They say that one’s first love is an entity to leave a memory on her which would last in her heart for a lifetime; blooming over and over again, whenever she recalls the memories which she had cherished. When I realized that I was in love, and that one love was my very own batch partner Kim Myung Soo, I didn’t think he would be leaving me memories as my first love, standing beside me solely as someone who cared for me; what I was initially convinced was that he, Kim Myung Soo wouldn’t only remain as a first love but come to the state as my only love; reciprocated, cherished and cared for. Later on I realized, it had been nothing but a conquest, or so I thought. If things had twisted of in an entirely different manner, things would have been much much different. My first love had been reciprocated, but he had refused to accept change; my first love had been reciprocated, but I couldn’t love him anymore. Just one mistake, by a snap of a finger, my heart changed its directions, I had moved on.

And now the conquest I had been left with was even tougher, trapping me into a dilemma where I had to choose between the man I think I love and the man whom I think loves me; or, quite eccentrically, to unsolved the mystery and unveil it if the man whom I love is the very same man who loves me. Looking at the two entities though, I realized, they were quite, sadly, contradictory. Fate is such a cruel thing, you see; it leads us in direction where much harder and perturbing conquests exists. At times though, I wonder, if they were what which god has made for us to build our lives, or to make our lives more challenging than they were originally ascribed.

The greatest challenge that god has left in my hand now, however was to restrain myself from panicking when my father had been seized by something which utterly burns my heart to its worse.

Right after Myung Soo’s Heart-wrenching confession and the intimate moment which led me into a frenzy of emotions, Sung Gyu informed me of my greatest fears; my father, my dear father, my father who had diligently brought me up to this state for nine years without letting me once feel the loss and loneliness of being brought up without a mother had been seized by a cardiac attack.

The moment I received the news I decided to head straight back home. He needed me there, my father; and Woohyun, just as for the gentlest self he was, understood my situation and left me off. Since Sung Gyu was already planning to home the next morning, to my utter contentment offered to accompany me back to Seoul.

Sadly enough though, after the entire turmoil, Myung Soo was nowhere in sight. He held me close after I heard of the news though, and promised me that my father would be alright; but when I refused when he offered to accompany me, I realized; I had pushed the wrong button. He left me then, and I felt as though he left me planning to never return. I must have been out of my senses at that time, surely, otherwise I would have known what I was doing.

However though, in the end I was glad that I ended up travelling back to Seoul with the very person whose affection I soughed after.

Unconsciously, I drew imperceptible patterns on the cold surface of the shutter, my mind blank and heart shattered. At times I wondered if I was being too emotional, if I was taking things too heavily into my heart. Of course, it wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t grasp the fondness that Myung Soo had been harboring for me for god knows how long, of course it wasn’t my fault that I unconsciously kicked it away, whatever he had planned for me under his sleeve; of course it wasn’t my fault that I happened to move from one heart to another, I could have stopped it, but I couldn’t because that was what my fate had deliberately planned for me; however though, I just couldn’t get over the undeniable pain of guilt in my heart.

We were in a taxi, Sung Gyu and I; him seated beside me, gazing out of the shutter just as I was. I felt lost, while he seemed to know his ways, I needed comfort while he seemed mighty enough to give me what I wanted; but only I felt as though it was too much to ask for; I had done wrong enough to so many people, and it was unbelievable, how I hadn’t gotten note of it before, and even after I had, I wasn’t doing anything about it.

Or maybe I wasn’t supposed to do anything about it; maybe that was how god had plotted out this life for me.

Throughout the ride to the airport, both Sung Gyu and I remained in utter silence. It didn’t make us feel uncomfortable, it didn’t make us feel unwanted of each other’s presence, in fact the mere feeling of relying on each other was blatantly perceptible; it was as though we both needed it, it was as though we were providing it for each other, it was as though we were building walls for each other to secure our personal spaces to ponder upon what muddled our already messed up minds.

At the airport Sung Gyu helped me by carrying my bags; since he was staying for one night, he hadn’t brought in anything more than a simple carrier bag, and after we had checked in there was a fifteen minute wait, during which I stared into blank spaces while he watched the people passing by. What was wonderful in this ceaseless silence was that it wasn’t any awkward for us, I could almost hear his voice wordlessly speak to me, but only I couldn’t make out what he was deliberately trying to say. I was in too much of confusion. The emotions were too much to handle, and I had no idea where I would be if Sung Gyu didn’t show up to preserve my delusional self.

During the flight Sung Gyu let me take the window seat while he took the other, it took me a moment to notice the strange woman beside him who eyed us in such a provoking manner, I could easily figure out whom she was and the reasons why Sung Gyu switched the seats, I was thankful, honestly; even if he didn’t utter a single word, I could almost feel his affection; it was as though he was radiating of it.

