The first time I realized that I had strange, unsettling sentiments towards Kim Myung Soo two years ago, I was simply afraid of what was heading on my way. Owing to my ant-relation persona where I simply evaded having to be involved in any relationship where feelings of the extreme variety were involved, I simply wasn’t ready to accept the new change; in simpler words, I was afraid to accept that I had actually grown up. But now when I think back to it, it was probably god testing me, probably god was readying me to take up the challenge fearlessly, for this once, when I realized I couldn’t love the very same person I fell for, for the first time, when I realized that my heart had actually kept another step in my life, it was a bigger challenge than the first, it was a conquest with a higher difficulty level, and for some reason, I felt like I needed to succeed.

For some strange reason, things, all of a sudden seemed to be interconnected. When I finally realized that I had moved on, I felt as though I had found the roots of the tale.

This, once more, might sound as though it’s another one of my ever delusional hypothesizes, however, my conscious happened to tell me that he was the that I had been looking for.

But the letter, his conduct, and preferences didn’t seem to connect; conversely though, my heart was saying otherwise.

It was confusing, truly, therefore I decided to ponder on it another time.

While painting the walls of the new café was apparently not the right time to think of moral matters.

I didn’t even know whether these matters were moral, anyway.

I couldn’t attend the lectures again, on that day, although it was a Saturday because Sung Yeol scheduled it the day for the café’s renovation, which he had apparently renamed as ‘Yeollie’s’.
To be frank, though, I was worried if the very name would affect the customers’ appetite. By telling him about this, I earned myself my first helping of morning scolding, saying that ‘Ji’s’ sounded ty enough to scare the dogs away. I was annoyed, really, but I had no impulse to argue in return.

A few minutes later after we had begun work, the six of us, since half of the girls didn’t want to get their hands dirty, Sung Gyu immerged through the front door, sporting a determined look while dressed in the most hideous out fir of a T shirt which could fir two of himself and shorts, topped with a snap back. He was carrying a ladder as though he wasn’t the knowingly newly appointed CEO but a laborer, and when he witnessed us diligently working the sweat off, he greeted for a good morning with a smile, apologizing for getting late when actually he had taken his time to find the high ladder which Sung Yeol had asked for.

While I was happily doing my work, rolling the sponge over the wall, Sung Yeol came around to examine my work and hit my head.

“What?” I whined, annoyed.

“Do you think you’re painting a pigsty?” He scolded, gesturing at the wall. I followed his gaze and tilted my head. But of course, there were several ugly blotches, but I was certain that they weren’t that visible.

“Eunji-Ssi” Yeosob the new barista who was varnishing the wooden cabinet called out. “There on the right, I think it’s a little too much”

And he was standing way further from where I actually stood. Sung Yeol hit me again. “Aish! What’s there in this petty brain? You can get better use of empty bowls, you can store cream in them, but this!”

I sighed and dropped the roller back into the dray. “Ah! Fine! I’ll do better the rest”

“Oh no you won’t” Sung Yeol said, pushing me away and turned around to call Sung Jong who was apparently scrubbing the floor. Sung Yeol and Sung Jong, despite their differences in age were getting on really well; I figured, this was owing to their similar talents since they were both brought up to become terrorists in the near future.

“Yeah, hyung”

Sung Yeol gestured at me. “Let her do that, you can help Yeosob here to varnish”

“What?” I asked in pure horror but Sung Yeol was blatantly ignoring me.  Sung Jong on the other hand showed least bit of concern when he actually came around, took off the glowses and handed them to me along with the dirty piece of cloth and the basket of discolored water which was no good for a human to touch.

I had this great urge to pour it down Sung Yeol’s big head, honestly, but I decided otherwise since I didn’t want to make things worse. Simply without another word I grabbed the glowses, put them on, snatched away the cloth and the basket, got down on the floor and began to scrub.

It wasn’t as easy as it looked like, honestly. Ten minutes into the job, I felt as though my spine and my knees were giving up on me. But whenever Sung Yeol would turn around and throw me a cold glare, I’d stop sitting on my feet and start to scrub even more.

What made the job even worse was the paint that the others had spilled all over the floor, which I had to separately clean off using turpentine.

I was in the middle of doing this in a far corner where not many people were, scrubbing like my life depended on it, when suddenly a shadow darkened over me, along with the familiar scent faintly coming through the strong reek of turpentine. I looked up, only to see Sung Gyu approaching with the ladder.

It was strange, really. I felt as though he was approaching me.

I was almost certain that I was turning red. However, trying not to be obvious, I asked. “Sung Gyu-Ssi, what are you doing here?”

When he answered nonchalantly just how he would talk to the other employers, I felt the delusional thoughts of mine disappear. Honestly, I was imagining too much. It was the truth that my father said, that I was into watching too many dramas.

He pointed up, and I saw that the wall here was quite taller than the rest of the room. “It need some painting there” He turned back to me. “If you may, Eunji-Ssi…can you move a little?”

I stared up at him, at how the golden brown hair of his had almost covered his eyes, being pressed by the snap back, and at how boyish he actually looked and gulped hard. Being around Kim Sung Gyu definitely wasn’t healthy to my systems which worked extra frenzy in his presence. “Eunji?”

“Oh-oh…” I muttered, being pulled out of my memory and shyly I dragged the basket and moved away. He casually placed the ladder against the wall with such an ease as though he had done it several times before, and simply climbed up after placing the tray and the roller on a higher step. Soon, later, he was high above me, and I couldn’t help it but awe at just how capable he was. Wasn’t he the most ideal role for a husband? Of course, I was exaggerating things, but Kim Sung Gyu certainly was something.

However, when I felt strange just watching him doing his work, I returned to scrubbing the floor, trying to concentrate hard on removing the stains of paint with turpentine.

I was thoroughly and fully into my work when he happened to hiss all of a sudden and something fell, hit the ladder and finally I felt it hit my head before landing by my feet.

I turned around and literally screamed out but all that happened to come out was a rush of air. I was too shocked to even scream when I felt the sticky cold substance stuck to my clothes on my back, finally sticking onto my skin, it took me a moment to realize what had actually happened then.

Kim Sung Gyu, despite of how gorgeous, smart, humble, rich and lovable he was, never failed to make fender benders and simply put me into intolerable troubles.

The tray of creamy white paint lied on my side, staining the floor which I scrubbed just a few minutes ago, and to top it off he had also stained my cloths, my skin, and also my hair which I protected over my life.

Over all the pleasant feelings I had for him, I suddenly got the urge of committing murder.

“, , it slipped, I’m so sorry” He muttered, approaching me out of nowhere that I began to wonder when he had actually climbed down for the lethargic self he was. “Is it bad?”

I remained, unmoving, trying to refrain myself from hitting his gorgeous face with the dirty cloth in my hand.

