung Gyu’s silence seemed to subside. He was breathing hard like he had run a mental marathon, and I could  feel his eyes on me, as though he was deliberately awaiting my response, which I very well should not show. I could almost feel him smile, I could almost feel the weight being heaved off his shoulders, I could almost feel the ecstasy he was in, and I content; if I were the cause of that smile, that would be one memory I would cherish all my life.

It was when ‘three doors down’s’ ‘Let me go’ started to play that the vehicle finally rumbled to life. It wasn’t appropriately the best song to match the situation thereof; however, it was okay; everything was okay, anything was fine to me as long as it wasn’t a very unconventionally impossible dream.

The next few minutes Sung Gyu drove in utter silence; the vehicle had taken up its normal pace, songs changed from one after the other. It was as though we had finally returned to the rightful course of time where everything real would happen, where life breathed and lived. I could sense the street lights rushing by and at every break between songs I could catch the soundly snores of the twins. Sung Gyu was probably fixed to the road but he was still singing along, every syllable he would say so stark and clear; all through that, I basked in happiness; still wishing I could crash the car…

The next thing I knew was that the jeep was already up the slope; and Sung Gyu’s voice was muttering things outside my peripheral view. The lights of my house were lit and Sung Gyu wasn’t in the seat beside me. I must have been too ecstatic that I had eventually gone into a brief sleep; from outside I could catch bits and pieces of the conversation.

‘She’s asleep….I know….yes…is it bad?’

Howon was there too. And after a few moments of the hushed conversation, I could hear footsteps crunch on the tarmac, him coming around to me.

On impulse, I closed my eyes tighter and tried to give my best in being natural regardless of how terribly out-of-focus I was. I had to repeat to myself that it wasn’t the right time to blow out the covers and it was working, apparently. When the door opened, and his warmth reached me, along with his scent mixed with the sweet tone of his perspiration, I was in a terrible battle of life and death; my feelings were literally strangling me spot-on.

He was so gentle, like he was handling flower (a rather big, ugly, heavy one) when he ran his hands around me and hauled me into his arms. He acted as though he was used to it, as though it was something run on the mill and Howon too didn’t seem to negatively react to it. He was warm but his palms were cold against my skin. My head was on his chest, the beating of it was fast, uneven but to me a reassurance that this wasn’t a dream after all. I breathed in his sweet scent, it made my head hurt with so much of joy, and I had to give my best to hid the impulse of clutching onto him. I restrained, and concentrated on the conversation going on.

“Is she drunk?” Howon was asking, and I realized that he was way behind him, Howon was still limping quite after he twisted his ankle but was staying nights here with me since my father was yet to return.

My father.

I felt like useless crap. How on earth could a daughter forget her father?

“No, she is not” Sung Gyu firmly replied, without missing a beat.

“Then what happened? She doesn’t seem good, hyung…”

Sung Gyu was hesitant, I could imagine him screw his face. “She…had a terrible day, Howon. She’s all worn out”

“I can see that…and there’s a huge plaster there, how would you explain that?”

Sung Gyu sighed, and carrying me, he was already breathless and beat. “T-there was a…situation…”

“Hyung-“

“Look, Howon. Tomorrow, Eunji will explain everything tomorrow…”

Howon was silenced, but he was probably boiling in rage. It wasn’t that he disliked Sung Gyu, he had no reason to; and Howon never was the type to do so; but he had a habit of being overprotective and overreacting. He would always respond to anything; good or bad; in a peculiar way that it scared me, he had his own…issues, and sometimes it came with other emotions like anxiety, fear…and jealousy.

“She should better” Howon said at last, his voice evidently crest fallen.

“She will…let’s just end this conversation here….” Sung Gyu said, sounding grave. “I’m sorry, but it’s been a terrible day for both of us…and there are my nephews sleeping in the car, I need to get back to them…”

Howon said nothing, and out of gut instinct I figured that we had finished the stairs and had finally reached my room. Howon’s warmth went past me, his sweater brushed the skin of my calves and the familiar creak of my bedroom door followed. There was a momentarily pose, a silent, cold battle between the men, and Sung Gyu once cleared his throat. A sigh erupted from Howon’s side. “Ah, fine!”

He went past me again, and I could hear his feet padding against the carpet just as we entered the room. It scented of lavender like it always did, and I wondered where ‘Puppy’ was. He had probably gone to wander in the bathrooms so I left that thought to rest, finally focusing my mind on what was happening there.

After all the lines, vines and trying times, Sung Gyu and I had finally come to this. I felt as though I had leaved an all new chapter in life.

My room was still in darkness as Sung Gyu padded across carpeted floor towards what was probably my bed. He laid me down there, carefully, without hurting a single inch of me, and I had to give the best of my acting; he didn’t even feel or sound like he had caught up with it. Once I had settled comfortably on my pillow, I realized that he still hadn’t moved away.

Kim Sung Gyu was still there, in my room, over my bed, hovering above me, watching me.

It all still felt surreal.

And I still wanted the car to crash.

“I’m going to let you go…” He said in the end, just as I was getting accustomed to his breath on my face.

“I’m going to let go of you…because it’s so difficult to me…because I’m a coward and I don’t think…I don’t know if I’d….If I’d be able to forgive myself if anything goes wrong and hurt you in the end…”

I held my breath, the audacity had fully returned. I was determined to fight.

“I’m in such a difficult position right now…it’s hard for me to handle it all at once…so I hope…” He stopped, and there was sorrow in his voice. “I hope someone better will court you…one day, someone who’s not afraid, who’s not a coward…Eunji, things will turn out for the best for you….one day…I’m sorry”

I felt him move closer then, his palm pressed against the softness of my pillow beside me, the other on the bed, his warmth enclosed the air around me, his scent took over my breath; and for one split moment the time stopped again, his voice began to ring in my mind.

He moved closer and closer; and his lips pressed on the inch by my temple, rested there softly, warmly, his stubble rasping my skin, and in a gentle movement he pulled away.

“Good night…”

He tucked me under the covers then and swiftly moved away from me. The warmth subsided soon; I felt rather lonely in an unexpected way; but that was okay. I was going to fight, whatever which hindered him from accepting it, I will fight for it and get back that warmth that he claimed I had  lost.

“Good night…Jung Eunji”

‘Good night, Kim Sung Gyu’

Say it, I love you.

‘I love you too.’

Was it sappy?
Ah...I don't care. I'm sorry, it didn't end the way I wanted to so basically, we have three (or maybe four) more chapters to go. Tell me if I'm dragging it, I can domething about it. :)

I finally got this down because I was motivated by Sophie Kinsella's novels, I'm obsessed by her stories; despite her peculiar style of writing, every story is so different! I want to be brilliant like her one day, I hopw she writes more books, I have only three books left of her work to read now.

Anyway, apologies for the long chapter, I hope you enjoy!

Loads of love.

Achini.