Even after the landing we didn’t speak, but wordlessly went ahead with whatever we were to do. He had left his vehicle there at the airport since the journey was supposedly short for him, thus once we left the airport he wordlessly drove me straight to the hospital where Howon said that he admitted my father to.

It rained when we were on our way, loud and heavy thunder breaking which sent bolts through my heart, bringing me those horrifying memories from the past. Sung Gyu the radio then, once he sensed that I was stiffening with every thunder which broke, and throughout the ride, we didn’t utter a word but basked in the utter silence between us, Nell singing over the soft sound of our breath.

It was still raining even when we had come to the hospital curb. The underground parking was closed, apparently, since someone had been run over in there so he had to park the car on the outside parking lot in the ceaseless rain; once he had killed the engine, with a concerned look in his eyes, he turned to me. Although he didn’t utter a word, I could almost sense it what he wanted to know. I looked out the shutter; the rain was so strong that I could barely see the hospital building if not for the brightly illuminating lights. Thunder broke incessantly, lightning crashed, and in response I closed my eyes and looked away. Sung Gyu got the answer that he needed.

Moving as though on cue, he produced an umbrella from the back seat and turned to me.

“Come now…I’ll take you there”

Without a word, I complied.

Through the incessantly falling rain, Sung Gyu led me through as though he was ushering and guarding someone precious, constantly keeping me under the shade of the umbrella which could barely accommodate the two of us, I could see his shoulders being drenched but I couldn’t move to give him more space, his strong grip on my shoulder didn’t allow me to, and whenever thunder crashed, he held me closer as though to secure me from losing my composition. I was in too much of emotions at that time that I couldn’t actually figure out how and what to feel. Sung Gyu, by hook or by crook was deliberately giving me too much of emotions, and I was too afraid to question it myself.

Once we had entered the hospital which reeked too much of plastic, spirit and uncertainty, Sung Gyu folded the drenched umbrella and brushed his wet hair to a side. His shoulders were wet, drizzle was pouring down his face; however, more than that what caught my heart was his concerned gaze. With that affection unwavering in his eyes, he approached me and made the slightest of a smile.

“Are you okay?”

I nodded. He nodded back and led me to the reception where he urged me to ask of my father’s current situation. With a wildly beating heart, I waited as the pleasant young nurse went through the patients’ records. Sung Gyu was right by my side then, his hands wet and clenched, placed on the iron counter, eyes focused on the nurse’s doing. It was soothing, honestly to have him there than it would have been with either Woohyun or Myung Soo; maybe it was the effects of the feelings I had, but then again, the guilt I had after what had happened with both the latter, Sung Gyu was left the best option for me.

The nurse looked up and I held my breath, searching for anything which could be any bad in her eyes, but in response, she gave nothing away, nothing but an equally pleasant smile.

“Your father is doing fine, miss, he had been now moved to room 306”

Out of reflex with overwhelm of emotions, I turned right towards Sung Gyu and buried my face on his arm. It didn’t occur to me how irrational it could be, neither did it occur to me that Sung Gyu might even feel uncomfortable; all I could feel that very moment was that I was overwhelmed, all my fears blemished away, and all I wanted to do was search for my comfort zone and cry.

And apparently, it had been him that my heart had been asking for.

At first he didn’t move an inch but remained the same as though he had lost his ways; after a moment though, he moved slowly and gradually, eventually holding me in his grasp. The scent of rain and apples seeped in to my lungs, his damp cloths now turned cold under the air conditioning was not doing any good to stop the warmth incessantly pouring into my heart as though he was showering me with the love that I was earning for; his hands rested on my back, patting me gently, and I buried my face into his shoulder and cried. I cried and cried until I had poured out all the tears I had held back all throughout the day.

Once I was certain I could finally hold on, I gently pushed him away and he held me at arm’s length, smiling; with his slender long finger, he slowly pushed pack the strands of hair stuck onto my face.

“Better?” He asked in a whisper and I nodded in reply. “Much better”

“Then I guess you should call Howon now.”

Howon, he literally slipped my mind.

“Oh…yes”

With another slight node, he pulled himself away and I felt empty all of a sudden, I wanted to hide and stay in his warmth once more.

I rang up Howon, and he picked up at the third ring.

“Eunji…you’re here?”

“I’m at the hospital” I breathed out. “In the lobby”

“Cool” He said, and I figured, he was probably still walking. “But Eunji...”

“Yeah?”

“My Omma called…”

“Oh...” I replied.

“Since you’re here, mind if I go home?”  