“God, it is bad”

“Of course it is!” I snapped, wanting to scream in agony. “Why the hell are you so clumsy!?!”

“Come on…we need to clean it off with turpentine”

Turpentine. Turpentine? “Yah!” I screamed, I was at the verge of tears, honestly. “My hair would fall off!”

He sighed. “I’m not going to bath you in turpentine, silly! Come now”

Hesitantly and reluctantly though, I stood up and dragged my feet after him. He took the bottle of turpentine from where I sat before, took a pair of new glows, and made his way up to the platform where nobody lingered around which made me feel quite comfortable. I quickly made my way through, not wanting to gain any unnecessary attention, and when I finally arrived, he was already sitting on one of the steel tables, legs folded on the surface, a chair was already placed before him. The very sight, although it was very unromantic, made my heart skip a beat.  

“Sit sit…” He gestured at the chair. Feeling seriously uncomfortable, given that I actually had feelings for him, I walked to the chair, keeping my eyes down and sat down. I could feel his warmth on my back which was really uncomfortable, and faintly could grasp the scent of him. I tried hard not to bask in the comfort of it since it was killing me slowly inside.

And when he actually moved and undid my hair from its tights bun, my heart stopped beating, although his fingers weren’t touching me anywhere I could feel.

“Ah…it looks quite bad”

“Your fault” I said, keeping my voice straight. “What if doesn’t go off?”

“It will, okay? Don’t worry now”

I sighed and folded my hands on my chest. I heard him pop open the bottle after a while, and the piercing reek of turpentine soon filled my lungs. Slowly them I felt his fingers work on my hair.

“Your hair is quite long” He commented, which actually made me happy. “I’m sorry about this”

“Forget it” I snapped, looking out at the tarmac path outside. “There’s nothing left to do now. Why are you so clumsy? See how many times you troubled me, is it always me? Are you just a real walking talking catastrophe?”

“Talking would stick your hair together even more”

“Yeah right. It would be all your fault if I stay single all my life and die without giving dad any grandchildren…you know what? If that happens, I will be haunting your dreams!”

He laughed. “Really now? You won’t go bold you know”

“But still!”

“I would be dead by the time you die…and grand children? I’m sure your father is not looking forward to it”

The conversation was going nowhere, but suddenly I enjoyed the pointless discussion.

“Yah!” I snapped. “Why is that?”

“He wouldn’t want another set of screaming kids”

“Yah Kim Sung Gyu”

“Why are you calling me yah?”

“Because you deserve it!”

“I’m older than you” He said calmly.

I scoffed. “Like I care…you clumsy…”

He laughed then, and I didn’t speak anymore.

For a moment, we went on with our own doing. Me, trying not to fall asleep by his gentle touch while he slowly ran his fingers through the strands of my hair, rubbing his hands with turpentine once in a while. He was humming a slow then, which I figured as one of the songs he sang the other day, and he had his feet down, which were dangling on the other sides of me; I dared not to catch a glimpse since he was wearing shorts. But honestly, he had legs of a dancer, just like Howon’s which sent heat up to my cheeks. I focused my eyes on to the sky instead, and decided to think of something less intimate. I thought of puppy. Puppy whom I left sleeping on my bed in the morning that day. He must be waggling his tail and walking about, as always, which soothed my heart up to a certain extent, but the memory of our new neighbor who always complained about him barking all the time worried me.

“Eunji?” Came his voice all of a sudden, from somewhere far away, which brought me back to earth. “Were you sleeping?”

I almost palmed my face. “Was I?”

He chuckled. “Aey! If you are going to doze off, I’m going to go finish the work”

“Hey! This is your fault!”

He sighed. “I said I was sorry okay?”

“Sorry wouldn’t help” I said, realizing that my voice sounded groggy. “What if I won’t find my guys?”

“Guys?” He asked, laughing. “You are hoping to find more than one?”

I groaned. “What’s wrong with you!?!”

I laughed again. “Nothing, really”

“The turpentine got into your brain?”

“Probably…”

It was strange really, since he wasn’t much of a conversationalist that he and I conversed for quite a while. He was making fun of me all the while though, blabbering about grandkids and guys and this and that which easily got on my nerves, but it was nice, really, because I hadn’t heard him enjoying himself this much before. He must have been stressed out for the past few days that he didn’t quite seem to be up to the mood; and today he seemed much, much better, as though he had escaped a long term cause of stress.

In the end, however, he couldn’t take the paint off my hair. With a sigh, he sat back and dropped his hands.

“Not working?” I exclaimed.

“Doesn’t go off”

“What?”

He touched my head again, and replied. “We would have to cut it off”

“Cut it?”

“Not the whole thing, Eunji”

“But you’re going to cut it!” I screamed.

“I said it’s not the whole thing!”

“But cut-!”

“Shush! Eunji!” He said, in the end, exasperated. “If you start screaming again, I will seal that big mouth of yours”

I rolled my eyes, simply reaching the limit of my anger and whisked around. “So seal it then-!”

And I realized, simply, that it was a great mistake, for apparently, our faces ended up just inches apart.

For a moment, both Sung Gyu and I remained still, frozen in the moment, allowing the spring breeze to pass by. His eyes were widened, and under the balmy sunlight, I could see his irises so clearly, and I realized, despite how small his eyes were, they were beautiful they had the faintest tint of autumn gold and drew me in, in the very same way he did the time when I realized what my heart was asking for. His lips were parted the slightest, and his warm breath kissed my skin. Slowly did I realize what it was like to be in love.

Being in love was simply all about loving every single aspect of the significant other. Be it imperfect yet love, nevertheless.

After a while though, he cleared his throat and moved away, probably coming into realization of where we were. I too, since I had actually stood up  from the chair, stepped back and looked away, feeling my heart beating so fast in my throat and cheeks heating up. The effect Sung Gyu really had on me, they were simply implausible.

In the end he climbed down the table and gathered the stuff he had brought before turning to me. “Stay here, I’ll find a scissor and come”

Once he was out of earshot, I buried my head in my hands and moaned in frustration. Honestly, why was I trying to be that so transparent? Sung Gyu of course, didn’t seem to have anything which was beyond a mere acquaintanceship (Which was sad) towards me, moreover I was not, or I shouldn’t be, at all in his league of interests regarding where he stand on the realm. He was way beyond me in every aspect.

Then why was I even trying?

Why did my love story always had to end in a monotonous note?

Maybe I had no real luck in love at all.

After a few minutes though, Sung Gyu returned with a tiny scissor in his hand, and I gasped in horror.

“What…is that?”

He sighed and raised the equipment in the air. “I couldn’t find anything better?”

“What is that, exactly?”

He hesitated for a moment then, and eventually replied; “It’s from the first aid box”

After all, though, I had no strength to argue. Scrubbing the floor had taken best of my strength apparently, and I really needed to get it done with so that I can run home and clean myself of the paint I had on my back. Thus I took a deep breath and sat back in the chair. He sat on the table behind me then and got back to work; this time by slowly taking chunks of my hair stuck with paint and snipping them off as though he would cut the excess of grass in a lawn. I wanted to cry.

At the end of the operation, my head was nothing but a destroyed wreck, massive chunks of it missing here and there, as though I got myself a haircut from a five year old kid.

“That’s better” He commented, smiling and completely satisfied of himself. “It doesn’t look that bad”

“Shut up, Sung Gyu”

“No, really! It isn’t that bad-!”

“Sung Gyu, Shut up!!”

And that ended there.

The next day, since it was Sunday I had no college however Sung Yeol happened to call early in the morning to tell that they were doing the rest of the work we left the day before and that he did not expect my participation after the entire turmoil and spreading stories about me and the CEO-nim. It wasn’t my fault, honestly, because, despite how I feel, he and I were anyway close to each other; and if anyone wanted to interpret things in completely opposite ways, it wasn’t my problem; I myself knew what the truth was. But what annoyed Sung Yeol the most was not the stories or the massive stain on the floor which Sung Gyu rubbed off with turpentine later that day or me leaving halfway through the day; no. What worried him was the ugly mess of my hair.

“I don’t want you to be sitting in the cashier like a wacked Ji” He said, sounding strangely worried. “I can’t earn to lose my customers just because my employees look like whack jobs!”

But of course, I myself was developing a mental instability just thinking about it, thinking of who did it to me, even more so. I had to put the remaining chunks of hair in a bun although half of it fell out and stay in my room most of the time whenever my father was around; only Puppy was happy wagging his tail despite how I looked like.

I couldn’t go around looking like a dying poodle; therefore I decided to take the free day for better use and get myself a haircut.

I gave puppy a good bath to start off the day, made breakfast of egg and toast, stuffed myself, fed Puppy his breakfast, locked him inside the house and I finally set off. Since I wasn’t much of a hair person (Although I maintained mine for the purpose of attracting a certain someone) I didn’t know much about hair salons around where we lived. I called up Howon for help, without actually telling him what the purpose was since he already didn’t like Sung Gyu and found the place after a thirty minute long walk.

The place was small but fancy, just as how I would have expected Howon to choose, and there weren’t many customers that I immediately got myself a spot. The hair dresser was a pimp little lady with purple hair and glittery fake lashes. She was dolled up from head to toe which was quite disturbing, and all the bracelets she wore made an annoying sound whenever she moved. She wanted to know what needed to be done, and I without much hesitance pulled off the beanie I wore and undid my hair.

“Omo!” She gasped in utter horror. “What have you done?”

I sighed. “That wasn’t me”

“Then what-?” All before she could finish it, the front door opened with a jingle, indicating someone’s entrance. The lady stepped back to greet.

“Oh hello you!”

“Hey noona!” Said a familiar voice. I turned around then since I knew this particular voice all too well, only to be greeted by Nam Woohyun’s everlasting smile.

“You…Eunji?” He asked as though to reconfirm it. “Hey!”

I smiled and gave a quick wave.

“So uhm…what brings you here?”

“You know her?” Asked the lady then, to which he responded with a nod. “Yeah. I do…”

“Oh well…” said the lady, returning to my hair. “Woohyunnie, just so you know, she had ruined her head”

“I said it wasn’t me!” I whined in return, however it was too late for Nam Woohyun was already running his fingers through my hair. “Gracious, Eunji, What is this?”

I folded my hands on my chest and looked away, not wanting to meet his gaze on the mirror. “I don’t know, ask your best friend…”

“Did…Sung Gyu hyung do this?”

I nodded. “Long story short, he spilled paint on it, couldn’t take it off and snipped it all off…”

“Oh dear”

“Tried to wash it in turpentine too”

The lady gasped. “Really now?”

“Hmm…”

Woohyun sighed then and looked at me through the mirror with a worried look. “Eunji-ah…we have the summer shoot too….”

“I know…”

“What do we do now?”

I shrugged. The lady, however didn’t seem as upset as Woohyun was. With a small smile, she patted on his shoulder. “Hey, no worries…we’ll fix it somehow…”

“How?”

She smiled wider then and looked at the reflection of me on the mirror with a smile. “We’ll see”

In the end, the makeover session with much satisfying results. Woohyun was there to help throughout as though he knew about women’s appearances more than the hairdresser herself knew, his reason to visit the salon on the first place long forgotten; and much to his satisfaction and mine, I exited the place looking a lot humane than before.

In fact, she had transformed me completely, it was as though I had become an all new person. I looked grown up…in fact, I looked a little like my mother, which gave me the reasons to stop Woohyun from going to bash his best friend for what he did; besides we had plenty of time which shouldn’t go on waste on pointless things. I suggested we settle to get lunch instead.

Since Woohyun didn’t want to go get Sushi from this place where Myung Soo and I used to go to, claiming that he didn’t much prefer fancy restaurants since his life was already a little too fancy for his liking, we ended up getting Ramyun at a convenient store down the road. He was still grounded for the accident that he had no wheels to travel about with, thus we resorted to walk while sharing mundane conversations. Woohyun was a nice guy, a good conversationalist and courteous although he did tend to lose himself once in a while. This was what which drew me to him, whenever we were around, yet I figured there were no substantial sentiments involved. I was probably resorting to a getaway myself by maintaining this deceptive relationship of ours. However it may seem to him, or to any other, he was someone momentous to me. Someone who always kept my heart at peace.

After we had gotten ourselves the cupped noodles soaked in warm water, seasonings added; we settled down on a table facing the street and placed the noodles to be soaked well. We remained in silence, listening to the comfortable crackle from the broken air conditioner above, allowing the balmy sunrays of the mid Sunday to soak us in a golden light. Woohyun had his chin resting against his palm, eyes following the passersby, a faint smile on his lips. After briefly watching his conduct, I too sat back and watched as the vehicles moved by. After a while then, Woohyun reached over and pushed a cup of noodles towards me after getting his own; remaining in the pacifying silence, we both rolled the chopsticks between our palms and began to slurp up the content. It was comfortable, truly, to keep my mind away from certain matters which would always either break my heart ot put me into an excess of contentment. Kim brothers were of that sort to me, always putting me into sentiments of the either endings of the spectrum while Woohyun kept me neutral. I was neither happy nor sad when he was around. I would be just….ordinary. It was nice.

We continued to eat in silence for a while until a lorry came about and parked before us out on the pavement. Someone in a uniform came around and opened the door of the container behind, and began stacking the content from it on the cold tarmac outside the store. I watched him without much interest, noting how diligent he was while Woohyun rested his chopsticks in the soup, now probably lukewarm and stared ahead.