I turned to my right, eyes searching for Sung Gyu and found him by the reception, smiling while talking to the nurse there; he probably was busy, that he claimed he should return before morn earlier that day thus I didn’t reckon he could stay any longer let alone drop me off before he head home. It was raining cats and dogs outside with an occasional break of thunder that I couldn’t imagine myself going home alone or staying alone either; But of course, what howon did for me was more than what I’ve ever done for him; asking him to stay the night would be too much to ask for at this very moment where he helped me out in a way that I could never repay; thus, with a deep breath, I returned to the phone; “Yeah, sure, you can go home, Howonnie…”

“Okay then…” he breathed out and I could hear him move his phone from one side to the other. “Turn around, Eunji, I’m right behind you”

“Oh…”

Just as I said, Howon was behind me, a smile plastered on his face, hair turned blond this time. It had been days since I last saw him, and he; of course, being the chameleon he was had done what he loved; I was glad, for some reason, that it wasn’t jet black.

“Howon…”

“Aren’t you going to give me a hug?”

I smiled and rushed towards him only to throw my hands around his neck. He literally pulled me off my feet then but hugged me close, chuckling all the while. At the close warmth of him, yet again, I couldn’t hide my emotions. Howon and I, despite all the hard time we’ve been through were inseparable. No matter how many people entered our lives, there was one person I was certain of to never leave my side, and that was my best friend; Lee Howon.

“Aye! Why are you such a cry baby?” He asked, laughing as I stepped back and wiped my tears with the back of my hands. I had cried, yet again, unconsciously, and that, I realized was because I was indescribably content of how much of a wonderful, precious person that Lee Howon was for me. I had always believed, trusted my father’s words, he had always told me the truth and what mattered in life the most; and when he said that Howon and I would last for so long, I knew, even now that he had been perfectly right.

“Aigoo, Eunji-ah…”

I reached out and hit him on his arm. “Shut up you-!”

He laughed and patted on my head. “Okay, okay…cry all you want”

I pouted.

“The lover boy there will take care of it” he said then, his eyes focused on somewhere else, and with a quick wave and a smile, leaving me confused, he buried his hands in his pockets and made his way out of my sight.

Just when I turned back to where Sung Gyu was, what I found there was his hand holding out to me one of those handkerchiefs’ of his instead. I looked up, only to find him smiling the gentlest.

“Take it…the collection, remember?”

“What?” I asked, confused.

He reached out then, still smiling and placed the handkerchief against my cheek. I couldn’t explain just how frantically my heart reacted at that time, almost chocking me, neither could I utter a single coherent word but stand still as though I were stoned. He pulled back and held his hand out to me. I realized, the cloth was drenched of my tears.

“The waterworks….”

Blood rushed to my cheeks then, out of embarrassment, and despite how unlikely it was of me, I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and tried to smile. My heart was at a frenzy then, my mind was all blurred and fogged; Kim Sung Gyu, apparently was doing no good, on his part, to how I felt.

We stood in silence for a moment then, as though frozen in the moment. After a while though, he stepped away and looked at me before starting to walk. It took me a moment to realize what was happening, and when I did, I ran after him; he had already strode away quite a distance from where I stood.

“Sung Gyu-Ssi, where are you going?”

He stopped and made a face. “Why, to your father’s room?”

“But-?” I began to argue, feeling confused. “It’s late…and you’ve got work tomorrow…”

He reached down and lightly pushed back my head. “Yah. I’m going to see your father since I came here? It’s not like I will stay…”

I shrugged and pushed his hand away which was still hovering over my face.

“Ah, whatever”

 He laughed and took me by my wrist. “Come, come now…I don’t have all the time in the world”

Once we were on the lift, Sung Gyu punched in the number which was apparently not the floor where my father was on.

“Eh? Isn’t it the third floor?”

Sung Gyu watched as the numbers moved by over the door, pretending to not to hear me, thus I tried again.

“Yah…it’s the third floor!”

He clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes. “Be silent and wait will you?”

“But-?”

He turned to face me. “Jung Eunji?”

“Oh?” I asked, confused. He held up index finger then, and pressed it on his lips. “Shush”

The sixth floor was where the VIP suits were; this, I learned when we finally stepped into the familiar hallway where we came twice prior to then. The corridor reeked of the same scent of plastic and spirit, and a few nurses passed by in hurried steps. I, feeling my cheeks burn and heart beating wildly, stared at the hall before us in befuddlement.

So this was what he had been doing with the pretty nurse back there.

“You…you changed my appa’s room?”