“The new look of yours” He said out of the blue, surprising me quite. “It suits you well”

My cheeks burned a little and I ripped my gaze away from the worker. “Well…Thank you, Woohyun-Ssi…”

He smiled and gawked at me, which made me feel self-conscious all of a sudden. I lowered my gaze.

“Well, to think now, what Hyung did isn’t that bad”

I was unable to respond since I agreed to it myself after the entire fit I threw at him the day before, thus I kept silent, looking into the broth in my cup.

He laughed. “He would feel much better when he would see you later on”

I forced out a chuckle in response. “Well, I hope…”

“Hmmm” Woohyun hummed after slurping up a mouthful of the food. He took his time to consume it, looking out the glass panel and turned to me once he was done. “Eunji-ah…I might as well ask you this now…”

I looked up, expectantly. “Hmm?”

He smiled and placed his chopsticks in the cup. “You look quite…pre occupied…might it be that…you have someone in your mind?”

“Eh?” In fact, I was quite rendered speechless, feeling extremely self-conscious if I had been transparent with my feelings and emotions. Of course I wasn’t that competent in hiding my sentiments, I was no master in poker face like Myung Soo was, but that, I never knew, would make me so vulnerable; that, I never knew would put me into this position where I’d be battling with dilemmas whereby to compile with of the numerous feelings I had.

Should it be the lingering feelings to my first love which still hadn’t ceased from my heart?

Or should it be the feelings I realized were gradually budding in my heart for another significant someone?

Or should it be the very man who sat expectantly by my side?

Was the secret admirer of mine significant too? Which would leave me in doubt again.

I was unable to answer, truly, for I had always had someone haunting the romantic department of my mind quite lately. Woohyun, somehow, as though he understood the uncomfortable spot he had put me in, made a light chuckle.

“Well, you see, Eunji, I’m quite talented with reading people’s minds” He leaned closer where I pulled back. “Especially of girls”

I smiled awkwardly and tucked a golden brown strand of my hair behind my ear. “Well, that’s quite a talent then”

He laughed again and sat back. “But truly, Eunji…are you seeing someone?”

Surprised by the question, I searched in his eyes any kind of indication of what exactly he was getting at. There was nothing, honestly. Nothing except for the playful glint of his which always possessed his eyes and the sincere smile.

But the feeling that he could be my getaway lingered constantly in my heart; however though, I was worried if he felt the same way about me, or whether it would be entirely different, provided that Sung Gyu was actually trying to set us up on the first place and there was this general indicator always coming from him at some occasions, saying that I could even be something, something a little more than I thought I were.

I thought I should respond conversely of my feelings. He didn’t necessarily need to know what I felt for his best friend or his brother.

Something which wasn’t…altogether a lie.

“Well” I began, smiling shyly. “To be honest…there is someone”

Woohyun smiled, pushing away his lunch which was long forgotten and rested his hands on the table. “I’m listening”

“It’s…in fact…someone I don’t exactly know”

He raised his brows. “You mean?”

I cleared my throat. “A secret admirer”

To be honest, I was quite expecting to see a shrewd reaction, a spark of realization maybe, but what I happened to catch was nothing more than a surprised smile, which would generally come from a man who was surprised to hear that someone had actually fallen for someone of the sort. I was quite crest fallen, really, because I actually expected something since I felt I knew what it was.  In the end though, I wasn’t sure anymore.

“Ahah…” He mused, seeming entertained. “But how do you fall that easily?” He asked then, curiously, his eyes narrowed. “Unless you know who it is…”

Honestly though, I wasn’t exactly in love with whoever it was, because it was hard to, without seeing his real emotions, without seeing his eyes, without seeing his smile, without feeling the true sentiments of his heart no matter how sincere his words in lettering could be. What I read were what came from an honest heart, this I knew. But I wasn’t sure if one could fall so easily in love with someone unknown.

If what I feel for Myung and Sung Gyu was what’s called love.

I smiled cheekily, feeling feeble and shrugged. “I don’t know, though…it just…happens? Maybe?”

He laughed. “True that….” He then looked up at me, eyes sending out a spark with a message which I couldn’t grasp. “When you fall, you just fall…but you would never know how”

To this I agreed wordlessly, thinking of my own experiences of love whereby I was still falling, but later on I realized he could have been indicating something more.

However though, something I made certain to myself after the soulful conversation we shared.

He wasn’t the owner of those words I read in every letter I got, he wasn’t at all the person I felt in the honest words. No matter how much I tried to link the elements I could never hear his voice in those thoughts.

The next day, with much hesitation, I woke up early in the morn to attend the Monday lectures. We were to kick off the week with a two hour long lecture of contemporary sociology which I enjoyed the least however, in the fear of failing the coming mock examination which I was informed of later through an email that it was scheduled in three more weeks (Much to my utter disdain), I lethargically went through the previous notes, cursed the notes which I missed, cleaned myself, had breakfast, ran the usual errands with Puppy and head off to the bus stop.

It was quite warm that day, since it was gradually nearing summer and the bus was bustling with crowd running late for work. Therefore I had to stand all the way to college which was quite the pain, and when I ran off to the hall, as always, I was ceremoniously late. It was when I entered the hall and made my way down the aisle that it occurred to me that I was, in fact to sit on that fated line, with that fated person in a fatedly awkward situation after the fated argument we had.

A cold chill ran down my spine.

At first I gave a second up on wondering if I should turn and simply head back home or squeeze myself in to an unknown seat but then again, it felt so cowardly; Myung Soo was my batch mate, the person I sat with for two years, the person who stayed with me through thick and thin, the person who relied on me while I relied on him, the person who trusted me with things he considered precious to him, the person who bore with me despite how slow and stubborn I was, and in the end, the person I fell in love with.

Of course, even if I wouldn’t have the feelings for him anymore, avoiding him would be simply cowardly, betrayal even, and I didn’t want him to completely disappear from my life.

I closed my eyes, standing in the middle of the hall like a real nut head and took a deep breath. When I opened my eyes though, the lecturer Mr.Choi was already staring up at me as if I was downright insane.

“Anything the matter, Miss Jung?” He asked, tilting his head, and the very instant, as though on cue, the entire crowd in the hall turned to gaze at me. I wasn’t any surprised, for go through this almost every day, but I let my eyes wander around, only to have them locked with the gentle brown ones of Myung Soo’s for the briefest moment before he ignored me and turned away.

It wasn’t that I wasn’t exactly expecting it, given that Myung Soo was quite the sensitive man (for which the reason I learned from Sung Gyu the other day) but when it actually happened, my heart burned in pain.

I walked towards my usual spot and slid into the seat, keeping my eyes lowered the entire time. Myung Soo scooted to the far end of the table momentarily, which again broke my heart, but I refrained myself from stealing a single glimpse of him. It was hurting so much. The next two hours was a silent battle between us, while we stared straight at the lecturer than we usually would. He scribbled endlessly, which I saw by the corner of my eyes and I began to do the same although I couldn’t quite follow after all the lectures I missed. This had never been my job anyway, for I always had him to do it for me while I washed his cloths or bought him lunch; thinking of all this in the end was slowly shattering my heart into pieces. I missed his bantering, I missed his smile, I missed our trivial conversations and endless arguments, I missed his strange ways of eating; I missed him packing my bag. I realized, although I didn’t exactly miss the uncomfortable beatings of my heart, I missed him so much.

At the end of the lectures, unlike we usually did, waiting until everyone else left, I quickly gathered my belongings, stuffed them into my backpack and rushed out of the hall. I had two more lectures with him for the day, sadly, since we both took the same subjects except that he took literature as an auxiliary, and what which always had been a comforting situation to me became uncomfortable overnight. I felt stale, wasted, I wanted to turn the clock back so I could make things better; but the memories of him being with Naeun and the fact that he hid this from me hurt me really bad, I decided to not think of it anymore.

I thought of Sung Gyu instead, and what he said about Myung Soo, that he would eventually come around.

Throughout the thirty minutes of recess, I stayed in the cafeteria on a carton banana milk, going through what’s done in development studies. This was the hardest of the subjects I took, the most inevitable too, and I always got through it without failing for two years because Myung Soo diligently pushed me through. I was thankful for that, truly, and I wished I could return to those days.

The next lecture was no different from the first, the cold war went on, me struggling to keep up with the pace, and during lunch I got myself a sandwich along with canned soda and secluded myself from everyone else, while sitting under a tree in the scorching sunlight, with perspiration wetting my skin. Lunch had never been so…lonely before, so silent for, even if he didn’t come for lectures, he would always call me up during lunch and heed me to repeat what I missed. I missed hearing his voice, truly, hell, I missed being scolded by him no matter how nervy it would make me feel.

The final lecture of the day though, gave me quite a surprise for when I went to my place, it was unoccupied, and I figured he was playing hooky on it. However, the table wasn’t completely empty, for there was a file with a neat stack of papers stuffed inside. Something fluttered inside me the moment I laid my hand on it, it was as though I could feel the warmth of his chest which transmitted to it while he held it, hurrying to class. It was so neatly placed, organized with colored strips which was so likely of him, it took me close to nothing to recognize it as his conduct, and I didn’t feel as bad as before anymore. Inside he had placed a letter in his neat handwriting. I expected there to be something more, something…emotional, yet much to my utter disappointment he had mentioned nothing more than the fact that they were the lecture notes I missed for the past few days and that they are organized accordingly. My heart fell at this though. I wanted him to come around; since Sung Gyu said he would, I wanted him to come around soon.

After gathering the notes and the file in my hands, I decided to ditch the final lecture which was international law and called it a day. I headed home first, hurried with my work, cleaned Puppy’s litter, cleaned myself, and headed off to SK C and C where Sung Yeol actually required my help there with organizing before the grand opening.

Little did I know though, but the moment I left, something of my little abode was terribly wrong, without my awareness.

When I entered the newly furnished café above which the annoyingly ugly ‘Yeollie’s’ in capital sat magnificently it smelled of varnish and wood and was bustling with the employees who had been given the new uniforms. They were quite nice actually, comfortable creamy white s with dark brown Chinese collars coupled with aprons and skirts for girls, there was a cute little cap too, and I realized they actually suited my new hair.

This new hair of mine, just as I expected it, earned diverse reactions from every other. Sung Yeol, the moment he saw me gawked at me as though I was a specimen of some indigenous species and acknowledged it in the end; Chorong unnie was quite excited saying that I actually looked matured; the rest were probably making other stories while Sung Jong, just as I thought, approached me and said that I looked exactly like my late mother.

This made me feel proud, honestly, with a tinge of nostalgia. My father, I remember looked quite shocked when he saw me the other night and hugged me close, saying that he couldn’t believe I was growing up. Later then, I heard him talking to my mother in the bathroom, which had been a norm since she died. I remember him doing that when I finally healed the trauma and when I got my first periods too. He did the same when I told him about Howon confessing to me, I couldn’t believe it that he was still doing it, up to now.

However though, I wouldn’t deny it that I was actually waiting for Sung Gyu’s reaction. In fact, I was eagerly waiting to meet him soon.

We were rearranging the tables and setting up the place when Howon came inside, looking quite out of place. He had changed his hair again, which was now in neon blue and his curious eyes were searching all over the place as he a couple of men filed in through the door, whom Sung Yeol attended to. I waited expectantly since he too, hadn’t seen me after the new transformation.

In the end, he turned to Chorong unnie and asked where I was. Honestly. Years of our friendship and he couldn’t recognize me. I wanted to bash my head on a wall.

After Chorong unnie had deliberately pointed me out, Howon approached me in quick steps, as though I were someone who had been lost for good hundred years before seizing me with my shoulders. I was certain that I had earned myself a several gawks from those around, some must be making tales already but the hell with it, like I cared.

“What happened to you?”

I shrugged. “Nothing”

He gazed at my hair which was now only reached my shoulders and back into my eyes. “Jesus, why did you cut it?”

“Long story” I said with a sigh. “To be said short, I got myself a massive stain of paint on it, and had to cut it off”

Howon looked seriously surprised though, because throughout the time we had been friends, the only time I cut my hair was when I got gum stuck onto it, or unless I needed to trim the excess, and I had never tinted it before, I must have looked pretty different to him, also given that my bangs were no longer there but brushed to a side.

After a while, once he had overcome the effects of the aftershock, he stepped back and pointed out; “Mark my words child, you’re never getting a guy with that ridiculous head of yours”

I wasn’t sure whether it was my intuition, however, I caught the underlying denial in his voice, as though he wasn’t truthful of his words.

A scoff erupted from a side, the source being none other than Lee Sung Jong. “That’s not for you to worry”

Howon, looking much surprised, turned around and widened his eyes, looking set back. “Who are you?”

“Someone who doesn’t like you” Sung Jong replied, nonchalantly as he wiped the trays of the espresso machines. I chuckled lightly, seeing that the atmosphere was getting quite cold and awkward before formally making introductions.

“Howon, this is Lee Sung Jong my best friend, and Sung Jong this is Howon my other best friend”

This though, went ignored and unheard. I decided to not get them intervened anymore, unless I wanted to cause a war.

I was up on the platform, arranging the newly placed umbrellas when the stairs up to it made a comfortable creak. It smelled of wood at that moment, along with a tinge of varnish, yet, out of reflex I searched for the familiar scent I loved; I found none though, instead Sung Yeol stood there, hand flung over the railing, with a smile.

I glanced at him the briefest before returning to my work.

“What is it Lee Sung Yeol?”

“Working hard eh?”