“Hm” he nodded and smiled at a nurse who passed by. “it’s six-o-three, let’s go”

“But-!” I reached out and held him back by his wrist. He stood still and looked down at me with a smile. “Hey, don’t worry, it’s my pleasure”

“Sung Gyu…” was all I could mutter instead of showing him my earnest gratitude for all that he was doing for me. He let out a discontented sigh and slowly pulled his hand from my grasp. “Eunji…don’t think too much”

“We’re going to settle this” I said in the end. He pretended to not to hear me then but walked ahead, reading the number on each door; feeling burdened by what I owed to him, I ran after him and took him by his arm ones more.

“Kim Sung Gyu-Ssi, I said I will settle this”

He still pretended to not to hear me but walked on, dragging me alone. I was beginning to get irritated.

“Sung Gyu-Ssi I said-!”

“Aish why are you so noisy!”

I retrieved my hand and pouted sadly. “I want to settle it”

He smiled slyly and turned away. “How?”

“Anything! I swear! I would do anything you want…”

He didn’t reply though but walked on until we found the right door. “Ah. Here it is….” He tried to open the door then but apparently it was locked, signifying it that my father wasn’t in yet. There was a line of sky blue plastic chairs on a side and Sung Gyu sat down, letting out a long sigh. “Let’s wait a bit”

I too followed him and sat down beside him, taking a long breath of the cold air surrounding us. Few people passed by, a few old men and nurses in white; all these, we watched in utter silence. After a while, he turned to me.

“Hey, Eunji-Ssi”

“Yeah?” I asked, staring ahead.

“Are you still thinking about settling this?”

I shrugged. “I’ll start this later since you’re not listening to me now”

He chuckled in retort. “I probably won’t hear you out even then…”

“Hm…” I replied, focusing my eyes onto my hand. “But I feel guilty you see”

“About what?”

“You helped me out a lot, I have nothing to give in return”

I felt him staring at me for a briefest moment before leaning back and closing his eyes. “You don’t have to give anything in return, Eunji”

Out of reflex, I stared at Sung Gyu in wonder. He had his eyes closed tight, head leaning against the white wall behind him. The dark long lashes rested listlessly on the base of his eyes, lips parted the slightest; I could easily grasp the sound of him in taking sharp breaths, once long at times as though he had run a mile. He looked weary, tired and deprived which left me wondering; for what reasons-even when he obviously seemed as though he needed a good sleep, of course he had two flights in one night- did he agree to accompany me and also bring me to the hospital when he could barely keep his eyes open? But of course, being Kim Sunggyu, he gave me no answers, he wasn’t up for the settling game either; instead, he kept himself unmoving all through which I watched him in awe.

“Quite staring” He muttered after a while, befuddling me out of my soul. I turned away out of flex and stared at my clenched hands as though to pretend nothing happened, he proved me wrong though; not any sooner did I hear an unmistakable scoff from his part.

“Aren’t you tired?” I asked, in order to cover up for what just happened. My cheeks were burning out of embarrassment, I honestly wished I could hide somewhere and cower until he decided to leave, but momentarily I realized that some things just couldn’t be helped.

“No” He retorted briefly, still leaning on the wall.

“But you are…you should go home-,”

“I’m fine, Eunji”

I sighed and turned away. “Fine, suit yourself…”

“Are you still thinking of settling things?” Sung Gyu asked again after a while; they still hadn’t brought my father to his room and it just seemed to take more time; most importantly, Kim Sung Gyu was still reluctant to leave but hang around like a lost soul.

“Nope” I simply replied, glancing at the lift which remained unmoving. “If you’re willing to be a good guy and consider me charity, well, that’s just fine…”

He sighed from beside me and finally moved, resting his hands on his knees. “I’m not pitying you or anything”

“Mmhm…Sure”

“Really now Eunji?” He asked again, amused and I turned to face him. “What are you getting at, Sung Gyu-Ssi?”

He smiled. “If you’re taking things to your heart, please don’t flatter yourself, I did it out of courtesy, besides I have enough money to buy the entire Korean Peninsula, Eunji so the hospital bill is nothing for me…”

But of course, I was imagining things, however what troubled me was whether men did pay other people’s hospital bills and switch them into VIP suits out of common courtesy under regular basis.

Or was it just Kim Sung Gyu?

“Yeah, yeah…” I said, nonchalantly and folded my hands on my chest. “I get it”

“Get what?”

I smiled. “That you’re being conceited”

He couldn’t even venture a good response though, because just then the elevator doors parted, revealing my father on a wheel chair with an IV tube on a stand and his usual fatherly smile. Seeing him, I forgot everything for the moment, even the sheer existence of Kim Sung Gyu. Seeing him up and dandy was more than enough of a reassurance of his well-being, his very smile even more so. It took so much of my will power to refrain myself from throwing myself into his embrace.