I rolled my eyes. “Just say it whatever you’re here to say”

He moved a little, which made the floorboards creek, and a rush of cold win passed by.

“He knows” He said in the end, which made me stop in the middle of what I was doing.

“Who knows? And what?”

“That person…” He said, sounding indifferent. “The guy who writes letters…he knows that we moved”

A shrill of excitement ran through my veins along with the enlightening curiosity. When I turned to him I was almost certain that my eyes shined.

“He does?”

“Mmhm”

I smiled and returned to what I was doing. “But Sungyeol…if you know this person, why don’t you tell me already?”

“Tell you what?”

I hesitated. “Who…it is”

He cleared his throat and the floor creaked once more. “If I did” He said in the end. “Would it be any fun?”

I pondered upon his answer and nodded in the end. “True that…this is kind of fun, actually…and exciting too…”

He laughed. “I thought so, you’re Jung Eunji anyway”

I didn’t get what he meant though, but Sung Yeol was known for being so random thus I didn’t question it. “You should give me a clue at least”

“Hmm” he said thoughtfully. “I don’t know…but I feel they come along then and there, clues I mean”

I felt a rush of excitement in me, and a tinge of disappointment since I still hadn’t come across any. I remained silent.

“Anyway, Ji,” he said then, a playful expression in his eyes. “Since you’re quite attentive, things would work out well…I guess”

I laughed. “You’re playing love guru, Sung Yeol?”

“Not exactly” He said, amused. “But I did feel you needed some love in your life”

“Why?”

“I heard” He said, sounding low.

“Heard what?”

He sighed. “That Myung Soo and you had a fight”

I sighed and concentrated on the umbrella I was working on. “It wasn’t much, really…”

“Hmm” He muttered, stepping away. “However, Eunji…I hope things will work out right…”

That evening the sky gradually took up a grim shade of violet and grey which well indicated that there would be a downpour soon. The rains just at the edge of summer weren’t exactly pleasurable, since they would always fall along with a brutal addition of thundering and lighting, and I would always be reminded of my old days, the days I spent crying in my room after my mother passed away on a similar night, therefore whenever I felt that it was coming on my way, I would dash and hurry to avoid having to be standing through it at all costs.

For the past few days when it happened, I would cuddle on Puppy and think of something nice, so when I made a run to the bus stop to catch the very next one on the line, my intention was to get home on time, craving for cuddles;

It was definitely not to get distracted by a certain handsome bachelor passing by in an all new vehicle as though it was the most natural thing on earth. Honestly, I was known to be distracted by almost anything which would catch my attention; I remember back in high school, my father had a whole lot of complaints lined up regarding this, but when I was thoroughly concentrating on achieving one goal, which was puppy cuddles before it rains, I didn’t actually think I would be so easily distracted.

Sung Gyu, despite being receptive in showing his true colours had actually gotten himself a shiny black vehicle, replacing the old grey whichever he drove before. It suited him very well, this new vehicle of his, and I couldn’t help it but stare in awe when it passed by, almost in slow motion and all of a sudden it stopped in the middle of the road, made a swift turn and reversed, befuddling me; and soon did he roll down the shutter only to stick his head out and gawk in sheer surprise.

I stared back, unable to utter a coherent word, surprised at just how high and mighty the new jeep, whatever, made him look. He was indeed a chebol prince in my eyes.

“What happened to you?” He breathed out after a while, still not having the expression of pure shock wiped off his face.

“What happened to you?” I return, gawking at the shiny surface of the vehicle where I could see my own surprised face.

He sighed and rested his arm against the door. “Come, get in….we’ll get that coffee we couldn’t that day”

“Eh now? Why?”

He smiled. “Why not? Guess we have much to talk about”

“Hmm” I nodded in agreement and walked around the jeep to the passenger door. He had it unlocked and pushed open for me; I climbed in with much hesitancy and buckled it up.

Unlike his previous car though, inside it didn’t smell of him; instead it smelled new, breezy, rich and so contrasting of him. It was colder inside and so silent that the sound of our breath and the rustle of our clothes were so distinct, it was as though I had come to a planet all new.

Sung Gyu was dressed in a simple black suit with his hair messily brushed to a side, looking much unlike a large scale company owner and actually had his phone kept on the seat between his thighs which was quite distracting. He rolled up the window and acknowledged my presence with a smile before driving off into the busy Seoul streets.

The rain began to pour soon after we hit the main street, and those who hadn’t really expected it began to run towards shelter under shops and bus stops. Sung Gyu the windshield wipers which moved on a steady pace, almost soundlessly, lapping the water as it went. All of a sudden though, lightning crashed heavily and I knew that loud thunder would follow soon after; closing my eyes tightly then, trying not to think too much of my past, I pressed myself against the seat. I had been healed of my panic attacks a long time back, and was told that it wouldn’t necessarily come back but there were the instances when my mind was extremely unsettled, flashes of that day when I found my mother sprawled and unmoving on the cold wet floor would come by. I took a deep breath and held it in; after a while though, smooth, soothing voices Celtic women overpowered the loud pound of thunder, and soon joined my Sung Gyu’s himself. I opened my eyes and saw him staring straight out at the road, blurry ripples of light emitted in the street reflected on his god-like features, and then his hand, strangely, was hovering right above mine. When he noticed my gaze on it, he soon retrieved it and carried on singing as though it never happened.

The fear soon subsided, and I basked in the beauty of the symphony of voices singing, Sung Gyu singing along.

The rain had ceased completely, although we still were in the dusk when Sung Gyu and I finally arrived at the Starbucks which was close by to where I lived. There was quite a crowd despite the heavy rain, and the clatter of voices and utensils was comforting, the aroma of freshly grinded coffee refilled my mind. Sung Gyu led me towards a table for two and pulled back a chair for me with a smile. I was flattered, really, at his gentleness, and sat down before he made it to the counter without even asking what my order was. I wasn’t really up for anything at that time, to be honest, up for anything conversely that I clasped my hands together, reclining in the cold but soothing atmosphere and waited for his return.

When he finally did, however, I almost lost my coherent words to speak; heart beating in a speed that my mind could never compile to. The feeling I got, at that time was imperceptible, and all I could do was stare at him, mind bustling with an excessive series of emotions.

On a tray he had two glasses of green tea latte, topped deliberately with a swirl of soft white cream.

I was confused. What in the world was happening?

Why was the riddle getting more complex after each step?

Why was this even a part of the riddle the first place?

Sung Gyu, however, as though oblivious to my befuddlement, simply placed the tray on the middle of the table, dipped a straw into one of them, settled it before me with a soft smile before taking the other for himself. All though this though, I stared at him without being able to say a word. What was this entire crazy tumult about? Why was I always feeling so insecure whenever the tale I had made went wrong?