“Appa!”

He laughed softly and looked into my eyes. “Aigoo, look at our Jiji…”

“You scared me!”

He smiled as I took the wheelchair from the nurse. She walked before us then and hurriedly proceeded to make the bed. Sung Gyu was finally up on his feet, watching the nurse as she skilfully laid the sheets and set the IV tubes; I could almost feel my father giving me a knowing look.

With much care, the two nurses laid my father among the white sheets and did what’s necessary to assure his comfort. My father was being reluctant though, for he always hated being cared for too much; he was never of the needy sort but he sure did enjoy being needed; it quite did remind me of a certain young man.

After my father had settled down, the nurse approached me and said that my father required a peaceful sleep thus I should let him be for the night. I agreed without a word, even Sung Gyu consented as though he had anything to do with it; after I had kissed my father Good night, both Sung Gyu and I walked out of the room and I let out a long sigh, stretching my arms.

“I don’t want to go home tonight” I informed afterwards once the nurses had gone on their ways. “Hoya took Puppy home tonight, it’s dark and lonely there…” with a yawn and completely feigning ignorance on Sung Gyu’s presence I sank back into the nearest plastic chair. As though on cue, he followed and sat beside me; to whom I gave a surprised look. “The hell? Aren’t you going home?”

He sighed. “I am…but I’m tired, can’t I just rest a bit?”

“You can go home and do it” I said, massaging my arms. It was getting colder in the hallway, and of course the crowd was ceasing for the night. The lights were already dimmed and even the sound of our breath resonated softly in the silent ambiance. Sung Gyu on the other hand seemed oblivious of it all. Instead he simply leaned back again like he did before and closed his eyes. I tried to not to get distracted by the perfect body proportions of his, at how impeccably that jawline was formed and looked ahead.

“I can’t drive yet, it’s raining…”

I ventured out a mocking laughter and noticed how my voice trembled due to the coldness. “You’re just lazy…”

“Mmhm…”

I sighed in the end, irritated of the ceaseless cold air engulfing us and climbed up on my feet. “Sung Gyu-Ssi, its cold out here…”

“Then let’s go inside” He muttered, still having his eyes closed. “There’s a heater in there”

With much reluctance, as would an old man, he followed after me as I went inside. It was obvious that he needed a good rest yet I was clueless as to why he was so reluctant to just up and go home. His cloths were cold after being drenched back there in the downpour and convulsed the slightest, however, I realized it was futile just to force him out of the place. Maybe he was just too tired, and maybe he was just afraid of driving in the rain, exhausted in the middle of the night.

Without a word, he turned up the heater of which the controller was on the wall beside the sofa which was kept for the visitors in a corner of the room, and I, after briefly checking on my father who was in a peaceful and soundly slumber, I too approached the sofa and sat down with a sigh. The very comfort of it relentlessly urged me to down and just simply doze off; but of course, I couldn’t while Sung Gyu sat on my side.

We remained sitting silently for a moment, feeling quite uncomfortable at how our warmth collided yet after a while, Sung Gyu wrapped his hands over his arms and pursed his lips. “Can you turn up the heater a little higher?” He mumbled then, thus I realized that I was the closest to the controller; but the tiny details of it was a little too complicated for my poor mind.

“Err…how-?”

“How what?”

I leaned over the hand rest of the sofa and looked closely at the controller which had tiny lettering which quite reached my limit of patience. “Where to press?”

“You see the red dot on the right?”

“Found it” I said, placing my finger on it.

“You see the arrows beside it?”

“Erm…yes?”

“Press on the lower-uh, no-upper one”

“Eh?” I shook my head, confused.

“The upper…”

I did as he said and waited for any changes in the atmosphere but I felt none.

“Did you press it?” He asked, sounding irritated.

“Yeah”

“How many times?”

“Um…once?”

He sighed, definitely irritated and turned to me. “Seriously? Once? Really smart you are, Eunji”

“What the hell!” I argued, sitting back out of irritation. Of course, having Howon and Myung Soo by my side at all times, my knowledge on all those technical doing had gone nil, sadly though, Sung Gyu was the last one to realize it. He didn’t let me make my argument though, he didn’t let me make myself clear about just how much I lacked in this particular trait; instead he decided to let my heart in an endless frenzy without even intending to.

Without another word, he leaned across me, reaching out his hand to the panel, unconscious of the fact that he had actually pressed his free hand somewhere on my thigh. He was so, so near me, I could almost feel his warmth radiating onto me, the scent of apples, spring and rain filled my lungs and the soft dark hair of his gently touched my cheeks. It was horrifying, honestly. I was afraid if he could hear the wild beating of my heart.