Sung Gyu took a spoonful of the fluffy cream and it off as would a kid. He seemed happy of himself, as though he was given a life time chance to smile and turned to look at me. His face changed though, the moment he saw my eyes and sat back.

“Eunji-Ssi…are you alright?”

I stared at him for a moment longer, and blurted out; “That’s Myung Soo’ favorite, its Woohyun’s favorite too….how…?”

“Oh?”

“Green tea latte” I explained. “With extra cream…it’s what Myung Soo always made me to make for him every time he visited Sung Yeol’s…and the other day, Woohyun-Ssi too…”

Sung Gyu stared at me for a few silent seconds and eventually replied with a question.

“Eunji-Ssi…shall I tell you a story?”

I nodded in reply.

That time when I was finally freed from having anymore panic attacks, I was so ashamed of myself to face the world thus I was reluctant to even talk to others from school and around. I wasn’t very young at that time, I was fourteen, I was old enough to understand, I was a year older after hitting puberty but still I was afraid of the world, the fear that I had killed my mother was still lingering in my heart. Back then my father used to tell me stories of people who had gone through hard times to where they stood now. He told me of all sorts of people starting from princess Diana to Albert Einstein, and what I learned in the end was that everyone of us, despite where we stand now had a story behind our lives.

Sung Gyu took another spoonful of the cream and sipped the green content before looking at me with a smile. “It’s quite a coincident, isn’t it, that the three of us loved the very same beverage? I think you do need some elaboration…” He his lip and lowered his head. “I myself believe it’s quite strange, but Eunji…you can’t expect everything in the world to be ordinary…and behind everything that’s beyond ordinary lies a story of its own…”

I stayed silent, and he twirled the straw in a clear circle along the rim. “Have you thought of just how significant the word ‘why’ is? It hides so many things behind it. That simple word, trust me, could save someone from dying…so here, if you simply ask me now, why is it a coincident? Why do you all love the same drink? Hell! It’s just a drink, are you all crazy? Just why?”

I laughed softly at his dramatic explanation, to which he joined too. After a while, he cleared his throat and said; “Sorry, but I guess we needed that”

“However” he said, commencing to recite to me the story. “The reason why I loved it, initially was that there was someone significant in my life who loved it, and it eventually came to me. Don’t ask me who it was…because I don’t…really like to talk about it; but if you expect me to answer as to why, well it’s merely because tea isn’t coffee…simple as that.”

I didn’t dare to reciprocate though, but in order to reconfirm his fact, I took a sip of the beverage; the thick cold liquid entered through my lips, splashing onto my taste buds as would a cold rush of water on a dried land and I realized, when it ran down my throat that it didn’t have the same effect that coffee made. It didn’t leave the thick soreness behind but something cold, sweet and refreshing. He was indeed correct.

He chuckled. “Did you feel the same?”

I nodded.

“Well, there’s more to it” He said after taking a sip of his own. “This…person I told you about was…someone who always lived in pain. I knew her close, but couldn’t exactly understand her reasons, but whenever she had cried, she would ask me to accompany her to the closest coffee shop and would buy the very same beverage; every single time. I asked her why she always had that, and in the end she replied; tea isn’t coffee…green tea isn’t just tea…hot isn’t cold, sweet isn’t sour, foam isn’t cream….” He looked up at me and smiled. “In simpler words, happiness isn’t sad. Quite confusing isn’t it? But what I really mean to say is, when you feel upset, sad, hurt, pained or depressed, just try serve yourself with the complete opposite of it…happiness”

I couldn’t reply, honestly, for this simple thought sounded too deep and confusing for me to understand. I didn’t know how I could find happiness while in tears, how I could find a moment to smile when all I wished to do was lock myself somewhere and cry but Sung Gyu’s intellectual eyes seemed to tell me that he understood this all. Although he insisted that he was a pampered child in his household, I quite felt myself that he wasn’t being true to himself, I felt that he himself had gone through so much in life.

And there was a strange feeling that this ‘she’ he was talking about was significant to him more than he seemed to let show.

Sung Gyu had his head tilted to a side, watching me when I returned from my trance. He gave me a soft smile then and slowly patted on my arm which rested on the table. “Honestly, you push yourself to understand those things…I just wanted you to know”

I shook my head then. “I do understand, Sung Gyu-Ssi…but you haven’t exactly said the whole thing”

He chuckled. “Of course.”

“So what does it have to do with Woohyun and Myung Soo?”

He sighed then, and looked into his glass. “The person I told you about and me, we were a lot close…really. It was a closeness which lasted for quite a long while…and after knowing this crazy theory of her green tea latte, I too, began to have it whenever I was sad. It got attached to me. She and I…we had to part after a while, for such a long, long time. I was sad the entire time then, and unlike the depressed boys who would smoke or take drugs to overcome it, I did what she used to do…the pain would really subside. It was how it got to Woohyun too…he…in fact, is just too sensitive. Emotions could get to him really bad, it’s risky even…to be honest” Sung Gyu said and looked up to face me. “He had been overly sensitive numerous times. He had even tried to die. But in the end, I taught him of what I learned. Serve his sore heart with something sweet. He’s often upset you see, so he got used to having it…as to Myung Soo, well, same goes on him. He isn’t as often sad, but he too have his moments…he was victimized for brutal treatment but this green tea strategy of mine worked on him perfectly well…”

He chuckled then, and took a longer sip of the drink. “It’s witty isn’t it…? You might probably be thinking, the hell-!”

I laughed at his dramatic self again. “Sung Gyu-Ssi!”

He laughed. “But really, Eunji-ah…there are pretty weird stuff going on in this world…you expect aliens to invade us? Believe me, if one couldn’t believe that there are imperceptible things going on, on earth itself, alien invasions are the last of he could expect”

“Hmm” I said in the end, comprehension dawning on me gradually. “I think I do understand what you mean…and this is an excellent strategy” I said gesturing at the glass. “The smallest things make strange metaphor once in a while. Iced green tea latte is not sour, its sweet, is not black or dark but green; is not hot but cold, and the extra cream make it extra fluffy and nice!” I giggle, clasping my hands together. “It’s like the definition of happiness, isn’t it? It’s the stark opposite of Americano”

“It could be anything, if banana smoothie gives you the same effect” Sung Gyu added with a smile. “I resorted with this instead”

Soon enough though, we drowned in utter silence. Sung Gyu silently finished the entire gass of his drink, even the soft layers of cream, and settled to watch the street; I on the other hand, struggled to finish mine. After a few minutes however, Sung Gyu turned to me with a smile.

“I almost forgot…what happened to that petty head of yours?”

I threw him a glare and sat back. “Do you even have to ask? After what you did?”

He laughed. “Well I see it hadn’t done anything that bad”

I sighed. “You know that Sung Yeol actually said that I would be an eyesore to the customers?”

“He did” Sung Gyu said, and it sounded more like a statement than a question.