He leaned back then, only the slightest, as though to check the progress of his doing; the process of it brought our faces dangerously closer. When his breath hit softly my cheeks, I drew in a sharp breath, gaining his attention and he turned to face me; our eyes met and I could swear that we were brought into a moment where we never truly imagined ourselves to be.

Our lips were mere seconds apart. He could have kissed me just then, but we both knew better of ourselves; he realized his mistakes thus he soon pulled away. I remained still though, frozen to the spot, befuddled by what just happened before him himself brought us back to earth. The air around us felt warmer and I wasn’t certain if it was solely because of him turning up the heater; my cheeks burned in embarrassment, blood draining from my head and he too, I could feel, cornering himself from where I sat and finally cleared his throat before standing up.

“I…I would get some coffee…and come”

I was simply unconscious of my doing that I nodded in return.

It was only after he had ceased from my sight that I could finally return to breathe normally once more. It was strange, honestly, how the simplest move of your loved one could send you off the edge; how you could swear you died for the briefest moment when you realize just how close your unrequited love was, yet emotionally stood so far away. These were strange traits that god had given to our frail hearts, maybe that was merely in order to indicate it to us, the truth that we’re always afraid to accept, the truth that we were in love.

It took him quite a while for Sung Gyu to return, and when he did, I realized, the awkward atmosphere had finally gone on its way. Sung Gyu was back to normal, looked less tired, and so was I; there were two cans of warm coffee in his hands one of which he offered to me before he sat down. I popped open mine before taking a quick sip; the very feeling of the warm liquid seeping down my throat was ecstatic, I could swear that it had simply killed my urge to doze in one go.

Sung Gyu sipped on his coffee soundlessly, deep in his thought. His hair was messily tousled on the top, which was absolutely adorable, and the scar from the last time was visible but I dared not to ask. Strangely though, the very sight of it made me think back to Myung Soo; my heart overwhelmed in emotions, the eccentric feeling of being trapped by my own sentiments truly beckoned me, and the memory of this very man witnessing that implausible moment broke my heart even more.

I glanced at him briefly then, and anyway decided to go along with what my heart really asked for.

“Aren’t you going to ask me about it?” I asked, hoping he would understand what I was referring to, but he had been in his own world at that time that he couldn’t get it.

“About what?” he asked, without sparing me a glance. I took a deep breath then, encircling my hand on the can. “About me…and Myung, back in Jeju…”

There was a brief moment of silence then, the heater made a strange whirring sound and we both glanced up before he finally replied.

“Do you want me to?”

Realizing that I truly did, I ventured a nod. He sighed from beside me and went ahead. “Then tell me, Eunji, what was it about?”

I grasped at the can even tighter, pressed my lips together and took a deep breath; it was unbelievable just how difficult it was for me just now.

“Myung Soo confessed to me….” I said, finally, in a voice he could have barely heard. “He said that he liked me”

“I figured…” He replied in the end, and sipped soundlessly on his beverage. “It seemed that way…”

I nodded, unable to say anything anymore.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I said I didn’t mind. He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat before he spoke. “Eunji, he isn’t the one you like”

I nodded, and bit my lip. Of course, he knew it that far.

“How…do you feel?”

I shrugged and clenched my hands. “I…don’t know…but he-,” I sighed and turned to face him. “Sung Gyu-Ssi…if he were a little sooner….? I can’t help it now….I…I love that person…I like”

“I understand” Sung Gyu said, in the end. “I understand…you can’t amend what you already feel…”

I nodded and heaved a sigh. “So Sung Gyu-Ssi…what do you reckon I do?”

He took another sip of his coffee and pressed it against his knee. “Tell him, Myung Soo the truth. He’s very sensitive, but I’m sure he’d understand…”

I nodded again, but stared at my feet, feeling horrible inside. Of course, I did a great mistake by lying to him the other night. I should have told him the truth, I should have been true to my heart, to what and how I honestly felt. It was unjust to drag Woohyun into something where he had no say in; of course this tale was based on Myung Soo, Sung Gyu and myself now, but I should have realized sooner, I should have seen it, grasped it, the underlying meaning of Myung Soo’s conduct; but I didn’t. Thus, as I always would, I just merely hated myself, and didn’t even bother to make things right.

“But Eunji” He called again, his eyes focused on his hand. I didn’t reply and waited for him to carry on; which he did, after a while, in a lowest whisper as though he was saying something which shouldn’t be heard. “Don’t hurt him…you know, he’s got a frail heart”

I could only nod in reply, for I was certain that I had done the worse, to him that I could ever imagine.

For the next few minutes, we finished our coffee in utter silence, allowing the hum of the heater to dominate us. It was midnight already, the rain had finally ceased, and owing to the silence, sleep was gradually coming upon me, however I tried to keep my eyes open, just for the sake of Sung Gyu who didn’t seem like he’d leave any sooner. He took both mine and his cans outside while I waited, burying my face in my hands, trying to kill my exhaustion. It was then that my father woke up, asking for water. I rushed to his side where he was finally awake; Sung Gyu arrived just at the moment and diligently helped him up. I poured him a warm glass of water and we both waited as he slowly downed it and kept the glass aside. I watched him anxiously. He had drained a lot, had lost his weight a lot; eyes were drooping and tired, and seeing him, I felt my heart cringe in despair. He had worked himself too much, and not even for his sake was I doing well in school. For all the commitment he made for me, I was doing just nothing; simply put, I didn’t deserve the parents I had.

“How…are you, appa?” I asked, mildly touching his head. He looked up at and smiled at me then, before taking my hand. “Jiji-ah, don’t worry too much! It was just a little …”

“But appa…you should take care of yourself…”

“I’m fine, sweetheart, don’t worry…”

I sighed and sat on the bed beside him. “You should be careful with the food you eat appa, and exercise well…”

He laughed and patted on my head. “I will be fine, Eunji…look at you! You should take a rest…” he turned to Sung Gyu who was standing beside me and smiled. “Were you here the whole time?”

Sung Gyu chuckled lightly and shook his head. “Oh, it’s nothing-,”

“Thank you…” Said my father with a gentle smile. “You helped us a lot, son”

“It was my pleasure…sir”

My father laughed and turned to me. “Such a modest young man….Eunji-ah, you better treat him well”

“Yeah…yeah” I muttered, looking down at my hand which my father held in his.

“And Ji-ah, you better take a rest now, both of you….you look tired”

“Appa too” I said, getting up on my feet. “Rest well, appa…”

He yawned, as if in reply, and Sung Gyu helped him to lie down again. He dozed off, almost instantly and we stood there, beside him, staring down at his peaceful figure. He had gone old, only now I noticed. He brought me up all by himself for eight years, not complaining once, not once raising his voice at me, taking care of me diligently, never letting me to feel the loss of my mother and tolerated all through the time of my mental breakdown; and to make up for all of it; I was doing nothing, nothing but wasting my precious time on doing nothing at all.

Feeling tears prickle in my eyes, I let out a sigh and stared up at the roof. “My poor appa….I’m such a waste”

There was silence then, and soon I felt Sung Gyu’s hand on my arm. “You’re just too tired, take a rest-,”

“I’m so useless…”

“Eunji” He called out, this time, running his hand behind me, pulling me closer. “Come, take a rest…don’t be like that...”

I shook my head, crying again since that was all I could do. I lost my mother, all for my foolishness and now, even after I had promised myself to do well for my father, I was being yet again, being useless. I didn’t deserve him, for all that he was giving me, I didn’t deserve my father, or my mother, not even Sung Gyu who didn’t seem like he’d leave any sooner.

“You should go home” I told him and pulled myself away before making it back towards the sofa and sat down, closing my eyes. I was tired of myself for being such a waste, yet what I couldn’t understand was why, despite myself, people approached me, the kind of people who shouldn’t do so approached me as though it was the most natural thing to do. But they did, nonetheless; even now he did, almost silently and sat on the sofa beside me. “Sung Gyu-Ssi, go home-,”

“You don’t look like you can stay alone-,”

“You shouldn’t stay here, with me…you see? What I’ve been doing all this time is hurting people. My parents, Myung Soo, Woohyun, and you too…so just why-?”

He reached out and took my hand in his. “We don’t need reason to be by your side, Eunji, that’s just how it is….”

“But why?”

“I don’t know” He said, almost in a whisper. “That’s just how it is…”

I took a deep breath, stared down at my hand before looking up at him. “You remember? That day I told you that I will tell you everything?”

“Yeah…?”

I sighed and squeezed my hands. “Sung Gyu-Ssi…I’ll tell you now…”

He nodded, looking down at me; I turned around, meeting his eyes.

“To be honest, Sung Gyu-Ssi I…I killed my mother”

There was this time, when I was young, that I tried to hide away from everyone around me just because I couldn’t be honest and expressive with anyone and that irritated me; I couldn’t help but feel as though I was a liar while all that time, I was merely lying to myself. I was oblivious of this one fact though, because I was young and naïve and easily put all the blame upon myself, but my father, as he always would, showed to me what the real problem was. It was all because I was human, like everybody else were, therefore I couldn’t easily give my trust, unless it was someone whom I considered significant. Thus I came to learn it that if I could be almost brutally honest around someone, up to the point where I could tell almost anything without bothering once about being transparent of my inner sentiments; they were the people whom I really, really held closer to my heart.