“Yeah, and I had to cut the whole thing off!”

He eyed me carefully then, and smiled. “Well now that I look at it, it looks pretty cute”

My heart stopped momentarily then, and an annoyingly small voice inside my head began to screech in my ear in monotone; ‘Sung Gyu thinks you’re cute, he actually thinks you’re cute!’

“But it’s shorter!”

“Still it’s cute” He pointed out.

I decided to ignore it then, because if he would go on calling me that, I was almost certain nothing in the world would stop the endless beating in my heart. I settled to question him instead.

“What happened to that petty car of yours?”

He laughed. “Am I that pitiful?”

“Maybe?”

He massaged the nape of his neck. “You see, my uncle asked me to be presentable…starting from my car…”

“Mmhm”

“And…” he sighed and ran his fingers through the locks of his hair. “He wants this to go black”

I laughed. “What?”

“Am I not presentable enough already?”

“You certainly are” I pointed out.

“How so?”

“You’re handsome” I simply replied.

When we were heading back home, it was almost time for dinner. The sky was dark and heavy, not a single star was in the perceptible vision, and the ambiance was indigenously quiet. It was horrifying, even, as though something dark and mysterious was lurking over the existence.  Just like I were, Sung gyu seemed as though he could afford to stay in the silence anymore.

Taking a smooth turn to the right, he asked. “Say, Eunji-Ssi…do you have rain phobia or something?”

I looked blankly at the road and shook my head. “Nope. Why do you ask?”

“No just…” He cleared his throat awkwardly. “That time…when it was raining”

“Oh” I mused, finally understanding him. I didn’t see a reason to hide these things from him though. We were close enough, I guess, that he told me his stories too, and he deserved to know. At least I felt he did.

“That was well…I was a panic attack patient once…it’s kind of a trauma” I explained while he drove in silence. “I took treatment for two years…but the traumatic event comes to me then and there…especially when it rained like that…”

“Oh…” he uttered understandingly. “So mind telling me about what this traumatic event was?”

I smiled, feeling that it was a little too long to recite on a road trip. “Long story…like I told you, I’ll tell you when we meet again”

“Hmm…suit yourself.”

“Sung Gyu-Ssi…” I called out when we were waiting for the red light to turn green. The roads were quite slippery after the rain and shined under the dusk; the scent of damp earth seeped through the air conditioner inside; despite its coldness, sitting there with Sung Gyu felt definitely nice. “I was thinking…”

“Yeah?”

“Well” I began, smiling to myself. “If the sweetness of the tea is good for sad, depressing moments, can’t we take it the other way around? If we feel, what, excessive happiness, we should have a warm cup of Americano…then that would make it neutral”

He chuckled. “What’s your theory now?”

“Isn’t it like a laboratory experiment? We add an acidic substance to an alkali substance to make it neutral…so basically this strategy of yours is to make things neutral. Isn’t it? Add what belongs to the either ends of the spectrum together to bring it all to the center, isn’t it? So there is another way around…”

He laughed. “Are you a philosopher now? Eunji, happiness and sadness aren’t materialistic elements we could put together to make feelings neutral. We can put iced tea and hot coffee to get a neutral liquid but sadness and tea or happiness and coffee don’t belong to the same…league. You get it? It’s all psychological…that’s why I said, it could be anything. You can eat a candy when you feel sad to make it better…it’s all about feelings, belief and choice…it isn’t anything that…morally exist”

I pondered upon his words and the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. True. Happiness isn’t tea. They weren’t the same. It all depended on how we felt.

And Sung Gyu, how he had said, had been deeply attached to this belief. So if it was like that…then why? What was the significance?

“It’s deep” I said in the end, feeling a little drunk and out of it after all the philosophical thoughts. “But does make sense…”

“Hmm” he took a turn to the left. “But you can stop thinking of it now”

“Sung Gyu-Ssi?”

“Yeah?”

“If it was belief, and if one believes it to the extreme until he wouldn’t stop…isn’t it an attachment?”

He laughed. “That’s a clever thought”

“Then…for it to be an attachment, it has to be so…precious to you, whatever it was which gave you the reasons”

“Hmm” He said with a nod. “I guess you’re right”

“Then…” I began, feeling a little warm inside me. “Her….was she significant to you then? Was she…precious? Why are you so attached?”

I regretted that I asked it then, for afterwards, we didn’t speak throughout the night.

When we finally reached home, the first thing I happened to see was my father standing on the foot of the slope in the dim florescent light of the street. He had a strange look in his eyes, which sent a chill down my spine. His entire doing made a shrill cold run through my veins, and that very moment, I realized, something wasn’t going right.

Without a word, I climbed down the jeep and made it toward him. When my eyes landed upon what he held in his hands then, I felt it, a strong pain and fear which I hadn’t felt in my heart ever since it last did several years ago. Everything seemed to collapse inside me, and I stared unmoving at my father.

“Why?”

“Puppy” He replied, a monotone underlying in his voice. “He’s gone…Eunji…I don’t know what happened, he just-,”

Anger, fear, horror and sorrow all came to me in a one quick rush, erupting in words in a way that I never thought it would. “What do you mean its gone, appa!?! Where is he!?! Where is he!?!”

My father didn’t reply, and answers slowly began to form themselves in my head along with the worse case scenarios. It was horrible, it was unbelievable, the pain was nothing compared to what I’ve felt for the past few years, it was nothing I had ever felt for so long.

“Why?!?” I cried, holding the leash of his. “Appa!?!”

“Eunji calm down!”

“Appa!”

I didn’t even know why I was reacting this way without even knowing the actual truth of it, but I cried, because I knew what it was, and how painful it felt.

It was as though puppy was the link to something I lost, the link which I was earning to regain. Now that he was gone, my sole happiness, the comfort, the love, the feeling of being loved and the sense of care and responsibility, the days, hours, minutes and seconds of sheer commitment, they were all gone in one night. And I didn’t know what to feel anymore.

This was the feeling of attachment, the feeling of losing what it meant.

And not even the simple question of why seemed to give me any answers. Sung Gyu remained perfectly still behind me, and I realized what his silence really meant.

It might be a dog that I lost, but the attachment was attachment, nevertheless; it could be infatuation, we couldn’t tell; whatever it was though, I knew, it was a packaged deal of love.

Weird chapter...loads of strange thinking but idk, some things have so much to do with my life.

The last part, I guess, is a reflection of my current state. My cat didn't come back, I'm waiting, and that strong attachment I have towards her was making me weak so helpless and weak. Yeah, so maybe I was wanting to let you guys see an insight of me too.

This Eunji, I realized, writing this chapter, is so much like me. Hee hee! I'm sure our real Jung Eunji is not a wreck!

Anyway, don't think too much...just take to your heart only what feels right.

Love
Achini.

Ps; The paint part would be my favourite!