And that was the kind of a person Sung Gyu was for me, I realized that night. Not only could I be honest and expressive in his presence that night, but also feel light in my heart, as though he had lifted a great weight from my back. And that explained it all to me overnight that the person whom I could trust over my soul was the very person whom I loved with my whole heart.

That night, I told him everything that happened in my past; starting from my childhood, about how I came to be afraid of almost everything, how I became a spoilt little brat, about how it all came down to myself killing my mother, until the point where I became mentally ill to be healed after two years of therapy to become whom I was now. He listened to this all then, without interrupting once, without saying a word as though he were giving me an opportunity to pour out the weight of my world. He held my hand occasionally, and smiled where he should, I talked to him all night until I forgot where we were, where we sat or stood at this point of time. At the end of it all, I realized, Kim Sung Gyu was someone whom I would never give up on, no matter what it would cost me because he was someone significant, even beyond, and I needed him in my life.

Later on, I had dozed off on his arm.

It was by the sudden movement below where I lied that I finally opened my eyes, only to realize that I, in fact, was sleeping on his lap. I panicked momentarily, feeling blood raising to my cheeks, yet I realized that he had his hand resting on the side of my head, trapping me to where I was. I tried calling his name a several times, which sounded just as futile; thus with much effort, I found his hand which had gone quite cold and slowly pulled it away, extricating myself from his grasp. What I came to see when I finally sat up was him, Kim Sung Gyu, sleeping soundly against the backrest of the sofa, his head limply fallen to a side. It was truly an adorable sight, just seeing him peacefully asleep made my head feel lighter and I simply thought back to the night before. It was just around three or so in the midnight at that time, the hospital was awfully quiet, and I could hear the soft snoring of my father over the sound of Sung Gyu’s breath. He was beautiful even while asleep; and this beauty, I figured, wasn’t solely based on how impeccable he physically was, but his heart; his heart which he would effortlessly devote for another with goodwill, and that only would make him more wonderful than he already was. I couldn’t help it but wish it that he, Kim Sung Gyu would be the man that I’d spend my entire life with.

I stared at him in awe, at how his eyelashes trembled against his creamy white skin and how his lips parted slightly, drawing in every breath; I stared at his jawline which was formed just in perfect proportions and the angle of his neck where I was tempted to run my fingers down. I felt uncomfortable at my own thoughts, however, Sung Gyu, as though reacting to my doing almost instantly woke up and I soon sat back as though nothing happened. He yawned loudly, his eyes shut tight and stretched his limbs as would a cat after a nap; in the end he turned to me and spoke in a sleepy hushed voice.

“Oh…you’re up”

I shrugged and gave him a smile. He began to search his pocket then, and with a sigh he pulled up his sleeve, only to look down at his watch.

“Darn, it’s three fifteen!”

I stayed silent, seeing that it was his cue to leave. And of course, given that he’s working the other day, he required a good rest.

He turned to me, urgency filling his eyes. “Eunji, I think I should go now…I’m flying to Busan in the morning tomorrow”

Hearing the name of my hometown, my heart fluttered with pleasure. “Omo! Really? Busan?”

He stared at me for a moment then, as though analyzing the reason and finally gave me a smile. “Yeah, Busan. There’s this hotel network which need their systems computerized, and are willing to invest on us; but only, the director can’t move out from Busan…” He cleared his throat. “Mister Choi is apparently differently abled, I have to meet him myself”

“Oh!” I exclaimed, realizing that I had paid attention to nothing more than half of it. It had been years since I visited Busan although my father went once in a while to check on our old house which he still owned, and the thought of Sung Gyu visiting there gave me the feeling of having him meeting my past, and the very thought excited me. “That’s great! You’re probably tired now, but I swear you would enjoy it…”

He laughed softly, the sound resonated through the empty room. “I sure will” He then stopped, stared at my father and turned to me; his lips were lopsided, a strange glint in his eyes; however I couldn’t read what he was thinking. I raised my brows.

“Your father…he will be fine right?”

I nodded in retort. “Yes. He needs to stay here a little longer though, since the doctors need him to take good rest”

“So you don’t have to stay the whole day” He pointed out.

“Yeah…I guess?” I replied. “But why do you ask?”

“Well…” He mumbled and clasped his hands together, fingers entangled. “I was just thinking…Eunji…”

“Yeah?”

He smiled, and sat upright before he replied; “Eunji, let’s go to Busan together…”

Sorry for the very very very late update.

Enjoy!